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Harrison’s bio is the only thing on that page? And is a cartoon?

Crankshaft, 6/27/13

When? America demands to know. When will we get Crankshaft making dickish puns about New York City, like we were promised? Well, it seems that after a week of Crankshaft being an asshole at the airport, we now have to deal with a week of Crankshaft being an asshole on a plane. Today’s strip actually nicely encapsulates what I frequently find off about the tone of this strip: this is a fairly zany gag, and an impossible one at that — you can’t actually open one of those doors in mid-flight by accident. It should be played pretty broadly. And yet everything about the art is actually pretty serious. Like, instead of just looking bored or wry or something, the flight attendant is actually running towards the back of the plane in panic. And Crankshaft’s face! That’s the face of a man who knows with absolute certainty that he’s about to die horribly, due to his own poor decisions. It’s the face I’ve wanted to see on Crankshaft for years, so I guess I’m not sure why I’m complaining so much about this.

Judge Parker, 6/27/13

Speaking of things that have been dragging on for two weeks against all expectations, Judge Parker Senior is still really mad about a bad review of his trashy mystery novel! The war criminal who dared disparage it is a professor at Princeton and Yale, which (a) isn’t a thing that happens, generally, but (b) should provide the Parker-Spencer-Drivers, who are fantastically wealthy and always get everything they want without putting forth any effort whatsoever, with a great opportunity to rail against “elitists.”

The Phantom, 6/27/13

UGH, the Phantom thinks World War I was still happening in 1919. Can we trust the veracity of any of the information from the Chronicle Chamber now?

279 responses to “Harrison’s bio is the only thing on that page? And is a cartoon?”

  1. Huckleberry Fink
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:25 am [Reply]

    GERD Thorp: Either his gastroesophageal reflux disease is acting up or the Star-Spangled Shirtman is turning into the Hulk.

    “You won’t like me when I’m angry!”

  2. Resentful Imprisoned Bug
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:29 am [Reply]

    Lord over me all you like, Jeffy of Family Circus, but know that my brethren will someday feast on your mortal remains.

  3. gleeb
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:29 am [Reply]

    ‘shaft: Too stupid to live, too mean to die.

    ‘bean: I’m shocked. No big smug-worthy moment for Creepy Les. It does, of course, take place in the crappy pizza joint.

    Phantom: 1919? A subtle reminder that a diarist can be incorrect or downright deceitful, right, Batiuk?

    Rex: Please, Rex. By the time Sarah is through with her successful book tours and has accepted the National Book Award, Bryn Mawr will have nothing to teach her.

    Spidey: Whatever happened to the old “you provide the pictures, I’ll provide the war,” spirit? Jameson, you’re a disgrace to newspaper publishing, if such a thing is possible.

    Between Fiends: After staring at it for 5 minutes, I can not tell if this coffee-ordering strip is a rerun or not.

  4. KreatureFeatures
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:32 am [Reply]

    Judge Snarker: “She’s a professor at Princeton and Yale, a rowing coach at Harvard, and a brilliant janitor at Cornell. Plus she’s got legs for days, and a rack that won’t quit. Let it go!”

    Dennis the Menace turned into Love Is so gradually, we never even noticed.

  5. Liam
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:34 am [Reply]

    A3G-”I think I’m in love with a man who suffers from bad headaches.”

    FC-That’s so cute. Jeffy thinks he’s god.

    JP-”I want this Audrey Harrison dead. I want her pets dead. I want her family dead. I want everyone who knows or has heard of her dead. I want her home and this Yale place burnt to the ground have the ground salted.”

    MT-”Right, Mr. Baker? Please agree with me because I am holding a gun.”

    MW-”And how about you, Elinor? Do you love asparagus now?”

    RMMD-There are too many variables at work here against Rex’s master plan. This Sarah person must be removed to ensure that his plans stay on track.

    The Phantom-”My ancestor declared proudly, ‘Despite them insisting that the war has been over for a year I shall say when the war is over’.”

  6. Chareth Cutestory
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:35 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: You know, without panel 3 in there I could have made an easy mile high club joke hahaha BUT OH GOD NO this is Crankshaft we’re talking about! Blarrrgh I can’t stop puking now!

  7. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:36 am [Reply]

    FW – While it is the law in 37 states and the District of Columbia that if a teenage girl writes in her diary on day she learned she was pregnant that she hates the father and doesn’t want him to see the baby ever ever, it is a legally binding contract, enforceable even 20 years after her tragic, heroic death – Ohio is not one of those states. So this isn’t really a Gotcha!

    The core assumption, of course, is that the wishes of the actual child to not see his father are irrelevant. The wishes of his poor wife, who is clearly allergic to Frankie’s cologne and puffs up like an adder fish when exposed to it, are irrelevant. All that matters is what Saint Dead Fucking Lisa wrote in her journal decades ago when she was a teenager.

  8. seismic-2
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:36 am [Reply]

    RMMD: I hope little Sarah’s book takes the art and literary worlds by storm and wins all sort of awards, just so that she will have a Pulitzer and Tom Batiuk won’t.

  9. revenge4Aldo
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    FC: And so Jeffy implemented his plan to raise an insect army to protect him from the cruel whims of Dolly.
    Love is… An Inception three-some.

  10. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#5): Re: I want this Audrey Harrison dead. I want her pets dead. I want her family dead. I want everyone who knows or has heard of her dead.

    Niedermeyer? …

    DEAD!!!

  11. nescio
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    After the flight attendant ran back and gave a push, all the passengers suddenly became more relaxed, later wrote letters to the airline praising her, and the whole incident was written up as a heart-warming story on consumerist.com.

  12. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:41 am [Reply]

    A&J: longcat is lonnnnggg.

    NAoQV: *applaz*

    Yahoo Comics has changed, they are now showing the past few days of each strip. Amazingly, it doesn’t seem to be nearly as boggy to load as the various Comics Kingdom sites.

    Faily Winkerbean is made of /fail. I’d go on at further length at my disdain and disgust for this “writing”, but my Burber Thesaurus is on loan.

    JUMBLE: guest-starring Jason Verlander and Kate Upton?

    Pluggers: OBJECTION!!!!

  13. pugfuggly
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:41 am [Reply]

    C’shaft This being the Funkyverse, I guess it was only inevitable that Cranky was going to have a John Darling-esque ending at some point, but I’m betting this is probably a nightmare of an old man having an unpleasant sleep on an airplane. Too bad, I was really looking forward to seeing the headlines on this: Town Celebrates as Hateful Local Man dies in Stupidest Way Possible

    JP Constance is a person, right? Not a rich people version of Siri? “Constance! Tell me who this Audrey Harrison person is, then download her personal details to that automated revenge app I installed yesterday…..ok, now send me the coordinates of the closest martini bar on this ship, and pre-order me a manhattan….”

  14. KreatureFeatures
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:41 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Beth, Elinor, and Mary blissfully chat about the upcoming wedding, unaware that Tom peeled out of Santa Royale at the crack of dawn. Right now he’s doing 70 down PCH with a sweet young thing at his side. The ladies will soon stumble upon his still-smoking tire tracks.

  15. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:41 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . remembering the three-ways.

  16. Mibbitmaker
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:42 am [Reply]

    JP, meta: That won’t work because, in a moneyed and privileged way, the Parkers are elitists. Not intellectual elitists (clearly), but more the Charles Emerson Winchester kind, minus the breeding. Pretty much all main characters are their type of elitists in Woody Wilson’s World.

    Phantom: “Must have really shook up Schickelgruber, eh? You know, Hitler, the German king then…?”

    MW: Mary Worth. God is Her underling, you know.

    Luann: The non-couple are boring, but just look at that instructor/whatever. She must have a really bad chiropractor.

  17. Mumblix Grumph
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:42 am [Reply]

    Sir, that’s not the lavatory!

    Never mind, the deed is done just the same.

  18. Downpuppy, Scared
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:45 am [Reply]

    Love is the creepiest picture ever, as Mantis woman envisions the head that was her most recent meal.

  19. Écureuil Écumant
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:46 am [Reply]

    “UGH, the Phantom thinks World War I was still happening in 1919.”

    And DePaul & Ryan think a hydrogen gasbag will last ten seconds over No Man’s Land.

  20. Dennis Jimenez
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:48 am [Reply]

    Crank – Ah, the quick way to evacuate your bowels….

    JP – Any predictions on the credentials of Dr. Audrey, PhD? I’m going with 38DD….

    Phantom – OK, don’t follow the strip, but I mean wow – spandex, ethnic midget, phallic war imagery – this strip has it all….

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  21. Guyinback
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:49 am [Reply]

    I learned in my college class on European History that World War I ended in 1918. I also learned in my college class on Things That Are Impossible that you can’t see the tattoo on an airborne balloonist from a trench so far away. Ghost Who Makes Stuff Up must have skipped those classes.

  22. Dave Hardy
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:52 am [Reply]

    “Yep, it was 1919 and I was fightin’ World War I, boy.”

    “But the war ended in 1918, granpa…”

    “Shaddap! It was ended by the Treaty of Versallees. Anyhoo, over the hill come a hunnerd thousand Chinee in a human wave attack.”

    “But the Chinese…”

    “Quit interuptin’! When I got done with them Russkies…”

    “I thought they were Chinese, granpa.”

    “They was Swedish! Then I looked up and there I seen it, a tattoo on this feller’s backside. He was about five hunnerd foot overhead in a balloon, but I seen it clear as day. Then Elvis says to me, ‘Let’s go get a fried peanut-butter-banana sandwich, uh-huh, uh-huh.”

    “Granpa’s off his meds again!”

  23. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:54 am [Reply]

    9CL – She’s not a colleague, Sveth. She is your employer. Different relationship. Ask Brooke to borrow one of his Thesauri, if you want to look it up.

    Better yet, use it to bludgeon Fleurrie and yourself to death so that we can end this storyline.

  24. sully
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:58 am [Reply]

    It’s not nice of the SOBs who inflict Wankshaft on the world daily to put the titular character in a situation where he would most certainly die, and not actually kill him. Not nice at all.

  25. Rusty
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:59 am [Reply]

    Phantom: Is he in a crypt full of dead former phantoms? Or is that a poorly-designed library?

    FW: It wasn’t enough for Durrwood to tell Frankie he has no interest in meeting him. Dead Lisa forbade any meeting in The Journal of High School Years, therefore Frankie has been vanquished. Amen.

  26. Doctor Handsome
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:59 am [Reply]

    Today’s Judge Parker is absolutely perfect if you read it as a late-night infomercial for contract killers.

  27. seismic-2
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:59 am [Reply]

    Phantom: My Ancestor say him fly over No Man’s Land! In 1919!*

  28. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:59 am [Reply]

    Spot the Difference. (Poteetian.)

    This graph is similar to Mark Trail, but has more black.

    sea otter twins.

    Ermahgerd!!!! bubbles!

    corgiquality.

