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Death comes for the drunkard

Mary Worth, 8/31/10

Wow, just when you think it would be physically impossible for the current Mary Worth storyline to be packed with more twists and turns — BAM! Dr. Mike’s father expires mere hours after their reconciliation! My guess is that Lonnie, feeling his liver dying inside him, orchestrated the whole sequence so that his beloved but obviously impoverished longtime companion Fred wouldn’t be stuck with the funeral costs. Now Dr. Mike’s fancy head-shrinker salary will pay for Lonnie’s spiffy coffin, and pay to clean the gin sweats out of his sheets besides.

The really sad part is that the last thing Lonnie ever saw was that hideous drop ceiling. Seriously, who puts one of those in the guest bedroom?

Family Circus, 8/31/10

It seemed strange to me that Jeffy would prefer the taste of saltwater to fresh water from a hose, but then I realized that the contents of that pool are probably about 30 percent urine by volume.

357 responses to “Death comes for the drunkard”

  1. Rocky Stoneaxe
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    (Ahem) I happen to have a drop ceiling in MY guest bedroom, Josh!

  2. zenvelo
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    MW: I guess those pills from the Hemlock Society worked!

  3. helium
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    This plot will now become a cheesy sitcom in which Mike’s father’s ghost wanders around the house drinking and giving him bad relationship advice.

  4. Baka Gaijin
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#Y100): Daaaa-dye! Baby Puke-ems? Ugh. I always cheered when Daddy spanked Snooks. That kid is freaking annoying!

  5. TheTJ
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    I think I see the Keane parents’ plan here. They fill the pool with water every day, but each day they inch it closer to the wild expanse that is the backyard. With luck the children might someday become lost on the way back. Dolly seems to have caught on, but poor Jeffy will go on drinking his “water” until it’s far too late. At night, the wolves will come.

  6. Les of the Jungle Patrol
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    Am I alone in thinking Dr Mikey is a crap doctor? “Hm, low blood pressure, can barely walk, shaking, sweating? No need to send him to the hospital, I’ll stick him the guest bed!” Maybe he knows his dad has a fortune squirrelled away and he stands to inherit? This calls for an investigation, for sure. Although, I suspect Mary Worth is on the hospital ethics committee. Not because she has any ethics, but because she was curious what they might be like.

  7. Pozzo
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    5 to 1 Jeffy’s not wearing a bathing suit.

  8. Larry Fine
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    S-M — Hey Spidey, what do you mean, you would have BEEN?

  9. Les of the Jungle Patrol
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    Given that the hose can’t even reach the pool, 30% urine is a rather low estimate.

  10. Greenman Lefey
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    Phantom: What sort of totalitarian police state doesn’t have standing orders to shoot through a human shield? Not any sort of totalitarian police start I’d care to infiltrate, that’s for sure. C’mon, totalitarian police state! This guy’s been pwning you for 400 years! It’s time to step up the game!

    S-M: Ah, the Puppet Master’s totem lost its power at the last second, thus sparing Peter’s life. Whew! I was worried or a second there that Spidey might have actually done something effectual to save himself, and I hate it when characters deviate from canon like that.

  11. Thomas B.
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    I knew you’d do this and thereby throw my wonderful snark from the previous metapost to the four winds.

  12. liz
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

    Are we sure he’s dead? Or has he just had a massive evacuation of his bowels causing Dr. Mike to cover his nose and mouth while gagging?

  13. Krazy Kat
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    I never thought I’d say it, but I agree with Jeffy. If I had to choose between undrinkable, salty seawater and Keane Kid Soup, I’d opt for the salt water, ten times out of ten.

  14. Thomas B.
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    Not that I think you would borrow snark from anyone–well anyone other than Bats:[ he is hillarious– but we each seem to focus on the same elements such as the drop ceiling, the ruined sheets, and what will become of poor Fred. Hmmmm, very interesting Josh.

  15. Push Trot
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:31 pm [Reply]

    I’m copying this from the last thread – for the benefit of those who haven’t got their minds blown yet!

    @@bats :[ (#y98):
    Poteet (#93): but, in a chilling twist, it will be revealed that “cousin” Richie never died. Richie and Lonnie, in an era in which they would’ve been persecuted (and still likely in Santa Royale), resolved their affection for one another by concocting this story. Richie changed his name to “Fred,” and Lonnie spent years “looking” for Richie’s killer, all the while spending most of his free time in his and Fred’s love shack. Hey, it wasn’t much, but it wasn’t like the Chez Lonnie, with Mrs. Lonnie and Pre-Med Mikey, was much better.
    Mary Worth is perturbed.

    @Aviatrix (#y101): @bats :[ (#98) & Poteet, you are brilliant. No wonder the car came out of nowhere and behaved so erratically. It was driven by Richie, the real killer, while the real victim, whom Lonnie falsely identified as his friend, was ... [next player!]

    @Push Trot (#y103): @Aviatrix (#101): … Kurt’s dad, Martin Clark! Oh c’mon, you don’t actually buy the story about a plane crash off the Florida Keys, do you? They never found the body. It was clearly a coverup by the Clark dynasty to hide the fact that Martin was shot down in the arms of his same-sex lover downtown [shudder]. That’s why the killers were never found – the family wanted it all hushed up. It all fits together, man!”

  16. Dennis Jimenez
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:31 pm [Reply]

    The only hot tub a plugger has, is filled with urine…and kids (well, usually some kids, along with the urine).

  17. Yanni
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

    Now we get to watch as Mike, traumatized by his father’s death, takes up his Lonnie’s quest to find Richie’s killer, only to have Jenna emotionally scared by said quest.

  18. Austria
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    Arch: …This glasses kid is adorable.

    reBB: Oh, hey, not bad. It elicited a smile.


    MW: Uh….wow. So, uh…apparently I, too, have the gift of being able to off comic strip characters with my mind.

    MC: YES

    Zits: Maybe he’s peeved that you’re, I dunno, taking over his strip? I mean, I know I am.

  19. Stu
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    Are we sure Dr. Mike isn’t laughing? Because I did.

  20. Just Call Me E
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    MT: Wow – look at panel two – Mr. Bad Guy is married to an actual Barbie doll! Not only that, but a Barbie doll playing with an Elrod beach ball!

  21. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    @TheTJ (#5): Or perhaps one day they’ll look up to find that they’ve been enclosed in Stepfather’s fence. (And boy, will those melon heads of theirs make good targets!)

  22. Rootboy
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    The look of pure loathing on Dolly’s face adds an extra level of pathos – “insult the taste of MY urine, will you?”

  23. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    AD: Hart is spinning in his grave, around two different axis.

  24. fluffy
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    I used to rent a house that had drop ceilings in the bedrooms. It also had horrible cockroach, black widow, and rodent infestations.

  25. Trilobite
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    Things work out for the best again in Mary Worth: Dr. Mike finally reconciles with his long-lost father, immediately undoing all the emotional damage that made him afraid of commitment — and then his father dies the very next day, giving him a perfect reason to finally call Jenna back! I mean, he’s going to need a date for the funeral, right?

  26. SamECircle
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    The real Mary Worth plot:

    This entire plotline was actually made up by mike’s dad, in his brain, before he died. In the real Mary Worth-iverse, Mike had a partial stroke which leaves him only able to say three letter words. But now the dead soul of mike’s dad is occupying mike, giving him force-field powers that repel the blackness outside the bedroom, and when in light, appear as godlike rays around his head. We could already see Mike’s dad dreaming about these rays in the 8/25/10 MW, where you could see them around his head, and already being transfered into his son’s. Mary worth is; of course; Mike’s real mother, who “took in” Mike’s Dad after he left his wife. And that whole drinking thing was made up.

  27. Johnny Knuckles
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    MW: That Dr. Mike is some doctor. Hopefully when we get back to Dr. Mike on the analyst’s couch Mary will ask him to check a lump she’s concerned about. Dr. Mike can shrink back in disgust and ask “what for?”

  28. bats :[
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    @Pozzo (#7): I’ll match those odds and say Dolly’s only wearing a top.

    @Push Trot (#15): you know, these wild speculations are only going to rile up Helen Clark. Perhaps for good reason…

    @Trilobite (#25): ooooh, tres classy!

  29. Islamorada Girl
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:52 pm [Reply]

    I have a drop ceiling in the guestroom of my rented house. Having said that, I now know neither Josh’n’Amber nor any Mudge will ever want to spend the night here. Hey, it wasn’t my idea! It came that way!

  30. Rocky Stoneaxe
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:53 pm [Reply]

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Anniversaries <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

    8-31-48: Al Capp's Li'l Abner unleashes the SHMOO on the world!

    8-31-60: Edgar Everett "Abe" Martin (Boots and Her Buddies) dies in Clearwater, Florida!

  31. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    @Trilobite (#25): *dies laughing*

    well played!

  32. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    @teenchy (#y77): So I do wonder how Ray Billingsley is going to get Curtis out of this plotline without having him become a green-economy millionaire.
    Horny plant biology will run amuck. Never mind the stamens, here’s the Sex Pistils!

  33. Scott Bot
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

  34. cj
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    I see the artist (Giella? Moy? Both? A “ghost penciler”?) has been browsing the Chans. Someone should remind him/ her that “object –> object at larger rez” is a tired meme.

  35. Nekrotzar
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    So now the tremors have departed Mike’s dad’s body and have settled into Mike’s body instead. Obviously he will now have to throw himself out the window and break his neck on the stairs below. I do like happy endings.

  36. Pop Goes the Weasel
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    @Les of the Jungle Patrol (#9): I was wondering about that too.

  37. Johnny Knuckles
    August 31st, 2010 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    FC: That hose is quite a ways from the pool. The pool water may be closer to 100 percent urine by volume.

    Also, Billy and sis sitting pretty high compared to the depth of the pool. They’re probably sitting atop siblings. We can only hope.

  38. shermy glamrocker
    August 31st, 2010 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    “Damn, I guess those doctors in the fancy rehab unit at the hospital WERE right. People can die during detox without proper medical attention. I thought they were just charlatans like me, spouting mumbo-jumbo to make a buck.”

  39. SquirrelGM
    August 31st, 2010 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

    Dr. Mike doesn’t look too awfully surprised at this turn of events, really. Sad, maybe, but not surprised.

    My theory is this sort of thing has happened before. Perhaps it’s a curse inflicted by gypsies he alienated via sub-standard head-doctoring — “Dr. Mike … until the end of days, whosoever spends the night beneath your roof shall meet an untimely end…”

    Or maybe it’s that wonky space-heater he never got around to replacing.

