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Stick-to-your ribs horror

Ziggy and Blondie, 7/9/08

I’m not sure which of these two diner-themed comics is more unsettling. Most of the kids today are wholly unfamiliar with castor oil, except as an abstract thing that characters in classic Warner Brothers cartoon are comically terrified of having forced upon them, so let me be the first to tell you that it’s a laxative. Is “Mom” implying that her meatloaf is essentially an enormous colon plug, and that Ziggy’s GI tract thus needs to be prepared if he wants to survive the experience of eating it? Or is she just maternally handing out folk remedies that don’t meet FDA approval to total strangers, seeing as her children have cut off contact with her as a result of their emotionally-scarring diarrhea-plagued childhood?

An even more sinister possibility: in fascist Italy, paramilitaries would often force-feed castor oil to political dissidents as a means of intimidation, so it’s possible that Mom is a war criminal on the run.

Blondie is somewhat more straightforward, as amoral food addict Dagwood looks eager to devour the hashed up remains of some poor hobo.

Mary Worth, 7/9/08

See how easy it is to break up with someone when you don’t know how to feel? Dr. Jeff “Emo” Corey, take note.

229 responses to “Stick-to-your ribs horror”

  1. Ringo Beaumont III
    July 9th, 2008 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    I thought Blondie was atually sort of funny. In a “keep my expectations so low a snake can’t limbo under them” kind of way.

  2. Ringo Beaumont III
    July 9th, 2008 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    For “atually,” read “actually.”

    Or don’t.

  3. Milo
    July 9th, 2008 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    I think Mary Worth would be ten million times more interesting if that over-grown fern attacked and ate her in the middle of the night..

  4. Harry Worth
    July 9th, 2008 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth, a GILF that is now free and easy.

    No Doctors hanging onto her.

    No politicians taking up her time.

    No alcoholic stalkers wanted to play hide the crystal swan.

    Mary is free for the taking.

    Where does the line form?

  5. yeff
    July 9th, 2008 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    Speaking of “ewwww”, how about today’s rubes:

    http://www.creators.com/comics/rubes/21119.html

    Ewwwww…

    - yeff

  6. Smarmy Duke
    July 9th, 2008 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy and Dagwood need to join a masochist diner’s support group. Ziggy ain’t gettin’ none, one can understand his desire to feel anything. But Dagwood’s been married to a perpetually pert young blonde for decades. Oh, well, maybe old man Dithers has pushed him to gastronomical suicide.

  7. .303 Bookworm
    July 9th, 2008 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    #4 Milo – And it’s already feebly reaching its fronds toward her in an attempt to siphon her life’s blood. Silly vampiric plant! Mary Worth has no blood, only sluggish black ichor.

  8. .303 Bookworm
    July 9th, 2008 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    I meant #3, not #4. Crapsticks.

  9. Bravochimp
    July 9th, 2008 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    Ah, Ziggy…the thinking man’s Family Circus. Just more square.

  10. Jordan
    July 9th, 2008 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    I think “Mom’s Diner” is a semi-recurring gag in Ziggyland, with the owner of the diner treating her customers like her children. (“No dessert until you finish your milk!” or “Where are you going? Your plate isn’t clean!” Har DEE har HAR) But spoon-feeding stuff seems to be a new low. I predict the thermometer and petroleum jelly will come out next.

    And now onto that bright red thing on the arm of the diner proprieter in Blondie. At first I thought it was an open sore that he didn’t bother to put a bandage on, because it’d just fall off into something edible anyway, right? But then I noticed that it was heart-shaped and deduced that it was a tattoo – doubtlessly engraved with “Doris” or “Mother”, or perhaps “Ballantine”. But anybody who has seen a tattoo knows that they’re never that bright – the tone of the skin dulls the colours.

    So either this guy draws tattoos on himself with marker like a fourth grader, or he has a heart-shaped open sore, doubtlessly because his soul belongs to the devil.

    I’ll stop now.

  11. Jeff
    July 9th, 2008 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    “Is “Mom” implying that her meatloaf is essentially an enormous colon plug, and that Ziggy’s GI tract thus needs to be prepared if he wants to survive the experience of eating it?”

    Yes, yes it is.

  12. Revenge of Chesnut
    July 9th, 2008 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    Are Mary and Ron playing the “Read Each Other Increasingly Trite Yearbook Notes Over the Phone” Game? Tomorrow’s strip will involve a battle royale:
    Mary: “Have a great summer, Ron!”
    Ron: “Stay sweet, Mary!”
    M: “Math sure was fun this year, LOL!”
    R: “You’re the best, Mary! Call me sometime!” (does not leave number for her to call)

  13. Kevin
    July 9th, 2008 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    I was convinced that “mom” was on a tiny cellphone, that is being suffocated by her doughy body, and that she is indeed talking to her child. This belief was brought on by her neck and shoulder in a phone holding positon, and the fact that she seems to be completely ignoring Ziggy.

    Surely, in the last frame of MW, her non phone holding hand must be clenched in rage. I mean, she was just dumped, right?

  14. Jason
    July 9th, 2008 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

  15. trey le parc
    July 9th, 2008 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy: I’ve hated this doughy loser for decades…he just never fails to disappoint me with his mopey loserness or inappropriately sunny disposition. He reminds me of my last girlfriend.

  16. essteess
    July 9th, 2008 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    MW: So “break time” is over? Maybe? Unless Mary happens to find Doc Jeff cavorting around the house in Laura Petrie slacks and high heels: “Um, Mary! Hi! I was just, uh…experimenting!”

    Ferd’nand: I don’t think I’ve so much as glanced at this strip since, oh, the Ford Administration, but the “Godfather” reference in the last panel warrants some attention.

    Luann: Did TJ whip up a bunch of brownies with a certain “special ingredient” in it for the De Groot clan? Look at Luann’s mother and tell me that’s not the face of someone who is about to go fish out her Grateful Dead albums.

    FOOB: There’s a sensible solution staring everyone in the face. Cut. Back. Flowers? Go with paper recreations. Table decorations? Hell with ‘em. Just put a photo of the “happy” couple at each one; it’s simple, and it’ll cut down on the amount of food you’ll need to serve because upon seeing these photos guests’ appetites will mysteriously decline.

    Spider-man: Could we just change this strip to “The Vulture” and move on? He’s shown himself to be far more resourceful, motivated and determined than Spidey. Yeah, OK, he doesn’t have a hot wife, but maybe cute little Trixie down at the local Greasy Spoon will start hanging around him once he starts throwing his riches around.

    Monty: (Excuse me while I channel George C. Scott) “Pa love Fa! But Fa must go!”

  17. Red Greenback
    July 9th, 2008 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    Worth, Mary: Why does Mary have a framed photo of Snow Dung on her bedroom wall?

  18. Hysterical Woman
    July 9th, 2008 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    I remember castor oil. You can still buy it today.

  19. Shoshi
    July 9th, 2008 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    12 –

    Ron and Mary
    2 good
    2 be
    4 gotten

  20. Jeffsterr
    July 9th, 2008 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy is “an enormous colon plug.”

  21. Renee J
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    Maybe if Ziggy didn’t wear a bib, he wouldn’t be treated like a small child.

  22. februarymakeup
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    I totally misread “castor oil” as casserole, and thought that the horror was in trying to kill Ziggy, Seven-style. It gave me great hope that “mom” was going to travel to otehr strips and brutally and horrifyingly murder other characters, only with deadly sins that they had never once exhibited any interest in–Jeremy could be killed by wrath, Leroy Lockhorn by lust, and the entire cast of Gil Thorp by sloth.

  23. Dingo
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    Ah, sweet Mary, Mary Worth. Torn between two lovers and not feelin’ like a fool must be the greatest joy for a meddler. Now you can reembrace the cuckolded Dr. Cory in asexual friendship with nary a worry about picking up the tab at the Bum Boat or helping pay to gas up that skiff of his. And Ron? You put him on the path to electoral fame and certain tragedy when the press learns of his mother’s demise. Grab a spoonful of tuna casserole and a glass of blood red wine, my dear. You deserve it.

  24. onetet
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    Blondie, panel 2: that’s no way to hold a steaming “cuppa joe.” The squiggly line of heat rising from Dagwood’s cup clearly wafts with it the stink of charred flesh. Meanwhile, why are all of the brown stains on that apron located beneath the belt?

  25. Roger
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth is improved immeasurably by reading all the dialogue in the most sarcastic voice you can imagine.

  26. Muffaroo
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    Archie – “Uh, no, I’m not doing anything!” –with my right hand…

    Crock – So not only does the cook have a chicken that sits in the pot and talks to him, but other people there know his name. He’s not an eatin’ chicken. So what’s his real function? Why does he sit in the pot? Let’s see the menu: “Chickpea soup.” Say no more.

    DtM – Uncle Charlie has a three-a-day pig habit.

    DT – Shirl Locke to Lipp Reeder: “Hey, my tits are down here!”

    MF – Obvious payback for the uncharitable slant evil critics have put on the entirely innocent statements about Michelle Obama being Barack’s “Baby Momma” and calling their fist slam a “gang handshake.” Only stupid minority members could confuse such fair and balanced reporting as some sort of racism.

    PBS – “Thinning the herd…” I said that just last week. Obviously, I’m picking Pastis’s brain at long distance now.

  27. Sock Puppet
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    #5 – Today’s Rubes was the single most disgusting comic I’ve seen in the newspapers in a very long time. Yet it made me laugh out loud. Sure, I was cringing as well, but I’ve found I prefer cringing and laughing to merely cringing, such as often happens to me while reading Family Circus, Heathcliff, et al.

  28. denny
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    I’m beginning to think that Mary Worth is actually Marxist agitprop meant to reveal the disconnected emotional emptiness that necessarily comes from slavish devotion to bourgeois morality.

    Meanwhile, today’s Gil Thorpe (having shed it’s Brechtian distancing devices in favor a “tranche de vie” naturalism) captures all the energy and excitement of watching baseball on TV. No, I’m not being ironic.

    In other news, Mark Trail continues to deplete the world’s supply of exclamation points. A government spokesperson speaking of China’s state-run competitor to Mark Trail, Lao Shuang-quan and the ‘Keep China Green and Beautiful!’ Squad, has refused to accept even modest limits to its use of exclamation points unless the “decadent Western legacy strips who have rapaciously exploited the world’s punctuation for centuries” allow developing strips to fully exclamitize before discussing possible limits. Global Exclaiming is credited with a measured 13% increase in hyperbole in the last 100 years.

  29. Flipper
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    Spider-man: Peter has had the flu for 10 weeks. He should probably go see a doctor.

  30. Donald The Anarchist
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    MW Smile though your heart is aching. Smile, even though it’s breaking. When there are clouds, in the sky, you’ll get by If you smile.

    Ziggy The poor little guy looks like he’s being held hostage here. And the Stockholm syndrome hasn’t had a chance to kick in. I wouldn’t be too surprised if he got into being bathed and changed, however. He seems the type.

  31. Hogenmogen
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    #28 – Denny – 13%?? If you’re talking about hyperbole, wouldn’t it be more like a million?