    Alsatian pup. d’awwww.

  29. Here come the Judge
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:59 am [Reply]

    Woah, an episode of Crankshaft in which not one single person is looking smug?! Are we sure Batuik wrote this one?

    Also, check out the goggle-eyes-of-horror in yesterday’s Shoe. My personal theory explaining the goggle eyes is that all of the strip’s characters are continually shocked by the poor-quality jokes that have become the norm since Jeff MacNelly passed.

  30. pugfuggly
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    A3G In spire of the fact that one main character is MIA, the writers of A3G insist on having 3 unrelated storylines.

    ASM “From what I hear, that revolution is going fine; there’s no story there! Get me a photo of Spiderman punching a clown or something, that’s what sells papers, apparently.”

    FC When midsummer hits, the Keanes save money by having Jeffy eat bugs. Not only does it cut back on their food bill, but it provides free entertainment.

    FW Ah! So now that they’ve shown the contents of Lisa’s diary to Frankie and Lenny, there’s no way they could go ahead with their reality show, because, um…stuff? “Oh man, Frankie, look at the production values on <i<their video. We can’t compete with something as slick as this! Let’s just forget the reality show and leave town, forever.”

    MT “My wall? I live out in the garden with the other gnomes. I’m only here because just got sick of fishing.”

    MW To thank her for her good advice, Beth and Elinor have agreed to be actors in a infomercial for Mary’s services.

  31. Esther Blodgett
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    I have nothing to say. This morning’s snark has been so LOL funny I can’t add a thing. Except I’m glad I haven’t poured my coffee yet, lest it be bathing my keyboard via spit-take at this moment.

  32. Steffer K
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    Call me a realist, but I’m fairly certain that passengers lack the ability to open the main doors of a plane, especially from the inside and especially since 9-11. I’m guessing the author hasn’t flown since 1945?

    Feel free to prove me wrong, I don’t work for the airlines. I just thought for safety reasons they have to be opened with some special Aztec key.

  33. Doctor Handsome
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:06 am [Reply]

    People have said, “Sir!! That’s not the lavatory!!” to Crankshaft so many times at this point that the words have lost all meaning.

  34. Christian
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:08 am [Reply]

    You can’t open those doors in-flight on purpose, either, because of the pressure differential. Not without havy equipment, or … spider-strength …

    Holy mackerel, are we seeing Peter Parker’s future? On second thought, probably not; Crankshaft is sometimes competent and effective.

  35. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    some apples for commodorejohn. ;-)

  36. Pozzo
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:13 am [Reply]

    Maybe No Man’s Land doesn’t get the latest news and they think the war’s still going on. It’s like the Battle of New Orleans, or that Japanese guy on Gilligan’s Island.

  37. pugfuggly
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:13 am [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#33):

    /spews out mouthfull of coffee/

    Definite COTW nominee….

  38. WeatherServo9
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:14 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: If tomorrow’s first panel doesn’t show him hanging off the wing by one arm, while also peeing, it’ll be very disappointing.

  39. Doctor Handsome
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    For a guy who’s like the 40th guy of the guy he is, The Phantom seems oddly oblivous to the possibility of two guys having the same tattoo. He clearly never went to Lollapalooza.

  40. AhClem
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:18 am [Reply]

    Shaft – Being part of the Batuikverse, this story will end with Crankshaft being sucked out, the plane crashing into an orphanage and the fumes from the explosion causing cancer for everyone within a 5-mile radius of the crash. Sadly, none of this will happen.

    Luann – Tiffany uttering “friends with benefits” is one of Evans’ wank-off fantasies over the girl who rejected him in high school. Knowing that makes me wish I was on Crankshaft’s plane.

  41. Marc
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    A3G- I’m convinced that Shulock and Bolle are completely unaware that Abany is the capital of New York and not NYC. They also are totally oblivious to what a governor actually does. There can’t be any other explanation for this lunacy.

  42. Downpuppy
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:28 am [Reply]

    Tiffany’s direct offer of sex has the GoComics Luann fans baffled. Heavens to Betsy, they shriek, How is this possible?

  43. S. Stout
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:28 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft:Not sure what disappoints me more:

    -Crankshaft is not being pulled out the door to his death.
    -There’s literally no way you can open an emergency door during flight accidentally.
    -The flight will not have an emergency landing even though it would be impossible to close that door now.
    -Crankshaft will not be arrested.
    -Crankshaft will continue to be a miserable bastard.

    Luann: Quill complains, yet he’s never told Tiffany he’s dating Luann, nor does he ever physically stop her from touching him.

  44. S. Stout
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    @Downpuppy (#42):

    The GoComics crowd lives very sheltered lives. Tiffany is the only realilistic character in this strip, and for that she is the villain.

  45. sporknpork
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    I want to pick up a copy of that Book Day to read more about what I hope is Poppin’ Fresh’s autobiography.

  46. btown
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    Typo in today’s Pluggers. Should read “you’re a plugger if you’ve seen Dick run”

  47. Midtown
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    We could nominate Ed Crankshaft for a Darwin Award* but unfortunately he’s already reproduced.

    * awarded to one who does something incredibly stupid that leads to his/her death or inability to procreate.

  48. TheDiva
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    C’shaft: I know that Crankshaft won’t actually be arrested and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, nor will he be sucked out of the jet to endure a horrifying death. But the mere suggestion that these things might happen makes this the best Crankshaft in years.

  49. Joshua
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    I didn’t realize that Crankshaft was going to end this week with the death of the main character. Well, this is certainly a memorable way for him to go.

    … Wait, it’s not ending and this is just wacky comedy?

    (By the way, when I saw “Sir, that’s not the lavatory!” I hadn’t yet seen the open door, and I expected Crankshaft merely to be peeing in some inappropriate location, not being about to fall out of an airplane in midflight.)

  50. Ned Ryerson
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    Phantom: Next up, Stukas over Bedrock!

  51. Little Blue Bicycle
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    The Phantom: His ancestor clearly was involved in the Russian Civil War. They don’t strike me as Reds, so let’s say bitter monarchist White.

    Crankshaft: This is the same guy who got snooty and killed off John Darling, so there’s hope that the end is again nigh.

  52. Mikey
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    Phantom- “…but then again, the 19th Phantom was famous for his week long benders”

    ‘shaft- “Why yes sir it is the bathroom! Just pull that lever up to go in…that’s it..”

  53. seismic-2
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    In a perfect world, Crankshaft would fall out of the plane while passing above Westview, and he would come crashing down through the ceiling of Montoni’s pizza parlor, killing everyone gathered therein.

    In an imperfect world, the 7362-part series of VHS tapes featuring Saint Dead Lisa talking about life would now be supplemented by a new 5326-episode series of .mp4 files showing Summer reading excerpts from Saint Dead Lisa’s “journal” about life.

    Guess which world we live in.

  54. jim, some guy in iowa
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    I’m not familiar with the Phantom, but is it fair to say the !! in the thought bubble over the shorter fella is shorthand for “more bullshit from the overbearing guy in the purple spandex”?

  55. Oregonian
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    Phantom: I think the tattoo must be on the ass of the guy in the dirigible and he’s mooning those sad clowns who still haven’t realized that the war is over.

  56. debussy fields
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    I absolutely HATE Crankshaft. The comic strip itself and even more, the guy.

  57. Mikey
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#53): Ha! That’s great! Actually more perfect would be if Crankshaft’s body killed everybody but Les and then as he breaks out his dickish smirk to thank St. Lisa for sparing him he’s killed by falling blue frozen toilet waste from the same plane. Irony, anyone!

  58. TheDiva
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    A3G: “Speaking of getting mixed up, which is the salt and which is the sugar again? They’re both white…”

    FW: So….now what? If Frankie doesn’t leave town, they’ll release their amateur video of Summer reading from Saint Dead Lisa’s diary (which doesn’t actually prove that it is her diary or that Frankie actually did any of the things written in it), which nobody will ever watch even if they post it on YouTube (which they won’t, because that’s only something evil talentless hacks do)? Eh, whatever, as long as it ends the arc.

    GT: Careful, you two–even dead, Pat Morita is a formidable opponent.

    Luann: Today’s lesson, class, is on the Virgin-Whore Complex…

    Marvin: Okay, if that’s what you want…This strip is inane, tedious, relies entirely too much on toilet humor, and while it occasionally captures a humorous truth about raising small children it does so far too inconsistently and rarely to make it worthwhile.

    MW: Good start, ladies, but you aren’t genuflecting enough.

    Pibgorn: Drusilla, I know Havelock Vetinari. Havelock Vetinari is a favorite fictional character of mine. You, madam, are no Havelock Vetinari.

    Pluggers: You’re a Plugger if your children’s books were written before the revolutionary notion that children’s books should be interesting and entertaining.

    SM: What was Peter expecting? “Well Parker, you’re only on the payroll as a freelance photographer, and you have no written journalism experience that we know of and have never done an article for us before, but sure, go to a war-torn country on the company dime and try to get an insightful interview with an elusive revolutionary!”

  59. bunivasal
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    Who else really want this to be the second to last Crankshaft strip, with the last one being him crushing that guy’s mailbox with his falling corpse?

  60. Sequitur
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    I don’t see what Ralph Hagen is complaining about. We don’t dis his strip on this site. Actually, he’s got a pretty nice comic.

  61. Illustrator Steve
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft – Don’t worry, Crankshaft, the ground below will break your fall.

  62. Holly Folly
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    Wouldn’t it be awesome if Crankshaft just got sucked out of the plane and then what’s-his-face had to write a book about that too? And the book also sucked?

  63. Sequitur
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: The plane hasn’t taken off yet. This is gonna be one long flight.

  64. the REAL Mark Trail
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    I wanted Big Mike to seem a bit intimidating in the 3rd pabel… hence him holding the riufle while saying “money should be no object… right Mr. Baker?” hopefully it came across. -James

  65. jim, some guy in iowa
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#60): I think it’s empathy for fellow cartoonists. There’s some mean comments here, I’ve made some too, but the ones that are posted at the newspaper sites can be spectacularly nasty. Pre-internet, I never would have wasted a stamp on a letter to the editor complaining about ’9CL’ or ‘FW’.

    but you know, the risk you take by “spilling your heart and soul” every day is that not everyone’s going to like it

  66. Ian Beste
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#50): Hey, that’s the name of my old college band!

    @Oregonian (#55): /Nerd switch set to ON/ That appears to be a blimp, a gas-filled envelope lacking an internal framework, frequently used during the First World War for artillery spotting. The dirigible contained one or more internal gas envelopes held together by an internal framework of light-weight metal and propelled by one or more external engines. While the most famous dirigibles were the German Zeppelins, other nations operated them as well, including the US. /Nerd switch set to OFF/

  67. Illustrator Steve
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    MT – “Money should be no object for the kind of trophy buck I’m talking about. That’s right, mister Baker because I’m talking about the new dollar store chain I just opened across the country called ‘Trophy Buck’ where money should be no object because everything in my store is just a buck! You may be interested in purchasing one of our nifty little trophys that have a plastic gold deer on the top … we call them our TROPHY BUCKS!”

