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Wednesday first one-liners of 2013 one-liners

Archie, 1/2/13

This sick burn on Mannequin 2: On The Move and/or soulless corporate control of all media was probably more pointed back when the strip first ran in the early ’90s, when Mannequin 2: On The Move was a recent memory and we hadn’t yet resigned ourselves to soulless corporate control of all media.

Crankshaft, 1/2/13

The sad, love-starved souls in the Funkyverse think that gently resting your back against somebody else’s back qualifies as “cuddling.”

Heathcliff, 1/2/13

Heathcliff’s owner has lost a bet to his cat, and because they’re not allowed to bet for money, he’s now subject to humiliation and physical abuse on his own front lawn.

Shoe, 1/2/13

Biz’s old buddy Zeke is going to die soon.

Ziggy, 1/2/13

Ziggy is sick and tired of working so hard to prevent his animal friends from killing each other.

Marmaduke, 1/2/13

Translation: WWHOORRRR WHOOORRRRORRR HORROR HORROR KILL KILL I WORSHIP THE DEMON BLOOD GOD BELOW

157 responses to “Wednesday first one-liners of 2013 one-liners”

  1. Baka Gaijin
    January 2nd, 2013 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    That is one threesome I do not want to see. Heathcliff and his owners and their whips and God knows what else.

  2. Pozzo
    January 2nd, 2013 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    “I hear your buddy Zeke had two near-death experiences.”

    “Yeah, he joined the cast of ‘Funky Winkerbean.”

  3. Rusty
    January 2nd, 2013 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    I didn’t know the couple in Crankshaft even liked each other, never mind shared the same bed.

  4. eriqjaffe
    January 2nd, 2013 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    I particularly like how the commercial for “Department Store Dummies” is a woman reading the pitch form a clearly visible piece of paper.

  5. zenvelo
    January 2nd, 2013 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft’s version of cuddling is just a precursor to how they perform the missionary position.

  6. Chris B
    January 2nd, 2013 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    Rabbit ears and someone reading a message from a sponsor. I think we have moved a little further back than the 1990′s

  7. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 2nd, 2013 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

    @Rusty (#3):

    I didn’t even know it was a couple. Based on their appearance, I assumed that there was “Jeff” and his alter-ego “girl Jeff” – who was basically Jeff in women’s clothing and after dying the grey out of his temples.

  8. Holly Folly
    January 2nd, 2013 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

    I have to say that ‘cuddle slave’ is definably two words I never ever wanted to see in Crankshaft.

  9. Uncle Lumpy
    January 2nd, 2013 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    @zenvelo (#5):

    Pam and Jeff perform the missionary position by volunteering for foreign missions, only to be personally rejected by Vermin P. Crock.

  10. Rusty
    January 2nd, 2013 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#7): You just gave Batiuk fuel for a very special story arc about changing genders.

    They actually do look like siblings, they even wear the same eyeglasses.

  11. sully
    January 2nd, 2013 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

    So, what was the purpose of that Yankshaft strip? No humor, no plot advancement, no point, and no reason to exist. Oh, that’s what EVERY Yankshaft strip’s purpose is? Silly me.

  12. Mars
    January 2nd, 2013 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

    Well, Mannequin 2 really is one of the worst movies I ever saw, so at least the strip got that right. Not that the sequel to something like Mannequin could have been anything but. It’s low-hanging fruit, is what I’m saying, and Archie was too timid to even specifically name that cheap a shot.

  13. Sophia Pygea
    January 2nd, 2013 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    @zenvelo (#5): At least they don’t have to look at one another.

  14. stopdropreload
    January 2nd, 2013 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Worst ’50 Shades of Grey’ fanfic ever.

    Heathcliff: No, wait, this is the worst one.

    Marmaduke: Take it from someone who’s traveled with a dog: that noise is less “are we there yet?” and more “I am about to vomit into your dashboard air vents.”

  15. Dr. Weird
    January 2nd, 2013 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    @Rusty (Y#19):

    Some Halloween Family Circus strips have had Billy dressed as a hobo, with the same sort of “beard” makeup. Presumably, he’s equating Joseph with wandering vagrants and will soon by struck down for heresy.

  16. Chareth Cutestory
    January 2nd, 2013 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    Archie: Boxy CRT television with rabbit ear antennas. Happy 2013, everybody!

  17. Mr. O’Malley
    January 2nd, 2013 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#YY104): You have a fine lot of reading in store.

    The Plain People of Ireland: Did ye get the collected Irish Times columns (The Best of Myles)? Begob, here’s me bus.

  18. Cetacean Love Buzz
    January 2nd, 2013 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    Buzz’s old buddy Zeke is going to die soon.

    Which fact Buzz the buzzard is understandable ambivalent.

  19. True Fable
    January 2nd, 2013 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    In Crankshaft’s world, apparently osmosis is the preferred method of producing offspring. Cuddling is as close as Pam and Jeff are ever going to get. Safe sex = granny gowns and striped pajamas.

  20. Voshkod
    January 2nd, 2013 at 5:01 pm [Reply]

    Which was worse – Crankshaft “cuddle slave” or Heathcliff‘s all around horror? Ah, hell, I can’t decide – I’ll just continue to loathe both comics!

