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Saturday one-liners

Heathcliff, 1/26/13

Heathcliff has so alienated everybody with his rude behavior that his only friends are his own parasites.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/26/13

These squirrels are more industrious and forward-thinking than literally any human in Hootin’ Holler.

Judge Parker, 1/26/13

You cannot deny that any drama that includes the dialogue “They sent an e-mail and a confirmation express letter!” is an unstoppable thrill ride.

Shoe, 1/26/13

Haha, it’s funny because of anuses!

198 responses to “Saturday one-liners”

  1. bats :[
    January 26th, 2013 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    Abbey Spencer behind the curve? That’s just plain heresy!

  2. Liam
    January 26th, 2013 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    FC-Sorry, Jeffy, those are unmarried socks. They are living in sin.

    JP-Quick to the private jet. We are going to Paris.

  3. sighing maiden still sighing
    January 26th, 2013 at 8:28 am [Reply]

    “Heathcliff has so alienated everybody with his rude behavior that his only friends are his own parasites.” – I can relate. *sigh*

  4. Freakin Hemingwad
    January 26th, 2013 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#2): Jeffy has mastered the concept of ‘incest’. I wonder how.

  5. sighing maiden still sighing and yes still maiden
    January 26th, 2013 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    Mutts: I loled.

  6. Freakin Hemingwad
    January 26th, 2013 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#1): Abby is standing right behind her curves. You can scarcely see her.

  7. KreatureFeatures
    January 26th, 2013 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    Herb and Jamaal: What kind of creepy monster is this woman that her eyelids can extend out and over the lenses of her eyeglasses?

    Spiderman: Peter Parker has chosen the the worst possible spot to hitchhike, one which will result in a brutal multi-car collision for anyone who stops to pick him up.

  8. Droopy Says
    January 26th, 2013 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    Even as we snark on Spiderdick, a brilliant supervillain is preparing a bold and evil scheme. His goal: create the direst threat that Peter Parker can defeat with the least amount of effort.

  9. Eli
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    The denizens of the Judge Parkerverse are now so rich that they actually eat money.

  10. seismic-2
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    FC: Jeffy, those socks are in fact related, but not to you, to their eternal relief.

    MW: Simon says, “Put your hand behind your right ear. John Dill, you lose! Right ear!” This team has much work to do before it is coordinated enough to carry a cake, I fear.

    SM: It’s going to take a long time before this particular hitch-hiker gets to New York. For one thing, he smells like elephant dung. And for another thing, he’s Peter Parker. He’ll be kicked out of the car in less than 10 miles, once he gets started talking about last week’s Green Acres marathon.

  11. Rusty
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    JP: Too bad there wasn’t some way to check e-mail when you leave town for a few days.

    FW: Batiuk would like the government to give him social security benefits now, while he is still walking around and smirking, leaving nothing to fund his inevitable convalescence. Should we put the elderly on ice flows, since they aren’t enjoying themselves anyway?

  12. D.
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    It’s January 26. Why are the residents of Hootin’ Holler still preparing for winter? Is this place so backwater they’re behind on seasons, too?

  13. sporknpork
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    Looks like the residents of Hootin’ Holler are gonna have a nice harvest of acorns this winter, with fur-lined speedos, too. Suck it, Aesop.

  14. Cloudbuster
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    Shoe: If The Village People’s “In the Navy” isn’t running through your head as soon as you read that comic, you’re probably a large, anthropomorphic bird. Then again, looking at the expression on Shoe’s face, I think that’s exactly what’s going through his mind.

  15. Lanfranc
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    Shoe – So the Perfessor’s cousin is a retired US Navy rear admiral, whilst he himself is a prospect-less columnist for some local rag. I’ll bet the family reunions are hilarious.

    JP – I’m still confused about the whole setup for this arc. Isn’t Neddy a legal adult? She attends college in Paris and has her own apartment and banker and everything. But her bank nevertheless provides sensitive information about her finances to third persons (even if it’s her parents) without her permission? I… I don’t think that’s how banks are really supposed to work.

  16. pugfuggly
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff Not to go all Marmaduke on this, but has anyone else ever wondered why the blond kid is being raised by his grandparents, and if it’s at all related to the fact that they all seem to be a little afraid of the cat?

    JP Hmmm…it seems that while Spiderman was off fighting Kraven, he got a little behind on his bills. But wait a minute, Peter doesn’t know how to use e-mail, so…oh, right…Judge Parker…

    Shoe So the birds have their own Navy? I wonder if they fish have an air force

  17. Chyron HR
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    Popeye – Is… is that homunculus supposed to be Poopdeck Pappy’s literal mother? Not his wife? Isn’t “maw/ma/mother” a term of affection that old men used to call their wives? I feel like I shouldn’t be the one asking these questions of the guy who actually wrote Popeye, and yet…

  18. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    Frazz: heeee! I suppose Deluth is more recognizable than “the UP”, but I’ve heard similar jokes. (Two seasons in the UP, winter and the 4th of July, or winter and three months of tough snowmobiling.)

    Dilbert: I have a dream. . . .

    R&R: *gentle smile*

    SBp: somewhere, Jahvid Best is crying.

    Blondie: SSG has heard the rumors about Dag and his junk.

    JP: Abbie Spencer, nice curves to be behind.

    MG&G: /facepalm, with Scottie dogs.

    Mutts: *SNURK*

    PMP: o godz, that would have improved SO many meetings in my life.

    Pluggers: HAH! dodged that one.

    RwO: *GLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!* I luff eeet! (“my quid is squid” deserves a T-shirt)

    SF: *sigh* Nona used to count up. . . .

    SFx: Panel 1, the whisky’s run out. Panel 2, the beer has run out. [*]

    Retail: if this ends up with Cooper festooned with stakes and garlic, I will plotz.

  19. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . mutual masturbation. (good thing that Little Naked Guy is left handed, amirite?)

  20. pugfuggly
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    @sporknpork (#13):

    That is bloody great.

  21. CanuckDownSouth
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    @Lanfranc (#15): There could be a trust fund involved for JP and oversight of that can go beyond age 18.

    Frazz: sort of like the joke about Manitoba scheduling summer for June 28 this year :-)

    BTW, Stone Soup’s teacher provided a nice contrast this week to FW. A promising student and major character doesn’t get out of cheating by doing a different, no-penalty, tailored-to-her-hobbies assignment!

  22. John C Fremont
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    @gleeb (#y106): And how can this be? Well, she is the Kwisatz Haderach. Plus the peacock thing.

    MW – I sure hope it was as good for John Dill as it obviously was for Mary. In the words of George Tawara, “Oh, my.”

  23. Holly Folly
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    I’m not sure what kind of intrigue they are going for in Judge Parker while their protagonists eat cookies and drink grape juice out of wine glasses.

  24. Droopy Says
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    @Lanfranc (#15): That’s how banks work in JP. The Parkers went to the bank to set up Neddy’s account, and the banker was quite accommodating. Once they finished the paperwork (which involved the bank paying them a fee for the privilege of handling their money) the Parkers paused to discuss their dinner plans. In that moment the banker was delighted to find even more favors to shower on them. The surprising thing is they weren’t named to the board of directors and given an immediate raise.

  25. pugfuggly
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    MW I’m looking forward to the classic ‘training montage’ this strip is sure to go through next week. I’ve got ‘Eye of the Tiger’, ‘You’re the Best Around’ and ‘Gonna Fly Now’ cued up on my ipod, with ‘MacArthur Park’ on standby, just in case tragedy strikes.

    MT “Mind if I do a j?” /a la Jeff Bridges

    A3G If the flames just get bigger with every swing of the ax, STOP SWINGING THE AX!!!!

  26. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    H&L: Guinness is Good for You.

    MT: I don’t bet until I know what Nate Silver thinks.

  27. Ursula
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    Phantom: Suddenly in the 3rd frame the bad guys are transported to an inside space? Or did a large truck pull up behind them and they didn’t notice?

  28. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail’s lolcat.

    This will make even Sequitur smile. The rest of you will be brainmushed by teh floofy kewtness.

    Tree shark.