  32. man behind the curtain
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    MW — Today’s Mary Worth would have benefited from some well-placed thought balloons on either end of the phone.

  33. PeteMoss
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    Blondie – It made me laugh. I am ashamed. I don’t believe in exploiting the homeless by makingthem into any type of dish – stews, cassaroles, smoothies, falafals – It’s all wrong. In fact, I’ll go further and state that I’m generally against canibalism – unless it’s completely necessary and done in a fair, humane, just manner.

  34. elyse
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Is perfect Liz turning into a Bridezilla? Once her education in bitchery is complete, she and Therese can finally exchange notes on how to dump flaccid crap-bag husbands. Hoorah!

  35. Vakar
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    DtM: Trichinosis, thy name is Uncle Charlie.

  36. Hogenmogen
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    I’m trying to think from Ron Amalfi’s point of view, talking to his buddies in the Council. “She worked at the hospital when my mother passed. We went to dinner. That was it. Then she wants dinner out every stinking night! I tried making excuses – but she still keeps calling! ‘Take me to a great seafood place, Ronnie!’ I HATE seafood. She won’t listen! I’ve got to cut this crazy chick loose. This old meddling biddy thinks she owns this town. Well she doesn’t own me!.”

  37. PeteMoss
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    …And another thing I respect about Ted Forth: The fact that he doesn’t care if anyone really knows what he does for a living. Hey, it’s just the way he kills time between the fun stuff. He doesn’t self-identify with his profession. It’s just the way to make money for more fun stuff. Zen Master, I say.

    That being said, those are very delicate hands, Mr. Forth.

  38. Muffaroo
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    Donald The Anarchist @30 – Charlie Chaplin, right?

    Rubes – Well, okay, it’s a little off-putting, but compared to his usual depiction of the human face, I find the sight of a chicken’s rectum and a “come and get it” sign darn near comforting.

  39. CanuckDownSouth
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    The only way I can make sense of Luann‘s recent story arc is that we are being treated to segments of a juniour high filmstrip “What Not to Do” in the Home Ec class’ unit on Finances and Survival After High School.

    So far they have:

    rented out a house without a fire extinguisher in the kitchen

    rented it, moreover, to someone without a credit check or, given he’s a friend of their son, a frank discussion of his income source and its reliability

    worried about their tenant asking them about their income Note to any functioning neurons in the DeGroot parents’ skulls: landlords and tenants are NOT peers on financial matters. The landlord has a right to information that the tenant has no business asking about!

    … but this of course pales next to inviting a single, unrelated, adult male to live under the same roof as their teenaged daughter. Does Luann get a lock on her bedroom door? Maybe this isn’t Stupid Financial Tricks but rather the What Not to Do part of How to Handle or Avoid Dangerous Dating Situations in Sex Ed.

  40. PeteMoss
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    #32 man behind the curtain
    One would be well-placed if it covered her face, right?

  41. denny
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    Well gell, Hogomogen, let’s make it an even billion percent and call it a day. Better yet, let’s make it a zillion to the zillionth power times infinity plus six.

    I believe I may have just transcended the concept of hyperbole.

  42. Hogenmogen
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    #29 – Flipper – If I recall my Spiderman lore correctly, the last time Parker went to the doc, he wound up on a window ledge wearing nothing but a hospital gown with some grinning maniac literally out for his blood waiting inside.

  43. Hogenmogen
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    #29 – Flipper – It was November of 2005 to be exact – http://joshreads.com/?p=448#comments

  44. PeteMoss
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    Spiderman – Of course, it’s the deadly Trap-Door Vulture at work here. I’ve seen it on Discovery or Nova or something. It lies in wait in it’s vulture hole, waiting for something to die near by. Then it springs out, surprising the carcass before it completly biodegrades, and devours it like Dagwood on hobo stew.

  45. Harry Worth
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    sigh

    If only Mary would give me doses of castor oil.

    It would be the start of a beautiful relationship.

    Especially after downing all that tuna casserole. It has to go somewhere.

  46. Hogenmogen
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    I’ve always assumed the DeGroots were general white collar drones eternally working on the MacGruder Contract, the Simmons Papers or the elusive Dennison Account. But their reluctance to let TJ know the actual source of thier income makes me think that they’re Weeds parents, cultivating a forest of spleef in their basement.

  47. PeteMoss
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy – Josh is right. “Mom” shouldn’t be just handing out folk remedies that don’t meet FDA approval to total strangers. Instead she should be prescribe a wider course of antibiotics. And hand out puppys.

  48. PeteMoss
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    puppys?

  49. Bunnë, Official Comic Execrator
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    Speaking of “sticking to” and also “unspeakable filth”, check out the last panel of today’s Pibgorn. It’s somewhere between “augh, my eyes!” and “I want that on a t-shirt”.

  50. CanuckDownSouth
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    I see you missed the “illness of the (lack of) puppy” story arc in Mark Trail. You lucky, lucky bastard.

  51. JP (not Judge Parker)
    July 9th, 2008 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    3: Maybe Mary is branching out socially in an attempt to lure more people over to her apartment as food for her strange and unusual plant. Seriously, when was the last time anyone saw her Charterstone posse? That thing is going to start singing “Feed me!” as soon as she hangs up the phone.

  52. denny
    July 9th, 2008 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Overcome by the soul-crushing, patriarchal social pressures bearing down upon them, the Patterson women turn to incestuous lesbianism for comfort. John stands closely by, his hands furtively digging into his pockets to hide his erection – or to exorcise it?

  53. Sorako-chan
    July 9th, 2008 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    Dagwood is obviously stupid, and therefore has no idea that he has inadvertently ordered cannabis. The cook knows Dagwood is clueless, but doesn’t want to expose his front to this goody-goody, and thus is apologizing for his favorite customer’s inevitable slide into the drug-addled slums.

  54. UncleJeff
    July 9th, 2008 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    Blondie: I thought it was very funny. It reminded me of the movie theater that was having trouble getting business so the owner put on the marquee a line from the local newspaper’s review of their current attraction: “Worst Movie EVER!” and they had a full house that night.

  55. Justafoob
    July 9th, 2008 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    You know, if the Pattersons had just stayed with the castor oil treatment, things would be so much better.

    Why even Gwampah would be perfectly healthy and able to have all the prime rib he wanted.

    Why did Elly just stick with the enema treatments with John and Michael and Liz?

    At least her brother has the hose-phonium still going.

  56. Tom
    July 9th, 2008 at 4:35 pm [Reply]

    Today in Dennis the Menace, Dennis learns about death, and how it is sometimes necessary to kill in order to eat. Sadly, he has now befriended the pigs and will be seeing their staring eyes in his imagination as he munches on their mortal remains. Meanwhile, over in Pearls Before Swine, a conveniently available fresh corpse provides another window into the beauty of the Circle of Life as, in the next panel, the crocs and lions begin to gather. Zebra is just glad it’s not him, although Goat finds himself wondering who will draw tomorrow’s strip. In Blondie, Dagwood does his part by chowing down on an indigent found lying in the trash barrels behind his favorite diner, reminding us all how important it is not to be wasteful. And finally, Ziggy references pop culture AND the cannabalistic cycle by swallowing a dose necessary to lube his system for the coming influx of “Meatloaf again.” (That’s a Rocky Horror reference, by the way.)

  57. Tom
    July 9th, 2008 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    Whoops! I somehow missed Herman, wherein Mrs. Herman is caught in the act of preparing Herman Stew. Damn, I love the look in her eyes….

  58. Spunde
    July 9th, 2008 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    You can, if you like, buy yourself a can of Hobo Soup. Note the disclaimer, however: “Despite the name, it does NOT contain any actual hobo.”

  59. denny
    July 9th, 2008 at 4:41 pm [Reply]

    Meanwhile, imperialist stooge Tarzan – feudal overlord of the eponymous Tarzanland, Africa – has agreed to let the US gov’t build a landing strip on a 10,000-foot volcano. The airstrip will be used as a staging ground in their hypocritical war against a league of evil scientists making WMD’s (for someone besides the US) …

    But wait! Landing strip? Volcano? Is it possible that Tarzan is actually a clandestine member of the vanguard party about to lead the imperialists into a classic blunder of imperial overreach? Only time – and the proper application of dialectical materialism – will tell.

  60. monsieurjohn
    July 9th, 2008 at 4:41 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Oh no! I’m being forced to make a decision!

    CITY COUNCIL EX MACHINA

    Mary Worth: Nevermind!

  61. Donald The Anarchist
    July 9th, 2008 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    #38 Muffaroo According to the brief Google search I did, it was Judy Garland, but I’m sure she never wrote her own songs, so there’s probably a gazillion different versions floating in the ether.

  62. Red Greenback
    July 9th, 2008 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    Good wing sauce! Dagwood Diner Dude made hash out of Hobo, the loveable English sheepdog from “Please Don’t Eat The Daisies”?!. Triple D is a heartless bastard!!!

  63. queek
    July 9th, 2008 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    56: “That’s a very tender subject. Another slice, anyone?”

  64. Braniff
    July 9th, 2008 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy–What the lady behind the counter meant to say was “meatloaf, after your Cholesterol!” The lady is obviously intent on committing manslaughter, if that is possible with a loser such as Ziggy.

  65. Sequitur
    July 9th, 2008 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    Ya know, maybe Mom is about to serve this guy:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meat_Loaf

    I haven’t seen him around lately.

  66. Brick Bradford
    July 9th, 2008 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

    MW The blissed out grin on Mary’s face suggests that councilman Ron wisely called after she’d had her afternoon “sherry break” (which normally starts just before lunch and runs until she passes out in her own vomit).

  67. Brick Bradford
    July 9th, 2008 at 5:03 pm [Reply]

    #65 The only possible response is, “Oh shit, Meat Loaf again?!”

  68. Violet
    July 9th, 2008 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    Ron Amalfi: Gee, Mary, I really appreciate your letting me use you briefly then summarily dismiss you as soon as I found something–ANYTHING–else to occupy my time. I hope it didn’t destroy any serious long-term relationships you may have been having.

    Mary Worth: No problem, Ron. It’ll take a lot more than chasing other men and utterly blowing him off to get rid of ol’ Dr. Foot-wipe McNoSpine. But since this apparently isn’t leading to sex as I’d hoped, I guess I’ll grudgingly allow Jeff to grovel his way back into…wait a sec. What’s you brother up to these days?

  69. buschap
    July 9th, 2008 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

    I actually chuckled at today’s Blondie. It reminded me of a billboard I passed in New York for “America’s Worst Apple Pie”. I’ve been regretting for years that I didn’t take the time to stop.

  70. ar_d
    July 9th, 2008 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    “Take care of yourself”…

    But Mary’s already let herself go at the breakup of her non-relationship. She’s clearly gained 30 pounds somewhere between panel 1 and panel 2.

  71. dimestore lipstick
    July 9th, 2008 at 5:20 pm [Reply]

    38 & 61– According to my sheet music, it’s “lyrics by John Turner and Geoffrey Parsons, music by Charlie Chaplin”.