  68. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    @jim, some guy in iowa (#65):

    but you know, the risk you take by “spilling your heart and soul” every day is that not everyone’s going to like it

    Tell that to Judge Pissyface.

  69. Kinghasnoclothes
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    Funky Boringbean : Bio-dad after viewing the video, I don’t like this… I LOVE IT! Let us set up our camera and show me the video again, except this time I’ll act like I care. This is reality GOLD! The part where she tells me ‘no’ with her eyes, and then blinks, is hilarious! I wish we could get away with a laugh track in a reality show. What’s that? You still don’t want to do the show? Okay, well I know this guy, Tom Batiuk, who has a comic strip…

  70. CanuckDownSouth
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    Phantom: To everyone asking how he can see the tattoo of a guy in a balloon, they already did strips with the earlier Phantom meeting the guy in the trenches, seeing the tattoo, and being told he was going up into the blimp. That’s actually sensiblenot completely insane. The fact that spotters never went into No Man’s Land and that the war was over by 1919 is more than enough to snark on :-)

  71. bbofun
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:33 am [Reply]

  72. Ed Dravecky
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#33): Congratulations, you have won the Internet.

  73. Illustrator Steve
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    @the REAL Mark Trail (#64): I agree. Good job, TRMT! …It’s also good to know that Steven Van Zandt has a new gig as a comic strip caracter along with still playing in the E Street Band since the Sopranos series ended. ….But what’s with the 1912 hunting outfit Baker’s wearing? Did he find it stuffed away in his great grandfather’s trunk?

  74. Ned Ryerson
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    @Ian Beste (#66): Hey, that’s the name of my old college band!

    I used to have an old punk compilation LP with a cover of something, Careful With That Axe, Eugene, maybe? I traded it for a poster I think.

  75. Illustrator Steve
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    CRANKSHAFT – After the emergency door incident Crankshaft won’t need to use the real lavatory for anything now other than to change his underwear.

  76. Illustrator Steve
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft – “WOW! This is a MUCH better view then the one I get while cleaning my rain gutters!”

  77. Sequitur
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Did widdle Sawah do the artwork in Dr. Morgan’s office?

    Or did they hang it that high so she wouldn’t “improve” it?

  78. Sequitur
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#33):

    There’s a bathroom on the right.

    Crankshaft theme song.

    Sorry Creedence

  79. Illustrator Steve
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    @the REAL Mark Trail (#64): Let me guess … Mark will have Cherry infiltrate Big Mike’s place undercover for a sharp-shooting contest. Afterall, Big Mike MUST have quite an abundance of empty beer cans laying around the place!

    // “Okay, go ahead Big Mike … throw another can in the air! …NO, not THAT one, THAT’S PROPANE TANK!!”

  80. Jim in Wisc.
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    Loser-Ann: One of the commenters at GoComics asked if things could get more boring. Well, we could be enduring Luann and Gunther reading to little kids at the library.

    Sexy Rexy, M.D.: Of course Rex is only interested in how much money Sarah can make selling her “art” and not in his young daughter’s artistic talent itself. He needs all the money he can get, because he’s used up all their savings filling the many Percocet prescriptions he’s written for himself over the years.

    Crankenschäft: Ha, ha. It funny cuz the old guy is so senile he’s going to kill everyone on the plane.

    Crappy Depressingbean: “It’s called WRITING, you hidebound literalists!”

  81. Écureuil Écumant
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    JP: In which Alan looks deeply into his soul.

  82. cheech wizard
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    Let us read now from the book of St. Lisa:

    “And in those days, there came unto Westview a stranger, a quarterback from another land, whose name was Frankie the Jerk.

    And he looked upon St. Lisa, and he saw that she was mousey and insecure, and he knew that she would be lacking in self-esteem.

    So he spake unto her, and bade her Come, go with me in my van, that I may know thee and come unto thee.

    And St. Lisa replied, asking What wilt thou give me if I let thee come unto me? Give me thy class ring, and thy letter jacket as well.

    And Frankie did give her these things, and she did go with him in his van, and he knew her and came unto her, and she was with child.

    And then spake Lisa: Let us now speak of important things, of feelings and relationships, and of the respect that shall be mine when the sun riseth in the East.

    And Frankie became wroth, and he cursed her and banged his fist on the side of his van, and he dented the image of the muff-diving coyote emblazoned thereupon.

    And there came upon them an older couple, both filled with sadness and woe, and the fear of What May Be, and bent low with the Burden of Life. And Frankie spake unto Lisa, saying Go thou, with thine own people. And she went.

    And St. Lisa returned to the home of her father, and there she took down a book and inscribed therein a curse, saying Let this child know not his father.

    And it came to pass that Frankie sought his child, that he might acknowledge him to the world and be known as the favored one of St. Lisa. But they showed him the Words of Lisa, and said See, thou art a vile man. Go thou, and returneth not, unless as a rougueish young lout to be smote by Ed the Crankshaft 10 years ere this. And he went.”

    These are the words of St. Lisa. Alleilu.

  83. cheech wizard
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    MT -”Money should be no object for the kind of trophy I’m talking about, right Mr. Baker? The kind that come from hunting The Most Dangerous Game? Are you with me here?”

  84. commodorejohn
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    But why is the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man on the cover of Book Day?

  85. Connor
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft’s face may be one of horror and despair, but the face of that mustachioed passenger in panel two is another story. That face is one of utter apathy. “Some old asshole is going to get us all sucked out of a plane,” he thinks to himself. “Finally.”

  86. Ed Dravecky
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    Batiuk, you clever fool! This is the perfect way for Crankshaft to make the 10 year leap forward to sync up with Funky Winkerbean as Ed rots in a Federal prison for a decade, becoming the shriveled husk that his family will store at Bedside Manor. Comedy gold!

  87. Alter Ego
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    love is… Infinite recursion again.

  88. Liam
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    FW-Curses! Foiled by the diary entry of a then pregnant teenage girl. Frankie now must flee back to the shadows and plot of another way to see Darrin.

    Crankshaft-The truth about how Flight 93 crashed.

  89. bbofun
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    FW- So, was Blessed St. Lisa an atheist, or something? Does she not realize she could actually pray, not just write it down?

    I said it before, but now i’m calling it- although Frankie won’t care about the journal, his chameleonic partner will- look at his face- he’s the only one without a scowl in panel two. He’s gonna quit, leaving Frankie all alone.

    ASM- “Well, I hear Spider-man’s gonna be there, too! And I have some pictures of him here in San Francisco!” What? Well, sure, yeah- it sure is strange that I’m always in the same city as Spider-Man, but there’s a good explanation for that. I’m- uh- I’m- oh, is that the time? Gotta go!”

    GT- Is it wrong I want the old guy to pull some Mr. Miyagi shit on these punks?

    RMMD- Okay, so is 5-year-old Sarah suppose to write these books, too? Or is she just going to be required to produce paintings on demand, for an unspecified number of books, on a regular schedule? I just want to know how much child abuse is actually going to happen here. (Understand, I don’t care- work liddle Sawah to death, please! I just want to know how long it will take.)

    JP- Okay, honestly- too many damn plotlines! It would have been fine to have the cruise be uneventful, resolve the kidnapping story, and get on to the wedding and whatever shenanigans are up with that! I mean, I knew the wedding wasn’t going to happen until at least September, but now I’m thinking we’ll be lucky if these stories are all resolved before Christmas!

    Pigporn- Internal inconsistancy alert (I’ve had the buzzer silenced, it was going off ALL THE TIME, but I saw the light flashing)- Penishead says the troll must not be killed because he has a wish left- but his very first wish was interrupted by being killed by video-girl after the Penii (see what I did there?) brought her into reality. The Penii then brought him back to life, saying the wish was implied. So wy can’t that happen now? Hmmmmmm?

  90. Illustrator Steve
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    Phantom – His ansestor must have attended NO MAN’S LAND’S 1st annual battlefront reinactment held in 1919 after the great war was over.

  91. PriceCheck
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    I’m pretty sure Crankshaft is able to read. So, rather than this being a poor gag about a senile old man accidentally opening the exit door instead of the lavatory, I imagine this is more about a desperate man who wishes to die, but once faced with the prospect of a fatal drop at 30000 feet is incapable of making that final jump that will free him from the inanity of this daily strip and the puns he is forced to make by its author forever.
    Also, everyone was sucked out of the cabin due to depressurization. Forget Lisa’s pregnancy storyline, it is this that establishes the comic as being in the Funkyverse.

  92. Spunde
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: It should have been the food service cart.

  93. Liam
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    Pearls Before Swine-Too soon.

  94. Illustrator Steve
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#15): I see plenty of potential for a GIMP version of today’s Phantom panel #2 hot air baloons that could includ Count Wierdly and Baker from Mark Trail. Unfortunatly I do not have that software so how about some help here?

  95. Not Just any Dipstick
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    @WeatherServo9 (#38): It would not be the wing. It would be the horizontal stabilizer that just cut him in half. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

  96. Sequitur
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#94):

    Flaming arrows! I want to see flaming arrows heading for those hydrogen-filled dirigibles!

  97. Dr. Moreau
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft’s face is not the one of a man who realizes he’s made a horrible mistake, confusing the large, impossible-to-open door clearly marked EXIT for the blessed sanctuary of the john. No, it’s the look of a man in the firm grip of senility, perpetually pained and uncomprehending. Which explains not only his current predicament but the fact that his shoe is untied.

  98. pugfuggly
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#58):

    A3G: “Speaking of getting mixed up, which is the salt and which is the sugar again? They’re both white…”

    I’d say Margo is the salt and Lu Ann is the sugar. Tommie is the corn starch. But yes, all very white.

    @bbofun (#89):

    [...]He’s gonna quit, leaving Frankie all alone.

    Then, I’m sure he’ll start start shaking his fist and yelling “Stop! You can’t do this to me! I’m Frankie! Frankie the football star! AaaaaAAAaaaAArrr!You damn kids and your video cameras…!” And at that point he’ll turn around, trip and fall into a giant pile of manure.

  99. seismic-2
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    @WeatherServo9 (#38): A strip depicting Crankshaft out on the plane’s wing would be the worst possible “tribute” to the passing this week of Richard Matheson.

    So yeah, they’ll probably do it.

  100. Tom the Sailor Man
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#19): And DePaul & Ryan think a hydrogen gasbag will last ten seconds over No Man’s Land.

    Not only did he survive, he went on to write “9 Chickweed Lane”!

  101. Joe Blevins
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    Phantom: “The 19th Phantom wrote of a young balloonist with the same tattoo, Guran!” That sounds like either a ‘shroom-induced Flaming Lips lyric or the incredibly complicated password you’d need to get into an opium den.

