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Honestly, though, Tommie would be able to make even Italy boring

Apartment 3-G, 6/2/13

Last night I saw Frances Ha, a low-budget indie film that takes place mostly in New York but includes a brief sojourn to Paris that, I was surprised to see, was actually filmed in Paris. Admittedly it was all done with low-cost and probably handheld digital cameras, but even the cost of plane tickets for the star and a few crew members had to run into thousands of dollars, not an insignificant chunk of indie movie budget change. Comic strips are not restricted in this way, obviously, as any number of reference photographs available for free on the Internet could give an artist instant material to draw, say, an Italian cityscape as a background to Tommie’s adventures there, which is of course why the current storyline focuses on Lu Ann’s ill-defined children-of-veterans art education project, taking place in what I guess is the Mills Gallery. Still, it may have been all worth it just to see Marty tell Lu Ann what all of us have been waiting tell Lu Ann pretty much forever.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/2/13

Funky Winkerbean very, very rarely focuses on the positive. Still, the message I’m getting from today’s strip is: if your father was killed when you were a baby, maybe it’s just as well, because maybe he was an asshole you would’ve hated.

Marvin, 6/2/13

Marvin would like to take a break from its endless Marvin-pooping-in-his-pants jokes to offer you a Marvin-peeing-in-the-pool joke.

131 responses to “Honestly, though, Tommie would be able to make even Italy boring”

  1. Pope Buck I
    June 2nd, 2013 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    I’m haunted by the splash panel of Marvin and his shell-shocked, bone-weary family, staring blankly a thousand miles past the camera lens as they try to process the horror that is their existence. Did Batiuk do a guest shot?

  2. Little Blue Bicycle
    June 2nd, 2013 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    A3G: In the first panel, LuAnn is played by Butch Patrick.

  3. Notebooked
    June 2nd, 2013 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    Is John Darling’s appearance meant to be a reference to Parkinson? Des O’Connor? Anyone relatively modern? Whatever it is, it certainly doesn’t resemble the first-panel apparition, who looks more like a zucchini topped with pudding.

  4. Yael
    June 2nd, 2013 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    Marvin, you are not Calvin and Hobbes. You will never be Calvin and Hobbes. Stop trying to emulate what worked well there, because you are ruining the whole idea with a very stupid punchline.

  5. Baka Gaijin
    June 2nd, 2013 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    As I said before, Apartment 3-G is the worst Rashomon knockoff ever.

    //This is the second or third retelling of this scene. Exactly the same retelling.

    Were I Marvin’s dad, I’d be more worried about the brown water than warm water.

  6. Lumaca Morente
    June 2nd, 2013 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    Sunday Phantom: what gives? All those backgroundless panels? Did Moy and Giella take over the strip?

  7. Bill Peschel
    June 2nd, 2013 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    FW: Wait until they screen the documentary and she realizes that she’s her father’s daughter, and has inherited his bad, bad taste.

  8. Sequitur
    June 2nd, 2013 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    Marvin: Whew! It was only a peeing in the pool joke. I was afraid it would be a Daddy’s junk gets loose and attacks a toy ship joke.

  9. bbofun
    June 2nd, 2013 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    @Notebooked (#3): I think John Darling’s appearence was suppose to resemble Phil Donahue, with a touch of Geraldo Rivera. Admittedly, that first panel makes him look more like Dick Van Dyke crossed with an Afghan hound.

  10. Uncle Lumpy
    June 2nd, 2013 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean — “Makeovers for Newborns” and “Bio-dad Reunion” are both terrible reality show ideas, so I assume Her Father John Darling is still alive under the name Frank Pierce.

  11. JC Lisbon
    June 2nd, 2013 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    Honestly, how can the Apartment 3-G writers be expected to portray something resembling Italy, when they can’t even figure out consistent single-color backgrounds across 7 panels?

  12. Liam
    June 2nd, 2013 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    FW-Corny jokes. Terrible show ideas. I’m surprised there wasn’t a line of people wanting to kill this darling man.

    A3G-”What’s happening to you, Marty? You’re morphing back into a bitter middle aged woman.”

  13. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 2nd, 2013 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#y34):

    “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me” is improved significantly by a trunk full of subwoofers.

    WHOOOOMP!

  14. Lumaca Morente
    June 2nd, 2013 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#12): I don’t know how much we can really expect from Marty when she’s clearly missing the back half of her head.

  15. Inkwell
    June 2nd, 2013 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    @Yael (#4): I think anyone can do a fantasy sequence. Calvin & Hobbes didn’t create them or trademark them. You can make one without emulating C&H. It would be nice if cartoonists tried to reach the same level of quality (as if), but it’s hardly a Calvin-specific trope.

    Wait, am I defending Marvin? Oh, ick. I am not defending Marvin, I’m just being a contrary asshole.

  16. Liam
    June 2nd, 2013 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    A3G-Lu Ann would understand more if you actually told her about your father, Marty.