  40. Calico
    August 31st, 2010 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

    I can only hope that Lonnie will pop up like a Jack-in-the box, yell “Boo! Pawned!”
    and enjoy Dr. Mike’s ensuing freakout/coronary.

  41. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 31st, 2010 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    @cj (#34):

    the thought of 80+ year old Joe Giella browsing /b/ fills me with dread. /u/, not so much.

  42. BigTed
    August 31st, 2010 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    “Ha!” said Ronnie, springing to his feet. “If I had a dollar for every time someone thought I was dead, I could afford the good stuff!”

  43. ArchieNemesis
    August 31st, 2010 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    @helium (#3): That would be unspeakably awesome.

  44. BigTed
    August 31st, 2010 at 5:16 pm [Reply]


    “Ha!” said Lonnie, springing to his feet. “If I had a dollar for every time someone thought I was dead, I could afford the good stuff!”

  45. commodorejohn
    August 31st, 2010 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#32): I know it’s only Tuesday, but this is my nominee for COTW.

  46. Walker of Dog
    August 31st, 2010 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

    @Les of the Jungle Patrol (#9): Not a garden hose, but a very long beer line from a keg Bil keeps hidden in the basement. Because sometimes it’s important to get out of the house.

    @Trilobite (#25), @Yanni (#17), & @helium (#3): My vote for the next shocking Mary Worth twist: the drive-by shooter was none other than… Lil Jenna! Accompanying her rum-running mobster-father, she got her first kill while on patrol for boozers getting their hooch from a rival supplier. She mistook Richie and Lonnie’s sidewalk frolicking for a case of the staggers, and let the lead fly.

    Now Jenna drinks to forget… the murder, not the stylish flapper outfits.

  47. Bizarro Stormy
    August 31st, 2010 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

    @helium (#3):

    Inane relationship advice from beyond the grave? Sounds more like Funky Winkerbean than a sitcom.

  48. Jumper
    August 31st, 2010 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

    Well, I for one find the death of Mike’s dad very sad. I won’t be able to work up much snark until Mary Worth reappears. Then, no prob.

  49. Reedzilla
    August 31st, 2010 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    It appears Dr. Mike is jumping right into his plan to dispose of his father’s body…namely, eating it by the fistful.

  50. littlestevie
    August 31st, 2010 at 5:41 pm [Reply]

    MW: Dr Mike seems to have completely missed his dad’s clinical signs of the end stages of alcoholism and/or cirrhosis of the liver. What freakin’ med school did Doc Mike attend? Mike make the good Dr. Morgan look like Dr. Kildare. Whoops, sorry showing my age.

  51. Indichik
    August 31st, 2010 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    Dolly’s little black bandeau top looks like something slapped on her by the censors at the syndicate, which means she was originally drawn topless. It doesn’t seem fair, since Jeffy still gets to go bottomless.

  52. rembrandt36
    August 31st, 2010 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

  53. Spiff Bereft
    August 31st, 2010 at 5:52 pm [Reply]

    MW: …and that was when Dr. Mike realised how much he really needed Jenna…to help him carry Dad to the dumpster. Somewhere, Mary breathed a sigh of relief, knowing the last witness to her last contract-killing had finally expired.

  54. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    August 31st, 2010 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    @fluffy (#24): My first house had a drop ceiling in the kitchen, whose sole purpose was to hide an extension cord that ran to the stove.

    It took me no more than about 10 minutes to get into the attic and repair (not install, repair!) the original line that the extension cord was supposed to replace.

    The real shame was that the drop ceiling hid the top 18 inches of the cabinetry, which included some really nice, 70-year old scroll-work. The previous owners also cut the tops off of the original cabinet doors, too.

    My church has a drop-down in the foyer, because of the massive heat loss the original 30ft ceiling induces. I got a chance to look up there once, and it is hiding a beautiful 150 year old gas chandelier.

    Drop ceilings are right up there with fake wood paneling, in the list of things I swear I will never live with again. Drywall FTW!

  55. bats :[
    August 31st, 2010 at 6:05 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#40): or something like that…

  56. Ed Dravecky
    August 31st, 2010 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    This is at least the seventh time that delusional “Doctor” Mike has been re-united with his “father”, each an unwitting homeless man who agreed to play along for a little cash and a hot meal, not knowing that meal would be their last.

  57. Greenman Lefey
    August 31st, 2010 at 6:14 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth and the Case of the Drop-Down Ceiling: The drop-down ceiling was necessary to create a crawl space over the room so that Mike could enter at night, lower a string to his sleeping father’s lips, and drop-by-drop, poison him. “What’s that?” you say. “Mike’s a ninja? That make’s no sense! How could we have known that?” Indeed, he’s a ninja, so how could you? As for not making sense, let me remind you that this storyline hinged entirely on Mike’s father being a hard-drinking, street-prowling vigilante.

  58. commodorejohn
    August 31st, 2010 at 6:15 pm [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#56): And now I’m getting an Arsenic and Old Lace vibe, which I think we can all agree would immensely improve this strip.

  59. zerowolf
    August 31st, 2010 at 6:17 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Don’t think you’ve won, Kat. Margo’s wake is littered with eviserated fools that have made that mistake.

  60. Zla'od
    August 31st, 2010 at 6:17 pm [Reply]

    MW: Next episode–Dr. Mike forswears his chance at love in order to devote his life to fighting crime. “I shall require a costume capable of striking fear into the hearts of criminals. But what…?”

  61. Greenman Lefey
    August 31st, 2010 at 6:20 pm [Reply]

    @Zla’od (#60): “I shall require a costume capable of striking fear into the hearts of criminals. But what…?” … Suddenly, Mary Worth comes crashing through the window.

  62. zerowolf
    August 31st, 2010 at 6:22 pm [Reply]

    GT: Strangely enough, I ask the same question everytime I look at Gil Thorpe.

  63. zerowolf
    August 31st, 2010 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

    Luann: And isn’t Quill just such a nice boy. Completely unlike that unworthy to touch my Brad whore slut Toni he’s seeing.

  64. Bryan
    August 31st, 2010 at 6:41 pm [Reply]

    Family Circus: I’m wondering what the parts per million count of fecal matter and e coli is in that water. It’s got to be less water and more raw sewage slurry.

  65. demoncat
    August 31st, 2010 at 6:43 pm [Reply]

    dr. mike has just figured out now that his dad has gone to be with rick in heaven he will now have to fullfill Mary worths plan with Jena. that plus he let his dad die starring at a low cut ceiling. Dolly and Jeffy to them they can not tell the differance of their drinking water. that plus Dolly is too shocked seeing Jeffy has gone with out his bathing suit again she can only agree with him .

  66. Ed Dravecky
    August 31st, 2010 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    Is this Wikipedia article about the Jersey Circus my finest literary accomplishment? No, but it’s the best thing I wrote before 7am (and before coffee!) today. Enjoy.

  67. Government Cheese
    August 31st, 2010 at 6:51 pm [Reply]

    MW: Judging by the design of that guest bedroom, Dr. Mike lives at he hospital.

  68. littlestevie
    August 31st, 2010 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    MW: Hey Doc Mike, I just read where a love lorn physician in Bakersfield tried to crawl down her boyfriend’s home’s chimney flue and got stuck and died. Why don’t you try the same at Jenna’s house and ask for her forgiveness. Then we can be done with this plot line and get on to more important things, like pool parties and trips to the Bum Boat.

  69. Uncle Lumpy
    August 31st, 2010 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#54):

    Drywall FTW!

    I’d like to see a comic strip based on drywall — maybe in place of Spider-Man? Narration Box could have a field day: “Screw — or sinker?”, “Comes the Mud!”, “Scored straight — and snapped!”, “Sanded smooth — and sealed!”, or even “Picnic while hanging rock!” to announce a guest appearance by Nicole Kidman.

  70. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 31st, 2010 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#69): Nicole Kidman is an alien life-form

  71. Jamus The Bartender
    August 31st, 2010 at 7:06 pm [Reply]

    reFOOB: I like this new teacher of Michael’s. Give him hell, teach, give him hell :)

  72. Jamus The Bartender
    August 31st, 2010 at 7:08 pm [Reply]

    Gasoline Alley: The last time I remember this much excitement during a bus ride home, the Scorpio Killer was trying to get the kids on board to sing songs and Dirty Harry had the World’s Most Lethal Handgun ™ barrel pointed straight at him, and couldn’t remember if he’d fired five shots or six.

  73. Jamus The Bartender
    August 31st, 2010 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Someone GET THE LED OUT to this poor man, STAT !

  74. Jamus The Bartender
    August 31st, 2010 at 7:12 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers : Jamus The Bartender HATES those damn GPS’s, and let him tell you why. His sister tried to use one on the Illinois Tollway and we all got LOST, and his other sister nearly went crazy and almost got us all killed. Nothing beats a roadmap.

  75. Jamus The Bartender
    August 31st, 2010 at 7:14 pm [Reply]

    Spider Man: Yeah, Puppet Master, lots of things in life aren’t fair. Ed and Melissa’s strip is a goner come All Saint’s, thirty miners are trapped underground in Chile until after Xmas, we had to read Chickweed’s WW2 story since before Turkey Day 2009, and you look like a cross between Thadeus Bodog Sivana and Howdy Doody.

  76. Tmdess
    August 31st, 2010 at 7:17 pm [Reply]

    Does anyone else see the similarities between the last panel of MW and any panel from Tales from the Crypt (1950-54)? All we need to know is that Dr. Mike has chopped his father into pieces as revenge. Or is it just me?

  77. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 31st, 2010 at 7:28 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#54): Just before the time I was living in the lovely rundown old Northern Hotel in Fort Collins, Colorado, they had done some work on the old dining room there, and discovered that a false ceiling was hiding a glass dome. You may ask, didn’t they see it from above? Actually, I had a room that overlooked it for a while, and I couldn’t tell it was there from my window, so I guess they couldn’t. And for some reason, I never went into the room to look at the thing, either.

    @Zla’od (#60): “I shall require a costume capable of striking fear into the hearts of criminals. But what…?”
    I always imagined there must have been a scene like this with Oliver Queen, probably sitting in traffic, thinking “Criminals are a cowardly and superstitious lot. What would strike fear into their hearts?” Just then, the traffic light changes, and he says, “That’s IT! A green arrow! I shall become…”

  78. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 31st, 2010 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#66): Since I haven’t watched the show (been to the shore, though), I can’t appreciate the Jersey Circus. Call me a traditionalist, but I go for the classics.

