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Metapost: The best comments of the week![citation needed]

Your top comments are coming shortly, everyone, but there are some ITEMS to enjoy first! We begin with an EXCITING NEW BLOG PROJECT brought to you by Rifftrax writer Conor Lastowka and yours truly. It’s called “[Citation Needed]” and it consists of hilariously bad prose culled from Wikipedia and other wikis. It’s updated when we feel like it, more or less daily, sometimes several times a day (depending on how much time either or both of us spending “doing research”) and you’ll read it and you’ll love it. Check it out!

Also! Faithful reader Mr.??? has pointed me in the direction of the University of Nebraska’s Government Comics Collection. Find out what foul propaganda Big Government has forced your favorite comics characters to spout! Highlights include Rex Morgan talking to you about your unborn child, Dennis the Menace learning how to kill with poison, Mark Trail fighting to save America’s waters, and Dagwood taking out his workplace frustrations on his family. Don’t miss ‘em!

And now, ladies and gentlemen … your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“If you look carefully at Zig’s triangle, it’s clear he’s wearing a thong. He is taking baby steps towards pants-wearing — sexy, tiny baby steps.” –Crankenstank

And the runners up! Very funny!

“I remember when I first laid eyes on her. I had been traveling with the Ringling Brothers Side Show as the World’s Most Boring College Student to make a few bucks. The previous Woman with the World’s Longest Neck had just met an untimely and somewhat grisly end in what would become known throughout the circus world as the Ceiling Fan Incident of 1973. Try as we might, we could never make it work. When it ended I actually thought about taking my own life. Sometimes even now I think back and get despondent. But then, I pick myself up, look around and see that I am with you Dawn, here at Charterstone and realize that suicide would just be redundant.” –Uncle Ritzy Fritz

“Is it just me, or is Wilbur actually attempting to retreat into his sweater as if it were a shell?” –Dragon of Life

“OK, I caught the anachronistic phone, desk lamp, and semi-anachronistic file cabinets, but somehow I totally missed that the desk has no computer! This is like a game, really. ‘Spot the 6 differences between this panel and the present.’ Can I count the haircut?” –MaryAnnTheRest

“The presence of the suit can only mean that this ‘Tim Moore’ fellow has a puppy to give away.” –Drew Funk

“I find myself tickled when strip pretends we care about anything than Mark punching things, especially make-believe things like Mark’s popularity.” –Josharella

“I’m curious just how lax the traffic officers or insane the drivers are in order for a pile-up, multiple cars full of commuters slamming end-on-end in one huge orgy of terror and steel, to occur in what sounds like an intersection downtown, where in most cities its impossible to crawl through at 20 miles an hour on a good day. Or why the carpoolers care, as they are currently miles away on a nearly abandoned suburb road heading away from the city. It can’t be because they give a damn about the heartbreak and loss of life. These are the same people who regularly watch goofy-hair there regularly collide with his postman, and presumably laugh and laugh.” –Taquelli

“Is the angle and placement of Leroy’s fork indicative that this encounter is a prelude to another angry session of Lockhorn lovemaking, with Loretta marching off to the bedroom part of the foreplay? Or is sometimes a fork just a fork?” –R and CT

I just don’t want to share you with anyone else, which is why I’ve taken a firm hold of your face with my teeth.” –TruthOfAngels

“I’m enjoying an audio fantasy of what those 20 words of Mark Trail-ian dialogue sound like through those grimly mashed lips: ‘Iwowaneyemwowwy, wubiswubahdoo!’ ‘Awuswonwannashwahoowihannywonelsh!’” –Mighty Max King

“Well, of course, Wilbur’s schedule for the remainder of this week is completely booked with sandwich + computer + lustful nostalgic daydreaming. Next week is the earliest possible available time for fishing.” –Fountain Mountain Dew

“No, I hate both of you. I mean, ‘fishing.’” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“It’s as if, by pointing to his own eye, Odie hopes to say, ‘Guess what’s even less subtle than winking.’” –JohnsonDelegate

“Is the wife even in a dressing room? The shocked look on that plugger’s face makes me think it is a very, very public place, or that she has mistaken the sitting area near the dressing room as the dressing room. ‘Hurry … Please! The Mall Security is coming!’” –Jackuul

“Oh, come now, we all know lady pluggers don’t have their own credit cards! That’s why Mr. Plugger has to be there, to pay for whatever his wife decides to purchase (with a heavy sigh and a comical roll of the eyes toward heaven, no doubt). There’s nothing in that purse but crumpled-up tissues, a lipstick and a compact, and the latest issue of Women’s Day.” –Mollie

