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Dream loser

Spider-Man, 5/24/09

So, what’s the most insultingly improbable thing that happens in today’s Spider-Man? Is it that Peter would have forgotten his epic battle with an electrically powered super-villain, which concluded only hours before? Is it that beautiful young movie star Mary Jane would just smile after accidentally being called by the name of her husband’s wizened old aunt? (At least it wasn’t during sex … this time.) No, more laughable than both of those is the idea that anyone, anywhere was moved by anything that happened in the Spider-Man newspaper strip to go through the trouble of writing a letter to anybody. Really, narration box, give us a little credit.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/24/09

Hootin’ Holler’s sole religious authority sure does a good job of opiating the inbred masses with his God talk. I suppose that makes them more likely to cough up the cash when he needs a new TV.

Panel from Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/24/09

June in a nutshell, ladies and gentlemen. There’s nothing like terrible food poisoning to cut down on the crowds poolside, you know what I’m saying?

168 responses to “Dream loser”

  1. Joseph Finn
    May 24th, 2009 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    Peter looks like he’s waking up with a hangover. This being Spider-Man, it’s a hangover from a night of apple-tinis.

  2. bats :[
    May 24th, 2009 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    Josh re RMMD: please cut June some slack. She’s a professional (a nurse, no less), and she’s seen the good and the bad.
    It’s just that life goes on.
    One day at a time.
    Win some lose some.
    We’ve only got two more nights on this cruise.

  3. Poteet
    May 24th, 2009 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    So Peter has not only been drugging hard, but has fried his brain to the point that he can no longer tell whether he’s awake or whether he’s been sleeping with his wife or his aunt. And here I thought this strip had no social message.

  4. Moss_Moses
    May 24th, 2009 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    Neddy is trying out for cheerleader now? I guess she returned to lend some moral support to Sophie. I take back any criticism of the glacial pace of JP. Neddy’s return from Paris was lightning fast. In fact this is the first we’ve heard of it.

  5. FiestaGrl
    May 24th, 2009 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    Hmmm…where else have we seen a character awaken in a bizarre “was it all a dream?” haze upon seeing their beloved in a steamy shower? Dare we hope that J.J. Jameson has somehow morphed into J.R. Ewing, Aunt May becomes Miss Elly, MJ begins to exhbit the Texas sass and bitchiness of Pam or SueEllen, and Spidey/Bobby starts taking on menacing oil barons instead of lame-ass bad guys? It certainly couldn’t be any worse that the current plotlines!

  6. ratnerstar
    May 24th, 2009 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    Why does the phrase “carved in stone” provoke such a skeevy smile from Snuffy? Look at his eyes; you can tell he can barely keep himself from retorting “like your mom” or “that’s what she said.” Maybe “carved in stone” has some sort of perverted meaning in hillbilly slang.

  7. Hank
    May 24th, 2009 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    I’m actually sorry to “retro Spidey” go. It wasn’t great but without the marriage we saw less “Peter in front of TV” sequences and more “Peter fighting crime.”

  8. bad wolf
    May 24th, 2009 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    Oh My God! Everyone in comics-land is waiting for the Great Spidey Marriage Re-retcon and they go ahead and do it in the strip version. The comic shop folks have been waiting over a year, and no end in sight.

    Maybe the narration box meant “read your blogs and message board postings,” and confused Daily Strip SM with Comic Book SM, and … oh who cares.

  9. Albert Camus
    May 24th, 2009 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    Next Sunday, the parson will move on to harder theodical problems, such as why bad likker turns a feller blind.

  10. Charlene
    May 24th, 2009 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    I think they gave up on the retcon because going back to 1986 meant they couldn’t show any hot “Peter Parker uses Google” action.

  11. Dingo
    May 24th, 2009 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    bats (yesterthread): I don’t have a direct line to Josman but I think you have a scathingly brilliant idea there. Two months until your birthday? I’m sure he can do it.

  12. tbiggs
    May 24th, 2009 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    The “June in a nutshell” would earn a COTW from me, too bad Josh can’t award it to himself. I did, literally, laugh out loud. Not a braying, uncouth laugh, mind you; it was a gentle, monocle-retaining chuckle.

  13. C. Havoc
    May 24th, 2009 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    #4 Moss-Moses: Hey, thanks. Something in my little brain told me there was a problem with that panel, and I couldn’t process it.

    I can sleep now.

  14. Joe the Plugger
    May 24th, 2009 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Incomprehensible.

  15. Ignatz
    May 24th, 2009 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    Lio: This is completely great; I just don’t understand why Lio is upset.

  16. Larry McAwful
    May 24th, 2009 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    Okay, now wait… Since it was all a dream, does this mean that Electro didn’t really eat that sandwich? I’m going to have to write in to newspaper Spider-Man now. How does one do that, exactly?

  17. It's time to pay the price
    May 24th, 2009 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    S’ now we know why th’ bread falls butter-side down. Wut’s still up in th’ air is why I ‘parently shit m’self.

  18. Calico
    May 24th, 2009 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    Fuck me, SM is like Dallas, or Newhart. Zzzzz indeed.
    Why do I feel so tired?

    MW panel four: now the answer is clear-Dr. Jeff is a Bottom.

    RM – I simple love the solo June panel above.
    Notice that in the full strip, Rex hasn’t even taken his jacket off-that might mean his wife will have to see him in shorts or swim trunks. Oe nekkid.
    Nope, that cannot happen.

  19. Calico
    May 24th, 2009 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    #4 – Good catch, Moss. My non-caffeinated skull didn’t see that at all.
    So WIlson has the elder daughter on the brain, or maybe a nice vacation in Paris.

  20. It\'s time to pay the price
    May 24th, 2009 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    People who recently began reading the Spider Man comic strip might have noticed clues leading up to the annoucement that it was all a dream. Ridiculous costumes, horrifying facial features, random sandwiches, off-putting dialogue and the hokey ending are exactly the kind of surreal details that one might expect to see in a dream. Of course, if they keep reading they will eventually come to the sad conclusion that all Spider Man stories are like this

  21. The Ghost of Jarrod
    May 24th, 2009 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    Awesome! This means weeks of the narration box reminding us, “Yes, we’re back to having Peter and MJ married!” I suppose I shouldn’t complain, though; when I’m the age of the average Spider-Man comic reader, I’ll be pretty forgetful too.

  22. bobomonkey
    May 24th, 2009 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    When the Boston Globe dropped Spider-man about 10 years ago, there were enough letters complaining that they brought it back. One letter came from John Updike.

  23. Calico
    May 24th, 2009 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    Simply, I mean. D’oh!
    Oh, and let’s add St. Elsewhere to the 80′s bastion of Dream-Sequences-Clear-Every-Plotline-Up nightly shows.

  24. ScienceGiant
    May 24th, 2009 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    I’d while I don’t DISagree with you #23, Calico, I personally was hoping this plot will take a much more Vanillia Sky-ish twist.


  25. ScienceGiant
    May 24th, 2009 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    And while I don’t DISagree with you #23, Calico, I personally was hoping this plot will take a much more Vanillia Sky-ish twist.


  26. Winky's Spleen
    May 24th, 2009 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    Bizarro – I think they suspect the wrong guy for this crime spree; everyone knows the Cookie Monster has been coopted by Big Nutrition, eating fruit and the like. It’s like he’s turned his back on everything he’s ever believed.

    Blondie – And the cycle of psychological cruelty between the mailman and Dagwood continues…

  27. Naked Bunny with a Whip
    May 24th, 2009 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    I dreamed that I was Spider-Man the other night. I woke up screaming when the cable went out.