  17. Bob the Builder
    June 2nd, 2013 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    John Darling … makeovers for babies … this can only be leading to a Funky Winkerbean/Marvin crossover! With crushing existential despair and poop jokes!

  18. Uncle Lumpy
    June 2nd, 2013 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#16):

    Headache = PTSD, because Veteran! Seriously, ex-military love it when you assume everything they do comes from War Trauma. Try it with a Marine near you!

  19. Powers
    June 2nd, 2013 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    I’m a little worried about Darrin, if Jessica continues to have to specify her father’s full name whenever she refers to him.

  20. John C Fremont
    June 2nd, 2013 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#13): Ooh! Carl Kasell and subwoofers. This week’s Limerick Challenge is gonna be awesome!

  21. Majicou
    June 2nd, 2013 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    I like to think that Darin’s last line conceals his own knowledge that John Darling was in the vanguard of sub-Toddlers-and-Tiaras exploitative garbage. “Yeah… he could never have imagined it,” he said dully, wondering when he should spring the revelation to deliver maximum crushing force to his wife’s soul.

  22. Lord Copulous
    June 2nd, 2013 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    FW: So where is Jessica’s mother during all of this?

  23. SPG
    June 2nd, 2013 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    Okay, I know people have talked about this before, but I honestly don’t understand why it’s always “my father John Darling.” Has Batiuk ever held a real conversation? Also, if you’re going to force this terrible dialogue on us, please punctuate properly!

    It should be, “My father, John Darling, never got to see…” not, “My father John Darling never got to see…”

  24. Alison
    June 2nd, 2013 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    “Marvin”: Marvin pees or poops wherever he wants. Add that to the fact a lot of people relieve themselves in pools anyway, and you have a recipe for (disgusting) disaster. Jeff, if you are stupid enough to share a pool with Marvin, you deserve everything that’s coming to you.

    Also, in that panel where Jeff is filling the pool with the hose, is that crooked thing on his face supposed to be his smile, or does he have his cheek stuffed with nuts like a chipmunk?

  25. BigTed
    June 2nd, 2013 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    When Marvin gets old enough to blow up an actual cruise ship, the FBI profilers on his case will track his sociopathic tendencies back to poor toilet training.

  26. Neon Junkyard
    June 2nd, 2013 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    @Inkwell (#15): Sure, anyone can do a fantasy sequence, but this one is a very close imitation of the Calvin & Hobbes style, albeit a mediocre one in service of a poor excuse for a punchline. Makes you appreciate Watterson’s talent even more.

  27. Droopy Says
    June 2nd, 2013 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    “Yeah, he never could have imagined it,” Darrin says in sullen irony. He dreads tonight, when Jessica will excitedly show him yet more recordings of her father’s broadcasts. He fights the urge to slip in an episode of “Blackadder Goes Forth” so she can hear others laugh at “Captain Darling.”

  28. Uncle Lumpy
    June 2nd, 2013 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    @Lord Copulous (#22):

    FW: So where is Jessica’s mother during all of this?

    Her Father John Darling’s wife, “Jan Murdoch Darling” (who talks like that?), is being retconned in here — my guess is she’s the sister of sad-sack Jeff Murdoch from Crankshaft? I don’t think we’ve heard of her before, but she could be the Jan who (with Her Friend Marcia) ran the “Rap Cellar” student hangout in the original Funky Winkerbean.

    Oh lord shoot me now.

  29. Dan
    June 2nd, 2013 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    “You don’t understand anything, Lu Ann! You have a bad attitude, Margo! There are bows in your hair, Ruby! And… Tommie. Oh, Tommie. I didn’t see you there.”

  30. Sequitur
    June 2nd, 2013 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#28): Thank you, Uncle Lumpy, on keeping track of all that happens in Funky Winkerbean and Crankshaft and melding the two together so we don’t have to.

    Actually, it’s because we don’t want to.

    And oh yeah, lord says consider yourself shot.

  31. Amos Snarkadder
    June 2nd, 2013 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    MW Beth, relationships are difficult, at best. But try to imagine, what would Mary say at a moment like this? Remember, she was uncomfortable with your dishonesty, so maybe this time you should just give it to your mother straight!

    Yeah, you know, some of that stuff they call “tough love.”:

  32. Liam
    June 2nd, 2013 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    FW-Nothing makes an unfunny joke even unfunnier by adding ‘get it’ at the end. Get it?

    FW 2-”My father John Darling would never stoop so low as humiliating me on public for personal gain.”

  33. bats :[
    June 2nd, 2013 at 4:31 pm [Reply]

    @Lumaca Morente (#6): Sunday’s Phantom *does* look off…

  34. Amos Snarkadder
    June 2nd, 2013 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    @Bill Peschel (#7):

    FW: Wait until they screen the documentary and she realizes that she’s her father’s daughter, and has inherited his bad, bad taste.

    Well, as they say, “The road apple doesn’t fall far from the horse’s ass.”
    // Actually, no one did ever say that, and it’s in pretty poor taste. But.

  35. bats :[
    June 2nd, 2013 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

    MW: So Elinor had a real, no-shit-Sherlock heart attack? Pretty impressive acting! Let’s cover her with rhododendrons!