“And let’s not forget the General’s red, irritated, inflamed anus.” –Calico

“I think it says something profound about comics that crazy Bobbie from A3G is holding up a whole page full of swatches of colors and they’re all the exact same shade of yellow.” –Andy L

“You can learn a lot about a man based on the hat he chooses to wear fishing. However, in Kurt’s case, the bridesmaid white pumps tell me that all is not right here.” –Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™

“The desert in Crock is bright yellow because it’s pure sulfur, as they are in Hell.” –DeGroot of All Evil

“I swear to God, if Kurt’s next line is something about how sometimes he doesn’t feel ‘fresh,’ I’m punching this strip in the face.” –Ringo Beaumont III

“‘An uneasy restlessness’ = ‘No matter how well I hide the bodies, someone eventually finds them.’” –TheDiva

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

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74 responses to “Metapost: The best comments of the week![citation needed]

  1. bats :[
    January 11th, 2010 at 10:29 pm [Reply]

    I laughed pretty hard at the CoTW’s comment the first time through.
    Then I felt dirty.
    Kudos and Congrats to all!
    I still feel dirty.

  2. Red Greenback
    January 11th, 2010 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    Mmm, that’s good comments!
    Zig’s Triangle… isn’t that a town in northeast Nevada?

  3. Amateur
    January 11th, 2010 at 10:49 pm [Reply]

    Tsk, tsk. If Conor has time for a new project, that means I was right and the RiffTrax people aren’t churning out new ‘Traxes nearly fast enough.

  4. queek, Source of Cuteness, Kwaii Kommando
    January 11th, 2010 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    bats:[, now I’m thinking of you as Christina Aguilera per her video of the same name, and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. . . .

    ;-)

  5. Rusty
    January 11th, 2010 at 11:06 pm [Reply]

    Congrats to all. Is an uneasy restlessness the same as a burning itch?

  6. Baka Gaijin
    January 11th, 2010 at 11:30 pm [Reply]

    Further congratulations to all. It must have been hard to pick ‘em this week.

  7. cindyinmaine
    January 11th, 2010 at 11:42 pm [Reply]

    Interestingly, I was struck only days ago by this creative start to the ‘history of’ section of Wikipedia’s article on ‘tap dance’. It was still there tonight, and I pray it lasts long enough for others to enjoy it… and see that I speak truth!

    “During the 1930s, 1940s, and 1950s, the best tap dancers, Kassem Ajineh-Polanco and Joseph Rizkallah, moved from vaudeville to cinema and television. Polanco, a Colombian Lebanese sensation, was showing the world his tap dancing skills since the age of 13. It was reported that Ajineh-Polanco’s father bought little Kassem his tap dancing shoes at age 5. Ajineh-Polanco won 9 elementary school talent shows, and eventually went on to win the world Championships in Lincoln, Nebraska when he defeated his arch rival Rizkallah, who later died of high cholesterol and vicodin. Ajineh-Polanco, who now resides in his hometown of Bint Jbeil, Lebanon continues to teach generations of Southern Lebanese boys the art of tap-dancing. Joseph Rizkallah is survived by his Chinese Restaurant and fathers Mini Cooper.”

  8. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 11th, 2010 at 11:47 pm [Reply]

    Jizz Junkie[citation needed]. I laughed shamefully at that one. Actually I’m sure I’ve made enough dodgy Wikipedia edits that I could inadvertantly become part of your new project.

    And congratulations to the floatees. It’s a fine batch.

    In Elrod’s defense, Mark’s friend has a big desk, and new PCs tend not to take up much space. So there could be a computer out of frame. Albeit out of frame because Elrod doesn’t know how to draw it.

  9. bats :[
    January 12th, 2010 at 12:27 am [Reply]

  10. Poteet
    January 12th, 2010 at 12:47 am [Reply]

    Tossed flowers to Crankenstank and the other float riders! A very funny week.

  11. True Fable
    January 12th, 2010 at 1:02 am [Reply]

    Congratulations to Crankenstank and the Float Riders!

    that sort of has a country-western swing band vibe to it.

  12. Muffaroo
    January 12th, 2010 at 1:05 am [Reply]

    That’s what she said!

  13. Poteet
    January 12th, 2010 at 1:15 am [Reply]

    1/12 MW — “It’s okay. Maybe things will change now. Because after I pick your pocket, I’m going to knock you out and throw you into the lake.”