    Judge Parker: A man’s hair should never match the pattern of his aloha shirt.

    Crankshaft: I like the nonchalance of the mustachioed guy in panel 2 with the “hmm, you don’t say” expression on his face. He knows to lean forward a little because as an ancillary background character this is his one chance of being seen. It’s like the most mellow photobombing ever.

    P.S. – Panel one of Crankshaft could easily be reused when the strip does its inevitable storyline about incontinence.

  102. Liam
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    JP-The judge is just upset because Audrey Harrison liked Les Moore’s book about murdered local television personality John Darling over the judge’s take on it.

  103. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën!
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    @Dale (#y233):
    “For whatever Baker is paying, wouldn’t he expect to have a guide?
    The guide would be in on the scam, but they can’t just shove the guy out the door and say, “Go hunting”.”

    Yes, that and the hunting season should be open for deer and he should have a license to hunt them. Otherwise, he’d be knowingly breaking the law himself!

    “As usual, the economics don’t make sense.”

    I totally agree!

  104. Liam
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft-I can’t wait for the crash investigators here that those are the last words are recorded just before the plane blew up in midair.

  105. Not Worth It
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft – I like this strip better the way I understood it before reading the comments here. In panel one, Cranky’s face contorts in horror and agony as his bowels erupt, causing him to make a mad dash for the bathroom. In panel two, we see that in his blind desperation, he has grabbed the wrong door, dooming everybody on the plane due to his decision to eat Taco Bell before flying. Tell me the first frame isn’t /way/ funnier as the face of a man realizing he’s having projectile diarrhea in his airplane seat!

  106. Sequitur
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    @Not Worth It (#106):

    Ewww.

    Funny, but…

    Ewww.

  107. pugfuggly
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    @Downpuppy (#42):

    Jesus, you weren’t kidding….one commenter has said that the phrase ‘with benefits’ is enough evidence to add Tiffany to the list of the strip’s confirmed non-virgins, which includes “Mom, Dad, Ann, Toni, and now Tiff”. I notice that Bwad doesn’t make the cut, which honestly just makes me feel sad.

  108. Red Ruffensor
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    I half expected to see ‘Shaft peeing in the little microwave. The one with the SNAKE button.

  109. Naked Bunny with a Whip
    June 27th, 2013 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    I’m completely distracted by that lamp in the first panel of The Phantom. How long can a shallow bowl like that stay alight with such an enormous flame, anyway?

  110. Vince M
    June 27th, 2013 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#73): Everything Mr. Baker knows about hunting he’s learned from Elmer Fudd.

  111. tallyHO
    June 27th, 2013 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    AlternaCrankshaft:

    “Sir! Let me help you! Because someone needs to close the door after you’ve jumped!”

  112. Sequitur
    June 27th, 2013 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#112):

    If Da ‘Shaft jumped he would survive by landing in a huge haystack and find the needle.

  113. Dood
    June 27th, 2013 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    The Phantom: Is Guran’s “!!” translated from the Bandar tongue?

    By the way, the year being wrong, is that your 19th Phantom break-down, Josh?

  114. Dr. P and the Women
    June 27th, 2013 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    ‘Shaft – So Crankshaft is dead now, right? They didn’t draw him walking up to the door and scaring the other passengers, he OPENED it. I’m going to be optimistic and assume this is the penultimate Crankshaft strip. The final one will be an impromptu party breaking out at his funeral, naturally. Pretty bold direction for the author to take this, I must say!

  115. Amos Snarkadder
    June 27th, 2013 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    MW: I liked Elinor better when she was a sour old bitch.

    A3G: “I got mixed up.”
    What, like 30 years ago?

    FW: Write, pray, smirk

  116. Lanfranc
    June 27th, 2013 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    A-3G – Wait, wait. The A-3G “governor” of “New York” (I remain unconvinced this is happening in the real world, and not in some bizarre Truman Show-esque parallel world) is named Peter Russo? Do Shulock & Bolle watch House of Cards? Is that an easter egg? An omen?

    JP – I hope this ends up with Alan Parker exploiting all his privilege and connections to get this reviewer fired, and the entire Internet blowing up in his face over it. That would be sort of fun.

  117. walt d.
    June 27th, 2013 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    FW: I love the way that Jessie, on rare occasions, takes a break from being an airhead and puffs herself up like an angry chicken.

    FW: If I lie and says that’s a really great ending, can we eliminate the celebratory week of group smirking and go directly to the next story?

    FW: Be a man, Frankie. Don your black hat, knock the dust of Cancerville from your boots, and ride out of town. If you go all Oprah on me I will be even more annoyed at Batiuk than I am now.

  118. Two out of Three Shrugs Match, No DQ
    June 27th, 2013 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#yy266):

    ” the most physically unlikely wrestler since Andy Kaufman.”

    I might have voted for Drew Carey:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Royal_Rumble_%282001%29

    Or David Arquette, who even got a championship out of it

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Arquette

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Arquette

  119. Shrug, Now With 25% More Truthiness!
    June 27th, 2013 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    @greghousesgf (#y162):

    “oh, and yelling BOO at people with hiccups doesn’t work either.”

    Next you’ll be claiming that a duck’s quack DOES echo. Is there no folk wisdom left in which we can believe?

    /////QUACK!

    ///////////////////////////////////…quack…

  120. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 27th, 2013 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#94): workin. . . .

    ok, how’s this?

    :-)

  121. S. Stout
    June 27th, 2013 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#63):

    Can you explain the clouds, then?

  122. Shrug, Nipping at Your Nose
    June 27th, 2013 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    @Mr O’Malley (#y182):

    “I don’t know if that ugly new wing has scared the chestnut vendors away.”

    But don’t they roast them in the open foyer?

  123. seismic-2
    June 27th, 2013 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    Now, will Mr. Baldy McVideo pull out his video that he shot last week, showing Frankie reading excerpts from his own high school diary, that he’s kept all these years, to remind him of his quarterback glory days: “Man, the new chick in school Lisa is really fast! I wanted to have a good time, drinking and maybe making out, but she just couldn’t wait to pull me into the back of the van and start going at it! What a wild woman!”

    Diary vs. Diary, a new reality show coming this fall to the Westview public access channel.

  124. tallyHO
    June 27th, 2013 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    Blondie:
    So is that lady telling Blondie that she was once a lonely caterer who spontaneously decided to join that guy’s harem? His Polygamy Cult? One man and all the women who cater to his every whim?

  125. Sequitur
    June 27th, 2013 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    @S. Stout (#122):

    I thought about those clouds and figured they were part of Crankshaft’s pissing on the ground and causing steam to rise. Besides, Crankshaft falling backwards is causing the plane to tilt.

    This is Crankshaft. Any dang fool thing is possible.

  126. Shrug, Throwing Another Cherry Tree on the Barby
    June 27th, 2013 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (#y221):

    “I’d watch a production of “George!” with an Aussie George Washington.”

    Hey, if Yahoo Serious can play Einstein. . . .

    I really see George Washington as more of a part for Barry McKenzie, though. “Hold up this Delaware crossing thing, mates, gotta chunder…”

  127. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 27th, 2013 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    @Two out of Three Shrugs Match, No DQ (#119): my money would be on Drew Carey over Jay Leno.

  128. Ian Beste
    June 27th, 2013 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#74): That was a Pink Floyd number back in the day, IIRC. In their early trippy days, as opposed to their later bummed-out period. Heavy.

  129. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    June 27th, 2013 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    Crank: Umm, hey Batiuk…….if Crank had actually opened the door like that, he and everyone not wearing a seatbelt would have been blown out of the plane. Also, the pressure drop would be so quick, there would be a fog instantly forming inside the cabin, alarms would be going off, and oxygen masks would be dropping. Otherwise…..I guess he is still illiterate.

    FW: Blah blah blah blah blah……..like this is supposed to make Frankie go away. Yeah.

    Luann: “Friends with benefits”…….in the Luannverse, that’s nothing more than a few more “tee-hee’s”.

    MW: …aaaaand the white head swells up!

    RMMD: ……NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! STOP IT!!!!!! STOP IT!!!!!! STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP!!!!!!!

  130. walt d.
    June 27th, 2013 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    Pajama Diaries (yesterday): I usually mildly grumble when I run across male bashing in the comics. (I grumble a lot.) But in this case I thought it was both funny and dead on. Times change, obviously. But if a presentable 13 year old bikinied girl had thrown herself at me when I was 13,14. I probably would have acted stupidly too.
    PD (today): “Filling out” is a very generous description.

    Crankshaft (yesterday): “I LOVE a man who can make me laugh!”

    DtM: It’ll pass, George. This idea was done best in a week long trip by Dennis and Joey to the farm. “I know I’m homesick when I start missin’ ol’ Margaret.”

  131. Little Guy
    June 27th, 2013 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    StripeyPants Captain Blackadder is actually the 19th Phantom.

  132. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 27th, 2013 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    …the Phantom thinks World War I was still happening in 1919

    Current Phantom makes a natural mistake. Armistice was in 1918, of course — though little bits of WWI kept sputtering on in Eastern Europe, Russia and the Mideast for years — but WWI Phantom didn’t make the diary entry until 1919. It was over a year before he got demobbed and was able to make it back to Africa.

  133. Ghost Who Shrugs
    June 27th, 2013 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    The Phantom is not saying that this guy *DID* fly over No Man’s Land in 1919 in a Zeppelin, only that his ancestor, the 19th Phantom, “SAW” him do so. The Phantom family by that time had already had centuries to cultivate and harvest only the very finest African locoweed.

    The only wonder is that half a dozen previous and subsequent Phantoms, a.k.a. Ghost Who Tokes, didn’t also see it. With clowns and snakes and giant spiders.

    ///”Have you ever *looked* at a Zeppelin? I mean, really *looked*, man….?”

  134. Sequitur
    June 27th, 2013 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    @Ghost Who Shrugs (#134):

    If this were 9CL you’d see the Zeppelin entering a hanger.

  135. Liam
    June 27th, 2013 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft-I guess Cranky couldn’t handle the in flight movie.

  136. walt d.
    June 27th, 2013 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    FW: So, if this is the big finish, and a person happened to miss the one daily and the one panel in which Jeff and Lisa alleged Frankie’s violent behavior, that person would be left wondering after several months following this story, so what’s the BFD?

    FW: A TV reality show in which people tied by blood or sexual behavior are at odds? Naw, that would never work. Just as it’s never worked in film, on stage, in literature, etc.

    FW: Friday and Saturday should be Darin saying, “Okay, now that that’s out of the way, what kind of deal are you offering? I’m tired of Step-dad Les making all the money off this.”

    FW: You want documented violence? I can show you a strip of Bull leaving Les on the asphalt in a condition just this side of Beetle Bailey. With about twenty witnesses. Of course that violence was supposed to be funny.