    It has come to this, Mr. Scudder.

    suddenly, ferrets.

    bebbeh sloth. so kewt even Sequitur might brainmush.

    corgipup in a bow-tie.

    ridin’ corgi.

  29. Chareth Cutestory
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    Shoe: Dammit, Shoe, you went as far as making a “rear admiral” joke but you stopped short of making a “poop deck” navy joke, too. Where is the follow through, where is the commitment?

  30. Horace Broon
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    Archie: “I mean, having him as a boyfriend was one thing, but the sight of his gormless face grinning from your T-shirt leads me to suspect you’ve joined some sort of Archieism cult.”

    HtH: The joke is that obviously, the Vikings don’t really want to eat a horse.

    Retail: Blade the Vampire Hunter reference FTW!

  31. commodorejohn
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    @Rusty (#11): Batiuk would like the government to give him social security benefits now, while he is still walking around and smirking, leaving nothing to fund his inevitable convalescence. Should we put the elderly on ice flows, since they aren’t enjoying themselves anyway?

    The real question: should we put Batiuk on an ice floe?

    I think we all know the answer to that.

  32. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:53 am [Reply]

  33. Mardou Fox
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    The house/jail/mental institution that the speech balloons are coming from in Mark Trail is getting bigger every day.

    Mark is stone cold trippin’, that’s all there is to it.

  34. Ratiocinator
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    ASM: And this is how it will end for Spider-Man: death at the hands of a serial killer cruising up and down the highway looking for people who are still stupid enough to hitchhike. In any other medium, his spider-sense would prevent that from happening, but not here.

    RMMD: Oh no, Delores’ illness has turned her INVISIBLE! What other explanation can there BE?!!

    Slylock: Eep, a saloon monster!

  35. Mibbitmaker
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff: “What you call infestation”, says the cat, “I call a party!”

    (BG&)SS: Wait’ll those little fellers bop everyone’s beanies with them nuts, a la Mutts.

    JP: Technology. Neddy’d be much better off if those two, themselves, were technology.

    Shoe, just for today, will be renamed Underpants, because (childish snickering).

  36. Binder's Butter Beans
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    Fortunately, Heathcliff still has his tapeworm to keep him company.

    FW: Haha! Darin, this is the Funkyverse! You’re not going to live long enough to be put in a nursing home.

  37. cheech wizard
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:21 am [Reply]

  38. debussy fields
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    MW– Whose right hand is that? Oh, wait. This is Mary Worth, where weird stuff like that happens all the time. I should know by now.

  39. cheech wizard
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#18): re: Speed Bump. You know Dave Coverly is from Lions country, right? Lives in Ann Arbor. I played poker with him a couple times, but can’t say I know him personally.

  40. Jocelyn Knockersbury
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    Juggs Parker: I like the new artist well enough, but Abby’s hair is hard on the eyes. She must go through a case of Manic Panic a month to keep it that bright every day.

  41. debussy fields
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    The sad state of the modern-day comics page: Ten percent of the comics on any given day are truly funny and might make a person actually laugh a bit. Another ten to twenty percent make us laugh, but not for the reason their creator intended. Fifty percent are not funny, but we can at least see why they’re SUPPOSED to be funny. That leaves a whopping twenty to thirty percent that are not funny and we haven’t a clue as to why they’re supposed to be funny, as in today’s Snuffy Smith.

  42. Morgie910
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    I wasn’t paying attention and I thought that the Judge Parker was Spider Man. It still made sense.

  43. Mibbitmaker
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    BC: Babbling Brooke: 9CL and Glibporn (esp. Thorax).

    9CL: Intended message from Babbling Brooke: Gee, politicians are terrible, let’s murder them!

    Curtis: Greg finally stops being a spoiled, Curtis-like brat, but his wife can still be insufferably smug at not including him in decisions about his favorite stuff. Win/lose.

    FW: But, you see, Darrin, you don’t have to be elderly to get Social Security — if you’re sufficiently handcapped, you can get it at any adult age. And, just your luck: you’re in Funky Winkerbean in 2013 — you’re bound to become physically handicapped soon enough!

    Lio: This has always been a great series, but sometimes Lio himself can be a complete asshole.

    S-M: Why not just can the superhero crap and make this a two-character humor strip starring Peter and JJJ? It might actually be enjoyable that way.

  44. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#39): yes, I was aware of the MI connection. I remember him using Jeff Backus by name in one strip, for example. :-)

  45. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    @debussy fields (#41): there’s also the 1% that just plain suck.

    yes that’s right, folks, Reply All IS the 1%. . .

  46. Weaselboy
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    This morning I got out of bed, made myself a cup of coffee, and then sat down to my computer to learn the latest developments in the continuing saga of two old people pretenting to carry a cake. This is what my life has become.

  47. cheech wizard
    January 26th, 2013 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#44): Yeah, poor guy’s a Lions fan, apparently. Me, I’ve been clean for three years now.

  48. bats :[
    January 26th, 2013 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#28): Love Mark’s cat! And I don’t think the sloth has fhumbs, either…

  49. Darryl Heine
    January 26th, 2013 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    SOME OTHER 1 LINER: The Chicago Tribune replaced the January 26, 2013 Argyle Sweater comic strip dealing with CHIEF HUNGRY BEAR with one from January 26, 2010 dealing with Celine Dion!

  50. seismic-2
    January 26th, 2013 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    @Darryl Heine (#49): Why, exactly? Do they consider traditional Native American ceremonial headdresses to be offensive, or what?

  51. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 26th, 2013 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    @debussy fields (#41):

    The sad state of the modern-day comics page: Ten percent of the comics on any given day are truly funny and might make a person actually laugh a bit. Another ten to twenty percent make us laugh, but not for the reason their creator intended. Fifty percent are not funny, but we can at least see why they’re SUPPOSED to be funny. That leaves a whopping twenty to thirty percent that are not funny and we haven’t a clue as to why they’re supposed to be funny, as in today’s Snuffy Smith.

    Ok, I read this comment, and I was inclined to agree, but then I thought, is that just old-codgerism, everything was better way back when? Ok. Here’s the St. Petersburg (Fla) Times, Jan. 26, 1950, comparison:

    Ozark Ike: ? Not funny, continuity strip.

    Joe Palooka: Sports.

    Pogo: Funny! Of course.

    Gordo: Trying to be funny?

    Blondie: Trying. Ok.

    Donald Duck: Trying. Ok.

    Moon Mullins: Continuity, but effective slapstick. Funny, IMO.

    Gasoline Alley: Continuity. Meh. (Character named “Pudgy” — Is he related to Slim and Uncle Chubby? )

    Mugs and Skeeter: Trying. Ok.

    Rip Kirby: Adventure! (I love Rip Kirby!)

    Orphan Annie: Adventure!

    L’il Abner: Trying to be funny. Ok.

    Dick Tracy: Adventure!

    Steve Canyon: Adventure!

    Barney Google and Snuffy Smith: Ok, I thought it was funny. And Rocky Stoneaxe’s pal Sut Tattersall is in it.

    Ok, Mr. Fields. It was better way back when. And the rest of you kids, get offa my lawn!

  52. seismic-2
    January 26th, 2013 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#51): A slide rule joke in Pogo!

  53. bats :[
    January 26th, 2013 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    @Jocelyn Knockersbury (#40): well, if Abby didn’t glow in the dark, she might run into something in the dark and hurt herself.
    Yeah. Like THAT would happen.

    (And in case you missed more harrowing excitement…)

  54. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 26th, 2013 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#43): Why not just can the superhero crap and make this a two-character humor strip starring Peter and JJJ?

    That could work. A kind of updated Mutt & Jeff.

    PETER: Oh. Traffic in the streets is really terrible today! Before it was easy, but now there are cars going everywhere!
    J. JONAH: And have you only noticed it now?
    PETER: Yes. I have just put on these new eyeglasses!

  55. Ratiocinator
    January 26th, 2013 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    @Weaselboy (#46):

    This morning I got out of bed, made myself a cup of coffee, and then sat down to my computer to learn the latest developments in the continuing saga of two old people pretenting to carry a cake. This is what my life has become.