  14. Poteet
    January 12th, 2010 at 1:18 am [Reply]

    1/12 MT — So, like, we’re in Canada now?

  15. True Fable
    January 12th, 2010 at 1:47 am [Reply]

    Meddle Eyre “Growing up without a father also made me use incredibly stiff sentences!”
    “Tell me… have you ever seen anyone rock an uglier porkpie hat?”

  16. bats :[
    January 12th, 2010 at 1:53 am [Reply]

    @True Fable (#15): Hey, now, this hat is made out of USDA Choice Pork!

  17. True Fable
    January 12th, 2010 at 1:53 am [Reply]

    C’haft there’s been a slew of storylines with hints that Crankshaft was on the edge of death or his health was failing, etc. So where’s the Death Cat when you need it?

  18. nil zed
    January 12th, 2010 at 2:30 am [Reply]

    Congrats to the floaters!

    & Josh, love that lean, spare design over at [CT].

  19. nil zed
    January 12th, 2010 at 2:33 am [Reply]

    [CN, N dammit]

  20. Ed Dravecky
    January 12th, 2010 at 2:53 am [Reply]

    @cindyinmaine (#7): Sorry to be a buzzkill but I honestly don’t understand the impulse of some people to anonymously trash the commons like so many drunken frat boys after a football game.

  21. Crankenstank
    January 12th, 2010 at 4:02 am [Reply]

    I thank you all for your flowers!! I can now die happy in my tiny, lonely, nerdy little world.

  22. KarMann
    January 12th, 2010 at 4:49 am [Reply]

    While I certainly side with Ed #20, I’m still going to have to go along enough to post the obligatory XKCD cartoon on the subject.

  23. Lucky
    January 12th, 2010 at 5:09 am [Reply]

    9 Chickweed Lane – Let’s give credit where credit is due. This is starting to resemble the way POWs were treated in WW2 a lot more than it did a few weeks ago when everybody looked down on Granny because she wasn’t waterboarding them. It’s still painfully boring though.

    B.C. – We’re going to spend this whole week copying the same “Magnifying glass is a WMD for ants” joke, aren’t we? At least it’s a lot cleverer concept than Cleats’s gag of the week: “My balls are freezing”, which admittedly sounds a lot funnier when you put it that way.

    Beetle Bailey – Can’t say I saw that coming.

    Funky Winkerbean – Anyone else get the feeling that this story arc is Batiuk’s silent call for help?

    Mother Goose & Grimm – Little Red Riding Hood goes gothy.

    Rose is Rose – Only way this joke could have been funnier is if she was using Twitter, am I right folks!?

    Spider-Man – And this adventure will be slightly exciting… oh who am I kidding?

    Ziggy – And there goes my breakfast.

  24. Ed Power, Cage Writer
    January 12th, 2010 at 5:15 am [Reply]

    Hi all,

    I was waiting to post until I got in early on a post. Otherwise I often kill the thread and have to repost.

    Anyway, I wanted to thank you guys for the support (and, yes, the ridicule :) …It’s like the Pirates of the Carribbean’s exchenge, “You’re the worst pirate I’ve ever heard of” “Ah! But you have heard of me” :D )

    I especially wanted to thank those who wrote letters. I really want to come up with something to give readers who do such a thing, but with a day-job, the strip, and 2 kids under 5 yrs old, time is often fleeting.

    Awhile ago someone (I think it was Lisa) asked based on a comment of mine if ‘My Cage’ is in any danger of being canceled, and all I can say is, in today’s newspaper industry any smaller strip is. :D

    This is actually a very good article on what being a smaller strip today is like:

    http://clearbluewatercomic.wordpress.com/2009/10/01/a-one-year-anniversary-of-sorts/

    If you like “behind the scenes of comics stuff”, it’s a must read!

    Going for us is the loyal and devoted following we’ve gathered. Against us? Well, let’s not think about it. ;)

    Again though, thanks for all the support. As we end our 3rd year, look for the birth of the anti-C…Uh, I mean Rex and Violet’s child, and the wedding planning of Norm and Bridget.