  21. Duke of Earl Grey
    January 2nd, 2013 at 5:12 pm [Reply]

    The only demon blood god below that Marmaduke is worshiping at the moment is his own ready-to-burst colon, and I don’t want to be around for the devotional service.

  22. geogreg
    January 2nd, 2013 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    Heathcliff: Heathcliff’s owner (Mr. Nutmeg, according to Wikipedia) seems oddly stoic about being driven by a whip while harnessed to Heathcliff’s sled. He seems to be taking it all in stride. I wonder if this is a usual outcome? Also, I wonder what the bet was about? Football? Rodent population statistics?

  23. Pandrew
    January 2nd, 2013 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

    After a week of staring at that previous Heathcliff strip, I was so thankful for a new post that would mean not having to see Heathcliff spank mice at the top. Sadly, that seems like a more innocent time now.

  24. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläüts!
    January 2nd, 2013 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#16):

    And the TV images are in stunning Black and White to boot!

  25. Alter Ego
    January 2nd, 2013 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    @Pandrew (#23): Heathcliff: You’ve seen him “spank the mouse.” Now watch him “whip the geezer!”

  26. seismic-2
    January 2nd, 2013 at 5:33 pm [Reply]

    Archie: Did the color monkeys decide that this strip is so old that the television broadcasts should be black and white rather than color, or did they instead decide that “Hey, it’s just Archie, so screw it, why bother?”

  27. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    January 2nd, 2013 at 5:41 pm [Reply]

    Crankedshaft Is this Pam’s cutesy way of saying she wants it up the rear? I desparately tried to avoid thinking about this but the thought came up. Followed soon after by my breakfast.

    MW I’ll admit to a certain limited perspective, but is preparation for a cake decorating competition really this exciting? Strategies, plans, psyching up, spatulaerobics?

  28. Greg
    January 2nd, 2013 at 5:43 pm [Reply]

    Marmaduke: “Translation: ‘Please don’t take me the vet to put me down. I promise I’ll be good!’” Ha, ha! Seriously, no.

  29. Liam
    January 2nd, 2013 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy-”It’s easier keeping peace between the Israelis and the Palestinians than it is between you and the cat.”

    Zits-Oh you teens and your need to be constantly attached to your phones in order to function.

    FW-This is not the comic you were looking for.

  30. Zerowolf
    January 2nd, 2013 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    MW: Meanwhile Mary makes Wilbur’s favorite soup: Cream of Mayo.

  31. Liam
    January 2nd, 2013 at 6:02 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft-”I keep my cuddle slave chained up in the basement.”

  32. Zerowolf
    January 2nd, 2013 at 6:07 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Sure, why not add a B&E to the indictment?

  33. TimP
    January 2nd, 2013 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

    Shoe: Is it me or is the ‘joke’ off here? Down to his last timeout… so that would be a sports reference? Then, wouldn’t the set-up be about him having ‘sudden death’ experiences to make the sports theme work? I should not be thinking about this so much.

  34. Zerowolf
    January 2nd, 2013 at 6:17 pm [Reply]

    GT: Like food that isn’t a shade of beige?

  35. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    January 2nd, 2013 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Unibomber is the vibe I’m getting, too. In the A3G world, the one day Evan (Evan, right, not Greg?) was presented as a rage-filled vessel of hate might suffice for “motivation” and “reality”. Evan: Unibomber equals Queen Bee : Lady Gaga.

  36. J. Elhew Bisbee, Hobo Detective
    January 2nd, 2013 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    Now that it’s 2012, everything is in color. Well, maybe I don’t like my comics in color, Syndicate Overlords.

    I guess I’m a Plugger?

  37. Liam
    January 2nd, 2013 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy-”You’ve already had two near death experiences this is your last time out.”

  38. bbofun
    January 2nd, 2013 at 6:42 pm [Reply]

    I assume the back-to-back cuddling position is because Batiuk, as ever, is actually insanely cautious, rather than “controversial” (as he would like to be thought of)- he was worried about complaints if he dare showed a married couple in bed in any other position.

  39. Liam
    January 2nd, 2013 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    Luann-What about the fun of a new manager taking over? Will this one be stricter than Anne or will they be very relaxed? Will the store continue to make money or will it coming crashing down?

  40. Hogenmogen
    January 2nd, 2013 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    Visions of Riverdale’s Past: I haven’t heard anyone on TV say “… and now a word from our sponsors” in about 40 years. Rabbit ears? Seriously? And if the movie trailer is comprised of a chick reading statements about the movie from a paper, then one may assume that the flick is maybe something utterly unwatchable.

  41. Liam
    January 2nd, 2013 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

    Archie-Sadly the people who made “Department Store Dummies” were trying to make a horror movie about murderous mannequins.

  42. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    January 2nd, 2013 at 6:59 pm [Reply]

    The joke in Archie is that occasionally the same channel will show both a negative review of a film and a commercial for that same film. Haha, that Archie!

