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I see dead jerks

The Lockhorns, 6/25/10

I’m deeply intrigued by the looks Leroy and the gentleman half of the rapidly departing couple are flashing at each other. That sheepish, crumpled smile is Leroy’s usual expression when he does something shamefully enjoyable, often while drunk (generally this is flirting with a statuesque blonde three times his height). The easy answer is, of course, that this guy is Leroy’s gay lover, but in fact I think the situation is sadder and more poignant: Leroy has finally made his first-ever friend. He was so excited at experiencing a brief moment of human contact that wasn’t steeped in passive-aggressive bile that he invited the man over to visit without asking or even telling his wife. “Sorry, new friend!” Leroy is thinking as he waves. “We’ll do this again sometime!” “That Leroy’s a nice guy,” the other fellow thinks, “But just being around him and his wife for 45 seconds has almost sapped my will to live. We’re never coming back here again.”

Funky Winkerbean, 6/24/10

Oh, darn, Funky survived after all, and now he has something else to be pissy and self-righteous about. Unless … that inky black panel really was his death, and now he’s a dead-and-doesn’t-know-it ghost, à la Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense. Seeing how much everyone resents his angry dickishness and fails to mourn him would be a suitable punishment for his various crimes.

531 responses to “I see dead jerks”

  1. Écureuil Écumant
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    The other car is now sitting on a beach with a flat tire.

  2. BringTheNoise
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    I feel cheated by FW. No death? Why the hell not? Is a car crash not horrific enough for this universe?

    And what was the point of that black panel anyway? Bah!

  3. jayjaybear
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    Luann: Wow, Luann’s a bitch! I thought she saw Gunther as at least a friend. But she has no qualms spreading his extremely embarassing experience around the whole school. I knew quite a few girls like that in HS, actually…

  4. Bootsy
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    MT: I’d like to think an off-panel monster has Rusty by the foot and is flinging him all over the place.

  5. Sharktattoo
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    Ok, totally non-snarky, but…what the hell is up with Funky and Crankshaft? These are supposed to be comic strips, right? Hell, even Boondocks manages a funny line now and then.

  6. Sunny Paris
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    I think if you examine that last panel closely you will see that the other car has appeared to have gone off a cliff. It’s too bad Batiuk didn’t show us the cancer-surviving baby and the four rescue puppies that had been in the back seat before careening cell-phone lady to her death. That would have been ever so sweet.

  7. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    Nancy (6-25): Mickey Mouse, the Three Stooges AND a Sassy lookalike? This strip is… AWESOME!!!

  8. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    MT: Rusty Trail: more horrific in sorrow or in joy? Discuss.

    SM: It’s just not a Spider-Man storyline until Spidey gets knocked on his ass.

    FC: Daddy Keane can’t keep up the lawn care because he’s too busy playing with what’s inside the “special briefcase.”

    JP: Older men? She’s, what, 19? All men are “older men.”

    MW: I will be really disappointed if that green contraption isn’t some form of sex furniture.

  9. Yuudai.
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    Well, we don’t see the front seat, so Funky’s body may still be in there.

    Here’s hoping your ‘guessing-the-future-plot-of-Funky-Winkerbean-even-though-really-you’re-just-joking-but-then-it-turns-out-to-be-true’-based superpowers are still working.

  10. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    Is Loretta a hobbit or are those supposed to be bedroom slippers?

  11. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    @True Fable (#y301): & @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#y326): Oh, excellent morning squee! (I’m worried about my sister’s sick pup, and the animal squee is a good spirit-lifter.)

    @Écureuil Écumant (#1): Just wait until Death Kitty knocks the jack out from underneath it.

  12. Sequitur
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#10): She’s Hobbitesque.

  13. PoeWar
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    Wow. That car crash was really upsetting. Funky lived.

  14. TheDiva
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    C’shaft: Pam breathes a sigh of relief, thankful that she was able to minimize the browser window in time.

    FW: My dad, not long after he hit a deer with his Harley, said “Any accident you can walk away from is a good one.” I suppose Funky would say “Any accident you can walk away from is another excuse to be angry and bitter about your life.”

    Luann: Tonight, on a very special Luann, Luann discovers her latent humiliation fetish.

    MW: Unfortunately, because Mary has given her blessing [*] to this match, it will be bland passionless love at first sight. Too bad–I was looking forward to Queenie Redux.

    PBS: Oh come on, that’s a perfectly acceptable use for the item!

    Pluggers can’t even gamble properly.

  15. lizaroni
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    A3G – I’m a little confused. Gina (or whoever) just called Blase Luann’s cousin, but for some reason I thought Blase was related to Tommie. Can anybody clue me in on the relationship between these 3?

    Thanks for saving a little bit of my sanity.

  16. commodorejohn
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    A3G – Hee hee!

    Bizarro – 1776 wasn’t an invasion, they were the incumbent government!


    Crankshaft – Crankshaft: it’s like The Lockhorns, but with more pure, unadulterated spite.

    DT – You know, Dick Tracy doesn’t make any more sense than usual today, but at least the characters have shut up.

    FW – A-yep. Cheap fakeout with no discernible purpose or further repercussions? That’s our Batiuk!

    GT – So the entrance to the Pit is indicated by the building wall sloping in on iself? I guess the residents of Milford have learned to use the local space-time anomalies as architectural features.

    H&L – Because handwriting magically makes your words more special. Gah.

    JP – Say, Neddy, think you can project your rack a little more?

    Love Is… – illegal in 48 states.

    I pray to God that this storyline gets Luann pulled from the papers. May it die a fiery, horrible death at the hands of the outraged readers.

    MT – *rolling on the floor laughing my lungs out*

    MW – Wow, a red dress? Isn’t Charterstone the kind of place where that means you’re a whore? Mary must be really desperate to get Jenna babied up if she’s impelling her to break The Dress Code.

    MC – I love this strip.

    PBS – Are you kidding? That’s exactly what it’s for.

    Phantom – Oh, get over yourself already.

    RMMD – *slack-jawed amazement*

    SM – Do it again!

    Edison Lee – So wait. Edison Lee does a storyline featuring an 1800s author, sets up a Lost joke, misses the chance for a reference to Jules Verne’s The Mysterious Island, and doesn’t even go through with the joke!? Wow. This is some shit, right here.

    Ziggy – Ziggy being moderately amusing? I can’t see the moon from in here; has it turned to blood?

  17. fishmorgjp
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    I agree that Funky is probably dead-but-doesn’t-know-it, but maybe the girl’s car has fallen off an unusually high cliff… and for the next week or so, we will see Funky walking around and muttering, intercut with panels of the horrified girl falling and falling and falling.

  18. commodorejohn
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#14): Tonight, on a very special Luann, Luann discovers her latent humiliation fetish.
    Latent? It’s practically the subtitle of the strip.

  19. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    Soup to Nutz: Babs, what your brother lacks in couth, he makes up for in talent. Not everyone can toot and eat at the same time!

  20. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    A3G: I’d thought that Margo was meant to be a smart cookie. So why does she need a program to find out when Tommie’s solo ends? It should be right around the time that Tommie stops singing.

  21. Killercoconut
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    I had the exact same thought about FW. Because the only suffering worse than death is wandering the earth for eternity listening to everybody talk about what a tool you are.

  22. Weaselboy
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    I think this story line would have been much more satisfying for every one if Funky had been driving a Toyota.

  23. Sequitur
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#16):

    I can’t see the moon from in here; has it turned to blood?

    Ask Luann.

  24. Spunde
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    Hey, now. Funky’s car died [*]. Isn’t that enough for you vultures?

  25. FafMor
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    Funky is saved at the last second by Talky McLady’s cell-phone induced brain tumor suddenly errupting and causing her to swerve off the cliff instead of crash into him. However, the trauma isn’t over, as falling car will careen onto Summer as she drives below, resulting in a huge fireball. The disaster triggers a PTSD in Wally, who kills himself after shooting what remains of the cast in a delusional flashback.

  26. AndyL
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    Whatever death style points Funky Winkerbean might have gained by portraying the reaper as a masked butler they should lose as a penalty for misuse of an all-black panel.

  27. Tom Allen
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    Whoa! Where’s the Sixth Sense spoiler alert? Bruce Willis plays an angry dick?

  28. Icepick Jones
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    Funky, in the most appropriate choice of vehicles in recorded history, seems to be rocking a crappy black hearse. Foreshadowing for his own demise mayhaps? He knows the grim sprectre of death is constantly on his shoulder and this is just one of his many, many reminders to other people.

    I’d love to see his business card.

    Funky Winkerbean
    Depressed Fat Curmudgeon
    “I’m going to die of cancer soon, probably”

  29. Écureuil Écumant
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: Teaches us a number of things today.

    1) Pluggers take along every damn piece of clothing they own when they go on vacation.

    2) They use up all their coins in the coin-op laundry because they can only fit one piece of their clothing in the machines per each load.

    3) They carry their coins in their hands because if they ever put anything in their pockets, they have to take their pants off to get it out again.

  30. spike
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    @athena (#y314): Funky Winkerbean: putting the “fun” in “funnies”…

    More like: Putting the fun in “dysfunctional” (or “funerals”–Taker yer pick!).

  31. Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    When the ambulance arrives to take the other driver to the hospital, I hope her last line is “I did it for Johnny!”

  32. Hi There
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    FW: Having avoided getting his ugly mug plastered across the county highway, Funky steps out of his car to check for damages. A bird flies past, dropping a load of crap into Funky’s face. Blinded, Funky staggers into the weeds, where he steps on a rusty bear trap which crushes his ankle. As he bends over to untangle himself from the trap, his pants split open to reveal bright red boxers. A passing bull happens to see the oversized boxers and becomes enraged. The bull charges Funky, sending him tit-over-ass into the air. Funky unexpectedly lands in a flying saucer, which is driven by two slimy slugs with eyes on the palms of their hands. Surprised, the slugs tilt their flying saucer recklessly, dropping Funky into a handy hospital dumpster. Funky spends the rest of the day picking broken glass and used hypodermics from his naked body.
    As the sun sets, Funky climbs out of the dumpster and realizes that he is no longer in Funkytown. Somehow, he has ended up in Iraq. Funky is promptly captured by insurgent forces and locked in a closet for a decade.
    When he finally escapes, Funky finds that he has breast cancer, post-traumatic stress disorder, and a bad case of diarrhea.
    Meanwhile, Funky’s wife marries Les, Montoni’s burns down, Wally elopes with Summer and his gun, Lefty becomes chair of the Federal Reserve Board, and the Mariners win the World Series. Also, Funky misses his annual proctology exam.
    “Boy, think of what would’ve happened if I HAD guzzled that screwdriver,” says Funky, a little sadder but much wiser.

    This has been a special message from ‘The Committee to Nominate Tom Batiuk for A Pulitzer Prize.’ Our motto: “If it’s good enough for ‘Doonesbury’, it’s good enough for ‘Funky Winkerbean.’”

  33. Écureuil Écumant
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    GT: Clapton is “Slowhand”; Slim Chance is “Flathand”.

  34. zenvelo
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    so Funky’s gonna leave the scene. Now we’ll have to sit through his felony hit and run trial. This strip is about to get REALLY boring.

    and Funky drives what my son calls a “PT Loser”.

  35. Cranky
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    It’s practically his slogan: Spider-Man: He gets in the way!

  36. Sequitur
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    @Hi There (#32): I had no idea that Funky was Wile E. Coyote.

  37. Brian Steinberg, Comics Examiner
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    I maintain Funky’s in for worse treatment in the days ahead. After all, this is the strip that essentially says, “For every silver lining, there’s a cloud–alive-for-now

    And what to make of the oddball pop-culture references in “Sally Forth”?

  38. Edgy DC
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    Ha! Funky’s one of the 19 fools who fell for Chrysler’s painfully strained retro-chic neo-noir marketing of the PT Cruiser.

  39. Rusty
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    FW: Ohio may be too flat to have any cliffs. Maybe she drove over a berm.

  40. Les of the Jungle Patrol
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#16): I thought Boondocks was in reruns? Are there new strips now? Where can I find them?

  41. Patrick
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    I’m trying to think of the scenario which would lead to Leroy being in a polo and slacks, his guests being in natty suits, and Loretta in curlers and slippers all at the same time. Did the new friends follow Leroy home from work, and Loretta goes to bed before sundown? Did they show up for an impromptu brunch?

    More likely, Leroy found them on a swingers’ website and invited the dashing young couple over at 4am for a quickie. Loretta’s just mad that she didn’t have time to set up the dungeon.

  42. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: I smell a cover-up!

    Crankshaft: Jeff’s pissed at Pam because he’s been waiting weeks for his Marmaduke DVD to arrive!

    Cathy: It’s funnier if you imagine Dr. Mike Roberts on the other end!

  43. Aaron
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    Funky survives an almost-deadly car crash and his first thought is to complain that the other driver sped away? Truly, every silver lining has its cloud in the world of Funky Winkerbean.

  44. Calico
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    @zenvelo (#34):
    Thos PT thingys remind me of miniature hearses. Fairly appropriate for FW.

  45. Sara
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    I’d say the PT Cruiser’s abysmal reliability record is punishment enough for Funky’s sins today. Self-inflicted, silly-looking Bobo nostalgic punishment.

  46. Calico
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:33 am [Reply]


    FC – “Our lawn is the best…look at all the red mushrooms with white polka dots on them that I collected, Mommy! I just ate two and they taste really good!”

  47. Ray Jay
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    That black PT cruiser looks like the hearse for Gary Coleman.

  48. Gabacho
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp – Why is Gil concerned about the uniforms in the video? Is he afraid that it will cheapen the Milford brand? Because I don’t see how that would happen.

  49. NoahSnark
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    Funky driving the car into a ditch seems like a good metaphor for the entire strip.

  50. Rimpy
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    Funky’s PT Cruiser (same car Batiuk recently crashed in – look it up) does not appear to be damaged in any way, despite being in a ditch. So what’s with the smoke or steam rising from the hood? Oh, wait, that’s a piece of my soul, because I died a little inside when I found out that Funky appears to still be alive.

  51. Mason Montresor
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    Let’s play What Vital Thing is Lt. Fuzz Ttrying to Tell Gen. Halftack!

    I’M H – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - IT.
    YOU – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - ONG
    PRO – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - ME
    HEA – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - AND


  52. Larry McAwful
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    I see where this is going. The other driver has crashed (or is about to). Funky’s going to hear the crash and runs to help the woman. When he sees her lying there unconscious, he picks up her cell phone to call 911. Then Funky develops a relationship with this woman, now wheelchair-bound, and wrecks his marriage with infidelity. He then commiserates with Les, who has also delved into infidelity with Susan. More brushes with alcoholism and bad novels. Life goes on.

  53. spike
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    @Rusty (#39): Westview is supposedly a suburb of Cleveland, Rusty. Close to, but not exactly what I’d describe as “flatlands”–that’d be Columbus. There are plenty of cliffs overlooking Lake Erie up here as well.

  54. Calico
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    @Rimpy (#50):
    What was Batuik doing when he crashed? Texting? Not-drinking? Thinking of more horrible plot twists?

  55. Shawn S.
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    The next few weeks of Funkytown will parallel “It’s A Wonderful Life”, except the town will now be pleasant and cancer free. Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Montoni’s!

  56. Calico
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    @Larry McAwful (#52):
    Or, while he goes to help the girl driver who crahed, a car will come speeding forth, strikes a buck standing in the middle of the road, the buck goes flying, and his horns impale Funky. Funky bleeds out right then and there.

    The end.

  57. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    A couple of “road less traveled” strips:

    Quigmans: A shirtless Wilbur Weston impersonates Dr. Mike. (Please pass the eyebleach!)

    Red & Rover: An elephant is sitting in what appears to be its own excrement. (More eyebleach!)

  58. Larry McAwful
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    @Shawn S. (#55): “You better not have hit that tree! My grandfather planted that tree! It’s the oldest tree in Westview! And, you know, nothing usually lives that long in this town!”

  59. Larry Fine
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    S-M — “Mr. Stark — why the armor?”
    “I’m about to do something heroic. You should try that sometime.”

  60. Shawn S.
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    @Mason Montresor (#51):

    Haha, I’ll play!

    Let’s play What Vital Thing is Lt. Fuzz Ttrying to Tell Gen. Halftack!

    I’M H – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – IT.
    YOU – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ONG
    PRO – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ME
    HEA – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – AND


  61. commodorejohn
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    @Les of the Jungle Patrol (#40): No, still reruns. I’m just shouting into the wind, is all.

  62. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    You’ll be happy to know that the large pile of dirty laundry from Brian Crane’s PICKLES has been outsourced to Gary Brookins’ PLUGGERS for a through cleaning by Plugger Chicken Lady.

    Bonus Eyebleach Moment: You get to imagine Earl Pickles NAKED!!!

  63. Larry Fine
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    DtM — Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell are eternal optimists: shopping for a refrigerator large enough for Dennis to crawl into and suffocate.

  64. Larry Fine
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    Henry — My god, are they still printing Henry?!?

  65. TheOriginalSteve-Dave
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    @Rusty (#39):

    Was intending to point that out, but then thought about the terrain in eastern Ohio, as opposed to here in the southwest.

    Where in Ohio, exactly, are they? East of Cleveland? Athens?

  66. bobbaloo
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    downsizing everywhere, even in FW. The Phantom of the Opera has been replaced by an inky blob o’ death?

  67. TheOriginalSteve-Dave
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    @Larry Fine (#64):

    There’s a Henry cartoon on a Betty Boop DVD we have, and it melts brain cells.
    I didn’t remember Henry as being all that stupid when I was a kid.

  68. Larry Fine
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    MT — Mark, you not only have our permission to punch Rusty, you have our blessing.

  69. TheOriginalSteve-Dave
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    @spike (#53):
    Didn’t see that before I replied to Rusty. Mea culpa.

  70. Dan Coyle
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    Seriously, is there anyone in Tom Batiuk’s life willing to explain to him how hacky and cruelly manipulative his storytelling is at this point?

  71. Pop Goes the Weasel
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    Curious construction (timing?) on Gil Thorp. In the third panel, girl breaks in on blond guy’s statement, presumably to interject a (rare) punchline; but her speech balloon is hidden so far in the bottom corner that it took me awhile to find it (leaving the impression that blond guy was having a stroke).

  72. Zemto
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    FW: I predict that the other driver is dead, Funky leaves the scene and has a drink, and Funky is charged with intoxication manslaughter. Good times!

  73. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    @Mason Montresor (#51):

    Let’s play What Vital Thing is Lt. Fuzz Ttrying to Tell Gen. Halftack!

    I’M H – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – IT.
    YOU – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ONG
    PRO – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ME
    HEA – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – AND

    I’M Horny, and you’re the reason for IT.
    YOU and your one-star schlONG
    PRObe me, harangue me, salute ME
    HEAvy DA,DT–ain’t it grAND.

  74. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    @Larry Fine (#64): Dean’s Comic Booth poked fun at Henry a couple of days ago, so yeah, the strip’s still running!

  75. Anonymous
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    Per Leroy and Loretta, it seems there’s more of a Strangers on a Train situation, in which they’ve both agreed to murder each other’s wives, but it looks like his new friend is planning to double-cross him. Sadly, Leroy is too blissed out by the impending murder to notice.

  76. Iconoclast
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    Actually, “Funky Winkerbean” isn’t doing a “Sixth Sense” narrative, it’s a “Christmas Carol” narrative. Pretty soon Funky will be visited by the Ghost of Aldo Kelrast’s past, who will convince him to drink as much as he can.

  77. Tophat
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    Is this a commentary about lousy people with cell phones ruining the lives of everyone forever? Or is it a subtle, yet scathing commentary about the dangers of operating a car while you’re not in the driver’s seat? I’m a little confused on how Funky got out of the car in the second panel, because he sure as hell wasn’t in the driver’s seat in the first one.

  78. erak
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    So will Dead Funky join Dead Lisa in watching Les hook up with various members of the faculty? After the strip’s next time jump, I predict an entire studio audience of the dead lovingly gaze upon Plugger Les’s Viagra adventures.

  79. Larry McAwful
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    @Mason Montresor (#51):

    I’M H – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – IT.
    YOU – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ONG
    PRO – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ME
    HEA – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – AND


  80. McManx
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    Funky — The only way to be sure Funky is dead is if Masky McDeath is on the scene. Unfortunately, it seems it is just the Vat Spirit from “Wizard of Id” hovering over Funky’s car in panels one and two. I’m not sure that counts.

  81. Poteet
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    FW — I can’t even begin to express how much I want that Sixth Sense scenario to be true. And if it isn’t true *sob*, then someone should start a Dead Funky site to make it true. Just seeing Dead Funky arguing with Dead Lisa about whom they should haunt would be worth it.

  82. spike
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    @TheOriginalSteve-Dave (#69): Not a problem. I do that as well–just ask Sequitur…

    Batiuk resides in Medina, OH, SW of Cleveland and NW of Akron. Montoni’s is based on Luigi’s Restaurant in Akron.

    @erak (#78): Only if Rod Serling appears in Panel 1 of tomorrow’s installment with one of his trademark openings: “Submitted for your approval…a man, struggling with many personal issues, goes out for a drive. His journey passes directly through…the Twilight Zone.”