  28. bats :[
    May 24th, 2009 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    And while June is bustin’ out all over and wondering where her next Mai Tai is coming from, my heart still belongs to Rex (after last night’s little mash, I went back and did a little mash for the populace and the assorted hoi polloi — June would smile benevolently, no doubt):

  29. Mysterious Shirtless Lawyer
    May 24th, 2009 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    Laugh all you want, but the seven loyal readers who masturbate to Spiderman are lovin’ the change.

  30. Mr. Satanism
    May 24th, 2009 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    The battle with Electro was the most legitimately super-hero-y thing that’s happened in this strip in years. Of course it turned out to be a dream.

  31. BigTed
    May 24th, 2009 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    Maybe Spidey isn’t dreaming at all, but, like Tom Hanks in Big, dorky adolescent teen Peter Parker has magically attained a 30-year-old man’s body. Come to think of it, maybe that’s the secret behind every Spider-Man plot line. No wonder he acts like a lazy kid who’d rather watch TV than solve crimes, or “dream” about MJ rather than actually sleep with her.

  32. Steve L
    May 24th, 2009 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    Clearly, Hootin’ Holler has never seen a television, because God knows that the Parson would have his own televangelist empire by now.

  33. Chyron HR
    May 24th, 2009 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    Excelsior, mighty Marvelites! We noticed that the whole Brand New Day schtick went over like a lead balloon, so we’re going to give you what you really want–clones! Or Carnage! Maybe a Sonic the Hedgehog crossover! Seriously, we’ve got nothing here!

    - Stan Lee

  34. bad wolf
    May 24th, 2009 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    Joe Quesada must be rolling over in his grave.

  35. NoahSnark
    May 24th, 2009 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    I was struck by the leering facial expression Snuffy Smith has on his face when told the plan is carved in stone. The only reason I can think of for that response, within the context of the strip, involves a quarry, several farm animals, and lots of moonshine.

  36. Rhekarid
    May 24th, 2009 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    If the Lord’s Plan involves trying to get everyone in Hootin’ Holler to die of food poisoning after eating off their filthy floors, I may have to become a man of faith myself!

  37. Lolsworth
    May 24th, 2009 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    This is still much better than One More Day was.

  38. Baka Gaijin
    May 24th, 2009 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    Arlo N Janis: Beard? Have I been whooshed? Is Arlo gay or is Janis? Both? One swings both ways? I am so confused.

    Luann: Maybe the romance is gone because you’ve been horrified by the offspring that resulted from the last time you bumped uglies.

    Pearls Before Swine: Again with the sweet ending. You do know how to use all of your panels to tell a story, Pastis. This is in direct opposition to today’s Hagar the Horrible, which rightly should have been told in a maximum of one panel.

    Dilbert: I’ve had to do the “Wally Defense” in my career.

    Apartment 3-G: “Smile, Honey, it’s good news…they’ve offered me a position…at their Denver hub.” What Gary McBlandface is really saying is, “It’s good news…they’re paying me to work somewhere the girls put out. You lost your chance, bitch.”

    Mary Worth: Whaaaa? “Core values and beliefs?” Dr. Cory and Daddy Hewlett must have graduated from Saint Pointy Haired Boss High School. He sounds like an Accenture consultant.

    Sally Forth: I didn’t see that coming. Not at all. Well done, Ces.

  39. Poteet
    May 24th, 2009 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    MW — The moral is now clear. If you want to find True Love, you must search the world until you find the son of your father’s former best friend, the son who looks exactly like his father did when he was young, the son who sets your own father’s eyes alight with an eerie glow. This should make a great Disney movie.

  40. Poteet
    May 24th, 2009 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    A3G — “You mean, you might want me to leave New York City? The city I never actually see anything of or talk about or otherwise indicate that I live in? Never! Never! Never!”

  41. Alan's Addiction
    May 24th, 2009 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    Wow, boring, convoluted storylines, bad dialog, hideous plot twists (which turn out to be dreams)… Spider-Man is no longer a comic strip; it’s a two-dimensional day-time soap opera. Tune in Monday to find out if Electro is really the father of Peter Parker’s children! We know you won’t!
    Wow… The folks of Hootin’ Holler need constant adult supervision, apparently; as they all have the mental acumen of six-year-olds. This might explain why they all have such horrible dental problems and missing teeth; they believe the Tooth Fairy is real and are continuing to knock out their own teeth in hopes of getting two dollars under the pillow.
    As Rex Morgan well knows, nothing improves a vacation like disease and pestilence! He’s at the forefront of the rapidly developing industry of “Plague Tourism.”

  42. Poteet
    May 24th, 2009 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

    S-M — Couldn’t we follow Electro for awhile? Sure, he’ll be locked up twenty hours a day, but it would still be better than watching Peter watch TV again.

  43. survivor
    May 24th, 2009 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    You guessed it, true believer! We’ve decided to bow to your letters and let Peter Parker lounge in a bed for the duration of a Sunday strip. Fucking exciting, ain’t it?

  44. Joe Blevins
    May 24th, 2009 at 4:31 pm [Reply]

    I can only hope that the narration box is implying Peter Parker will soon be a contestant on To Tell the Truth. He’s no match for the likes of Peggy Cass, Truth‘s most daunting panelist. She’ll easily suss out his secret identity, he’ll have to retire in shame, and then the strip will be about her adventures instead. Peggy Cass! / Peggy Cass! / She just kicked Peter Parker’s ass!

  45. tb4000
    May 24th, 2009 at 4:52 pm [Reply]

    S-M: And I guess next week Mephisto will show up disguised as Gwen Stacy, miraculously still alive.

    I do give them kudos for basically saying “fuck you” to that whole retcon in the ASM books.

  46. Mars
    May 24th, 2009 at 5:17 pm [Reply]

    O_O Wow, I didn’t expect Stan to listen to people. I expected the same “we know better than you about what you want even though you say you don’t want it” treatment people get from Quesada. This doesn’t change my opinion that Stan’s a little bonkers, because he still is. But at least he doesn’t have his head completely where the sun don’t shine.

    The Electro thing may have had more action and less television, but except for the couple strips where Peter “almost tells her his secret,” what in there couldn’t have been done under the old format? The solution is to just write better, like everyone’s been saying.

  47. Mars
    May 24th, 2009 at 5:19 pm [Reply]

    #33: Hey, I WANT a Spider-Man/Sonic crossover. I mean, who doesn’t?

  48. Pak-Man
    May 24th, 2009 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    Dude. Spider-Man. You had a legitimate battle with an actual legitimate supervillian. OBVIOUSLY, you were dreaming then.

  49. Sensitive Poet
    May 24th, 2009 at 5:43 pm [Reply]

    Spiderman isn’t just lame, it’s rigorously lame. Not only do the plots not make any goddamn sense, they’re also not interesting.


    I love it. Or at least it makes me feel… umbrage combined with satisfaction? My feelings for Spiderman are complicated.

    Maybe I’m just weirdly pleased when I see yet another horribly lame and anticlimactic strip, because it means that things are as they should be, and that my strong feelings about the lameness of Spiderman are so very, very justified. If all of a sudden there was engrossing action and a decent plot, I think I’d be offended.

    So yeah, maybe that’s where those letter-writers are coming from. MORE MARITAL GLURGE! MORE WHINING IN FRONT OF THE TV! MORE VILLAINS SITTING DOWN AND EATING SANDWICHES!

  50. Sensitive Poet
    May 24th, 2009 at 5:46 pm [Reply]

    Not to mention MORE DILEMMAS THAT ARE POSED AND RESOLVED IN THE SAME GODDAMN THREE PANEL STRIP! (cf. going through airport security and NOT being awkwardly discovered with a lurid spandex bodysuit; going to the doctor and NOT being asked to take off shirt, revealing lurid spandex bodysuit.)