  36. Northern lurker
    June 2nd, 2013 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    FW: anyone who ever watched that show would have been tempted to beat John Darling to death with a blunt excrement.

  37. Sequitur
    June 2nd, 2013 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#34):

    I thought it was “The horse eats the apple by the road and blows it out his ass.”

    Whatever.

  38. TheDiva
    June 2nd, 2013 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    @Lord Copulous (#22): Jessica’s mother had the bad taste to go on living rather than dying tragically in the prime of her life, and as such is insignificant compared to Jess’ Father John Darling (and even more so compared to the Blessed Saint Dead Lisa).

  39. Squid Countess
    June 2nd, 2013 at 5:05 pm [Reply]

    What if a giant squid appeared in Funky Winkerbean? Would the punchline involve dentures, because the squid is “archi-toothless,” or would it turn out squid ink would have saved Lisa’s life but she declined to try it because of animal testing:”She chose to die rather than dye,” maybe? This is assuming we can’t have our dream strip, where the squid just kills everyone.

  40. manimal
    June 2nd, 2013 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    MW: It’s nice that Beth took a break from her troubles with her mother and her blossoming relationship, and went to Moscow to visit Lenin’s tomb.

  41. Sequitur
    June 2nd, 2013 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Worst halitosis ever.

  42. Squid Countess
    June 2nd, 2013 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    @Dan (#29):
    Perfection.

  43. Amber
    June 2nd, 2013 at 5:11 pm [Reply]

    Awwww, Marvin reminded me of the flights of fancy of Calvin in Calvin and Hobbes.

    Of course, it speaks of the glory of C&H and the sadness that is Marvin that 1.) We didn’t get a cold opening in Marvin’s reality 2.) we pulled away from the fantasy in the penultimate panel 3.) the joke was about Marvin pissing. Always about Marvin pissing.

  44. Sequitur
    June 2nd, 2013 at 5:33 pm [Reply]

    @Amber (#43):

    “Marvin Pissed” was the unfinished and unpublished sequel to Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged.”

    Tom Armstrong got hold of the manuscript and has been trying to finish it ever since in cartoon form. Mr. Armstrong changed the main character of the book from an angry caveman to a modern baby. Armstrong first called the strip “Marvin Pooped” but the editors changed that to simply “Marvin” thinking that readers would be confused and think that Marvin was tired all the time. Pooping and pissing is now implied.

  45. Rusty
    June 2nd, 2013 at 5:43 pm [Reply]

    @SPG (#23): Batiuk fears that readers can’t follow the day-to-day storyline, so he constantly references the past, because helpful. He doesn’t want to realize the only loyal readers of the strip are there to deconstruct it.

  46. Majicou
    June 2nd, 2013 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

    @Northern lurker (#36): So literally dozens of people had a motive to kill Darling. No wonder it took the genius mind of a Les Moore to solve the case.

  47. Nekrotzar
    June 2nd, 2013 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

    Jessica: I’m glad my father didn’t live to see how terrible Funky Winkerbean would get.
    Darin: (sarcastically) Yeah … he never could have imagined it.

  48. Sequitur
    June 2nd, 2013 at 6:14 pm [Reply]

    @Majicou (#46): Kind of a “Murder on the Westview Express.”

  49. Liam
    June 2nd, 2013 at 6:21 pm [Reply]

    A3G-”My husband died in the war that gave your father headaches so beat that you snotty little brat.”

  50. Elk Meadow
    June 2nd, 2013 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

    FW I’m wondering how many dads Jessica had. There’s her father John Darling, but there must be some other ones, whom she hasn’t gotten around to mentioning yet.

    Doones First look at the new babies! And they’re not even born yet! Beats out Jessica (FW), Jackie (SF) and June (RMMD).

  51. Keru_Shiri
    June 2nd, 2013 at 6:34 pm [Reply]

    The Internet has made anything involving tentacles gross enough, but once again Marvin manages to finds a new low.

  52. Jeff
    June 2nd, 2013 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    Wasn’t Bio-dad a Polly Shore movie?

  53. Jeff
    June 2nd, 2013 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    @Jeff (#52): I meant, “Pauly Shore”.

  54. SideshowJon
    June 2nd, 2013 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Am I the only one who thinks that “Tommie going to Italy” isn’t so much a setup for a story-arch as it is an excuse to write her out of the comic for an indefinite period of time? Like, Barney Google length period of time?

  55. SideshowJon
    June 2nd, 2013 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    Marvin makes a Piss-Poor substitute of a Calvin & Hobbes-type imagination sequence.

  56. Sequitur
    June 2nd, 2013 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    @Elk Meadow (#50):

    FW I’m wondering how many dads Jessica had. There’s her father John Darling, but there must be some other ones, whom she hasn’t gotten around to mentioning yet.

    And you can bet all her dads were named “John.” At least that’s what her mother called them.