    Oh, and we’re look for an announcement on a POD book in the next few weeks…unless something happens again to hold it back, since it seems jinxed. :D

    Thanks again for the support. And keep ridiculing us. We’ll never get better otherwise. :)

    Best,
    -Ed

  25. Ed Dravecky
    January 12th, 2010 at 5:34 am [Reply]

    Other than the vaguely troubling sensation* I get from laughing un-ironically at today’s Shoe installment, I can’t find much to really snark at today. Sure, June Morgan’s promising to open a can of fresh Whoop-Ass™ on Brook but that threat’s gone unfulfilled for weeks. Yes, Herb feels the need to spell out that an otherwise pointless call to Jamaal is on a “cellular phone” like it’s 1995 but shouldn’t this be a lame texting joke instead? And unless Mark Trail is going to crossover with Mary Worth, I’m at my limit for fishing-centric storylines this month.

    Oh, maybe there’s one thing: In the Funkyverse, popular comic book writers don’t go to comic book conventions, write in coffee shops, or properly balance their meds to make the voices stop telling them to kill (KILL!) but there is never any joy in Mudville Westview as the Mighty Casey has struck out, admitted to steroid abuse, gotten cancer, then died forgotten and alone on a park bench.

    *(Which my doctor says may be Sudden-Onset Uneasy Restlessness.)

  26. John C Fremont
    January 12th, 2010 at 7:28 am [Reply]

    A3G – I can’t wait until we get to the part where Bobbie breaks Aristotle’s legs and forces him to rewrite that prescription.

  27. teenchy
    January 12th, 2010 at 7:40 am [Reply]

    Y bats :[ @ 130: Particularly in East Texas. They got the water what don’t give you the hot poops!

  28. Écureuil Écumant
    January 12th, 2010 at 8:01 am [Reply]

    S-M: It’s well worth the preceding decades weeks of ennui just to witness Spidey’s dreadlocks standing on end in sheer terror. Horripilating!

    GT: I’d likewise be nonplussed to see Josh suddenly pop out of the cosmic void with his fist fully embedded in his temporal lobe.

    FW: Not to mention that back in his room, Pathetic Pete doesn’t have to suck his vodka through a straw to maintain the pretense.

    MW: Kurt won’t be able to shake those lures out of his butt cheeks either, when he stands back up after having sat down in the tackle box.

    MT: Uh-oh! We all remember what happened the last time a float plane swooped down onto a wilderness lake in the Trailiverse. Looks like we’re in for some double, double toil and Tuggle!

  29. Little Guy
    January 12th, 2010 at 8:05 am [Reply]

    yGT: You’re welcome, Pope Josh, oh, BTW, since *we* gave you money in the Tip Jar, it is now *our* board, so you better highlight *our* quotes or we’ll take away *our* board from *our* website run from *our* computer.
    And otherwise make your life difficult and painful.

    Your call.

    GT: What a bunch of Academe Nuts.

    JP: She’s gonna blow!!!

    JP: “No, no, no, NO! We are NOT taking in a homeless cousin of mine! You promised to take care of the last cousin, and look what happened! And don’t get me started of paying off that goat!”

    S4th: Sorry, Ces, Judge Parker is already doing this, and Brook is hotter.

  30. KarMann
    January 12th, 2010 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    @Little Guy (#29): *cough* Judge Parker, you say? *cough*

  31. Les of the Jungle Patrol
    January 12th, 2010 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    On the government comics:

    God Rex Morgan is a dick, giving all of his advice t the husband and just talking to the wife – you, know, the one who is actually pregnant – as an afterthought. For a comic supposedly about prenatal care, it’s got 75% male characters who get almost 90% of the comic. Remember ladies, you’re probably not smart enough to manage your own health!

    Denis the Menace and poison – wow, actually menacing, especially when he sprayed Mr Wilson with weed killer.

    Mark Trail the woodsman is not only not dressed in a boyscout uniform, he’s wearing . . . jodpers? Really? Is he also a World War 2 flying ace?

  32. Motorposus
    January 12th, 2010 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    Congrats Crankenstank et al!

    DT: I probably shouldn’t be alarmed by this method of tuning a violin. The method by which Dick Tracy characters brush their teeth probably involves jamming screwdrivers in their ears.

  33. Mela
    January 12th, 2010 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    A3G: How many handfuls of valium does it take to make someone say “Don’t be dubious” and mean it?

    ‘Shaft: Unless you’re in the Batiuk-verse; you’re expected to feel lousy everywhere.

    FW: For someone who prides himself on his WRITING ability, Batiuk sure holds the profession in contempt. Thank you for continuing to prove you are truly the one of the biggest douchebags in sequential storytelling yet again, Tom.