  51. Baka Gaijin
    May 24th, 2009 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    #15 Ignatz: Lio’s worried that the aliens will accidentally shatter the ball, allowing the melonheads to escape to spread their sickeningly-sweet malaprop-based ignorance and dashed lines across the world. Be careful, aliens!

  52. Donald the Anarchist
    May 24th, 2009 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    S-M Look, Petey, whether it’s a dream or not doesn’t matter. Right now, your best bet is to tap that ass! Either it’s a dream or you’re married. Either way, its your best chance!

    A3G Leaving New York, Gary. But if you can’t make it with Tommie there, can you make it with any girl, anywhere?

    SS If only the parson were a rabbi. “You call that misfortune?!! Let me tell you about a man named Job…”

    RMMD Oh, come on. Can’t we have Rex saying ‘Fabulous’? Just once? He’s as shallow as June, but perhaps that would be a little to obvious for such a restrained exercise in high camp…Sigh…

  53. Joe Btfsplk
    May 24th, 2009 at 5:57 pm [Reply]

    Snuffy Smith – Snuffy’s missing thought-balloon, Panel 3: The Lord’s plan has fizzical form, eh? Bodacious! Thet means thar’s a way fer me to steal it!

  54. ThursdayNext
    May 24th, 2009 at 6:23 pm [Reply]

    I thought I remembered this having another version of “decoy”-earlier than the homosexual one, it had to do with horse racing. You can see it here. It had to do with betting on the horse you trained, or in this case, I guess, Arlo eating a brownie he doesn’t particularly want allows Janis to be able to eat them. Lame, and I have a feeling the poor naive Jimmy Johnson is about to learn a whole lot via his email. I’m sympathetic, because I, too, kind of knew the earlier usage, and had no idea of the more recent one.

  55. zerowolf
    May 24th, 2009 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

    Down here in Hootin’ Holler, we ain’t be having none of them thar fancy maths like grav-er-tea, fyseeks, and probe-a-babble-tea explennyations. Next thing flatlannders beez tellin’ uz we’ze come from monkees.

  56. queek
    May 24th, 2009 at 6:43 pm [Reply]

    I take back the last several times that I accused Borgman of being lazy whilst drawing Zits.

    Lio: pure wordless win.

    PV: sadly, I think I know where this one is going. Our Neanderthal trio, using their skills at sea-monster hunting, fell the giant iguanadon, but perish in the attempt, leaving Misses Blonde, Brunette and Redhead in tears.

  57. Niall
    May 24th, 2009 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    Operation: Chocolate was a rousing success. (Details on the link in my name.)

    I haven’t checked snark, but I can say this: there should be a serious penalty for the laziness of today’s Hagar: taking a three-panel strip and shamelessly stretching it to Sunday size with two, count them two silent and unnecessary panels is a crime against humour. Browne Non-Humour Enterprises LLC, just pack it in.

  58. Dingo
    May 24th, 2009 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    Calico #18: Yes, but is Dr. Jeff a bottom or a power bottom?

  59. Stroker Ace
    May 24th, 2009 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

    45. tb4000 – Hell yes! Gwen Stacy lives!

  60. AhClem
    May 24th, 2009 at 7:25 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Hagar the Horrible takes eight panels — EIGHT! — to present a lame-ass joke about how “dry” drinks are actually wet.

    What’s next? Jokes about how white wine is really pale yellow? Ice cubes can be round or rectangular? Kentucky bluegrass is actually green? Ladybugs come in both sexes?

    Someone tell me, please — why does this strip still exist?

  61. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 24th, 2009 at 7:45 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Not that I want to see the elder deGroots screwing, but I don’t need to watch their sex life dying either. Isn’t there a happy medium? Like, say, staying out of their bedroom?

    FC: Billy may turn out to be the smartest businessperson in the family, offering to sell the neighborhood children cold brewskies from the fridge.

    Blondie: Sometimes it’s nice to be reminded that yes Virginia, Dagwood is an asshole too.

  62. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 24th, 2009 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

    A3G: The saddest thing in all this? The hospital executives actually think they’re being funny by sending the John Denver lookalike to Denver.

  63. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 24th, 2009 at 7:53 pm [Reply]

    #COTW Naked Bunny,
    That’s the funniest thing I’ve read in a while.

  64. AceDiamond
    May 24th, 2009 at 8:02 pm [Reply]

    It’s like Peter Parker has to relieve the same couple of days over and over until he gets it right. Expect to see this resolved sometime in the 2200s.

  65. Captain Thunder
    May 24th, 2009 at 8:02 pm [Reply]

    S-M: “‘Will the Real Peter Parker Please Stand Up?’” So One More Day was a dream (at least in the daily), but apparently the Clone Saga isn’t. Great. I get to spend the next year reading about Peter Parker and his clone watching television and bitching at his (their?) wife. Spider-Man: Now with the proportional banality of two spiders!

    Either that, or Peter Parker’s reinventing himself as a guttermouthed white rapper from Michigan. If this occurred, it would be all the impetus I need to, you know, actually read the strip, so of course Stan Lee would never allow it.

  66. Black Drazon
    May 24th, 2009 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

    So, wait, hold on. Rewind a few weeks and we find that the newspaper Spider Man has reworked itself similar to the mainstream comics. Both audiences are outraged, but the newspaper one corrects itself. This means that… the newspaper-reading audience that has kept Family Circus alive for decades is, in fact, more powerful than all the world’s comic nerds? Man, that’s gotta hit the comic nerds something rough.

  67. Black Drazon
    May 24th, 2009 at 8:08 pm [Reply]

    Snuffy Smith’s parson demonstrates the holy power of the Lord with his sepia speech balloon, causing the hicks and weirdos of Hootinhollar to fall down and worship.

  68. Bobdog
    May 24th, 2009 at 8:12 pm [Reply]

    Peter Parker has become unstuck in time!

  69. Patrick
    May 24th, 2009 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    Will comic artists always listen to a groundswell of reader support? Can we all write in asking for the Pluggers to commit mass suicide?

  70. Joe Blevins
    May 24th, 2009 at 8:18 pm [Reply]

    Poor Loweezy! Look at her there in panel one, all set to enjoy her favorite snack — a slice of buttered, untoasted white bread — only to (apparently) drop it on the floor almost instantly. This event has thrown her into a crisis of faith, leaving her to doubt the wisdom of a Creator who would deny her even this most modest of pleasures. Deeply shaken, she has sent her (worthless) husband into town to seek spiritual counsel. Upon returning, Snuffy spouts the vague, comforting platitudes he has learned from the Parson and seems mollified. Loweezy, however, is clearly unsatisfied and remains transfixed by the sad sight of the bread, which is now undoubtedly teeming with ants as it languishes on the floor of the fetid shack she calls home.

  71. buckyswife
    May 24th, 2009 at 8:25 pm [Reply]

    Just checking into the various comics, and I must say: The creepiest thing I’ve seen, in a good long while, is Dr. Jeff shaking his entwined fingers in the detective’s face, a look of delighted enthusiasm on his face, all out of proportion to the situation, while his daughter clasps her hands in glee. Why is this so creepy? Imagine yourself thinking, “Oh look! Daddy is reminiscing about his high school dabblings in homosexual erotic encounters! And he’s illustrating with his fingers! To my date!”

  72. bats :[
    May 24th, 2009 at 8:46 pm [Reply]

    72. buckyswife: and just how *sad* is it that Jeff is gushing like a schoolgirl about his dead friend…when he couldn’t be bothered to keep in touch with him for 40 years (and apparently just found out that he’s been dead for 20 of them)? That teeny, tiny leash that Mary has girding his privates must be made of pretty tough stuff, and have inward-facing spikes as well.
    “No friends for you!”