  83. Dude...Wait...What?
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    Jenna showing a hint of self-awareness that she is being meddled with. Copious amounts of alcohol and shameless first date sex should fix that

  84. Mason Montresor
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    @erak (#78): Oh, I think it’ll be the other way around. Les with be forced to watch Lisa and Funky making sweet, sweet spectral love.

  85. Poor Thompson
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    For several years a debate raged on the internet over the possibility that Garfield was dead or dying and that the events of every strip following Oct. 28, 1989 were happening in his imagination. ( )

    I thought that was where Batuik was going with this, but that would actually be a less bleak reality than the one already existing in the Funkyverse.

  86. Dude...Wait...What?
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth v. the Puppet Master

    Both are evil overloards attempting to physically control their victims, forcing them to wear their respective red outfits. I hope that in lieu of Iron Smack smacking Peter, Jenna will follow suit and commence her date by beating the good doctor

  87. seismic-2
    June 25th, 2010 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    I haven’t had time to read the blog this week, so this may have been posted and thoroughly discussed already, and I apologize if it has been. However, it’s too good not to pass along, just in case no one else has done so yet. In the Washington Post’s Comics Riffs blog today, there is a story about a start-up Website in which professional cartoonists share photographs of their studios (or homes, or wherever they do their work). Among those who have shared these glimpses into their private worlds is Tom Batiuk. Go to his page on the site, click on the link to “The Lisa Shrine”, and prepare to puke all over your keyboard.

  88. Old School Allie Cat
    June 25th, 2010 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    I was thoroughly disappointed by both Funky and Luann today, and then I read Pearls Before Swine. Vive Le Pastis!

    Even though I freaking hate that elephant.

  89. Calico
    June 25th, 2010 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#87):
    Mmmmmkay, here we go…
    Yes, I just saw the shrine. Jesus.

  90. MaryAnnTheRest
    June 25th, 2010 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    @Larry McAwful (#58): “I hate this drafty old, lead-paint covered, asbestos-riddled house built on a Superfund site/Indian graveyard!”

    “Kids, pray for Daddy. He knows all of Westview is built on a Superfund site/Indian graveyard.”

    I also picture a long line of people waiting to throw themselves off the town bridge.

    “Every time a bell rings, someone rips off an angel’s wings.”

  91. carbunicle
    June 25th, 2010 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    @Rimpy (#50): I did not know that. You have to be a pretty thorough dick to draw a strip “examining” your own dickishness.

  92. Sequitur
    June 25th, 2010 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#87): I knew to check this out before lunch. I notice that Tom took 3rd place in his own race.

    One thing that surprised me is that he has a cheerful, sunny work area. I always figured he’d be working in a bowels-of-hell, Bob Cratchit-like hovel of despair where only gloom and doom inducing thoughts would be the by-product of the environment.

  93. Krazy Kat
    June 25th, 2010 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    HOLY SHIT I’VE SEEN THIS MOVIE BEFORE. Funky is going to have to walk to town to call a tow truck, but the town will be sparsely populated by creepy, inbred rednecks who kidnap him, dress him in a gimp suit, and make him “squeal like a piggy.” On the plus side, he’ll stop worrying about the fact that he just put his father in a nursing home.

  94. Steve S
    June 25th, 2010 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    Does it reflect badly on me that I was actively hoping Funky would die? On the plus side, the ninth circle of hell wouldn’t have been any worse on him than having to go back to Funky Winkerbean.

  95. commodorejohn
    June 25th, 2010 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#87): Oh dear God. It’s the Les/Lisa figurines that really make the black, black magic happen, I think. It’s like an Ed Gein Precious Moments collection.

  96. mvg
    June 25th, 2010 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    Rusty (39): We have plenty of cliffs in Northeast Ohio. Just not enough people use them. (Batiuk, for one.)

  97. ElkMeadow
    June 25th, 2010 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#7):

    Thanks for the tip!

  98. Rana
    June 25th, 2010 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#81): I can’t imagine that it would be that hard to do a Dead Funky strip, either. Just gray him out slightly, and erase any lines that could be taken as someone responding directly to anything he says or does. Since both conditions are already fairly common anyway, it would take a while for anyone to notice.

  99. Austria
    June 25th, 2010 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    Arch: You know, I just realized. It’s June. School is OUT. What gives? Is this some kind of Bizzaro-World where school runs year-round? Are the Archie characters in Hell for the sins they committed on Earth? Let’s see, Archie would be in the Lust circle, while Jughead would reside in Gluttony…Reggie is in Vanity…

    BB: @Mason Montresor (#51):

    Let’s play What Vital Thing is Lt. Fuzz Ttrying to Tell Gen. Halftack!


    FW: …*clears throat* LAME. LAME. LAAAAAAAAAME. Geez louise, even diving further into the pit of misery and despair and cancer would have been better than this. What a cop-out. Although, we do still have yet to see what happened to Chatty McCellphone…

    Luann: Smiling and “bare glory”…honey, there’s no way you’re traumatized. Face it, you like yourself some pasty white nerd tush.


    MC: ……This baby is now officially my favorite character. Sorry, Jeff Shark. You’ve been replaced.

  100. Push Trot
    June 25th, 2010 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    H&J: >click<

    MT: In all his exitement Rusty has forgotten that physical contact with other people in any other way than through his fists fills Mark with mortal dread. Look at poor Mark, eerily frozen on the outside while his pulse is climbing its way into the 200’s.
    Lucky Andy’s there to pry Rusty off before the situation gets out of hand.

    PBS: hehe.

    S-M: hehe.

  101. Poteet
    June 25th, 2010 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    @mvg (#96): I’ve spent time in northeast Iowa, and the Cuyuhoga Falls regional park has some beautiful cliffs and waterfalls. I’ve seen them in summer and winter. Seeing them with Funky characters falling to their doom would be fun. And it would be guiltless fun, because dead Funky characters just keep on going, presumably with no more root canals or bill-paying.

  102. Bootsy
    June 25th, 2010 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    @Mason Montresor (#51): Hey, I’ll play!

    I’m hoping you die soon, you miserable shit.
    You’ve begun the inexorable pitilessly long
    Process that ends with you in a home
    Heading for diapers full, teeth gone, food bland

    Look, it’s my first try.

  103. Mela
    June 25th, 2010 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#87): Thank you. Just when I think I’ve run out of reasons to hate Tom Batiuk and have started repeating myself, you present me with another – the shrine to his dead fictional girlfriend character. Complete with sculptures and mock awards for the mock race that he has somehow finagled the fine people of Ohio into turning into a real event, the Ad That Walks Like a Charity. My God.

  104. Donkey Hotey
    June 25th, 2010 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    Bob Weber (and Lily) fans -

    I just received the following e-mail from DailyINK:

    Starting Monday, DailyINK introduces a NEW comic strip, “Oh, Brother!” Created by successfully syndicated cartoonist Bob Weber, Jr. (Slylock Fox and Comics for Kids) and Emmy (R) Award-winning creator Jay Stephens (Secret Saturdays and Tutenstein), “Oh, Brother!” stars the sibling duo of Lily and Bud. As the quintessential slightly older yet far more sensible sister, Lily takes it upon herself to look after her uninhibited, prank-loving younger brother, Bud. Whether they are playing together in the family room or running wild in the backyard, Bud and Lily elevate the act of sibling one-upmanship to Code Red levels.

    “Oh, Brother!” perfectly captures the wide-eyed innocence and simple moments of childhood, from winter?s first snow day to summer?s first water balloon fight. Despite their obvious personality differences, Lily and Bud love each other deeply and have a strong sibling bond.

    “Oh, Brother!” will remind adults of their own childhood shenanigans and funny sibling rivalries. Children who read the strip will delight in the funny escapades that are fueled by Lily and Bud?s naturally competitive relationship.

    Share your thoughts about “Oh, Brother!” on DailyINK’s new Facebook page. We would love to hear your feedback!

  105. Jim C
    June 25th, 2010 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    @Sunny Paris (#6)
    I think if you examine that last panel closely you will see that the other car has appeared to have gone off a cliff.

    The other car didn’t just go over the cliff. Look at the skid marks!* She ran Funky off the road, and then peeled out to barrel over the cliff like Evel Knievel over Snake River Canyon – and just as successfully, no doubt.

    *a nod to all you MSTies out there.

  106. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 25th, 2010 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    @Austria (#99): Shhh… You want to put Mr. Weatherbee, Miss Grundy and the rest of the faculty out of work? Not to mention the Swedish janitor whasisname. The only time those characters get any exposure is when Archie’s in school!

  107. bats :[
    June 25th, 2010 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    Luann: sometimes teen girls can be funny without having to work for a punchline (or maybe it’s just the artist drawing them).

  108. Jumper
    June 25th, 2010 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    The black panel probably means Talky McLady is indeed dead, or shortly going to die. This will give Fanky a grim pleasure that it wasn’t him. Just like how his failure to drink led the bartender to fall off the wagon and soon commit suicide by cop. (Stay tuned.) I don’t supposed Fanky will feel guilty for feeling this, but I could be wrong. Batuik will fantasize how he’s a humanitarian using his strip to warn against driving while stupid. And women drivers – what twits, am I right?

    Also I noticed he wasn’t actually in the car in panel 1. And, the airbag didn’t go off. This probably means nothing but a lazy artist. Or maybe it means cancer.

  109. Jeff R
    June 25th, 2010 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    The other possibility is that Funky is lying sprawled out on the highway dead or dying, and what we’re seeing is a hallucination generated by the firing neurons of his rapidly degenerating brain. For confirmation of this theory, be on the lookout for anything happening in the strip in the next few months that isn’t soul-crushingly depressing.

  110. Paul
    June 25th, 2010 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    Bruse Willis was a ghost in sixth sense? Damn, thanks for giving it away!

  111. Sequitur
    June 25th, 2010 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    Oooh. Can I play?

    I’M H – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – IT.
    YOU – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ONG
    PRO – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ME
    HEA – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – AND


  112. AndyL
    June 25th, 2010 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    Speaking of “dead jerks”…. it looks like Dilbert has accidentally killed a man.

    That’s pretty grim.

  113. Girl Reporter
    June 25th, 2010 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    Dear Mr. Pastis: You made me laugh out loud this morning. And when I did, Starr and Twinkle giggled in their high chairs, which made me happier still. So thank you for the bright bright morning sunshine.

  114. Écureuil Écumant
    June 25th, 2010 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    @51.Mason Montresor said:

    Let’s play What Vital Thing is Lt. Fuzz trying to Tell Gen. Halftrack!

    I’M H – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – IT.
    YOU – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ONG
    PRO – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ME
    HEA – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – AND

    OK, I’ll hit that.


  115. Calico
    June 25th, 2010 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    I’M H – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – IT.
    YOU – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ONG
    PRO – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ME
    HEA – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – AND

    I’m hard for you, General, and you know it.
    Your dick is the most beautiful I’ve ever seen, what a schlong!
    Promise it will be just you and me
    Heart to heart forever, the greatest “Don’t ask, don’t tell” Love in the land.

    (I know, but it is Friday, after all)

  116. Loki
    June 25th, 2010 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    As for Funky today, I think the car taking off IS nice. It didn’t give him cancer, shatter any of his bones, or nag him about what a failure he is. Frankly, within the Funkyverse context, being run off the road IS a nice day. Of course, this only means he’s being set up for something worse along the line. Probably catalepsy or something.

  117. Mason Montresor
    June 25th, 2010 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    @Bootsy (#102), @Shawn S. (#60), @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#73), @Écureuil Écumant (#114)et al.: I like yours so much, I feel compelled to try again:


    DtM: “…Somebody RAIDED your fridge. Too bad ya didn’t by the fridge RAIDING insurance I offered to sell ya yesterday. Now how interested are ya in some knee insurance?”

    MT: Stay cool, Trail. Remember your training from Hollywood Upstairs Forest School. When dealing with an excited urchinis ugliis you need to keep still, avoid eye contract, and when its guard is down, a swift backhand to the face.

    MW: Is it just me, or is Jenna looking more and more deranged each day? I think she’s experiencing the meddle-related high some of Mary’s victims feel at first, mistaking her attentions for someone who actually actually caring gives a shit about you and your well-being. Some of them, like Toby, never give up chasing that first high and invent all kinds of lame problems just to get Mary to pay attention to them again. Don’t do it, woman! Stop now.

    S-M: Ouch! Too bad Peter doesn’t have any super speed, super strength, or super senses to help him out in these situations.

  118. Loki
    June 25th, 2010 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    I think Leroy’s friend in today’s Lockhorns is smiling because seeing Leroy’s wife is very much the trainwreck Leroy said it would be. He even brought a date. It’s kinda like the dates in the 1930s that my grandmother used to tell me about, where she and her friends would go to the morgue and look at the bodies. “So, that’s what a dead marriage looks like.”

  119. Sequitur
    June 25th, 2010 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Blondie if the Bumsteads lived in Nevada.

  120. Écureuil Écumant
    June 25th, 2010 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#87): “Lisa’s Shrine” is awesome, but I can’t quite make out what that thing on the right side is supposed to be. My best guesses: Eiither it’s a bear about to brain both of them with a boulder, or a be-turbaned Wahhabi mullah holding his head in misery at encountering someone (Batiuk) whose soul is even more sere and withered than his.

  121. Krazy Kat
    June 25th, 2010 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    @Mason Montresor (#51): Let’s play What Vital Thing is Lt. Fuzz Trying to Tell Gen. Halftack!

    I’M H – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – IT.
    YOU – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ONG
    PRO – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ME
    HEA – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – AND


  122. JupiterPluvius
    June 25th, 2010 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    Let’s play What Vital Thing is Lt. Fuzz Ttrying to Tell Gen. Halftack!

    I’M H – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – IT.
    YOU – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ONG
    PRO – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ME
    HEA – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – AND


    Lt. Fuzz likes to sing.

  123. Comcis Fan
    June 25th, 2010 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    FW: Josh, you were thinking “Sixth Sense,” I was thinking “Lost,” all fairly along the same lines. Perhaps the whole strip is like “Lost,” with time-jumping and miserable people who don’t know they’re trying to learn a lesson to get to the next place, or whatever. Perhaps Ed Asner will pop over the “Haunts of the Very Rich” to play Funky.

    Luann: Bernice and the other friend apparently have the vapors and have to swill diet soda at the very thought of Gunther in all his bookworm glory.

  124. Little Guy
    June 25th, 2010 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

    @Donkey Hotey (#104): I’ll say it — Oh Brother! (j/k Bob Jr)

    Funky: I’m calling it — Cellphone Chick is dead, Funky (and us) will find out “overnight”, and everyone will be convinced that Funky was criminally and civilly liable because he was seen in a bar. The hilarity will result in the loss of his pizza place for lawyer’s fees.

    What do I win? Besides months of my life?

  125. Little Guy
    June 25th, 2010 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    @Zemto (#72): *shakes tiny fist*

  126. Walker of Dog
    June 25th, 2010 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#44): All PT Cruisers make me think of the Ant Hill Mob.

  127. seismic-2
    June 25th, 2010 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    Cell phone lady is alive, but she is injured, and she will have to have her right arm amputated. She and Becky will form a duo to play a single clarinet. They win “America’s Got Talent,” and they stage a benefit to save Montoni’s. Well, in the Frank Capra version they would, but of course this is the Funkyverse, so they have another car crash on their way to the AGT auditions, and when they try to summon help on the side of the road they get taken hostage and held in Iraq until they die of cancer.

  128. spike
    June 25th, 2010 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    @Little Guy (#124): What do I win? Besides months of my life?

    Cancer! Jaundice! Dengue fever! Bubonic plague! The choice is yours!

  129. Girl Reporter
    June 25th, 2010 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    I’M H – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – IT.
    YOU – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ONG
    PRO – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ME
    HEA – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – AND

    I’m here re: paper clip usage, gosh darn it.
    You, Sir, know two rights don’t make a wrong
    Provoking linguists to debate SNAFU and anime
    Heading toward Never Never Land

  130. But What Do I Know?
    June 25th, 2010 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    @spike (#82):

    And Medina is the home town of the Father of American Bee-Keeping.

    Just thought you’d like to know. . .

  131. TheOriginalSteve-Dave
    June 25th, 2010 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    @spike (#82):
    “Batiuk resides in Medina, OH, SW of Cleveland and NW of Akron. Montoni’s is based on Luigi’s Restaurant in Akron.”

    Ah, Medina is “drive through” territory for me, as I cut across Ohio to get to the in-laws’ house. But maybe driving through there is risking the Batuik event-horizon?

  132. Girl Reporter
    June 25th, 2010 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    @But What Do I Know? (#130): So that’s the cause of Colony Collapse Disorder! Mystery solved.

  133. Mardou Fox
    June 25th, 2010 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    @Shawn S. (#55): Hee! I love the idea It’s a Wonderful Life set in Funkytown! Oh, the horror of realizing that if you had never been born, the world would have been a much happier, healthier place!

  134. Karen
    June 25th, 2010 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    #87z: That site also has a page about Greg Evans, the evil genius behind Luann. Lest anybody doubt he’s a nasty, nasty pervert, one of the captions under a photo of his drawing board is: “From whence genius spurteth.”

    If that isn’t enough evidence to get his strip pulled from every God-fearing newspaper in the land, I don’t know what is.

  135. Bootsy
    June 25th, 2010 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    @Mason Montresor (#51):

    All replies (hilarious!) should be collected into “Really Odd Beetle Bailey Haiku”.

    Really odd becuase the line meter is off. No on’e fault except the writer of Beetle Bailey.

  136. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 25th, 2010 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    @Karen (#134): Although he does have a cool dog–as does Jeff Keane. That counts for something in my book.

  137. Mardou Fox
    June 25th, 2010 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

    @TheOriginalSteve-Dave (#131): Yikes! I had no idea the Funkyverse was so close to I-90! I… I have to pass through there in a couple of weeks on the way to my mom’s house! I’m scared! Does somebody have an anti-cancer suit I can borrow? An incantation I can chant? Anything??? Oh, DAMN these expensive passports and the new border rules, cutting me off from my usual shortcut through Canada!

    It’s been nice knowing y’all! I wonder what kind of cancer we’ll get? I’m gonna have kids with me too. I wonder if we’ll all get the same kind of cancer? Maybe my kids will get particularly painful, yet fast-moving cancers, while I get a slow incurable one. Then I can have the extra agony of seeing them die. Whee!

  138. Karen
    June 25th, 2010 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    137 Mardou Fox: My brother moved to Cleveland after law school. Less than ten years later, he was dead. In a very Funky-ish way. But I’ve visited Cleveland several times and emerged unscathed and am still here, cancer-free, so take that for what you will—seems like prolonged exposure is the main thing to be wary of.

  139. Mardou Fox
    June 25th, 2010 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    @Karen (#138): Geeze, I did in fact almost get hit by a crazy driver there last time I went through. I think my strategy this year will just be to floor it all the way from the PA line until I get to Toledo. But there is that place in Cleveland where the expressway makes a really hard 45 degree curve downtown…you have to slow down. That is probably where the Funky Reaper is going to be waiting for me, like the lone gunman on the grassy knoll….

  140. trooper6
    June 25th, 2010 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean is awake…but has been transported to Silent Hill…filled with grotesque mosters who are warped versions of his subconscious and who chase him around murderously. In other words, nothing much is going to change.

  141. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 25th, 2010 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    @Bootsy (#4): That and a rocket in his ass are the only explanations I can think of for the way he flies into Mark’s chest.

  142. TheOriginalSteve-Dave
    June 25th, 2010 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    @Karen (#134): “#87z: That site also has a page about Greg Evans, the evil genius behind Luann. Lest anybody doubt he’s a nasty, nasty pervert, one of the captions under a photo of his drawing board is: “From whence genius spurteth.”

    If that isn’t enough evidence to get his strip pulled from every God-fearing newspaper in the land, I don’t know what is.”

    Did you miss that topless picture of “Betty”? I’m pretty sure the Post-It(tm) is there for the website. (No, not Riverdale’s Betty.)

    I’ll be driving through the other way Mardou Fox. Be sure and wave.

  143. spike
    June 25th, 2010 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    @Karen (#134): Greg may be an egomaniac, but his “from whence” grammar is redundant, and would be summarily told so by Jump Start’s Dot Cobb, Grammar Police Extraordinaire!

    @Mardou Fox (#139): Ah, yes! That spot is known as “Dead Man’s Curve”. [No joke. Local trafic reports on TV and radio reference it several times a week.]

  144. Poteet
    June 25th, 2010 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#101): Arrgh, sorry. That’s Cuyahoga Valley National Park, of course. As someone born in Ohio, I am doubly embarrassed.

  145. fightonusc
    June 25th, 2010 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    @Shawn S. (#55): “It’s a Wonderful Life” – except without the “wonderful” part. Or “life,” really.

    “Every time you hear a bell, someone just died of cancer.”

  146. Girl Reporter
    June 25th, 2010 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    @Mardou Fox (#139): It is known locally (I’m not making this up) as Dead Man’s Curve. They use it in the traffic reports and everything. At least once a year a semi doesn’t believe the miles of warning signs or the rumble strips and topples over. So in addition to flooring it from PA to Toledo and keeping the windows rolled up so the cancer germs don’t get you, do not go around DMC in the shadow of a semi.

