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All Keane dogs go to heaven

Family Circus, 7/12/08

Since the America-hating ACLU prevents the Keane kids from forcibly saving the souls of their classmates during school hours, and no other children voluntarily spend time with them outside of the classroom, they’re left with only one target for their relentless soul-saving agenda: their pets. While their attempts to wash away the sins of their demon-spawn cat went horribly awry, Dolly is thinking that they might have better luck with the dogs. I urge Barfy and Sam to surrender their lives to Christ with a minimum of resistance, as the Keanes’ exorcism techniques have been known to destroy the body in order to save the soul.

(Speaking of the Family Circus, thanks to the many, many readers who sent me a link to this fabulous panel from the ’80s, in which Ma Keane imagines Dolly being hunted for sport.)

Mark Trail, 7/12/08

I admit to being strangely unmoved by the current Mark Trail storyline, despite the fact that it consists almost entirely of Kelly Welly being foolish again. But the prospect of a joint moose/megabeaver attack on Kelly’s hapless assistant, who will scream for help while Kelly snaps gruesome photo after gruesome photo for her new When Animals Kill column, does perk my interest up a bit. Don’t disappoint me, forest beasts! Do your worst!

Cleats, 7/12/08

I was moved to break my long silence on Cleats by the installment in which the genial children’s strip suddenly took a page from a nightmarish Harlan Ellison story. I assumed, naturally, that it couldn’t get any worse and I could get back to ignoring it, but that was before the hungry, sinister carrion eaters arrived, determined to begin picking the flesh off the still-living soccer ball as it lies roasting in the hot sun.

This entry was posted on Sunday, July 13, 2008 at 02:42 pm and is filed under Cleats, Family Circus, Mark Trail.

35 responses to “All Keane dogs go to heaven”

Corporal Corpulence
July 13th, 2008 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

What? no recipes for shrimp scampi?
AeroSquid
July 13th, 2008 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

Another fine TJ product !

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3079/2664247271_80430232cb_o.jpg
AeroSquid
July 13th, 2008 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

Comic Parody Revue:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/9026046@N04/
anonymouse.
July 13th, 2008 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

Perhaps the Keane children are modeling their lives off of Francis of Assisi. They’ll be preaching to the birds next. I can’t wait until Dolly tries to give Billy stigmata with Daddy’s screwdriver.
Muffaroo
July 13th, 2008 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

AD – The Warner Brothers joke watch continues. This one is from director Bob Clampett’s TORTOISE WINS BY A HARE (1943), the only funny entry in the series of tortoise vs Bugs cartoons. “Modern design… you know, streamlining!” I expect there’ve been some swipes from old Bosko and Foxy cartoons that I didn’t catch.
Greenbrasstic
July 13th, 2008 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

FOOB: John, here’s some advice before you complete your descent into emasculated man-hell: quietly slip out of the room and leave a blank "cheque" (you crazy Canadian) on the table. Spend a quiet afternoon out of sight with your toy trains. No one will miss you. You’re welcome!
Poteet
July 13th, 2008 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

CLEATS — Maybe there are vultures somewhere who spend their time staring and practicing sinister expressions, but the turkey vultures in my area just get cheerily to work every day eating carrion. I have a friend who picks up roadkills and puts them out to feed vultures on a hillside pasture. He tells me the vultures’ manners are better than those of many children he’s seen at restaurants.
Muffaroo
July 13th, 2008 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

GF – Nicely executed! I’m holding up a card now with a very high number on it.

H the H – Dik Browne was the Friz Freleng of the comics page. Chris Browne is more of a David Detiege.

In the Bleachers – I was skeptical that a daily sports panel gag would be that good, but this one has continued to impress me over the years since the first day I looked at my paper and saw a jogger at a walk light that was flashing the message “JOG IN PLACE LIKE AN IDIOT.”

Lockhorns – The WaPo page with the Sunday of this presents it at a size too small to read the captions. Woo Hoo! Class dismissed!!

MT – Yes, there are thousands and thousands of uses for corn, all of which I’m going to tell you about right now!
Uncle Lumpy
July 13th, 2008 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

Roger’s a born minion, following the shrieked commands of a deformed lunatic straight into the jaws of death.

If this Kelly Welly gig doesn’t work out, he could hire on with Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Or Skeletor.
Poteet
July 13th, 2008 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

Foob — MONDAY SPOILER ALERT. Theme: Wedding arrangements. Characters: Apwil and Liz’s former coworkers. My reaction: Mild nausea and dread.
Calico
July 13th, 2008 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

FC – WTF
Baptizing a cat, eh? So are the Keane Kidz now Southern Baptists rather than Catholics?