  73. Muffaroo
    May 24th, 2009 at 8:50 pm [Reply]

    BBailey – Oh yeah, Julius. He’s kind of the gay guy. Let’s see. In the last panel, the general says he must have blown his cover. Blown. Gay guy. Gay guy. Blown. Hmm. Sorry, not having any ideas.

    Crock – It’s funny because he’s named Seymour.

    FCircus – Oh, if only PJ could talk! “You don’t understand, lady! I don’t want the stroller! I want you to TAKE ME WITH YOU!!”

    JParker – Why, it’s the leading members of the Society of Frozen-Faced Sourpusses with Pickles up their Asses, here to model for Mount Grouchmore.

    MTrail – I guess we need small airports to protect those miniscule planes from the giant squirrels.

    MWorth – From the way Dr. Jeff talks about it, I get the impression the late Saint Sam was something of a Hewlett packer. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

    MG&Grimm – TV Dinner is a meal that I’m lovin’ / Just take off the foil, thirty minutes in the oven… yes, it really takes me back to 1974.

    S-Man – Now let’s see if we can make Ziggy put on some damn pants.

    Zits – Predictable? With all that zany, zany stuff going on? Somebody wake me up! Not now; I mean in thirty secondzzzzz

    Doonesbury – They also serve.

    FBasset – It doesn’t begin, it doesn’t end. Looks like the middle chapter of something: The Two Bowsers.

    PBSwine – The problem with constellations these days is that air pollution has made it all but impossible to see the faint little lines that connect the figures.

    Annie – Looking at the two tough chick’s Annie’s with, I just have one question: which one do you think Archie will marry?

    DTracy – “QUEENIE?” Cheese and crackers, it’s all coming together! Is the guy in uniform Detective Hewlett? And who the hell is that in the last panel?

    Pluggers – So what kind of pet does the plugger-dog-dog have?

  74. Futureman44203
    May 24th, 2009 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

    It sounds like a hangover all right – only a complete blackout drunk would ever leave the shampoo anywhere but right there in the shower.

  75. Winky's Spleen
    May 24th, 2009 at 9:08 pm [Reply]

    Mars #46 – As The Simpsons‘ Comic Book Guy once said of Stan Lee, “I’m starting to think that his mind is no longer in mint condition.”

  76. Mr. O'Malley
    May 24th, 2009 at 9:37 pm [Reply]

    Yesterday GT was talking about “atomic liniment” and today (well, actually “tomorrow”) this appears in the Sydney Morning Herald:

    Steve Dowse of Camperdown asks: “Can anyone shed any light on ‘radio emulsion’, a luminous-looking medicine fed by the tablespoonful to northern hemisphere children in the ’60s? What was it for, and more importantly, was it as dangerous as it sounds? My Dublin-born wife wants to know. I’ve told her not to worry, lots of people’s toes glow in the dark.”


    Re Hagar, my local paper shrinks it and Wizard of Id to a size where they can both be printed side by side on the Sunday comics page. I only wish they would find a third one.

    And they used the space gained to add Candorville, which I thought was rather good today.

    It really hit that minuscule history nerd/comics fan crossover market segment right on the nose.

  77. Talking Squirrel
    May 24th, 2009 at 9:51 pm [Reply]

    SM: Perfect timing for Parker, to wake up at just the right moment to catch a trendy dose of swine flu. That’ll keep him in bed for six more months on orders of Nurse MJ.

    Electro’s the one who deserves to get something out of this fiasco. Speaking of MJ, anyone who wears green spandex and a mask that looks like a Kirlian photo of a herb leaf deserves his own strip. Like a tagteam wrestler — which he does resemble — he ought to be able to switch sides with no hard feelings.

  78. Will G
    May 24th, 2009 at 9:59 pm [Reply]

    I suppose I shouldn’t complain, though; when I’m the age of the average Spider-Man comic reader, I’ll be pretty forgetful too.

    Nothing quite as sad as a middle-aged fanboy throwing a hissy fit over something that isn’t real, hey?

  79. Les of the Jungle Patrol
    May 24th, 2009 at 10:06 pm [Reply]

    Snuffy Smith thought bubbles for panel 2: “That’s not all that’s stoned right now”

    or: “carved in stone . . . in my pants

    However, I submit that it’s subtext is entirely comprehensible. Look at panel 1. Snuffy looks very anxious as he emphasizes “good and solid,” while the parson runs his chin, pondering. In Panel 2, The parson’s eyes are wide and his tongue is out and he’s replying with a line about stones. Snuffy leers back at him.

    If Hotting Holler had things like airports, or even indoor plumbing, this would be the equivalent to bathroom toe tapping.

    Thank goodness, we can’t see anything below the belt in panel 2, as Snuffy’s pants are most certainly being undone.

  80. Foolster41
    May 24th, 2009 at 10:17 pm [Reply]

    Spider-man: Today’s spiderman is just a message from the writers; “Ok, it was a terrible idea we’re sorry! Please just stop writing us letters!”
    Don’t underestimate the power of people who actually read and care about the spider-man newspaper comics.

    GT: You know, I didn’t look very closely at the last panel, and I thought he had posted the picture on the junbotron, which would have been an awesome move of jerkitude.

  81. crazyjerseygirl
    May 24th, 2009 at 10:32 pm [Reply]

    Maybe this was already mentioned but:
    Has it really been 6-months since Spiderman did the Time Warp? Umm, does anybody remember a non-Electro storyline….was that 6-MONTHS OF ELECTRO?!?

  82. zooby
    May 24th, 2009 at 10:33 pm [Reply]

    I think the writers of Spider-Man should just give up the pretense and have the narration box become the star of this strip.

  83. Joe Btfsplk
    May 24th, 2009 at 10:38 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy – Today, more than ever before, I am glad that Ziggy is not a continuity strip. I do not want to see what Angelina Jolie looks like in the Ziggiverse.

    Originally, my entire comment was going to be, “WTF?”

    Dick TracyI knew it!

  84. TromboneGuy
    May 24th, 2009 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

    #68 Bobdog – Yes. Eddies in the space-time continuum!

  85. boojum
    May 24th, 2009 at 10:53 pm [Reply]

    A3G — I’m…. confused. Gary’s been doing a project for a NYC hospital, and they’re sending him to their Denver hub?!? What the hell would a hospital be doing with a hub? I assume they aren’t shipping patients across country, unless they got a really good deal on diagnostic imaging. And if a New York hospital ever had a hub, why would it be halfway the hell across the country?

    I call atomic bullshit. If Gary wants to get away from Tommie (and what man doesn’t?), all he has to do is tell her he’s being sent to a farm in the country, where he can run free and chase squirrels.

    A hub. A f***ing hub.

  86. Muffaroo
    May 24th, 2009 at 11:11 pm [Reply]

    zooby @82 – This is one of the Great Ideas of Western Civilization. I wonder how many reader letters it would take to get them to do it.

  87. Wasabi Jane
    May 24th, 2009 at 11:36 pm [Reply]

    #46 Mars Wait, you think just because Stan Lee still has his name on Spiderman, he actually has *anything* to do with this horrible mess?

  88. Mars
    May 24th, 2009 at 11:49 pm [Reply]

    I questioned that several months ago in this very blog and was told it IS Stan that still writes the strip.

  89. Josh
    May 24th, 2009 at 11:53 pm [Reply]

    #85 boojum — It’s possible that Gary doesn’t actually work for the hospital, but some kind of IT services company that the hospital contracts its tech stuff out to, and which is based in Denver, what the hell, why not. This is actually a pretty common arrangement these days, but you’d think that hospitals, with HIPAA restrictions on who can see what information, would be less likely to do it.