  79. Walker of Dog
    August 31st, 2010 at 7:40 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#69): “The Madcap Adventures of Tape ‘n’ Float”?

  80. Soccerhead
    August 31st, 2010 at 7:57 pm [Reply]

    FW: The minute it seems that Creepy Les is starting to have some success in life, he becomes a douchebag.
    CL will call it “our book” in a few months when it’s the 99-cent rack next to “Blood Cargo”.

  81. Harold
    August 31st, 2010 at 8:03 pm [Reply]

    As Lonnie wakes up during his autopsy, he briefly regrets that his son became a psychiatrist instead of the sort of doctor who can tell the difference between “dead” and “sound asleep.”

  82. Poteet
    August 31st, 2010 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#Y101): As honored as I am, I must give full and complete credit to bats:[ for that insight. You see, I was thrown offline (my computer does that a lot these days, bleepitbleepit), just before I could post what’s below, so I saved what’s below and then I had to go off and do other things. I think bats:[ version is better, but what the heck, just to muddy the waters further…


    Actually, the story is even darker. FRED is the guy who put several holes in Cousin Richie because he mistakenly thought Richie was shagging his girlfriend. When Fred learned about his horrible mistake and found out, a few years later, how the grief-stricken Lonnie was still seeking the perp, Fred vowed that he would devote himself to Lonnie to make up for what he had done. And as a further incredible twist, the girlfriend who was two-timing Fred was none other than Toby! And the guy she was REALLY stepping out with was none other than…um….than…quick, someone….

  83. Howdy Doody
    August 31st, 2010 at 8:26 pm [Reply]

    @Jamus The Bartender (#75): I resemble that remark.

  84. NJP
    August 31st, 2010 at 8:28 pm [Reply]

    I have to say that Giella and the anonymous colorist went above on beyond in today’s panels. Lonnie’s corpse might be best drawn and colored object to appear in Mary Worth in months.

  85. The Ridger
    August 31st, 2010 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

    Is Mike a psychiatrist? Or a psychologist, who would have at least a half-assed excuse for not being able to diagnose imminent death?

  86. The Ridger
    August 31st, 2010 at 8:32 pm [Reply]

    How stupid is that woman in Mark Trail? I mean, her husband has a room with more dead and dismembered animals than the local butcher shop, and she’s asking him why the animals are there?

  87. cheech wizard
    August 31st, 2010 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    @liz (#12): Crapped his pants makes sense to me. The other possibility is that Mike’s discovered that his father fell asleep after masturbating.

  88. Petal Metal
    August 31st, 2010 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    MW: It’d be cool if it turns out that Fred was the one who drive-byed Lonnie’s best friend.

  89. Darryl Heine
    August 31st, 2010 at 8:48 pm [Reply]

    Thus ends the remake of the 1976 Family Circus beach vacation sequence…

  90. Chowder
    August 31st, 2010 at 8:48 pm [Reply]

    Look at the disdain in Dolly’s face. She knows exactly where all that urine came from, and she resents it.

  91. Howdy Doody
    August 31st, 2010 at 8:49 pm [Reply]

    9CL — Upon further cogitation, I think Brooke can spin this one out until Christmas.

  92. mr 12 oz can
    August 31st, 2010 at 8:53 pm [Reply]

    mary worth -since the 12 oz can is the terral owens of this site pure talent everyone hates him . look back and see who was the first one to ppredict lonnie shakes death. . i also know who killed cousin richie but let the haters hate away
    mark trail i was right on this too do your research but only a gypsy wouldnt see this plotline coming
    fred basset- im sure it was good i forgot what happen warm tempertures mean lots of beer drinking within reason on a workweek of course
    get fuzzy -theres a guy at work who i use to see reading the comics at lunch time for a long time .so i said whats your favorite he said the one with the 2 dogs . never heard of it i said then he showed me it was get fuzzy he said he would still be thinking bucky was a dog if i didnt tell him

  93. Walker of Dog
    August 31st, 2010 at 9:02 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#82): Fine Ernie, whose infidelity is the true cause of Bonnie’s shopping obsession. (sorry to leave you hanging)

  94. The Urine in Your Pool
    August 31st, 2010 at 9:06 pm [Reply]

  95. MWDG
    August 31st, 2010 at 9:06 pm [Reply]

    MW:a cute ending to this would be for Jenna and Mike to “make love” next to Lonnie’s rotting corpse!

  96. Crankenstank
    August 31st, 2010 at 9:08 pm [Reply]

    Or Jeffy prefers the taste of fish poop. Take your pick.

  97. commodorejohn
    August 31st, 2010 at 9:09 pm [Reply]

    @Howdy Doody (#91): Brooke? Hell, he could stretch it to Easter without breaking a sweat.

  98. Greenman Lefey
    August 31st, 2010 at 9:15 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#82): …stepping out with none other than Delilah. But it was just a phase, and Delilah shacked up with her barely-former teacher Lawrence, a philosophy professor whose personal philosophy consisted of a hybridization of Dr. Wayne Dyer’s self-help, Ayn Rand’s help yourself, and the Beatles HELP! as filtered through Charles Manson. This philosophy proved to be very influential on a young psychology student by the name of Mike Roberts…

  99. dc20willsave
    August 31st, 2010 at 9:19 pm [Reply]

    Dolly thinks over her brother’s words and realizes she could drown him right now and no one would care.

  100. Anonymous
    August 31st, 2010 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    @Zla’od (#60): Uh, I thought his costume was that of Sonny Crockett from Miami Vice.

  101. Scott Bot
    August 31st, 2010 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#100): This one was me…

  102. Superman's Pal
    August 31st, 2010 at 9:39 pm [Reply]

    That’s not Lonnie. That’s the bum he traded clothes with outside the pub. It was all part of his plan to draw out Richie’s killer by faking his own death. Lonnie will discover that Richie was gunned down by none other than FRED, because, really, who else is there? With Richie finally avenged, Lonnie will put his life back together, Mike will marry Jenna, and none of them will ever know that MARY ADVISED FRED TO KILL RICHIE, after a pool party at which Lonnie’s wife complained that Lonnie was spending too much time hanging out with Richie, when he should have been at home teaching his son important lessons, like when to call a girl back after a date. When Mary Worth meddles, she gets results.

  103. Sequitur
    August 31st, 2010 at 9:39 pm [Reply]

  104. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 31st, 2010 at 9:53 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#77): Green Arrow’s costume was inspired by Ollie’s love for the Errol Flynn version of Robin Hood. [*]


  105. dale
    August 31st, 2010 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

    @The Urine in Your Pool (#94):

    What was the point of that article? It seemed to go in circles. It’s ok to drink salty water as long as it isn’t too salty. If you’re drinking sea water, you should also drink a lot of fresh water so the overall salt concentration is less than the concentration of the sea water you started with.

  106. The Urine in Your Pool
    August 31st, 2010 at 10:19 pm [Reply]

    @dale (#105): Fits Family Circle.

  107. Poteet
    August 31st, 2010 at 10:21 pm [Reply]

    @Greenman Lefey (#98): Thank you kindly!

  108. Poteet
    August 31st, 2010 at 10:27 pm [Reply]

    @Walker of Dog (#93): I like the way your mind works.

  109. Farley's Revenge
    August 31st, 2010 at 10:32 pm [Reply]

    MW: So Daddy ups and starts pining for the fjords. Way to give the finger to your kid, old man. “I’m sorry about causing your abandonment issue, let’s hug, make up, and you can move me into your crappy guest room so I can kick the bucket. Try and track me down now, Loser!”

  110. Government Cheese
    August 31st, 2010 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

    MW: So now that Dr. Mike and his beloved can marry now since Mike can “love again” – what’s the wedding going to be like? I sense it will have the alcoholic Jedi ghosts of Aldo and Dr. Mike’s dad watching the ceremony with an annoying Ewok song overture. One can only dream.

  111. Uncle Lumpy
    August 31st, 2010 at 10:59 pm [Reply]

    Let’s not neglect the possibility that Doc Mike will take up his Dad’s quest, start drinking, take Mary’s advice, marry Jenna, and otherwise squander his life.

  112. Paddy
    August 31st, 2010 at 11:01 pm [Reply]

    FC: Could that pool possibly be any further from the house? What, is the rest of the family hoping the Jeffy and Dolly will be taken away by a passing pack of wolves? Actually, come to think of it, I am totally on board with this plan.

  113. Poteet
    August 31st, 2010 at 11:23 pm [Reply]

    @Paddy (#112): The family should be so lucky. I’d bet that wolves have better taste. However, if the Keanes lived in my area, they could realistically hope that mosquitoes would suck the melonheads dry before they could make it back to the house.

  114. Red Greenback
    August 31st, 2010 at 11:24 pm [Reply]

    We all know what Jeff and/or Bil really wanted to say on that cartoon. “This water tastes like ass!”

  115. Sequitur
    August 31st, 2010 at 11:25 pm [Reply]

    I first read this as land mine. And I thought that was funny.

    Heh. I got a window like that.

  116. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 31st, 2010 at 11:45 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#104): Well, sure, but the name had to come first.

  117. bunivasal
    August 31st, 2010 at 11:47 pm [Reply]

    In his death throes Lonnie apparently decided to change the direction his bed was facing.

    That, or Dr. Mike is keeping his dad in a 10′x10′ garden shack at the country club.

  118. montron
    August 31st, 2010 at 11:48 pm [Reply]

    YESSSSS!!!! I mean. Sorry, Mike. Hope you get your poop in a group and hook up with Jenna and live happily ever after, but YESSSSSS!!!!

  119. Rhekarid
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:05 am [Reply]

    At least Lonnie died doing what he loved; nothing.

  120. blackgoat
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:14 am [Reply]

    @The Ridger (#86):
    Wouldn’t you think t some point she would have asked her husband “Dear, why are we mortgaging our home to build a a $ 200,000 chain link fence around our property ?”

  121. Comcis Fan
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:27 am [Reply]

    MW: So Lonnie’s burial plan called for a Dumpster?

  122. Roman Fingers
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:29 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#111): I think “squander his life” was pretty much a given the day he met Mary.

  123. Farley's Revenge
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:29 am [Reply]

    @Comcis Fan (#121): Hey, if dumpsters can be used as swimming pools in NYC, they can be used as really roomy coffins in Santa Royale.