  72. Galuaboy
    July 9th, 2008 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    Blondie reminds me of the time I went to a well-known fried chicken place and ordered coleslaw as a side dish. The guy behind the counter looked at the expiration date on the individual container it was in (the expiration date was the day before) and said, “This may be bad. I’ll give you two to make up for it.” The sad part is, I took him up on his offer. And I knew . . . somewhere Dagwood was smiling.

  73. Mel
    July 9th, 2008 at 5:48 pm [Reply]

    True Fable (last thread): Count me in for the wedding! I’ll be heading from the East Coast to the Midwest around that time so I will make a right turn in the rentacar at your signal and head for the border.

    I will be the one with flask tucked demurely into my cleavage trying to get the band to play a request:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wABr7nFLcmc&feature=related

    Who’s up for a tailgate party in the church parking lot? We can have the First Annual ‘Mudge Fashion Show and Jello (TM) Shot Trot.

  74. Thursday Next
    July 9th, 2008 at 6:29 pm [Reply]

    61-not sure where the Garland reference came from, but #38, yes that song was written by Charlie Chaplin, and sung by like a zillion people. Though I sort of like Robert Downey Jr’s version, as it seems fitting, since he played Chaplin brilliantly (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDR5z3ebcC8.

  75. PeteMoss
    July 9th, 2008 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

    There’s just not enough tequila to get me to set foot anywhere near Foobland, Maloderous, Ontario, and that gawd awful wedding. All the damn eye blinkin’ and butter tart scarfing and unnecessary exposition-ing and speech-balloon filling. All the damn self-congratulatory boxcar and reflection and constant amazement at the fact that life keeps frickin’ goin’ on and on and on and people grow up and crap and “too bad Farley couldn’t be here to see this” or “gee, it’s so amazing that he raised his child instead of selling her and isn’t it great he has a job at the gas station/used car lot/doughnut shop” and “what will your wedding be like, April?” and “Hooo” and “you must be so proud,” and pun after pun after pun after lame-ass pun and then more stupid reflection and angst and blinking eyes and AAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

    That being said, it might be tolerable if Shannon jumps on a table and makes a speech. Or maybe if it were Dingo. Or Poteet. Any topic. How about “The importance of a good breakfast.”

    Maybe if I start drinking now, four to five shots an hour, maybe 32 – 40 shots a day for the next four weeks than maybe, if I’m still alive…

  76. evil_bacteria
    July 9th, 2008 at 6:41 pm [Reply]

    When I read Baby Blues this morning, I thought, “Huh, this reads just like a Calvin & Hobbes strip. Funny how that happens.” Then I noticed Hammie was wearing a red and black striped shirt and black pants. Kudos, makers of Baby Blues, for such a subtle, yet remarkably well-done, homage to my favorite comic strip.

  77. Jamus The Bartender
    July 9th, 2008 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: My sister once said about weddings…” If you’re a man, wedding plans just kind of make themselves.”
    I don’t have anything to add to that.

  78. Shermy Glamrocker
    July 9th, 2008 at 7:03 pm [Reply]

    From the “Big Book of Things That Sound Dirty But Aren’t”

    Chapter 12, Verse 34:
    “I’ll bring the meatloaf after your castor oil.”

  79. AeroSquid
    July 9th, 2008 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    Pibgorn: I’ve just figured out what I’m going to wear this Halloween.

    Jane’s World: I downloaded a video that started like this.

    BB: Dear General Halftrack, Congrats on your retirement ! Here’s some Champale in lieu of benefits accrued for your long years of service. Sincerely, SECDEF Gates.
    PS: We blamed the whole missing nuke thing on you. =)

    Blondie: Would Dag still try it if an eye appeared in the bowl ala Dr. Zhivago ?

    Curtis: “Please stand up, Mr Wilkens and face the class! NOW ! Got a problem ?”

    My Cage: This strip is like Pluggers….only Yiffier.

    MW: Ron’s brake lines are SO gonna get cut.

  80. AeroSquid
    July 9th, 2008 at 7:29 pm [Reply]

  81. bats :[
    July 9th, 2008 at 7:29 pm [Reply]

    75. PeteMoss: even if you don’t survive on your shot-therapy, you can still go to the wedding; the alcohol should’ve preserved you beautifully (we can use you as our table’s centerpiece, so April doesn’t have to freak out making yet another piece of trashy frou-frou (not that I’m calling *you* trashy frou-frou)), and you’ll probably smell a lot better than the “poutine surprise” (Surprise! You paid for it, and it’s inedible!*) that the caterers have simmering above their little Sterno burners…

    *alternately, “We’re proud to put the ‘poo’ in poutine!”

  82. Sunny Paris
    July 9th, 2008 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

    Ron and Mary go out to dinner. As far as we can tell, there is no romantic interlude of any type. Mary is technically still with her long-term paramour at the time. And she has to go through the trouble of breaking up with Ron? Were they together?

    Oh, shit. I’m an adulterer.

  83. AeroSquid
    July 9th, 2008 at 7:35 pm [Reply]

    FC: Holy crap ! That’s Stewie !

  84. Batman Beatles
    July 9th, 2008 at 7:35 pm [Reply]

    MW: “Ron, your brother doesn’t happen to like fish does he?”

  85. PeteMoss
    July 9th, 2008 at 7:41 pm [Reply]

    81. bats :[, please pour a little of the fabulous wedding punch in the pan to keep me fresh for the whole evening.

    The punch is probably Fresca, pineapple juice, sweet tarts and bile.)

  86. Islamorada Girl
    July 9th, 2008 at 7:44 pm [Reply]

    I can’t wait to see Mary throw herself on that pink chenile bedspread with matching throw pillow, bawling like a fifteen-year-old teenager.

    Meanwhile, on the way to O Canada, I intend to fortify myself with as many Jell-O shooters as it takes to ruin this alleged wedding when I place my iridescent mango butt-bowed butt solidly into the multi-tiered wedding cake, screaming “I have no HOOOOOOME!”

  87. AeroSquid
    July 9th, 2008 at 7:51 pm [Reply]

  88. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    July 9th, 2008 at 7:52 pm [Reply]

    True Fable @ 299 yesterthread wrote:

    Will all those planning to attend the Foobacalypse Wedding, Reception and Treacle Lake Regatta, please sign up? Since Liz Dumbass didn’t make out her own invitations, I managed to wrangle a deal with April The Put Upon! We’re ALL INVITED! Bwahahaha!!!

    I’ll be there with my bow tie on, poised to hurl myself *KLUDD* into the skull of whoever I hear delivering the first tongue-rattling stupid pun. However, I absorb the abilities of anyone whose skull I collide with, so I will ensconce myself in Saran Wrap in order to keep from absorbing Foob Powers from anyone. I would hate to have to whack Anthony and suddenly become funny, kind, hardworking and loving only in the Patterson’s opinions.

  89. commodorejohn
    July 9th, 2008 at 7:54 pm [Reply]

    True Fable et al: I shall be there, in my best hobo jeans and three-day stubble. I’ll bring the sense of humility curiously absent from just about anybody in Milborough, as well as some assorted Humility Enforcement Devices (rotten eggs, whoopie cushion for the Golden Vagina’s seat at the reception, etc.)

  90. AeroSquid
    July 9th, 2008 at 7:55 pm [Reply]

    I’m wearing the giant fly from Pibgorn to the Foobtacular wedding event !

  91. Violet
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:00 pm [Reply]

    I assume today’s Pluggers is simply trying to say that a Plugger’s cubicle is his truck, but surely this could have been conveyed without the unambiguously bleak, well, not so much subtext as text, that Pluggers are desperately lonely because no one wants to be around them, ever, but particularly not when food is involved.

  92. Mel
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:03 pm [Reply]

    RE: FOOBuptials

    It seems only right that we bring a present — his and her spines? A gift certificate to Vasectomies-R-Us?

    Warren doing a pre-ceremony flyover dropping leaflets “Run, You Ninnies, Run!”

  93. Jeanne
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:05 pm [Reply]

    Foob: What the hell kind of ‘major event’ includes having your 16 year old sister making all the table decorations? I’m sure that is going to be just lovely. Your sister in law is remodeling your dress, self same sis is ordering the flowers and doing table decorations.The ‘event’ is being catered.
    What IS Liz doing besides being a giant pain in the ass?

  94. John Hewitt
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:11 pm [Reply]

    Is Mom wearing the One Ring? It sure would explain her misshapen head and apparent desire to harm Ziggy. But then again, you don’t need to be evil to want to torture Ziggy.

  95. Mibbitmaker
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

    I’ve only read today’s strip comments from this thread, so forgive any reruns….

    Curtis: Curtis made a wrong turn in the hallway — this is really sex ed class.

    Nancy: Looks like she copied Sen. John Edwards’ hairstyle.

    H&L: Does the sun get residuals every time they use “his” picture, Trixie asks. I dunno — does Al Roker?

    FC: Yeah, but what’ll he do if it starts raining out?

    S-M: The cops never suspected The Vulture of doing that. They thought it’d be “The Groundhog”.

    A3G: I still say A. P. Ryder had his hand in it.

    S4th: Where everybody knows you’re pregnant…

    FW: Welcome to “Wacky Incompetent Coach Hijinx”

  96. AeroSquid
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    Foob: Okay. We all remember the Blondie Golden Jubilee thing when all the ‘Accepted’ characters from other strips showed up. Foob Town needs the ‘Newer’ personas for this bash:

    Lio+His Pet Squid= Hilarious Tentacle Upskirt Action. (And mebbe zombies)

    Curtis and his Summer School ‘Pants Problem’.

    Jane’s World Girls getting drunk on CokeTinis and hitting on April and her friends.

    Cow & Boy vs Calvin & Hobbs in drunken brawl over the Butter Tarts.

    Spot the Frog….in the punch bowl.

    Anyone else ?

  97. Violet
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    And why is Rhino-Man always trotted out for the most depressing scenarios? You hang in there, Rhino Man. You’re worth a dozen of those scary-bosomed chicken ladies or upsettingly ambiguous kangaroo-dog things.

  98. Old School Allie Cat
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:17 pm [Reply]

    #74 – Thursday Next – Agree with you on Downey as Chaplin. I’m a Chaplin fanatic from way back, and thought the movie was damn good – Downey was a standout, but they cast the whole thing well.

  99. theMarc
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:22 pm [Reply]

    I take back everything bad I ever said about the Vulture. The second panel of Today’s Spider-Man is made of so much win.

  100. Lisa
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    I tried to post something a couple of hours ago and it didn’t come out. I got a white screen, with Done down on the task bar and I guess it just went into cyberspace…. damn… :o(

    It was about Pete Moss’s “Puppys?” post that was answered by someone saying s/he was glad Pete had missed the MT sequence about the puppy and I said that Pete was obviously questioning his own misspelling of “puppies”.

    Now to see if this one goes through…. :o\

  101. Lisa
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    looks good.

  102. AeroSquid
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:26 pm [Reply]

    Spidey: Payroll ? I thought most people had Direct Deposit these days to prevent exactly what the Vulture is doing…..like grabbing burlap ‘$’ marked bags of loose cash .