  137. Baka Gaijin
    June 27th, 2013 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#5) on Judge Parker: I feel the same way about…you-know-whats.

    @nescio (#11): COTW contender!

    @Écureuil Écumant (#19): A hydrogen gasbag. Why are you dragging Mary Worth into this conversation?

    @pugfuggly (#30) on Spiderman: I’d buy a few hundred copies of that paper myself. Hell, if JJJ, Jr. made it all EVILSCARYCLOWN-PUNCHING, all the time, I’d subscribe.

  138. Marc
    June 27th, 2013 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    Luann- Can’t wait for Quill to go back to his room so he can Skype with Luann, tell her all about his day, then they can make fun of that stupid tramp whore slut bitch Tiffany for daring to be open about what she wants. That’ll teach her.

  139. Dood
    June 27th, 2013 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    Judge Parker: Who’s the editor of Book Day, Sarah Morgan?

  140. Dennis Jimenez
    June 27th, 2013 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#140): Ian “Chinbeard/Stuffed Shirt” Cameron….

  141. Shrug Will Keep Us Together
    June 27th, 2013 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    JUDGE PARKER: The only way I can wrap my head around the claim that “she’s a professor at both Princeton and Yale” is to assume that Audrey Harrison is the world’s most brilliant, and most stretchy, pair of Siamese Twins.

  142. Ian Beste
    June 27th, 2013 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#135): And then holding hands with another Zeppelin.

  143. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    June 27th, 2013 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    Tethered artillery observation balloons didn’t actually *fly over no man’s land*, of course. They stayed on their side of the trenches. The only Zeppelins which were used over the trenches were Imperial German Army Schütte-Lanz airships much earlier in the war.

    There was a war in Eat Africa too, where General von Lettow-Vorbeck led the British Empire a merry dance from 1914 through 1918. But that war had no trenches and no no-man’s land.

  144. The Gremlin on the Wing
    June 27th, 2013 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    “Hey, do you mind? A little privacy? Sure, I’m just trying to rip this wing apart and crash the airplane and kill everyone on it, but how does that justify you guys threating to inflict Crankshaft on me?”

  145. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    June 27th, 2013 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    JP: You know, if this reviewer is a professor at both Princeton and Yale, odds favor her being an adjunct professor working two (or more) campuses in an attempt to put together a living wage. No wonder she’s reviewing the Judge’s miserable book; she needs the money for groceries.

  146. Baka Gaijin
    June 27th, 2013 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    @Not Just any Dipstick (#98): That is so wrong yet so funny.

    @Tom the Sailor Man (#101): Touché!

    @Not Worth It (#106): Yeah, I believe it. I also believe I’ve sat in that seat on a subsequent flight. I think it was a Braniff aircraft.

    @S. Stout (#122): The clouds are part of a billboard for Windows 95′s introduction.

    @tallyHO (#125): Ha ha! I see what you did there.

  147. Poteet
    June 27th, 2013 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#28): Wow, there’s a lot I don’t know about turtles. And tortoises.

  148. ...in what for the sake of what I shall call an argument I shall call Shrug. . .
    June 27th, 2013 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#61):

    “Don’t worry, Crankshaft, the ground below will break your fall.”

    ******************

    “I wonder if it will be friends with me…”

    Later:

    Round the outside of the crater the sloping ground was covered with pink and red lumps. They stopped and looked at a piece. It was wet. It was rubbery. With delight, they suddenly realized it was fresh Crankshaftmeat.

  149. walt d.
    June 27th, 2013 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#146): I read the book devoted to the miserable life of an adjunct. Your conjecture makes perfect sense. And money for gas travelling between the two schools, don’t forget that.

  150. seismic-2
    June 27th, 2013 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#146): And the cost of train fares! That’s quite a commute between classes. She probably lives in NYC and commutes to Yale and Princeton from there. Maybe she works in the publishing industry in New York. Maybe Margo Magee is her publicist, which is why no one has ever heard of her.

  151. Poteet
    June 27th, 2013 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    CRANKSHAFT — Thanks to misinformation about the boarding time for a much-delayed plane, I was forced to relieve myself two days ago in the most filthy and disgusting airplane bathroom I’ve ever seen. So my theory is that Crankshaft was on a similar plane and couldn’t bring himself to believe that the horrible facility facing him when he opened the little folding door really was the bathroom he would have to use, so he frantically tried another door, any other door. That doesn’t mean I sympathize with him, however. I think it would be kinda cool if the next few days showed his changing facial expressions as he falls to his death.

  152. Downpuppy
    June 27th, 2013 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#108): My favorite part is where one made a silly list of virgins & got lots of serious responses. I’m horribly tempted to go in there see what Luann fans will bite on, but, too easy.

  153. Poteet
    June 27th, 2013 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#146): Now you’ve got me hoping that Adjunct will negotiate a big fat cash bribe to ghost-write a glowing review of the crappy book under another name. Emphasis on big fat.

  154. seismic-2
    June 27th, 2013 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    Now that Ed Crankshaft will be added to the TSA “No Fly” list, can the school board finally add him to the “No Drive” list, too? And can this strip be added to the “No Read” list, for newspapers across America?

  155. walt d.
    June 27th, 2013 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Went to read the strip, prompted by the “friends with privileges” line. There’s like 150 comments already. The first ten were quite enough. One of them said he/she hoped Tiff didn’t know what it meant. Hoh, boy. Assuming the phrase is even used anymore, I would guess if you’re old enough to know there’s such a thing as sex, you’ve got a pretty good idea, even if you had never heard the expression. Quill, there are girls in Australia, right? Why on earth aren’t you there?

    Luann: Why would anyone read this strip other than to make fun of it, unless she were 15 or less? And kids don’t read comics. I have some relatives who are middle-school and junior high who not only don’t read comics, they don’t even know the names.

  156. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 27th, 2013 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    I will snark on comics today, if it kills me. On the other hand, all I’ve got is sex, neurosis, sluts, and other comics besides 9 Chickweed Lane and Luann. Maybe if we put some sex, neurosis and/or sluts in Mary Worth’s self-congratulatory display of onanism. No? Dammit! What a week to use up my one-liners on Supreme Court decisions…

  157. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 27th, 2013 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#154): In my experience, the only connection between “big, fat” and “adjunct” is our bellies. [Pats stomach with self-satisfaction.]

  158. Uncle Lumpy
    June 27th, 2013 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#108):

    By Luann‘s immutable Law of the Lips, only Nancy, Ann, Toni, and Tiffany have ever had sex. Sorry, Frank — they’re not your kids.

  159. seismic-2
    June 27th, 2013 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#157): > Maybe if we put some sex, neurosis and/or sluts in Mary Worth’s self-congratulatory display of onanism.

    “Thanks to you, Mary, I’m marrying the love of my life!”
    “Yes, Mary, I approve! Your reputation for good advice is certainly warranted! Can we be friends with benefits?”

  160. Baka Gaijin
    June 27th, 2013 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    MESSAGE TO “THE POPE”: When you read the first slightly negative Amazon review of “The Enthusiast,” please don’t turn into Josh Pissyface. It’s just not a good look for you. [*]

    Damn. There’s more kissing up to Mary Worth than to a dominatrix at a submissives convention.

  161. Dood
    June 27th, 2013 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    Judge Parker: You know, if the judge keeps this up, Katherine’s zeppelins are going to become no man’s land.

  162. kingklash
    June 27th, 2013 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    Can tomorrow’s Crankshaft be just one panel: an impact crater with him at the bottom?

  163. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 27th, 2013 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    I don’t know what’s more impressive about today’s Moose and Molly: the freakish determination that would produce such a demented Rube-Goldberg-crossed-with-Benny-Hill contraption to eliminate a single mole, that Chester[?] is not played by Bill Murray, or the sneaking suspicion that this is somehow a micro-level representation of the chthonic theodicy working itself out on the macro scale in The Family Circus. Jeffy is a cruel God indeed.

  164. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 27th, 2013 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#160): Is that what Tiffany will look like when she grows up? It explains so much![*]

  165. Peanut Gallery
    June 27th, 2013 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#144):

    There was a war in Eat Africa too

    You can’t fool me! Eat Africa is a food concession at Epcot.

  166. Alison
    June 27th, 2013 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    “Luann”: How hard would it be for Quill to say, “Look, Tiffany, the thing is, I’m seeing Luann.”? Apparently very, very, very, very, very hard, since he cannot seem to do this, even though he’s had plenty of opportunity.

    “Crankshaft”: What I hate is when something is serious most of the time and then suddenly throws in an impossible scenario for a cheap laugh (such as Crankshaft opening a door mid-flight). Either be campy and crazy, or be serious, or at least have a 50/50 mix. Don’t do one 90% of the time and then the other 10% of the time. It doesn’t mesh.

    “Mary Worth”: Blah blah blah MARY WORTH HAS GREAT ADVICE blah blah blah. Why does every “MW” storyline in history have to end like this?

  167. Ian Beste
    June 27th, 2013 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#144): Some histories say that the Imperial German high command toyed with the idea of using zeppelins as transport vehicles to supply the German troops in East Africa. Didn’t matter–Lettow-Vorbeck kept the Allies on a merry chase right up to the end, obtaining many of his supplies from the enemy troops he defeated.

  168. AhClem
    June 27th, 2013 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    NEWS FLASH: A Westview Airlines Boeing 737 made an emergency landing in Detroit today after a cabin door opened in flight, depressurizing the airplane. Several passengers were treated at area hospitals for various respiratory ailments. Airline officials could not be reached for comment when it was revealed that, due to budget cuts and profit skimming, the emergency oxygen system had been removed from the aircraft prior to the flight. The NTSB is investigating.

    Oh, and some miserable old guy died when he fell out of the plane and landed in Lake Erie.

  169. Calico
    June 27th, 2013 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    CS – so unrealistic…
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83Ognz8SCKE
    RIP to the flight attendant who lost her life.

    Eric Orner did a similar thing with Ethan Green and a guy (Peter the veterinarian?)
    in an airplane B-room, but Ethan only put his foot through the toilet – even so, that most likely would have been worse in real life…

  170. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 27th, 2013 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#159): By Luann‘s immutable Law of the Lips, only Nancy, Ann, Toni, and Tiffany have ever had sex.

    Don’t forget Rosa, Gunther’s new girlfriend.

    Evans needed someone with experience to play the part, as Gunther could only be paired off with a woman forward enough, and lacking in self-confidence enough, to pursue him agressively. I assume she qualified for the beak-lips of lustfulness long before she met him – maybe by going into the back of a VW van with the QB of the football team, or something equally slutty.

  171. Occam
    June 27th, 2013 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    The Phantom seems to take place in an alternate history, from what I can tell.

  172. Liam
    June 27th, 2013 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    Gasoline Alley-I want to see the Professor come at Slim with a knife.

    Gil Thorp-So this is what Milford students do after losing the championship game.