  124. Rocky Stoneaxe
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:34 am [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean — “Also, here’s a couple of different paper stocks… which one do you think would suit my deathless prose better?”

  125. Trey Le Parc
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:36 am [Reply]

    FC: Christ, how small is the compass they use to draw the heads of these microcephalics?

    MW: That dead guy is not only the most realistically rendered human ever depicted in this strip, he’s also blessedly escaped the unwelcome ministrations of Mary Worth. This earns him a pass through the gates of St. Peter, where he’s certain to encounter Aldo Kelrast in all HIS gin soaked hereafter glory. The bar in Heaven is always well stocked and the drinks are free. Have at it, boyos.

  126. Revenge of Chesnut
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:48 am [Reply]

    Aside from Jeffy’s disturbing salt addiction, the Keanes are obviously grooming Dolly for some sort of illegal but lucrative occupation in the near future with that tube top. I would say call child services if I didn’t hate them all so much. Also, they’re fictional.

  127. Buck Ripsnort
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:49 am [Reply]

    Looking at this morning’s MT, does Evil Politician have a double chin or a Blofeld-like scar?

    The only redeeming facet of that FC is that Dolly FINALLY appears ready to drown Jeffy in his own bodily waste. Or will this gag go on all week, until the entire family gathers round on Sunday for a Jeffy beat-down?

  128. Poteet
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:53 am [Reply]

  129. ElkMeadow
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:02 am [Reply]

    Whoa, RMMD story arc just did a 180. The editor, as a prostate cancer survivor, is on the mayor’s side. He’s going to find out who the anonymous phone callers are, who it is who’s leaking the stories about the mayor’s cancer*, find out how they’re getting the info (Sarah told everyone about it at school, so the second one is a parent of one of her classmates, a girl friend of his opponent, who hopes for a big wedding), print articles about prostate cancer, and find out who killed Richie. And maybe free Cue, too. After he does the “before and after” story about the gals in Apt. 3G.

    * (I call the wife, as she wants out of politics and is about as happy about his rerunning as Pat Nixon was about Richard’s campaigns.)

  130. BFE
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:03 am [Reply]

    Is Batuik really this unaware of how obnoxious Les Moore is? Is he pulling our chains? What is the point of this character? Author Avatar? He makes Wesley Crusher look like Han Solo! Is this how Batuik wants to be seen? Are we really expected to root for this DOUCHEBAG? Gad! Make it Stop! JUST……MAKE……IT………STOP…………JBFLKKOEJFJJFJJEWOJOJF!!!!!!!

  131. Poteet
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:03 am [Reply]


    MT — Given the cost of the fencing, plus the shipping and feeding of the exotic big game, Mister Evil will have to raise several hundred thou just to break even. Obviously his economic planning skills qualify him for *insert political post of choice*

    MW — I think it would be rather wonderful if Doctor Mike called on Jenna and discovered that because of his romantic negligence, she has turned into a gray-faced shaky alkie like dear old Dad.

    RMMD — I can’t remember which Mudge first predicted that it was the wife who called the newspaper to report Mayor Weirdo’s cancer, sorry. But whoever you are, I think you may be right.

  132. Aviatrix
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:11 am [Reply]

    @Revenge of Chesnut (#126): Can someone please consult older versions of the kids-tasting-the-wading-pool strip and determine if Dolly was originally pictured with a bathing suit top on. Back in the seventies, in my community at least, bathing suit tops on six year old girls were considered about as silly as boots on dogs, and multiple neighbourhood children were likely to be found naked in the same wading pool/rain barrel/mud puddle, and it didn’t count as abuse or neglect.

  133. Poteet
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:15 am [Reply]


    9CL — I think I see what’s ahead in this story and I hate it even more than what’s happened already.

    FW — Is there any hope that Les’s corpse will be found in a couple of days, mutilated in some particularly hideous way?

    PLUGGERS — Arrrrgh. No comment.

  134. Uncle Lumpy
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:15 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#131):

    … [Jenna] has turned into a gray-faced shaky alkie like dear old Dad.

    Who is hunting Doc Mike for vengeance!

  135. Roman Fingers
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:15 am [Reply]

    JP: Thank goodness. I’m so happy that they never thought of using two cars to tail someone.

    A3G: Now that Margo has straight, long hair, she’ll finally be able to sign the karaoke version of “Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves” that she has so longed to do.

    Cranky: *slams head on desk* we GET IT already…Geez

    The Funktacular Winkerbean: “Your attention, please. You’ve now boarded the non-stop descent into Hell. This is a non-screaming descent. Make sure your restraints are fastened so that you cannot move. After departure, our crew will be happy to serve you unlimited helpings of cancer and misery.”

    DtM: As soon as dad’s round is done, he’s going to drive Dennis out to a nice farm in the country, where he can run and play.

    FC: If this were Europe, we could hope it was unexploded ordinance from WW2.

    MT: Whoever called “Big Game Hunt” wins 5 Internets.

    RMMD: Bad head work, Stu. Try to keep something a secret, and then threaten to sue everybody you can get your hands on. At this point, Ted Baxter would figure that you’re covering up.

    Luann: It’s a swing and a miss on the hip cultural reference by dad.

  136. Roman Fingers
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:17 am [Reply]

    A3G: Sing. Not sign. sing. dammitdammitdammit

  137. Poteet
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:17 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#134): Yep, even better.

  138. Alfred E. Neuman
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:28 am [Reply]

    FC— Thel is chagrined that Billy has found her worn out set of super-powered Ben Wa balls.

  139. bats :[
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:31 am [Reply]

    @mr 12 oz can (#92): what kind of dog does your co-worker think Bucky is? I’m intrigued.

    @Poteet (#113): they live in Paradise Valley. My money’s on coyotes, or more likely, a pack of neighborhood dogs that are allowed to run free and crap in other people’s yards. And kiddie pools.

    Meanwhile, life goes on

  140. boojum
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:32 am [Reply]

    MW: Wow. This plot turned into “Solomon Grundy” at light speed. Do Moy and Giella have a soufflée in the oven?

  141. ElkMeadow
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:34 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#131):

    RMMD — I can’t remember which Mudge first predicted that it was the wife who called the newspaper to report Mayor Weirdo’s cancer, sorry. But whoever you are, I think you may be right.

    There’s also the anvil about the cell phone in the kitchen while she was doing something to the dinner. I don’t know who was the first call for her being someone who told. Isn’t there a caller i.d. for when people call and leave messages?

  142. Poteet
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:35 am [Reply]


    CRANKSHAFT — Phoning it in, are we?

    SLYLOCK FOX — It’s a small but welcome thrill when I get all the answers right. Thank you, SF.

    STONE SOUP — Don’t worry, kid, you just need to hang with the right peeps. Turtles are cool.

  143. bats :[
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:37 am [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#129): I agree. I think Rose spilled the prostate. I mean, if she wanted to be associated with a politician, she could’ve moved to a big chain-link enclosure in the woods.

    @Poteet (#131): um, I know of a senatorial candidate that spent $20M just to secure his party’s bid… Politics isn’t a poor man’s (big) game. HAR!

    @boojum (#140): I can’t recall a serial strip ever moving this fast. Are the Roberts Orthodox Jews? (Yeah, like *that* would make a difference.)

  144. Just some guy
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:37 am [Reply]

    I think I saw his eye open

  145. Uncle Lumpy
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:41 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail — OK, so these places like to call themselves “hunting preserves”, although people who don’t like ‘em call them “captive hunt” operations. They can get pretty upscale depending on location and type of game (elk! bison!), services (quartering! taxidermy!). But the industry bread-and-butter seems to be mom-and-pop bird blasting outfits.

    Guh. I gotta go take a shower.

  146. Uncle Lumpy
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:43 am [Reply]

    Oh yeah, and fences are a big deal: “high-fenced” is the ne pas ultra of the biz, and everybody looks down on the “chain it to a log” arrivistes.

  147. Rana
    September 1st, 2010 at 2:12 am [Reply]

    MW: I see that the twitching is contagious. Or genetic. Perhaps both.

  148. Poteet
    September 1st, 2010 at 2:15 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#145): The people I know who don’t like ‘em call ‘em “canned hunting.” It will be interesting to see what terms MT uses.

  149. Aviatrix
    September 1st, 2010 at 2:20 am [Reply]

    Doonesbury: Damnit soldiers, get to work already. I see zero evidence that Mel is being overbearing and lots that you lot are slacking. There is a helicopter there that needs its rotor blades balanced. I’ve seen more authoritarian attitudes from peers in that situation. What is your collective problem? Unless Plan B is to fix the fricking helicopter already, I’m putting you all on report.

  150. This Guy
    September 1st, 2010 at 2:26 am [Reply]

    H&J: I know golf is a bastion of ridiculous outfits, but a golfer wearing a rotted pumpkin on his penis-shaped head is on a new level. What do the Fashion Police think?

    Luann: So teenagers today think “radio” is a value judgment, not a medium? I wouldn’t listen to the majority of commercial radio stations (not without a very substantial bribe, anyway), but I wouldn’t categorize them as not being radio.

    Marm: “In fact, if you see this dog, pick up the red phone and say ‘Execute the strike.’ The management thanks you in advance for your sacrifice.”

    S-M: “Because I am not an animal. I AM A MAN!” *punch* Come to think of it, Linkara should do a review of this strip’s gripping “Peter Lounges Around” arc.

  151. Charlene
    September 1st, 2010 at 2:29 am [Reply]

    @blackgoat (#120): If this is a reprint from the 60s, it’s perfectly possible that she has no right to ask that, because the property is in his name entirely. That used to be standard in some areas, to the point that in some states and provinces wives were legally debarred from being registered as joint owners of rural land. They had dower rights over the homestead quarter, but that was it.

  152. Aviatrix
    September 1st, 2010 at 2:45 am [Reply]

    @Charlene (#151): It’s completely believable that this could be a reprint from the 1960s, but just when you think you have rationalized the hairstyles and social behaviour on that basis, someone will pull out a cellphone or a camera memory card.

    @boojum (#140): There could have been quite an entertaining arc here as Doctor Mike attempts to explain the dead guy no one has ever seen before, but don’t assume you’ve missed a week of action. Mike signed a quickie death certificate and then called in a favour to expedite arrangements at the funeral home. He’ll will be home thinking up a new excuse not to call Jenna before the bacon has gone cold.