  103. Tom
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

    Speaking of Curtis, are there still papers that are recoloring his teacher every day so there’s no interracial lusting? Or have they bowed to the inevitable hotness of the Aryan ideal?

  104. Batman Beatles
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    Aerosquid says – Foob: Okay. We all remember the Blondie Golden Jubilee thing when all the ‘Accepted’ characters from other strips showed up. Foob Town needs the ‘Newer’ personas for this bash:

    Garfield competes with Elly on who can make the loudest “Glurp! Chomp! Smack! Slurp!”

  105. AeroSquid
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:39 pm [Reply]

    103. Tom. She’s a hot Uzbek girl in MY paper. But across the river she is a Thai Lady Boy with bigger ‘Pant Problem’ than Curtis.

  106. bats :[
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:50 pm [Reply]

  107. AeroSquid
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:53 pm [Reply]

    106. bats :[ Let’s place him all over the world ! Jeffy performance art !

  108. AeroSquid
    July 9th, 2008 at 9:03 pm [Reply]

  109. Blynneda
    July 9th, 2008 at 9:23 pm [Reply]

    Wait a sec. So is this it for the Mary Worth storyline? After weeks of absurdly improbable newspaper articles, emergency town council meetings, apologetic answering machine messages, mournful thought-balloning in empty apartments, and finally, elaborate plans not to go to a seafood restaurant, all we’re left with is “Take care of yourself?” Talk about phoning it in. At least Ron’s mother bit it before she had to sit through a month of Mary Worth’s life.

  110. Worthinator
    July 9th, 2008 at 9:24 pm [Reply]

    Watch it Dr. Jeff: Mary is out there. She can’t be bargained with, she can’t be reasoned with, she doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And she absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

  111. Dingo
    July 9th, 2008 at 9:28 pm [Reply]

    Contemplating the FOOBerian wedding makes me remember when Robert Stack guest-starred on one of Lucille Ball’s shows in a parody of The Untouchables. Lucy said that she was going to be married.

    Stack: When are the nuptials?

    Ball: Oh, not until after the wedding!

    We could work that into the Lizanthony scenario but that would assume there were going to be connubial moments after their vows.

    The marriage of Elizabeth Patterson and Anthony Caine will go down in history as one of the world’s great love stories similar to Liza Minnelli and Peter Gest, Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson, or Richard Gere and Lucky Pierre the Gerbil. Someone always ends up in the basement cage crying and someone has to clean up the shit.

  112. Crankenstank
    July 9th, 2008 at 9:52 pm [Reply]

    The only other time I’ve seen castor oil was in a Little Rascals short. This suggests Ziggy is set in the early depression-era 1930s, which finally explains his lack of pants.

  113. PeteMoss
    July 9th, 2008 at 10:10 pm [Reply]

    Bringing the meatloaf! Yeah, you know what my new catch phrase is gonna be.

    #100 Lisa, yes, you were right. I was merely amazed at my own spelling ineptitude (or whatever.) Everyone knows the plural of puppy is pupae.

    Puppys refers to the contents of certain sweaters worn by certain characters in Judge Parker, I believe. Or maybe it’s poppys. Definitely not poopys.

  114. Perky Bird
    July 9th, 2008 at 10:20 pm [Reply]

    I think Gen. Halftrack is going to take a lesson from Zap Brannigan and invite Miss Buxley back to his “love-nasium” to enjoy some of that “sham-pagin” and admire his bedspread of real velour. How erotic! (erotic! erotic! erotic!)

  115. Helena Handbasket
    July 9th, 2008 at 10:23 pm [Reply]

    I’m calling on the combined power of the ‘mudges to help me win a YouTube contest.

    I entered the Sweet Adelines a capella contest, and I need to generate many, many views of my video by the end of the month.

    Here’s my video.

    I’m asking the ‘mudgeon army (or Jungle Patrol, if you like) to watch my video multiple times, pass it on to friends, write little bot scripts to view it continually, start chain letters claiming that people will get hit by a bus if they don’t watch the
    video at least once an hour, etc.

  116. Muffaroo
    July 9th, 2008 at 10:34 pm [Reply]

    Nuptials. Huh. My wife’s sister had an insane debt-generating orgy of ceremony, costume, speechifying, food, music, and spectacle. Okay, the food was all right, but the music was so loud, I went out into the New Jersey night to see if I could find any ear plugs — her band was competing with a band in the next hall over. And today, she’s a single mom.

    My wife and I got married after traffic court by a judge who I chose because he was in the Lions with my dad, and I’d once kind of dated his daughter. We had a half dozen guests, one of whom took us all out for a meal afterwards. I wore a white shirt, black tie, crisp overalls and my best two-tone shoes. That was in 1980, and darn if we’re not still married.

    FOOB, of course, is in some aspects a comedy, and in comedy you always go for the elaborate wedding. I guess it should be amusing, but it’s more sorta boring.

  117. Muffaroo
    July 9th, 2008 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    Helena, I went to YouTube and commented on your video, mentioning that MEET ME IN SAINT LOUIS, with Judy Garland, is available as a radio show (Lux Radio Theater) over at archive dot org, along with THE WIZARD OF OZ, A STAR IS BORN, and STRIKE UP THE BAND.

  118. Jeanne
    July 9th, 2008 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    It is not an elaborate wedding when you’re making your own centerpieces, and altering your own dress. It’s a home made wedding, like mine was in1974. Nothing wrong with it, but I wish Lynn would quit acting like it’s going to rival Princess Diana’s shindig.

  119. commodorejohn
    July 9th, 2008 at 10:48 pm [Reply]

    #118 Jeanne – “Rival?” This is FOOB, kid. Diana is going to rise from the dead specifically for the purpose of saying how much she wishes hers could’ve been as [marvelous|breathtaking|awe-inspiring|wondeful] as that of the Golden Vagina.

  120. sallymonella
    July 9th, 2008 at 10:51 pm [Reply]

    I love that the Google ads for this post (at least as I’m seeing them) include one for Cat Laxatives. Because I know I want nothing like I want more shit to scoop out of the litter box.

    I’ve actually taken Castor Oil. My son decided he was never leaving the womb, so my midwife suggested 2 tablespoons of Castor Oil in my morning OJ. The theory being, I suppose, that you’ll just shit the kid right out with everything else.

    It didn’t work, by the way. I mean, it didn’t help me get the baby out. But as laxative, Castor Oil is fucking amazing. I didn’t leave the bathroom for 12 hours.

  121. Helena Handbasket
    July 9th, 2008 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    #17 Muffaroo: Yeah, I chose that song because the small Basket loves it, but then she refused to sing along. I think we’ve watched that clip from the movie hundreds of times. I will have to check out the radio show!

  122. Jeanne
    July 9th, 2008 at 11:03 pm [Reply]

    Commodore John, you are entirely correct. How could I be so foolish. Not only will Diana be there in spirit, she’ll be wondering why one of her princely sons could not have caught a bounty such as Liz.She’s even named after their grandmama

  123. NoahSnark
    July 9th, 2008 at 11:06 pm [Reply]

    With this comic Ziggy moves one step closer to his dream of becoming a German fetish porn star.

  124. Mr. Wuxtry
    July 9th, 2008 at 11:29 pm [Reply]

    #120 Sallymonella: Yep, pretty sure we’re indebted to all the “castor oil” and “laxative” references for that interesting “Cat Constipation Help” ad from Google. Guess they couldn’t find any advertisers interested in reaching the cannibalism market, as suggested by Dagwood’s order for “Hobo Hash.”

  125. Shoebox
    July 9th, 2008 at 11:42 pm [Reply]

    #75 – Yeah, I’m kinda with Pete here on the wedding-attendance thing, guys.

    I do however have a little white lace hankie I can wave in tremulous awe as you all march off…some little old lady in an apron floated by the other day and dropped it off. No idea what that’s all about.

  126. Poteet
    July 9th, 2008 at 11:51 pm [Reply]

    # 75 PeteMoss — I’m very flattered, but be careful what you wish for. As ChattyGenes could testify, I’m very good at running off my mouth — the problem is getting it to close again:-).

    And I do sympathize with your desire to stay far away from The Horror That Is Foob, Wedding Division. It could be argued that your tentative plan to avoid the debacle is the only sane strategy. But I’m going, partly because I’m determined to wear that puffy pink ugly dress. I’m going to take a lot of single-malt and hope for the best. If you survive the drinking and decide you can stand to come, I’d be happy to share.

  127. Tom Bombadil
    July 10th, 2008 at 12:01 am [Reply]

    Say what you will about the Vulture, but he sure put that time in the prison exercise yard to good use. Quickly popping open a manhole cover with one hand? Color me impressed – those things are HEAVY.

  128. Miss Hap
    July 10th, 2008 at 12:04 am [Reply]

    Spider-man – Do you get to keep calling yourself “The Vulture” if you’ve pretty much abandoned your theme of flying robberies? Isn’t he now just “guy who robs people while wearing feathers, and still manages to be more interesting than Spidey”?

  129. Trotzenbonnie
    July 10th, 2008 at 12:05 am [Reply]

    Do you mean to tell me that the Fletcher’s Castoria crap that my mother spooned out was a LAXATIVE?

    As we had six kids and only one bathroom I’m beginning to see my mother in a whole new light.

  130. True Fable
    July 10th, 2008 at 12:06 am [Reply]

    #126 Poteet, my Queen! and # 75 PeteMoss – there will be Radish Guns, my friends; Radish Guns! Like potato guns only slightly more portable and much better accuracy at medium range. And Magmacannons, and Aquanetter 55′s – oh, this is going to be one HELL of a wedding reception!

    Even if you don’t think you could bear to attend the actual glurge-fest/ firestorm, could you maybe consider pointing the ninja goats toward Elly’s garden? They could mow that shit down in no time, and add to the festivities!

  131. Dingo
    July 10th, 2008 at 12:07 am [Reply]

    Poteet, I think that you should attempt to become a FOOB bridesmaid. I imagine you in a frilly purple dress with frilly purple shoes and a matching frilly purple parasol. At the moment Liz is supposed to say “I do.” you take that frilly purple parasol and start swinging. Knock the Golden Vagina of Ontario unconscious and then begin aiming at Anthony like you’re A-Rod with a bat or Madonna with a strap-on. As he flails his hands in the air and screams in girlish terror, cackle a few times and then ram that parasol between his tight cinnabuns. Grab Elizabeth and make your way toward the doors. As the cauliflower-nosed brigade makes its way toward you, bolt the door with a cross. Run for the nearest bus and get on. Sit in the back and watch as the ghosts of Grandma Fatass, Farley, and Princess Diana smile in your direction. Let the music play…

  132. PeteMoss
    July 10th, 2008 at 12:13 am [Reply]

    #126. Poteet, I really, really don’t condon the use of non-prescribed, controlled medications or mind-altering substances, but this may be a situation where mere alcohol may not be enough. I’ve never dropped acid before, but I imagine that the hosephoneum solos are lot more meaningful while under the influence.

    If I go, I’m wearing something that I don’t mind getting stained. Maybe what Jeffy was wearing.