    Give this man…er, boy…er, weasel? Whatever, give him the next COTW!

  56. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 26th, 2013 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#52): A slide rule joke in Pogo!

    Of course. Slide rules improve everything!

  57. bats :[
    January 26th, 2013 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#51): Gordo would have occasional stand-alone strips, in addition to an ongoing story, which you see here. I think it sorta followed the layout of Mark Trail, story during the week and an independent strip, many having to do with Hispanic culture and often in glorious color on Sunday.
    Only it was better.

  58. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 26th, 2013 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#57): Gordo! What a cool strip! — I’ve been googling around on it, just now. Somehow never showed up on my radar before.

  59. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 26th, 2013 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#54): More from the new JJJ & Spidey strip:

    PETER: Gosh, Mr. Jameson. This cake you baked for the contest is sure heavy!
    J. JONAH: Clam down, Parker, you wimp! It’s only a few steps!
    PETER: But I only have the proportionate strength of a spider!

  60. John Small Berries
    January 26th, 2013 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    @D. (#12): Judging from the lush, green foliage, I’d say that yes, they are in fact quite behind on their seasons as well.

  61. bats :[
    January 26th, 2013 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#58): The creator was born in Florence, AZ (home of our state prison), and as I was growing up in a very white area of Phoenix, Gordo was an excellent way to learn about the culture all around me. There was a large cast of recurring, well-developed characters, and that didn’t include the cast of animals, either (chihuahua, rooster, beatnik spider, chicks, kittens), including one of the best comic strip cats ever, Poosy Gato.
    A few collections of Gordo have been published, including “Gordo’s Cat,” featuring Senor Gato.

  62. I speak Jive
    January 26th, 2013 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth – Instead of worrying about the weight of the cake, shouldn’t they be concentrating on moving it without damaging any delicate decorations? Oh, wait – the cake is slathered with pink gloop and has a couple of flower-like things stuck on. Never mind.

    Mark Trail – That last panel just screams EVIL. There will be punching.

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#45): Did you see Reply All today? She needs to work on her drawings of men. I’m glad that she identified him as a man, because otherwise I wouldn’t have known what it was supposed to be.

    For all-time worst comic, I would nominate Close to Home. I don’t usually bother to read it, but lately I have been reading the dead tree Washington Post and see it there. The drawing is hideous, and the alleged jokes are horribly unfunny.

  63. I speak Jive
    January 26th, 2013 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    Judge Parker – Do banks actually send out emails? I thought that because of phishing, banks do not contact their customers by email.

  64. Lurker111
    January 26th, 2013 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    Re: Shoe. The joke my brother came up with, many (many!) years ago, was this:

    Q: If humanoids live on Earth, where do hemorrhoids live?
    A: They live on Uranus.

  65. CanuckDownSouth
    January 26th, 2013 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @I speak Jive (#63): well, online banks often send automatic emails reminding about statements. But for verifying that an account is OK (checking a cheque or odd credit card purchase), I’ve always been contacted by phone.

  66. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 26th, 2013 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#y87): Oh, believe me, that wasn’t a complaint; I love riding the Aerial Float!

    @bats :[ (#y104): Hahahahahaha . . . ewwwww.

  67. Poteet
    January 26th, 2013 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    BG & SS — The Hootin’ Holler squirrels are certainly industrious and cute, but they are also possibly insane. Squirrels aren’t supposed to show off in small groups by displaying large numbers of their gathered acorns lying on the ground. They are supposed to individually bury individual acorns in dispersed locations and thereby continue the Great Work of Squirrelkind by regenerating the oak forests of North America, especially red oaks.

    http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/1998/11/981126102802.htm

  68. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 26th, 2013 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    MT: Where the hell is this fishing tournament, anyway? In a storm-drain overflow pond in the middle of that city?

    ASM: So Broadway star MJ won’t send her own husband the money for airfare—or even bus fare? I know that Peter is useless, but that’s pretty har—well, pretty great, actually.

  69. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 26th, 2013 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    @I speak Jive (#62): I avoid Reply All like Baka Gaijin avoids clown conventions.

    yeah, Close to Home is like Argyle Suckitude with worse art.

    I miss Gary Larson.

  70. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 26th, 2013 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#28): Fine Satursquee, as usual!

    @I speak Jive (#62): re: Reply All: I sort of know that guy (also named Mark) on whom the character Mark is based. If you really squinted your eyes, and then poured vinegar in them to totally screw up your vision, that’s exactly what he’d look like.

  71. Poteet
    January 26th, 2013 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#68): BWAHAHA! And possibly Peter was too proud/dim to even think of telling her about his situation and asking for money, which is also pretty great. The only losers in this situation are the drivers who will pick him up and have to listen to non-stop whining until they kick him out.

  72. Majicou
    January 26th, 2013 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    @I speak Jive (#62): I had to stop reading Close to Home because it was just too disgusting to look at. Not only were the characters and the backgrounds profoundly ugly, everything seemed to be covered in hair as if the comic had been drawn in a shower drain at a men’s dorm.

  73. seismic-2
    January 26th, 2013 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    @I speak Jive (#63): Of course, the Parkers and Driver-Spencers have direct and dedicated secure high-rate network connections to every major bank in the world, for moving money around in response to currency fluctuations. A major crisis was triggered last year when Sophie accidentally hit clicked on the wrong address when sending an E-mail to would-be boyfriend Derek, and the entire national treasury of Botswana was transferred to the Cayman Islands and then sent to the Bender Blaster Guitar Company.

  74. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 26th, 2013 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#73): Hannalore’s mother misplaced a decimal point and the Argentinian economy collapsed.

  75. Vince M
    January 26th, 2013 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#51): Cool link – and I see on the radio listings that Ed Dodd is a guest on Mutual’s “Sports for All”, probably giving advice on not fishing with your child-thing.

  76. Calico
    January 26th, 2013 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    Ha, first Crank I’ve laughed at in a long time.
    Pam is a harpy, and he just wants her to shut up so he can do something he enjoys. I generally overplan myself.
    This could help: (free for 30 days)
    http://gardenplanner.tastefulgarden.com/

  77. Aviatrix
    January 26th, 2013 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (Y103): You are too funny.

  78. Calico
    January 26th, 2013 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    Why wasn’t Abby receiving and reading important family e-mails/contacts as well, esp. with Lord Spencer dallying about with pot farmers and movie directors-turned fishing bums?
    Wow, don’t lose your touch, folks.
    But I’m fairly sure they will obtain even more cash, perhaps from a class action lawsuit against whomever is swiping cash from Ned’s account.
    (What if Sophie joined the group “Anonymous” and hacked her step-sister’s account(s)? That would be awesome.)

  79. Sean
    January 26th, 2013 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    How is it that people inside Heathcliff’s house can be standing in front of the upper window pane? Does Heathcliff live in R’lyeh?

  80. The Ridger
    January 26th, 2013 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    @Sean (#79): I didn’t even notice that. I was too busy wondering why the old guy wasn’t bloody from washing a cat in an open tub….

    I’m forced to conclude that Sam’s email is pre-read for him by his secretary, or would be if it weren’t that she clearly hadn’t been reading his email while he was gone. Didn’t he take his phone with him?

  81. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 26th, 2013 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    @Sean (#79): it was previously suggested that Heathcliff’s owner lady was related to Window Girl.

    *runs away laughing as the brainbleach begins to fly*

  82. Austria
    January 26th, 2013 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    Archie: The real question is, did Veronica knit that Archie sweater herself, or did she pay someone to do it? Or is Betty being held hostage in a back room churning out Archie sweaters?

    BB: This strip gets more nonsensical with each passing day. Soon it’ll be composed entirely of non-sequiters.

    Blondie: You forgot Chris Hemsworth, Dag. You forgot Chris Hemsworth.

    FC: For one brief moment, I thought Jeffy asked if the socks were “retarded.”

    Luann: “Oz”? Is that a reference to Australia or to the Land of Oz? Does ANYONE call Australia “Oz”?