  43. Hogenmogen
    January 2nd, 2013 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#26): Showing black & white on a tv screen is an artistic device to show that this is a television and there isn’t an actual talking head inside a box. The Archie key demographic must think teen agers making out in front of severed heads in an oven are so commonplace that it could be either/or.

  44. HAnzMFG
    January 2nd, 2013 at 7:06 pm [Reply]

    Amazingly, the film in question in today’s Archie is so low budget, they couldn’t afford a trailer, and had to resort to a lady with a clipboard.

  45. Poteet
    January 2nd, 2013 at 7:07 pm [Reply]

    ARCHIE — Judging from the ads on local TV news, most viewers are at least fifty, so I’m mildly amazed to see two unwrinkled people paying any attention to a TV film critic whatsoever.

  46. Zerowolf
    January 2nd, 2013 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

    So does this mean that Shoe is really Pluggers featuring only anthropomorphic birds?

  47. Liam
    January 2nd, 2013 at 7:17 pm [Reply]

    @Gladly, the cross-eyed bear (#42):

    The joke is that Archie and Betty are watching tv and not making out.

  48. tallyHO
    January 2nd, 2013 at 7:19 pm [Reply]

    Heathcliff:

    What was the bet?
    Was it about the outcome of one of those football matches?
    Was it based upon whether or not Heathcliff could procure a dogsled?
    Was it a daily thing they do over breakfast, like challenge each other to
    an egg eating contest?
    Was it about who could rub against Mrs. Nutmeg’s legs the longest before either being asked to “retire” to the boudoir or resulting in her pouring a bowl of “Friskies”?
    Was it about whether or not (the royal) We would go over Heathcliff’s cousin, Fiscal?
    Was it a hairball hacking contest, and Mr. Nutmeg, tried to plug his into the USB port of his computer in order to hack it the only way he knows how?
    Was a hairball hackeysack contest and Mr. Nutmeg’s hips acted up, while Heathcliff maintained his poise by imagining the hack as being a mouse?
    What Wassssss the Bet?

  49. Doc Bill
    January 2nd, 2013 at 7:21 pm [Reply]

    What? June Morgan as Pregnant as Kymie and no mention?

    Who’s the father? Rex is clueless. I bet it’s the pool boy!

    And what about that panel with June sitting on the beach wearing her mama-bump-kini with Dr. Clueless?

    High drama in Rex Land.

  50. odinthor
    January 2nd, 2013 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    Y#26. Liam.

    MT-I love Mark’s pose in the panel above. If this was the porn version of “Mark Trail” it’s the pose that says, “Now let’s have sex.”

    Wait a minute. Are you saying that there are some poses that don’t say, “Now let’s have sex”? Why was I not told of this?

    Crankshaft. — In Crankshaft, “a cuddle slave” involves doing something disgusting with a cud. Batiuk needs to know that this is not the way to serve the Cow and Boy readership.

  51. Uncle Lumpy
    January 2nd, 2013 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#45):

    When I lived in Madison, WI, the TV weather report featured ads for Atrazine (“apply banded or in-furrow”) and Roundup (“when you’re ready to go no-till, Monsanto’s got your back”). So the demographic was “old farmers.”

  52. Downpuppy
    January 2nd, 2013 at 7:25 pm [Reply]

    Marmaduke is riding in a recognizably modern car driven by Gale Gordon heading out to the fishing hole to get away from Lucy. Is it any surprise that he’s turned into a cow?

  53. tallyHO
    January 2nd, 2013 at 7:27 pm [Reply]

    Archie, Riverdale:
    How lame does that town have to be that those two aren’t all over each other?
    TV is just to drown out any other noise!

    Now, if it turns out Mr. Pops (or whatever Archie’s Dad is named) doesn’t just spill blue pills all over that couch, or Mrs. Pops (or whatever Archie’s Mom is named) doesn’t have an assortment of pills plus a bottle of booze hidden in a couch cushion, I can understand them not making out…IF and ONLY IF Archie and Betty’s respective parents have either installed a monitoring device in those rabbit ears on top of the TV or if they force their kids to take Fruity Pebbles flavored Prozac.
    If and only if…

  54. tallyHO
    January 2nd, 2013 at 7:30 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy:

    “…the cat eats you, don’t come crying to me!”

    What is he doing, trying to make an appeal to a potential ghost parrot?

    //hard to blame him, i guess. being haunted by a ghost parrot would be annoying.

  55. nescio
    January 2nd, 2013 at 7:42 pm [Reply]

    I don’t know what bet Heathcliff’s owner’s wife lost, but I bet her French maid serving routine is only going to grow progressively humiliating after the tea service.

  56. Will
    January 2nd, 2013 at 7:42 pm [Reply]

    I have a CRT tv, with rabbit ears and a DTV converter box, in my living room. Though, in my defense, I do most of my TV watching on the HDTV in my bedroom.

  57. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 2nd, 2013 at 7:46 pm [Reply]

    @Gladly, the cross-eyed bear (#42): That used to be quite common, not just on TV, but in newspapers as well. The local reviewer would do an interview with the director, or one of the stars of the movie, and it would always be very positive. The star would assure the reviewer that he/she had spent years longing for the chance to work with the director, or the director would say how delighted he was to work with the star, and how wonderful the writer and and everything else was, and you thought: “Well, that sounds like something I’ll have to see!” Then, in the newspaper, often on the very next page, or on TV, usually the next day, the same reviewer gives the movie one star out of whatever, trashes everybody involved, and opines that it is further evidence of the decadence of Western Civ..