  133. NotThatGuy
    July 10th, 2008 at 12:15 am [Reply]

    A3G: Whoa, did I miss something? How did Baldy McBaldhead end up at the gallery, or did Haley and Alan just drug Tommie and shave her?

  134. bats :[
    July 10th, 2008 at 12:34 am [Reply]

    Thursday observations:

    MW: omg…Mary is dipping into the Drew Cory (Man-whore!) collection of t-shirts…
    And you just know that that shrimp scampi craving is NOT going to be satisfied by a Lean Queasine entree fresh out of the freezer…

    S4th: true love: lying whenever necessary…

    FOOB: and a golden opportunity for the Golden Vagoo to really step up and realize what a big mistake she’s making for settling…
    …ah, screw it. Get married. Get bored. Die.
    (Oh, and the yellow pants suck, Liz.)

    FC: Granma should be happy that Jeffy’s still around to interrogate:
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/2654184031/sizes/o/

  135. Mibbitmaker
    July 10th, 2008 at 12:38 am [Reply]

    Early 7/10:

    FW: This is the strip half-way between the old, funny FW and the hellish, tragic FW. Probably as funny (relatively speaking) as Batiuk gets anymore.

    FOOB: Damn, someone should’ve told her that YEARS ago! She could’ve saved her now-doomed life. However, judging from the last panel, she’s far too gone on the Blandie Kool-Aid now. Pity. She’s become Dr. Jeff to Blanthony/Ellie’s Mary Worth(s).

  136. True Fable
    July 10th, 2008 at 12:39 am [Reply]

    FBoFW Faithful and Loving and Strong?! Elly, she’s getting married to Anthony Caine! He has no concept of any of those ideals.

  137. Gabacho
    July 10th, 2008 at 12:44 am [Reply]

    #77 Jamus the Bartender -

    FOOB: My sister once said about weddings…” If you’re a man, wedding plans just kind of make themselves.”

    Your sister is wrong. Garbanzo and I have decided to marry in California even though here in our home state we will remain statutory bachelors lest we threaten to destabilize the marriage of weak religious zealots with our unfabulously gay lives and I have to do all the planning.

    Actually, I did it in three hours this morning. I made plane and hotel reservations, set up the appointment for the license and the city clerk, notified my best friend and made a reservation for 20 at our favorite restaurant.

    Then I went to the beach for the rest of the day so don’t tell me I didn’t work

  138. Dingo
    July 10th, 2008 at 12:49 am [Reply]

    Gabacho, mazel tov!

    What color parasols will you carry?

  139. Gabacho
    July 10th, 2008 at 12:54 am [Reply]

    Dear Sally Forth – It’s too late. You already told the world about your kinderlust. You not only discussed it with your office wife, who has no life of her own and so told everyone else, you talked to your freakin’ 11 year old daughter about it. How much time in therapy is she going to need about that?

    And for Christ’s sake, I hope you’re kidding about telling people about Ted, the virile machine. Your poor kid has enough to worry about. Don’t tell her.

    And no one else would believe you.

    You’re welcome,

    Gabacho

    Mary Worth – Capital notion, Mary.

    Whenever I was unceremoniously dumped back in my tricking dating days, my thoughts always turned to scampi.

    Then my thoughts would turn to a bottle of Jameson’s.

    Then they turned to revenge.

    But the scampi was always a good idea.

  140. Gabacho
    July 10th, 2008 at 12:58 am [Reply]

    #138 Dingo – No decision on the parasols yet. I am wearing a really spiffy seersucker suit (blue). What do you think will go with it? Oh, I know, a really handsome Mexican guy And I got one.

    But I have to put you on HOCA Probation. (HOCA – Homosexuals of a Certain Age) You wrote earlier Liza Minnelli and Peter Gest I am afraid that is incorrect. It was David Gest.

    Two more slipups and you will have to turn in your card and start voting values.

  141. Uncle Lumpy
    July 10th, 2008 at 12:59 am [Reply]

    Liz would do well to heed Wednesday’s Jumble: “Fatal? Jaded? Nicely cavort!” — arrange an “accident” for Granthony, grow wise in the ways of the world, and have some fun! A reliable cure for “cold feet”!

    There is so much the Jumble can teach us all.

  142. loki_skywalker
    July 10th, 2008 at 1:00 am [Reply]

    JP: Bye, Your Honor! See you in 2010! Or one week from now, if we go by your perception of time!

    MT: Avoid problems? Friend, avoiding problems went straight off the table the moment you took Kelly Welly’s money.

    MW: He’s not gonna keep in touch! Just hang the HELL up and put this storyline to bed already!

    TP: Ten bucks says his enemies are seagulls.

  143. Dingo
    July 10th, 2008 at 1:02 am [Reply]

    Thank you, Gabacho, for the correction. I have felt – since reaching that certain age that my gay card has been placed in a drawer and I don’t remember which. I almost wrote Pete Best but that was Paul McCartney’s husband. Plus, I believe David’s drag name is Shirley U. Gest.

    I’ve got a really handsome Mexican guy, too. Ain’t that a kick in the head? Almost makes you wonder how many other ‘mudgeons have a cute Mexican in a basement cage.

  144. Uncle Lumpy
    July 10th, 2008 at 1:03 am [Reply]

    PBS: R.I.P Rat.

  145. Pepperoni Détournées
    July 10th, 2008 at 1:08 am [Reply]

    7/10: Mary’s shirt = whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?

  146. Helena Handbasket
    July 10th, 2008 at 1:09 am [Reply]

    I’m pretty sure that this is the most boring Mary Worth strip ever, and it takes something to top the Charterstone Pool Party.

    Tune in tomorrow as Mary decides on side dishes and defrosts a Sara Lee cake for two!

  147. Helena Handbasket
    July 10th, 2008 at 1:11 am [Reply]

    #145: I’m pretty sure this is some kind of misguided attempt to show Mary as being vaguely hip, with her cap-sleeve girl-cut t shirt with the retro 80′s silkscreen image.

  148. Helena Handbasket
    July 10th, 2008 at 1:12 am [Reply]

    Yeah, I pretty sure I over-use the term, “pretty sure”, too. :)

  149. Dingo
    July 10th, 2008 at 1:13 am [Reply]

    Wine? Wine on the table, Elizabeth? You’re gonna need jugs of wine for that boxcar of a night to go smoothly. You’re gonna need Mary Worth vagina-sized containers of hootch. Oh, and nuts might be nice since you won’t be seeing any after you’re married.

  150. Deena in OR
    July 10th, 2008 at 1:29 am [Reply]

    ::teasing Dingo::

    Yeah, Dingo, jeez! I’m a proud wearer of the flannel shirt and Birkenstocks, and I even knew it was David, not Peter (grins…)

  151. True Fable
    July 10th, 2008 at 1:29 am [Reply]

    Agnes I laughed at Agnes today. I am scared; somebody hold me.
    A3G Ray?!? Who the hell is Ray? You mean Moby, sitting there passed out?
    BB I like Beetle today too. I’m starting to panic a little here.
    BF Do people really stroke out like this over old stolen flames from high school? Sheesh, is the whole fucking comic world turning Foobish?
    Curtis Another day of ‘Tooned Straight’!
    (WT)DT The excitement will be in wondering how many smokestacks Dick will need to get rid of the vicious hounds.
    FC Grill ‘em, Gramma! You know he’s been up to no good. He’s Jeffy, after all.
    FBoFW If Lynn will end this comic strip with Liz breaking the engagement and enjoying a single life, I will…will…I will agree to kiss Lynn’s pasty white cheekbones and take back some of the awful things I’ve said about the strip. SOME of them, certainly not all.
    But I think I’m pretty safe in not having to go through that.
    JP Sam, he didn’t write the book about you. It’s called “The Chambers Affair”, not “The Chambers Cold Shower and Affable Pat on the Shoulder Minute or Two”.
    Jumble The convict enjoyed sitting in the sun, because he had a Great big black iron spike stuck in his eye.
    Luann Since when did Tiffany ever think TJ was hot? I smell RETCON!
    MT So, Kelly Welly knows NOTHING about nature, but she’s going to do a film about it? Or was is, “Kelly Goes Au Naturale”?
    MW Why don’t you think of what you did to Aldo, you heartless BITCH!!
    S4th And by “virile machine” I assume you mean you are a “restroom rubbers dispenser”, Ted.

  152. Deena in OR
    July 10th, 2008 at 1:40 am [Reply]

    140: re HOCA’s and voting values…

    Is there some sort of intervention that can be done for this condition? I know a male HOCA who is considering voting ‘red’ this fall. My first question to him?
    “What kind of Margoing self respecting homosexual are you???”

  153. Deena in OR
    July 10th, 2008 at 1:41 am [Reply]

    ::slinks off before getting sent to the Cockpit:: :)

  154. Red Greenback
    July 10th, 2008 at 1:41 am [Reply]

    Mary worth has a vagina?

  155. True Fable
    July 10th, 2008 at 1:43 am [Reply]

    #154 Red Greenback – Rumor has it, she keeps it in a water glass near her bedside.

  156. Deena in OR
    July 10th, 2008 at 1:46 am [Reply]

    Oh, and Poteet, many threads ago….

    I LOVED the mashup :)

  157. Mibbitmaker
    July 10th, 2008 at 1:48 am [Reply]

    7/10 Split:

    Nancy: Hey, Calvin — punch out Sluggo immediately! It’s for your honor.

    FC: Jeffy broke a commandment.

    S-M: “… as long as it’s incredibly stupid!

    S4th: She never said she’d lie

    A3G: Ray: “Well, I’m not really a character in this strip or storyline. I just stayed at a Holiday Inn Express….”

    GT: Looks more like his elbow is crushed to me.

  158. Trotzenbonnie
    July 10th, 2008 at 1:52 am [Reply]

    #155 – True Fable
    I hope she doesn’t get it mixed up with the one holding her choppers. ***

    ***Insert Poli-Grip quip here

  159. FOOBed again
    July 10th, 2008 at 2:00 am [Reply]

  160. True Fable
    July 10th, 2008 at 2:32 am [Reply]

    #159 FOOBed again – Ahhh! Thank you! I stand corrected, TJ has supposedly been a catch all this time. I’d toss him back, personally.

    #158 Trotzenbonnie – ***”for that secure hold!”

  161. minor flood
    July 10th, 2008 at 2:39 am [Reply]

    OK, so so far we have Mussolini’s mom in Ziggy and Hitler in Marmaduke. Is the comics page a safe haven for war criminals? Where’s Stalin? Vlad the Impaler?

  162. Trotzenbonnie
    July 10th, 2008 at 2:40 am [Reply]

    #160 – True
    ***with less ooze

    KY is for wimps.
    When you want someone to meddle with your middle go with Poli Grip pre-cut strips with just the right amount of adhesive.

  163. Mibbitmaker
    July 10th, 2008 at 2:56 am [Reply]

    More 7/10:

    9CL, the dark-haired temptress: There needs to be an intervention for 9CL women and their gets-McD-off power trips.