  147. Mordock999
    June 25th, 2010 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Luann – 06/25/10

    SNEER if you MUST, you “Gunther Haters”, but he MUST have made SOME sort of impression on Luann, because TODAY, She’s NOW wearing his Hideous Plaid Grenn shirt.

    And I NOT even going to MENTION the three ‘Footlongs’ Luann just gobbled down…,

    DEATH to TJ!!!

  148. Mardou Fox
    June 25th, 2010 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    @Girl Reporter (#146): Dang! Thanks for the warning. That would be very Funkyish if I were being careful myself, but got crushed by a happy, heedless trucker.

    And, yeah! The rumble strips, flashing lights, and warning signs go on for miles… very memorable.

    And if I make it through Funkyland alive, then I get to drive through Detroit. Yee ha!

  149. Walker of Dog
    June 25th, 2010 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    @TheOriginalSteve-Dave (#142) and @Mardou Fox (#139): How are you two going to recognize each other as you pass through the Cancer Zone? Your faces will be contorted in horror as you anticipate your final doom? No, something more specific… clip-on skull-and-crossbones flags on your car windows.

  150. TheOriginalSteve-Dave
    June 25th, 2010 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    @Walker of Dog (#149):
    I was thinking the Black 3rd Panel would be the way to tell for sure.

  151. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 25th, 2010 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    9CL – Footnote: “Safe” is a colloquialism for a condom. By keeping it under his hat and not using it, Bill might be technically faithful to Edie Sue.

    Momma‘s kids are damned if they move out, and damned if they stay with her. (Is her daughter really marrying a grown-up Arthur from “Miss Peach,” or is that all part of the fantasy bitchfest?) Not that it matters, because everybody’s damned in this damned strip.

    Pluggers – Plugger cartoonists couldn’t say “Vacationing pluggers drop all their quarters in the slots,” which might verge on humor, because they fear their target audience wouldn’t understand that the pile of clothes is going into that newfangled “warshing” machine, or that they are at a motel, which is dreadfully important to the punchline.

    Prickly – Shit, this is uncomfortably close to a cartoon I drew in sixth grade. I can feel my youthful self writhing in embarrassment across the decades.

    R=R – A circle of jerks.

    6 – Ho ho, readers! Looks like somebody got her “star” on the sidewalk in Hollywood!

  152. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 25th, 2010 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy – He that shall live this day, and see old age,
    Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
    And say ‘To-morrow is the anniversary
    Of the day Ziggy and Zits were funny!’

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#y319): Interesting. I remember Joe Orlando and Mike Sekowsky and possibly Ross Andru issues of I5, but there was at least one where I didn’t know the artist. Now that you’ve said Win Mortimer, it all clicks into place. It was one of the funniest, because it was full of cameos and gags at the backs of the panels. Anyway, I always think of Tex Blaisdell in conjunction with Bob Oskner (whose name was mentioned first, so I’m presuming Blaisdell inked).

    I think it was Ed Leffingwell who assisted Gray, though I’ve also heard it said that Gray drew a lot of his strip for him. I had looked up the artists who continued Little Orphan Annie (which I seem to recall was being called Orphan Annie in the papers by then; at least in the Denver paper that carried it) to double check my memory of Blaisdell’s contribution and saw a couple of other names that haven’t been mentioned yet, but I’m running behind today and not in the mood to make a Wikipedia run just now.

    You know how I really, really wanted the original Crisis on Infinite Earths to end? I wanted the I5 to save everybody’s shit. But nobody asks me.

    @Mason Montresor (#51):
    Let’s play What Vital Thing is Lt. Fuzz Trying to Tell Gen. Halftrack!

    Hell, I’m game.

    I’M H – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – IT.?
    YOU – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ONG
    ?PRO – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ME?
    HEA – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – AND

    “I’m hung like a six-foot rabbit.
    You know it’s not wrong
    provided nobody tells. Give me
    head while I use my hand…”

    Great game. I salute you for coming up with it!

  153. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 25th, 2010 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    @Girl Reporter (#113): “Girl Reporter… Starr… Twinkle” Omigosh, I just put it together — does Mr. Girl Reporter have a thing for black orchids by any chance?

  154. SF_Reader
    June 25th, 2010 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers – Ah! You can’t fool me! Everyone knows Pluggers don’t clean their clothes. Next they’ll be telling us they bathe on Sundays and don’t smell funky.

  155. Dennis
    June 25th, 2010 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean is too damn depressing. They need to start having him see little green men and stuff when he gets drunk. Then he crashes and flies through the windshield into a load of manure. And he says “Aww crap!” Then the cell phone yacker drives by. She takes a picture on her phone’s camera and says “Imma put this up on facebook.”

  156. Girl Reporter
    June 25th, 2010 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    @TheOriginalSteve-Dave (#142) and @Mardou Fox (#139): How are you two going to recognize each other as you pass through the Cancer Zone? Your faces will be contorted in horror as you anticipate your final doom? No, something more specific… clip-on skull-and-crossbones flags on your car windows.

    Crack the window on the north (lake) side of your vehicles when you’re between exits 177 and 178 and yell me a “hello!” so I know you’re okay. But keep your hands at 10 and 2 so you don’t go off the cliff.

  157. Mardou Fox
    June 25th, 2010 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    @Girl Reporter (#156): Exits 177 and 178, gotcha! That should be about midday on 7/6, so be listening for either a shout-out or a big SCREEEEEECHHCRASH!!!!

  158. Dr. Dread
    June 25th, 2010 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    Am I the only one whose mind went directly to a Lockhorn wife-swapping plot?
    Am I the only one whose mind now needs industrial cleaning?
    Not anymore!

  159. Sequitur
    June 25th, 2010 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    @Mardou Fox (#137): There is a chant you can use. Say it slowly at first then speed it up.


    Say it several times and believe it.

  160. LaziestManOnMars
    June 25th, 2010 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    Fuck… First the oil spill, and now Funky’s alive…

    When will it end?

  161. TheOriginalSteve-Dave
    June 25th, 2010 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    @Girl Reporter (#156):

    At 10 and 2? How will I hold my cell phone and bottle of Bombay Gin if I do that? ;-)

  162. Bitter Scribe
    June 25th, 2010 at 3:36 pm [Reply]

    @Old School Allie Cat (#88): Wow, Billy looks pretty mean in that third panel (after I broke out the magnifying glass so I could see his expression). If I were confronted by a rodent roughly my size with (apparently) opposable thumbs who walks on two legs and was preparing to bash me in the head with a club, I might be a little freaked out. He’s either got more grit than we realized, or this is yet another advantage of being a moron.

  163. Chipper
    June 25th, 2010 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#87): So Batiuk was at Kent State, Class of 1969, huh? That explains a lot.

  164. Larry Fine
    June 25th, 2010 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    This software might crash if you fed it Funky Winkerbean strips:

  165. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 25th, 2010 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    SFx: The therapist told Charlie Brown, “Own your feelings. Stop hiding behind this mask of stoicism. The next time the tree eats your kite, follow your instincts and cry. Only then can you start to heal.”

    There’s $250 that Charlie Brown will never see again. At least Lucy’s advice only set him back a nickel.

  166. Steve the Pocket
    June 25th, 2010 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#61): I assume you’re getting the strips from GoComics? I’ve never understood why that site reruns dead comics sequentially like that. It’s not like it’s still running in newspapers like Peanuts (at least, I assume it’s not, seeing how it was a topical political strip from a different administration entirely at this point), and it’s not like readers can’t just read through the archives if they’re interested, like a real webcomic.

    Actually when did GoComics start providing the whole archives of strips? That’s a fairly recent thing, I think.

  167. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 25th, 2010 at 4:00 pm [Reply]

    for those who wish to see a very good take on the current Funky sitch, check out Medium Large. Well done, Ces!

  168. Patrick, Interlibrary Loan Lending Divison
    June 25th, 2010 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean is the comic strip’s answer to every Lurlene McDaniel novel ever written. The ultimate in daily misery porn.

  169. Mardou Fox
    June 25th, 2010 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    @TheOriginalSteve-Dave (#161): Silly man! Use a headset, and a very long sippy straw for the BG. Set the cruise control, crank up the tunes, kick off your shoes so you can wiggle your toes, and… ahhh! Road bliss!

    Veteran of many long road trips,
    Mardou Fox

  170. littlestevie
    June 25th, 2010 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    MT: Isn’t Rusty supposed to be turned around 180 degrees in the last panel?

  171. Joel
    June 25th, 2010 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    I hope you give some play to this take on Funky’s plight:

  172. Mardou Fox
    June 25th, 2010 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#159):
    Thanks Sequitur. I’m going to write that down and tape it to my dashboard.

    Speaking of Cleveland:

    Before you Clevelandites hate on me too much for that, please watch this and remember that I am from Detroit:

  173. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 25th, 2010 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    The Brook/Toots storyline in Rex Morgan has been going on for over six months now. I wonder how much longer we’ll be able to enjoy the pleasure (yes, I said “pleasure”) of their company? Especially Brook and her “bimbo karate” skills!

  174. True Fable
    June 25th, 2010 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    @Mason Montresor (#51):
    I’M H – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – IT.
    YOU – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ONG
    PRO – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ME
    HEA – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – AND

    I’m happy with giving you shit.
    You think I’m miserable; you’re wrong
    Probably you’ll find after a time
    Heavy drinking gives me the upper hand

  175. Girl Reporter
    June 25th, 2010 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#153): Lucky for us Starr and Twinkle were not born sporting itsy-bitsy eyepatches. Nor does the cat wear one.

  176. Rana
    June 25th, 2010 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    @Mardou Fox (#137): You need to cut out a picture of Mary Worth and tape it to a candle, then ritually offer it salmon squares, while reciting (what else) the Hail Mary.

    Of course, asking Mary to meddle in your life may bring you more than you bargained for…

  177. Sans Sense
    June 25th, 2010 at 4:27 pm [Reply]


    Neddy: Quit beating around the bush man! What was this “thing” she had for her older literature professor? Metamucil? An antique thesaurus? Soylent Green? An Amish fireplace? My mind’s awhirl!

  178. Mardou Fox
    June 25th, 2010 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    @Rana (#176): Too scary. I think I’d rather face the Bleakerverse head-on than dabble in the Dark Marian Arts.

    Thanks, though.

  179. SF_Reader
    June 25th, 2010 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

    @Mardou Fox (#172): Very, very funny! (We’re retarded ’cause we think this is art!)

  180. Girl Reporter
    June 25th, 2010 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

    @Mardou Fox (#172): Those are very, very funny, but a little outdated; Crippling Depression used to be the main export, but its manufacture was outsourced to China. Good paying union jobs, too! Gone. Now we grow children for export. Just walk down any street in Chicago or Charlotte and ask 10 recent college graduates where they’re from.

  181. Girl Reporter
    June 25th, 2010 at 4:41 pm [Reply]

    @SF_Reader (#179): Mr. Girl Reporter and I posed for a wedding photo with the Free Stamp. He’s sitting in the F and I’m trying to not get my dress dirty.

  182. Crankenstank
    June 25th, 2010 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    Oh no, you know Funky’s going to jail for DWI; showing us his innocence in this accident is just a set-up for the fate worse than death that is the penal system. Batiuk isn’t quite ready to channel the Book of the Dead; he’s going to start out lightly, with Kafka.

  183. Mardou Fox
    June 25th, 2010 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    @Girl Reporter (#180): Understood, although “our main export is Crippling Depression” seems especially funny with Funky in mind.

    Yeah, China is now manufacturing most of the Chronic Despair that was once the pride of the Motor City. Some of the old factories are retooling for Benumbed Denial, I think.

  184. Sans Sense
    June 25th, 2010 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    Get out of that Funkin’ ditch.

  185. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 25th, 2010 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#152): I’m a fan of Bob Oskner’s Jerry Lewis, but I also like his work on the Miss Cairo Jones strip. For any Curmudgeons who don’t know the name of Win Mortimer, the Man Of Steel would like to have a word with you. Mortimer drew the Superman comic strip from 1949 to 1956, including a story in which comedian STEVE ALLEN made an appearance… as Clark Kent!

  186. JD Rhoades
    June 25th, 2010 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    @fishmorgjp (#17):

    Nope. Funky’s in a coma and will wander around in an out of body experience, listening to other people go on and on about him. You heard it here first.

  187. Mardou Fox
    June 25th, 2010 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    @JD Rhoades (#186): That’s going to be wonderful, IF they are all saying what a dick he was. Otherwise, not so much.

  188. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 25th, 2010 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#185): It’s Bob O-K-S-N-E-R… not Oskner!!!

  189. Miss Othmar
    June 25th, 2010 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    Just wanted to post from my new iPod Touch and report that CC looks great, even in miniature. Even so, I think I will mostly stick to the larger format or you will be getting fat-fingered messages from “Miss Pthmar”…

  190. dreadedcandiru2
    June 25th, 2010 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    McEldouchebaggery Alert: I’ve just been made aware of another whiny blog post from McEldowney; in it, he simpers and blusters about how a strip he drew that could be taken as Juliette giving her boyfriend head under the table was taken as Juliette giving her boyfriend head under the table because, since he has no sex drive left, he didn’t even consider that it could be taken as Juliette giving her boyfriend head under the table. His hip, cool message is thus “How dare you come to conclusions I’m too stupid to see.”

  191. Mason Montresor
    June 25th, 2010 at 5:01 pm [Reply]

    @JD Rhoades (#186): Funky in a coma, I know, I know, it’s ludicrous.

  192. odinthor
    June 25th, 2010 at 5:32 pm [Reply]

    I’M H – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – IT.
    YOU – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ONG
    PRO – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ME
    HEA – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – AND

    I’m here and nobody seems to know it.
    You look at me; but I could sit here all day long,
    Provided there are suitable restroom breaks for me,
    Heaping up problems; but I might as well be a speck of sand

  193. Carlo
    June 25th, 2010 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

    Can we please put a halt to Luann?

  194. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 25th, 2010 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#188): I never know how to feel when someone corrects a misapprehension I’ve had for most of half a century.

  195. Thomas B.
    June 25th, 2010 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    Jesus Christ, how frigging long does it take for Cherry to get her hair done?

  196. ThursdayNext
    June 25th, 2010 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

    @Rimpy (#50): good lord that car crash was in 2008. Has he been saving up all this time?

  197. Thomas B.
    June 25th, 2010 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

    Seriously Mark, you take out a half a page for Sassy, but Cherry has been gone for just as long and you don’t bat an eyelash.

    Officer Murphy: Uh Mr. Trail. I don’t know how to say this but it seems your wife, Cherry was killed.

    Mark: Oh well these things happen.

    Officer Murphy: The suspects are bearded poachers.

    Mark: Dear God no! I’ll be right there!!

  198. Écureuil Écumant
    June 25th, 2010 at 6:09 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#127): Fabulous Funkyverse scenario, and mine has just a little different spin. In this version they do actually win “America’s Got Talent”, serendipitously discover they both have the same HLA type, and use the prize money to travel to Thailand and purchase the first-ever surgical creation of conjoined twins so they can hit the carny jazz circuit and make their fortune playing their tootle stick for the rubes.

    Unfortunately, they come down with graft-vs-host disease in the middle of their first tour and die a prolonged, agonizing death.

  199. Barto
    June 25th, 2010 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

    I was sure that Funky had been in a proper smashup – hence the black panel, and that in a kind of a tribute to John Cage the next few weeks would continue to be a series of blank panels conveying Funky’s comatose state while the writers decide whether to revive him or, hopefully, not. Damn!

  200. Mr O'Malley
    June 25th, 2010 at 6:22 pm [Reply]

    That cloud above Funky’s PT Cruiser, that some have interpreted as its departing soul, is cartoonist shorthand for “dead car”, but it’s really steam escaping from the radiator. It certainly seems to be coming from under the hood. But since the car doesn’t seem to have even a dent, how did it sustain radiator damage? Perhaps it’s so rusted out after so many Ohio winters that the slightest shock would cause it to crack.

    The third panel skid marks are inconsistent with the first two panels, plus they’re not even parallel to each other. The right wheel is skidding at 90 degrees to the direction of travel of the left wheel. (I assume that in Funky’s Ohio the state never got around to requiring that cars have brakes on all 4 wheels.)

    And what is that we see above the crest of the hill? It could either be dust clouds from a speedy get-away, steam from another leaky radiator, or bubbles indicating Cellphone Girl has landed in a lake. Extra points if it’s a cloud of sand caused by landing on a poorly drawn dog on a roadside beach.

  201. Mardou Fox
    June 25th, 2010 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    I’M H – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – IT.
    YOU – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ONG
    PRO – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ME
    HEA – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – AND

    I’m having a hard time saying it.
    You arouse me, and you have for so long.
    Probe me! Take me! Any way you want me!
    Hear me, dear Halftrack! My passion for you is grand.

  202. BassBone
    June 25th, 2010 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    @Edgy DC (#38):

    Hey! I like my PT Cruiser. I had it for six years and then sold it and it was a wonderful care for that whole time.

  203. SequelMan
    June 25th, 2010 at 6:47 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#152): We few, we happy few, we Pantsless Brothers. (Said in a Kenneth Branagh accent, of course. Actually, Ziggy looks a bit like old Ken.)

  204. Écureuil Écumant
    June 25th, 2010 at 6:49 pm [Reply]

    @dreadedcandiru2 (#190): This happened in 1996 and almost fifteen years later he’s still obsessing over it? Sick puppy. Actually, judging by the way he slings pissy insults at his reading audience, make that “sick, supercilious puppy.”

  205. Mike DeMaria
    June 25th, 2010 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

    Of course Funky didn’t die. The sweet release of death would end the pain and suffering.

  206. zerowolf
    June 25th, 2010 at 7:25 pm [Reply]

  207. Mumblix Grumph
    June 25th, 2010 at 7:45 pm [Reply]

    Oh, hell no!

    If I have to suffer through three months of “It’s a Funky life” while F.W. is guided around by the Phantom Of The Opera Grim Reaper…there will be hell to pay.

  208. Old School Allie Cat
    June 25th, 2010 at 7:51 pm [Reply]

    I’M H – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – IT.
    YOU – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ONG
    PRO – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ME
    HEA – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – AND


  209. dreadedcandiru2
    June 25th, 2010 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#204): Whenever I read his bilge, I end up thinking about the way Stantz described the EPA guy in Ghostbusters; both of them are obviously some kind of rodent.

  210. Great American Satan
    June 25th, 2010 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

    I’M H – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – IT.
    YOU – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ONG
    PRO – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ME
    HEA – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – AND

    I’m here to ease you down from it
    Your life has been too long
    Provided you will come with me
    Heaven’s glory is close at hand

    I’m half-baked and high as shit
    You don’t bogart that bong
    Provoke me and you’ll learn to fear me
    Head like a kite, but with an iron hand

    I’m Hell’s mighty Ifrit
    You feel the fire of my prong
    Prostrate yourself before me
    Heat you with my firebrand

    Word games 4 evaaaaa!

  211. Walker of Dog
    June 25th, 2010 at 8:08 pm [Reply]

    You guys are all in top form in the What Vital Thing competition. Thanks to Mason Montresor for this great way to kill a Friday – you know, while we all wait for death.

  212. seismic-2
    June 25th, 2010 at 8:12 pm [Reply]

    I’M H – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – IT.
    YOU – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ONG
    PRO – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ME
    HEA – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – AND

    I’m having trouble understanding just how we keep getting away with it.
    You and I know the strip’s not funny, but we’ve kept going on this long
    Proving that the newspaper comics page editors must have a tough time
    Hearing what readers really think, with their heads buried deep in the sand.

  213. Anonymous
    June 25th, 2010 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

    The Comics Kingdom Viewer has the next week’s worth of Funky strips on line already. Nothing definite but they are definitely making it like he is either dead or traveling through time/purgatory ala “Lost.”

  214. ElkMeadow
    June 25th, 2010 at 8:28 pm [Reply]

    @dreadedcandiru2 (#190):

    syndicate editors at the time, who, I admit, possessed the combined I.Q. of drain hair

    Only he and Lynn Johnston are so secure in themselves that they have no problem insulting the people who see to it that they get their bread and butter.

  215. commodorejohn
    June 25th, 2010 at 8:28 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#213): Wow. Either this is going to be the lamest fake-out in the history of the funnies, or it’s going to be the most retarded plot Batiuk’s served up yet. This is something special, folks. I’ma save these strips for posterity, because either way it’s going to be something to see.

  216. dreadedcandiru2
    June 25th, 2010 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#214): Because only he and Lynn are as stupid and immature as to make that happen.

  217. Écureuil Écumant
    June 25th, 2010 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

    @dreadedcandiru2 (#209): Funny you should mention Ghostbusters. McEldowner lists his hometown as “Scrotumton, ME” ["with the accent on the second syllable"]. Google Maps — no surprise here — can’t find any such place as Scrotumton, ME. This lends credence to the hypothesis that, as Dr. Peter Venkman might’ve said, “Yes, it’s true. This man has no balls.”

  218. Mardou Fox
    June 25th, 2010 at 8:44 pm [Reply]

    I’M H – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – IT.
    YOU – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ONG
    PRO – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ME
    HEA – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – AND

    I’m hot to trot. Whip it out so I can salute it.
    You’re going to look fetching in this silk thong.
    Promise you won’t tell the whole base about me.
    Heard that Plato likes to do it while quoting Ayn Rand.