This is the poor, religiously disinclined cat now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2mbeSAmUP4

They could also turn to handling dangerous reptiles:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/07/13/snake.bust.ap/index.html
I would really like to see Dolly speaking in tongues, poisonous serpent in hand.
Eli
July 13th, 2008 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

I’m thinking that maybe the moose’s savageness is being overplayed a bit, considering that it is clearly dangling a green valentine heart from its mouth.

Of course, this just supplies a very *different* reason for, ahem, “Roger” not to go anywhere near it.
Calico
July 13th, 2008 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

#12 – Roger may live up to his name, and get a good Rogering from that Moose.
Ah, true love knows no boundaries…
nona
July 13th, 2008 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

Poteet — where did you see Monday’s foob?
Maughta
July 13th, 2008 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

Mmmmm, roasted soccer ball. That’s what Mary’s gonna make for Dr. Cory. Yum.
survivor
July 13th, 2008 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

Dear God! That’s not a moose! It’s a mutant HORSE-RABBIT!

RUN, HAPLESS ASSISTANT, RUN!!
go
July 13th, 2008 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

Re: Cleats – I haven’t thought of Ellison’s “I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream” for some time. This is a good thing.
Talking Squirrel
July 13th, 2008 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

MT: Roger will get about two steps closer to the were-moose and then become entombed in the quicksand directly in his path. His corpse will immediately start to rot in the sultry, miasmic LoFo atmosphere, at which point the were-moose will pad over, gnaw out his putrefying heart and munch on his aorta — much as he’s currently doing to that of his previous victim.

Meantime, of course, Kelly Welly will be feverishly fingering the magic button of her Hasselblad.

Judge Not: Mr. “Confidence is Everything” belies his mantra by servilely rushing to grovel before Steve’s throne, when what he orta be doing is grabbing Ms. Piano Legs and ravishing her on his otherwise-useless nice clean desk.

But of course, if you wanna hole it out, first you’ve gotta show up with some balls.
indrifan
July 13th, 2008 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

Well, I just learned something on the internet. I googled enraged moose and got 80,000 hits, then googled calm moose, expecting to get far fewer, so I could lecture on the dangers of moose harassment, but got 738,000 hits.
My favorite phrase from the first page:
“JSTOR: Narcosis of Moose with Nicotine
If the drug qualities were sim- ilar [sic] in the two trials, then fatigued and excited moose have a lower tolerance to nicotine than do fresh and calm moose. …”

Of course, even the first hit under calm moose says “Officials stress that you should stay a house distance away from any moose, roughly 70 to 80 feet. And that’s with a calm moose …”

(”clam down” moose gets 410 hits. Just in case anyone was wondering)
theMarc
July 13th, 2008 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

The “or else” in the last panel of Saturday’s FOOB gives me this mental image of the Pattersons taking out a mafia-style hit on Anthony “The Asshole” Caine after deciding that he makes for a poor husband.

And let me tell you, that is one of the most glorious mental images I’ve had in ages. I can just imagine Anthony coming home one night, drunk off his ass, and cussing out Liz. The next day, the rest of the family is paying him an unfriendly visit. John is in charge of busting kneecaps, April’s in charge of breaking fingers, and Michael, of course, reads passages of his book to their victim. Then, when Mike has Anthony begging for mercy, Elly fills a tub with cement so they can give Mr. Caine a set of cement shoes, and drown him in the same stream that was Farley’s doom. I really hope that this is the direction that Lynn Johnston is going to take.

P.S. I recently discovered that, according to the official FOOB website, Michael dislikes Elvis Presley. I’m pretty sure this makes him either a pinko commie or a Nazi.
Sequitur
July 13th, 2008 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

MT: I guess that center leg on the beaver is it’s front right leg but it sure looks like you can’t see the limbs on the right and it has three sets of legs..
Deschanel
July 13th, 2008 at 5:43 pm [Reply]

I saw that macabre Family Circus cartoon this week, and though I shouldn’t find it so funny to picture Dolly’s head mounted like a trophy in a serial killer’s lair, I think it’s really a Freudian wish-projection of her deeply neurotic mom. She’s got more issues than a newsstand!
Mac
July 13th, 2008 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

I’m pretty sure that Sam is Jewish, Dolly. You know how to check?
Kay-Si
July 13th, 2008 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