    9CL, Unicorn Gal: Missing penultimate panel: “…And… and…. we were all getting advice from Thorax, for the love of God!!”

    BlecChh!!: Listen, Mason, I really like that you’re reversing the direction your grandpa took the strip in later years. Honest. But there’s such a thing as going too far…

    DtM: “Dennis’ Friends the Menace”

    DT: “Are you sure they’re shrill enough, boss?” “Yes. They’re really, really shrill. Ann Coulter shrill!”

    GA: Yeah, just what we need: a French Archie Bunker! Don’t think that sucker’s going into the Smithsonian, though.

    HotC: You’re all heart, Heart.

    MF: Right, Ducky… hold your nose and vote for the nominee of your precious Republican party… that must be shear torture for you! Just like the torture McCain, himself, went through… Oh, wait, it’s nothing like that. Oh, you poor, poor right-wingers…

    MT: Jeez, that Kelly Helly is about as good a friend to a moose as Boris Badanov (and 10 times as incompetent).

    MW: I love seafood, Mare, and you’re giving people like me a bad name!

    MC: Shallow enough to stereotype our entire gender as shallow, it seems. Also, that first panel could double for a Mary Worth panel.

    PBS: How d’ya like that? — Kenny from South Park in bulk! When will the senseless slaughter end? Stay tuned.

    Ghost-Who-Does-Less-Than-Spidey: “Don’t look at me like that! I live in my own little world, too. All us superheroes do.”

    RMMD: “Oops! I just hit the “Wilson & Nolan” box, honey. It’s gonna be a while.”

    ZtP: This one is self-snarking.

  164. Edward
    July 10th, 2008 at 3:03 am [Reply]

    Today’s Mary Worth completes the most vacuous and dull saga by introducing a two panel strip that is not only horribly drawn (the palm trees on her horrific old woman ‘I’m on vacation’ T-shirt apparently have a life of their own) but also makes the previous story look fascinating by comparison.

    ‘I think I’ll make scampi! See, motherfuckers? I’m this boring, and yet you still read me everyday!’

  165. Mibbitmaker
    July 10th, 2008 at 3:08 am [Reply]

    Why Kelly Welly should never be a news reporter:

    Kelly: “*Yawn!* look at that crowd of Middle Eastern Muslims minding their own business, doing nothing interesting. BOOOOORIIIIIING! Quick — start drawing insulting caricatures of Mohammad…!”

  166. kippetje2000
    July 10th, 2008 at 3:22 am [Reply]

    Re APT 3G: Isn’t that .10%, the Buddhist monk out mountain walking with Margo’s beau-voyage? Must be one heck of a Tibetan hangover. Drinking in Asia, wake up in NYC! He’s got the look of a saturnmargoboxcar’d karma victim. APT 3G = 7th level of Hell.

    Spoke too soon. That shirt of Mary Worth’s sends the Hell volume to eleven. It’s like we’ve seen her ‘Venom’ costume. I can’t stop looking at her chest. Make it stop moving. I’ve never been so excited to watch Mary make such an important decision. – NEXT UP: “Scampi or…..” –

    I can’t remember if MRS.A has killed anyone or just hospitalized them. But it looks like MR. Max is on target for taking a few victims of his own. Remember kids, most accidents occur within a few blocks of the home.

  167. True Fable
    July 10th, 2008 at 4:53 am [Reply]

    # 164 Edward – That strip, my friend, is one of the contenders for the Bee-Grindingest Moments of 2008. It doesn’t move the plot along, doesn’t develop the character (any further than the vacuous biddy that she is already known to be) and it doesn’t even feature any classic MW wild gestures or dramatic poses! Bee-Grinding at its most buzzing, the engines are roaring and the bees are flying straight for them!
    Good Wing Sauce, she really is a Time Lord! The plot has stalled out just so she can model her Venom wear.

  168. Sheila Sternwell
    July 10th, 2008 at 4:57 am [Reply]

    MW – Okay, I know, it’s probably going to lead into Mary deciding to go to the Butt Bum Boat by herself, where she’ll meet Dr. Emo eating alone, and All Will Be Forgiven. But I also know there’s a 40% chance that this is going to lead into a week of bee grinding where Mary decides which Swanson Dinner she’s going to heat up.

    As “Bloom County” once said, “Peel back foil to expose tater tots.”

    MT: I have no joke here, I just like shouting “LOOK, A MOOSE!” on a near-empty forum.

  169. True Fable
    July 10th, 2008 at 5:04 am [Reply]

    It has officially been nominated in the forums:

    This has got to be included in the running for the 2008 Bee Grinding awards. I mean, LOOK at it; Mary is not advancing the plot about her trying to push Dr Jeff away and at the same time, capture Councilman Ron’s heart.

    But not today! Today Mary is going for a kind of punky-gothy-Venom look as she Vogues in the first panel and gives her chin a classic Serialized Matron tap, but the whole day is total Bee Grinding because she’s what – planning what to eat for dinner! Scampi!

    Well, law de fuckin’ daw!

    Oh, it’s a contender, all right.

  170. MWDG-Mary Worth Discussion Group
    July 10th, 2008 at 5:18 am [Reply]

    A new low for MW artist… the palm trees on her T shirt today are clipart

  171. True Fable
    July 10th, 2008 at 5:54 am [Reply]

    I just want y’all to know, I did not put the goat up to this. It’s not even my goat or my state.

    Just wanted to make that clear. I mean… they arrested a goat. I’m horrified. Now the goat has a record. Suppose they took some kind of mug shot? Why, that would follow him for the rest of his little caprine life.

    Please, would someone please think of the children kids?!

    ;-)

  172. Little Guy
    July 10th, 2008 at 7:00 am [Reply]

    Curtis, for the next six weeks:

    “I like math! Yum!”

    “I hate men! Yuck!”

    “Don’t be distracted by my young and supple body!”

    This is going to be a [i]loooooooooong[/i] summer!

    FOOB/9CL: I thought that it would be interesting to import Osabel into FOOB to cause destruction, but looking at the current state of things, she’s already been there.

    Classic Peanuts: Boneless Buffalo Cats! From Sparky’s!

  173. John C Fremont
    July 10th, 2008 at 7:02 am [Reply]

    # 166 – Yeah, when I first saw today’s A3G, my first thought was, “Tenzin?” But then I remembered that Tenzin has yellow hair, so I decided it’s really Curly Neal. Not the real Curly. The Saturday morning cartoon Curly.

    MT – “Look, a moose!”
    “Call for Orange Moose!
    Call for Orange Moose!
    Finest moose we could produce,
    Call for Orange Moose!”

    “Look, a Moss!”

    MW – Those two palm trees have moved closer together in the second panel. Is the the result of (ulp) Mary Worth cleavage?

    Phantom – Boy, nobody fills out a pair of overalls like that Andre Derriere fellow.

    GT – Oh, he’s crushing it, alright. I’d recognize that Head Crusher guy from “Kids In The Hall” anywhere.

  174. ChattyGenes
    July 10th, 2008 at 7:17 am [Reply]

    #171 True Fable.

    BWAHAHA! That’s an absolutely great mug shot!

    How in the world did you find this? Did you Google GOATS and ARREST?;-)

  175. Shoshi
    July 10th, 2008 at 7:33 am [Reply]

    Wow. I didn’t realize that TJ was supposed to be hot! So apparently THAT’s what Evans considers a hot guy to look like. O K

  176. Shoshi
    July 10th, 2008 at 7:34 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth — OK, it’s so ridiculously obvious where THIS is going. But I really LIKE Mary’s shirt!

  177. Tats
    July 10th, 2008 at 7:35 am [Reply]

    A3-G: My word, Haley. That’s an awfully cavalier way to treat the King of Siam.

    FOOB: Elizabeth, I think I speak for everyone when I say leaving the bottles at the table is absolutely the best idea. Your guests are going to be going through those bitches like Connie goes through denial over her gay son.

    FC: I never noticed it before, but Grandmother Keane strongly resembles the offspring of Dilbert and a giant Q-Tip.

    MW: I don’t know which is more shameful, that I hoped Mary’s sudden craving for seafood would lead into a “Mary’s fight with salmonella” storyline, or that I scrapped it knowing that said storyline would be roughly as long, unpleasant, and diarrhea-inducing as the actual illness itself.

  178. One-eyed Wolfdog
    July 10th, 2008 at 7:49 am [Reply]

    Andrew Gregory hangs a slider – a vortex forms! Space-time itself is being crushed! The batter ages by decades in a fraction of a second!

  179. One-eyed Wolfdog
    July 10th, 2008 at 7:51 am [Reply]

    Also I was all primed to say something shrewd and wise and insightful about gender relations after reading today’s My Cage, but … omg, look how her tail is all cute ‘n’ fluffy in panel 2! Eee!

  180. The Mighty Monarch
    July 10th, 2008 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    Luann: TJ’s “hot”-ness” is the epitome of an informed attribute. Why am I not surprised?

  181. Whippersnapper
    July 10th, 2008 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    Foob: Better just go with a hip flask of hard liquor. You’re going to have to be really drunk to go through with this.

    True Fable @ 299 yesterthread: I missed the Shawna-Marie wedding, so I’ll definitely be at this one. Can I catch a ride with someone? I’m just down the road from Josh, in D.C. I’m going to try to dig up a family heirloom that I can tear apart and completely remake into a modern dress that bears no resemblance to its former self. Otherwise, I’ll just wear this:
    http://foreveramber.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/07/08/ugly_prom_dress.jpg

    Unless I can find something with more ruffles.

  182. man behind the curtain
    July 10th, 2008 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    FBOW — Confronted with the reality of spending the rest of her life with Blandthony, is it any wonder that Liz’s thoughts turn to booze?

    MW — Show us those twin palms of yours Mary as those palm trees heave with every breath. And by the way, to make shrimp scampi you need shrimp. Can’t substitute Chicken of the Sea.

    LuAnn — So TJ is the object of affection for all the high school teeny boppers. I hope he can stay out of jail. Or better yet, he could get a job as a substitute teacher.

  183. Tweeks_Coffee
    July 10th, 2008 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    A3G: Holy beans, what’s the Charlie Brown cosplayer doing there? Just when I was beginning to think that Alan’s career as a dealer had completely fallen through he picks up another customer. Of course it’s a customer that apparently passes out pretty easily, but it’s still progress.
    CtH: Yee gawds, I thought that was an arm coming out of his ass for a minute.
    ‘Shaft: I never thought I’d say this, but… Hey, how about if ‘Shaft got a little face time in his comic?
    DT: Today I felt little bit more of my sanity slip away.
    F-: Oh come on, Spaceballs did pretty much the exact same thing over a decade ago.
    FC: *Don’t think dirty thoughts, don’t think dirty thoughts…*
    GT: So after a fall pretty much devoid of any baseball they’re going to spend the last few days on Milford losing. Makes as much sense as anything else in this strip. Plus, aside from that Mighty Morphin’ Power Ranger holding his helmet in the second panel, the art all looks relatively benign.
    JP: Too easy.
    Luann: I guess I never realized that General Gerri-curl was supposed to be attractive. Sure he’s supposedly a player and all, but attractive?
    MT: Get between it and it’s baby, Kelly, that should do the trick. Moss is starting to look a little scruffy there, he better shave before Mark punches him on principle.
    MC: Wait…what? Is this the start of a Maureen/Jeff arc?
    PC: God help me, I actually snickered at the Neiman Marcus line.