  57. Cloudbuster
    June 2nd, 2013 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

    @SideshowJon (#54): No, you’re not the only one. I can think of three people who agree with you: me, Margaret Shulock, and Frank Bolle!

  58. Wolfebane
    June 2nd, 2013 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

    …So now Marvin’s having vivid fantasies/hallucination about being large destructive monstrosities? Next Sunday I’ll bet he gets a stuffed lion called Habbes and pretends to be Spaceman Spaff! Why not? There’s only 2 letters and 4,000,000,000 I.Q. points difference between the two!

  59. Cloudbuster
    June 2nd, 2013 at 6:55 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Anyone care what’s actually going on with Marty’s dad? Is he a head trauma case prone to sudden memory loss and irrational behavior? Is he at risk for a potentially fatal brain hemorrhage? Will he die if he falls asleep? Do they let dangerously ill people walk around with no escort but their irresponsible teenage daughters?

  60. Missal
    June 2nd, 2013 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    A3G: I enjoyed this strip today. Truly enjoyed it. Not the half-baked story, or the increasingly childlike drawings, but the logo. Simple, elegant design with wonderful spot art. It took me back to the days when A3G was written by a real writer and drawn by a real artist. There WERE days like those, weren’t there? *sigh*

  61. Sequitur
    June 2nd, 2013 at 7:08 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#59):

    Actually, he just realized he’s in Apartment 3G and he’s stunned and doesn’t know how to react.

  62. Sequitur
    June 2nd, 2013 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    @SideshowJon (#54):

    Hey, great! Nehemiah Scudder has a new crusade!

  63. yaoi huntress earth
    June 2nd, 2013 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    FW: The weird thing is with all the whiners, smug jerks and emos in this series, John Darling is coming off as the most likable character.

  64. Amos Snarkadder
    June 2nd, 2013 at 7:18 pm [Reply]

    @SideshowJon (#54):

    A3G: Am I the only one who thinks that “Tommie going to Italy” isn’t so much a setup for a story-arch as it is an excuse to write her out of the comic for an indefinite period of time?

    Maybe Tommie will wind up at a bunga-bunga party with Berlusconi that will make Gov. Russo look like the amateur party animal he really is.

  65. A-wel Cruiz
    June 2nd, 2013 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    Reposting from the metapost article.

    The only pleasure I derive from Today’s Funky Winkerbean is the thought that Jessica will stumble on this tape of her father, John Darling, while researching her documentary and realize that no television personality is above it all.

    Spider-Man: It’s clear from this comic that our title character posses the proportional false-humility of a spider.

    Blondie: So the J.C. Dither’s company is now associating with members of Cobra? Somebody call G.I. Joe!

    Crankshaft: Jeff having no trouble lifting that air conditioner. Obviously, it was crafted of the finest magical mithril by the proud Dwarves of Middle Earth.

    Mallard Fillmore: My fellow curmudgeons have advised me not to discuss this comic here, so my original comments are withdrawn. :P

    Marvin: You get into a small body of water with Marvin, you should know the risks. Be thankful he didn’t drop a deuce.

    Pluggers: Pluggers know their diet will only lead to death and “dia-beetus.”

    Slylock Fox: Hurry up and name them all, kids, or Slylock and Max will surely drown. NO PRESSURE!

  66. Liam
    June 2nd, 2013 at 7:30 pm [Reply]

    @SideshowJon (#54):

    But imagine the exciting story we’ll be exposed to when she returns. The thrilling story of how Tommie and her mother were on the run through Italy after accidentally watching a mob hit and the tale of how Tommie feel in love with a man who turned out to be the Pope.

  67. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 2nd, 2013 at 7:33 pm [Reply]

    A3G: I’ve missed a few days of the serial comics. Not much has happened, but apparently Marty has learned all she needs to know about Lu Ann.

    FW: Okay, so I did read it right.

    Marvin: You knew the risks going in, man. I mean, what possessed you?

    SFx: Fish? Yeah, I know how to count fish. Right now, though, I’m a little distracted by the evidence of Sly and Max’s shared death wish.

    S-M: Daredevil can’t exactly see, but he can sure as hell Charles Bronson.

    SSmith: Hector’s skating on thin ice. It’s against the law in Hootin’ Holler to have a beard any color other than white or grey. Lureen helps him out in the last panel by scaring him ashen.

    Phantom: Huh. Looks like you can blame a guy for trying. You can even have your gang assassinate him.

    DtM: However little hair counts as not enough to bother dyeing, George Wilson is safely below the threshold.

    GA: Old age can apparently last half a century and keep going, if Walt is any indication. They’re all morons.

    JP: “And if they do cut off a finger to send as proof, I hope it’s not, ahem, his Gentleman’s Finger.”

    DT: Gosh, this woman is so delightful. I have no idea why she was ever written out of the strip.