  90. Anonymous
    May 25th, 2009 at 12:29 am [Reply]

    #89 Josh: You’ve clearly given this a lot of thought. Please go kiss your wife and pet your cat now. ;)

  91. Esther Blodgett
    May 25th, 2009 at 12:29 am [Reply]

    #90 was me after a cookie purge.

  92. True Fable
    May 25th, 2009 at 12:35 am [Reply]

    Memorial Snarking!

    Rex Morgan, Eyeless Doctor Look, we’ve been howling for this for weeks, so let’s just sit back and enjoy June in a bikini while it lasts. Soon we’ll be staring at Rex eating soft serve ice cream again, and wondering where it all went wrong.

    Meddling Heights This is turning more and more into gay porn, what with Jeff rubbing Scott’s big, strong manly shoulders and then as he’s thinking of his old friend Leslie Nielsen, Scott looks twenty year older than he did yesterday. Bow wow wow BOW chicka Bow Wow…

    Sophie Spencer, Trouble Magnet! Man, news sure travels fast for a comic that grinds its bees so finely.

    Denver 3-G Well of course he’s being called out to Denver, Tommie! He’s interested in you and lord knows you won’t want to move away from NYC! Although I don’t know why, it’s not as if you can’t find a nursing job in Denver, and probably get a sign-up bonus too. But no no no, Margo needs you to bathroom and there’ll be hell to pay if you don’t bathroom, but good.

    Fist O Justice Theater Okay, Andy, let’s go try to find out why animals are dying in Lost Forest! Never mind that YOU are an animal too; you have more brains than the rest of us so sometimes I forget!

  93. Silruin
    May 25th, 2009 at 12:39 am [Reply]

    I will admit to a moment of thrill – a very brief moment – when I saw Snuffy talking about bread falling butter-side down. But then, I was a fool to imagine that a comic of Barney Google & Snuffy Smith’s caliber would discuss something like resistentialism. Damn hicks don’t know a thing. Dern.

  94. Mr. O'Malley
    May 25th, 2009 at 12:56 am [Reply]

    85. boojum. There are large multi-state hospital corporations.

    I would guess they mean a data processing and billing center.

  95. True Fable
    May 25th, 2009 at 12:56 am [Reply]

    Dennis Schmenace Mr. Wilson, you’d better be a little more careful telling Dennis about the body parts you can show him.

    Children of the Circle “…and they made some kind of deal about how she’ll pay the other five!”

    Scenes from Suburban Hell In the inky black water of the Suburban Hell Municipal Pool, Ditto is prepared to do things Hi used to do in his youth. And got arrested for.

    Flunky Woofburger Cory throws up in his locker. That’s the most effort I’ve seen out of him, cheating not included.

    C’haft Pam, do a striptease. Your guests will be entertained and not even notice the lack of food, their appetites will be shot.

  96. Sparky AKA Able Bodied Seaman Craggy Fjord
    May 25th, 2009 at 1:05 am [Reply]

    Re: Spiderman – I was sure Stan farms the art to his brother Larry but am unsure if that is the case these days.

  97. The Ghost of Jarrod
    May 25th, 2009 at 1:18 am [Reply]

    The great Zhuangzi once woke from a dream in which he dreamed he was a butterfly, conscious not of his human self, butonly of his happiness as a butterfly, fluttering hither and yon. And then he awoke, Zhuangzi once more, and he wondered to himself whether he had been a man dreaming he was a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming he was a man.

    Perhaps this turn of events in Spider-Man is what Zhuangzi would have written, if he had experienced severe brain trauma.

  98. Poteet
    May 25th, 2009 at 1:19 am [Reply]

    # 94 Mr. O’Malley — Belated yesterthread thanks for the old-time comic links, especially the ones about Mary Worth’s possible creepy little grandson. You are kinder to me than my computer.

  99. Angry Kem
    May 25th, 2009 at 1:25 am [Reply]

    Today (or, well, yesterday, technically), Hagar the Horrible demonstrates the medieval practice of using way too much filler.

    Re. Spider-Man: My guess is that whoever is currently responsible for the writing of this comic is about ten years old. It’s really the only explanation for the inane plots, stupid villains, and pointless retconning. Any minute now, Spidey is going to call his latest villain “a great big stinky poo” and threaten to tell on him.

  100. Jeff
    May 25th, 2009 at 1:27 am [Reply]

    Bobdog @ 68: So Spider-Man will be killed by Paul Lazzaro on February 13, 1976? Well, so it goes.

    Snuffy: This week on MythRebuilders, Snuffy and the Parson reject experimentation and the scientific method and pull a quasi-theological reason out of their asses for why toast lands butter side down. God makes it happen! I guess we’ve got to go with ‘confirmed’ on that one. Oh, and uh, we’re trained hillbillies, so don’t try this at home.

  101. The Interrossiter
    May 25th, 2009 at 1:34 am [Reply]

    I love the way “spider-powers” is in quotation marks in the opening panel of Spiderman today, as if even the narrator doesn’t take his Parker’s abilities seriously. If he’s so powerful and spiderlike, why does he have to invent a machine to spin web? Psh, “spider-powers” my ass!

  102. Poteet
    May 25th, 2009 at 1:40 am [Reply]


    S-M — I’m trying to figure out a way for the narration box language to actually make sense. Is Wolverine going to bite all the readers who demanded that Spidey return to the present day? Is Wolverine going to send Spidey hurtling back in time? Is Wolverine going to steal MJ’s heart and marry her himself, or is Wolverine perhaps a female hottie who will cause Peter to regret being married to MJ?

    Wait — this is the same narration box that predicted “treachery” a couple of weeks ago and then got distracted and forgot to show us the treachery. Never mind. Narration Box is full of it. I’d like to prod Narration Box with a red-hot poker until it screams and promises never to call me a True Believer again.

  103. sugarpie
    May 25th, 2009 at 1:49 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail I actually laughed out loud at today’s strip. Doc says the Lost Forest animals are dead and wants Mark to find out if it’s serious.

    Hey Doc! They’re dead- It’s pretty fucking serious.

  104. Poteet
    May 25th, 2009 at 1:54 am [Reply]


    MW — Flashback? Nooooooo, not allowed. Only Mary is allowed to have flashbacks, and she’s only allowed to have them once every decade or so. That’s the unbreakable rule I just made up.

    MT — You already know the cause, you dimwits! It’s lead, remember? Lead is serious, lead is dangerous, and lead is not some kind of disease that “spreads.” Here’s a radical idea — contact a wildlife toxicologist and/or your state department of natural resources and report the…oh, what’s the use. It’s Lofo.

  105. True Fable
    May 25th, 2009 at 1:58 am [Reply]

    I truly believe that Spider-Man is full of shit. That is what I Truly Believe.

    I also believe that Mark Trail needs to be single and childless again. He is seemed a lot more lively back in the day.

    I also believe that Sam Driver is not gay, just impotent but doesn’t want his wife to know. Other women might think he’s gay or suspect he’s impotent, and are determined to be “The One” to make it happen for him. That’s why he is a Chick Magnet.

    I also believe that Rex Morgan may not be gay, but is content to tease us with is-he-or-isn’t-he banter. He’s like the Clay Aiken of the AMA.

    As the potato said, “That’s what I believe!”

  106. Mibbitmaker
    May 25th, 2009 at 2:04 am [Reply]

    Memorial Day:

    9CL: Will you two PLEASE GET A ROOM?!?!

    A3G: “C’mon, Tommie, I DARE you to ruin my career and stop my best chance for advancement!”