    I don’t see that kind of cognitive dissonance, which Archie is trying to make fun of here, much anymore.

  58. Dartpaw86
    January 2nd, 2013 at 7:50 pm [Reply]

    Worship!? Marmaduke is the Demon Blood God.

  59. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    January 2nd, 2013 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

    @Alter Ego (#25):

    Well, I for one do not want to see him spank the monkey!

  60. tallyHO
    January 2nd, 2013 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    Marmaduke:

    The glow of a red light
    pulls a Pavlovian response
    from the hell hound.

  61. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    January 2nd, 2013 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

    I remember “Mannequin On The Move”. What a mindless film that was, full of refrigerator moments or what d’ye call them…you know, the plot holes you only think of afterwards while rading the fridge for dinner.

    Talking of back cuddling – my Neapolitan mastiff Juno sleeps with her back pressed to mine. It is wonderful, friendly contact. Not a full body hug as I used to get from my late Doberman Teddie but still incredibly comforting on a cold winter night.

    Hoppy Nude Rear, everyone!

  62. nescio
    January 2nd, 2013 at 8:07 pm [Reply]

    It’s unfortunate that Marmaduke swallowed one of the kids whole, but at least he’s still alive and communicative on the way to the ER.

  63. Poteet
    January 2nd, 2013 at 8:24 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#51): Wisconsin too, eh? You’ve just described the target demographic in Iowa. The chemical ads, which peak in winter, are becoming more intense. I get to watch giant corn nematodes explode while I fix dinner.

  64. Poteet
    January 2nd, 2013 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#57): What I sometimes see now on TV are brief phrases in large letters bannered across the screen describing the film as “brilliant” or “utterly compelling” or “explosive,” and under the large letters are weensy little unreadable words that, if one could read them, probably say something like “viewer paid to praise.”

  65. seismic-2
    January 2nd, 2013 at 8:34 pm [Reply]

    @Will (#56): I have only one television, and it uses a rabbit-ears antenna rather than cable or satellite. In my defense, I should point out that it is a 24-inch HDTV, which I purchased after finding a converter box to be an unsatisfactory way of handing the analog-to-digital change-over. Also in my defense, I’m cheap.

  66. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    January 2nd, 2013 at 8:37 pm [Reply]

    Seismic:” Also in my defense,
    I’m cheap.”

    In *my* defence, I’m cheaper. I don’t have a TV at all.

    Muhahahahaha.

  67. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 2nd, 2013 at 8:38 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#63): Exploding corn nemotodes? That sounds… sorta cool, actually.

    (And much more appetizing than ads for foot fungus or clearing out mucus, too!)

  68. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 2nd, 2013 at 8:39 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#67): (Though that is one of those things that’s better appreciated on the advertising level; I can’t imagine that a chemical that causes an insect to explode is all that good for the environment.)

  69. Droopy Says
    January 2nd, 2013 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#46): Does it mean Brookins has created a segregated society with these two strips? Birds only in Shoe, and a token Chicken Lady in Pluggers? If so, which strip represents the oppressed minority and which the oppressors (granted, both strips are oppressive, and depressive to boot, but there should be a way to diferentiate them).

  70. Inkwell
    January 2nd, 2013 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    At first I thought Archie and Betty were gaping because a movie dared to have commercials after being panned by a local critic. Then I realized it was because the movie has such a poor advertising budget that they just stuck a spokesperson against a white background.

    That or they have just realized that every woman in the Archieverse is identical, save for hair.

  71. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    January 2nd, 2013 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

    My cousin being an ad exec, I can assure you that a capacity for thinking and a high analytical ability are positive liabilities in the advertising business.

  72. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 2nd, 2013 at 8:59 pm [Reply]

    Ah, the joys of a late post from Josh: nobody’s yet thought to point out to Peter Parker that spiders don’t have tails, nor has any recognized that Mary Worth’s three days into a crack spree in her first panel this morning.

    Yessir, good times.

  73. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 2nd, 2013 at 9:07 pm [Reply]

    Apt. 3-G: What’s the name of the fetish where young men dress up as children for the sexual gratification of older individuals? Yeah, that. I don’t think Margo’s into that, Evan.

  74. Poteet
    January 2nd, 2013 at 9:09 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#68): The invertebrate explosions are probably exaggerated, as are the little TV-ad weeds being blasted into oblivion by herbicides. But you are right — it’s more fun to watch the chemical ads in January than to smell the chemicals in the spring and think about real-life impacts.

  75. Poteet
    January 2nd, 2013 at 9:16 pm [Reply]

    ARCHIE — I just noticed that in the third panel, Betty’s ponytail has reacted to Betty’s horror by frizzing up, an interesting feat. I don’t follow ARCHIE — is that a regular thing for her? If so, isn’t it awkward when she’s trying to conceal that someone has horrified her? “Oh, Reggie, I do appreciate your invitation to go shopping with you for a new thong bikini, but I really have to wash my hair this afternoon. See how it’s, um, frizzy? Heh heh.”