  153. This Guy
    September 1st, 2010 at 3:01 am [Reply]

    More 9/1:
    9CL: What with Edda’s staggeringly succinct summing-up of the situation and now Facepalm Theater, I can’t help wondering if some buried element in B-Mac’s consciousness is trying to assert itself and communicate with us through the vast, crushing weight of the author’s pretentiousness.

    NS: Okay, so huge dig at Josh specifically and/or the Internet in general. Keep your head in the sand, Wiley. It really seems to be working.

  154. Marion Delgado
    September 1st, 2010 at 3:30 am [Reply]

    Last time, on A3G: Hi, This is the SWINGING Mills Gallery, and I’m your FAR-OUT guide, MARGO. I’ve just been ironing my HAIR. I smoke WEED and I IRON my HAIR, dig? When I’m HIGH, I *AM* Nancy Sinatra! I hear you babies got the low-down on the drug shooting that WENT down in the Mills. It was a real bring-down, let me tell you, but … I guess it’s all part of the creative process. You should meet our new partners Kitty and Kat, dig? After I was sobbing my little eyes out, they turned my head around and made me realize I don’t need any man!

  155. Not Greg Evans
    September 1st, 2010 at 3:30 am [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean 9/1/10 — Here we are getting to see the L.E.S. system in action and are finding out that he’s quite the Mack Daddy genius:

    Lead them both into a meeting on neutral turf.
    Erode their lucidity through a series of inane questions which they will answer “Yes” to just to shut you up.
    Sneak in the proposal of a threesome once their ability to make a sound and deliberate decision has been crushed.

    I’m just disappointed I didn’t think of this years ago!

  156. Ed Dravecky
    September 1st, 2010 at 3:45 am [Reply]

    FW: It’s so adorable that Les thinks he as some influence over the cover design of his book but why are they planning a launch party for a book without completed cover art? I know that Montoni’s is the center of the universe but do you really have to book it 8 months in advance, especially when the owner of the joint is emotionally invested in the event?

  157. Charlene
    September 1st, 2010 at 4:42 am [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#156): Apparently Les has the same publisher as Michael Patterson, which means that in the Funkyverse Kent State University is located in Toronto.

  158. Mordock999
    September 1st, 2010 at 5:31 am [Reply]

    Today’s LUANN – 09/01/10

    You know, Frank. Luann’s “we make a pretty good team” comment is REALLY gonna come back to HAUNT you a few months from now, when she announces she’s PREGNANT.

    DEATH to TJ!!!

  159. Zla'od
    September 1st, 2010 at 5:57 am [Reply]

    #70 Old Man Muffaroo:

    “Left on Green Arrow” often makes me think of that book’s political slant.

    (Still wish the Amalgam version–blended with Henry Pym–had been called “Green Giant” or “The Big Queen.”)

  160. Zla\'od
    September 1st, 2010 at 5:58 am [Reply]

    (Sorry, the above is # 77)

  161. Jack Parsons
    September 1st, 2010 at 5:58 am [Reply]

    Phantom: “My kind.” O good lord. Would you just change his costume to all 6 colors already?

  162. Zla'od
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:16 am [Reply]

    #60 (me): “I shall require a costume capable of striking fear into the hearts of criminals. But what…?”

    # 61 Greenman Leffey: … Suddenly, Mary Worth comes crashing through the window.

    (me again): “I’ve got it! I shall become…an old bat !!!

  163. Rumon
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:17 am [Reply]

    Dr. Mike’s dad might have died from complications from alcohol abuse, but Dr. Mike himself might be developing skin cancer, according to his hideously detailed arms.

  164. gleeb
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:33 am [Reply]

    Archie: And so, the whale’s contact lens was never delivered.

  165. Doctor Handsome
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:53 am [Reply]

    Taken out of context, the second panel of Mary Worth could be read as Dr. Mike reacting to a particularly gruesome pant-load in his elderly father’s adult diapers. I prefer to see it that way, because it amuses me.

  166. Scott Bot
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:03 am [Reply]

    Luann – Ha ha. Luann’s dad didn’t know that Paula Abdul wasn’t on the top forty anymore. Funny joke. I’m willing to bet that until he asked someone, Greg Evans didn’t know, either.

  167. Little Guy
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:07 am [Reply]

    MT: Tiiiiin-ROOF……. Rusted!

  168. Shawn S.
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:20 am [Reply]

    So when does Dr. Mike start avenging his dad? Why, after a Charleston pool party of course!

  169. willethompson
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:39 am [Reply]

    MT: “Y’see, I’ve carefully researched McCain-Feingold and the resulting Supreme Court decision, and technically, this isn’t a contribution – it’s just combining my First and Second Amendment rights into one kick-ass campaign event!”

  170. Mela
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:45 am [Reply]


    9CL: This is what it sounds like when quasi-Nazis cry. It sounds suspiciously like an audience snoring.

    A3G: About as close to a compliment from Margo as anyone has ever gotten. You should feel honored. (BTW, it looks exactly the same.)

    Baldo: I’m sorry, making the subject a teenaged BOY doesn’t make the “it’s funny cuz he’s fat” tone any less obnoxious.

    BB: Ha, ha! It’s funny because Mort Walker practically had to be tortured to acknowledge that women wouldn’t stand for being treated like blow-up dolls after the 70s!

    Bizarro: The horrible truth behind sedation dentistry, although this guy looks less molestery than those guys.

    Edge: Too bad you already reported him to the area’s child molester watchlist site, huh, Abby?

    FW: Gee, what are the odds that the winner (who will totally be the woman who looks the most like Lisa with a different haircut) will pick the cover that has Les & a mid-chemo Lisa sitting on a park bench against a blank white space? Because picking that would be, like, totally shocking and not at all hawking the real-life work of a man who built a creepy-ass shrine around a statue version of said cover!

    GA: Action scenes work better when (a) they make sense and (b) the drama isn’t being undermined by the giant Dossier-esque sound effects.

    Luann: I actually laughed at this, not for the joke itself (which is agonizingly lame) but for the fact that Evans is so out of touch with pop culture that he can’t bring himself to have any of the characters name a current pop act.

    MT: Maybe it’s not the deer who’ll be stomping someone to death after all. Yikes.

    MC: Yay for schadenfraude!

    NS: 2006, same dated jokes about how all internetters are lame-os. I think it’s safe to say that Wiley died at this point and his editor, his last remaining human contact, has been trying to cover it. At least “Herb & Jamal” tweak the dates.

    OBH: Bunnies, huh? Cute.

    RwO/6Chix: Same artist, both funny.

    Speed: And complaints to the editor about the “satanic” gesture start coming in 5… 4… 3…

    Zits: Screaming “I should’ve smothered you once your voice changed” with every word & gesture is not a way to show your love, Connie. Maybe if you weren’t a typical Boomer blind to the very possibility you may have faults, you’d realize that. But first, the artists would have to do the same, and that ain’t gonna happen.

  171. Flummoxicated
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:45 am [Reply]

    MW: The circle is now complete. Check out the last panel – Doctor Mike has the shakes!

  172. JD Rhoades
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:53 am [Reply]

    It’s so adorable that Les thinks he as some influence over the cover design of his book

    I know, right? They sent me the cover design for the hardcover of my first book. I said, “well, it’s really nice, but what does it have to do with the content? My protatgonist doesn’t drive a car like that and that’s not what he looks like, per the description in the book.” They said “Okay, we’ll try something else.” Two weeks later they sent me back…the identical desgin with some of the colors changed just slightly.

    I took the hint.

  173. wossname
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:57 am [Reply]

    Curtis – oh noooooes! The boodlewart is going to cause evolution!

    FC – I think it’s an artificial heart.

    MW – My, we’re moving right along here! One day to kill Lonnie off, one to get him buried, and now we can get back to the truly fascinating topic of Dr. Mike’s relationship with Jenna. Richie who? (Ladies and gentlemen, for today’s matinee only, the role of Dr. Mike will be played by a young Raymond Burr.)

    OBH – A3G crossover potential. Ruthie would straighten Margo right out.

    Sly – Clowns:Baka::bears:wossname. I didn’t mind the bear cartoon, but reading today’s answers did not brighten my morning.

    Dilbert – made me snicker audibly. An echo of the old days when it was almost always funny.

    BB – Whoa – pretty progressive stuff there! Although I’d be more impressed if it had been published in 1976 rather than 1986. And the shape of Miss Buxley’s boobs in panel 3 kinds of weakens the attempt at feminism.

    Crank – zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  174. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:59 am [Reply]

    Zits: Mela rant in 3, 2, 1 . .

    A3G: Margo has turned into Mai. The proper answer is “I don’t hate you, either.” I would have thought she’d morph into Azula, personally. (The thought of Lu Ann as Tai Lee fills me with glee.)

    Cleats: ok, the meme is officially declared tired.

    F-: o_O

    OBH: someone get Ruthie an “air quoting Margo” T-shirt.

    6C: I chuckled.

    Lio: now THERE is a golf gag!

    SB: surprisingly lame.

    OBH: ahh, Cartoon Physics. [*]

  175. wossname
    September 1st, 2010 at 8:04 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#131) and @ElkMeadow (#141): I suggested yesterday that Mrs. Mayor was the leaker – I think that was the first mention. But I have not gone back to check out the phone call that Mibbitmaker and ElkMeadow remember, so I reserve the right to change my call.

  176. wossname
    September 1st, 2010 at 8:10 am [Reply]

    @Harold (#81): COTW candidate!

  177. But What Do I Know?
    September 1st, 2010 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    MW–Wow, that was mighty convenient. I figured the old man would lie around for a couple of years, wallowing in self-pity and occasionally messy relapses into his old boozing/revenge-seeking ways while sponging off his cash-machine son. But I suppose that sort of thing could only happen in real life, and this is Santa Royale, after all.

  178. Greenman Lefey
    September 1st, 2010 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    @The Ridger (#86) & @blackgoat (#120): Frank Johnson strikes me as the type of guy who doesn’t let his wife go into his den or look into the finances.

  179. Greenman Lefey
    September 1st, 2010 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    9/1 Phantom: Uh, Kit, you do realize that you’re not immortal, right–that there is no “Ghost Who Walks”–that it really is just a myth carefully created through an unbroken succession of patronizing white guys–and that the next in line is a 12-year-old boy who still wears diapers, right?

  180. Scott Bot
    September 1st, 2010 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    MW – Hasta la vista, Dad.