Actually, the soccer ball being picked apart by birds evokes another Harlan Ellison story, “On the Slab” (which is itself derived from the story of Prometheus). I think Cleats’ author is a fan.
SpiffBereft
July 13th, 2008 at 7:57 pm [Reply]

After spending years as Kelly Welly’s hapless “personal” assistant I doubt if Roger even flinches at another mega-beaver.
Jay
July 13th, 2008 at 8:14 pm [Reply]

Barfy and Sam both look like Dolly has doped them. Or bashed a crucifix in their heads enough that lal they can do is stare blankly and smile.
Poteet
July 13th, 2008 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

# 14 nona — My small local paper doesn’t publish on Monday, so it gives us the Monday strips on Sunday. I get to see Foob and Luann early. It’s so thrilling that sometimes I forget to look at them:-).
survivor
July 13th, 2008 at 8:52 pm [Reply]

#25 – comment of the week
Smarmy Duke
July 13th, 2008 at 10:11 pm [Reply]

Marmaduke: Sunday of Sam! First it’s a ride on the swing, next Marm will be telling him to go out and kill.
NoahSnark
July 13th, 2008 at 10:54 pm [Reply]

I can see Dolly preaching at the animal shelter, trying to get all the dogs and cats who are due to be gassed that day into heaven.
Moriel
July 13th, 2008 at 11:04 pm [Reply]

“it’s not going to hurt you”? is she talking about the beaver or something? because while i imagine a beaver could do damage if it wanted to, she’s dumber than i thought if she means the moose. because, um, i live in alaska and moose are kind of a big deal here. like, more dangerous than bears. they wander into town a lot, and they’re pretty darn huge, so even if you hit one with your car, you’re in serious trouble. always hear stories about people being gored or trampled by them.

now, if this is a lead-up to kelly being gored or trampled by a hacked-off moose tired of being chased by paparazzi, that would be pretty sweet.
Ri L.
July 14th, 2008 at 10:25 am [Reply]

Although an appealing image, Dolly being hunted for sport is not quite as unintentionally hilarious as the Family Circus a while back in which Grandma is proffering PJ as Dolly says something about having already eaten. That one has a place of honor in my sketchbook.
Blueberry
July 14th, 2008 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

“[F]atigued and excited moose have a lower tolerance to nicotine than do fresh and calm moose. …” And some say academic research is overly theoretical and lacking in real-world applicability…

Every day I take a deep breath before reading MT – when do we find out what happened to the poor injured horse that Moss offered up as cougar bait back on July 5 (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/artsandliving/comics/king.html?name=Mark_Trail&date=20080705)?
Fnord Prefect
July 16th, 2008 at 1:50 am [Reply]

As much as it pains me, I have to give the Keane family props for calling their dog “Barfy– which has to be easily the most honest and descriptive pet name I can imagine.
DocForbin
August 12th, 2008 at 9:46 pm [Reply]

Once again, this Cleats comic strip proves why it ISN’T FUNNY!!!!!!!!!! @-0 JOKES ABOUT SOCCER BALLS ARE NOT FUNNY BECAUSE NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOT THAT SPORT IN THIS COUNTRY!!!!!!!!!!

Frankly I hate all those brats in Cleats and they are brats. All soccer-playing kids are brats. They should be put “bottoms up” and be fucking spanked until their asses are glowing red hot and they can’t sit on them for a whole fucking week.

Recently the Glens Falls NY Post-Star had another comics survey. I don’t know where Cleats ranked, but apparently they’re going to get rid of five comics and I sincerly hope Cleats is one of them. I also hope they’ll bring back Funky Winkerbean, thus reversing the asinine decision that asshole Editor-in-Chief Ken Tingley made to drop Funky and add Cleats all because his soccer-loving brat didn’t get a breast cancer joke. Frankly I’d rather laugh out loud over Summer watching that pathetic video Lisa made before she died from breast cancer, fully knowing given FW’s tradition of Schadenfreude that she’ll be fated to have a baby out of wedlock and die from breast cancer herself than suffer through stupid, unfunny jokes about a sport that only sissies play and will never supplant baseball as the national pastime.

DEATH TO CLEATS!!!!!!!!!!

LONG LIVE FUNKY WINKERBEAN!!!!!!!!!!

BRING BACK FUNKY WINKERBEAN TO THE GLENS FALLS NY POST-STAR NOW!!!!!!!!!!

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All Keane dogs go to heaven

35 responses to “All Keane dogs go to heaven”

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