  68. Chip Whittle
    June 2nd, 2013 at 7:36 pm [Reply]

    I wonder if Jessica always speaks of “my father John Darling” because she suffers from some slight Tourette’s-class disease and she just blurts out “John Darling” when words that reference people turn up. Like, “I John Darling went to the store and the clerk John Darling pointed out the lady John Darling from the Mister Milk John Darling co-op was giving out ice cream samples, but there was this Plugger guy John Darling ahead of me trying out every one of them and asking the ice cream lady John Darling if she John Darling knew Ben John Darling and Jerry John Darling over and over and I John Darling figured it wasn’t worth it because I John Darling probably would turn out to be lactose intolerant and my doctor John Darling told me John Darling if I John Darling keep coming back with any problem less severe than Parkinson’s John’s Darling’s then he John Darling was going to turn the fire hose on me John Darling. Do you John Darling think he John Darling was bluffing, darling John Darling?”

  69. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 2nd, 2013 at 7:42 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (yy161): The only joke I can see in Crankshaft is on Jeff for not wearing earplugs when he goes out shopping with the title character.

  70. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 2nd, 2013 at 7:43 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#68): So Jessica has some Smurf in her is what you’re saying?

  71. Anonymous
    June 2nd, 2013 at 7:45 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers: Some people have lifestyles; some people have lives. Pluggers have lives. Of course we all know that that’s just terrible.

    FW: I realized for the first time today that there don’t seem to be any clergy in this strip, and I don’t recall that there ever was. I don’t have a problem with that but it seems that such a misery-ridden place would have some of its characters grasping at religious straws. And, no, I’m not going to let you count Dead Lisa.

    FW: This story seems a good bet to go on the rest of the year. I’ve already gathered that Frankie is going to be around for a good while longer because one of the elements hasn’t even surfaced yet. And if we’re going to further explore the life and times of Father John–well, it’ll take a couple weeks merely to scrub up his image after its being muddied by today’s strip.

    FW: You have to be concerned about a strip when the third-most sympathetic character (after the stroke victim and his wife) is Bull Bushka, reformed thug. Cayla was in the running until she realized there was money to be made off Dead Lisa.

  72. Lorne
    June 2nd, 2013 at 7:48 pm [Reply]

    I JUST SQUIRTED MY INK!!!

  73. $$$Westview Oncologist$$$$$
    June 2nd, 2013 at 8:02 pm [Reply]

    Marvin- Hey, somebody mixed up the Mark Trial Sunday panels with Marvin! Unacceptable!

  74. Anonymous
    June 2nd, 2013 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

    FW: Question: The first two volumes of the Collected FW are available. If the entire run were available in book form, how many volumes could a reasonably normal and happy person read before becoming so depressed that he/she would climb to their roof and jump?

  75. Sgt. Stoned
    June 2nd, 2013 at 8:12 pm [Reply]

    MW: Remake of 1955′s “East of Eden” with Elinor reprising the Raymond Massey role and Beth as both Cal and Abra.

    Archie: High-school teacher can’t even come up with a three letter word for “feline”. Ha-ha. The American education system in a nutshell, am I right?

    BB: Um, Beetle, poison ivy oils don’t go through trousers and shoes, which Sarge happens to be wearing.

  76. tallyHO
    June 2nd, 2013 at 8:19 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#74):

    Someone would either:

    A) beat them over the head with both volumes before that would happen;
    B) realize that a death less than 1000 cuts works, too.

    No one will jump because of Funky Winkerbean collections. They just won’t make it that far along in the thought process before someone does them in.

  77. David Foster Wodehouse
    June 2nd, 2013 at 8:24 pm [Reply]

    Marvin’s author clearly did his research for this Calvin & Hobbes tribute. The only problem is he got more inspiration from those bootleg decals of Calvin peeing than from the actual strip itself.

  78. tallyHO
    June 2nd, 2013 at 8:24 pm [Reply]

    Why bust on Tommie (Tommieston? TomTom? Tomorrow? Tinglysensation? Tuneinallout? The Who Rock Opera? An alien war chant? (Tah! Mee! Tah! Mee!)? Jerry the Mouse’s first words?)

    Ah crap. I can’t remember her last name nor can I remember what my question about “bust[ing] on Tommie….” was all about.

    She wasn’t even in the Sunday Strip of The Apartment of the Three Gees.

  79. tallyHO
    June 2nd, 2013 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

    @Sgt. Stoned (#75):

    BB: Um, Beetle, poison ivy oils don’t go through trousers and shoes, which Sarge happens to be wearing.

    Beetle’s a gambling man. He knows Sarge can’t resist seemingly edible round things like that poison oak moat he is sitting inside of.
    He’s betting Sarge will try to break the circle by grazing, not by walking through it or over it.

    //Neither Beetle or Sarge seem as smart as Sarge’s Dog, who was smart enough to avoid appearing in this strip. Amirite?

  80. Mr. Yezpitelok
    June 2nd, 2013 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#48): I’ve heard of Westview Express®. It’s just like a Diners Club® card. Except it’s only good at ONE Westview restaurant… Montoni’s Pizza.

  81. Dagger33
    June 2nd, 2013 at 9:02 pm [Reply]

    Marvin, threatening to inundate a cruise ship in bodily waste, unexpectedly gets a job offer from Carnival.