  76. Little Blue Bicycle
    January 2nd, 2013 at 9:18 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#73): Evan watched “The Village” last night.

  77. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    January 2nd, 2013 at 9:21 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#57): So the humor would depend upon an inability to understand the difference between a publicity article and a review. Almost as though Archie were aimed at stupid people.

    Returning to today’s, since apparently they’re reading the commcials live on-air, holding the script on-camera, it was really bad television to schedule the commercial right after the negative review. The station manager must be livid. Heads will roll.

  78. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 2nd, 2013 at 9:22 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail: Mark is not certain if these swarthy men are arguing over who will have the honor of changing the spark plugs on his outboard motor, or entering a tense battle to the death over $2 million of ransom. He doesn’t know, and frankly, he doesn’t care. Tick-tock, people. Orphans don’t ignore themselves, you know.

  79. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 2nd, 2013 at 9:23 pm [Reply]

    @Little Blue Bicycle (#76): I dunno. His eyes don’t look very shiny to me.

  80. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 2nd, 2013 at 9:28 pm [Reply]

    This just in: there is such a thing as a white-tailed spider, so named for the whitish tips of its abdomen. If they bite you, they’ll give you a red, itchy spot, or if you really react, you might throw up. In other words, they’re generally harmless nuisances, much like Peter Parker.

  81. Powers
    January 2nd, 2013 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    Once again, Josh, it’s not “Buzz”, it’s “Biz”.

    I don’t know what the name means, but that’s his name.

  82. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 2nd, 2013 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#yy110):

    no arguments there. It was quite horrifying even for those who don’t fear clowns as a general rule.

  83. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 2nd, 2013 at 9:43 pm [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#61): “my Neapolitan mastiff Juno ”

    pics or it didn’t happen.

  84. Baka Gaijin
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:04 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#63): Let’s see, exploding nematodes or Honey Boo Boo. I know which I’d watch.

  85. seismic-2
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:06 pm [Reply]

    Marm: “Horror”, indeed. After Marmaduke pukes all over the interior of the Hitler-mobile, the only alternative will be to let him take the car out in the back yard and bury it.

    Shoe: Isn’t it about time to give this strip the two-minute warning?

    Archie: We’ve been ragging on how this strip thinks TV commercials for movies consist of someone’s reading a script on-camera from a clipboard, but maybe we should cut it some slack. After all, this is apparently just a low-powered neighborhood channel, where the media critic is Reggie Mantle’s father and the station announcer is Betty Cooper’s older sister. Either that, or the artist just figured it wasn’t worthwhile to create new characters. Considering the punch line, he was right.

  86. Sgt. Stoned
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:12 pm [Reply]

    Snuff Smif: I was not aware that there were ever any good economic times in Hootin Holler.

    MT: You tell him, Juan!

    MW: The last several days strips have depicted the sheer ecstasy of John Dill not for having won a contest but for merely having been allowed to enter a contest. Something tells me that the late Mrs. Dill committed suicide ’cause she just couldn’t stand the hubby anymore.

  87. Calico
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#47):
    Sham Wow! Apply directly to the forehead, or something like that.
    Hey, did you ever hear the one about the Sham Wow guy and the hoo-ah? Well, you probably don’t want to. You’re welcome.

  88. Alice
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:22 pm [Reply]

    Archie: New theory! Department Store Dummies isn’t a reference to Mannequin (1 or 2), but to Scenes from a Mall. Which was also terrible.

    …I’ll see myself out.

  89. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:24 pm [Reply]

    Jump – So, she’s admiring Doctor Appleby’s tackle? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Well, not much. Okay, everything.

    love is… …having a spare arm so you don’t have to chew yours off to escape.

    Marmaduke – “Because you broke the windshield, stupid. And you broke every replacement windshield. That’s why there’s no windshield.”

    Spider-Man – So, the secret was getting out of the way! I guess that’s why he makes the big bucks.

  90. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:25 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#yy61): This might be a good place to ask about this. Who is the mystery stiff who falls out from the door along with a bunch of dead Duck Twacy villains? I’ve always assumed he was a Termite Terrace regular, an animator or a writer, but nobody ever ID’d him for me. (The mustache could be a clue.) (Does he really have a Dagwood-style single button under his lips? Ow.)

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#yy104): Good as Albert Camus is, I’m sure some of his insights came from a close study of De Selby.
    It always repays the effort it takes to observe Scraps closely.

    @Rusty (#y19): The ones I saw dressing as bums or hobos used coffee grounds for stubble. This was a great mystery to my kindergarten self.

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#32): *its*, damn it.
    [Before R can say the second word, he is drowned out by Sousa's "Liberty Bell" and crowded out of shot by animated opening titles. Clang!]

  91. Josh
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:30 pm [Reply]

    @Powers (#81): Gah, you’re right! I fixed.