  219. dreadedcandiru2
    June 25th, 2010 at 8:53 pm [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#217): He probably lives in Bangor or Portland; five bucks says he has a regular poker night with Stephen King.

  220. This Guy
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:00 pm [Reply]

    @dreadedcandiru2 (#209): That’s only in the bowdlerized version of the movie, where Ray calls the EPA guy “Wally Wick.” In the real version, he just refers to the guy as “dickless.”
    RE: Brooke hanging out with Stephen King: Unlikely, as either some of King’s writing ability would’ve rubbed off on McEldowney, or King would’ve long ago beaten Brooke about the head with a hardcover copy of The Stand.

  221. carbunicle
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:05 pm [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#204): No kidding. I one imagined that McEldowney was writing his characters that way intentionally, but either their voices overwhelmed him a long time ago or he’s simply as insufferable as his characters and isn’t doing anything like characterization. As is frequently noted here, his dialogue balloons could be linked to any of the characters with no detectable change.
    In an attempt to be charitable: he’s a perfectly reasonable and pleasant person with some kind of debilitating disorder that functions like a written version of Tourette’s. He simply is unable to write anything that isn’t infuriatingly supercilious.
    But I am bound to observe that Occam’s Razor definitely puts him on the asshat side of that spectrum.

  222. Mardou Fox
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:16 pm [Reply]

    I’M H – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – IT.
    YOU – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ONG
    PRO – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ME
    HEA – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – AND

    I’m horny as a goat, you old half-wit.
    You leer at Buxley, but I’ve seen your schlong
    protruding at the mere sight of me
    heading your way with a tube of KY in my hand

    oh my, I just made myself sick.

  223. Anonymous
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:20 pm [Reply]

    FW What will piss him off is that someone saw him walk out of the bar (probably paid with a credit card too for a paper trail), but no-one saw the accident (assuming the cell phone lady isn’t underwater somewhere).

  224. seismic-2
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:27 pm [Reply]

    I would love to see a Funky funeral, even if it’s only in a “what if” story arc. Wally will deliver the elegy, tearfully proclaiming that all he is in life, he owes to Funky. Wally will then pull out his pistol and shoot Funky’s corpse full of holes.

  225. Mardou Fox
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:31 pm [Reply]

    After the funeral, Batuik can keep the strip going for months, depicting the slow decomposition of Funky’s corpse for hundreds and hundreds of panels.

  226. Bill Murray
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:36 pm [Reply]

    I think you all are missing the forest of comedy gold for the trees of despair in the Funkyverse.

    “looks like the other car took off … nice” is the best comic strip snark ever … referring to a car that nearly hit you and then went flying over a cliff, hurtling the other driver to her doom is the quintessence of Funkyverse snark …

    and it’s comedy gold. Batiuk’s been working that punchline since his own accident to get it just right, and all the readers can dream about is Funky’s death and not marvel at his greatest one-liner evah.

    To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson “We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents”

  227. Earthgirl
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:41 pm [Reply]

    @spike (#82): Well, shit. That means my cousins essentially live in Westview. No wonder my aunt got hit by a car. No cancer yet.

  228. spazmodeas
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:45 pm [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean: To quote Morticia Addams from Addams Family Values: “Oh no. He lives.”

  229. Mason Monstresor
    June 25th, 2010 at 9:45 pm [Reply]

    @Mardou Fox (#225): I would actually enjoy that.

  230. Écureuil Écumant
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:07 pm [Reply]

    I’M H – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – IT.
    YOU – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ONG
    PRO – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ME
    HEA – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – AND

    I’m hearing that this time you really stepped in it.
    You can’t even claim Rolling Stone got it wrong
    Prob’ly you wish you never heard the words “Bite Me”
    Heap big trouble, General. Hope you don’t mind pounding sand.

  231. commodorejohn
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:13 pm [Reply]

    I’M H – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – IT.
    YOU – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ONG
    PRO – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ME
    HEA – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – AND

    I’m holding out for a better survival kit.
    You know this one won’t last for long
    Probably two weeks, plus or minus some
    Heard the nukes are about to land

  232. Darby Snails
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:17 pm [Reply]

    I would have pegged Funky as a Pontiac Aztec man, but the PT cruiser is definitely lame enough.

  233. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:21 pm [Reply]

    I’M H – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – IT.
    YOU – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ONG
    PRO – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ME
    HEA – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – AND

    “I’m hot as shit.
    You said you were long.
    Prove it to me
    Heal me with your wand.”

    (I’ve mentioned this before, but it reminds me of the affectionate and touching dedication in one of the MAD ‘decade’ books (the 60s, I think it was) to the recently deceased Bill Gaines:
    Interested parties are referred to (a) the chapter about the MAD trips in Frank Jacobs’s The MAD World of William M. Gaines, and (b) the inside back cover of any issue of the magazine for the last 40+ years.)

    @ElkMeadow (#214): This would be the industry equivalent of “don’t trust anybody who’s nasty to the waitress.”

  234. FOOBed again
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:26 pm [Reply]

    @Hi There (#32): And the most improbable part of all that is the part about the Mariners winning the World Series!

  235. Sheila Sternwell
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:27 pm [Reply]

    So, now that we know that Batiuk crashed his own black hearse I mean PT Cruiser back in 2008:

    and that he says he crashed because someone in oncoming traffic swerved at him, I’m guessing that this is one of those trying-to-get-even strips he does. Like having someone die of cancer because he had cancer, or having Crank miserable and semi-comatose because his father died, etc. That’s why my money is on the lady who was happy and had friends dying a horrible death. Then Funky will be accused but very smart people with badges and scientific equipment will determine Talky McHappylady deserved to die, and all will be right with the Funkiverse again.

    Isn’t it kind of sick that the panel he drew of the lady talking on her phone didn’t convey irresponsibility as much as it conveyed joy and happiness? That’s our Tom!

  236. nil zed
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:32 pm [Reply]

    My aunt moved to Ohio to go to college, and has had every form of female type cancer, some of them twice. None of her 5 siblings has had any form of cancer, coincidence?

    (My aunt, unlike Lisa, is still alive and doing well at 70. It’s probably 10 years since her last round of which ever cancer it was that time. Go Auntie!)

  237. Mardou Fox
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:35 pm [Reply]

    I’M H – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – IT.
    YOU – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ONG
    PRO – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ME
    HEA – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – AND

    I’m horrified. You say you want to ‘do it’?
    You want to rub me all over with your 4-star dong
    Procreate war by launching your missile inside of me?
    “Healthy outlet” be damned. Get that gnarly old thing out of my hand!

  238. Nick Theodorakis
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:39 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#213):

    Just to be clear: “The Comics Kingdom Viewer” itself doesn’t have the strips; it’s just a script that fetches the comics from the Comics Kingdom web server. They seem to upload a week’s worth of strips every Friday. See this old blog post for details.


  239. Old School Allie Cat
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:42 pm [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#230):

    I think we have a winner.

  240. ElkMeadow
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:44 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#233):

    Gotcha. Having had the novel The Help by Kathryn Stockett for the library’s “read together” program, the term now in my town for it is “Two Slice Tilly”.
    You’ve got to read the book to get the reason why–it’s too perfect (for lack of a better word) to try to condense it here with a spoiler.

  241. ElkMeadow
    June 25th, 2010 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

    @Sheila Sternwell (#235):

    Isn’t it kind of sick that the panel he drew of the lady talking on her phone didn’t convey irresponsibility as much as it conveyed joy and happiness? That’s our Tom!

    She’s also the only one in the strip who doesn’t smirk. Or didn’t.

  242. bats :[
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:06 pm [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#241): she must be from out of town.

  243. This Guy
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:17 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#242): Little did she know that by her straying so close to Westview, her future light-cone became tilted toward the singularity of misery that is Funky Winkerbean: that point, that moment, at which all joy, all happiness, and all genuine amusement come to an end, forever crushed within that point of infinite loathsomeness. From the very instant she cracked a true smile, escape was impossible. We mourn her.

  244. bats :[
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:36 pm [Reply]

    @This Guy (#243): only the good die smirkless.

  245. Godozo
    June 25th, 2010 at 11:46 pm [Reply]

    First off, I’m betting that Funky was drunk as (bleep). When he said “I changed my mind,” it was after a few stiff drinks. Indeed, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that the bartender, figuring Funky was now illegally drunk, started serving him booze-flavored sweet water. That would explain why the bartender drank it up right away. Believe it or not, smart bartenders keep a few bottles of oddly-labeled drinks ready to “share” drinks with a patron. They’re colored, flavored water that looks close enough to the real stuff so that the paying patron doesn’t note anything odd (Something I learned from when I drank at bars. Another patron asked, the barkeep explained.).

    Second, I was in an accident a month and a half ago. Merely suffered from a couple of bent ribs. I blacked out for a few seconds. So even if Funky had come out totally untouched, the black square is accurate. No wasted black space there.

    Third, I think we’ll know when we see the July 4th strip. If it’s the bartender, Funky’s dead (and the strip may have a wind-down strategy in place – hopefully better than FBOFW). If it’s a teacher from his youth, his father or Lisa, he’s having a near-death experience (And if I’m right about him being drunk, in deep trouble – if you’re drunk, you’re not supposed to be there; and therefore at fault even if the girl jumped across the lane specifically to run into you. This I learned in trucking school.).

  246. This Guy
    June 26th, 2010 at 12:04 am [Reply]

    @Sheila Sternwell (#235): Quoth Batiuk: “I’m getting a little better every day.” Too bad he didn’t mean better at writing.

  247. This Guy
    June 26th, 2010 at 12:09 am [Reply]

    @Godozo (#245): You may be on to something. Maybe Funky was actually on his fourth or fifth screwdriver vodka-and-orange when he refused that one, but he thought it was the first because he’d lost all memory of the preceding 20 minutes. Interesting note about the tricks bartenders might play to avoid overserving and belligerent customers. I imagined that the bartender probably drank it because vodka ain’t as cheap as water (*), and he couldn’t pour it back in the bottle or anything.

  248. bats :[
    June 26th, 2010 at 12:27 am [Reply]


    MT: must be those damned squirrels chewing on the wires again.

  249. Mardou Fox
    June 26th, 2010 at 12:28 am [Reply]

    I’M H – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – IT.
    YOU – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ONG
    PRO – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – ME
    HEA – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – AND

    I’m hungover. I think I may vomit.
    You still want to sing me a love song?
    Prophylactics displease me.
    Hearty men find condom-sex bland.

    Errrr… sorry folks, I can’t stop… I will go away now.

  250. ElkMeadow
    June 26th, 2010 at 12:30 am [Reply]

    @Godozo (#245):

    I’ve blacked out at accidents too. It was like having my eyes closed for a long blink. You’re right, last panel is correct.

  251. ElkMeadow
    June 26th, 2010 at 12:41 am [Reply]

    Sorry, Jenna, you’re not dating a doctor. He gave up waiting as it’s taken you all week to get ready for your date. So you know who’s going to be sitting at that table? Our friend Charlie. (Cue the music, Cue): Some enchanted evening, you may meet a stranger….

    And speaking about Cue, looks like our buddy Bud is going to the same comic strip version of the green room where Cue waits in vain for a call back. (I wonder if he was the one on the phone, explaining the finer points of the law to Cue.) And guess what, Brook, Thug Boy can’t be charged without the evidence of the money bag. So kung fu to you, he’s gonna getcha someday.

  252. Uncle Lumpy
    June 26th, 2010 at 12:55 am [Reply]

    FW — A reboot might not be a bad thing. When the strip did its post-Lisa leap, I think the intention was to focus on Cory, Summer, Rana, Kayla, Jinx and the other kids. There were some attempts: Cory’s brush with the Law, Summer’s rivalry with Kayla, Rana’s ambiguous paternal loyalties, Jinx’s intellectual ambitions. But it didn’t really work: the kids came out one-dimensional, and wound up defined mostly in terms of what they didn’t like about their parents. And the parents had accreted too much backstory to bring anything really fresh.

  253. Occipital Lobe
    June 26th, 2010 at 1:27 am [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#213): Oh, Lord no, please. A week of absolutely nothing happening except for Funky being disoriented and saying “Oh no, it can’t be!” while we stumble back some 40 years or so (SPOILER ALERT: thanks to the VW bug)? Yeesh. You know, I hate to admit admiring this, but Blondie and Snuffy Smith never pulled this kinda crap …

  254. Ace
    June 26th, 2010 at 1:28 am [Reply]

    Prediction: Funky is not dead, but the girl in the other car is. As Josh predicted a couple days ago, someone will have seen him coming out of the bar and the assumption will be that he was drunk and therefore it’s his fault. the family will sue, thus eating up months of Funky’s life and draining him dry of his earthly possessions. Distraught, he will return to the bar, order a drink and rant about it to the bartender, then leave yet again without a single drop of alcohol reaching his lips. On the way home, he’ll meet up with another distracted teenage driver and the whole vicious cycle will start all over again.

    Thus, for the first time in 18 years, Funky Winkerbean will actually be funny again.

  255. Walker of Dog
    June 26th, 2010 at 1:29 am [Reply]

    A3G+Phantom: Nancy Newton and Diana’s uncle are both cool under pressure. If a living rag-doll or some purple bondage freak had shown up in my face from out of nowhere, my response probably would have been more along the lines of “What the fuck!? Shit, where the hell did you come from?”, and so on.

    RMMD: I see that Brook and June are about to pass through some sort of time portal, presumably back to the present day. So this was a future-crime? From the look on Officer Victor’s face, he’s not happy about this violation of the space-time continuum. Also, in the future no one wears Jules’ shoes.

    MW: Once this date finally starts, I’m worried it may be as boring and monotonous as the lead-up. However, I’m prepared for this type of situation, because I always carry a personal dose of Rohypnol.

    And Jenna, I’m sorry the dry cleaner couldn’t get that grease stain out of your dress, but come on – you’re trying to impress a doctor. Don’t you have anything stain-free in your closet?

    S-M: If Peter ever gets over his hurt feelings, it would be nice if he could help out the passenger in 12-B wrestling with the alien face-sucker. “Mxcus me, stwrdess?”

  256. ElkMeadow
    June 26th, 2010 at 1:40 am [Reply]

    Luann continues to tell whine complain brag talk about seeing Gunther naked. Poor Gunther, no one seems interested, let alone surprised. And even worse, Luann just won’t shut up about it.

  257. papa
    June 26th, 2010 at 1:48 am [Reply]

    FW (6/26) – Out of cell range (*cue ominous Twilight Zone music*)

    … but darn it, the hack has gotten our attention! Confess: How many of you who didn’t (and still don’t, theoretically) give a shit about the FW strip a week ago are now hanging out at the Houston Chronicle web site every midnight to be among the first to see what disappointment awaits each day?

  258. Occipital Lobe
    June 26th, 2010 at 1:51 am [Reply]

    @papa (#257): Ah, but thanks to Anonymous (#213): we can now get all our disappointment in one weekly, ready-to-retch dose! (And I, for one, appreciate not having to waste the next week wondering if Batiuk is going to figure out how to tell a story! Unfortunately, 9CW is not on the Comics Kingdom site, so we may never find out if Brooke figures out how to tell his …)

  259. Rusty's Ghost
    June 26th, 2010 at 1:54 am [Reply]

    Dear Mr. Josh:

    Sassy and I are still kinda dead, but I don’t think Winky Flunkybean is.



  260. Mr O'Malley
    June 26th, 2010 at 1:54 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#252): What you said. But really the problem is just that it’s all about this small set of people who spend all their time hanging around at a depressing pizza joint, and you’re expected to remember 20 or 30 years of backstory.

    What most of the other soaps do, like JP and RMMD, is bring in new characters who are around for just one plotline and then go away. And whatever they were involved in goes away too, and we start on something new. If it’s well-done, we lament the passing of the character and for the next couple of years people will be bringing up Cue or Cedric every so often. That’s one reason why FW gets so tedious. Nothing ever gets resolved. We just have the same set of problems over and over again.

    He couldn’t write the kids because he couldn’t bear to get enough distance from his original characters. When kids interact, they don’t spend much time thinking about their parents, they’re pursuing their own interests. He couldn’t stop drawing parallels with what their parents were doing at the same age.

    No one in the strip is allowed to have any interests except comic books, band and sports. If Ohio is really like that, it’s no wonder that death offers a blessed relief.

    In the other soaps there’s a secondary cast of people like Becca and Gloria, who enter the story every now and then for a while, and then retire offstage for a decent interval. And we only have to remember a few easily summarized pieces of information about them, which can be quickly supplied in context when they reappear. That way we get to take a break from the main characters.

    This is the complaints about overall structure post. Further complaints about individual strips will follow.

  261. ElkMeadow
    June 26th, 2010 at 1:54 am [Reply]

    @Occipital Lobe (#258):

    we may never find out if Brooke figures out how to tell his

    Save your brain cells. I’ve read enough of his stories at 9 and at Pib to know that he doesn’t. His Midsummer’s Night Dream was an exception, because his good buddy Bill Shakespeare personally handed him the story for free.

  262. ElkMeadow
    June 26th, 2010 at 1:56 am [Reply]

    @Mr O’Malley (#260):

    Cue. Sweet blessed pot-selling’ Cue. He never got his due.

  263. Bill the Butcher
    June 26th, 2010 at 2:02 am [Reply]

    Luann: Yes, Luann was very, very embarrassed. That’s why she was blabbing all about Gunther to her friends.

    Yes, I hope at least a few papers dump the strip after this putrid arc, which an insider assures us is not over yet.

    The imagination boggles at what’s to come.

  264. RogerKaputnik
    June 26th, 2010 at 2:03 am [Reply]

    Then it hit me: “Revolutionary Road” *is* “The Lockhorns.”

  265. Mr O'Malley
    June 26th, 2010 at 2:29 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Read a book? Get interesting information online? Learn a craft? Are these people so dead that they can’t imagine any form of leisure activity other than the entertainment industry shovelling tripe into their brains?

    FW: I, for one, am not going to peek ahead, because going day by day I can complain about the picayune details.

    First, if this is Funky in Purgatory, the correct way to start is with him standing beside a totally wrecked car saying “What a lucky escape!”. It is not showing his car in the ditch without a scratch on it, save for the inexplicably severed radiator hose. And if it’s supposed to be the ghost of his car, the radiator hose would be OK.

    I know someone who was in a collision, and his airbag broke two of his ribs. However, he didn’t get a concussion. But Funky didn’t even collide with anything, which I presume is the reason his airbag didn’t go off. So brain-injury-induced hallucination is a non-starter.

    MW: So if she likes him, she’ll continue dating him. And if she doesn’t like him, she’ll continue dating him—to please her mother.

    I like the way her mirror image is a foot taller than she is, changes the angle of her hand and fills in her missing arm, while not reflecting any of the objects placed in front of it.

    Pluggers are too dumb to wear hats when they go out in the sun?

    RMMD: The cop can still bust him for breaking and entering that empty building. But they’ll get him for the mugging too. What court is going to bother with a silly thing like evidentiary chain-of-custody when it’s the word of some vagrant against one of the leading citizens of the town?

  266. The "Noodle Incident"
    June 26th, 2010 at 2:47 am [Reply]


  267. Poteet
    June 26th, 2010 at 2:51 am [Reply]


    9CL — Oh, for gawdsake, Gran, we get it already. You and Bill Dickhead deserved each other. End the story, shut up, and free the hospital bed for someone who actually needs it.

    FW — So does this mean Funky really is dead? Hope, hope, hope? As a novice and very incompetent cell-phone user, I have no idea how ominous “no bars” really is.

  268. KarMann
    June 26th, 2010 at 2:53 am [Reply]

  269. This Guy
    June 26th, 2010 at 3:46 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#267): RE: No bars: Not very. I used to get no signal inside our local Kroger, although that was with a different carrier. In a semi-isolated spot in northeastern Ohio, it’s not so strange, I dare say.

    MC: I’m guessing that Norm is going to his poor-man’s Angry Dome because he’s sick of people complaining about how incomprehensible the ending of Lost was when it in fact is perfectly comprehensible. I mean, of course they didn’t answer every question we had, but there wasn’t really a moment during the finale where I threw up my hands and shouted “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?” I have a theory that the popularity and success of the show exposed a huge batch of people to the whole mind-fuck concept for maybe the first time, or the first time in a long time. Maybe my steady diet of movies like 2001, Fight Club, Memento, the works of Terry Gilliam, literature like, well, anything by Philip K. Dick, and perhaps above all, anime like Neon Genesis Evangelion prepared me in a way that non-nerds just weren’t prepared. I don’t say this to denigrate them, of course. It’s just one of those things.

    (Cue Ed Power coming in to point out that I’ve interpreted the strip completely wrongly.)

  270. Push Trot
    June 26th, 2010 at 3:55 am [Reply]

    S-M: Why don’t you get it, Peter? Nobody cares if you’re Spider-Man.

    MT: Is Rusty crying, or is his face melting? And, Mr. Villain, why not call Mark Trail about the reward first, and then decide wether or not to steal the dog? Oh, right, you’re an idiot. Sorry.

    Luann: Wouldn’t this be funnier if Gunther had seen Luann naked, and she was terrified he would tell anyone? I mean, hasn’t Gunther suffered enough?
    … By that I mean suffered enough for it to be interesting – I know he hasn’t suffered enough for being a whiny little bastard.