  82. Peanut Gallery
    June 2nd, 2013 at 9:15 pm [Reply]

    BGSS – Slogan: “Holler Vittles! And let slip the dogs of hunger!”

  83. Sequitur
    June 2nd, 2013 at 9:15 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#80):

    It’s best you leave home without it.

  84. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 2nd, 2013 at 9:27 pm [Reply]

    @Dagger33 (#81): Making an early play for COTW, are we?

  85. Anonymous
    June 2nd, 2013 at 9:38 pm [Reply]

    FW: What was that guy’s name again? The one who looked like that guy who’s not famous anymore but who looked like Letterman used to look, back when Letterman looked like the third runner up at a comedy club. (Yes, I know, this one is light-haired and all the Letterman lookalikes were dark-haired, but never mind that.) Oh, Tom!

  86. laila
    June 2nd, 2013 at 9:43 pm [Reply]

    Luann, first impressions: You know, that’s actually not a bad bit of wordplay. Okay, comic, you get a vague smile today instead of the usual grimace of disgust.

    Luann, second thoughts: Wait, don’t they use dollars in America? Self, that’s only wordplay because you’re British. Which kind of means it’s accidental.

    Luann, third time lucky: So that would mean the actual punchline is ‘ho ho, them wacky dames, always worrying about their weight!’, then? I should have gone with the grimace.

    … score one for the total lack of the title character, though. You win some, you lose some.

  87. Anonymous
    June 2nd, 2013 at 9:49 pm [Reply]

    FW: Went up and looked at the strip again. That cameraman looks like a friend of mine from 1970–about the same enthusiasm too. He also looks like a thinner Mark Slackmeyer.

  88. Fred Wertham Jr.
    June 2nd, 2013 at 10:24 pm [Reply]

    OH! THIS WICKED EARTH!

  89. Jocelyn Knockersbury
    June 2nd, 2013 at 10:26 pm [Reply]

    MY FATHER JOHN DARLING

  90. jim, some guy in iowa
    June 2nd, 2013 at 10:39 pm [Reply]

    marvin must be all bladder for him to noticeably affect the water temperature in that pool

  91. Quantum Mechanic
    June 2nd, 2013 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

    @lalia (#86): The thing is, the way the strip is drawn, it looks like she gained all five pounds on her rack — look at the stress lines across the chest of the shirt.

  92. fiercebadrabbit
    June 2nd, 2013 at 11:13 pm [Reply]

    Marvin, I read Calvin and Hobbes. I knew Calvin and Hobbes. Calvin and Hobbes was a friend of mine. Marvin, you’re no Calvin and Hobbes.

  93. Droopy Says
    June 2nd, 2013 at 11:36 pm [Reply]

    The Asinine Spiderman: Kingpin’s scientists are “good guys?” Dude, they were working for a well-known arch-villain, in his secret lab, on devices meant for criminal use. Odds are that one of them invented Kingpin’s laser cane. Odds are even better that they know they’re criminals, and their only hope of staying out of prison is to help Kingpin defeat you. But, um, yeah, turn your back on them, Doctor-Detective Lauren is competent enough to keep them from taking action.

    Family Circus: Dolly and Jeffy plumb new depths of despair when they realize that they can’t fit into the one place they truly belong.

    Creepy Les: At first I wondered why Creepy Les is there. It’s not like the stress could kill him. Then I realized Dullwin and I share the same concern. There must be a way to make the situation more stressful for Mary Sue Moore!

    Flatulence Alley: You know you’re old when you can remember when GA’s central characters weren’t brainless, annoying assholes.

    Pluggers: I’m laughing at you, Pluggers! When I make a pie crust, I use a fancy, modern electronic rolling pin! And my whisk has a USB port! Beat that with your hand-powered eggbeater, which isn’t even DOS-compatible!

    Mark Trail: Cherry’s traumatic injuries have almost fully healed overnight, and Rusty is cured of his fishing addiction. Let’s hear it for Doc and mad science!

    Wrecked Morgan: Milton the Monster isn’t clear on the workings of contracts, is he?

  94. jim, some guy in iowa
    June 2nd, 2013 at 11:55 pm [Reply]

    judge parker and his poor wife are on a “plane flight” – is there another kind?

    and in other entitled jackass news, rex morgan gets in the long line of people waiting to keep milton’s grave well-watered

  95. bbofun
    June 3rd, 2013 at 12:00 am [Reply]

    @Jocelyn Knockersbury (y#40): As i understand it, their is NO indication anyone currently alive (other than Frankie) knows about the rape- Lisa never told anyone. Of course, that’s because Batiuk, at that time, was more interested in being “edgy” with a teen pregnancy strip, so she never had anything to tell. Now, of course, that’s not nearly interesting enough to be “edgy”- but, since he doesn’t want to ACTUALLY have to write about a date-rape, by, for example, having it happen to a currently alive character, who would then have to deal with the physical and psychological (and legal) consequences, he’s just going to retcon something that’s been thoroughly discussed and established previously. It will be a lot less work for him, and he has a whole other comic strip to start!