  173. Liam
    June 27th, 2013 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    Spiderman-So Jameson is saying that he doesn’t want a revolution?

  174. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 27th, 2013 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#166): @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#144): Oceania has always been at war with EatAfrica.

  175. Cloudbuster
    June 27th, 2013 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    @…in what for the sake of what I shall call an argument I shall call Shrug. . . (#149): “I wonder if it will be friends with me…”

    Excellent use of that reference! :)

  176. Cloudbuster
    June 27th, 2013 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#13): Constance is a person, right?

    Oh, yes. She’s the Judge’s publicist and she has a couple great qualifications.

  177. Liam
    June 27th, 2013 at 3:36 pm [Reply]

    Phantom-”My ancestor saw him fly over No Man’s Land! Of course the guy was in several pieces after stepping on a mine.”

  178. Droopy Says
    June 27th, 2013 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#71): I don’t know about DC Comics and their WW I stories, but Eddie Rickenbacker and Clayton Knight had a strip about Great War aces:

    http://acepilots.com/wwi/wehner.jpg

    And it’s really cool to see how many ‘mudges know so much about that war.

  179. Sequitur
    June 27th, 2013 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#173):

    Gasoline Alley-I want to see the Professor come at Slim with a knife.

    Maybe he’ll go after Slim with a Spanish bayonet.

    Dem suckers be pointy and sharp!

  180. Sequitur
    June 27th, 2013 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#174):

    Spiderman-So Jameson is saying that he doesn’t want a revolution?

    Jameson is revoluting enough.

  181. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    June 27th, 2013 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

  182. Victory Garden
    June 27th, 2013 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: what the ACTUAL fuck …

    Is this a setup for a Superman crossover?

  183. Something Witty
    June 27th, 2013 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    Now I see the reason the universe is always letting the Parker’s win: when they lose, they are complete and utter shits.

  184. Uncle Lumpy
    June 27th, 2013 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#161):

    There’s more kissing up to Mary Worth than to a dominatrix at a submissives convention.

    I’m curious how you know this. Not the Mary Worth part.

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#171):

    Don’t forget Rosa, Gunther’s new girlfriend.

    Yes of course, how could I forget Rosa “la Puta” Ramera?

  185. Stantheman
    June 27th, 2013 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

    Funky Winkenheimer – …and yet, Frankie, a woman-beating possible rapist, STILL remains the most likeable character in the strip.

  186. Sequitur
    June 27th, 2013 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#185):

    @Baka Gaijin (#161):

    There’s more kissing up to Mary Worth than to a dominatrix at a submissives convention.

    I’m curious how you know this. Not the Mary Worth part.

    You’d be surprised at the places he’s had to duck into to escape EVILSCARYCLOWNS!

  187. Dale
    June 27th, 2013 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    @the REAL Mark Trail (#64):

    I got the intimidation idea immediately.
    But, is Baker to assume that he will be held prisoner until he agrees to pay the additional $1000?
    Unless Baker is from outside the US, he has his own rifle. He wouldn’t be using a loaner from the lodge for a deer hunt.

  188. Mr. Yezpitelok
    June 27th, 2013 at 5:05 pm [Reply]

    Shoe: Roz’s Botox “joke” causes her friend/victim to react with the strip’s tried and true google-eyes-of-horror. No wonder the straight woman in today’s Shoe is complaining about her treatment not working.

  189. Zerowolf
    June 27th, 2013 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

    @Stantheman (#186): Nope, Frankie gets knocked down to the second most likeable character in the strip. First place goes to Buddy the service dog.

  190. Zerowolf
    June 27th, 2013 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    FW: If writing is like praying, Batiuk better invest in some eternal asbestos underwear.

  191. Odie Odo
    June 27th, 2013 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#189):

    I think you mean goggle-eyes-of-horror. Or did Barney Google make a guest appearance in today’s Shoe?

  192. Zerowolf
    June 27th, 2013 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: Ever wonder why you spend so much time in the exam room waiting… waiting… waiting… now you know.

  193. Zerowolf
    June 27th, 2013 at 5:20 pm [Reply]

    Love is: Wet dreams.

  194. Mr. Yezpitelok
    June 27th, 2013 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    @Odie Odo (#192): Rookie mistake. Please don’t tell Nehemiah Scudder…

  195. Zerowolf
    June 27th, 2013 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

    JP: Both Princeton and Yale? Good that means she’s adjunct and doesn’t have tenure. When I’m through with her she won’t be able to get a job at either McDonalds or Burger King. I’ll show this Audrey Harrison person not to fuck with a Parker-Spencer-Driver!

  196. Droopy Says
    June 27th, 2013 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#185): Whoah, did Evans really name that character “Ramera?” Spanish for “slut” or “whore?”

  197. laila
    June 27th, 2013 at 5:32 pm [Reply]

    JP: There are fifteen-year-old girls writing self-insert fanfiction who react more graciously to criticism than this.

  198. Sequitur
    June 27th, 2013 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    A3G: I’ll tell you what’s got me mixed up. Why is there a handle on the side of that refrigerator.

  199. Mysterion
    June 27th, 2013 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

    Actually, Ed Crankshaft would not be sucked out of the cabin — he would be blown out. (It’s easy to get “sucks” and “blows” mixed up when talking about Crankshaft.)

  200. Liam
    June 27th, 2013 at 5:52 pm [Reply]

    MW-”Remember to offer your first born child as a sacrifice to me and to name the second born after me.”

  201. walt d.
    June 27th, 2013 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#177): If only I could count on at least one comic a day making me laugh this hard.

  202. Damien
    June 27th, 2013 at 6:09 pm [Reply]

    That Crankshaft strip works even better backwards. Apart from the text.

  203. thegatwickview
    June 27th, 2013 at 6:18 pm [Reply]

    Faulty Winkerbean: So what’s the point of her wishing her child never seeing the father and there he is, standing in front of his father? I don’t understand modern art.

  204. seismic-2
    June 27th, 2013 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

    FW: Darin can’t just show Lisa’s diary to Frankie. He has to show Frankie a video of Summer reading Lisa’s diary. That makes it official and legally binding.

  205. Majicou
    June 27th, 2013 at 6:45 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#35): Seven apples on the witch’s tree…
    Oh, wait, wrong apple-obsessed animal girl.

  206. Droopy Says
    June 27th, 2013 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#205): It makes me wonder who Frankie will assault. Will it be his bio-son? Or his wife, I-Am-The-Daughter-Of-My-Father, who taped the reading? Or will he control his temper long enough to hunt down Summer, thereby giving Creepy Les a personal involvement?

  207. Uncle Lumpy
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:39 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#197):

    Whoah, did Evans really name that character “Ramera?” Spanish for “slut” or “whore?”

    No, I did. Her “real” name is Aragones.

  208. Uncle Lumpy
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:44 pm [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean — Yeah. “Oh my gosh, my son’s half-sister read his dead mom’s wish that I not be involved with his life. I’d better give up my plan to document our reunion, because mumble mumble mumble … Saint Lisa!”

  209. Mr. Yezpitelok
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:44 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Brevity is BEERY FUNNY:

    http://www.gocomics.com/brevity/2013/06/27

  210. seismic-2
    June 27th, 2013 at 7:45 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#208): > Her “real” name is Aragones.

    And if she doesn’t apply the Nair to her upper lip three times a day, she starts to look like Sergio.

  211. Kinghasnoclothes
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

    Luann : Again, why are the women in this strip horny and the males have the sex-drives of low-t old men? A case of write what you know?

  212. Droopy Says
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#208): I see. That would explain why the gocomics fans didn’t write posts warning Gunther about the evil female creature.

  213. Baka Gaijin
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:44 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#185): Sequitur got it at #187. And I live in Europe.

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#210): Thanks for pointing out that strip. Is it often this clever?

  214. FOOBed again
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:52 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#13): Constance is the young woman talking to Alan Parker in this post. (You have to scroll down a ways.)

  215. Amos Snarkadder
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:54 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#116):

    MW: I liked Elinor better when she was a sour old bitch.

    Now, that’s better!

  216. cheech wizard
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:56 pm [Reply]

    @FOOBed again (#215): So this means Constance is coming back? Good. We need some fresh T&A in this strip. Never thought I’d say that about Judge Parker.

  217. Uncle Lumpy
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:56 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#214):

    And I live in Europe.

    What, they don’t have dominatrices in Europe? Not what I hear!

  218. Uncle Lumpy
    June 27th, 2013 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

    Aha, I get it — Europe is nonstop dominatrices! You got a couch I could crash on?

  219. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:21 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#195): Rookie mistake. Please don’t tell Nehemiah Scudder…

    What what what?! What foolish mortal dares summon Nehemiah Scudder?! I was at a party, dammit!

    Oh. Google eyes. No, that’s ok. Barney himself has goo-goo-googley eyes.

    // You’re welcome. Can I go now?

  220. walt d.
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:23 pm [Reply]

    JP: I just noticed that Katherine here looks just like Sophie when Sophie is in a “How dare you oppose my wishes, bitch?” mood. Or maybe I could tighten that up to: I just noticed that Katherine here looks just like Sophie. Must be the makeup.

    JP: I’m a little upset about a development in which I am beginning to empathize just a little with a trophy wife. Any takers on the judge having a brain tumor which is causing his surly behavior? My impression is that the principals in this strip are supposed to be fairly decent people, once you overlook their wealth and enlarged sense of entitlement.

    Crankshaft: This may be the first Crankshaft I’ve seen in which he’s on the short end of a situation and realizes it. By and large he just sails through his strip being an asshole without consequence to him.

  221. jim, some guy in iowa
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    @walt d. (#221): weirdly enough, I *like* Katherine – but then I like Cayla in FW too. She’s been dealing with an increasingly irritable judge for quite a while so she *should* look kind of irritated herself. I think you’re right about the brain tumor- or something like that – I imagine all this will come out at the Aztec cancer clinic

  222. damanoid
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:34 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft’s stupid mistake kills everyone on board the plane, creating a chronal rift between the past and present Winkerbean continuities that radiates outward to other strips. In ‘The Phantom,’ European history is rewritten. In ‘Judge Parker,’ the characters are horrified to learn that their endeavors suddenly do not invariably succeed. Spider-Man is erased from existence; no one notices. ‘Heathcliff’ becomes ‘Garbage Ape.’ Strips across the comics page are suddenly funny on purpose. The world enters a new age of peace and harmony. ‘The Comics Curmudgeon’ turns into a My Little Pony fansite.

  223. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:35 pm [Reply]

    C-Shaft: First of all, what the fuck? They did a whole storyline on Crankshaft learning to read. Second of all, some air marshal needs to be fired with extreme prejudice.

    JP: You know, I would hope that editors have some kind of protocol for angry authors who demand the personal info of their book’s critics. Like saying “no” for example.