    Josh

  92. Poteet
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:34 pm [Reply]

    CRANKSHAFT — My cat occasionally sleeps back-to-back with me and it’s very nice. If I ever call him a “cuddle slave,” however, I’ll bet he never sleeps with me again.

  93. Sequitur
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:35 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#84): How ’bout an exploding Honey Boo Boo?

    One cream puff should do it.

  94. Sequitur
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:38 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#92): Who’s a good cuddle slave? Yes, you are, yes you are!

  95. Poteet
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:39 pm [Reply]

    @Sgt. Stoned (#86): Re MW, HAR! But maybe I shouldn’t laugh too fast — after a few months of this cake-decorating story, who knows how many of us Mudges will be nearing the brink of endurance ourselves.

  96. Poteet
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:40 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#94): Thanks for making my point so well.

  97. seismic-2
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    @Alice (#88): On the other hand, the 1986 flick Chopping Mall (“Where shopping can cost you and arm and a leg”) had its moments, namely the first 5 minutes that featured cameos by Paul Bartel and Mary Woronov as Paul and Mary Bland and by Dick Miller as Walter Paisley. If you’re going to make a lousy exploding-head movie, then at least make it a lousy exploding-head tribute movie, like that one.

  98. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#93): It’s wafer thin!

  99. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:48 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#90): It always repays the effort it takes to observe Scraps closely.

    Too obscure for me. Evidently someone called Soren “Scraps” deSelby. According to Google, had a stroke a while back. A musician? Blogger?

  100. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:54 pm [Reply]

    @Horace Broon (y15): Re A3G: There have actually been a few near-misses on a Yank James Bond. Adam West turned down the lead role in “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.” James Brolin was actually cast in “Octopussy” before Ion came to an agreement with Roger Moore on his contract. (Strangely enough, his son kind of looks like Pierce Brosnan from some angles.) And Angel’s Alexis Denisof vied for the part in “Casino Royale.” This last wouldn’t have been a travesty, since Denisof can handle a British accent and pretty much started his career in the UK.

  101. Sequitur
    January 2nd, 2013 at 10:54 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#99): Yeah. I couldn’t figure it out either.

  102. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    January 2nd, 2013 at 11:16 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#84):

    Well, I’d certainly watch “Exploding Honey Boo-Boo”!

    // If only it were so……

  103. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    January 2nd, 2013 at 11:18 pm [Reply]

    @Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör (#102):

    Even better would be “Exploding Honey Boo-Boo’s Mom!

    // I’d pay $$ for that!

  104. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    January 2nd, 2013 at 11:23 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#92):

    Best not piss off the kitties, especially if the still have their claws like ours do!

    // Our dog as yet to figure this out yet!

    // Our youngest daughter once decided to take a bath and give one of the cats a bath at the same time. It did not end well for her. The cat was not amused.

  105. Sequitur
    January 2nd, 2013 at 11:33 pm [Reply]

    @Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör (#104): Have you read the book “Cat in the Pants” by Claude Ball? No?

  106. Red Greenback
    January 2nd, 2013 at 11:38 pm [Reply]

    I was bored so I switched the captions on four of the featured comics.

  107. Chip Whittle
    January 2nd, 2013 at 11:41 pm [Reply]

    @Mars (#12):

    Well, Mannequin 2 really is one of the worst movies I ever saw, so at least the strip got that right. Not that the sequel to something like Mannequin could have been anything but. It’s low-hanging fruit, is what I’m saying, and Archie was too timid to even specifically name that cheap a shot.

    Hey, Mannequin 2 was directed by Stewart Raffill, who also directed The Philadelphia Experiment, and The Ice Pirates, and Mac and Me. And after he did Mannequin 2 he went on to do Tammy and the T-Rex, which I did not make up, but which according to Wikipedia’s plot summary sounds like some weird cross of Funky Winkerbean, Lawnmower Man, Jurassic Park, and blunt-force trauma to the brain. Enjoy!

  108. Sequitur
    January 2nd, 2013 at 11:42 pm [Reply]

    @Red Greenback (#106): Get bored more often.

  109. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    January 2nd, 2013 at 11:53 pm [Reply]

  110. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    January 2nd, 2013 at 11:55 pm [Reply]

  111. Poteet
    January 3rd, 2013 at 12:05 am [Reply]

    @Red Greenback (#106): Yay for your boredom!

  112. Poteet
    January 3rd, 2013 at 12:08 am [Reply]

    @Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör (#104): Yep, that’s very good cat advice in general.

  113. Droopy Says
    January 3rd, 2013 at 12:22 am [Reply]

    Spiderdick: Now we know how the fabled spider-sense works: it’s calibrated to tell Parker exactly what knocked him out.

    Funky Hiccoughbean: Now I need a drink. Bartender, one Molotov cocktail. Make it a double.

    Gasoline Alley: This strip is everything we’ve come to expect in Funky Winkerbean.

    Mock Travail: Trail is bringing a fishing rod to a gunfight? We have a new standard of dumbness!

    Kit and Kitty: If you thought she was hungry before, Ghost-Who-Roofies, imagine what she’ll be like when she wakes up and finds herself in the clutches of a man in a domino mask.