  184. dimestore lipstick
    July 10th, 2008 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    Dingo;
    Perhaps you were merely conflating Liza (With a Z)’s two gayest spouses, Peter Allen and David Gest?

  185. shnazzer
    July 10th, 2008 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    mini-rant:
    seriously. are there no normal, cute *high school* guys in the Luann universe? are the only options inappropriately older (and really weird) boymen or nerd clown Gunther??? NO ONE???

    and 9CL’s immature junior high school plot is really pissing me off now.

    i’m developing a foobsome hate for these comic creators.

  186. One-eyed Wolfdog
    July 10th, 2008 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    #183 – Tweeks – over two decades ago, what the hell, can you believe it?

  187. Gagott68
    July 10th, 2008 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    GT: Andrew Gregory hangs a pitch and it’s crushed by Johnny Cochran!

    FOOB: Oh, shut up already.

    MT: Does that moose have two eyes on one side of its head like a flounder?

    S-M: Didn’t one of the guards have a shotgun yesterday?

  188. Harry Worth
    July 10th, 2008 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    A shrimp scampi?

    Mary, Mary Mary.

    Stop watching the Food Network.

    The only comfort food you need now is tuna casserole.

    Scampi will treat you just like the lovers in your life.

  189. Hogenmogen
    July 10th, 2008 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    #59 – Denny – Are you referencing Tarzan, like he has a current newspaper strip? Really?

    —-Why?

    Also, I’m not saying anything personal, but if you’re going to bring up some obscure (not the regular fodder of JP, (dt)GT, C(md!), RMMD, S-M, FOOB, FC, A3G, etc. then you really should link up. It’s just the polite thing to do. You don’t have to do it in html like the cool kids do it, I used to just copy and paste myself for a while, before I wisened up and joined the ranks of the snotty elitist clique-y too-cool-for-you kids eating at the center lunch table so that all the other kids can get a better view of who we are – er – that is, I emailed Josh and he told me how to do it, because I couldn’t figure it out from his brief directions under “Leave a Reply”.

    Anyway, other business –
    Foob: I wonder how many “lifelong friends” from Mtziwikkiwacki will attend the wedding feast? Probably none, because this will be a cracker-affair only, but I can imagine the hilarity from punning “indigent” with “indigenous”, which works on several levels:
    - Caucasians are clueless and culturally deprived – ha ha!
    - Native Americans are both original inhabitants of our land but are totally dirt poor – ha ha!
    - Native Americans receive indignities from persons of European descent but suffer without complaint – ha ha!
    - Liz is the white saint who sacrificed her comfort to go slumming with the natives (if only for a year, then run home in a tizzy) – ha ha!

    Well, that last one was a “gimme”, because anyone who has read this strip in the past 15 years knows how it all boils down to how great the Patterson clan is.

    And I can really see how planning a wedding in a month can be very stressful. My wife planned our whole wedding while also doing almost all the planning for building the home that we still live in, oh and she worked full time. But I can totally see how it would stress three women, two off for the summer, one retired, to make such impossible decisions such as “serve the wine or leave it on the tables?”. I mean, talk about high intensity!

    But will I attend? Oh of course I’ll RSVP, but then pull out at the last minute due to another emergency town council meeting. Wow, the darndest coincidence of these things.

    #116 – Muffaroo – You wore overalls to your wedding? What, exactly were you trying to keep from staining your crisp, white shirt?

    JP: Isn’t that quite a non-sequitor? Or, to reference today’s Zits, is it one of those things that used to be a non-sequitur but is now ok? Either way, I cringe at the thought that we’re in for a rehash of the famed Rex Moron ambiguously gay golf outing. Not that I couldn’t laugh my ass off yet again at “Let’s rack ‘em!”, but the fact that it took like eight months to finish.

    Yesterthread, we tried to dis HateCliff, but it was so lame we could not bring ourselves to go on. Today, I’m like WTF? Heath is going to rid the city of mice – by feeding them a humungous block of cheese??

    I repeat my earlier assessment: Heathcliff would be hilarious if he were a big dog, not an oversized feline. Heathcliff as a big dog – ha ha ha! I chuckle just thinking about it!

    I’m a little teapot
    Short and stout
    here is my handle -
    Mary! You’re not doin’ it right!

    Cherry does not understand that lack of motion is inherent to a photograph, right? I mean, she’s not doing little video clips like in those Harry Potter movies.

    “Wow, look at this pastoral scenery and serene wildlife. Now let’s do something to fuck it all up for a photo op!”

    “He’s not hurting anyone.” Dude, he tried to kill you and your wife with a monkeywrench. He at least needs some counselling.

    That’s about long enough.

  190. Hogenmogen
    July 10th, 2008 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    I’m a little teapot
    Short and stout
    here is my handle -
    Mary! You’re not doin’ it right!

  191. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    July 10th, 2008 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    A3G: Wow, Haley knows the most well-groomed crackheads in New York. Or maybe anywhere. Maybe that’s why Jones won’t sell to them. “No facial hair? Get out! Make my neatly-trimmed goatee look scruffy by comparison, will you?!”

    Crock: And the purpose of paying a guy to dig holes in the shifting desert sands is…?

    C’mon, I’m waiting.

    (WT)DT: Okay, training dogs to respond only to a dog whistle I can grasp. But how exactly do you train a dog to attack bank employees only? Train them to target name tags?

    GA: Ah, yes, “Gat Hop,” the latest dance craze from rapper .32 Euros:
    Let’s go to tha hop, muthaf***a!
    Then a cap will pop!
    Let’s go to tha hop, muthaf***a!
    Then we’ll waste a cop!
    Aaah-aaah, let’s go to tha hop!

    thorps. Looks more like that Oakwood player’s elbow that’s being crushed.

    H&J: Wow, it’s the most non-specific argument ever!

    Kelly Welly: Of course it’s just standing there. That’s what moose do. Does she expect it to tap dance? What’s she filming for anyway, “When Animals Panic”? I get the feeling that whatever film she shoots is destined to be played at double-speed with “Yakety Sax” in the background.

    Big Dog: I did not need to see Marmaduke’s “O face.”

    MW: After a hard day’s breaking up with someone she wasn’t really dating to begin with, Mary changes out of her breaking-up suit and into something more casual from the Dawn Weston Two Things On A Shirt collection.

    Stripeybutt: “What are we going to do?” “I say we declare these last three months of plot a loss and move on to the next pointless non-adventure!”

    6C: Guest appearance by Liz Patterson.

    Vulture: Except shut the hell up, apparently.

  192. GotFuzzy
    July 10th, 2008 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    “Foobsome hate” will now replace “despise with the burning intensity of a thousand angry suns” as the acme of my like/not like scale. Thanks, shnazzer!

    MW: Just when I thought this could not get more boring, we now get to watch Mary inventory her freezer. No, that is not a euphemism.

    PBS: Not Rat! This better be some sort of dream sequence, or Rat’s equally dyspeptic twin/cousin/long-lost son/lookalike stranger better show up.

    foobsome hate: I suggest box wine with an IV drip. Economical and the only way your guests can tolerate this monstrosity.

    MT: Hey, where’s the mountain lioness? I demand the blood of Kelly Welly!

  193. Hogenmogen
    July 10th, 2008 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    Gill Throppe: Panel 2 – Clark Kent!
    Panel 3: The catcher and umpire suddenly explode into a flash of light!

    Seriously, that is one intense panel, and Andrew Gregory hasn’t even hit the ball yet.

  194. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 10th, 2008 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    7/10

    MW: That Miami disco t-shirt looks so jarringly wrong in the context of “Mary Worth” that it totally overshadows the “yadda-yadda-seafood-yadda” in her thought balloons.

    DtM: The heirs of Ketcham tacitly admit that Dennis isn’t doing anything menacing–or interesting–in whatever vacation spot they went to.

    SSmith: And she’s got Jughaid airborne, even. Loweezy must be a champion dwarf tosser.

    C-Shaft: She’s still the brains in the family. Assuming, of course, that the auction is meant to raise money and not just to strip her of her identity.

    9CL: Isabel shows a fairly gracious reaction to this young twit scapegoating her.

    GT: Unfortunately for Milford, the Oakwood batter chose that moment to start his transformation.

    OBH: Grandpa is a little closer to his goal of not being invited to any more funerals.

    A3G: Who knew that Haley’s friends included Mr. Clean? And after hours, he really isn’t clean at all.

  195. Hogenmogen
    July 10th, 2008 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    #151 – True – From what I read in this strip, in Tiffany lingo, “hot” is synonymous with “male and breathing”.

    #159 – FOOB’d – You looked through FOUR YEARS of Luanne in 31 minutes – to find that? Is it any wonder you’re posting at 2AM?

    Zippy is aping Pastis on the “death of an artist” gag. It’s already a cliche!

  196. Calico
    July 10th, 2008 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    FOOB – Time to crack open the Boone’s Farm and Mateus Rosé! I sense a good time a comin’ at what surely will be the biggest, grandest, most loved and reported-on wedding in all of Canada.

  197. Gabacho
    July 10th, 2008 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    #152 Deena in OR – There is no known cure for the Red Voting Confirmed Bachelor(ette). Gay scientists throughout the world are studying the Mary Cheney syndrome and the best research indicates “Douchebags Happen.”

    At the Larry Craig Institute of Posture Studies, one study found that there is an inverse correlation between the “likelihood to get laid” and the “likelihood to vote Red” but that seems to be true across the spectrum and not specifically gay related.

    Mark Trail. – Well, Family Guy seemed to have a pretty clear idea of what a moose can do. Perhaps Kelly Welly could check this out http://www.thepeon.com/link.php?l=familyguymoosestuff

    Sally Forth – You know, I think Ted just might be the virile love machine he says he is. He has the makings.

    He’s curious, willing to play with toys, not at all self conscious, open to new ideas and most likely very grateful. I could see him as a power bottom.

    It’s just the weeping afterwards that would turn most people off.

    #183 man behind the curtain & Mary Worth – Upon close reading of today’s marvelous strip (I knew that English degree would come in handy 30 years later), you will note that Mary is thinking about seafood scampi not shrimp scampi. Tuna is seafood. I am sure Mary has a great recipe for that.

  198. Niall
    July 10th, 2008 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    For those who want to see all the photos of my Ireland trip, I’ve put the beginning of my report as URL under my name link above. Every post links to the next one. Feel free to leave comments under Anonymous, but do sign with your CC handle so I know who it is. :)

    Thursday Madness!

    A3G: research shows that if your name contains an A, you have an increased chance of being a druggie. (uh-oh.) I don’t know what this says about Margo, LuAnn, Gabriella… um, who doesn’t have an A in their names in this universe? If they were all drug addicts, it would explain so much.