    Shoe: I SEE THAT COMPUTER FONT, YOU CHEATERS.

  83. seismic-2
    January 26th, 2013 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    @The Ridger (#80): Gloria Sanchez has always done everything that gets done at Sam Driver’s office. In the “vintage” Judge Parker strips that are running on dailyink.com this week, we have been seeing the strips from July and August of 1969 where Sam meets Abbey for the first time, and Gloria is setting everything up, to the point of postponing Abbey’s meeting requests to make Sam seem hard-to-get. If Abbey only knew then what we know now, “hard to get” doesn’t really describe it adequately.

  84. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    January 26th, 2013 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    FW “We’re all going to end up one day sitting in a big room with other people… eating jello and watching TV.”
    “You mean we’re having dessert at Montoni’s again?”

    MT “Put your money on Rod Bassy! Yeah, Trail, just roll up a five-dollar bill and shove it down the front of my jock strap.”

    A3G Greg should be able to keep quite a fire going with all the kindling he’s chopping up and feeding to the flames.

  85. bats :[
    January 26th, 2013 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    @Majicou (#72): sometimes the jokes are amusing, but I usually skip it, just because the drawing is nasty, like you say.

  86. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    January 26th, 2013 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#53): …more harrowing excitement…

    I hope you realize the risks posed by laughing while vomiting – aspiration pneumonia. *cough*urk*cough*

  87. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 26th, 2013 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    @Vince M (#75): Naturalist Ed Dodd! Right you are. I hadn’t noticed that.

    // That means he likes to go around naked, right?

    // And Gene Autry’s being paid $500 a week to stay out of television. It’s still working!

  88. Majicou
    January 26th, 2013 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers: At least Clawed Balls or whatever the hell is name is has the grace to look embarrassed–”Why didn’t I get luggage like that?”–rather than smug at how much more salt-of-the-earth he and his soon-to-be-dislocated shoulders are than the wheel-using elitist.

    9CL: PIANO: “I’m falling at a 60 degree angle, defying all known laws of physics!”

    reFOOB: Speaking of effort, Lynn, why don’t you just submit a white rectangle with the words “My ex-husband is an asshole” and have ‘em publish it every day? Nobody would notice the difference.

    Momma: The woman constantly seeking affirmations of her own attractiveness from her brother is… yeah. Can we just stipulate that this whole family is clearly boning each other regularly and have done?

  89. Thleen
    January 26th, 2013 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    BC: Oh, jeez. Come on, guys, you’re better than this. And I can’t honestly tell if that’s supposed to be a medieval pun or not, but just– just stop. It’s like watching your mother try to be “cool”; it’s just embarrassing and mildly loathsome.

  90. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    January 26th, 2013 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    MW “Weightlifting is not my specialty, but I’ve some experience with these things.”
    What the hell is that supposed to mean?
    “John, I don’t train with weights, and I’ve never baked and hauled around cakes this heavy, but I’ve emptied more than enough bedpans at the hospital!”
    “Ha! That’s nothing, Mary! I couldn’t count the number of chamberpots I had to fling when I was a hotel manager!”

  91. Doctor Handsome
    January 26th, 2013 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    If you have no idea how a person might check their e-mail while they’re away, then yes, it’s safe to say you’re a little behind the curve.

  92. But What Do I Know?
    January 26th, 2013 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    Heathcliff– Omnium animum est triste post washum, if the ladies will excuse the Latin. . .

  93. Doctor Handsome
    January 26th, 2013 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    Of course Heathcliff feels lonely. His “family” is clearly just trompe l’oeil-ed on a wall there.

  94. tallyHO
    January 26th, 2013 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (yesterday#59):

    Well I’ll be a monkey’s helper!

    Is the general theory that “clam down” was a mistake or that the strip used it intentionally?

    Like I wrote yesterday, it does work as a phrase. I’m quite serious about that. In fact, I’m surprised those masters of locution, The Three Stooges, didn’t utter it first. It seems so appropriate.

    Moe:
    “Clam down!”
    Larry:
    “Clam? Don’t you mean “Calm down”?”
    Moe:
    “I would if weren’t talkin’ to a chowderhead!”

  95. Dale
    January 26th, 2013 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#68):

    MARK TRAIL

    Bassy could be staying in a hotel near the contest site.
    For an interview, with pictures even, why not do it someplace that looks like the kind of place where fishing might be performed?
    Mark meets the guy. Bluegill suggested that Bassy cheats. Mark hints at cheating. (Did you murder … ?) Why not wait until after, or at least during, the contest?

  96. Doctor Handsome
    January 26th, 2013 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    So, the rear admiral’s hemorrhoids were so severe, they affected his ability to discharge his duties?

  97. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 26th, 2013 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#96): And something about seamen!

  98. seismic-2
    January 26th, 2013 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    MT: We see today that Rod Bassy smokes little cigars. The fiend! That means that he doesn’t carry around sort of gum that people chew when they are trying to quit smoking, so he will be very hard to convict of any wrong-doing.

    Shoe: “My cousin in England resigned his commission in the Royal Navy because he couldn’t stand the people he was working with. He said they were all a bunch of bloody assholes.”

  99. Liam
    January 26th, 2013 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    A3G-”My god by chopping down this door I’m adding oxygen from the hallway to this fire making the fire bigger.”

    MW-”I’m sorry. I’m more used to conning one of my followers into carry things for me.”

    RMMD-”Come down with me? I didn’t take any drugs. ”

    Spiderman-If we are lucky Peter will get picked up by some crazed hitchhiker who will kill him and sell his organs on the black market.

  100. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 26th, 2013 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#97): you rang?

    (with a tip o the cap to the ghost of Dingo)

  101. Rod Bassy
    January 26th, 2013 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    Rusty, if you’re out there, I have something to tell you … I am your father. Your real name is Rusty Bassy. Come with me, son, and I’ll be the dad that Mark Trail never was. We’ll catch fish all day long, as our surname implies. And someday when I’m old, you’ll take over the family business, and make money hand-over-fist selling lures to yokels like Trail. You’ll never again have to sit on the dock alone, yearning to fish with your absent father.

  102. seismic-2
    January 26th, 2013 at 4:00 pm [Reply]

    @Rod Bassy (#101):
    Rusty Skywalker: “Lord Vader, you are my father!”
    Darth Vader: “NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

  103. Calico
    January 26th, 2013 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#100):
    I miss Dingo, though never met him, Universe bless Him – intelligent funny man

  104. tallyHO
    January 26th, 2013 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#102):

    Would it be going too far to say that:
    Darth Rod Vader would run away from Rusty Skywalker, run to the nearby pier, use the Force to summon a giant, flying fish, and jump upon its back to scoot away from
    Rusty Skywalker?

  105. Tangerine
    January 26th, 2013 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    Now really, Josh! The Spencer-Drivers have just lost more money than you or I have cumulatively owned throughout our entire lives; more money than we have even ever seen, including all fictional representations in heist movies and also that Batman movie where Heath Ledger sets fire to a pile of cash large enough to ski down. They lost so much money that they noticed it.

    Perhaps such a loss is too great for any human mind to fully process. Still, I do encourage you to try.

  106. tallyHO
    January 26th, 2013 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    Hi&Lois!

    A Thirsty Words of Wisdom strip!

    The dude is so drunk and yet Hi seems drunker.

  107. tallyHO
    January 26th, 2013 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    Y’know…Comic Strip Spider-Man must have superhero friends who could give him a lift across country. He must. Even some minor joke characters, like Commuter-Man or something.

    There is something so inefficient and undignified about a man with the strength of ten spide….

    aw…whatever. Maybe he’ll fight a deranged hitchhiker picker upper.

  108. tallyHO
    January 26th, 2013 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    Charterstone Cake Conundrum…

    errrrr…

    Mary Worth:

    They should just tap the Chippendale Dancer Fund and hire a couple of guys to carry the cake for them. As long as Mary and John Dill-Pickle can follow behind the bare-chested, partially tuxedoed fellows then at least they can sway some of the judges.

    Bonus points if they have some techno music and a light show, a couple of go-go dancers for the guys who might be there and who are delighted by such sights.