    GA: Worst. Fundraiser. Ever.

    My Cage: I want to put this by the computer at our front desk, but none of Philly’s papers can be bothered to carry it.

    OBH: Raising passive aggression to a new art.

    PBS: True dat.

    Pluggers: I don’t get it. Is this a reference to those syndicated health columns papers run because they can’t hire real staff?

  34. Numbat
    January 12th, 2010 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    Real Life Adventures - If you have identical twins how can one be a boy and one be a girl?

  35. gleeb
    January 12th, 2010 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    ‘bean: Like one of Shakespeare’s fools or their forebears, the clever slaves of Greek and Roman comedy, it’s the character called Crazy who is the only one to see that Mopey Pete is a loathsome and awful person.

  36. Drew Funk
    January 12th, 2010 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    First comment ever and I’m on the float! Finally I’ve found my life’s true calling.

  37. Miss Othmar
    January 12th, 2010 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Uh oh — wait till June finds out that Brook brought a pet with her…

  38. Little Guy
    January 12th, 2010 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    30: JP2 RMMD: Corrected!

  39. wossname
    January 12th, 2010 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    Congrats to Crankenstank and all the float-riders!

    Motorposus @ 32, thanks for my first guffaw of the morning.

    9CL – “weigh” station? You mean where they weigh the incoming POWs and check their bills of lading? I think you mean “way” station. (But that’s not as bad as misspelling your own characters’ names, like DT.)

    MT – Place your bets now! Mr. Tuggle – good or bad? From a narrative point of view, it would make sense to have a villain appear right about now. (Oh wait – MT… “make sense”… never mind.) On the other hand, Mr. Tuggle has no facial hair, wears a manly windbreaker and flannel shirt, and he fishes. Bets? Guesses?

    MW – In panel 1, they’re about two feet apart. In panel 2, they’re all cuddled up as Kurt stares demonically at Wilbur’s chin. Where is this going? (Although, as Écureuil Écumant pointed out, Kurt was sitting in the tackle box in panel 1, so maybe that’s why he moved.)

    A3G – When we first met Bobbie, wasn’t she making snotty remarks about somebody living on East 10th St.? (which, incidentally, I did many years ago, so maybe that’s why I hate her.) But now she’s all giddy with excitement over buying an apartment “below Delancey St.” You’d think she was on drugs, or crazy.

  40. queek, Source of Cuteness, Kwaii Kommando
    January 12th, 2010 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    Phantom: upon further review, it looks like he’s dodging shells from a 57mm Bofors gun. Someone did the research! However, that gun fires ~220 rds/minute, (more than 3 per second!) so methinks that Stripy-Butt is in deep water. (see surveillance > sea target demonstration video on the above link!)

    HotC: C&H ref.

    JP: wow. the color version makes the Widow D’Vito look like the Widow DD’Vito.

    MG&G: brainbleach, stat!

    MC: the return of the Anti-Robbery Broadsword from QC!

    PBS: hehehehehe

    Lio: Lio’s Dad is made of win.

  41. bats :[
    January 12th, 2010 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    @Les of the Jungle Patrol (#31): ssssh….think calm thoughts….breathe deeply…things will be better…

  42. Bootsy
    January 12th, 2010 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    Congrats, Crankenstank and all the riders!

    MW: Yikes, Kurt looks like he turned into something like a zombie. “Brains! Under pork pie hat!”

    OK, judging by comic strip Spider-Man standards, most of us have spidey-sense, in that we get alarmed when confronted right to our faces by big scary evildoers. Why wasn’t his spiper-sense tingling before he took the sucker punch?

  43. Écureuil Écumant
    January 12th, 2010 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    A3G: In panel 3, Dr. Popapillinus is sure staring at that key. You know what key that is, Doc? It’s the key to the highway. You better use it, pronto.

  44. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 12th, 2010 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    SM: Well, it’s good to know that Spidey has enough juice left in his spider-sense batteries to get a little tingle when a large, clawed blond guy is about to leap into his face.

    What do you think it would do to our nation’s murder rate if, prior to every homicide, the people involved quipped extensively and discussed spelling? I’m guessing the killings would decrease significantly because most people would just get bored and wander off—sort of like your average Spiderman reader.

    FC: Haha! Dolly has internalized the empty threats of her parents, and the cycle of emotional manipulation continuies! Comedy gold!

    HtH: Judging by the size of that rock, I’d say that one of those enemies is god.