    GT: For you who thrilled at Gil Thorp’s warped take on sexting, get ready for … the Rickroll!
    Or perhaps he’s just sending this[*]

    And the last couple of days of Dick Tracy: Pure art.

  271. Dr. Weird
    June 26th, 2010 at 3:55 am [Reply]

    Dick Tracy

    One thing that they made a point of saying in the early Dick Tracy strips (the early archive books are great, I highly recommend them) is that Dick Tracy is tough even without a gun, unlike many of his peers. It’s odd and sad to see so many modern strips about him running away or worrying about his lack of a gun.

  272. Thomas B.
    June 26th, 2010 at 4:14 am [Reply]

    I can see a sponsor tie in to Saturday’s Funky Winkerbean. “When you are dead, don’t realize it yet, and you need to make a call, no service gives you more bars than Verizon.”

  273. Thomas B.
    June 26th, 2010 at 4:18 am [Reply]

    Dead and don’t realize it yet? There’s an app for that.

  274. Donkey Hotey
    June 26th, 2010 at 4:36 am [Reply]

    @Mason Montresor (#191): I see what you did there.

  275. Thomas B.
    June 26th, 2010 at 5:01 am [Reply]

  276. Thomas B.
    June 26th, 2010 at 5:05 am [Reply]

    MW- Jenna, what is the point of looking in a mirror if you won’t wipe the dirt off your cheeks?

  277. Thomas B.
    June 26th, 2010 at 5:24 am [Reply]

    MT- Is that a 2×5 orange, fringed bathroom mat nailed to wall at a forty-five degree angle in Mark’s cabin? That’s really pushing the envelope of the “With-Rusty’s-mug-around-anything-looks-good-by-comparison” theory of interior design. Okay on to panel two…Holy missing chromosomes Batman!! On second thought, that bathroom mat is an inspired choice for a wall covering.

  278. Thomas B.
    June 26th, 2010 at 5:32 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft- Yes, anything to avoid physical intimacy.

  279. Just some guy
    June 26th, 2010 at 5:47 am [Reply]

    Leroy had a three-way while Loretta was sleeping, and Loretta just woke up as the couple were leaving.

  280. OMJulie
    June 26th, 2010 at 5:57 am [Reply]

    No no! It’s the Funky Winkerbean version of It’s a Wonderful Life! Except naturally this version is called “It’s a Wonderful Death.” And it’s about how much happier everyone would be – both in and out of the strip – if Funky had never existed. Chief among these happy, well-adjusted people would, of course, be Tom Batiuk himself, who is probably writing this plot as a wistful expression of his own regret over having wasted some 20 years of his life spewing unremitting doom and gloom all over the nation’s now-shrinking newspaper pages. “If only…” our gasping author seems to cry, “If only this monstrosity had never been!”

    Oh, Tommy, we know it won’t change anything really, but you can sure dream. We can all dream.

  281. Écureuil Écumant
    June 26th, 2010 at 6:53 am [Reply]

    FW: Now we can be sure Funky’s died and is in hell. Anyplace where you can’t get a signal is, by definition, hell to 99% of our current society. I shudder to think what heaven will be like, because I doubt that His Majesty Emperor Haile I Selassie I knows from Twitter.

  282. tb4000
    June 26th, 2010 at 7:11 am [Reply]

    Luann: Milf Degroot is being quite calm about this, because it involved her daughter. Had this incident taken place with Brad and Toni however, she would be preparing to murder that whore with her bare hands for muscling in on her territory.

  283. gleeb
    June 26th, 2010 at 7:15 am [Reply]

    ‘shaft: It’s the end of June. The only movies they release in theaters in June are big, stupid ones.

    Fuzzy: Yeah, like this shut-in has friends.

    Phantom: The Ghost-who-walks gets his father-in-law on an FBI terror list. Well done!

    ‘bean: So this is all Batiuk’s way of shaking his fist at the ruffians who ran him off the road? Or at least at some innocent bystander who was there when his poor driving caused a one-car crash?

  284. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 26th, 2010 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    Dimwit the Menace: Forget the moronic joke, I want to know when Wilson learned to read Japanese!

    Family Circumcision: One big happy family — except for Thel who packed her bags and moved back to Australia!

  285. Mordock999
    June 26th, 2010 at 7:54 am [Reply]

    Today’s Funky Winkerbean – 06/26/10

    DON’T worry about those “Bars” Funky.

    You’ll SEE them SOON enough when the Cops arrest you for DUI and Reckless Driving…,
    Today’s Luann 06/26/10

    Well, who You gonna BLAB to about Gunther’s “embarrassing moment” NEXT, Luann?
    I HEAR there’s a CERTAIN Reporter from ‘Rolling Stone’ that just LOVES writing about “Life Destroying” shit like that.

    JUST be sure to get DRUNK first….,


    DEATH to TJ!!!

  286. Amateur
    June 26th, 2010 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    MW: Uh-oh, we got mommy issues. I knew there had to be a catch somewhere.

  287. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 26th, 2010 at 8:06 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: Plugger Guy could just wear a hat when he goes to the beach. (like moi!)

    PBS: Pig’s favorite opera? PIGLIACCI!!!

  288. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 26th, 2010 at 8:19 am [Reply]

    SB and SF go well together today.

    OBH: *snurk*

    Lio: The Robot + The Worm

    CdS: be glad that it’s not the larger Tyranids, Petey. One Hive Tyrant can really mess up your day.

    IP: guest-starring Narration Box.

    inspired by MC and @This Guy (#269): I never watched Lost, and got seriously lost somewhere around the middle of Season 2 of Heroes. On the plus side, after a month of evenings in the Avatar State, I now know what those oh-so-many many pages on TV Tropes are on about. The final “extra” comment at the end of the final episode had the QG and I rolling on the sofa with laughter. That was a wonderful series, and I can now dread the upcoming movie properly.

  289. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 26th, 2010 at 8:26 am [Reply]

    Gasoline Alley: After clubbing Uncle Walt to death with a baseball bat, Gertie calmly washes the blood off her hands.

    Monty: I counted three commercial references in just one strip — Walmart, CVS and Bengay. When did Meddick turn Monty into a traveling billboard?

  290. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 26th, 2010 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    HAMMY shows us his nuts.

    the furry version of IT.

    pokey-ball I iz it.

  291. Weaselboy
    June 26th, 2010 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    DtM: “Taking a bath. Why do you ask?”

  292. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 26th, 2010 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    Hi & Lois: Strangely enough, that’s exactly what my parents used to do with ME during Summer Vacation!

    Rex Morgan: A tiny panel with an even tinier Ned-head inside. So… is this Manley’s way of showing that Neddy feels constrained by her choice of Jules as a boyfriend? And what could Mark possibly have to offer that Jules can’t give her as well? (On second thought, I can figure it out for myself!)

  293. TheDiva
    June 26th, 2010 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    C’shaft: That Pam and Jeff will go to any lengths to avoid talking to or even looking at each other for a couple hours says a lot about their relationship.

    DT: It must’ve been really hard to swing that ax without elbows.

    FW: So, either cheapskate Funky can’t get reception from whatever two-bit cell phone plan he has (unwilling to admit the consequences of his parsimony, he puts the blame on the “broken” phone) or Chatty Cathy was delusional and carrying on a conversation with the voices in her head. With Batiuk, either possibility is likely.

    Luann: ….Why do half the boys in this strip find Luann attractive again?

    MW: If you’re old enough to have your own financial planning practice and are dating to please your mother, you have more problems than not being able to find Mr. Right.

  294. Col. Havoc
    June 26th, 2010 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    Friday’s CC: Unless … that inky black panel really was his death, and now he’s a dead-and-doesn’t-know-it ghost, à la Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense.

    Saturday’s FW: “Gee, I have no cell phone bars here in hell…

    Once again, it appears as though Josh prophetically figures out the comics, so we don’t have to…

  295. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 26th, 2010 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    A&J: There’s some fun stuff between today’s strip and the one that is in Jimmy Johnson’s A&J blog.

  296. Vince
    June 26th, 2010 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    Hey, we were just talking about the persistence of ‘Alien’ imagery the other week, and here we have ‘Cow and Boy’ and ‘The Knight Life’ today!
    Some pretty good comics today, but I laughed the most at RMMD and Officer McSulky.

  297. mr 12 oz can
    June 26th, 2010 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    mark trail- good thing rustys retarted .because mark is a total douche .officer murph is calling during daylight not at midnight so hes gonna wait a whole day to drive the 10 miles to pickup the dog . i bet the reward is a autograph picture of mark with the senator or a 2 month subscption to that magazine he writes for
    mary worth- maybe dr mike hasnt found love because he likes to give all his first dates enemas but in a professional way of course

  298. dimestore lipstick
    June 26th, 2010 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    Everybody done making fun of my car now? Good.
    My 2003 PT is what my dad calls “the car you’ll hate for 200,000 miles”. And @Edgy DC–if you think the PT is a rare car, come visit Kenosha, or any other Chrysler town. There’s at least 19 of them in any average parking lot.

  299. Écureuil Écumant
    June 26th, 2010 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    @mr 12 oz can (#297): Yeah, the plot requires him to wait overnight. It’s like the old joke about Bill Clinton and the Pope both on the same airplane and it crashes. But there’s a mixup and the Pope ends up in Hell while Clinton goes to Heaven. The mistake is recognized right away, but it takes a little time before the paperwork can be corrected. So the next day, Clinton’s on his way down when he meets the Pope on his way up. Clinton says, “Boy, you look happy to be headed to Heaven!” “Yeah,” says the Pope, “I’m really looking forward to meeting the Virgin Mary.” Clinton replies, “Sorry, you’re a day late.”

  300. sully
    June 26th, 2010 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    Die, Stinkerbean. Die, damn you.

  301. Comcis Fan
    June 26th, 2010 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    MW: It might be healthy if Jenna actually stopped thinking to herself in the mirror, wondering what mother might think, and actually went on that first date before declaring hself dating the shrink doctor, who might run for the hills if privy to this thought bubble scene. She also might want to wax that mustache and Biore (TM) those blackeads, too.

    FW: Wait, are they telling us there are no bars where Funky is? As in, he’s gone where no cell-phone signal can go?

  302. Rusty
    June 26th, 2010 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    FW: I will bet that Funky died of a heart attack in the near-miss collision, that’s why there is no property damage. He is now traveling back in time to the Westview of his youth. I will applaud Batiuk if Funky’s afterlife is being stuck in Westview for eternity.

    Luann: If Gunther saw Luann naked, we would be privy to 2 weeks of a very special “Luann is violated” story arc.

  303. Rana
    June 26th, 2010 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#267): You should check out this video supercut, exploring the clichés for cell phone failure in horror movies:

  304. John C GreaterOmahaMetroArea
    June 26th, 2010 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    FW – I really, really hope that @This Guy (#y291) is right and this turns into Soultaker. I want to see how Batiuk draws Robert Z’Dar.

    @bats :[ (#248): “…And what’s this thing coming toward me very fast? So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like ‘Ow’, ‘Ound’, ‘Round’, ‘Ground’! That’s it! Ground! Ha! I wonder if it’ll be friends with me?”

    9CL – Shut up! Just stop it, already! Shutupshutupshutupshutup!

    ZtP – I don’t remember that episode, but I remember the one when Jerry Van Dyke thought his mom had been put through a car crusher. I’ve tried to forget it, but the siren song of Ann Sothern coming from the radio of a 1928 “Porter” just won’t let me go.

    DT – Yes, he breaks the glass with an ax because it’s bullet-proof, you see, so – hey!

    GA – In the second panel, Gertie seems to have turned into Skeezix in a wig and housecoat. This explains a lot, actually.

  305. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 26th, 2010 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    Arlo & Janis: Uh, Janis, I think Arlo’s right hand is planning a visit to the Deep South! (Well, paint me blue and call me Quincy!)

    Nancy: I always thought Ernie Bushmiller’s Poochie was a he-dog, but that seems to have changed under the Gilchrists. (But what do I care as long as Fritzi Ritz is still HAWT?)

  306. Mardou Fox
    June 26th, 2010 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    I’m really getting worried about Cherry. Perhaps she’ll be found wandering the streets, and taken home by a kind old lady who has a whole pack of newly-coiffed women who couldn’t figure out how to get back home.

  307. Buck Ripsnort
    June 26th, 2010 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    S-M: You need an explanation for why Iron Man hit you, punk? Look in the mirror.

    Is something wrong w/ me if the strip that made me laugh the hardest this morning is Officer O’Sulky in RMMD?

  308. Calico
    June 26th, 2010 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    Rusty is weeping because he finally saw himself in the mirror for the first time.

  309. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 26th, 2010 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    @John C GreaterOmahaMetroArea (#304): (re: ZtP) That has to be a reference to the TV sitcom My Mother the Car! Incidentally, I lived in Omaha many moons ago (1968-69), and used to follow the daily exploits of the Jackson Twins and Gil Thorp in the local newspaper!

  310. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 26th, 2010 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    @John C GreaterOmahaMetroArea (#304): bullet proof glass was indeed used in WWII aircraft canopies, although often just the front windscreen. Stukas were pretty tough birds, and the rear gunner did have armored glass in the later versions.

  311. Godozo
    June 26th, 2010 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    Luanne: Remember the rule: Naked men are funny, naked women aren’t.

    Think Mr. Bobbit vs. Your average playboy bunny. Gruesome, but the point is made.

    That the point is being abused is another issue…

  312. Calico
    June 26th, 2010 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    @Col. Havoc (#294):
    Maybe Funk is in a coma, or Purgatory.

  313. Miss Othmar
    June 26th, 2010 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    MW: Looks like Jenna and Delilah are re-creating the mirror scene from Duck Soup. Nice try, but they need to work on matching each other’s facial expressions.

    Zits: The past two strips have been funny — I wish they’d stick to one-shot bits like this and give up on anything with a plotline.

    @Mardou Fox (#306): I can’t help picturing a room full of Emily-Litella-type characters. “You mean “Mark Trail” isn’t my street address? Never mind…”

  314. Calico
    June 26th, 2010 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    @dimestore lipstick (#298):
    My Aunt’s boyfriend owns one – he was on a waiting list a few years ago to purchase the PT. I think it’s gray – can’t remember as I rode in it only twice.

  315. Citric
    June 26th, 2010 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    DtM: So is Dennis trying to pick up Mr. Wilson? Not to be odd, but he keeps showing up in his bathroom, trying to schedule dates…

    FW: And now Funky is eaten by bears.

  316. Ed Power, Cage Writer
    June 26th, 2010 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    This Guy @ 269:

    “(Cue Ed Power coming in to point out that I’ve interpreted the strip completely wrongly.)”

    You said it, brother! :)

    To me ‘Lost’ ended with a third act ‘deus ex machina’ of the ‘giant glowy bathtub of goodness’ that was both lazy and insulting. When they said they had the ending planned form the beginning they obviously only meant the Jack’s eye-thing and NOTHING else.

    Then to add to the insult, people who thought they were dead the whole six years are telling me I just didn’t understand the ending.

    On the upside, towards the end of July we’re using how unhappy Norm is with ‘Lost’ to introduce a plot point about where the h…well, you’ll see. :)

  317. Calico
    June 26th, 2010 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    @Amateur (#286):
    Here’s to hoping Jenna doesn’t use metal hangers. Or something.

  318. DairyStateDad
    June 26th, 2010 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    At the risk of defending the indefensible…

    Here’s a serious, tentative speculation about the outcome of the current Funky “it’s a wonderful death” arc.

    Over the last several weeks there have been a number of trenchant comments here about the seemingly unintentional irony of the overall Funky arc. The most comprehensive one was the lengthy essay about how Funky’s been driving the pizzeria into the ground ever since he shipped Tony off to Florida, and yet after closing the NY shop was seen grousing on a park bench w/ Les about how Wall Street fat cats were somehow responsible for the collapse of his business.

    But what if the irony is in fact intentional, and TB is purposely making the signature character of his strip some kind of unreliable narrator/protagonist? And then comes this whole weird sequence, and it will end w/ Funky recovering from a short blackout, sadder, wiser, more honest and more humble, ready finally to make amends (in true AA fashion) w/ all the people he’s abused or ignored or otherwise dissed in recent years?

    OK, OK, I know my naivete is touching, and I’m way out on a limb here and ready to saw it off. Even if I’m right it’s likely to turn out as pretentious as hell, but I’m just sayin’ … if it’s anywhere close, you read it here first.

    I mean, maybe the moon really IS made of green cheese…

  319. Missing Dortmunder
    June 26th, 2010 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    @dimestore lipstick (#298): I envy you your PT Cruiser. I really wanted one, but just couldn’t make it work for me (we have two very large dogs). So I have a collection of little PT Cruiser model cars instead. Vroom, vroom! Pathetic, I know, but the best I could manage.

  320. Soccerhead
    June 26th, 2010 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    I’m starting to miss Ed Crankshaft.
    Compared to the Non-Adentures of Pam and Jeff, Fred Basset looks hilarious.

  321. Soccerhead
    June 26th, 2010 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    @Citric (#315):Funky is eaten by bears?
    Does this mean the Funkster has landed in Pluggerville?

  322. Lucky
    June 26th, 2010 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    For Better or For Worse – Ha ha, sexism.

    Funky Winkerbean – “My name is Funky Winkerbean. I had an accident and I woke up in 1973. Am I mad, in a coma, or back in time? Whatever’s happened, it’s like I’ve landed on a different planet. Now, maybe if I can work out the reason, I can get home.”

    Garfield – Garfield Minus Liz.

    My Cage – “Seriously, did we? I’ve been drinking this whole morning and can’t even remember what day it is.”

    Pluggers – …think that there’s something worth protecting in their heads.

    Spider-Man – …with special guest appearance by George Costanza.

  323. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 26th, 2010 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    @Ed Power, Cage Writer (#316): I know it won’t win me any friends here, but I’m just glad the show is finally over!

  324. FOOBed again
    June 26th, 2010 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    @dimestore lipstick (#298): PT Cruisers aren’t rare in Seattle either. One of my neighbors in the apartment building I live in has a red one, and I usually see others on the road fairly frequently.

  325. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 26th, 2010 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    @Soccerhead (#321): it was Basil that was eaten by bears.

  326. carbunicle
    June 26th, 2010 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#252):Somewhere in Medina:

    It’s called writing! Writing, you ingrates! Wri-hi-hi-ting! I am … a writer! Writing! Oh God, What have I done?

    (Oops, I made myself sad for a second on Tom’s behalf so I drew a black square and put all my sad thoughts in it and I made that square as black as I could and I drew and drew and drew and made it as black as I could but it isn’t black enough ever so I burned it. All better now!)

  327. ElkMeadow
    June 26th, 2010 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    @Lucky (#322):

    For Better or For Worse – Ha ha, sexism.

    Sorry, but I don’t think it’s sexism. That a woman is terrified her non-abusive, bring-home-the-bacon, red-blooded, heterosexual husband might be undressing her with his eyes is…I dunno, what’s a worse word than Puritanical? Talibanish?

  328. ElkMeadow
    June 26th, 2010 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

  329. ElkMeadow
    June 26th, 2010 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#267):

    I have no idea how ominous “no bars” really is.

    It means you’re someplace between Burns and Ontario, Oregon, or Burns and Bend, Oregon, or you’re on T-Mobile at my house. No phone calls in or out.

    Or maybe in Funky’s case, no place to get a beer or a screwdriver or a brandy or a sherry or a Brandy or a Sherry.

  330. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 26th, 2010 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

  331. JD Rhoades
    June 26th, 2010 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#213):

    Oh, God DAMN it.

    He’s gone back in time. No bars because cell phones didn’t exist then.

    JESUS H. CHRIST, this is lame. I’d thought FW had lost it’s ability to piss me off with sheer lameness, but I see I was wrong.

  332. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 26th, 2010 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    S-M: Am I the only one who thinks Dominic Monaghan (FlashForward, Lost) should play the Puppet Master in the next Spidey film?

  333. Hank
    June 26th, 2010 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    Anyone else find it ironic as heck that all signs point to Funky Winkerbean (which is written [I think] nearly a year in advance) having more or less come up with the same plot as the finale of Lost and the strip running the same week that MyCage starts snarking on that finale?

    (And, Ed Power, I’m with you. That finale failed on so many levels…well, except for putting Kate in that black cocktail dress)

  334. Saluki
    June 26th, 2010 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    Gil Thorp : Hey! Don’t go dragging Chicago in to this madness. We already have the Cubs.

  335. FOOBed again
    June 26th, 2010 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#292): I can’t see what Neddy sees in either Jules or Mark. You’d think she could have anyone–she’s beautful, rich, talented, smart, charming, and she picks these doofuses that aren’t much more appealing than grown-up Gunthers.

  336. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 26th, 2010 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#329): Funky prefers Stinking Bishop with his whine. (Which is exactly what you should expect from a guy named “Funky”!)

  337. John C GreaterOmahaMetroArea
    June 26th, 2010 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#310): If only our pilots had been issued axes during the war, we could have cleaned up the skies in no time. Or if only our airplanes were equipped with Tex Avery-style hatchets that come out on giant folding arms at the pull of a lever. Come to think of it, that’d be pretty cool. Ineffective, but cool. Kinda like having a glass floor on your car so you can see if the person you just ran over was a friend of yours. Come to think of it, the world would be a better place if it’d been created by Tex Avery. Or Stan Freberg. Now there’s your Intelligent Design!