    Put on a show, Cake Decorating Contestants, you losers, you!

  109. Throw Another Shrug on the Barbie
    January 26th, 2013 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    @Austria (#82):

    “Luann: “Oz”? Is that a reference to Australia or to the Land of Oz? Does ANYONE call Australia “Oz”? ”

    Well, yes. I do sometimes, and many of my Australian friends (in science fiction fandom) do so sometimes.

  110. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 26th, 2013 at 5:01 pm [Reply]

    Shoe: Once again, Shoe’s eyes widen in horror at the realization that this clown was the only bird person he could get to work at his newspaper.

    MW: John is slipping into evil scientist mode again. “Yes, when the day comes, I’ll be ready to unleash my vengeance on all of them.”

    WofI: That was a long way to go for a joke that isn’t really a joke but more a passing mention of a passed fad.

    FW: If these two are together until the day they die, she’ll never feel more contempt for him than she does right now.

    9CL: I’m confused. I thought bank safes were what you dropped on lying politicians, and that grand pianos were for creepy young people to fuck on.

    Archie: Note to AJGLU3000. Teenage girls don’t usually wear sweatshirts with their boyfriend’s face silkscreened on the front. Not unless she’s in his cult.

    GA: You guys don’t need to tell us you aren’t getting it. It’s kinda self evident.

    BB: Plato’s right. You’ll never learn humility from a shrink who thinks he’s Captain Crunch. Snap Crackle or Pop, maybe.

    GT: “She’s a beast in an athletic good way, not a sexual good way, which I obviously wouldn’t know anything about because I never got up to anything with her even those three weeks when you and your family went to Orlando.”

    6C: “Uh-oh, they seem to have developed a taste for flesh.”

    SFx: He grew up, became a cowboy, thought he left his fear behind. The boogieman moved out of his closet and bounced from one cheap tavern to the other. Small world.

    Lockhorns: The first word is “bulbous” apparently.

    A3G: Greg manfully fights the urge to shout “Heeeeeere’s Johnny!”

  111. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 26th, 2013 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#106):

    The dude is so drunk and yet Hi seems drunker.

    Well, the coloring monkeys tried to make the beer look like coffee, and wound up turning it into stout. Pretty potent stuff.

  112. seismic-2
    January 26th, 2013 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    @Throw Another Shrug on the Barbie (#109): Remember, this is Luann we’re talking about. She thinks the main physical divisions of Australia are the beach, the outback, and Munchkin Land.

  113. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 26th, 2013 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#91): Sam tried to get the e-postman to forward his email to Bea’s B&B, but no one knew what he was talking about.

  114. The Sleepy Roommate
    January 26th, 2013 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    MW – Oh my gosh already they are more apprehensive about carrying the cake than anything else about the competition! How about winning? Did that cross their mind? Isn’t the cake supposed to be nature themed? A 2 tier pink cake with white icing is nature? Then it hit me – of course, they are SUPPOSED to lose the competition. We will waste all our time reading through this story line and then at the end they will lose and Mary will probably be okay about it and make some sentimental remark or some cheesy finish to the story.

    If Mary loses, then who DOES win? Well did anyone notice how intrigued Dawn was about the competition? What if we find out she decided to make a late entry? I can see that happening. Any thoughts?

  115. tallyHO
    January 26th, 2013 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    @The Sleepy Roommate (#114):
    Totally.

    In this one from Monday, Dawn and the blond lady seem totally geared towards taking down the high and mighty Mary/John Dill-Pickle Native American, Pinkified Masterpiece of a Monument.

    The key is “the contestants seemed so young. Are you nervous?”

    The blond lady was trying to rattle Mary. From Mary’s difficulties with carrying the cake across a kitchenette, we see that the lady got in Mary’s head.

    Notice how nonplussed Dawn is as she surveys both the cake and the design.
    This is what you’ve been ”working” on?”

    Now, yes. That could have been Dawn’s way of saying she misunderstood that Mary and Dill-Pickle were doing by “experimental baking and dessert making” (she’s young and freakish).

    However, I think she’s tasted enough of Mary’s pie that she knows just how bland Mary is when it comes down to taste. So, Dawn and the blonde are going to tag team and take down Mary and Dill-Pickle. It is inevitable (unless nothing of the sort occurs).

  116. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 26th, 2013 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    @Lanfranc (#15): I’m guessing that they’re administrators of her trust; my parents set up an arrangement like that because my brother lives out of the country and it’s a royal PITA for him to deal directly with his US accounts.

    I’m more baffled as to why they set it up so she receives $10,000 a month in the first place – it would make much more sense to disburse a smaller amount, as it would surely earn a higher rate of return staying invested than sitting in her checking account.

  117. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 26th, 2013 at 5:57 pm [Reply]

    the power of puppy eyes is strong with this one.

  118. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 26th, 2013 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#71): I know! That was my first thought, too: Peter is too stupid/cowardly to ask his wife for help in getting home. Also: doesn’t this idiot have a credit card?

  119. Alison
    January 26th, 2013 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

    “Luann”: I see there’s no file labeled “Juilliard”.

    “Mary Worth”: “I’ve some experience with these things”? “I’VE”? What century is this? Who says that instead of “I have”? Who ever talks like Mary, ever? Why doesn’t this strip just go full-on Medieval and have Mary say things like “Forsooth, John, thou has given me heavy cake tins, and I fear thy hands, alas, cannot bear such weight”?

  120. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 26th, 2013 at 6:02 pm [Reply]

    @Majicou (#88): A more accurate portrayal of Plugger luggage handling would be them pushing one of those carts you “rent” for a quarter loaded with a bunch of really ancient and scary-looking luggage.

  121. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 26th, 2013 at 6:15 pm [Reply]

    Dennis the Menace — D. Mitchell is like a 3 Minute egg — after 180 seconds he loses all his appeal (a peel)!

  122. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 26th, 2013 at 6:17 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#119): There was a blogger who also posted here who put up daily comics with the dialog translated into Middle English. I don’t remember the URL, although I’m pretty sure it’s on blogspot, so I can’t check to see if she’s kept it current. But Mary Worth and Mark Trail would both be excellent subjects.

  123. Aviatrix
    January 26th, 2013 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    @I speak Jive (#63): When I saw they had received an e-mail from the bank regarding large sums of money, my hopes briefly swelled for a Nigerian scam, but then were dashed.

  124. Alison
    January 26th, 2013 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#122):
    Heh, that sounds like fun.

    My favorite comic strip parody site was the “Dysfunctional Family Circus” which alas is no more because Bil Keane was upset by it. (The “Nietzsche Family Circus” is amusing but not as good.) There also used to be a funny FOOB site where the author mocked each strip on a daily basis, but that too was removed when Lynn Johnston got angry about it. Interesting how all these people who write/wrote *comic strips* display such a poor sense of humor, isn’t it? Maybe that explains why comic strips are so bad. I love how Stephan Pastis will quote his own hate mail in his strips and on his book collections. Now there is someone with a sense of humor, which probably explains why “Pearls” doesn’t suck.

  125. seismic-2
    January 26th, 2013 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#122): Apparently it was last updated in 2009.

  126. Aviatrix
    January 26th, 2013 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    Blondie: You show me a man who can spontaneously name three men off the “Sexiest HUnks of 2012″ list and I’ll show you a man who is not illogically swayed by the presence of a pretty woman.

    Dick Tracy: The storytelling here captivates me, even more so because I expect that at any moment misshapen blobs will jump out and shoot everyone.

    Spider-Man: Hey! “Peter Parker is a complete loser” is our schtick. I think Moy, Lieber and Elrod all got together over Christmas, read the Comics Curmudgeon archives, and then gave us what we seem to appreciate.

    Also, Peter doesn’t even have his thumb held out properly to hitchhike. Perhaps his lack of digital dexterity contributed to MJ’s decision that she could live a few more nights without him.

    FW: Why is the blond guy kidding himself? Only the rich can afford to sit in the big room eating Jell-O and watching TV. His fate is to die hungry and alone in an unheated apartment.