  114. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    January 3rd, 2013 at 12:29 am [Reply]

    Curtis: see, everybody who thought this going to turn out weird or creepy?! It’s just a romantic relationship between an old man and a female infant! I wonder if the witch is a mandated reporter.

  115. Red Greenback
    January 3rd, 2013 at 12:30 am [Reply]

    More boredom.

  116. Poteet
    January 3rd, 2013 at 12:33 am [Reply]

    @Red Greenback (#115): Your boredom is fun.

  117. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    January 3rd, 2013 at 12:36 am [Reply]

    Rusty, did I ever tell you about the time I took a rifle away from a guy by using a casting rod? Yeah, my plan was to pull the gun out of his hand, but I hooked the barrel out by the tip and just pulled the barrel upwards. Poor bastard blew his head half off! After that, I can’t even think about going fishing!

  118. Poteet
    January 3rd, 2013 at 12:42 am [Reply]

    MW — I don’t understand the difference between “technique” and “design” in this context, but good luck, Mister Dill. Given the enthusiasm with which Mary is launching herself into this project, she had nothing else to do for the next few months, so you, Mister Dill, have probably saved three or four people from serious meddling, for which they’d fervently thank you if they knew.

  119. Poteet
    January 3rd, 2013 at 12:45 am [Reply]

    @Gladly, the cross-eyed bear (#117): I just looked at MT. And to think I thought you were kidding!

  120. Cynthia
    January 3rd, 2013 at 12:56 am [Reply]

    Apt. 3G: “Step 1: Get a box. Step 2: Cut a hole in the box. Step 3: Put your junk in the box…”

  121. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 3rd, 2013 at 1:00 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#92): Yep. Snuggling back-to-back is pleasant whether it’s a cat or spouse, at least in the winter when any source of mammalian heat is welcome.

    But the “cuddle slave” thing is so not right.

  122. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 3rd, 2013 at 1:01 am [Reply]

    @Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör (#104): Cats are excellent pets for teaching children the concepts of consent and respecting personal boundaries, yes.

    We had some remarkably patient cats in my childhood, but I garnered my fair share of scratches when I crossed the line of their tolerance.

  123. Baka Gaijin
    January 3rd, 2013 at 1:01 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#93): Hmm.

    @Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör (#103): I may have to Google up what a “Honey Boo Boo” is. I happened to see that name in an article’s headline. I thought it was Yogi Bear’s sidekick’s sister or something.

    @Red Greenback (#106): Inspired!

    @Cynthia (#120): I have a feeling both he and Barbie’s consort Ken would not be equipped for #3.

  124. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 3rd, 2013 at 1:07 am [Reply]

    @Red Greenback (#106): Your reputation is well deserved. Fulgent, effulgent, and refulgent.

    // I just don’t get how you old timers here can just do gold standard snark so effortlessly!

    // Practice, I suppose.

  125. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 3rd, 2013 at 1:11 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#123): I may have to Google up what a “Honey Boo Boo”

    Trust me on this: Don’t. I’m your friend, not like the others.

  126. seismic-2
    January 3rd, 2013 at 1:43 am [Reply]

    MW: Mary advises John Dill that he needs to look at some videos to improve his technique. I don’t like the direction this strip is headed.

  127. Majicou
    January 3rd, 2013 at 2:27 am [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#107): Didn’t “Tammy and the T-Rex” end up featured on the Citation Needed podcast once? I can just hear a droning voice reading the synopsis while an anger-fueled maniac shouts comments.

  128. MacDiver
    January 3rd, 2013 at 2:36 am [Reply]

    We can only hope that Heathcliff’s owner remembers the safeword.

  129. Dale
    January 3rd, 2013 at 2:50 am [Reply]

    @Gladly, the cross-eyed bear (#117):

    MARK TRAIL

    I think the gun will go off, but Otto will be killed. This resolves some of the legal issues that wouldn’t be addressed anyway.

    This is not the time or place for a bolt-action rifle. At least one of the pirates had an automatic weapon. Where are the other pirates?

    $2M in $100 bills would weigh around 40 pounds. Even if Juan is very strong, he would still tip over.
    Has anyone bothered to look in the money bag? No. Bill looks like an honest sort.

  130. Da Coconino Kid
    January 3rd, 2013 at 3:56 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#84):

    @Poteet (#63): Let’s see, exploding nematodes or Honey Boo Boo. I know which I’d watch.

    Ooooooooooh — irresistible crossover!

  131. Da Coconino Kid
    January 3rd, 2013 at 4:06 am [Reply]

    Psssst, Josh! I posted — that’s your cue to cut us over to the next day’s posts!

  132. tallyHO
    January 3rd, 2013 at 4:14 am [Reply]

    A3G: So, The Gorton’s Fisherman walks into Margo’s (already broken into?) apartment…and automatically his package gets bigger/

    Mistopher Trendy’s Frendies: At first, it seemed like that was mighty fast and powerful painkillers…but, Lukey was probably drunk to begin with.

    Mary Worth: Micro-Meddling

    Funkity Winkertybean: sooooo, we missed the not-sober years of the title character? For shame, that means the strip has been intentionally non-entertaining for years now. Many years.