    BBailey: Today, the part of Sarge will be played by Don Rickles.

    GT: That is NOT HOW THE 3 STOOGES WORK! Has he even seen a 3 Stooges short? He even needs her to hold his head up with her fingers, f’ cryin’ out loud. Rubin does not get the 3 Stooges.

    MC: SHE gets it! SHE gets it! You’re a better man than Rubin, Ed Power.

    JP: Hey, there are far worse things an irate cheerleader mom could do to her kid’s competition! Just be thankful Sophie isn’t in Texas in the ’90s.

    Luann: …Anything.

    Ghost-Who-Fails-At-Being-Jokey-Nice: “Sorry, Mr. Phantom, I was confused. We don’t recieve compliments at Jungle Patrol, Sir!”

    R&R: Um, Red…. he’s on a cruise ship right now. What paper are you reading??

    Speaking of RMMD…. : Great advice from a woman who needs to prop her breasts up with her knee.

    S-M: Oh, goody — two superheroes I don’t care about!

    The Advertising Mind of Edison Lee: Not bad today… except for maaaaaybe one thing…… YOU’RE NOT LOOKING AT THE CAMERA!! (definately not a first take)

    ZtP: That’s odd…. that never happened to Chuck Jones.

  107. Poteet
    May 25th, 2009 at 2:24 am [Reply]

    #l 85 boojum — Belated thanks for your Brooke- freedom progress report. I gotta say that the smelling-like-chocolate part is impressive.

  108. Sparky AKA Able Bodied Seaman Craggy Fjord
    May 25th, 2009 at 2:40 am [Reply]

    Luann: WTF? Seriously. No one cares if the midget sells Luann to a Thai brothel.

  109. bats :[
    May 25th, 2009 at 2:47 am [Reply]

    Happy Memorial Day, especially to our military folks and families!

    MT: whether the die-off of wildlife is serious or not is like Diane asking Kit whether the planned assassination of a minor government official is serious or not. I’m sure Bambi and Thumper and Mr. M’butaw would all think things are serious…

    FC: go for it, Big Daddy!

    MW: is Jeff going to actually touch dead friend’s son, or is all this reminiscing going to be enough to make him ejaculate from memories alone?

    Mutts: oh, yeah. Donuts.

    RMMD: get nekkid, Doc! (or at least semi-nekkid…)

  110. Mr. O'Malley
    May 25th, 2009 at 3:07 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: As I understand, all the seniors graduate at the same time. If each of them has a graduation party, who are the guests? Just relatives? Sounds exciting.

    Doonesbury: A first for this administration.

    FC: If Bil will knock $5 off a retro lamp for a peek at some cleavage and a 12-inch waist, what did the person who bought the front door and the leftmost 10 feet of the house have to do?

    FW: No wonder American education is in trouble if the content of a high school course can fit on the label of a water bottle.

    GF: Don’t tell me we’re going to leave the apartment?

    MW: Is there any way to get this to stop?

    OBH: Pancake Day is just before Lent, so it’s going to be a long wait.

    I thought Pluggers were avid customers at that over-priced low-quality coffee retail establishment. And if they made their own coffee it would be instant.

  111. Danny Lilithborne
    May 25th, 2009 at 3:11 am [Reply]

    I would say Spider-Man shot J.R., but that would make him exciting, something which is scientifically impossible.

  112. dale
    May 25th, 2009 at 3:41 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man (which I’ve never actually read)

    PP doesn’t wear the web shooters all the time. When does he put them on and fire them, relative to the costume change? Are they under the gloves? Do they shoot through the gloves? How does he keep from activating them whenever he grasps something?

  113. Dr. Weird
    May 25th, 2009 at 4:21 am [Reply]

    112 Dale

    Spider-Man’s costume has long gloves, going up to mid-forearm, so he can take them off and wear the top under normal street clothes. The gloves go on over the webshooters and fire through a hole in the glove.

    He has to double-click the palm button to fire the web-shooters… designed that way so they don’t go off accidentally. All of this has been addressed in the comic book.

    I’m sure this sort of mating display will attract many women to me… yes, any moment now. Don’t be shy, ladies!

  114. Baka Gaijin
    May 25th, 2009 at 6:57 am [Reply]

  115. Baka Gaijin
    May 25th, 2009 at 7:08 am [Reply]

    Monday’s Cathy: If I could foresee the future, why did it have to be this instead of the winning lottery numbers?

    Cathy, part 2: Is this some sort of weird Fight Club thing? The first rule of the dressing room is that we don’t discuss the dressing room…

    Rose is Rose: Go on, Clem! Drench their rainbows and Lucky Charms!

  116. mordock999
    May 25th, 2009 at 7:16 am [Reply]

    Today’s Luann 05/25/09

    “Okay, I’ve got a surprise TREAT for you, Kids! The REAL ‘Stu the Stinkbug’ IS here and he’s gonna to buy You ALL ice cream, then he gonna buy ME a New Camaro, then I’m gonna DUMP Him!” — Luann


    DEATH to TJ!

  117. colonial
    May 25th, 2009 at 7:25 am [Reply]

    S-M: Perhaps Spidey and Wolverine will team up to handle the digital TV conversion together. Lord knows Spidey needs help.

    FW, Panel 1: The moment Cory realized he was trapped in the cancer-cluster vortex that is Funky Winkerbean.

    FC: Daddy offered $5 for the pole, and another $5 if the woman demonstrated dancing with said pole.

  118. Frank Parsnip
    May 25th, 2009 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    MT: And just why are animals dying in Lost Forest? Well, I think it’s cool that Andy can be trusted to help sniff ‘em out and, if necessary, eat a few to help determine whether it’s poison or illness that’s killing the animals.

    MW: Jeff’s delighted to know that Scott doesn’t mind having him physically emphasize how much he wishes he’d “kept in touch” with Sam. (‘Like father, like son!’) By the way, the speech balloon’s thought balloon in panel 2 is a random homoerotic fixation of Jeff’s and not actually an image of the Sam he’d spent time with in English boarding schools.

    Sex Organ, M.D.: Oh, Nagel-print June, your outsized Yoko Ono glasses only give pause for we fear what lies behind them. Sure, Rex might have torn his eyes out in guilt and remorse over the illicit loves he’s consummated, but what terrors lurk beneath June’s terrible shades?

    A3G: Gary’s news fell so flat that the only thing I noticed was that he apparently goes suit shopping with Scott the Mary Worth detective. Pumpkin orange? I don’t care what Naomi Wolf says, these earth tones aren’t making it.

    Jugs Parker: What on earth possessed them to start including “Mrs. White” from the Clue game as a character?!?

    DtM: Mr. Wilson again answers the door in boxer shorts, not realizing that Dennis would be accompanied by other young witnesses.

  119. Mooncattie
    May 25th, 2009 at 7:57 am [Reply]

    A3G – Those cards at Hospital Administration are still laughing about transfering John Denver’s lookalike to John Denver’s namesake and actually getting away with it. Next up: What to do with that gal in Accounts Payable who looks like Dolores del Rio?

  120. Winky's Spleen
    May 25th, 2009 at 8:04 am [Reply]

    FW – Looks like Cory put more time and effort into cheating than he would have needed to study legitimately. But then, he probably wants to occupy his mind so as to avoid simply waiting for the inevitable malignancy and wasting away that is the destiny of everyone in his town.

  121. Intercrural Squirrel
    May 25th, 2009 at 8:08 am [Reply]

    101 The Interrossiter re SM: If he’s so powerful and spiderlike, why does he have to invent a machine to spin web? Psh, “spider-powers” my ass!