    A3G: The flames refused to obey the narration box, so now we escalate to the thought balloon. If that doesn’t make the artwork cooperate, expect the big guns: spoken dialogue between major characters!

  127. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 26th, 2013 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#yy73): Well, it looks like I called it…

    MW — John Dill’s faux cake is made of pink-painted weights from the set of barbells that he keeps in his bedroom (it’s next to the shrine he built to Buddy Valastro, the Cake Boss).

    Muahahahahaha… Muahahahahahaha… Muahahahahahaha!

  128. Alison
    January 26th, 2013 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#124):
    After I posted I realized it sounds rude to come to a comic strip site and talk about other comic strip sites being my favorite. What I meant was that those ones were my fave parody ones, as in changing the actual comics themselves (replacing the dialogue, adding in extra panels, taking out characters, etc). I don’t consider Josh’s site a parody.

    Also, @Austria (#82):
    I call it Oz but that’s only because I’m too lazy to type out “Australia”. Luann probably calls it Oz because she’s too dumb to know how to spell “Australia”, even though her soul mate lives there.

  129. tallyHO
    January 26th, 2013 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

    I know others commented on Heathcliff and the flat family graffiti painted on the side of the house.

    But, man, look how far the graffiti artist went to extend the foot on the painting o the guy. And, that water spilling from the house is brilliant.

    Heathcliff may be the tortured soul that painted that loving family. He isn’t lonely because he has no more fleas. He’s just lonely.

    And suffering from auditory hallucinations.

  130. commodorejohn
    January 26th, 2013 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

  131. Illustrator Steve
    January 26th, 2013 at 7:12 pm [Reply]

    MT – He’ll use his lure where the big ones hang out?! WHAT, exactly, is this guy fishing for?

  132. Illustrator Steve
    January 26th, 2013 at 7:23 pm [Reply]

    MT – As Mark interviews Rod Bassy at his fancy penthouse suite in the heart of Graystone City, he wonders if he’ll make it back in time for supper at the fishing camp…after all, tonight is PANCAKE night!

  133. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 26th, 2013 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#117): Every time you post something like that, I come one notch closer to getting a puppy. (The thought of Lolly’s reaction puts the brakes on that impulse, though.)

    @Alison (#119): I actually sometimes use that construction; I like the way it sounds. But I’m sometimes given to old-fashioned locutions. If one is going to be a nerd, why not go all the way?

    @seismic-2 (#125): Angry Kem was her screen name, wasn’t it?

  134. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 26th, 2013 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#131): If that’s what he’s looking for, then perhaps he should hightail it over to Judge Parker.

  135. seismic-2
    January 26th, 2013 at 7:46 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#133):
    Angry Kem was her screen name, wasn’t it?
    Right. You can Google that name to get more links. Apparently she has a Twitter account (but I don’t).

    But I’m sometimes given to old-fashioned locutions. If one is going to be a nerd, why not go all the way?
    Like this?

  136. tallyHO
    January 26th, 2013 at 7:51 pm [Reply]

    Snuffy Smif:

    This is hard to admit but I’m confused by the strip.

    Is granny saying that it will be a good Winter for the squirrels? If so, why are they talking as if Winter has yet to begin? If it isn’t Winter and the foliage is any indication, the discussion is occurring in the Summer.

    So, if it is “always a bad year fer somebody” does that mean that granny and Weezy are vegetarians? Does that mean that they ain’t eye’in’ dem squirrels as they fatten up for the Winter? Does that mean they don’t have designs on fryin’ them up some vittles like Nutchomper Stew? Why aren’t the squirrels grabbing their nuts and scrambling up the trees? (not that granny and Weezy are probably adept at either shooting or shimmyin’ up after ‘em)

    It’s all so out of character! So, confusing….

  137. Droopy Says
    January 26th, 2013 at 8:01 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#126): Peter doesn’t even have his thumb held out properly to hitchhike.

    I’m surprised we can see his thumb at all. Usually he keeps it some place where the sun don’t shine.

  138. tallyHO
    January 26th, 2013 at 8:18 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#126):

    I don’t mean to harp on his superhero identity but the guy could fling a web at a passing semi-truck and just ride. He’s Spider-Man. He could sneak on board a plane. He’s Spider-Man. He could crank call the Hulk and just wait for him to show up, blindside the Hulk by saying the Green Goblin ganked his phone and that he needs some Hulk help to go back to NYC and get his phone, and to help the Hulk get revenge on being crank called. He’s Spider-Man.

    He should be able to do so many things. He should be able to do so many things well, even.

  139. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 26th, 2013 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#133): The thought of Lolly’s reaction…

    Are you sure she would be jealous? Sometimes older dogs like having a puppy around. It’s companionship, a playmate, and it is often good for the puppy too, having a doggy mentor. I’ve had old cats who loved having kittens about. A couple of my cats lost their mothers too soon, and had to be bottle fed. Mrs. Scudder and I could handle the feeding, but our older cats took care of their education, and taught them cathood.

  140. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 26th, 2013 at 8:32 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#133): I actually sometimes use that construction…

    And I. Bookish people tend to talk like the books they read. Why not? My friends are bookish as well. Hey, they talk that way too!

    // We may slowly be becoming a cult. (Forsooth)

  141. Alice
    January 26th, 2013 at 8:37 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#119): Thank God for that. Imagine the weaksauceness of Luann paired with the bad-porn pomposity of 9CL. Auuugh.

  142. Ratiocinator
    January 26th, 2013 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#104): Did you know that according to “Darths & Droids”, Jedi have an ability called “Summon Bigger Fish”? (Or rather, one Jedi thinks he does.)

    http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0033.html

    http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0037.html

    http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0208.html

    http://www.darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0359.html

  143. tallyHO
    January 26th, 2013 at 8:47 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#142):
    My tie..it’s getting tight around my neck…must loosen it…

    nnnyyuh nyuh nyuh!

    //there’s almost no way I can write that visual gag that old comedians used to do in movies and TV when they were caught in an uncomfortable position.

    A Star Wars fumetti comic book that makes fun of the Force and feature Jar Jar Binks? Now I’ve seen everything!

  144. MWDG
    January 26th, 2013 at 8:53 pm [Reply]

    MW: Agree with “The Sleepy Roommate” post… I think that that B!tch Dawn is going to enter the cake contest with carpet muncher, Terry Bryson and win… John Dill will be in a rage and then beat Mary until she is blind. The councilman that Mary had an affair with a couple of years ago will make love to Mary…she will reach such a peak of ectasy it will cure her blindness.

  145. Ratiocinator
    January 26th, 2013 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#143): And Jar Jar is also a genius.

  146. Aviatrix
    January 26th, 2013 at 8:59 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#143): Darths and Droids retells the stories of the Star Wars movies as though it were a roleplaying game. The plot and motivations are significantly different, and the writers aim to explain the inexplicable from the original, sometimes as spectacularly good or poor dice rolls, sometimes as players misunderstanding the scenario, and other times as players doing the unexpected. For instance the character of Jar Jar and the elected position of Queen were inventions of a little sister dragged along to game night because her brother had been assigned to babysit.

  147. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:08 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#140): Becoming? I suspect that a past-tense verb might be more appropriate here.

  148. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:09 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#139): Not jealous, but while she adores people, she’s aggressive towards other dogs. Too dangerous for the puppy for me to take that chance, I’m afraid.

  149. I speak Jive
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:24 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#120): A Plugger would be upset at the thought of having to pay a quarter to use a cart.

    @Alison (#124): When it comes to no sense of humor about himself, Brooke McEldowney is in a class by himself. I don’t know if he has shut down any parody sites, but he doesn’t allow comments on his comics sites, and he has taken his critics to task (by throwing a major tantrum) more than once in his work.

    Best appearance by squirrels in today’s comics: Mutts.

  150. Mr. O'Malley
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:27 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#51): You left out Jimmy Hatlo’s TDIET. Funny.

    Oh my, look at the time. I’m off to the cafeteria for the 42¢ pork loin special.