    September 1st, 2010 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    Dick- With a name like David Diedorf D’Buckworth, who wouldn’t want to kill him? And you can’t spell Diedorf without DIE.

  182. Sequitur
    September 1st, 2010 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#174): Here’s some Texas squee for you. It might soften the rant.

  183. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 1st, 2010 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    @Trey Le Parc (#125):

    “This earns him a pass through the gates of St. Peter, where he’s certain to encounter Aldo Kelrast in all HIS gin soaked hereafter glory. The bar in Heaven is always well stocked and the drinks are free. Have at it, boyos.”

    Is this a Richard Thompson reference, to the song “God Loves a Drunk”?

    “Will there be any bartenders up there in heaven?
    Will the pubs never close? Will the glass never drain?
    No more DTs and no shakes and no horrors
    The very next morning, you feel right as rain

    ‘Cause God loves a drunk, lowest of men
    Like the dogs in the street and the pigs in the pen”

  184. TheDiva
    September 1st, 2010 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    9CL: And now, the collective reaction to this storyline.

    FW: Cayla begins to realize she may have to resort to physical violence to escape.

    reFOOB: “A little discipline will do you good, and Lord knows your mother and I are never going to give it to you.”

    MW: Pretty lousy turnout for Lonnie’s funeral–just Mike, the priest from Doubt, and Lon Chaney in his Phantom makeup. Whatever happened to Lonnie’s life partner, anyway?

  185. Spunde
    September 1st, 2010 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    Why doesn’t Dead Eye McPoorSport fly his pals to the same wild game barrel all those trophies in his ludicrously overfilled den came from? Anybody can boondoggle in their home town.

  186. Sequitur
    September 1st, 2010 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#183): And that reminds me of this ditty:

    It was early last September as well as I can remember
    I was strolling down the lane in tipsy pride
    Not a word did I utter as I lay down in the gutter
    When a pig came up and lay down by my side

    Not a soul was I disturbing as I lay there by the curbing
    When a high-toned lady came and I heard her say
    “You can tell someone who boozes by the company they chooses”
    And the pig got up and slowly walked away

  187. Just Call Me E
    September 1st, 2010 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    FW: From the expressions on their faces I am thinking that Cayla and Susan are finally starting to figure out that Les the Loser just isn’t worth their time … I am seeing a “girl’s night out” at “Eat. Pray. Love” in their future!

  188. GagWriter
    September 1st, 2010 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    Jenna will be excited to know that Mike is now free to devote his life to his new passion: finding the creep who killed Richie.

  189. Thomas B.
    September 1st, 2010 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    Lonnie tells Mike–a person he knows little to nothing about–exactly what he needs to do with his life to be happy, then Lonnie dies. I’m confused; I thought meddling in the affairs of strangers was the key to Mary Worth’s immortality?

  190. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 1st, 2010 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    9 – Gustave Mahler and Edmund Spenser just called to say the damn thing’s gone on too bloody long already.

    Crankshaft – I just want to know who sings “Pop Goes the Weasel” the way they do in this strip. Wikipedia says “American versions often (?) include some of the following” and then mentions the line. I’ve never heard it. I also want to know what kind of idiot puts a vocal version on an ice cream truck speaker.

    Curtis – Gunk looks surprised. “A Flyspeck Island Guppy? HERE??”

    Smirky – Now we’re getting somewhere. The first cover shows a three-way between a man and two women. The second shows the three-way with him on top.

    Hägar – Sorry, no comment. If I was to comment every time this strip was actually funny, I’d be boring you with my approval three or four times every single year.

    Mark – So this dork fences his property and stocks it with tame deer as his entrée into politics? Jeez, he’s a regular Dick Chainlink.

    Marmaduke – “And remember, he’s crafty! One time he disguised himself as an old lady and broke my right index finger all to shit.”

  191. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 1st, 2010 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    Ghost-who-clones – “Oh, we are the Phantom Ar-meee…!”

    Pluggers – It’s a plugger’s Rolodex! Or maybe a plugger’s phone book! No, wait, it’s the bulletin board… or the laptop… or the cell phone… or diary… or FaceBook… or gerbil helmet… or…

    Can we just jump ahead thirty years to show our earnest, puzzled plugger being laughed at for pulling out an iPad to look something up, with the caption “A plugger’s Nz-300u” now?

    R=RThe GPS system misdirected the SCUBA apparatus-wearing DM monster to the ATM machine where he fumbled his PIN number and forgot about the FLK kid. [*]

    Today’s strip is brought to you by the DRD Department. [*]

    Shoe – Hey! Where’s Roz’s reaction shot? I only read this thing to see bleak, hopeless terror, dammit!

    Spidey – Crimemaker’s Textbook: To prolong the life of your evil puppet clay, simply keep it in the freezer when you’re not actually using it. Remember that it can be brittle until it’s thawed out.

  192. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 1st, 2010 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    @Rhekarid (#119): First good long laff of the day! And yes, I read all the comics already.

    @Poteet (#131): I hate to brag, but I already posted that the mudge whose name I’ve also forgotten was right. And by “I hate to brag,” I mean “I have no life.”

    @Zla’od (#159): I can say, without irony, that either of those names would have been so great. I’ll have to choose the first, though, because “Queen” is at least a kind-of secret identity.

    @JD Rhoades (#172): On the other hand, I talked to David Mattingly, years ago, and he would always read a book so he could do an accurate cover illustration. At some point I mentioned that I was in an apa with Bob Vardeman, and Dave asked me to beg his forgiveness for a cover he’d done. He knew that the spider he did for it was the wrong size, he said, but the art director made him do it that way.

  193. Greenman Lefey
    September 1st, 2010 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    @Thomas B. (#189): Ah, but Lonnie was merely Mary’s tool. Give Mary a fulcrum and a lever long enough, and she can can meddle the world. Lonnie was that fulcrum, and having served his purpose, can be discarded without a second thought. It may be a bit amoral, but I think we should all be grateful that only one life had to be sacrificed just so Mary could prove to Mike that “everyone deserves to have love in their life.”

  194. Walker of Dog
    September 1st, 2010 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    @blackgoat (#120): Why would Beth know anything about their finances? Everybody know numbers aren’t for girls.

    @Trey Le Parc (#125): Helen Clark must be counting the days.

    @Aviatrix (#152): More proof that Mark Trail, circa 1960, was light-years ahead of its time.

    @Shawn S. (#168): A Charleston pool party would be a real change of pace from the usual salmon-smothered snoozefest.

    All the guests would be dolled up, the joint would be jumping and the hooch flowing, with drugstore cowboys getting high-hatted by gold diggers with gams up to there. It would be the cat’s pajamas. And how!

  195. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 1st, 2010 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#190): 9: “I’m singing Das Lied von der Erde,
    And she only wants to hold hands!”

  196. tb4000
    September 1st, 2010 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    Curtis: Gunk’s shock at seeing that walking fish seems to contradict his entire being, as most the shit from Flyspeck Island is in that realm. I guess it’s supposed t cater to the “rule of funny”, but then one would have to assume that this strip actually adheres to such regulation.

  197. LP2004
    September 1st, 2010 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#190): Re: 9 CL – Along the same lines, I think Samuel Richardson was heard to mutter something about “…this guy needs an editor!”.

  198. mollificent
    September 1st, 2010 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    A3G: Uhhh…her hair is exactly the same. And I think it’s actually SHORTER. Wha?

    Beetle: Even better, Ms. Buxley…how about “drawing women with breasts that actually look like they could exist on an actual human being”? Even for the usual (or vintage) BB drawing style, those are just plain DISTURBING.

    Phantom: “Begun this Clone War has.”

    @Ed Dravecky (#156) and @JD Rhoades (#172): Actually, when my BFF’s novel was published this year, she was able to pick out the cover art and have a pretty hefty say in the design (though they managed to screw it up anyway…*eyeroll*). I think in the case of her publisher, they were loath enough to spend their own money that they were happy to have the author doing the work for them. And she was happy to be able to assert some control, even if it meant she wasn’t a big enough “name” to have the big-budget people designing her cover.

    Actually, though, now that I recall…they DID send her a cover design first, and it was so craptastically lame that she threw a fit, sent them what she wanted, and it was so much better that they went, “oh, ok.” She ended up doing her own book trailer, too. I think she was just damned determined that if they weren’t going to expend any resources to promote her book, she’d damn well step in and do it herself. ;)

  199. Calico
    September 1st, 2010 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    Mary seems to have a way of working her death magic on so many different types of people!
    Batuik, you have nothing on this woman. No thing.

  200. commodorejohn
    September 1st, 2010 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    9CL – Oh, don’t mind Third Panel Kiesl. He’s just hocking up an old-man gob.

    A3G – Mmm, the Morticia Addams look. It suits her.

    BB – Wow. Sixty years and they haven’t killed him. That’s restraint.

    Crankshaft – END END END

    DT – You remember that running Muppet Show sketch with the talking houses? That was the first thing that sprang to mind when I read panel three.

    FC – So there is something worse than finding out I have something in common with Pluggers: finding out I have something in common with the Keanes.

    FW – “I’m trying to decide between the photo of the tumor taken during the autopsy, or the picture I snapped of Lisa’s ghost the other day. Opinions?”

    GT – …are we sure panels one and two weren’t mistakenly pulled from a gay sports-themed slice-of-life comic?

    JP – “Whatever it was, it’s gone now.”

    Love Is… – somehow even more unsettling than usual.

    Luann – On a completely unrelated and much more interesting note, holy crap does Paula Abdul look good for someone in her late 40s.


    MW – Mike looks less like he’s saying his goodbyes to a loved one and more like a Vikings fan watching them lose another Super Bowl. Scratch that, even Vikes fans aren’t as emotionally deadened as this.

    MC – Aww.

    Pluggers – Pluggers are the most pathetic obsessive-compulsives you’re likely to see.

    Popeye – If you mapped the path of this storyline, it would look like one of those Family Circus dotted-line panels.

  201. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 1st, 2010 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    coming soon to Pluggers. Only question will be whether it’s a Reed Hoover submission or not.

    As seen recently in MT.

    Honey, I can explain.

    PS: loved the ‘dillosquee!

  202. Calico
    September 1st, 2010 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    Oh, and Lonnie, Aldo, and (hic) Helen Clark are/were health freaks:

  203. Walker of Dog
    September 1st, 2010 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    A3G: Margo is aggravated that Tabitha didn’t use a hot flatiron directly on her scalp. What’s a gal got to do to get some quality S&M action in this town – maybe start punching the back of her own head? Done.