    I’m sorry. That didn’t come out right. I guess the point is, what kind of bad-ass ax can shatter bullet proof glass? Actually, the real question is, why am I taking anything to do with Dick Tracy seriously? Oh. Right. My personality disorder. How could I forget? Oh. Right. (And that’s when I woke up.)

    I, too, had no idea that PT Cruisers were a rarity. This part of the country is lousy with ‘em. Just like Chickenman; They’re everywhere! They’re everywhere!

  338. bad wolf
    June 26th, 2010 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Dammit, i just remembered TJ seeing Mrs. Degroot in the shower last year. If someone can remember the date for that we might have an estimate of the length of the time-loop in the Luann universe.

  339. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 26th, 2010 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    Close2 – Somethin’s happenin’ here.
    What it is ain’t exactly clear.
    (repeat daily)

    Dick – J.F. Christ, Tracy! All you had to do was shake the plane while he was tapdancing on top of it. What’s your strategy now? Hope the ax will come up and hit him between the legs? (He’ll really be Johnny Nothing then.)

    Mark – Agghh! When Rusty weeps, flesh-colored drops ooze out of his eyes. Rusty cries MEAT!

    @ElkMeadow (#256): I’m guessing Luann is actually bragging. About how sharp her eyes are when it comes to seeing small objects.

    @John C GreaterOmahaMetroArea (#337): Omaha? Sounds like you live in Midland City: Sprawling metropolis, with canyons of steel and neon tubing… with an 18-lane bowling alley, a nearly-completed discotheque …and that’s it.

  340. FOOBed again
    June 26th, 2010 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    OMG, @Mr O’Malley (#260): Yes! You’ve really brought up a good point about characters in Funky Winkerbean. And when Batiuk does bring in new characters, it’s someone like those two freshmen boys, Cody and his friend (can’t remember his name) who really are just re-creations of teenage Les and Funky.

  341. Peanut Gallery
    June 26th, 2010 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    @Col. Havoc (#294): Speaking as a true curmudgeon (i.e. grumpy about inconsiderate whippersnappers and their newfangled gadgets), I am certain there would be cell phone reception in hell.

  342. commodorejohn
    June 26th, 2010 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    @Vince (#296): Cow & Boy‘s actually been doing the Aliens references all week.

    A3G – “Kat” and “Kitty?” Is this ’50s Strip Club: The Musical!?

    A&J – Mmm, Janis fanservice.

    BB – That is one sorry excuse for a spit-take, there.

    C&B – Isn’t this the part where all the characters except Boy get killed in a shuttle crash so that the next sequel can be exactly like the first movie only shitty?

    Crankshaft – So the moral of the story is “Netflix sucks because it allows you to order stuff you don’t want, let the theaters choose for you instead?” Or am I missing something?

    Curtis – Hey, there ain’t nothing wrong with liking movie monsters.

    FC – If you ask me, the second-funniest aspect of The Family Circus (after all the ongoing Jeffy abuse) is Bil’s constant dismayed-yet-resigned expressions. The children take everything he has to offer and rule his life; he doesn’t like it, but he knows he can’t escape it.

    GT – “While in Chicago&emdash;” a bunch of people I can’t recall ever having heard of do something that may possibly be related to the plot, but maybe not, who knows?

    Luann – No. Gunther gets no sympathy. Ever.


    MW – *projectile vomiting*

    MC – Don’t feed the trolls, Norm!

    Phantom – Such a fine son-in-law!


    Popeye – …? !? …

    PC – I’m hanging this one on my wall.

    RMMD – Oh my God, do I love the sulky, glowering police officer. Best Rex Morgan storyline EVER.

    SM – Who wouldn’t hit you, Peter?

  343. commodorejohn
    June 26th, 2010 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    Gah, preview, preview…

  344. Batman Beatles
    June 26th, 2010 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft – Just. Send. It. Back. Gaaah!

  345. Écureuil Écumant
    June 26th, 2010 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    @331 JD Rhoades said re FW:

    Oh, God DAMN it. He’s gone back in time. No bars because cell phones didn’t exist then.

    If he has, he’s gonna have lots of fun finding a radiator hose for that PT.

  346. Calico
    June 26th, 2010 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    @Ace (#254):
    Christ, sounds like the Star Trek card game and subsequent explosion…over and over…

  347. Austria
    June 26th, 2010 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#256): See, this is Luann’s version of a score. People in real life will brag about their sexual exploits, but in Luannworld their exploits are nothing more than “I SAW A GUY NAKED! HIGH-FIVE!!!”

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#288): You weren’t the only one. “Kataang wins!!” As it turns out, my roommate this year was a Zutarian. We would have fake fights about who Zuko should have ended up with. (Honestly, I could have cared less about Kataang. I just didn’t like Zutara. Mainly because I wanted Zuko to end up with Jin, his 5-minute love interest from Ba Sing Se. She’s awesome.)

    okay enough of me being a stupid fangirl


    A3G: Kat and Kitty? Hurr. I see what you did there.

    Arch: This is Hot Dog’s revenge for Jughead being a cheapskate and buying only “Dog Food”-brand dog food.

    BC: HEEYYYY, CURRENT EVENTS! About a month after all the buzz died down. Stay relevant, BC!

    BB: Mort Walker Filthy Sexy Cartoons version – “…and she hit me in the nuts with a bag of rice.”


    Luann: And again…”Hey. Hey mom. I saw a guy naked. *eyebrows*”

    PBS: I vote for Rat to wear glasses more often.

    RMMD: Best thing in the paper today. >8[
    At first I misinterpreted and thought Bisbee was talking to the officer in that last panel. It’s a little funnier that way.

    R=R: My gosh. Three days in a row without any animal jokes? And this just happens to coincide with Winky Funkerboo’s potential death? …Yeah, it’s the apocalypse, everybody run.

  348. Weaselboy
    June 26th, 2010 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    FW: If Funky has indeed gone back in time, Batuik needs to figure out a way to get a Rod Serling voice-over to accompany the strip… Never mind, that still wouldn’t help.

  349. Ukulele Ike
    June 26th, 2010 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#292): “And what could Mark possibly have to offer that Jules can’t give her as well? ”

    Jules has a bad back, remember? A man with a bad back ain’t no good to a healthy woman.

  350. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 26th, 2010 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    @Austria (#347): could be worse. Could be Iroh/Toph. The QG thought that Aang/Toph would be a cute match, mainly because they were the same age and thus somewhat less squicky. And then there’s Ty Lee. [*] So, have an plush Appa to help restore the cute. ;-) As mentioned above, I’d just discovered the series a few weeks back, so fangirling is fine by me.

    for everyone else, have some Lab pups in forgiveness of the topic drift.

  351. Jim C
    June 26th, 2010 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    @Lucky (#322):

    Funky Winkerbean – “My name is Funky Winkerbean. I had an accident and I woke up in 1973. Am I mad, in a coma, or back in time? Whatever’s happened, it’s like I’ve landed on a different planet. Now, maybe if I can work out the reason, I can get home.”

    Funky does resemble a really fat John Simm, now that you mention it.

    I still can’t get over TB’s drawing of the other car’s tire tracks in every panel for the last few days. “Here are tire tracks showing little Billy(Age 6)’s driving route from home to his eternal damnation.”

  352. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 26th, 2010 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    @John C GreaterOmahaMetroArea (#337): well, they had to use SOMETHING to get pilots out of crashed aircraft before the Jaws of Life were invented. :-P

  353. Ukulele Ike
    June 26th, 2010 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

  354. mustang
    June 26th, 2010 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    FBOFW – Peanuts it ain’t.

  355. Patrick, Interlibrary Loan Lending Division
    June 26th, 2010 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean: Okay, I peeked at the Comics Kingdom Viewer. While it’s still vague, it seems to lean towards garden variety time travel. If that is the case, it wallows in nine degrees of lameness. If it is some kind of Twilight Zone meets a Wonderful Life meets Star Trek 2009 meets Lost then it wallows in 42 degrees of lameness. If he is dead, then it wallows in 12 degrees of last season Ghost Whisperer lameness.

    When you see these strips as they appear, you’ll see what I mean. Some obvious logic/writing gaps if what is going on is in “real-time” for Funky. As in I don’t see how he could possibly miss what should be very obvious signs that something is amiss long before he finally gets a clue.

    For the record: I actually enjoyed quite a bit of Ghost Whisperer, but it had a moment where it jumped the shark and was never quite the same again. Your experience may vary.

  356. Citric
    June 26th, 2010 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    @Lucky (#322): Let’s hope he’s ripping off the British original and not the crappy American remake. Though Funky and Les landing on Mars would be a delightful mindfuck.

  357. FOOBed again
    June 26th, 2010 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    @Patrick, Interlibrary Loan Lending Division (#355): I read ahead in Funky too, and you’re right, it’s lame. I think he must be in a coma while experiencing it, though there doesn’t seem to be a mark on him. Unless he had a non-fatal heart attack and passed out? Anyway, it’s very lame.

  358. bats :[
    June 26th, 2010 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#256): we can always hope

  359. bats :[
    June 26th, 2010 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    @dimestore lipstick (#298): I like your car!

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#305): re Nancy: totall HAWT.

    @Missing Dortmunder (#319): when mr. bats :[ realized that a PT Cruiser just wasn’t going to work for him, a friend bought him a model PT Cruiser, too. United in Vroom! Vroom!

    @ElkMeadow (#327): I really didn’t want to do this…but honestly, this is what I thought the response would’ve been, since we all know what a rat bastard Ron John is.

  360. Anonymous
    June 26th, 2010 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    @Patrick, Interlibrary Loan Lending Division (#355): I actually enjoyed quite a bit of Ghost Whisperer, but it had a moment where it jumped the shark and was never quite the same again.The moment where Jennifer Love Hewitt put on a high-cut loose fitting top?

  361. Hank
    June 26th, 2010 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    @Citric (#356): I actually enjoyed quite a bit of Ghost Whisperer, but it had a moment where it jumped the shark and was never quite the same again.At this point, when someone refers to the “crappy American remake [of Life on Mars]” I immediately think of the Lost finale.

  362. Girl Reporter
    June 26th, 2010 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    @Citric (#356): Hey! I really really liked the crappy American remake!

  363. ElkMeadow
    June 26th, 2010 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    Interesting that everyone in Luannville instantly assumes that Gunther’s nakedness was purely by accident. He could stride down the street naked and everyone (kids included) would think that he just forgot to get dressed.

    Maybe, once Funky is over the hill (HAH!) he could run into something really different, like a coven of vampires who just want his blood and will leave him high and dry by the side of the road. Nah, can’t get blood from a turnip. How about Zomibies? Nope, need brains in the first place. How about just having the earth opening up and swallowing him whole?

    Um, the airbag didn’t deploy, did it? Okay, he’s dead.

  364. This Guy
    June 26th, 2010 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    @Ed Power, Cage Writer (#316): D’oh! Can’t win ‘em all, I suppose. I enjoyed the finale a great deal, and I certainly don’t want to start another debate about it because I doubt anyone’s mind is going to be changed at this stage. Being “corrected” about the interpretation by people who are wrong (I guess they just left the room during the key expository scene) is pretty annoying though. Someday, I’m sure there’ll be a popular show whose finale doesn’t shatter the fanbase.

  365. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 26th, 2010 at 4:10 pm [Reply]


    Phantom: “So anyway, we’re gonna have to make this one quick and dirty. Get those PJ’s off, you hot silver fox, you.”

    JP: “Well, there is a sexually ambiguous Frenchman who’s really into shoes. I got him out of the back of the Euro-Mystery Machine.”

    Ziggy: If you’re the universe’s bitch, do you really want to ask the ice cream man for a surprise? He’s likely as not to give you whatever flavor has the most of his bodily fluids in it.

    DtM: “Well I thought I’d be relaxing with a nice erotic manga, but it looks like I was wrong.”

    MC: I laughed at this, and then started to think. It’s easy to make fun of Norm, but the same trick could work–has worked–on me.

    RMMD: The bratty postadolescent beautician struts off with the evidence while a cop folds his arm and pouts? This must be the introduction to the opposites.

    MW: Mirror, mirror! Jenna preps for a night on the town in much the way that Travis Bickle does. “You talkin’ to me? So who the hell else you talking to>?”

    M-Dawg: “Bu-but… Why is he the one saying grace? And why is he talking backwards?”

  366. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 26th, 2010 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    @Ed Power, Cage Writer (#316): I liked the finale, but with reservations. No problem with the island parts, really. But setting a big portion of the last season in [BELATED SPOILER ALERT] the afterlife brings in some snags. For one thing, it had seemed for a long time that the flash-sideways characters would break through and help win the battle over “Locke”, when it turned out they were completely irrelevant to the plot. Also it’s just a really hard concept not to do in a cheesy way. Although the “Homicide” TV movie did a nice job at the end.

  367. Vince
    June 26th, 2010 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#342): re. Cow & Boy: Oh yeah, I know, but Saturday is Chestbuster Day. Check, please!

  368. Écureuil Écumant
    June 26th, 2010 at 4:35 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Brooke made another mis-key today. In the second panel, he caught the “i” instead of the “u”.

  369. Mr. O'Malley
    June 26th, 2010 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    @Rusty (#302): Heart attack could be plausible. Kind of broadening the range of the strip away from cancer and senility.

    @Lucky (#322): If seeing a VW Beetle drive down the street is an indication of going back in time, I must have done it too. Except my WiFi is still working.

    @Écureuil Écumant (#345): What would be amusing would be if the 1973 towtruck driver thought Funky’s PT was a classic. “Is that a 1947? Wow, it’s in good condition. Those old Chryslers were built a lot better than the ones they make nowadays!”

    @Miss Othmar (#313): Max Linder did the mirror scene first. Check it out on YouTube.

  370. TheDiva
    June 26th, 2010 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

    @This Guy (#364): I liked the finale as well, although I did raise my eyebrow a few times. [*]

  371. dale
    June 26th, 2010 at 6:08 pm [Reply]


    Saturday’s tire tracks aren’t at all the same as Friday’s.

    They aren’t skid marks. If the brakes were locked up, moving the car like that would require an external force, kind of a deus ex the writer’s ass.

    They really aren’t tire tracks, either. Because only the front wheels steer, a turning car leaves more than two parallel lines.

  372. The Poster with No Name
    June 26th, 2010 at 6:12 pm [Reply]

    Skippable snark. Don’t worry; you won’t be missing anything if you do:

    Beetle Bailey: I don’t think that Major Greenbrass is having a spit take in that second panel; I think that he’s choking on that ice cube that has otherwise disappeared between panels one and two.

    On a personal note, I can’t even begin to tell you how relieved I was that I didn’t know the name “Major Greenbrass” off the top of my head. Of course, my relief quickly turned to devastation when I realized that now I do know it off the top of my head and will, in all likelihood, know it forever. Damn useless Beetle Bailey trivia.

    Pluggers: It’s actually a good thing that Pluggers use more and more sunblock over time. What’s problematic is that Pluggers think that one’s sunblock is supposed to have an SPF number that roughly corresponds to one’s age; and time and again, they are baffled that their Plugger toddlers keep getting sunburned despite being protected by sunblock with the appropriate SPF of 5.

    Blondie: What? Did Herb and Dagwood have some sort of furtively arranged appointment such that Herb has wasted the entire morning loitering at the hedge and pretending to rake while eagerly awaiting Dagwood’s arrival? What would he and Dagwood have been secretly planning that Herb would require such a ruse? Oh no, wait a minute — don’t answer that. Especially if the answer also involves Herb’s shouting, “YEOW!!” at some point.

    Close to Home: I think that the editor or layout person or somebody accidentally left off the caption for today’s installment and that the missing caption could have transformed this panel from “utterly horrifying” to “utterly horrifying, but at least I understand what the joke was supposed to be.” Does anyone have any ideas what the missing caption is? Here are my guesses:

    – “Maybe we can arrange that refund after all.”
    – “On the contrary, he’s very obedient — I told him to do that.”
    – “He was behaving so well until you mentioned Michael Vick.”
    – “On the bright side, if your dog were Marmaduke, you would be dead by now.”

  373. dreadedcandiru2
    June 26th, 2010 at 6:22 pm [Reply]

    Sunday Funnies:

    ReFoob: We get yet another pastiche of older, better material; this time around, it’s about Elly’s failed attempts at explaining things to her children. As always, she forgets that children do not see the world the way adults do and drops the ball.

  374. bats :[
    June 26th, 2010 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    Okay — what is the marquee on top of the cab advertising in today’s Jumble? I make out something like “(Unreadable), the Musical”.

  375. Old School Allie Cat
    June 26th, 2010 at 6:39 pm [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean had come unstuck in time…

  376. Mr. O'Malley
    June 26th, 2010 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#374): It’s hard to read, but in the print version it could plausibly be “Milford: The Musical”

  377. dale
    June 26th, 2010 at 7:25 pm [Reply]


  378. Government Cheese
    June 26th, 2010 at 7:42 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Wow Luann has her mom’s bitchy spirit.

  379. JD Rhoades
    June 26th, 2010 at 7:48 pm [Reply]

  380. Push Trot
    June 26th, 2010 at 7:55 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#287): When you say you ‘just wear a hat’ to the beach, can we assume you pretty much go to the beach gunther?

  381. zerowolf
    June 26th, 2010 at 8:09 pm [Reply]

    A3G: If it’s Kitty Carlisle they’re in for a long wait…..

  382. zerowolf
    June 26th, 2010 at 8:24 pm [Reply]

    @Comcis Fan (#301): “he’s gone where no cell-phone signal can go?” Funky is standing in front of my kitchen sink? I can get a signal everywhere in the house, but stand in front of the kitchen sink, nothing!

  383. curlyfries
    June 26th, 2010 at 8:39 pm [Reply]

    @dreadedcandiru2 (#190): Good Christ, there isn’t enough cheese in the world to go with that whine; the fact that this whole incident happened 14 FUCKING YEARS AGO is beyond ridiculous! Slow news day, Brooke? Reliving your past glories over a syndicate run by people with the combined IQ of “drain hair”? (*) Revisiting your meagre triumph of excoriating people for having dirty minds because you were too abysmally slow to see how a woman hidden under a table and a man in a chair could be construed? Taking another frustrated sideways swipe at the fair but unsullied Mrs. McEldowney, because she’s the one who claims that “oral sex” really just means talking about it?

    @dreadedcandiru2 (#219): Bite your tongue. Stephen King doesn’t suffer pomposity, or insufferable pricks gladly. Even if they’re rolling in money and can’t bluff for shit.

  384. Ukulele Ike
    June 26th, 2010 at 8:48 pm [Reply]

    Stephen King and Brooke McEldowney both live in Maine and are both freakishly tall. Coincidence?

    – Uke Ike, who stands a perfectly normal six feet and who wishes he lived in Maine, at least during these Brooklyn summer heat waves, and who would like to cram both King and McEldowney into the backseat of a Volkswagen while he drove them all the way down east to Campobello Island

  385. EctoBiologist
    June 26th, 2010 at 8:56 pm [Reply]

    I just read today’s update, with the complaints about cell phone coverage, and came to the same 6th-sense conclusion. In Funky Winkerbean, it’s much more likely to be dead and roaming the world as a specter than to have a bad coverage area. After all, the strip’s universe is the fifth level of purgatory, right?

  386. Mr O'Malley
    June 26th, 2010 at 9:42 pm [Reply]

    @curlyfries (#383): That same joke was in Shampoo, and that came out in 1975.

  387. Buck Ripsnort
    June 26th, 2010 at 9:59 pm [Reply]

    @Patrick, Interlibrary Loan Lending Division (#355): Remember, this is a Batiuk character; they MIGHT get a hint if it was wrapped in an anvil dropped from a great height, but the odds are against it.
    That Comics Kingdom viewer is pretty darned amazing; now I can rip the Funky band-aid off in one go, instead of dreading my morning paper every day.

  388. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 26th, 2010 at 10:19 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#369): I see the Marx Brothers’ ‘mirror scene’ as a sort of deconstruction of what was a classic trope by their time. In their hands, it starts out like someone’s really trying to fool someone else and morphs into a sort of mutual refusal to see the obvious as long as certain conventions are observed.

  389. Here come ole Flattop
    June 26th, 2010 at 10:44 pm [Reply]

    @Batman Beatles (#344): Pretty cool web name.

  390. DirtyDragon
    June 26th, 2010 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    I can’t wait for Funky Winkerbean to find Doc Brown, and eventually get hit by a 1.21 Gigawatt bolt of lightning.

  391. Amateur
    June 26th, 2010 at 10:54 pm [Reply]

    @Mardou Fox (#306): Mardou Fox for COTW!

  392. Austria
    June 26th, 2010 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#350): Aaah! I wannit!!

    @Ukulele Ike (#384): Pff!! Oh, the plight of the ukulele player. Ahh, you might want to come up with a different way to shorten your name, there. Just saying. *cough*

  393. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 26th, 2010 at 11:16 pm [Reply]

    @Push Trot (#380): I’ve never had a problem doing the Full Monty if that’s what you mean. I’m a longtime resident of the Florida Gulf Coast, and beaches are a way of life around here. As a matter of fact, the beach was practically my second home when I was in my 20s. Unfortunately, none of my girlfriends and neither of my wives ever entertained the thought of visiting a nude beach with me. And there’s an excellent one about 45 minutes from where I live, too!