  151. Aviatrix
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:30 pm [Reply]

    @I speak Jive (#149): You get the quarter back. But I can already envision the conversation between the Plugger and a person who might try to explain that fact. I’m pretty sure that my grocery store just gives a quarter to any Plugger who can’t manage to insert one in the cart.

  152. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:39 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#148): I understand. She regards an adult dog as threat. She might not regard a puppy thus. You might take her (if you haven’t tried it already) to a pet store and see how she reacts to puppies. You may be surprised. My dog is very jealous of dogs his size, but he simply loves little puppies. He’s always begging us (or so it seems) to get him a little brother or sister.

    Same with the cats I mentioned earlier. The older ones will swiftly unite to attempt to murder an adult cat introduced to the household (if we are taking care of a friend’s while on vacation, for instance). But with a kitten they either ignore it or treat it with affection.

  153. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:44 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#152): Or an animal shelter… The local outfit, where we got Wooster, insists on having you bring pets you already own down to meet any you are thinking about adopting. Before we could adopt Wooster, he had to be shown to to be not aggressive to our cats.

  154. Mr. O'Malley
    January 26th, 2013 at 9:51 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#124): As I remember, Bil Keane was fairly reasonable about “Dysfunctional Family Circus”, although King Features maybe not so much. The site owner ended it basically as a personal favor to Keane. (Full story here, of course.)

    I don’t know what happened with the Lynn Johnston story.

  155. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#150): You are right, missed it. Hidden down ther in the corner. I do it every time!

    Say, after lunch, wanna go fishing? I want to try out my “Sea Dillinger” lure (page 25). I’m sure it’s way better than any ol’ Rod Bassy Killer.

  156. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:03 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#153): To be strictly accurate, they just brought shelter cats in to audition with the puppies we were considering – to make sure the puppies were not aggressive to generic cats.

  157. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:04 pm [Reply]

    FW: Darrin’s dad just had a stroke, his mother revealed what a nightmare her marriage has been, and his wife treats him with undisguised contempt. That ought a show those hidebound literalists that comics don’t have to be funny!

  158. Mr. O'Malley
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:10 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#155): First I’m heading down to Nichols Bros. to test-drive a new Hudson Pacemaker.

  159. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:19 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#158): Cool! With the “step-down” design and Super-matic drive!

  160. Aviatrix
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:20 pm [Reply]

    @I speak Jive (#149): You inspired me to look for Pibgorn parody sites. I found this, not a parody but a review after which one commenter suggests that McE parodies pretentious artistes he knows. I link to it because it’s a good review, hitting most of the points we do about the strip, but the reviewer gives McE sufficient credit for his drawing skill to mostly override his pretentiousness.

    All the hits I found discuss Pibgorn parodying something else and not the reverse. Now that I think of it, Pibgorn parody would probably be pansexual porn, so perhaps it’s for the best my quest failed.

  161. Sgt. Stoned
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:27 pm [Reply]

    Zits: Meanwhile Jeremy looks the same as ever and is wearing the same checked lavender shirt he wears in every strip.

    MT: “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and a Rod is just a Rod”–S. Freud.

  162. bbofun
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:46 pm [Reply]

    Forgive the late snark, and any oversnark (I was rehearsing all day)-

    ASM- Normally this would call for a Wah-Wah sad horn, but the trombonist is so overworked on Spider-man that he’s gone into Golden Time.

    JP- He was gone for TWO DAYS! How many e-mails could have accrued? Oh, wait- this is Sam Driver- he’s probably getting offers for free cars and land deals every 30 seconds. (No, but really the WHOLE “Avery” arc was only two days- including the time it took him to have lunch with Peaches.)(Ah, Peaches…)

    A3G- “The flames are bigger now with every swing of the ax!” Then stop swinging the ax, doofus.

  163. exapno
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

    @Sgt. Stoned (#161):

    Its been fairly established in Zits that Jeremy has a closet full of shirts, or he will go clothes shopping for Back to School and get the exact same shirt and senakers

  164. Alison
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#140): @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#133):
    Fair enough if y’all are prone to using it on occasion. My main problem with Mary is that she uses stilted dialogue every darn day. If I was writing this post a la Mary it would go: *I understand! Sometimes people use certain phrases when they speak. However, I feel it’s quite unusual for us humans to speak in a certain manner at all times!* (Now that I think about it it would actually be fun to try and speak like Mary Worth all the time, every day, except the people around me would probably kill me after, oh, a couple of hours of this.)

    @I speak Jive (#149):
    So THAT’S why it doesn’t allow comments on “9CL” on the online newspaper I check before I come here. It’s got a whole page of comic strips and all the other ones are allowed commenters. I never realized why until now. Wow. That’s pathetic.

  165. commodorejohn
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:51 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#160): Now that I think of it, Pibgorn parody would probably be pansexual porn, so perhaps it’s for the best my quest failed.

    You remember how Tom Lehrer said that political satire was dead when they gave Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize? Yeah, same deal.

  166. I speak Jive
    January 26th, 2013 at 10:54 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#160): I can’t even bring myself to look at Pibgorn, let alone seek out any parodies of it.

  167. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 26th, 2013 at 11:07 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#152): My good sir, are you trying to tempt me into adopting a puppy? Are you, in fact, some form of puppy panderer?

  168. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 26th, 2013 at 11:18 pm [Reply]

  169. DaveyK
    January 26th, 2013 at 11:22 pm [Reply]

    So Shoe is being written these days by a group of 10-year-olds who only dimly understand the full meaning of the scatological humor they are using? Good to know.

  170. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 26th, 2013 at 11:30 pm [Reply]

  171. tallyHO
    January 26th, 2013 at 11:40 pm [Reply]

    @DaveyK (#169):

    No, no, no.
    The ruffled bird is trying to entice the bartender bird into a more scintillating conversation.

    Ruffled bird is aware that he can’t come right out and say what he means so he proceeds to speak le langue de franca that feathered friends use to flirt and by which they beat around the bush.

    Revision:
    Actually, now that I’ve read the strip twice, I’m surprised bartender birds eyes did not start a popping upon the mention of “severe hemorrhoids”. That isn’t something that normally pops out in normal conversation.

    Don’t get me wrong. I’m perfectly willing to accept that birds can get into the Navy. If Donald Duck could get in then the cartoon version of the Navy will accept any old bird.
    I can even accept that birds may own and operate a bar. If someone can “drink like a fish” or be “drunk as a skunk” why should birds get left out of the picture? But, to be non-chalant about a bird bringing up a topic like that…I dunno.

    Don’t get me wrong, the joke in the strip could have been worse.
    The bartender bird could have asked, “How did he find out?” and ruffled bird could have said, “An early bird woke him up one morning.”

    Ouch, right?

  172. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 26th, 2013 at 11:48 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#164): My main problem with Mary is that she uses stilted dialogue every darn day.

    Exactly! That is the way her character talks! It is not a bug, it’s a feature! It’s like Jeeves in P.G. Wodehouse’s stories. It is pointless to say that no-one talks like Jeeves (even if that were true) — Jeeves talks like Jeeves, and he talks like that all the time. He can not help himself. It would not be believable if he talked any other way. Mary talks like Mary. Horatio Alger characters talk a bit like Mary and Jeeves, because that is who they are.

    Now I will agree with you that Mary’s stories (unlike Wodehouse’s) are poorly written, and scarcely better plotted than Alger’s, but Mary’s stilted speech is perfectly consistent with her stilted character.

    I’ve made the same point about McEldowney’s stuff. People complain that no one real talks like his characters — again, that isn’t necessarily true, but it is beside the point. They consistently talk like McEldowney characters. It’s like complaining that Chaucer’s characters talk in Middle English. Yes, they do. Now, within that framework, does the story work? In both Mary’s and McEldowney’s cases, I would say no.

    // Chaucer, on the other hand, is pretty refulgent, IMHO.

  173. Aviatrix
    January 26th, 2013 at 11:55 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#172):

    Chaucer, on the other hand, is pretty refulgent.

    He does have the excellent excuse of having lived entirely in the fourteenth century. Mary, however, is an immortal, always born “about sixty-something years ago” and poorly adapting her speech and mannerisms to each new time she inhabits.