  224. cheech wizard
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:37 pm [Reply]

    @walt d. (#221): A trophy wife, eh? Maybe that’s the type of add-on Big Mike is referring to in Mark Trail. He’s not a poacher – he’s a pimp.

  225. Government Cheese
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:37 pm [Reply]

    Luann: “Now retire to your room for a brief respite before the welcome dinner! Adieu! I hope you enjoy roasted feces! Oh yes!”

    Luann 2: “Friends with benefits? In that we touch hands and that’s it?”

  226. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:38 pm [Reply]

    MW: Elinor’s crooked evil grin is something to behold. Whatever words come out of her mouth, she’s really saying, “Be careful turning your ignition, Mary.”

    FW: “Hey kid, don’t look at me. I don’t answer prayers. Blame God.”

    Archie: Between the Dutch angles, the huge sweatdrops, and the bizarre head/shoulders reflection in the store window, I think I know who Archie is. He’s a character in a Fritz Lang movie who just killed someone.

    GT: “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Anger gives me gas.”

    Blondie: Don’t all funny stories have alienation of affection lawsuits in them?

  227. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:41 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#209): I must now leave Earth for no raisin!

  228. cheech wizard
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:42 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#224): Nah. What you’re forgetting is that Crankshaft is of an older generation that regards formal toilet facilities as non-essential niceties. So rather than tie up the sole lav that might be needed by a lady, ol’ Ed just decided to wing it out the back door – just like he does at home.

    (True story. My grandfather, born in the late 1800s and who died when I was still a preschooler, insisted on using the outhouse into his 90s, long after indoor plumbing has been installed. He regarded indoor toilets as a wasteful accommodation to women’s delicate natures.)

  229. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:42 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Total stasis. Not only is Tiffany making another doomed attempt to seduce the gay Australian, but Evans seems to have only made one drawing of the drama teacher, reusing it once or twice every day.

    SFx: Bob Weber, Jr. presents “The Lonely Death of a Plugger.”

    Marvin: If dad vomited on him right now the sick little fuck would think it was a standing ovation.

    Lockhorns: Loretta knows what it’s like to be dead. She knows what it is to be sad.

    A3G: Lu Ann get mixed up? That’s unpossible!

  230. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 27th, 2013 at 9:46 pm [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#229): I guess if you grow up without indoor plumbing it might seem like a little much. That’s probably more true of rural people of a certain generation than city folk.

    In any case, Crankshaft whizzing out the back door would be another source or mortification for his daughter, so I can see it.

  231. jim, some guy in iowa
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#231): why do you suppose Crankshaft was so upset about that tree a while back? Maybe there’s a Very Special “Crankshaft gets busted for indecent exposure” arc coming up.

    His co-workers have always been mystified, and his daughter mortified, by him saying, “welp, gotta water the ol’ elm” whenever he heads for the bathroom.

  232. Huckleberry Fink
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:22 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#214):

    Brevity has more hits than misses. And it’s by Dan “Rip Haywire” Thompson!

  233. Droopy Says
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:35 pm [Reply]

    @jim, some guy in iowa (#222): I hope Alan Parker’s brain doesn’t come out. That would only free up more room for his ego.

  234. Huckleberry Fink
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:40 pm [Reply]

    @jim, some guy in iowa (#232):

    The Very Special “Crankshaft gets busted for indecent exposure” arc will be preceded by a “Crankshaft gets Dutch elm disease in his wooden leg” arc. Despite Ed not having a wooden leg (or even a woody).

    But not to worry — Crankshaft’s elm bark beetle is worse than its bite.

  235. Sgt. Stoned
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    Phantom: I guess it depends on where “No Man’s Land” is. I believe that in 1919 the Western imperiaists were still invading the nascent Soviet Union, so perhaps that is where the “balloons” were seen.

  236. Huckleberry Fink
    June 27th, 2013 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#227): Fritz Lang’s “AAAA” stars Archie Andrews as a serial killer who preys on recovering alcoholics.

  237. Joe Btfsplk
    June 27th, 2013 at 11:00 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft can open the door midflight because it’s all a dream. He will most likely spend at least tomorrow and possibly the whole weekend plummeting to his death with his life flashing before him or some crap like that, before Batiuk wakes him up.

    No, I haven’t seen Friday’s strip yet; I’m just calling it, with a great deal of confidence.

  238. Droopy Says
    June 27th, 2013 at 11:05 pm [Reply]

    @Sgt. Stoned (#236): That’s one possibility. The odd thing is that none of these soldiers are armed, or are carrying packs, or have clearly-defined collars, or show any insignia, so it’s impossible to say which army they represent. You’d expect to find American balloons over American lines, but then again AEF balloonists had the good sense to stay behind the lines and at least 1,000 feet above the ground.

  239. greghousesgf
    June 27th, 2013 at 11:21 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#211): At least Sergio is a talented cartoonist!

  240. Droopy Says
    June 27th, 2013 at 11:26 pm [Reply]

    The Asinine Spiderman: “Yeah? How do you know this, Parker? It’s not like your a reporter who can gather the facts!”

    Family Circus: Thel resigns herself to the neighborhood drinking schedule, in which one mother stays sober while the others unwind.

    Fizzled Fuckoffbean: No way is this the end. Aside from the fact that you can’t end a story unless you have an actual story, Creepy Les hasn’t smirked yet.

    Mark Trail: Mike Harrison should watch it with his lowbrow comments.

    Phantom: It would be fun and imaginative if it turns out that yesterday’s “1919″ reference means that Ghost-Who-Indexes has to visit the past and cause the War to end in 1918, but, well, Phantom.

    Pluggers get pretentious as all hell when explaining away their lack of progress.

  241. seismic-2
    June 27th, 2013 at 11:37 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#242): I was thinking that same thing about Phantom, too. Referring to WWI trench warfare in 1919 is just too obvious an error for it not to be deliberate. I don’t believe we’ve ever seen Kit show an aptitude for changing history retroactively before, have we? Well, if he does indeed possess this talent, then it opens up plenty of other story lines for him. For instance, he could go back in time and prevent President Dewey from being assassinated.

  242. tallyHO
    June 27th, 2013 at 11:41 pm [Reply]

    A couple of things:
    It perturbs me to type the word “fun” into my browser and the first choice which pops up is “Funky Winkerbean”.

    Second, Who knew Paul Shaffer was the brains of the operation? I always thought it was Letterman who was in charge. If not Letterman then his Little Letterman was in charge.

    ZzzzziiiiIIIIIIinnnng!

    Zing a Zong/
    Zing out loud/
    Zing out strong/
    Zing of good things/
    Ohwhattheheck/
    Zing of bad things/
    Cuz that’s what zinging’s for!

  243. Government Cheese
    June 27th, 2013 at 11:43 pm [Reply]

    Luann: I just realized the drama camp director’s voice is probably just like Hedonismbot’s from Futurama.

    “I apologize for nothing!”

  244. Cloudbuster
    June 27th, 2013 at 11:44 pm [Reply]

    FW: Are you kidding me? When did Reality TV Show Director decide to grow a conscience? He had absolutely no problem stalking the angry, resentful son and his family, but now they come up with this over-the-top, made-for-Springer dramatic reading and he’s out of there? Are you serious? Arrghh! The power of St. Dead Lisa compels you!

  245. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 27th, 2013 at 11:49 pm [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#237): I see Mr. Weatherby as the most likely victim.

  246. seismic-2
    June 27th, 2013 at 11:52 pm [Reply]

    FW: The really galling thing is that this conflict between Dead Lisa of 25 years ago and Frowning Frankie of now, over whether he should ever meet the son who is in fact standing in front of him this very minute, is the only thing in this whole story that would in fact be compelling enough TV to be worth putting on the air in the first place.

  247. tallyHO
    June 27th, 2013 at 11:52 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#242):

    Pluggers get pretentious as all hell when explaining away their lack of progress.

    Don’t let them off that easy, Droopy.
    They are pretentious all the time.

    Lookitme! I’m a forelorn hounddog who is shagging a chicken instead of eating it off the bone!

    Lookitme! I’m so much better than you because I’m a full grown bear who never brings up hibernation and instead talks about how his vehicles have cinder blocks for wheels! Take that carbon neutrality and suck on it, Al Gore!

    No, Droopy, my friend. Pluggers think they are better than all of us, all of the time.

    They say things like, The only type of house alarm Pluggers need are the empties that are piled up in front of the back door!

    Grrrrr! Keep celebrating your alcoholism by partying on, Pluggers!

    Or, they say, Pluggers don’t worry about wild animal attacks, the lack of nutrition from our evening snacks or from unpatriotic bastiches who envy our mutant life existence that was derived from test tubes. Nope. We Pluggers worry about how child proof caps have become so much more adult proof that your average chicken lady, dog dude, bear bear gay guy, have problems opening it because our opposable thumbs are just for show!

  248. Dale
    June 27th, 2013 at 11:56 pm [Reply]

    The PHANTOM

    That’s a lot of balloon for a couple of guys in a basket.
    A hot air balloon would be a smaller target and not likely to burst into flames if hit.
    They aren’t dirigibles – no means of propulsion or steering.

  249. Droopy Says
    June 28th, 2013 at 12:00 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#243): Maybe there will be a time-travel element here. Earlier on, “the boy” mentioned his hero, Jean-Pierre Blanchard. Blanchard was a real person, an early balloonist who died in 1809:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean-Pierre_Blanchard

    It turns out that “Sic itur ad astra” was his motto, and at least one of his balloons had oars for propulsion (or at least attempted propulsion). There’s nothing about him being interested in time-travel or weird science, but, well, Phantom.

  250. Cloudbuster
    June 28th, 2013 at 12:04 am [Reply]

    A3G: This strip isn’t really trying to make much sense anymore, is it?

    MW: We all know that Tom’s life is going to be a living hell, right? And we also all know that in Mary Worth land, this is happily ever after time. You know, I understand that some strips, like The Appalling Spider-Man are written for kids, and don’t really try to be realistic, but Mary Worth is aimed at seniors who, by and large, are not that gullible, having lived a lifetime in the real world. How do the syndicates manage to find people like Moy who live in big cities, but act like they were raised on a desert island with only old Anne of Green Gables novels with which to understand human behavior? At least with Apartment 3-G I know Shulock spends her life cloistered in a remote rural compound, sneaking out to the mailbox to collect her syndicate check only after she’s very sure the mailman has gone. What’s Moy’s excuse?

  251. tallyHO
    June 28th, 2013 at 12:05 am [Reply]

    Okay, Comic Strip Spider-Man! This one time and probably only this one time, you win!

    That is the coolest yarmulke I’ve ever seen!

  252. tallyHO
    June 28th, 2013 at 12:06 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#253):

    Okay, sorry, Comic Strip Spider-Man. I need to revoke my accolades. It turns out that is the lamest dew nothing rag I’ve ever seen.