    An appropriate choice of words, since spinnerets are generally located on the spider’s ass. It’d certainly spice up the strip if Peter produced web from butt cheeks that looked like the business ends of salt and pepper shakers.

  122. Fear the Cooter
    May 25th, 2009 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    GT: I’m intrigued by the “Bowie” sticker on Molly’s laptop in panel 2. Does it mean she’s “no doubt” head over heels for David Bowie? If so, she’s way too cool for Milford.

    Or does it imply that Milford High’s toonspace coordinates are in Bowie, MD? This would actually resolve a hella lot of nagging questions.

  123. WakenBacon
    May 25th, 2009 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    123 Mycroft, your error is in expecting that humor to be logical. It is far more subtle than can be rationalized by mere pedestrian logic. I wouldn’t term it “metalogical” humor, though; the more precise term would be “oenological”.

  124. Tonio
    May 25th, 2009 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    I was waiting for the Spiderman strip to copy the finale of Star Trek TNG, where Peter keeps jumping back and forth between his past with Aunt May and his present with Mary Jane. But I suspect a virtual form of incest – when Aunt May died, she couldn’t bear to be away from Peter so she took over Mary Jane’s body.

  125. 8th Man Fan
    May 25th, 2009 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    S-M: Sorry, Pete, but, considering you went from striped pajamas and MJ wearing only a bath towel a few seconds ago to solid PJs and a clothed MJ applying make-up, with each MJ ignoring your mistaking her for your wizened aunt, well…you’re still dreaming. (or are we nightmaring?)

  126. Phred22
    May 25th, 2009 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    It looks like Peter’s planning on a lot of sack time–though Monday’s strip is just seconds from Sunday’s, he’s changed into clean pajamas. Interestingly, he wore the same PJ’s in his dream as when he woke up on Sunday. Or is this a hint he’s still dreaming?

  127. 8th Man Fan
    May 25th, 2009 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    #123 Mycroft & #125 WakenBacon: Please be advised… (see Josh’s note at the end of the post)

    Btw, my guess as to why Sunday Snuffy’s grinning at the parson’s “carved in stone” is because he recognizes it as a reference to the 10 Commandments and he just remembered the one about buttered toast.

  128. Angry Kem
    May 25th, 2009 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    #127 8th Man Fan and #128 Phred: Peter’s Amazing Morphing Pyjamas may be part of his Spider Powers. Perhaps he has the ability to change his appearance based on his environment. Then again, maybe he is simply going mad. That would be much more fun, so it probably isn’t true.

    It is a terrible thing that MJ’s towel has vanished right in time for Towel Day. I call shenanigans.

  129. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    May 25th, 2009 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    In honor of that most venerable and reverent of American holidays, Memorial Day Twitter Day, no fewer than four comics put forth strips honoring veterans Twitter. Therefore, today I will bring flowers to veterans’ graves call my veteran dad to thank him limit my snark to under 140 characters.

    9CL: If Amos and Edda ever breed, there’s a slim chance their child will have a normal ass.

    A3G: “I told them you can get me to Denver in under 3.7 parsecs!”

    Archie: “Did you ever walk into a room and ask yourself ‘Why doesn’t my son go masturbate IN HIS OWN ROOM?’”

    A.D.: Ha ha! Mentioning a popular three-year-old new Web site is inherently funny! Also: Why not “twatever”?

    BB: It’s fitting the only comic strip actually about American soldiers would honor this day with… a clogged latrine. Yep.

    BF: I hope this storyline concludes with her kicking his homeless ass out on the street. With the help of the cops.

    Bizarro: When’s the last time you saw a 100-lb. woman? Besides, he’s not getting on that plane with that stick of dynamite.

    C’Shaft: Only in the grim Batiukverse are balloons in shades of gray considered appropriate decor for a graduation party.

    (WT)DT: “I only threw her down a smokestack. Technically, it was the fall that killed her.”

    EC: Maybe next time he gets an erection, tell him it’s “no big deal.”

    FC: “Mommy! Daddy told that woman with the big titties he was gonna give her the pole.”

    GA: “They said he died… 50 years ago!” DUN-da-DUNNNN!

    H&L: Um, I think it’s time to shock the pool.

    MT: “Right, Rark! Ret’s ro!”

    MW: The colorists are hoping this leads to a flashback so they can just color the entire strip that bluish-purple for two months.

    Momma: Took me a while to realize that was Francis lying on the ground, and not a colony of ants swarming a dead ferret.

    MC: “So… pity fuck?”

    Ghost-Who-Oh-Crap-I’m-Going-To-Use-Up-All-My-Characters-On-This-Stupid-Introduction: …looks awfully womanly in panel 2.

    Pluggers: Maybe you can afford it if you sell another kidney.

    PC: Might be touching if it weren’t a poorly drawn scribble like everything else in this strip.

    RMMD: In a last-ditch attempt to rouse Rex, June has changed into a latex bikini and leather blindfold. Spoiler: It doesn’t work.

    SH: Ha ha! Mentioning a popular three-year-old new Web site is even funnier the second time around!

    6C: Leave it to a woman to find the funny side of the degrading treatment of detainees in the CIA’s secret prisons.

    S-M: In newspaper-Spidey tradition, this “Wolverine” will be some fat mobster who just happened to attend UW-Madison.

    W&E: Why do I read this strip? Also: Ha, ha! Her mouth turned into an anus!

    ZtP: Ha ha! Mentioning a trendy three-year-old Web site is even funnier if you also mention a five-year-old one!

    Zits: Not only is this the fourth mention of Twitter today, it’s the second to use the 140-character limit as the punchline! That’s hilar

  130. Talking Squirrel
    May 25th, 2009 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    SM: Get a load of Spidey’s web-based jammies! Now that’s what I call some serious branding, dude.

    It does explain why he has so much trouble getting out of bed though — every morning when he wakes up, he finds himself stuck to the sheets.

  131. queek
    May 25th, 2009 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    Frazz wins the Memorial Day award.

    Doonesbury: and Barrackstar has arrived, but still no icon.

    MC: d’aawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! character driven win!

    PBS: best. book. report. EVER!

    A&J: was that a Twitter joke?

  132. buckyswife
    May 25th, 2009 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    #129 SSB: So the MW color-gnomes can color the strip bluish-purple? As opposed to coloring it orangish-salmon, as they’ve been doing?

  133. Keg of Curd
    May 25th, 2009 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    My Cage: All together now… Awwwwwwwwww!

  134. Toff
    May 25th, 2009 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    The Spectacular Spider-Brick on Beetle Bailey – got that right! I was going to comment on that myself.

    Hi & Lois – Ditto appears to be wearing his snorkel upside-down

  135. buckyswife
    May 25th, 2009 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    JP: I used to teach in a middle school, and this JP assistant principal is exactly the kind of person you want in the job–seriously.

    MT: This conversation makes no sense on two levels:
    Level 1: If many animals are suddenly dying, in what way would it NOT be serious?
    Level 2: Lead poisoning isn’t contagious.

    MW: Geez, Jeff, just kiss him already. Then Adrian can skulk off and be depressed and eat cupcakes, and Mary can follow her and “console” (i.e., meddle with) her, and you can have nostalgia sex with the detective, picturing your monochromatic boyhood lover as you call out, “Sam! Oh god Sam!” Everybody wins!

    SM: For those of you perplexed by the idea that Spiderman has sufficient fans to generate a letter-writing campaign, I think today’s narration box provides the explanation: It’s addressed to the “True Believer,” singular. In other words, there’s one invested reader, and he (and yes, I think we can all easily picture him) generated the “ton” of responses.