    Family Circus Christmas cartoon Josh put up on this thread: So, if we put two and two together that makes PJ = baby Peehis Jammies?

    Mark Trail:
    1) Every time I read the name of the antagonist/reformed antagonist, Otto, I think of a punk rock song. Was it by The Replacements?
    2) hm. a Fishing Pole plus Mark Trail equals sending Rusty long distance hopes that will soon be dashed. Happy New Year, puppet child!

    Slylock MutterFushuggena Fox! That cat’s life is one big adventure! Extreme Snowmobiling PLUS Bear Baiting! Whodafox? Slylock, Youdafox!

  133. tallyHO
    January 3rd, 2013 at 4:22 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#132):
    Was it by The Replacements?
    Yes, it is. The song is just called “Otto” and is from the band’s first album.

  134. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    January 3rd, 2013 at 7:01 am [Reply]

    130. Da Coconino Kid
    January 3rd, 2013 at 3:56 am
    @Baka Gaijin (#84) :
    @Poteet (#63): Let’s see,
    exploding nematodes or Honey
    Boo Boo. I know which I’d
    watch.
    Ooooooooooh — irresistible
    crossover!

    How about Honey Boo Boo with nematodes…like, say, Ascaris lumbricoides or Enterobius vermicularis (the latter is sometimes so stimulated to lay by the presence of oxygen that it bursts from egg pressure)? How about it?

    No? Wimps.

    Well…carry on.

  135. gleeb
    January 3rd, 2013 at 7:07 am [Reply]

    Curtis: He’ll arrange for her to be buried alive with him when he dies of old age next week.

    ‘bean: 25th? But it was only a few years ago that fat failure Funky was fat drunken failure Funky. That means the story must be set…screw it, if Batiuk can’t get anything else right, why would I expect this to be any different?

    Dick: See, shooting’s for significant characters, like criminals. Run along, children, there’s a job of work to be done.

    Parkers, Parkers, Parkers: Sure, Katherine may be drawn like a cruel tyrant, but she knows her best victory is just to cause her husband minor inconvenience.

    Luann: Please let this turn into a Jim Thompson story, with two crooked leads who were made to lead each other to Hell.

  136. Vince M
    January 3rd, 2013 at 7:54 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#51): I was more than a little surprised last night catching an old ‘WKRP’ episode (on one of those cable stations that cater to people who don’t watch ‘all that crap nowadays’) that was sponsored by cattle feed and other farming supplies. Maybe it was coincidence, but the story covered Les Nessman leading his newscasts with hog futures, and his coveted ‘Silver Sow’ award.

  137. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 3rd, 2013 at 8:03 am [Reply]

    @Vince M (#136):

    Adult Swim’s reruns of “King of the Hill” on the Cartoon Channel now come equipped with promos during the commercial break that are disguised as commercials for the businesses in Arlen, Texas that the characters frequent. I’d love to see that extended to other shows. I also remember a few years ago that Nickelodeon re-ran a number of old shows with the original, network commercials from their first run. Good times!

  138. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    January 3rd, 2013 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    MW Oooh! I see it coming: John Dill, Cake Nazi!

  139. hogenmogen
    January 3rd, 2013 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#137): Yah, they did that on a big band radio show I used to listen to. Most of the products, like Quaker Oats, are still around, so I wonder if these companies were really sponsoring the show or if they were getting freebies.

  140. Liam
    January 3rd, 2013 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    A3G-It’s the heads of Margo’s roommates in that box.

    MT-Mark is getting bored of this story that he decides to step out of it and do some fishing.

    MT 2-”While they are arguing I shall catch some fish.”

    JP-”Me with the chamber maid.”

    MW-Listen, Dill, who is living their dream of entering a cake decorating contest vicariously through you.

  141. hogenmogen
    January 3rd, 2013 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#133): And “Otto” was Emilio Estevez’s character in Repo Man, which had a punk soundtrack.

    “What’s your name, kid?”
    “Otto.”
    “Otto what? Otto Parts?”

  142. hogenmogen
    January 3rd, 2013 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    Otto: Come on, Juan, this is Otto, your friend!
    Juan: Well, Otto, say ‘ello to my leetle frien’!!

  143. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 3rd, 2013 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#141):

    Yes, that still the first reference to come to mind when I hear that name! I blame society.

  144. seismic-2
    January 3rd, 2013 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    @Vince M (#136): Hog Reports and other agricultural forecasts used to be a staple of small-market TV stations, who would broadcast them as the first program of the day (since back then farmers were the only people who would be up and watching TV at the breakfast table at 4:30 AM). And yes, they certainly were sponsored by fertilizer and feed stores, and the commercials consisted of announcers with clip boards reading testimonials to how much production would be improved by feeding one brand or another of chow to your livestock. Nowadays, of course, Hog Reports can be found 24/7 on the innertubes, like this.

  145. Sequitur
    January 3rd, 2013 at 9:41 pm [Reply]

    @longchamp france (#145): Stopped in the middle of a sentence, right? You didn’t have the guts to complete your SPAM!

    // Come to think of it, most people don’t have the guts to complete the Spam.

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