  253. tallyHO
    June 28th, 2013 at 12:09 am [Reply]

    The only explanation for the ambiguous gagline in Hi&Lois is that Lois got into Hi’s stash and is just chillin’ like a villain. Her neighbor-friend knows the score. This is likely because her husband sold Hi’s stash to him.

    Ka
    Ching!

  254. Droopy Says
    June 28th, 2013 at 12:10 am [Reply]

    @Dale (#250): Actually, it’s barely enough balloon for two men, their basket, their observation gear, and the weight of the balloon itself and its anchor cable:

    http://www.nationalmuseum.af.mil/factsheets/factsheet.asp?id=281

    (And part of the balloon’s interior would be a couple of bags that held air. These ballonets helped control the blimp’s attitude, and maintained pressure and rigidity in the hydrogen-inflated bag.)

  255. tallyHO
    June 28th, 2013 at 12:15 am [Reply]

    Snuffy Smif
    Weezy! It’s me, Weezy! Yer Mudder complainin’ from beyond the graaaave!

    I don’t blame you for not marrying that good-fer-nuttin, Barney Google, but hitching up with Snuffy? You done thrown yer life aways, girlie!

    Words of Wisdomizin’ From Mistopher Trendy

    I ain’t much o’ a believer in spirits.
    (crickets crickets)

    Aw, hell!
    Who am I kiddin’! Between stealin’ chickens and doing nuttin’, believin’ in spirits enough ta drink it constantly is wuts gets me thru tha day and the night!

    Suck it, Mudder-in-law. Weezy’s muh Squeezebox and Drunk Daddy don’ sleep at night! Hyuck hyuck!

  256. tallyHO
    June 28th, 2013 at 12:21 am [Reply]

    A3G: Everytime Margo says everything is perfect, I don’t take it as a lie. Instead, I notice Tommie is missing and worry that Margo made another blood sacrifice to get her through the summer.

    Mary Worth:

    Hmm. Today’s MW featured a guest appearance by that Norce myth of the serpent that straddles the Earth. Given recent decisions by the Supreme Court, today the serpent is decked out in purple and he’s just circling around and around and a….

    Oh, that just means MW isn’t loading? My bad. Onward and upward then.

  257. Cloudbuster
    June 28th, 2013 at 12:25 am [Reply]

    MT: Just FYI, I’ve never spotlighted deer, but I have walked around on my ranch and in the wilderness in the dark. The outdoors is a pretty big place. Even with a spotlight, you can’t just find a trophy buck on-demand. I’d imagine if you’re spotlighting, you’d wait in an open field or clearing where deer are known to congregate rather than blundering around through the woods, but there’s not a trophy buck in every herd. Trying to hike through the woods swinging a bright light around is noisy and disruptive. It would probably be easier, all-in-all, to run a “legitimate” lodge where you put out a lot of salt licks, corn and scent markers so you get deer reliably showing up so you can shoot them without having to traipse around the woods or fields in the middle of the night.

    Also, didn’t this start out with otter traps? Trophy otters? What interest would “Phony Big Game Lodge” have in otters?

  258. tallyHO
    June 28th, 2013 at 12:25 am [Reply]

    Now, I ain’t nothin but a country mushroom muncher. But, I don’t think my eyes deceive me. Heathcliff and his boy Someday are waiting for the least profitable pizza delivery ever.

    Either the guy throws the pie like a frisbee and just sails off without getting paid or He has to walk back to work while dragging a hang glider.

    It must be another delivery from Pizza Whhhhuuuaaat?!?

  259. tallyHO
    June 28th, 2013 at 12:27 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#257):

    A Norse is a Norse, of course, of course.

    I neglected to utilize my spellcheck.

  260. Cloudbuster
    June 28th, 2013 at 12:31 am [Reply]

    9CL: Listening to my girlfriend tell me how hot she got watching some strange guy would not be a big turn-on for me. Just sayin’. But, good for Amos, I guess?

  261. Cloudbuster
    June 28th, 2013 at 12:32 am [Reply]

    GT: Geezer-Fu! I approve this message!

  262. Droopy Says
    June 28th, 2013 at 12:44 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#257): I know an even simpler approach to catching deer: put in a paved road and drive down it at night. I wish Darwin had explained how the deer species evolved its deep-seated suicidal urges.

  263. Prudynce Jokum
    June 28th, 2013 at 12:55 am [Reply]

    I guess Crankshaft’s been seeing a gremlin outside the plane that no one else can see. Also, “19th Phantom?” Is the Phantom really a Time Lord who keeps regenerating?

  264. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    June 28th, 2013 at 2:10 am [Reply]

    FW: OH MY GOD THIS IS SO STUPID

  265. Cloudbuster
    June 28th, 2013 at 2:28 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#262): “Don’t worry, Mr. Baker, nobody will even notice the treadmarks!”

  266. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    June 28th, 2013 at 2:35 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#260): I’m surprised she didn’t tell Amos how she offered to fuck Sveth. That would have really gotten him going!

  267. Droopy Says
    June 28th, 2013 at 3:31 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#265): “Tread marks? That’s an ovine suicide note!”

  268. Droopy Says
    June 28th, 2013 at 3:49 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#247): It’s enormous fun to hear a Plugger whine: “I have a job! I own my house! I can pay my bills! None of my kids are criminals or drop-outs or druggies! I haven’t died yet! I don’t have some expensive, disabling health problem! There’s no crime worth mentioning in my neighborhood! Other people’s kids annoy me with their existence!” The Plugger existence is a litany of tragically happy circumstances.

  269. Droopy Says
    June 28th, 2013 at 4:17 am [Reply]

    @Dale (#248): That’s a good question–why aviators used hydrogen balloons instead of hot-air balloons. I’m sure that the engineers had some very good reasons, although I haven’t found them yet. I have some guesses, however: (1) Inflating a hot-air balloon is difficult; the balloon has to be laid out on the ground, partly inflated with cold air, and then filled with hot air. (2) While inflating, you have to make sure the flame doesn’t damage the fabric. (3) A hot-air balloon has to be relatively light–modern balloons weigh about 250 pounds, according to Wikipedia. The fabrics of 1918 may not have been durable enough, light enough and plentiful enough for wartime use. (One Russian zeppelin, the Gigant, used a high-quality linen for its gas bags. When the Gigant crashed, the fabric was salvaged for use in airplane manufacture.)

    (I’m not even sure if hot-air balloons were in use a century ago–the few references I’ve seen al mention hydrogen balloons.)

    This seems absurd, but hydrogen isn’t as flammable as you’d expect. It has to be mixed with air to burn, and naturally there’s no air inside a hydrogen envelope. Just punching bullet holes in a balloon wouldn’t start a fire; sometimes even incendiary bullets weren’t enough (the first time Eddie Rickenbacker attacked a German balloon, he put several hundred incendiary rounds into it, with no effect.) Willy Coppens, the war’s premier balloon-buster, managed to pancake his fighter atop a shot-up balloon on two occasions, wait a few minutes as the balloon slowly deflated, then flew off again. There are photos of balloons and dirigibles that were shot down without burning, although I doubt that made the average balloonist feel good about his chances.

    One of the most reliable ways to set a balloon on fire was with Le Prieur rockets. These were basically black-powder sky rockets, fitted with knife blades in their noses and fired from French or British fighters at short range. They could slice a good hole in a balloon, coming and going, and their exhaust would guarantee ignition of the leaking hydrogen and air.

  270. Liam
    June 28th, 2013 at 4:43 am [Reply]

    Early posts in case Comics Kingdom removes these:

    MT-”I can’t go home empty handed! I promised my friends I would bag a hooker.”

    MW-”He’s a very good man. I don’t have to fake my orgasms with him.”

  271. Dale
    June 28th, 2013 at 5:39 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#269):

    We know the first operational balloons were the hot-air pear-shaped things.
    They were used for artillery observation during the American civil war.
    I’m guessing that there were issues about the weight and porosity of the material versus the relative amount of lift (density of hot air / hydrogen).

    The chemistry class test tube of hydrogen makes a nice POP, but consider the Hindenberg. It burned without flattening the countryside.

  272. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 28th, 2013 at 5:45 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#260): re: 9CL

    Amos has no agency in the matter. Edda is home, she is horny over Sveth, but Sveth isn’t there, so she will use Amos as her apparatus. All he is responsible for is holding to the edge of the couch for dear life until he loses consciousness and wakes up hours later tucked into the seat cushions.

    Not that I mind, but are we really back home and ready to wrap this plot up? I was assuming that we would make a token effort to address the original story line. So the whole “cattle rustling-maybe jail time-it’s ever-so-dramatic-better invite Edda so she can wallow in the drama too storyline was disposed of in a single panel (“it doesn’t matter, because rural farmers are too dumb to count, so they will never notice a missing cow and her newborn calf after all”) so we could have over a month of strips featuring Sveth and Fleurrie’s re-enactment of a 7th grade love affair?

  273. gleeb
    June 28th, 2013 at 5:51 am [Reply]

    ‘bean: So that’s it? A miraculously found diary of questionable provenance, and Lenny decides it’s all over? And what do we learn from this? That high school girls who drink and fool around in the back of vans die young from cancer.

  274. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 28th, 2013 at 5:54 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#249): Re: Phantom Maybe there will be a time-travel element here.

    As other have noted, ending WWI in 1919 is a pretty glaring error to anyone who went to school before the self-esteem generation (“Most Improved Trier – I tied with the rest of the class!” – Doones). Today’s reference to innocent lives reinforces my belief that by the end of this storyline the armistice will be back where it belongs. Or, it could be 9CL and we could forget everything else and end up telling the story of a geeky balloon FO and the French girl whose underwear terrifies him.

  275. Braniff
    June 28th, 2013 at 6:42 am [Reply]

    Cshaft: “I’m outta this comic strip, lady! And don’t call me Shirley!!”

  276. CanuckDownSouth
    June 28th, 2013 at 6:53 am [Reply]

    @Prudynce Jokum (#263): No, it’s passed from father to son. The mask and costume are supposedly to keep up the illusion of an immortal unchanging crime-fighter to anyone outside his home base village. I’d say this indicates the original authour’s really bad opinion of tribal people’s reasoning skills, but this *is* the comics page, where a pair of glasses utterly flabbergasts Clark Kent’s coworkers as they wonder again and again why Clark always disappears during Superman’s responses to emergencies

  277. Illustrator Steve
    June 28th, 2013 at 8:58 am [Reply]

  278. cg
    June 28th, 2013 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    And that’s how Encyclopedia Brown knew that it was NOT the real Phantom!

  279. Daniel
    June 28th, 2013 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    JP Being in academia, I know that to get reviewed within a year by a “real” liberal-arts college or university (i.e., not Grand Canyon U) it takes either 1) a very influential and popular book (“His Dark Materials,” “The Da Vinci Code”) or 2) a miserable, misinforming stinker of such earth-rending proportions that professors are compelled to call it out on its demerits (“A World Lit Only By Fire”)

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