    FC: Thel isn’t so upset at the price, or the flirting–it’s the loss of all those poignant memories involving that pole, the bump and grind of the music, the acrobatic moves, the upside-down sexual maneuvers–and then later, much later, the ensuing melon-headed infant and the tears of bitter regret.

  136. Angry Kem
    May 25th, 2009 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    The Wizard of Id is really very, very good at capturing the reign of Richard II.

    I am horrified by the punchline of today’s Shoe, but I’m not entirely sure why. There’s something about the idea of Roz’s hot flash defrosting at least fifty frozen pizzas simultaneously that makes me squirm, take an hour-long shower to wash off the implications, and attempt to remove my own skin with my fingernails.

    My Cage is actually heartwarming today. How on earth did that happen?

  137. Les of the Jungle Patrol
    May 25th, 2009 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    ReFoob: Does anyone remember that Onion article: “Area Prostitutes Gearing Up for Dental Convention”?

    Doonesbury: I predict sunglasses for the Obama icon.

  138. bats :[
    May 25th, 2009 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    133. Keg of Curd: ALL RIIIIIIIIIIGHT!

  139. Les of the Jungle Patrol
    May 25th, 2009 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    ReFoob: Does anyone remember that Onion article: “Area Prostitutes Gearing Up for Dental Convention”?

    Doonesbury: I predict sunglasses for the Obama icon.


  140. John C Fremont
    May 25th, 2009 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    RMMD – Okay, I understood why every Sunday June’s bikini would turn from that sort-of mauve color to that kind of blue-green (Or green-blue. I could never keep my Binny & Smith colors straight.) But yesterday it was bright red, and today it’s black and, well, shiny. Not that I’m complaining, I’m just – Hey you kids, get off my lawn! I’m sorry, what was I talking about?

    MW – Down, boy! Don’t get too carried away. Not in those slacks, at least.

    A3G – Not hub, Gary. Pyle. They’re sending you to Denver Pyle.

  141. kalki
    May 25th, 2009 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    Breaking before the Memorial Day cookery…

    Archie: Archie is viewing a home education tape: “Maintaining Heterosexuality 101″

    Blondie: This time the turtle is wired to some C4.

    Crank: Time for the Wagnerian ending to any party with the family self-immolating themselves.

    DTM: “Not those two, Mr. Wilson. The third knee that keeps bouncing up and poking me when I sit on your lap.”

    CircusJerk: Yes, that’s not the only pole old Dad is swinging around at the moment.

    FW: Teens these days and their fancy methods of cheating…

    Luann: So Elwood is stalking Luann at the library. I don’t know that this as disturbing as his overall look, which marks him as the offspring of Jerry Glanville and Smurfette.

    S-M: Uh…ok. I didn’t know there had been a retcon before in this strip. So, in this timeline, MJ and Pete are swingers and Wolverine is gonna have a threesome with them? Kinky.

  142. commodorejohn
    May 25th, 2009 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft – Listen, could she just die of stress and get it over with? Jesus.

    DT – Yeah, greed totally spin-kicked her into a smokestack. No two ways about it.

    F- – Typecasting is an ugly thing. Just ask Bela Lugosi.

    FC – Well, strictly speaking, Dolly, it was $5 and a routine with the pole.

    GA – Yeah, he’s off to Aldo himself.

    GT – It amuses me that someone who draws things like panel three would bother to draw a reasonable facsimile of Mac OS.

    JP – What exactly is the course of argument they’re going to take? I guess “my daughter and this kid had a spat so she shouldn’t be allowed on the team even though they worked it out?”

    Luann – Oh goody! Time for some more whoring snuggling up to a sugar-daddy dates for money!

    MW – Looks like Jeff needs to change his Depends. At least watching that should be less skeevy than watching Foob Redux here.

    MC – This wins. This just wins.

    Popeye – Is Olive planning to get off? Why does she have to be five hundred miles offshore in order to do so? Actually, never mind, I don’t want to know.

    Shoe – …argh.

    SFx – Not that it’s surprising, but Bob Weber Jr. officially knows more about bird anatomy than Gary Brookins.

    SM – Wolverine will of course be approximately as lame as Electro, only with sideburns. Big sideburns.

  143. gnome de blog
    May 25th, 2009 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    So by the middle of next month, A3G will be about an empty apartment.

  144. gleeb
    May 25th, 2009 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    66 (Bl Drazon): Comic books still make a profit; newspapers have to do everything they can to hold onto readers.

    A&J: Another twitter gag. HAW HAW HAW!

    Brenda: That Salman, he’s as subtle as a case of lockjaw.

    BC: Of course, I expect Not-Parker to suck, so the disappointment is less.

    ‘shaft: The grey balloons really send the message about how proud they are about the whole thing.

    ‘bean: Oh, good. I was having too much fun. Now we get to watch ineffectual juvenile delinquent Cory W., as he goes through his horrible paces. Really, he’s a tall Dennis the menace, as in we’re informed that he’s a bad seed, but in practice, he’s really bad at it.

    H&L: That’s a lot of squid ink.

    Red & Rover: The creator of Adam@Home should not throw stones.

    June Morgan, RN, Quick-change artist.: Rex would go do that, but I think he’s as interested in the fact that June switches bikinis every strip as I am.

    Safe Havens: HAW HAW HAW.

    Zippy/Zits: Will all you cartoonists just shut the hell up about Twitter? I mean, Zits is the only one to make a decent gag about it, using the already established fact that young Jeremy hates his parents and wants to hear from them as little as possible while still using them as a meal ticket. Zits. Let that sink it; Zits is better than all of you.

  145. Calico
    May 25th, 2009 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    MW – Adrain says “Fuck it, Mary, I’m starved. Didn’t you say there’s an Olive Garden a few blocks from Charterstone?”

    MT – Yes, Mark, let’s bring Old Andy to a toxic dumping ground. You genius outdoorsman, you!

    3G – I can see the migraine coming in panel 3.

    FC – A new innovation-Pole Lamp Dancing!
    Bada Bing!

    Beetle – so the tables are going to turn with that brush. Finally.

    Curtis-speaking of dream sequences and such, I’m wondering if this is one of Curtis’ nightmares.

  146. TheDiva
    May 25th, 2009 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    Cathy: This is going to end with Mom-in-Law viewing Cathy as an usurper and murdering her in a bloody fashion, isn’t it? Oh please oh please?

    C’shaft: No, your party was ruined when you decided on that dreary monochromatic color scheme.

    Of course, you could just order pizza or Popeye’s chicken or any other easily accessible take-out, but then we wouldn’t be treated to the “hilarity” of Cranky torching the backyard again, would we?

    FW: Christ, even the teenagers in look middle-aged and chronically depressed.

    Luann: Professional nitpick: why are there no parents/caregivers in the room? In my experience, adults who dump kids in storytime and wander off to use the Internet while the library staff entertains (read: babysits) their charges are thankfully a minority.

  147. dale
    May 25th, 2009 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    Is Cory’s necklace made of pop-beads or were they larger than that?

  148. Puppeh
    May 25th, 2009 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    Why oh why did the item Pop Keane sell to the pretty lady have to be a “pole” lamp? I want to see no sexual innuendo in Family Circus, of all places.

  149. Muffaroo
    May 25th, 2009 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    Poteet @102 – No, no, the narration box said there was sufficient time for treachery, it didn’t promise treachery. However, since it seemed to suggest it by the use of ambiguous language, I’d say that was, indeed, treachery.

    Don’t mess with the narration box!

  150. AmandaHugNKiss
    May 25th, 2009 at 3:36 pm [Reply]

    I’m certainly not a big spidey fan, but how come Peter is an underemplyed whiner if he has scientific prowess that can invent him shoot webs? Come ON!!

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