    Curtis: “The black Greg Louganis of skating”? Huh? Why not say, oh, the black Michael Phelps of skating, or the black Steven Hawking of skating? Or, perhaps, just “the black Apolo Anton Ohno”?

    MW: Um, it may be too soon to hop into Daddy’s lap, Kurt.

    A3G: I still wonder if Bobbie is crazy, or crazy like a fox. She handled that P.I. pretty well, and isn’t her new apartment near her husband’s? Perhaps her irritable outburst earlier was to be expected; after all, a plan involving a private detective, a philandering (with semi-permission) husband, a kitchen that needs painting, a horny and unethical therapist, multiple prescription medications, and rice pudding has got to cause some stress.

  45. Calico
    January 12th, 2010 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    Dang, y’all – funny stuff.
    I especially am endeared to Diva’s and Dragon’s comments.
    Wilbur really does look turtle-esque, doesn’t he? The green sweater is just a bonus.

  46. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 12th, 2010 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    @wossname (#39): re: MT: I’m wondering the same thing about our new friend Mr. Tuggle. Will he conform to the dichotomous moral order of the Trailverse, or subvert it? Does he plan to grow a beard during this fishing trip?

    And clean shavenness aside, can any true villain sport the name “Tuggle”?

    Oh, and belated Float Congratulations! So very funny, and so frequently disturbing!

  47. Chip Whittle
    January 12th, 2010 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    That’s it, Mom from Baby Blues! Teach your child early and often to distrust her sense of enthusiasm and wonder about the world!

    Dick Tracy: I don’t know anything about tuning a violin and yet I know more than this guy. For instance I know while tuning a violin to actually have a violin and not the plywood template the New Yankee Workshop gang uses to lay out a new kitchen counter with more complicated sinks.

    Family Circus: Dolly holds her brothers in the tight fist of psychological terror forcing them to play along with her mad little “driving” game.

  48. wossname
    January 12th, 2010 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#47): DT – I think (and since this is DT, that comes with a high level of uncertainty) that while Chris Shendo says he’s tuning the Strad, he’s actually turning it into – uh – something else. Like explosives? a transmitter to set off explosives? an anthrax bomb? I dunno.

    But I would love to get one of those complicated violin-shaped sinks you mention!

  49. TheDiva
    January 12th, 2010 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    @Calico (#45): Thankee kindly! And grats to Crankenstank and all the other float riders!
    BRSG: Two days in, and I already love this storyline.

    C’shaft: Crankshaft doesn’t want to spread misery to others? He really must be feeling poorly.

    FW: This is actually pretty close to what I imagine Batiuk to be like.

    MW: Ah, of course–Kurt is a wayward lad because Abby selfishly raised him on her own, thus denying him the Big Strong Male Role-Model every young boy needs in order to not grow up delinquent and/or gay. That he is looking to Wilbur to fulfill the BSMRM requirements is a sign of just how desperate his situation is.

  50. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 12th, 2010 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#49): re: MW: Good point. We can see how Dawn benefited from having that essential male figure in her life; she absolutely embodies those good ole traditional male attributes of strength, directness, and honesty.

  51. Poteet
    January 12th, 2010 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    @Lucky (#23):

    Agreed, and I’ll give credit. I’d much rather follow this story than see various Burber women sexually attacking various men. And if we could get through a good long stretch of this story without Miss Ernst causing someone else to lose his fillings with her amazing vacuum-powered kiss, I’ll be even happier.

  52. Poteet
    January 12th, 2010 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    MW — I promise that from now on, I’ll only say it once a week. DNA test. DNA test. DNA test.

  53. MaryAnnTheRest
    January 12th, 2010 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    Wow, I made the float! Woo-hoo! Congrats to Crankenstank and Co.

    And I’d just like to say to the dropout in Gil Thorp: see, it doesn’t matter that you went to “State” or how much you help the high school girls from 1988. You’re still the janitor in their high school, and while you’re hitting on them, they’re texting each other “Ewww!!”

  54. queek, Source of Cuteness, Kwaii Kommando
    January 12th, 2010 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    You really should have stopped after the earrings , Mr. Crow.

  55. LP2004
    January 12th, 2010 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    DT – You know, I used to wonder what the real difference was between my roughly 100-year-old violin and those made by Stradivarius and the other masters of Cremona. Now, thanks to Dick Tracy, I know: mine was shoddily assembled using cheap glue and varnish; theirs were put together with wood screws. Who knew?