  394. Little Guy
    June 26th, 2010 at 11:20 pm [Reply]

    @Old School Allie Cat (#375): Zathras approves!

    @Lucky (#322): Agreed with the “Life on Mars” props.

    @Ed Power, Cage Writer (#316): Considering that babylon 5 had a series ender in the can for a year when they thought they were cancelled, I agree that Lindelof and Cuse did not truly understand the meaning of “know how to end the story”. And I’m agreeing that this is probably the first time a mainstream audience had a sustained WTF experience with a SF series (Sopranos ending, not SF and with a shorter WTF, limited to the diner).

  395. Little Guy
    June 26th, 2010 at 11:27 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#360): Absolutely. Will have to say I loved the premise of the first season: scared shitless the first half, cry like no tomorrow the second half, and plenty of JLH cleavage for the boobiage-inclined.

  396. Earthgirl
    June 26th, 2010 at 11:33 pm [Reply]

    MW: Sweet Jesus, honey. You haven’t even met this doctor yet and you’re already considering yourself to be dating him? And planning on telling your mother? Does this strip have an even passing familiarity with dating post-1953?

    And having just gone back and read last week’s strips, I find myself amazed at the doctor’s boldness at signing his email with only his first name. Given the cover letter-like tone of the email, isn’t that a bit forward?

  397. ElkMeadow
    June 27th, 2010 at 12:13 am [Reply]

    So are we going to have a whole week at Mary Worth, watching Dr. Mike Roberts get ready for the big date?

  398. Walker of Dog
    June 27th, 2010 at 12:45 am [Reply]

    S-M: Tough day for MJ:

    First she recognized Peter’s ‘getting beaten up’ voice: “I’d know that ‘oooph’ anywhere!”

    Then she runs to first class, only to find Peter canoodling with Mr. Wilson.

    Finally she has to bluff her way through a quiz on Iron Man, a movie she’s never seen: “What was the name of the character played by Leslie Bibb? Fifteen seconds…”

    And I finally figured out the confusing stage layout between coach and first class – all the seats are facing backwards.

  399. Citric
    June 27th, 2010 at 1:26 am [Reply]

    @Girl Reporter (#362): For me, the experience was soured by the “We are literally landing on Mars” finale, though I suppose they found out it was canned at the last minute.

  400. dreadedcandiru2
    June 27th, 2010 at 1:52 am [Reply]

    @curlyfries (#383): Never underestimate McEldowney’s immaturity; it doesn’t pay. He’s as bad at being grateful to the editors trying to keep him from doing something stupid as Lynn Johnston.

  401. Donkey Hotey
    June 27th, 2010 at 1:54 am [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#368): I’m missing the joke, unless you meant THIRD panel.

  402. Baka Gaijin
    June 27th, 2010 at 3:23 am [Reply]

    Sunday’s Strip:

    Mary Worth, center panel: Please, if there’s a God in heaven above, please make Dr. Mike start the date with an insult and end it with blue balls. “Incline” Jenna to “chew Mary out,” and I don’t mean in an Ellen DeGeneres/Portia de Rossi way.

  403. curlyfries
    June 27th, 2010 at 4:26 am [Reply]

    @dreadedcandiru2 (#400): Terminal petulance aside, this is just such a weird logic-defying chain of insult in itself. The collectively dim syndicate editors didn’t see what he also missed, as they, being idiots, lacked the prurient spirit that also makes Brooke so superior to those vile Sunday school teachers who saw smut that wasn’t there? And then he praises those of his fans who also lacked that regrettable gutter-mindedness for their sterling qualities, although this will make them dull by Scrotumton’s First Citizen’s standards – and thus, by association, puts them in a class with those who have a drain hair IQ. Hope this little stroll down to the corner of Sanctimonious and Prissy was worth it, but really, Trollope got there first with “He Knew He was Right.”

  404. curlyfries
    June 27th, 2010 at 4:52 am [Reply]

    9CWL: You know, I’ve never, ever heard a woman describe breasts, let alone hers, as “charlies”. And that’s just #4,328 on the list of what’s pissing me off about this particular strip. No. 1, of course, is the fact that there are no eugenics laws in existence that would allow Brooke McEldowney’s progenitors to be brought up on criminal charges.

    MW: “CHEW HER OUT”? Jenna’s finger-sniffing delusion finally hits top end. No one “chews out” Mary – ever. Capische?

  405. This Guy
    June 27th, 2010 at 5:10 am [Reply]

    MW: The residents of Charterstone really need someone to show up an give a seminar on how to smile more naturally. May I suggest the Joker?

    @curlyfries (#403): I also notice (with no surprise whatsoever) that Brooke doesn’t allow for comments on his blog. If he did, I would have little choice but to inquire of him whether we should call for the WAAAAAHmbulance. That aside, I really find it unbelievable that he expects anyone to swallow this tripe that he has so lovingly draped across his ugly, red Blogspot page. Is anyone familiar with the work of Brooke “Handfucker” McEldowney going to believe that he’s too pure of thought and spirit to draw anything that implies sexual activity? I’m not a prude, either (so sorry to disappoint you, Brooke)–it’s just that I’m able to look at pictures, discern figure from ground, and read text in English. Brooke’s stream of grudge-fueled bitching really is incredibly disingenuous. I can see him in my mind’s eye (*), tittering madly behind his hand as he hits the “Post” button, before he is finally overcome by the majesty of his own genius and cunnning, and he lapses into violent paroxysms of self-satisfaction on the floor of his studio.

  406. curlyfries
    June 27th, 2010 at 5:32 am [Reply]

    @This Guy (#405): Frankly, I’d be dialing Jack Kevorkian’s number before I’d call whine-one-one for him, but whatever. Anyone who might’ve objected to Brooke’s little cheesefest of 14 years ago has, I’m sure, long since forgotten it and moved on. Only those sufferig from either PTSD or a need to be right would still be reliving it, and that includes – well, nobody but Brooke, really. I totally agree with you that we’re witnesses to yet another long-delayed episode (and I use that purely in an seizure sense) of TWTIBM (*). But then you had to go and use the word “titter,” which indubitably proves that you must also be one of those smutty-minded and charlie-centric McElDetractors.

    You complete me.

  407. Push Trot
    June 27th, 2010 at 6:20 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#393): So I wasn’t half wrong. Around here you can be nude on all public beaches, but I usually only do it when there’s no one else around. I think it’s a generation thing – my father and uncle usually go in their birthday suits.

    A3G: Oh oh oh! I can’t wait for Margo to rip through Kat King. And that girl of hers, too.

    SS: Finally we’ll get an answer to whether the parson follows the Kantean idea of the categorical imperative, or subscribes to Mills’ and Bentham’s principle of utilitarianism.

    MT: Jeez, Mark, do you ever shut up about nature? All Rusty said was he likes to see the birdies fly, and now you’re going to blow a fuse in his head with all that jibber-jabber.

    MW: I read “I hope at the end of this evening I’ll be able to thank Mary” and “chew her out” just a little too close together. I won’t be eating today.

    9CL: What a horrible, horrible way to stroke your own ego. Where’s a meteor when you need one?

    S-M: I’m not surprised Mary Jane is able to recognize the sound of her husband getting the crap beaten out of him.

  408. Amateur
    June 27th, 2010 at 6:59 am [Reply]

    MW: “Ready or not”? Jenna, the guy’s been waiting about 20 years now for you to finish getting dressed. You’ll be lucky if it’s not his withered mummified shell that’s waiting to greet you.

  409. This Guy
    June 27th, 2010 at 7:03 am [Reply]

    @curlyfries (#406): And that was all before I saw the Sunday strip, in which he converts the throwaway panels into a bust-size chart for his main characters. What kind of sick, depraved mind could possibly read anything prurient into that? I guess I really ought to thank ol’ Brookey for proving my point much more effectively than I ever could.

  410. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 27th, 2010 at 7:25 am [Reply]

    Hi & Lois: And under “wifely duties” there’s the money Hi would have to pay a SEX CARE WORKER if Lois ever throws his sorry ass out of the bedroom! (Lois is actually right… for a change)

    Nancy: A bubble gum gag — just like the ones Ernie Bushmiller used to do! (sniff)

  411. Lucky
    June 27th, 2010 at 7:40 am [Reply]

    Snuffy Smith – Boy, Snuffy got out of that prison fast, didn’t he?

    Beetle Bailey – Sarge probably had something different in mind when General Halftrack suggested “foursome” while wearing a pink shirt on Gay Pride Day.

    Marvin – “You think maybe we should’ve gotten out of the bed though?”

    Fred Basset – Nothing that exciting could ever happen in Fred Basset.

  412. wossname
    June 27th, 2010 at 8:12 am [Reply]

    MT – Is there any doubt in anyone’s mind that the speech balloons in panel 1 are coming from the geese? What they meant to say:
    Goose #1: I love seeing humans staring up at the sky (although I’m not so sure that smaller one is human).
    Goose #2: I do too, Gusty. It’s a great experience! Let’s poop on them.

    Now about these arctic terns – this makes no sense. Sure, they have 24 hours of light to fish once they get to the poles, but they spend 20 weeks a year in the air getting back and forth, when they could be fishing in the temperate latitudes. You’re going to have to come up with a better reason than that, Mark.

    MW – Jenna, mistress of the obvious: When you want to get to know someone, it helps if you meet him.

    Sly – Reeky Rat did it! Wait, what?

    A3G – Since my real name is Kate King (no, it does not say wossname on my driver’s license), I’m a teensy bit uncomfortable with Kat King and Kitty King. They’re not me, I tell ya!

  413. Missing Dortmunder
    June 27th, 2010 at 8:14 am [Reply]

    Re: 9CL:

    1) What Mr. McEldowney does not know about women could fill the Oxford English Dictionary (unabridged, all volumes) to bursting. (How do you like that for psuedo-intellectual posturing, Brooke?) Charlies? I don’t think so! And all you ladies out there who walk around congratulating yourselves how great your bodies are, hands up, please. No one? Well, now, there’s a surprise.

    2) He is the king of stilted dialog, of things that no one would ever, ever say in normal conversation. And he uses such BIG WORDS. I’m sure he imagines his reading public sitting on the stoop, pausing only to emit a stream of tobacco juice, and marveling, “Dang, this feller is some fancy talker, Paw. Ain’t he the limit?”

    3) As a former orchestra administrator, I strongly object to his portrayal of classical musicians as pinky-extending wusses. They are normal human beings. Consider that I once had to fight with a trombonist who was intent on taking a Watchman (for you youngsters, kind of like the iPhone and similar, but more primitive) onto the stage so he and his buddies could watch the local basketball team in playoffs. Repeat, they are NORMAL HUMAN BEINGS.

    Thank you all for providing a safe place for the above rant.

  414. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 27th, 2010 at 8:20 am [Reply]

    ALLEY OOP… Except for Mastroianni’s B.C., cavemen strips don’t get the attention they deserve from my fellow ‘mudgeons. With Jack and Carole Bender’s Alley Oop you also get time travel and a current storyline featuring “Goober Pyle” from the Andy Griffith Show!

    And, folks, this is the most important part: Alley Oop is also one of the LAST REMAINING STORY STRIPS still being published in this country! You all seem to love (or love to hate) Mary Worth, Apartment 3-G, Rex Morgan, 9 Chickweed Lane, Judge Parker and Brenda Starr. Hell, even Spider-Man, Dick Tracy and Gasoline Alley receive their share of ‘mudgeonly love!

    Josh, won’t you at least post a comment or two on Alley Oop? I’d really like to get the ball rolling on some long overdue attention for this strip!

  415. gleeb
    June 27th, 2010 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    Val & Aleta: Like the fella said, with all dead, all you can do is go through his clothes and look for loose change.

    A&J: “Tweeting Eric Sevareid” would be a pretty good band name. Otherwise, this strip is just “Get off my lawn, young hoodlums!

    Barney & Clyde: It’s way too early to start pulling this Arlo & Janis shit. Especially if you’re not as good at it.

    Slylock: What’s wrong? It’s dead; this is a case of murder! Round up all the usual raccoons.

    ‘bean: Where does the hair end and the gray, necrotic flesh of his neck begin?

    ‘shaft: Like most thieves, Ed doesn’t care what kind of dangers he creates for others.

    Dick: Someone stole Tracy’s kill. He won’t be happy.

  416. Baka Gaijin
    June 27th, 2010 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    @wossname (#412) on Mark Trail: I usually don’t read the Sunday strips but your snark forced me to. Those are some chatty birds! And in perfect English no less.

  417. wossname
    June 27th, 2010 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#414): OK, Alley Oop has potential – I’ll try to remember to add it to my lineup. I particularly like the dinosaurs frolicking (at least, I guess that’s what they’re doing) in the last panel.

  418. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 27th, 2010 at 8:38 am [Reply]

  419. tb4000
    June 27th, 2010 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    Grandmaster Funk: “No time like the present?”

    Batiuk, you are as subtle as a hangover. And 10 times as painful.

  420. Peanut Gallery
    June 27th, 2010 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    Family Circus – At first, I was sure this was a redrawn version of a recent daily strip. But it turns out it’s merely an instance of rapid recycling of ideas from the dailies (i.e. January 25, 2010 and January 25, 2008). I think they should at least base the new Sunday strips on old Sunday ones, so it’s more than just a giant-sized one-panel cartoon.

  421. Peanut Gallery
    June 27th, 2010 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    Stinky Dumpsterbean – Wow. Today’s title panel really does look like “Funky Winkerbean in Hell”.

  422. Patrick, Interlibrary Loan Lending Divison
    June 27th, 2010 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#360):

    Actually, no. It was the moment her husband is “killed” only to have his spirit take over another guy’s body who now has some sort of “amnesia”. She sees him as her dead husband, everyone else sees the other guy. Drawing the idea of the “walk-in” from the annals of the paranormal was a gutsy move, but it doesn’t work. Though friends of mine think the shark jumping happened much earlier when her original assistant was killed and her soul carried off by the black hat guy.

  423. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 27th, 2010 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    FUNKY McFLY: I see it all now… TomBat’s doing a tribute to the movie Back to the Future with Funky’s PT Cruiser filling in for Doc’s DeLorean DMC-12! It’s been 25 years since the original BTTF was released, so methinks someone is trying to slip a McFly into Mr. Winkerbean’s ointment!

    Incidentally, the 6-27 Parade magazine features a cartoon by Dan Piraro (Bizarro) that reminds me of the OTHER driver in FW — the woman who’s actually responsible for Funky’s current dilemma. A bumper sticker on a car reads: “I’m not on my cell, I just drive like it…”

  424. bayoustu
    June 27th, 2010 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    Does anyone else foresee a vaguely “It’s A Wonderful Life”-ish/Tom Sawyer attends his own funeral type story coming up in Funky Winkerbean? Funky (no doubt dreaming as he lies horribly mangled in the wreck of his PT Cruiser) will witness the reaction of the inhabitants of the Funvkyverse as they hear of his “death”… naturally, the universal response will be one of unrestrained glee, but they’ll all die of cancer anyway.

  425. zerowolf
    June 27th, 2010 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    FC: Mommy, PJ’s levitating again. Can I beat the shit out of him for beng a witch?

  426. zerowolf
    June 27th, 2010 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Anyone got a match?

  427. Doug Puthoff
    June 27th, 2010 at 10:20 am [Reply]


    FW–I’d be careful if I were Funky. I get the feeling he is about to step into a Mitch Albom book.

  428. Baka Gaijin
    June 27th, 2010 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    Rose is Rose: When he gets to first grade, Pasquale is going to have his own “wallet inspector.” [*]

  429. TheDiva
    June 27th, 2010 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    C’shaft: Crankshaft Is A Dick, Part 6,365,130.

    FW: Funky’s anxious, uncomfortable look in the title says it all, really.

    MW: If things don’t pan out with Mike, Jenna can always try that nice pipe-smoking detective who lives in the other half of her duplex.

  430. Amateur
    June 27th, 2010 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    9CL: . . .

    There are no words.

    Oh wait, yes there are: WHAT IN BLAZES WAS THAT!?

  431. Rusty
    June 27th, 2010 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    9CL: Others here are correct in remarking that no one, anywhere, refers to their breasts as “charlies”. And as drawn by Brooke, none of the characters have spectacular racks. It is surprising to me that his only child is female yet he is always awkwardly pushing his female characters as empowered, as imagined by an aging geek. Unless the women in his life really do speak and act this way. His daughter’s blog suggests as much.

  432. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 27th, 2010 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    is this Brooke, blowing his own horn?

    more raccoons up trees.

  433. ElkMeadow
    June 27th, 2010 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    Looks like Queen Aleta is not only describing the fallen Horridus, but is giving words to what we as a community feel about Brooke: His lack of honor and colossal ego undid him. He knew only contempt

  434. ElkMeadow
    June 27th, 2010 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    Looks like Queen Aleta is not only describing the fallen Horridus but is giving words to what we as a community feel about Brooke: His lack of honor and colossal ego undid him. He knew (Brooke knows) only contempt–especially for women.

  435. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 27th, 2010 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Jenna slips some “mad money” into her right shoe just in case. A girl can’t be too careful, you know!

    Rex Morgan: June, you better rush some Chinese food over to your house chop chop! I find the hungry looks Sarah and Toots are giving each other unsettling!

  436. ElkMeadow
    June 27th, 2010 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    Re. 433, sorry for posting before completing my comment–it was an accident.

  437. Ukulele Ike
    June 27th, 2010 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    Alley Oop: Ooooh, I love Alley Oop! Got both the Fantagraphics collections of late ’40s strips with the Dr. Wonmug/time machine continuities. Oscar Boom rules. And….I had no damn idea the strip was still being published.

    9CL: Hey this is the famous 1996 “blow job strip” we’re discussing, correct?

  438. Mibbitmaker
    June 27th, 2010 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    9CL, panel 6: She thanking her mom or Brooke McE there? — you know, the person who wrote that.

    S-M: More like “No point whatsoever landing”.

    A3G: Kat King/Mama Kat, Kitty Kat… Aww, now isn’t that –HAIRBALL!!
    (so that’s how Margo does that!)

    “Edison Lee” Does FOOB (Ellie, that is)

    DtM: Dennis the Menace IS imaginary.

    JP: Well, it’s a good thing you happen to be at a diner, Ned!

    RMMD: Rex: “Crimebusting? Wha– How –?! (pause) Yep! Why question it? Makes perfect sense, really….”

    MW: EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! ~~ Subject is internally expressing tiny hints of doubt! Mobilize Mary immediately! ~~ EMERGENCY!…

    “Or just read the comics?”
    “There’s despair, depression, hackery, shrinkage, contrived puns, contrived stories, pointlessness, arrogance, past-their-prime strips, childish art, childish behavior, repetition, repetition….”

  439. Mibbitmaker
    June 27th, 2010 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#438): Aw, shit!! Corrected the DtM comment, making it worse!

    DtM: Dennis the Menace IS imaginary!

    RMMD needed no bolding, so just imagine that comment as is, but… skinnier.

    MW: Non-bolded “MW”, otherwise exactly as is in #438.

  440. ElkMeadow
    June 27th, 2010 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    In honor of the most excellent story arc of last week’s Doonesbury, I suggest we follow Zonker’s example and make pirate hats from our newspapers!

  441. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 27th, 2010 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    Cranky/Monty: Crankshaft and Moondog both steal gas with two totally different outcomes. Ed’s behavior is typically mean and underhanded (and without consequences), but Moondog’s comeuppance handed me my first laugh of the day!

  442. John C GreaterOmahaMetroArea
    June 27th, 2010 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    A3G – You know, earlier in this story things were starting to make sense, but now – I just don’t know…

    MT – Ducks and geese and terns better scurry
    Those arctic globe-trottin’ champs are in a hurry
    Something ’bout global warming, cafeterias and frequent flyer miles gettin’ blurry
    Mit der fringe on top!

    MW – If only she were dating Mister Mike…

    (While searching the World Wide Web to see if Mr. O’Donaghue used “Mister” or “Mr.,” link number five was for “Mr. Mike’s Leather Unholstery for PT Criuser,” which amused me to no end. Oops. It just ended. [quoting Brak] [Minky Boodle!] Of course, link number six was for Dennis Perrin’s biography of the man, which just happens to be the greatest book ever written! Well, the greatest book ever written that does not contain the word “Poo-tee-weet.”)

    MW – So Jenna Thomas lives at 221 Something Street. Let me write that down in my rolodex.

    RMMD – In the second panel, Bea actually looks a bit like Mayberry’s own Aunt Bea. Yet, in none of the panels does she look at all like Bea Benaderet. Makes you think, doesn’t it?

    9CL – Charlies? Crap. Must be a Maine thing…

    DT – Crimestoppers Textbook = Best Laugh of the Day.

    PV – Quoting a guy named Joel, “He died as he lived, with his mouth wide open.”

    Monty – Dr. Mike? Hey, how’s that Jenna chick?

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#414): Ah, yes, Alley Opp. Originally drawn by Perry, Iowa’s own V.T. “Snick” Hamlin. I only know this because the Perry Daily Chief used to remind me of this every single day of my life! Except for Sundays. Not really “daily” after all. Suck it, Perry! And your little dog, too!