    FC: “Now crack open my chest and stuff this in. I wanna be Iron Man!”


    Why would anyone want to follow us?”

    April, it’s fine to puzzle over that question, but you really shouldn’t ask it out loud when the readers can hear you.

    MW: So many questions: Where’s Fred? Why is former British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain in attendance? Has Helen Clark knocked over any of the floral arrangements?

    Phan: Thanks for the suggestion, Angry Soldier, but the Ghost-who-Walks prefers to visualize his cloning fantasies on a VHF channel.

    S-M: That Puppet-Master. For him, the glass is always half-full.

    9CL: Three panels with Kiesl’s face covered by his hand?! You couldn’t have replaced just one of them with a face-hugger from Alien? Damn.

  204. Calico
    September 1st, 2010 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#200):
    Re: My Cage – yeah. Ditto.
    It always makes me sad, though, when I see other couples fighting – it’s happened a couple of times in public, and I just want to give them a big hug and say “forget it-this too shall pass.”

  205. Bill Peschel
    September 1st, 2010 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    My book cover experience was far different than Les’, but I had the advantage of a New Yorker artist being hired to do it. It was pretty cool, with its characticatures of five famous writers, that all I could do was suggest they drop the one of Jack Kerouac (whose essay had to be dropped) and include Norman Mailer.

    So, what book cover do you think Les is suggesting? I’m picturing one of Lisa, wearing wings and a halo, walking with Jesus in one, the other, a big honking picture of Les, getting his smug on.

  206. Hank
    September 1st, 2010 at 11:49 am [Reply]

  207. Bill Peschel
    September 1st, 2010 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    Wow, Mary Worth’s moving at lightspeed. And it was so nice for Dr. Mike to bury his dad in a coffin shaped like squares from a Hershey bar.

  208. Uncle Lumpy
    September 1st, 2010 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#192):

    What’s an apa?

  209. ElkMeadow
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    A couple of funeral songs for the occassion.

    Poor Jud is dead
    A candle lights his head
    He’s lookin’ oh so purty and so nice
    He looks like he’s asleep
    It’s a shame that he won’t keep
    But it’s summer and we’re runnin’ out a’ ice

    From “Oklahoma!”

    I am smelling like a rose that somebody gave me on my Birthday Deathbed……….I am smelling like a rose that somebody gave me cause I’m dead & bloated!
    lyrics by STD

  210. Scott Bot
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    MW – This can’t possibly be a funeral for an old drunk from the poor part of town – the people are too well dressed. Where are the thirty year old polyester leisure suits? The sport shirts and baseball caps? By rights, the only person in a suit at that thing should be the funeral director.

  211. ElkMeadow
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#200):

    Love Is… – somehow even more unsettling than usual.

    Probably because we here know that both of the people the characters are based on are dead, with him having gone first.

  212. littlestevie
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    MW: Think of all the money Doc Mike saved on Lonnie’s funeral. They didn’t have to embalm Lonnie, he was already pickled.

  213. Rocky Stoneaxe
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth — Look at it this way… at least Dr. Mike didn’t have to pay for embalming fluid!

    Family Circus — Yikes… it’s Thel’s IUD!

    Doonesbury — So who’s on Team McTight-Ass?

    9CL — Evolution of a facepalm!

    Marmaduke — America’s Most UNwanted!

  214. Fashion Police
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    @This Guy (#150):
    We are enamored of the two-piece linen golf dresses from the 1920s and 30s, although skirts below the knee are a bit impractical.

  215. Gary
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    Why why why did I ever stumble upon this website? I, for most of my 44 years, was pretty much ignorant about Mary Worth. Now, I await for her hijinx to appear here.

    You, you. meddler in my life.

    Comic Curmudgeon = Mary Worth

  216. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

  217. Fashion Police
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    @Scott Bot (#210):
    One surmises that the only attendees are Dr. Roberts and his pastor. The gentleman in the back is probably the funeral director. We wonder not only at the absence of Fred, but of Dr. Roberts’ friends. One would think at least a few of his colleagues cared enough about him to share his sorrow.

    For that matter, where is Mrs. Worth? Not only does she bear some responsibility for this turn of events, but it hardly seems likely she would pass an opportunity for further pronouncement, if not outright meddling.

  218. wossname
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    @Scott Bot (#210) and @Fashion Police (#217): You don’t think Dr. Mike actually bothered to figure out who Lonnie’s Skid Row friends were or inform them of his death, do you? No time for that! Just plant him in the ground and then get on the phone to Jenna with all that newfound ability-to-love.

    Is it time for a pool on what day the next pool party starts?

  219. Jesse C
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    It appears “Mike” is about to pull of his mask and reveal that he is really old man Winkle from the amusement park.

  220. Spunde
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    @Thomas B. (#189): You know the old saying, “Do not meddle in the affairs of meddlers, for they are subtle and quick to anger.”

    My guess is, when Mary realized Lonnie was meddling in Mike’s life, she telemeddled his liver into giving out.

  221. Fashion Police
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    We must commend Monsignor McEldowney for his attention to detail, particularly with respect to Herr Kiesl’s eyebrows. Otherwise, he has devoted three well-crafted panels to telling us what we already know.

  222. Aviatrix
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#184): I told you Fred would get shafted at the funeral. Doctor Mike didn’t even tell him Lonnie had died, just that he and dad were going away for a few days on a fishing trip.

  223. Greenman Lefey
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    @Jesse C (#219): And he’d have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t you meddlesome ‘Mudgeons!

  224. Uncle Lumpy
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    In the two most recent Mary Worth stories (Scott/Adrian and Mike/Jenna), gunfire has helped characters overcome commitment anxiety. Dare we hope for a shotgun wedding next? Put on a straw hat and bandanna and Mary’d make a great “Pappy.”

  225. Fashion Police
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#218):
    Dr. Roberts already knew Fred’s number. It would have been incredibly callous of him not to call.

    We have some hope that Miss Thompson is still smarting from Dr. Roberts’ earlier snub, is not ready to take his renewed efforts at face value, and will require additional coersion from Mrs. Worth. However, given the approaching holiday, we anticipate a gathering of Charterstoners in their polyester finery this weekend.

  226. Mibbitmaker
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    9CL: ….drip…. drip…. dr–

    A3G: They’ve turned Margo into Lucy Liu!

    BF: We need her in Mark Trail!

    Crank: Oh, put a sock in it, Ed!

    FC: A veeblefetzer?

    ReFOOB: Oh, John, you’re such an adult!

    FW: Your cue, ladies…. y’know…. run….? ….away? ….ladies…..?
    FREE (their) CUE NOW!

    GA: Fast paced AND slow paced. This storytelling/-line cancels its other out.

  227. Scott Bot
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#226): I’m thinking more Cher than Lucy Liu

  228. littlestevie
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    MW: Is Mike going to Lonnie’s wake out by the Chartersone pool, With lots o’ salmon squares and potato-ade to go around?

  229. Mibbitmaker
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    @Scott Bot (#227): Look at her face in panel two, combined with the not-bunned black hair…

    Wednes-a-day — We’re already ready for the time off from you, too, Jamarr “Ego Who Walks”.

    Luann: Paula Abdul is “moldy oldies”?? BOXCAR!
    ~Really, though, I’m 48 and I know to have said “Lady Gaga” or “Beyonce” [*] or something like that!

    MW: Aw, he inherited the Family Shakes.

    S-M: Oh, that’s convenient!


    RMMD: Next three panels:
    1) Stu
    2) Stu, with a giant cartoon heel (labeled as such, in big letters) in the place of his head, otherwise the same as panel 1.
    3) Stu (same as panel 1).

    (All with “He’s a Horse’s Ass” playing on the soundtrack)

  230. Thomas B.
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    @Greenman Lefey (#193): Of course! It was Mary after all who insisted that Mike connect with his dad. So back at Charterstone Mary has a clay doll of Lonnie and was using it to do her work. Mary is the Puppet Master! Lonnie never showed up until Mary forced him. Infact, didn’t Stark have the same wavy lines around him when he was controlled? We all thought it was DT, but it was Lonnie trying to break free. It all makes so much sense now.

  231. Just Call Me E
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    MT: Ha ha! Called it! It IS Dick Cheney/Armstrong Ranch all over again!

  232. carbunicle
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    @littlestevie (#228): Lonnie is the salmon squares and potatoade.

  233. Fashion Police
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    We cannot recall the last time we saw a dentist – let alone a hairdresser – wearing anything resembling Tabitha’s smock.

    Kudos to Mr. commodorejohn for noting Miss Magee’s affinity to Morticia Addams. Despite our secret affection for Victorian gothic, we continue to advocate in favor of a modified, severely tailored variation of the Irma Bunt look. Nothing exceeds like excess. In Miss Magee’s case, this merely takes her current style to its logical conclusion. Minus the floppy turtlenecks, of course.

  234. Baka Gaijin
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail: That is one uggo drag queen. That is a man in the pink shirt, right? Right???

    Pluggers: “You can never find an unused magnet on a plugger’s refrigerator…” because of all the doctor appointment reminders and prescription scripts.

    Arlo and Janis: I hate saying this but Arlo is a plugger.

  235. JupiterPluvius
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    Oscar Wilde’s last words were reported to be “Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.”

    I was starting to make a comparison with Lonnie and the drop ceiling, but then I realized that that would make Fred Bosie, so I had to go take some aspirin for the screech of cognitive dissonance.

  236. Baka Gaijin
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    @carbunicle (#232): OH MY GOD!!! Salmon squares is Soylent Pink?

    Special to Truman Fable: Goatscapers!

  237. Scott Bot
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    @carbunicle (#232): And considering how much booze Lonnie absorbed, I would assume the cocktails, too…

  238. Push Trot
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    BB: Riiiight, give raises to women based on how hot you think they are – that’s how you end workplace discrimination.

    Crankshaft: EW EW EW!

    Curtis: Next: Curtis tries to rid Australia of its salad infestation by unleashing hordes of rabbits.

  239. Scott Bot
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    BB – I always thought Miss Bimbo was a government service employee…Halftrack can’t give her a raise any more than I can – pay scales are determined by the GSA.

  240. Greenman Lefey
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    @littlestevie (#228): This is a bit gratuitous, but here goes…

    Lonnie Rob’s Wake

    Lonnie Rob lived in a rundown house, a vigilante mighty odd,
    He had the the shakes and awful sweats, an’ to rise in the morn he’d guzzle Creek of the Knob
    You see he’d a sort of a revenger’s streak, e’er since cousin Richie got gunned down,
    He’d accost old hobos on the street, as he stumbled and mumbled all over town.