  174. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 27th, 2013 at 12:04 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#94): Is the general theory that “clam down” was a mistake or that the strip used it intentionally?

    My guess — and I’d bet a small sum on it — is that it was simply a mistake. I agree it does sound wonderfully slangy. Maybe not the Stooges, but the Bowery Boys, or in some cockney canting dialect, or variation of Polari.

    So, as RMMD has never been that clever, a mistake.

  175. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 27th, 2013 at 12:11 am [Reply]

    @DaveyK (#169): Hi Davey! Welcome back from the land of the Shadow of HeWhoShallNotBeNamedHere.

  176. Droopy Says
    January 27th, 2013 at 12:33 am [Reply]

    Spiderdick: You can’t give away your secret identity, Parker. You can’t even find an identity thief deseprate enough to steal it.

    Flunky’s Stroke of Bad Luck: It isn’t Armaggedon? Surly, you can’t be serious! You just had a reasonable question, which in Westview is a sign of impending doom. Now knock off the surliness and resume your sual moping.

    Spiderdick, yet again: I would have smacked him in the face with a rolled-up Sunday edition.

    Family Circus: “Little Billy (age 7).” Jeffy rounded that down from 70. Does the actual Billy Keane regret not becoming a legacy cartoonist, or did he go on to have a life?

    Spiderdick, why not: I read that headline as “Unfamous Kingpin,” which makes him the perfect opponent for Spiderdick. I’d comment on how the headline changes between panels but three’s my limit on shots of Spidey Snark.

    Sunday Mark Trail: I’ve loved trilobites ever since their cameo in “Godzilla.”

    Phantom: “Oops?” With a sly little smile? It’s no wonder nobody snarks at Sunday Phantom. Why can’t Weekday Phantom stop being the stupid twin?

    Pluggers: The presence of non-Plugger cats shakes my faith in the intelligence of cats.

  177. Aviatrix
    January 27th, 2013 at 12:35 am [Reply]

    The-Ghost-Ignorant-of-Skeletal-Sex-Characteristics at least knows how to jump her bones.

  178. Aviatrix
    January 27th, 2013 at 1:03 am [Reply]

    Batiuk is onto us now too. He set those throwaway panels up so that we could get a laugh by completing the ellipsis with “…oh here it is, room 101, the morgue.” I feel cheap now.

  179. tallyHO
    January 27th, 2013 at 1:11 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#174):

    Ah.
    Thank you. That’s kind of what I thought.
    But, in Apartment 3G, Margo has been written to utter:
    “What-The-Holy-Heck?!” and other witticisms which must have been more fun for the writer to use.

    You are probably right about the Bowery Boys. I could also “hear” The Little Rascals saying “clam down” in an indignant fashion or out of frustration.

    “Clam down, already, wouldja? We’ll get outta dis mess!”

  180. tallyHO
    January 27th, 2013 at 1:15 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#173):

    He does have the excellent excuse of having lived entirely in the fourteenth century.

    Today, no one could get away with such an excuse even if they tried. For better or for worse, you know there are people who try to use similar excuses.

    “I am a _________, kind sir! You’re ___________rules do not apply to me! What is this restraining garmet you wrap about my being? No. No, I will not accompany you to this “nut house” you speak of. Get thine hands off of me!

    “Mommy! The bad man is hoitin’ me!”

    // i keed, i keed.

  181. Poteet
    January 27th, 2013 at 1:16 am [Reply]

    MT — Nice strip about the horseshoe crab. Alas, (bail now to avoid dark side), the crabs are being heavily harvested for medical purposes and bait to the point that their numbers are down, and the red knot, a shorebird that heavily depends on horseshoe crab eggs and has one of the longest migrations of any animal, is in serious jeopardy.

    http://www.pbs.org/wnet/nature/episodes/crash-a-tale-of-two-species/introduction/592/

  182. Aviatrix
    January 27th, 2013 at 1:20 am [Reply]

    “Next: San Francisco, open your Golden Gate!” Peter Parker is getting a role in a watersports porn.

    I read the Mark Trail text boxes in the wrong order: the most significant marine life contribution to mankind is the rate at which the horseshoe crab can spawn.

    Mary Worth just delivered what everyone has been queuing their playlists for all week. (Wait, does one cue a playlist or queue it? They both make sense. Free Cue!)

  183. tallyHO
    January 27th, 2013 at 1:23 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#174):

    On a serious note (hopefully no pun intended)

    when i was briefly considering that phrase, of course “pipe down” came to mind. I’m not sure if I want to know the origins of it. But, that seemed idiosyncratic at one point in time, too.

    Again, I could look it up but then I am afraid to find out why there “pipe up” may be used far less than “pipe down”. In the post-crack pipe era, things are different. The colloquial–though perhaps rare– usage of “put down the crack pipe” to tell a person to stop over reacting or to shut up, is probably not at all derived from “pipe down” though…

    The reason why I don’t wish to know (for sure) is it is a colorful phrase and colorful phrases can be represented or mis-represented visually. So, I guess I’d prefer the phrases definition to be more ambiguous. So, should anyone discern anything about it, please preference it with a Spoiler Alert.

  184. Poteet
    January 27th, 2013 at 1:24 am [Reply]

    FW — Never miss a chance to be unpleasant. That’s the Winkerbean Way.

  185. tallyHO
    January 27th, 2013 at 1:26 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#183):

    …Preface it….not “preference it”….you’d think I have an auto-correcting spell check ovah here!

    //On that note, I’m out. G’night!

  186. Aviatrix
    January 27th, 2013 at 1:38 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#181): Damn, millions of years, all that spawning, all those birds eatign their roe, and we do them in.

  187. Poteet
    January 27th, 2013 at 1:40 am [Reply]

    MW — Wait a minute. Are Mary and John working every day during these weeks, or on long Saturdays, or two or three evenings a week, or what? How can I get a full picture of their fire and determination without more details? And I also want to know what kinds of pron Jeff is enjoying while Mary is busy baking. Wait, no I don’t.

    Given the attention paid to the lifting part, I predict that’s how high drama and/or catastrophe will strike.

  188. Poteet
    January 27th, 2013 at 1:50 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#186): The red knots are hanging on, so it’s not too late. And they’ve got some fans…

    http://rlv.zcache.com/red_knot_tshirt-r2758a2d63bd5466fb2f34710614ff031_f0l0g_360.jpg

  189. Aviatrix
    January 27th, 2013 at 2:05 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#187): Don’t look a gift training montage in the mouth.

  190. Dale
    January 27th, 2013 at 3:23 am [Reply]

    MARK TRAIL

    Doesn’t being food count as important?

  191. Aviatrix
    January 27th, 2013 at 3:27 am [Reply]

    @Dale (#190): Did you ever see Mark eat a fish?

  192. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 27th, 2013 at 3:47 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#171): Great. Now I’m wondering if birds do, indeed, get hemorrhoids.

  193. Droopy Says
    January 27th, 2013 at 3:54 am [Reply]

  194. Dale
    January 27th, 2013 at 4:13 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#191):

    No. Not even the good parts of a fish.

    I don’t think of pancakes as food. I will eat them out of courtesy to a host, under duress, maybe for money. If I see them on a menu, I know I’m looking at the wrong section.

  195. Liam
    January 27th, 2013 at 7:57 am [Reply]

    Spiderman-Why did the spider cross the road?

    RMMD-”I hope not. With all these young men I mean young women around I’m hoping to have my hands full.”

    MW-”I’ve laced the frosting with cyanide. If we lose we eat some of the frosting.”

  196. sporknpork
    January 27th, 2013 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#20): Thank ya!

  197. Morgan Wick
    January 27th, 2013 at 8:39 pm [Reply]

    With this, we have a three-way tie for the 18th-most snarked comics on the Curmudgeon: Blondie, Hi and Lois, and BG&SS have exactly 182 posts each.

    Also, Shoe broke a tie with Herb and Jamaal for 25th place with 147 posts.

  198. Firestorm17
    June 5th, 2013 at 10:19 pm [Reply]

    Shoe: Since when do birds have anuses?

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