    (I suppose I’m being a bit harsh toward the Perry Chief. After all, it referred to its weekly high school paper, The Telital, as “The Chief’s Papoose,” so… Nah. Suck it, Perry!)

  443. Rana
    June 27th, 2010 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    @Missing Dortmunder (#413): My theory on the big words thing is that McEldowney is the verbal equivalent of the new rich. That is, unlike the old rich who comfortably inhabit their wealth, and don’t care about who they impress, the new rich are the ones who wear tons of gawdawful tacky bling and carry purse dogs and yatter in the most boring fashion about their latest expensive purchase. It’s that nasty combination of self-infatuation, inexperience, and insecurity.

    So when I see McEldowney trotting out his word bling, and chuckling about his cleverness, I think of that. It would also explain his fascination with artistés (oh, never just plain artists) and academics.

    In reality, most dancers are also waiters, most musicians will happily crack open a Bud, and a great many academics are posting on blogs like this one. It’s the wanna-bes who wiffle on about the greatness of human endeavor and the sublimity of human knowledge – in grad school, unless you are at Princeton or an emeritus professor, you get that knocked out of you rather quickly, on account of it being pretentious prattiness that no one wants to listen to.

    When everyone’s a PhD, listening to one of your colleagues twit natter on about how ennobling it is, and how much it is a sign of being a Most Special Being, can the most irritating thing in the world. It’s the classic sign of an insecure newbie, and such a person will be pitied, if not mocked behind his (usually his) or her back. The rest of us would rather be kicking back a drink and making fun of America’s Next Top Model.

  444. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 27th, 2010 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    MT: I am reminded of the seabird rookery that was downwind from the State Police evidence incinerator, and the efforts in the War on Drugs that left no tern unstoned. . . . .

  445. Citric
    June 27th, 2010 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    If we could just harness the power of extreme sexual frustration, we could run the world on Brooke McEldowney.

  446. John C GreaterOmahaMetroArea
    June 27th, 2010 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    Holy crap! Criminal Minds is on in the next room. I just heard the voice of Mandy Patinkin (who came and he gave without taking) say “Nietzsche once said…” and all I could think of was Mary Worth.

    And this just in – I have just experienced something called Cranberry Mustard. This stuff is going to revolutionize the sandwich industry! Someone get Wilber Weston on the phone! He’s gonna want a piece of this nummy action! It’s the Miracle Whip of the twenty-first century, I tells ya!

    And remember, in the twenty-first century, the hyphen is optional!

  447. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 27th, 2010 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    Dick Tracy’s CRIMESTOPPERS TEXTBOOK: I recognize DICK LOCHER and JIM BROZMAN, but who’s the guy on the far left?

  448. Calico
    June 27th, 2010 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    Zits – well, this certainly gives new meaning to “Pulling money out of your ass.”

  449. Rusty
    June 27th, 2010 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    @Rana (#443): Very nice. Friends of ours work into every conversation that the husband got his phd at Michigan and “is an academic.” Oooo, fancy.

  450. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 27th, 2010 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    Apartment 3-G: Kat and Kitty King — too much pussy! (“pussy” in the Mrs. Slocombe sense of the word, of course!)

  451. Rana
    June 27th, 2010 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    @Rusty (#449): It’s people like that who make it hard for people with doctorates to find employment outside of academia. “You have a PhD? Oh, you’re going to be an insufferable pompous ass who can’t play well with others. Sorry! No job for you!”

    Yeah, I’m a bit bitter. ;)

  452. MsFeasance
    June 27th, 2010 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

    9CL: What’s truly awful is that between the self-congratulating posturing on Sundays and the Nazi storyline, poor Sister Diane has been pregnant with the first of a race of sapient cockroaches for 13 months and 4 days.

    And when this is over, we have more of Monty to look forward to dread.

  453. Mars
    June 27th, 2010 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    BOOOOO to today’s Grimm — Mike Peters officially has no shame, blatantly stealing from a Calvin and Hobbes strip word-for-word.

  454. carbunicle
    June 27th, 2010 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#434): Oh, snap!

  455. Austria
    June 27th, 2010 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    I will comment later when the time comes. All I’d like to say for right now is

    FW: “No time like the present.”

    I see what you did there

  456. dreadedcandiru2
    June 27th, 2010 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    @Rusty (#431): Where it gets really sickening is that Edda is supposed to be based on his daughter; since Amos is him……

    I don’t need to finish that sentence, do I?

  457. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 27th, 2010 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    Dick – Junior! YOU?!

    9 – I object. We’re throwing the whole rhythm off here. It’s supposed to be
    “Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, meow;
    Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, meow.”

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#414): It’s not part of my Chronicle choices, but I’ll ready any ones you link to. I read it all through the 60s and into the 70s in my home paper, and I believe it’s one of the ones I read on microfilm on trips to the library.

  458. carbunicle
    June 27th, 2010 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    9CL. I looked. I knew better, but I looked anyway and God damn it that is some lame …. breathe, breathe. Anyway. Apparently none of these characters’ high-falutin’ book-larnin’ included genetics because she has her Dad to thank for the melons, too. The lady parts code is in the boys too, numbnuts. Or maybe Brooke has forgotten more genetics than a brigade of Mudges can ever hope to learn and is trying to prepare the world for his vision of parthogenetically perfected bitchbots.

  459. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 27th, 2010 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#457): I just submitted a request to DEAN BOOTH to add Alley Oop (and Nancy) to the list of strips he currently runs.

  460. Baka Gaijin
    June 27th, 2010 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    @John C GreaterOmahaMetroArea (#442) on Alley Oop’s creator: How does one attain a nickname of “Snick?” I’d guess he has indestructible retractable metal claws.

    Come on, everyone! Another 500 post weekend! WE CAN DO IT!!!

  461. carbunicle
    June 27th, 2010 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    @dreadedcandiru2 (#456): “Frau Blücher: YES. YES. Say it. He vas my… BOYFRIEND. “

  462. seismic-2
    June 27th, 2010 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    FC: It makes sense that Jeffy wants to play with PJ, since Bill and Thel put those over-sized boxing gloves on him to keep him from playing with himself.

  463. carbunicle
    June 27th, 2010 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    @MsFeasance (#452): You say that like it’s a bad thing. Do we really want to see a baby get the Brooke treatment? Is there a comics version of Child Protective Services that we can call?

  464. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 27th, 2010 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    In Brooke McEldowney’s defense he grew up in FLORIDA during the same years I did. To quote Bob Willis from Thunder in Dixie: “Ohhh, that’s gonna leave a mark!”

    (Why are you all looking at me like that?)

  465. commodorejohn
    June 27th, 2010 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

    @Rana (#443): Ooh. That was beautiful. My notional and very non-ostentatious hat is off to you.

    A3G – So, uh, this is what groovy hep cats look like in Alt-1963, huh? They make Lawrence Welk look like Timothy Leary.

    BR – Brewster Rockit is reliably funny to begin with, but these science lectures are invariably hilarious.

    Crankshaft – Ha ha! It’s funny because Ed Crankshaft, in addition to being an unlikeable bastard, is also a thief!

    Crock – Crock, never make me think about sex in Crock again. Ever.

    DT – So he falls towards the source of the bullet? What is this, Gil Thorp?

    FC – Jeff Keane seems to have discovered just how funny implied physical abuse of the Circus kids is. Let’s hope he discovers how funny depicted physical abuse is next.

    FW – “I guess I was pretty lucky?” Jesus, Funky, you ought to know better than to tempt fate in a sadistic hell-hole like the Winkerverse.

    JP – So on the ladder of Judge Parker desireability, “blonde Donny Osmond” is higher than both “neurotic but good-looking European guy” and “expatriate Canadian super-butler?” I call bullshit.

    MT – Yeah, geese are “a great experience” – until you have to live around the squawky, crapping bastards.

    MW – Ooh, did Jenna just acknowledge the potential for rebellion against the Will Of Mary? She’s going to have to be subjugated extra good.

    MC – Love the expressions today.

    Phantom – Barack Obama is secretly the “security boss” for Not-Ponzi here? When did The Phantom start being written by conspiracy theorists?

    PV – So not only does the guy get killed by his own captive, she delivers a scathing post-mortem dissection of his failings. You just do not mess with Aleta.

    RMMD – “Mugged him back.” My God I love this strip.

    Shoe – The throwaway panels also serve as a concise description of the Brookins creative process.

    SM – Spider-Man, Spider-Man, is regularly out-heroed by his un-superpowered wife like a spider can…

  466. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 27th, 2010 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#460): I thought it was because he liked Snickers bars, but maybe V.T. Hamlin was also a mutant with miraculous healing abilities!

  467. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 27th, 2010 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    CdS: bless her heart, Alice is practicing to be a Float Rider. Hope your snark is sharp, kiddo, it’s a tough ride to get on.

    HotC: “Kill the WABBIT!”

  468. Phred22
    June 27th, 2010 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    Slylock: Vampires have been around longer than we knew.

  469. Baka Gaijin
    June 27th, 2010 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#465) on Mark Trail: Amen brother! Especially the crapping. Slippery, smelly, all over the place, web-footed narcissists. It’s funny that they think they can scare off a human, hissing with their mouths wide open, tongues in a perfect position to be plucked out by a pair of extra-long pliers.

    If only it were that easy with clowns. No one makes 10-foot-handled dykes. I’ve checked. One has to be prepared for a clown invasion. Who knows, they could be like cicadas and appear every 17 years? How long has it been since anyone’s seen Shields and Yarnell?

    Come on, only 30 more posts to 500. We can do it!

  470. mr 12 oz can
    June 27th, 2010 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#299): i guess mark wants to make sure cherry gets back from the hairdresser .that better be the reason hes waiting a day .

  471. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 27th, 2010 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    Whatever creative team came up with the Toshiba “best friends” commercial with the dog and the monkey deserves a raise. Or at least a Cleo nomination. That is a very well done ad.

  472. Baka Gaijin
    June 27th, 2010 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    I forgot to add. Did anyone else, at first glance, see the title to this post as, “I see dead jokes?” Could be dyslexia, could be a tumor, could be lupus.

  473. Push Trot
    June 27th, 2010 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#472): It’s never lupus!

  474. Baka Gaijin
    June 27th, 2010 at 4:31 pm [Reply]

    @Push Trot (#473): Then I’m going to bed. If it were lupus, I’d have reason to stay up.

  475. John C GreaterOmahaMetroArea
    June 27th, 2010 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    While visiting scenic Perry, Iowa, guests can stay at the fabulous Hotel Pattee. Ask for the VT Snick Hamlin Room.

    Seriously, when this hotel was renovated some years ago, much was made of the restaurant and its Swedish chef. “Bork! Bork!” jokes were required by law at the time.

    Both of my parents were from the Perry area, I grew up within smelling distance of its lovely “pork plant,” but in all those years no one was ever able to answer the question – Why Snick?

    Wait, did you say “lupus” or “lupins?”

  476. seismic-2
    June 27th, 2010 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    @Push Trot (#473): Well, sometimes it’s Lupus. But more often it’s Landau or Graves.

  477. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 27th, 2010 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    @carbunicle (#458): Hey, those aren’t melons on Barbie Doll — they’re kumquats. And isn’t it a shame that none of the three were genetically programmed to have chins? (Or did ANDY GUMP sleep with Gram’s mother? Hmmm…)

  478. Mibbitmaker
    June 27th, 2010 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    A worst case scenario for FW: Batty does, indeed, reboot FW Lynn-style. This time, he mostly just replaces the old Chuck Jonesian sidelong glances to the reader with modern-Batiuk insufferable smirks, thus ruining all the great old strips from the 1st 20 years. Oh, and puts all the absurdist situations in the most depressing circumstances possible.

    Considering the fact that the ’70s & ’80s Les is like a teenaged Charlie Brown, that would be work, but there’s no telling how low Batty’d go these days.

  479. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 27th, 2010 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    @John C GreaterOmahaMetroArea (#475): That’s amazing, but aren’t they afraid someone might steal the furnishings?

  480. Mibbitmaker
    June 27th, 2010 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

  481. Rusty
    June 27th, 2010 at 5:05 pm [Reply]

    @dreadedcandiru2 (#456): Yes, he definitely has Amos as his stand-in, but draws the professor’s (2nd husband, boyfriend, whatever) to resemble himself. I am betting that his real-life wife is/was a biology professor, and claimed to be the scourge of the old boys network. Because she is empowered, you see. By wearing leopard print underwear.

  482. KarMann
    June 27th, 2010 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    6/27 Crankshaft: Can we please combine this gas-stealing scenario with Cranky’s urge to smoke while pumping gas? [*] Pretty please?

    @commodorejohn (#465) on Shoe: Well, just great. Thanks for finally making me aware that the same guy who does Pluggers also works on Shoe. Thanks a lot!

    @Baka Gaijin (#469): Yes we can!

  483. Anonymous
    June 27th, 2010 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    FW: I don’t follow FW in the paper or online (except here and at Dean’s Comic Booth). Josh hasn’t updated on FW since this post, but if the original of Dean’s parody of the next FW after this one is any indication, it sort of looks like the “Sixth Sense”-ish suppositions about Funky actually being dead and not knowing it may be coming true. I’ll refrain from any premature celebration, but the temptation to dance about the house and sing “Ding Dong the Funk is dead!” is almost overwhelming.

  484. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 27th, 2010 at 5:11 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#478): What would you call a rebooted Funky Winkerbean? Would you call it “reFUNK” (in honor of reFOOB) or something like “Refried ‘bean”?

  485. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 27th, 2010 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#484): one vote for “Refried ‘bean”

    both create a sense of internal distress, occasional loud eruptions and an unbearable stench.

  486. bats :[
    June 27th, 2010 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    I was going to mash up 9CW, but after about 10 minutes of cutting-and-pasting, I got bored. Pretend all the speech balloons are coming from the ladies’ charlies. That’s it.
    To think mashing a MT and a passel of geese would be more exciting…

  487. bats :[
    June 27th, 2010 at 5:30 pm [Reply]

    But in case you missed the “lost” final episode of this week’s Luann, here it is.

  488. seismic-2
    June 27th, 2010 at 5:32 pm [Reply]

    Let’s hope that on this go-round through the Funky timeline, it’s Les who dies of cancer. (Yeah, I know – no Les, no Moore.)

  489. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 27th, 2010 at 5:32 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#469): I’ll swap you one Muscovy Duck for two geese any day of the week! (And MDs are considered non-kosher in case anyone’s wondering)

  490. Mibbitmaker
    June 27th, 2010 at 5:32 pm [Reply]

    Well, there could be “DeFUNKed”. Batty could come up with “Funky Flashbacks”, which may be mundane and copying the Doonesbury rerun title, but a natural, given next Friday’s strip.

    “Funky Winkerbetterthanithasbeeninmanyyears”, of course, may be too long.

  491. Red Greenback
    June 27th, 2010 at 5:36 pm [Reply]

    Looks like Leroy up there took the concept of “beehive hairdo” literally. Onward to the big Five-oh-oh!

  492. Uncle Lumpy
    June 27th, 2010 at 5:39 pm [Reply]

    @DairyStateDad (#318):

    … end w/ Funky recovering from a short blackout, sadder, wiser, more honest and more humble, ready finally to make amends (in true AA fashion) w/ all the people he’s abused or ignored or otherwise dissed in recent years?

    … and the strip goes back to being sunny-dispositioned joke-a-day about high schoolers? Two redemptions in one!

  493. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 27th, 2010 at 5:42 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#489): does a kosher duck go “OYVLAKH!” in the commercials?


  494. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 27th, 2010 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#488): Funny how “less-more” was part of the punchline in today’s Luann. (not “ha ha” funny, but Greg Evans funny!)

  495. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 27th, 2010 at 5:48 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#490): I’m open to just about anything — except Classic Funky Winkerbean!

  496. John C GreaterOmahaMetroArea
    June 27th, 2010 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

    FW – Hey, did anybody ever see Strange Frequency? Particularly the “Disco Inferno” segment where Hyde from “That Seventies Show” and his friend that looked like Anthony Kiedis were in a crash and ended up at a disco? I so want Funky to end up in a leisure suit. What’s wrong with me?

    Are we there yet?

  497. KarMann
    June 27th, 2010 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#488): Here’s the picture, for those who might have missed it the first time.

  498. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 27th, 2010 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

    Where’s Fable? The Sunday Ripley’s Believe It or Not! has a bit about GOATS’ EYES!

  499. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 27th, 2010 at 6:05 pm [Reply]

    @John C GreaterOmahaMetroArea (#496): you have a bad case of destination fever.

  500. KarMann
    June 27th, 2010 at 6:09 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#499): I don’t know what he’s talking about. Are we where yet?

  501. Mibbitmaker
    June 27th, 2010 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

  502. Écureuil Écumant
    June 27th, 2010 at 6:17 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#498):

    Couldn’t find anything later than the 23rd. But then my eye fell on this.

  503. Keef
    June 27th, 2010 at 6:17 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#484): re: What would you call a rebooted Winkerbean — I think “Precancer” would be apt.

  504. Rana
    June 27th, 2010 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#484): @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#485):

    I am *laughing* at the idea of Refried ‘bean!

  505. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 27th, 2010 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    @KarMann (#500): not sure, but I know how to get there.



  506. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 27th, 2010 at 6:43 pm [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#502): Try the link below (and check out the 5-legged rat, too!):

  507. bats :[
    June 27th, 2010 at 6:48 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#506): I’m trying to figure out if Curt Degerman was a resident of Charterstone but was castigated and shunned for not eating Mary’s salmon squares at a pool party, of if he was a next-Dumpster neighbor of J. Elhew Bisbee…

  508. Rimpy
    June 27th, 2010 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#483): @Anonymous (#483):
    Ah, nuts. I didn’t mean to post this one as “Anonymous”! Here it is again under my “real” name:

    FW: I don’t follow FW in the paper or online (except here and at Dean’s Comic Booth). Josh hasn’t updated on FW since this post, but if the original of Dean’s parody of the next FW after this one is any indication, it sort of looks like the “Sixth Sense”-ish suppositions about Funky actually being dead and not knowing it may be coming true. I’ll refrain from any premature celebration, but the temptation to dance about the house and sing “Ding Dong the Funk is dead!” is almost overwhelming.

  509. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 27th, 2010 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

  510. Miss Othmar
    June 27th, 2010 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#505):

    Hey, I remember that line of the song! “…and die!” Sounds like Funky to me.

  511. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 27th, 2010 at 7:14 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#507): He sounds like one of Bud’s buddies. An article on the internet says he was known as Burk-Curt or “Tin Can Curt”!

  512. Hairhead
    June 27th, 2010 at 7:21 pm [Reply]

    Luann – from the last week, we learn that Luann is bitch; but on Sunday we have confirmation yet again that Bernice is frontstabbing cunt who Luann ought punch right in the tit.

    Honestly, the more I read Luann, the more I am concerned about Greg Evans — not only his high school life, but his present life. I mean, if art reflects your life, Greg Evans is one unrinsed toothbrush away from a mass killing.

  513. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 27th, 2010 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#509): Got it! Thanks, man.

  514. John C GreaterOmahaMetroArea
    June 27th, 2010 at 7:25 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#499): No, I have a case of Dance Fever. I’m the Deney Terrio of freakin’ Nebraska, man! No. No, it’s Cat Scratch Fever, which makes sense since “The Nuge” owns huntin’ property in Nebraska.

    Or is it the Rockin’ Pnuemonia and/or the Boogie Woogie Flu?

    Hey, we’re there yet!

  515. Bizarro Stormy
    June 27th, 2010 at 7:39 pm [Reply]

    Also, something I completely failed to note: do Ls always look that weird in the Funkyverse?

  516. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 27th, 2010 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

    @John C GreaterOmahaMetroArea (#514): the Shootin’ Nuge used to live in Michigan, we know him well. As a college student, I saw one of his concerts in a hockey rink in Marquette. My ears rang for two days afterwards. (Little Miss Dangerous tour, by which I date myself.)

  517. Austria
    June 27th, 2010 at 8:31 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#505): ~Oh, don’t let the cave-in get you down~

  518. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 27th, 2010 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    @Miss Othmar (#510): :-D

    well played!

  519. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 27th, 2010 at 8:41 pm [Reply]

    @Austria (#517): ROFL! (((Austria))

  520. seismic-2
    June 27th, 2010 at 8:50 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: I could more nearly believe that they are waiting for June to bring the Chinese food in the last panel if Toots didn’t look so much like Ronald McDonald in it.

  521. lizaroni
    June 27th, 2010 at 9:56 pm [Reply]

    @Mardou Fox (#172):

    I’m also from Detrioit(ish) –

    It’s the last “We’re not Detroit!” that makes it a thing of art.

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    June 28th, 2010 at 12:21 am [Reply]

    “Mom, do you remember the first time you saw a guy au naturale?”
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  523. Andrusi
    June 28th, 2010 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    Nobody mentioned the possibility that Leroy invited the couple over so he could attempt to trick them into walking in on Loretta while she’s changing, shattering their minds forever? Man, I can’t leave you guys alone for a second.

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    June 28th, 2010 at 7:16 pm [Reply]

    Funky ain’t dead until Mr. Phantom of the Opera death escort comes along on a bicycle built for two and gives Funky a ride.

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