  96. bbofun
    June 3rd, 2013 at 12:11 am [Reply]

    Having written that, I decided to look back at Batiuk’s interview http://www.comicbookresources.com/?page=article&id=44149 and found that he didn’t actually use the term “date rape” or “rape”- just “there was a little more coercien involved” in Lisa getting pregnant. He also tells us exactly how the story will be resolved- and, indeed, it’s clear that NO ONE knows about the “coercion” at this point in the story- it’s a deep, dark secret. No spoilers from me (read the article if you want those), but, suffice it to say, it looks like a really lazy bit of writing on his part (yeah, I know, big surprise).

  97. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    June 3rd, 2013 at 1:14 am [Reply]

    I think it says something about me that, after reading this Marvin cartoon, my primary thought is an indignant “Squids don’t squirt ink when they’re attacking, but only when they are being attacked.”

    //Still, it’s better than contemplating Marvin’s excretions…

  98. Cloudbuster
    June 3rd, 2013 at 1:15 am [Reply]

    @jim, some guy in iowa (#94): Space flight! If anyone can afford it, the Parker-Drivers can. Heck, somebody probably gave them tickets!

  99. Cloudbuster
    June 3rd, 2013 at 1:19 am [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#74): The first two volumes of the Collected FW are available. If the entire run were available in book form, how many volumes could a reasonably normal and happy person read before becoming so depressed that he/she would climb to their roof and jump?

    I started to feel the urge right about when you said “Collected FW,” if that’s any measure.

  100. Cloudbuster
    June 3rd, 2013 at 1:19 am [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#97): You took the piss out of that cartoon!

  101. Cloudbuster
    June 3rd, 2013 at 1:22 am [Reply]

    9CL: It’s not about sex, you beefwits!

  102. Cloudbuster
    June 3rd, 2013 at 1:25 am [Reply]

    GT: I don’t … just … are they really going to glorify this wannabe personal injury lawyer, his flaming douchebaggery to Jimmy, and his perpetuation of our over-litigious tort system and abdication of personal responsibility? My head is going to explode.

  103. Cloudbuster
    June 3rd, 2013 at 1:29 am [Reply]

    ASM: Good guys? Spiderman has apparently gotten a bit confused (this is not a surprise). Kingpin’s scientists weren’t all undercover cops. They were people willingly in the employ of a criminal mastermind, helping him achieve his plans. Pretty much the opposite of “good guys.”

  104. Cloudbuster
    June 3rd, 2013 at 1:36 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#59): Holy mother of God. I swear I almost called this, I just forgot to post it. I was thinking “What’s wrong with Marty’s dad won’t be explained there at the gallery, the strip will just time jump forward, because we’re at a dramatic moment where something interesting is threatening to happen.”

    I wasn’t totally on. I was thinking it would be a breakfast scene with Margo “How are your art lessons going?” “Oh, one of my students’ Dad’s is like, sick or something. It was complicated. I don’t want to talk about it. What’s for breakfast?”

    But is this really that different? Last we saw Lu Ann and Marty, Marty was in a panic because Dad needed to lie down in the next room. Was in some sort of terrible danger? Who knows? Apparently they just left — I envision Marty dragging an incoherent, mumbling stroke victim behind her — and Lu Ann continued to not understand anything.

  105. Cloudbuster
    June 3rd, 2013 at 1:39 am [Reply]

    MT: “That sounds like fun, Rusty!” … And then all the grown-ups laughed and laughed. Rusty laughed along with them, even though he didn’t really understand what was so funny.

  106. Cloudbuster
    June 3rd, 2013 at 1:39 am [Reply]

    MW: “Maybe she needs time to digest the news. Maybe she should spend that time in a nursing home. Alone.”

  107. Anonymous
    June 3rd, 2013 at 1:40 am [Reply]

    9CL: Okay, we’re back to where I came in, with Sven 7 maybe 8 foot tall. However Fleurrie has dropped from 5 1/2 foot to about 3 1/2 foot, and really that just won’t do. How many of Brooke’s 60 papers will get complaints about an extremely large grown man groping a developed 13 year old? This is going too far for a newspaper comic.

  108. Steve the Pocket
    June 3rd, 2013 at 1:45 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#28): Glad I’m not the only one who’s read enough Batiuk comics to immediately make the connection between Jan’s maiden name and the family from Crankshaft. But what do you mean retconned? Surely she would have been a regular character in her husband’s own strip, even if she never appeared anywhere in Funky Winkerbean. Unless you meant she was just never referred to by name, like Calvin’s parents.

  109. October Game
    June 3rd, 2013 at 1:50 am [Reply]

    @Fred Wertham Jr. (#88), @Jocelyn Knockersbury (#89):

    THEN… SOME IDIOT TURNED ON THE LIGHTS.

  110. Huckleberry Fink
    June 3rd, 2013 at 2:05 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: Somethin’s cookin’ at the Cracker Barrel — and it sure ain’t the pot roast. Chicken Lady has already turned a golden brown (but some moron forgot to remove her feathers!).