    Archie: the old Moose would have continued running through the fence without blinking. He has followed a weight-loss regimen, seemingly consisting of amputating half his leg lengths.

    BB: I can’t tell if this is genius or stupidity. Which is a marked improvement from the usual, which is clearly stupidity.

    Curtis: what shocked me the most was not the thin veneer of characterisation, but the actually correct use of quotation marks for “all that”!

    DtM: the truly menacing part is that there is now continuity in this strip.

    DT: the sad, sad part is that this is still better-drawn than what I could do.

    MW: this strip is sunk to the patheticness levels of the Phantom. It could be worse; it could go as low as Dick Tracy. But then at least it’s be wackily entertaining in its nonsensicalness, as opposed to just boring like now.

    MC: I admit I am very surprised at every strip this week! CHange in character interactions? Killing off characters in an organic way before? Can you do that in syndication comics?? This reads like a webcomic – and that’s said in a good way. :)

    PBS: is Pastis ending the strip?? That’d be a great way to go out.

  199. Calico
    July 10th, 2008 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    #164 – If only the shirt had puff ink or sparkles and said “Florida” on it…

    Mary sure is stepping out with her cuisine! Scampi? Try Coquille St. Jacques, perhaps, or Seafood Newburg. Or some nice Butterfish – that’ll keep you from having to binge on Metamucil for a while.

    Next week, Mary discovers she’s gotten an allergy to shrimp, and Dr. Jeff finds her on the floor in anaphylactic shock, just in time from going to pay a visit to Aldo.

  200. Calico
    July 10th, 2008 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    DtM yesterday – Their names are Denny, Tennessee Pride, and Jimmy Dean.

  201. One-eyed Wolfdog
    July 10th, 2008 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    MW “Seafood scampi” = Tuna casserole + a dash of RealLemon + McCormick parsely flakes on top.

  202. man behind the curtain
    July 10th, 2008 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    “197 Gabacho — I stand corrected. But the thought of tuna caserole scampi-style gets the barf going. So is Mary off to the Bum Boat or will she be inviting Dr. Jeff over for some make up dinner and sex? Maybe she’ll head off to the Bum Boat only to find Dr. Jeff and Ron Amalfi at a secluded table plotting their next moves against her.

  203. Bootsy
    July 10th, 2008 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    Truman, here’s my plan. I’ll catch a ride to Roopville with the Phantom, since he’s heading my way anyway this week in his little old fashioned ‘plane. (Last time I rode in the souped-up Vega with Red Greenback, bur he and I would both have to be a lot drunker for me to do that again! P.S. Red, you never called!) Where was I? Oh, yeah. I’ll bring the absinthe and the Silly String, which I understand is quite flammable when hit with magmacannon fire.

  204. Hank
    July 10th, 2008 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    RE: 202, Man Behind the Curtain. I’m pretty sure that Mary’s “off to the Bum Boat” under either scenario you envision, if you get my drift.

  205. Dr. Mabuse
    July 10th, 2008 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    FBOFW – The Parade of Cliches continues: “I just wanted it to be simple!” Why does Elizabeth say this? Because a “simple” wedding is what all decent, good-hearted women want. Just like “I want to take things slowly” – there’s no thinking involved in plugging in one of these one-size-fits-all “Good-Thoughts”. They’re the standard goodness totems of our era, and they magically confer respectability on those who utter them.

    Elizabeth is turning into a completely passive spectator of her own life. If you WANT a simple wedding, you MAKE one, and it’s not that hard. You know all those invitation cards? Don’t send them. Don’t invite 200 guests, and then wonder where your “simple” wedding went.

  206. Hank
    July 10th, 2008 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    RE: FOOB. If this was really about “keeping it simple” and “letting grandpa see [her] in the dress,” Liz could hold a small wedding and wear the original, unaltered, dress.

  207. Hogenmogen
    July 10th, 2008 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    MW: Tomorrow, Dr. Jeff calls. He’s all “Take me back, Mary!” And she’s all “Take me to the Bum Boat, Jeff!!”

    He’s all “Ill give you all my slightly-more-than-platonic-admiration!” She’s all “I want seafood!”

    He’s all “My plate is empty, and I’ll starve without you!” She’s all “Same here, now pick me up, you big galoot!”

    Mary: Jeff called me.
    Toeby: Must’ve been a real whale of a conversation.
    Mary: He was all excited, I told him to clam down.
    Toeby: Sounds like he had some fishy intentions.
    Mary: So we got back together.
    Toeby: After he carped about you and Ron? Why?
    Mary: Dunno. Just for the halibut.

  208. Dingo
    July 10th, 2008 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    MARY WORTH, clotheshorse

    When last we saw Mary, she was talking to Ron Amalfi on the telephone while wearing a virgin’s blood jumper. Now that the conversation has ended, she’s donned her early 80′s Miami disco sparkle shirt o’ palms. Will she change again while cooking the seafood or will this outfit make it until Sunday in the strip? Check the Houston Chronicle to see!

    Oh, and thanks to dimestore lipstick for clearing my thoughts. Yes, yes. PETER Allen and DAVID Gest. If she next marries Al Reynolds, it’ll be the trifecta.

  209. llamaface
    July 10th, 2008 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    I’m sincerely beginning to think “seafood” is Mary’s pet word for sex.

  210. Galuaboy
    July 10th, 2008 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    So Luann’s friends are hookers?

  211. Shoshi
    July 10th, 2008 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    180 The Mighty Monarch — Oh, what a useful term. Now we know how to describe all of Anthony’s merits!

  212. TheDiva
    July 10th, 2008 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Yeah, I’m going to join in on the calling major bullshit here. You wanted it simple, Liz? If you wanted it simple, you wouldn’t be worrying about wine service and a caterer. You’d be having a small ceremony possibly witnessed by a few close friends and relatives, maybe followed by cocktails or dinner at a restaurant somewhere. And anyway, it’s your own damn fault for rushing this through just so Grandpa Jim has a slightly better chance of seeing you walk down the aisle before he cacks it.

    That said, I will be happy to attend the nuptials and serenade the happy couple with “Every Breath You Take,” a song that is often misapplied at weddings due to its stalker-y theme, but given Anthony’s single-minded pursuit of Liz despite little things like his first marriage is probably appropriate in this instance.

  213. Dingo
    July 10th, 2008 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    I have found a wedding gift for the happy couple: a sofa bed!

  214. Justafoob
    July 10th, 2008 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    Simple weddings are possible.

    If you want bridesmaids, flowers at every table, DJ’s wanting you to do the chicken dance — well then you don’t have a simple wedding.

    My wife and I put together a simple wedding in a matter of weeks. Plus we had family coming from all corners of the US too.

    It can be done, Liz.

    Just put down the Brides-R-Us magazine and do what you want.

    It is a party.

    Don’t listen to all the people trying to say it is really really deep and symbolic.

    Just remember this mantra as you walk down the aisle “There is always divorce. There is always divorce.

  215. Justafoob
    July 10th, 2008 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    The only gift that needs to be sent to LJ from the curmudgeons are dollar store crystal swans.

    I say we swamp her offices with them.

    Who is with me?

  216. Calico
    July 10th, 2008 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    #212 – I hope that one of the songs played at the FOOBfusion will be BNL’s “The Old Apartment.”
    And then, both Paul and Warren will show up, unannounced.

    What if Grampa Jim pulls a runner before the wedding? Will Liz cancel it all and run off screaming like her Mother?

  217. Calico
    July 10th, 2008 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    #215 – I have to go to the local mall to get my glasses fixed today – there’s a dollar store there. I’ll look for some “crystal” swans at the Loonie Shop.

    I have a ceramic swan, but that was my Grandmother’s and it ain’t going anywhere.

  218. DAS
    July 10th, 2008 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    Luann: so does Bernice have some experience with using the “oops, I didn’t know you were in the shower” line?

  219. Muffaroo
    July 10th, 2008 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    True Fable @141 – Super snarking on Sally 4th.

    John C Fremont @173 – The one and only cereal that comes in the shape of animals!

    Hogenmogen @189 – The overalls were crisp. One never wears old overalls to one’s wedding.

    Hey, everybody! Surf– I mean, New Thread’s Up!

  220. Froborr
    July 10th, 2008 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    A3G: Two things: Alan’s selling a rock of dope. Obviously, he has discovered the ultimate drug, crackweed.

    As for the guy? He’s completely hairless, so there’s only one person he could be: Jesus Christ himself, wandered over from Mark Trail to score some crackweed.

  221. gnome de blog
    July 10th, 2008 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    215 Justafoob:

    Brilliant! You’re on.

  222. gleeb
    July 10th, 2008 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    9CL: Don’t worry, Missy, there’d still be lots of people mad at you. After all, in New York, you must annoy dozens of people every day.

    ‘shaft: “He say seven, I say eight. He say eight, I say nine. I got plenty numbers left.”

    FC: “It was just a raincoat! It doesn’t mean nothin’!”

    GA: Gat hop? That’s like a dance for mob gunmen and their molls, isn’t it?

  223. Calico
    July 10th, 2008 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    #215 – Well, I didn’t find swans, but they have these Godawful white resin statuettes of two lovebirds with an arch-like heart surrounding them.
    It’s about 3″ x 4″ – I think I’ll spring for one and send it at the time anyone else here is going to send their (haha) wedding gift.

    Where is Tippi Hedren when we need her?

  224. Astroboy
    July 10th, 2008 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    FOOBs – I am still holding out hope against all hope that Warren’s gonna swoop down in his helicopter just as Liz and the Pornstache are about to say “I do” and sweep Liz into his whirlybird and away from the Settle-ocalypse.

    As the helicopter fades away into the setting sun, Liz’s bridal veil goes flying out the window accompanied by a shout of “See ya suckersssssss….”

    Then, and only then, would I forgive LJ for this whole horrible mess of a storyline. In fact, I’d get down on my knees and ask forgiveness for all my snark.

    But…it’ll never happen.

  225. queek
    July 10th, 2008 at 5:46 pm [Reply]

    220: Drunk and Bitter Jesus sure cleans up well.

  226. JBHale
    July 11th, 2008 at 3:44 am [Reply]

    We now know the secret behind Dagwood’s gargantuan appetite for sandwiches: Hobo Hash.

  227. man behind the curtain
    July 11th, 2008 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    GT — Wonderful. First we have all of the anti-immigrants chasing Elmer Vargas out of town. Now, in the clutch with the game on the line, Rosen the Jew meekly taps back to the pitcher for the final out of Milford’s season. I can see the Milford mob now marching on his house.

  228. Tess
    July 11th, 2008 at 10:31 pm [Reply]

    Re-reading that Blondie under the assumption that the Cook had clearly killed and ground a hobo into meatloaf for unwitting customers added an extra level of fear and horror to my normal readings of Blondie. Which normally come only with the fear that the Punchline will be the same one I saw in Garfield.

  229. xenon light
    September 20th, 2010 at 7:50 am [Reply]

    fqright,I had such a great time reading your blog. I enjoyed every bit of it. It was both entertaining and informative. I hope this will not be your last post on subjects such as this. Thank you. al

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