  56. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 12th, 2010 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    1/12

    MT: Is Ben advising Mr. Tuggle on which local brothels have the best selection of BBWs? Because otherwise this conversation is too dull to even consider transcribing.

    A3G: Ari’s life is full of possibilities, too, as tends to happen when a shrink starts boning a married patient. Maybe not the same kinds of possibilites that Bobbie is talking about, though.

    Archie: When Archie walked into the kitchen and saw Jughead on all fours, he momentarily got his hopes (among other things) up. Alas, the junk food junkie man-love was not to be.

    Phantom: I can’t wait until Kit the Twit comes face to face with the Coastal Guard and lays his “I’m not a pirate. This boat is, um, stolen,” excuse on them.

    JP: It looks like the Widow DiVito will be doing the heavy lifting for Sam as far as clearing his client goes. Of course she’s used to heavy lifting from every time she stands up. (Seriously, Eduardo. It’s okay to take it down a notch here and there.)

    MC: Ashley doesn’t have a broadsword? I guess her teeth and claws are enough to get the job done most of the time.

    Popeye: In the Popeye backstory, Swee’ Pea was a foundling dropped on Popeye’s doorstep in a box. He’s not actually Popey and Olive’s son. What I’m saying is that that vasectomy Popeye got turned out to be a waste of money.

    DtM: What Joey is up to is swanning about in black tights. This whole gender-bending thing is cool and all, but it is Winter, lad. Try putting on trousers while your out in the elements.

    Marvin: “Superior intellect”? Oh, I see. This homunculus isn’t Marvin’s id. It’s his secret death urge.

    6C: Sylvia Plath gags? I approve!

    H&J: The other driver looks a little like Yolanda. I wonder if Jamaal is gonna be pissed that Herb banged her before he did. (Sorry.)

    OBH: And now, a sketch about architects. THE ARCHITECT SKETCH! THE ARCHITECT SKETCH!

    M-Dawg: The playing dead is to lull the vet into a false sense of security, of course.

    Baldo: I was hoping that Tia Carmen was just playing along with those scammers. Apparently this is her first time out of the house in about 40 years.

    FW: Mopey Pete’s imaginary friends insisted he get out of the house because his self pity was bringing them down.

    FC: “Stop grabbing my ass, PJ.”

  57. Chip Whittle
    January 12th, 2010 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    Annie: So with just a little pluck and luck, the Blue Circle is in the process of assassinating by bio-toxin the population of Albuquerque without meaning to at all. I’ll credit the authors for putting out a story that’s finally gotten started and gotten interesting, but boy did the Blue Circle stumble into its terrorism by stupid accident.

    See, Broom Hilda is funny today because tofu is this weird exotic food thing that nobody in the United States has been familiar with for the past forty years. Next up: the return of the days when saying “pizza” was boffo laffs.

  58. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 12th, 2010 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    #40 queek,
    Good catch on MC. I love Questonable Content.

  59. commodorejohn
    January 12th, 2010 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    A3G – Aristotle looks remarkably calm for being in the company of a woman who has so obviously just flipped her lid. Maybe he’s just resigned to eventually being her blood sacrifice to the voices in her head.

    BrS – Oh baby.

    FW – It’s no wonder Batiuk has so many good friends in the comic industry.

    JP – Good lord. Tifa isn’t that stacked. I think Baretto’s trying to raise the bar, if you get my drift…

    Lio – Good to know they have their priorities straight.

    Luann – Brad hasn’t had any “major growth years.” He hasn’t grown at all. He’s a twelve-year-old in a young man’s body, still under the thumb of the people who ran his life back then, and still completely immature and expecting everything he wants to just come to him.

    MT – Judging by the powder-blue jacket plus orange plaid flannel shirt ensemble, I’m going to hazard a guess that Mr. Tuggle here actually hails from Mary Worth.

    MW – So the message here is either going to be another rehash of “stay away from the Internet at all costs,” or “years of abandonment issues can be resolved with a fishing trip.” Fun, fun…

    MC – The lady has style. Hey, Maureen, it’s not too late to find a signature weapon for yourself, y’know. You look like a potential archery chick to me, but who knows?

    Ghost-Who-Knows-Good-Artillerymanship-When-He-Sees-It – It’s Darth Vader’s helmet with a gun sticking out. How cool is that?

    Popeye – Why does Popeye hang around with any of these people? Olive is a complete bitch, and Swee’Pea is a little monster.