  111. Uncle Lumpy
    June 3rd, 2013 at 2:09 am [Reply]

    @Steve the Pocket (#108):

    I never followed John Darling, so I can’t say for sure, but I don’t think My Father John Darling’s personal life was ever a part of the strip. I think this is a total insert/retcon.

  112. Cloudbuster
    June 3rd, 2013 at 2:10 am [Reply]

    Spiderman fails to be heroic. Again.

    “Captain America just hit one of them and Spider-Man started bleeding,” Vernando Stroud told CBS Los Angeles. “I was stunned at the moment. Then all of a sudden, it just got to me…I got to get them out of the way. The tourists just looked around like they were enjoying the moment,” he said.

  113. Huckleberry Fink
    June 3rd, 2013 at 2:15 am [Reply]

    MW: Maybe she needs time to digest the rat poison Beth put in her coffee.

  114. Alice Childress
    June 3rd, 2013 at 2:20 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#112): A hero ain’t nothin’ but a sandwich.

  115. Alex Blaze
    June 3rd, 2013 at 3:45 am [Reply]

    It’s interesting that Jessica referred to her father with first and last name, Batiuk made “wanting” the object of “believe” in an awkward and questionably grammatical construction, and Darling was able to say “guest page-turner author” without eliciting a cringe from his guest. It makes me think that Batiuk is crapping all over the philistines’ entertainment because HBO rejected his sitcom pitch Two Guys, a Girl, and an Oncology Ward, mainly because of the poorly written dialog.

  116. Droopy Says
    June 3rd, 2013 at 4:30 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#112): “Captain America just hit one of them and Spider-Man started bleeding,”

    Witnessing violence while wearing a Spiderman costume can make you bleed? This goes far beyond a spider’s proportional power of wussification.

  117. gleeb
    June 3rd, 2013 at 5:08 am [Reply]

    ‘bean: Night descends on Cancerdeathville, and Durwood and Jess are finally allowed to leave Montoni’s.

    Dick: That’s it, collect physical evidence. She’s not a cop’s granddaughter for nothing.

  118. Droopy Says
    June 3rd, 2013 at 5:41 am [Reply]

    @gleeb (#117): The cloning story is full of holes–collecting undamaged DNA from a long-dead woman, producing a viable clone, bringing it to term, then raising it to adulthood (how long did it take to go from DNA implanted in an ovum to a full adult? Normally that should take decades; a clone isn’t a magical creature, after all.)

    It makes far more sense (as much as anything does here) for Moon Maid II to be a surgically-altered human, brainwashed into believing she’s the original Moon Maid. That would explain that bandages over her face. As for her magnetic powers, or whatever they’re called, there’s already been one story where a mad scientist created an electronic weapon with similar powers. So there cold be a non-cloning explanation here.

  119. cholling
    June 3rd, 2013 at 5:49 am [Reply]

    “Squirts his ink”? I hate to break this to you, Josh, but this isn’t a PEEING in the pool joke.

  120. bemibet
    June 3rd, 2013 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    I’m fascinated that Jessica keeps referring Frankie as “Bio-dad”. Is he going to turn out to be a superhero?

  121. notmydesk
    June 3rd, 2013 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    FW- I wonder what my own father, Richard Joseph McMillan, who currently resides at 244 Porker’s Circle in Medford, OR., thinks about this plot-line. Certainly, he believes most things can be solved with a reality show. That, or lottery tickets and Sanford and Son reruns that don’t star Grady.

  122. runauch
    June 3rd, 2013 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    I don’t think he was peeing in the pool. The red in his eye says he burst a capillary doing something much worse.

  123. Mardou Fox
    June 3rd, 2013 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    Call me naïve, but I cannot believe that Marvin actually went so low as it did today. The excited buildup to Marvin saying “he squirts his ink,” and the look on his face? I feel so very violated. Excuse me, I’m going to puke now.

  124. batgirl
    June 3rd, 2013 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

    Rana @ 97, that was my immediate thought too, that squids don’t use ink when attacking. I second your pedantry.

    By the way, has anyone checked out Gocomics new strip, Mulligan? It’s a heartwarming strip about senile dementia. The May 28 strip is particularly disturbing.

  125. JD
    June 3rd, 2013 at 7:43 pm [Reply]

    Not the first time Marvin’s ripped off Calvin and Hobbes. If I cared to read through old Marvin, I’d find the one Josh posted about Marvin and the frozen boogers. Marvin, please stop existing.

  126. Kwazzymodo
    June 3rd, 2013 at 8:17 pm [Reply]

    I was only halfway through the strip when I thought – Marvin, you are not Calvin! I’m glad I’m not the only one.

  127. Mardou Fox
    June 3rd, 2013 at 9:48 pm [Reply]

    @Kwazzymodo (#126): Right, what a blatant Calvin ripoff! We all know Marvin is not capable of thinking about much of anything but pooping and peeing, and far from being able to feel delight in any flight of imagination, he typically just sits and gives people sullen or evil stares as he stinks at them.

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