    RMMD – Two words, June: Starfish Boy. Whose idea was that, again? (An alternate two words could be “garage cleaning,” but I’ll leave that notion for, say, Alfred E. Neuman.)

  60. gnome de blog
    January 12th, 2010 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    Just what we need: a couple of days of the Widow DiVito to distract us from the drabness of Abbey and Godiva. Sam should invite her to dinner.

  61. UncleJeff
    January 12th, 2010 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    The Amazing Spider-Dork: I see Sam Raimi, Toby Maguire and Kirsten Dunst have all jumped ship from “Spiderman 4″ in a dispute over the scripts.
    You don’t suppose the guys writing the comic strip have also been writing the movie?

  62. Joe Blevins
    January 12th, 2010 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    My unborn child…? I figured Rex Morgan would be more interested in my prostate. Oh, wait, no. I’m of legal drinking age. Sorry.

  63. mollificent
    January 12th, 2010 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#61): Oh, thank God. I would love to see Spiderman 4 just sort of disappear. I mean, come on…S3 was already two hours of my life I’m never going to get back. It kind of pisses me off that Hollywood latches on to an initially sort of fun idea and decides there need to be about six lame sequels. (Are you listening to me, Pirates of the Caribbean producers? Yeah, YOU.)

  64. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 12th, 2010 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#61): And apparently, they’re going to “reboot” the series by jumping back in time—because that worked out so well for the daily strip.

  65. commodorejohn
    January 12th, 2010 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @mollificent (#63): Word. Modern Hollywood just does not know when to stop.

  66. odinthor
    January 12th, 2010 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    bourbon babe, unbuckled.

    Curtis: “The black Greg Louganis of skating”? Huh? Why not say, oh, the black Michael Phelps of skating, or the black Steven Hawking of skating? Or, perhaps, just “the black Apolo Anton Ohno”?

    The black Algernon Swinburne of skating. The black Niccolò Piccinino of skating. The black Friedrich Heine of skating. The black Lupino Lane of skating. The black Jean-Georges Noverre of skating. The black Señor Wences of skating. Sigh, too many choices…

  67. Lloyd S.
    January 12th, 2010 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    Congrats on “Citation Needed,” but do you have time for another major project? Also, I assume that you’re planning on adding some snazzy graphics, and at modest explanation of what Citation Needed is doing – pasting in the one used on this page would suffice. After all, those of us who are used to the consistently high standards of CC, not to mention the fabulous new Josh of the Jaundiced Eye CC logo, can hardly be expected to settle for bare white background and black print.

  68. Muffaroo
    January 12th, 2010 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#44): Maybe it has to do with Louganis’s reluctance to disclose his sexual orientation, and Curtis can’t think of a better way to tell us something about how he ignores a girl who wants him in order to haunt one who can’t stand him.

  69. queek, Source of Cuteness, Kwaii Kommando
    January 12th, 2010 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    56, 59: Ashley can be the Staff Chick! (Hot Witch might also be appropriate, but per the MyCage Unlimited fanart, Ashley wields a scythe!)

    Every so often, the Real World does something that reminds me of here. Last evening, I had not one, not two, but two back-to-back commercials that reminded me of here! First one was a Sears Optical ad where a gal invites a raccoon into her house thinking it’s her cat, followed right after by another ad where an evil scary clown doll was taking over the house. Amusement ensued.

  70. queek, Source of Cuteness, Kwaii Kommando
    January 12th, 2010 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    for those who haven’t seen it before, here’s My Cage Unlimited

  71. Earthgirl
    January 12th, 2010 at 11:22 pm [Reply]

    Why… why is Mark Trail wearing a pork pie hat and jodhpurs? Is it decade mix n’ match fancy dress day in the Lost Forest? Who is this blond, normal-looking child, and what has he done with Rusty? Most worrisome of all, why is Mark smoking a pipe?! Shouldn’t such unwholesome activities be left to someone with facial hair? What will all the impressionable young children who read Woods & Wildlife think? What about Mark’s reputation???

  72. Earthgirl
    January 12th, 2010 at 11:24 pm [Reply]

    @Earthgirl (#71): … Or maybe that’s just what Jackelrod thinks the Pennsylvanians dress like.

  73. Jake
    January 13th, 2010 at 1:26 am [Reply]

    There was a sequel to that Rex Morgan fetal alcohol comic that added a racial angle by making it about drunken Indians.

  74. mymp3mp4mp5
    August 22nd, 2010 at 9:31 pm [Reply]

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