    Whack fol the dah now dance to yer partner, around the pool you trotters shake,
    Wasn’t it the truth I told you? Not an ounce of fun at Lonnie Rob’s wake!

    At two a.m. Lonnie met his son, his head felt heavy which made him shake,
    He slept in the guest room and promptly died, and they carried him out a corpse to wake,
    Dry-clearned the sweat stains from his skin, and laid him out on a Hershey bar bed,
    Potato-ade at his feet and salmon squares at his head!

    Whack fol the dah now dance to yer partner, around the pool you trotters shake,
    Wasn’t it the truth I told you? Not an ounce of fun at Lonnie Rob’s wake!

    His friends weren’t invited to the wake, because they were poor and all low class,
    So a bunch strangers from Charterstone, gathered ’round to talk from their ass,
    Toby O’Chinbeard began to cry, “Such a nice clean corpse, did you ever see,
    Lonnie o Lonnie, why did you die?”, “What drugs are you on?” said Charlie.

    Then Bonnie McSpendthrift took up the job, “Toby” says she “you’re wrong, I’m sure,”
    Toby forgot why she started to sob, and left to eat pinkish food some more,
    Then o’erwhelming boredom did engage, t’was people a’snoozing on their feet,
    Nothing but niceties to talk about, and triple-processed food to eat.

    Whack fol the dah now dance to yer partner, around the pool you trotters shake,
    Wasn’t it the truth I told you? Not an ounce of fun at Lonnie Rob’s wake!

    Ol’ Dr. Corey doubled over when the salmon squares came back up,
    Spraying and spattering from toe to head, the pink-gooey slurry scattered over Lonnie Rob!
    Bedad he revives, see how he rises, Lonnie rising from the bed,
    Saying “Don’t you people check for pulses, t’underin’ Jaysus, I wish I were dead!”

    Whack fol the dah now dance to yer partner, around the pool you trotters shake,
    Wasn’t it the truth I told you? Not an ounce of fun at Lonnie Rob’s wake!

  241. Chip Whittle
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    Edge City: “Hi, Abby, I just saw your kids! They’re socially healthy and responsible and even mature! Do you have somebody else raise them and you just show up for Parent-Teacher-Bread-Product Night or what?”

    You can see how the neighbor was unrecognizable what with it being daylight and him being nearly twenty feet way.

    Family Circus: “Look, Mommy, somebody threw away a perfectly good Cyberman head!” [Thirty seconds later...] “Who let the Cyberman head assimilate their body and use it to destroy the universe?” “NOT ME!”

    Gil Thorp: So the reason for the face-melting two-a-days is to let young athletes cuddle? Whatever floats their boats right into the path of Hurricane Earl, I suppose.

    Shouldn’t somebody tell Jamaar Gaddis that The Phantom is perfectly happy being narrated by Zombie Lee Falk?

    Hi and Lois: Hey, it’s time for Lois’s weekly sort-of remembering that she has an infant! That’s enough parental supervision till after the hurricane, I suppose.

    Mandrake: “It’s a beautiful day! What can happen? Please, tell me, because the art isn’t giving any hints! Seriously, what’s that thing in the trees, an origami swan from Crock?”

    By the way, great mother there, mocking her child for reading the National Geographic Atlas of the World.

    Mark Trail: Somehow Beth’s emphasized words are appropriate to the context. Must be a slip-up in production.

    I still wonder how things got to this point without Beth asking the obvious question, which would be, “Why has my house been filled with pronking ibexes?” That’s so obvious a question I’ve taken to asking it whenever someone won’t let me out of the conversation and it’s worked every time.

    Marvin‘s Dad is named Marvin too? Is all of comic strip existence simply the never-ending Circle Of Pooping?

  242. wossname
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

  243. Scott Bot
    September 1st, 2010 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#241): ‘Circle of Pooping’ would be a good name for a rock band.

  244. commodorejohn
    September 1st, 2010 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#241): I tried picking up Mandrake back when I first discovered Comics Kingdom. I gave up after a week because I just couldn’t stand to look at it. That is seriously some David Gonterman-caliber shoddiness. And such a pity, too, since Lee Falk’s other strip is looking so great these days. Maybe they could meet in the middle and both be Spider-Man.

  245. Calico
    September 1st, 2010 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    @littlestevie (#212):
    COTW nom.
    Nom nom nom!

  246. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 1st, 2010 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    movies of lap-critters:

    Corgi with happy feet.

    Big Floofy Weezoh gets a neckrub.

    pronking foxes?

  247. Mr. Njiocron
    September 1st, 2010 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    Next plot twist in Mary Worth: Jenna is pregnant.

  248. Baka Gaijin
    September 1st, 2010 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Njiocron (#247): Jenna is pregnant? Immaculate conception or was a turkey baster involved?

  249. Thomas B.
    September 1st, 2010 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    @littlestevie (#212): OR they could set his liver on fire and let he be his own eternal flame.

  250. Thomas B.
    September 1st, 2010 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#222): Actually, that allows Fred to keep cashing the Social Security cheques.

  251. Shiai
    September 1st, 2010 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    What’s nice is, Lonnie’s funeral can also serve as a second date locale for Dr. Mike and Jenna. Ain’t Charterstone love grand?

  252. Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™
    September 1st, 2010 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    The Calla Lilies Are In Bloom Again

    Fred sat crosslegged at the foot of Lonnie’s casket. It was the first time he’d worn a suit in years, since the passing of his mother when the Keebler train ran the tracks and headed into the milk factory where she worked. Lonnie was gone. First, his son, Mike, came for him and took him out of the apartment. It was “for his own good.” Own good indeed! Fred and Lonnie had lived in that apartment for years with nothing going wrong except the occasionaly night when the tube of lubricant ran out and they’d have to work up a good spit for their mad, sweet love. One night. One night! Lonnie went to Mike’s house and “died” during his “sleep.” Reminded him of his great Aunt Louise. That woman was stronger than a team of horses. Once, she caught a cold and when they tried to give her whisky she almost bit the tip off of the spoon. Then one day, she was dead. And her best hat was missing. But Lonnie was dead, and that’s all that mattered now.

    Mike sauntered up to the casket like nine and a half inches at an all-Asian orgy. “Oh, Dad!” he cried. Yeah, right, thought Fred. Crocodile tears to match your crocodile shoes.

    And then, a woman entered the room. She wore black, which was appropriate, but not the black for a funeral. The lace on her bonnet matched the lace on her handkerchief which matched the lace on her bodice which matched the lace at the top of her stockings barely showing from beneath her tight, black skirt. She was three pounds of cleavage in a one-pound casing, her taught breasts yearning to break free of her clothing and suck all of the air from the room.

    Mike turned and saw her.

    “Bonnie!” he shouted.

    She raised her handkerchief to her eye and wiped away an invisible tear.

    “Dear Mike,” she said softly. “I spoke with Mary this morning. Am I to believe that you might need some… comfortin’?”

    to be continued

  253. Uncle Lumpy
    September 1st, 2010 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#244):

    Re: Mandrake — yeah, more’s the pity, ’cause I like the softer line and abstract backgrounds, the faces are really pretty expressive, and the composition and perspective are up there with Scancarelli and whoever’s drawing Blondie. But there’s dirt in the white space, unerased goobers in the margins, and inconsistent attention to the boundaries between objects and backgrounds. I get the impression of a really excellent artist who’s stopped paying attention to things that even terrible artists attend to.

    It looks like that other strip — the one with a duck in it. Not the Disney one.

  254. True Fable
    September 1st, 2010 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#236): GOAT! Goat landscapers! Your tax dollars at work!

  255. AtomicDog
    September 1st, 2010 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    Family Circus – My God, we’re doomed! Billy has gotten hold of the Ultimate Nullifier!

  256. Chip Whittle
    September 1st, 2010 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#244):

    I tried picking up Mandrake back when I first discovered Comics Kingdom. I gave up after a week because I just couldn’t stand to look at it. That is seriously some David Gonterman-caliber shoddiness. And such a pity, too, since Lee Falk’s other strip is looking so great these days. Maybe they could meet in the middle and both be Spider-Man.

    The art is unfortunate, but what keeps throwing me off Mandrake is I never have any idea what’s going on, even when the characters commit exposition against each other at length. I’m kind of thinking the last story was about electrocuting a hip-hop star through a microphone which illusion had caused to appear poorly grounded, but I don’t know.

  257. Rocky Stoneaxe
    September 1st, 2010 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    It’s also worth noting that Mandrake the Magician has had only TWO artists during its 76-year history…

    1934-1964: Phil Davis
    1964-Present: Fred Fredericks

    In addition Fredericks took on the job of writing Mandrake after Lee Falk’s death in 1999!

  258. bats :[
    September 1st, 2010 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    @This Guy (#153): hmmm…the comment on Facepalm Theatre (which is very clever). Would doing something like that in the McEnivers constitute oral sex?

  259. Uncle Lumpy
    September 1st, 2010 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    Mandrake shares The Phantom‘s brisk pace — things happen, and stories clip along pretty good. It was not always thus — I remember a story from the ’60′s in which a gold-eating, time-spending galactic traveler came to earth, told his story at length to Mandrake and Lothar, then departed. It was 100% exposition, and went on for months:

    “What?!! You say you eat gold?”
    “Yes, gold is what we eat.”
    “You eat it then — I mean, the gold?”
    “Indeed. It is our food.”
    [Narration box: "A gold-eating traveler!"]
    “So, this gold you have taken — what are your plans for it?”
    [Sound effect: "Nom, nom, nom!"]
    “Urp! Sorry, what?”
    “The gold! Its future! Tell me!”
    [Aside from Lothar: "I fear it will be eaten."]
    “Your friend speaks the truth — I will eat it!”

    Months. Seriously. The strip is much better now.

  260. Uncle Lumpy
    September 1st, 2010 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#258):

    Would doing something like that in the McEnivers constitute oral sex?

    No, that’s thumb-sucking, and it goes on all the time in 9CL.

  261. ElkMeadow
    September 1st, 2010 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    Brain Bleach here!!!

    I found the obituary of “Mad Piper” Bill Millin, who, unarmed and wearing a kilt, played the bagpipes on a beach of Normandy during the D-Day invasion, upon orders from Brig. Simon Fraser, 15th Lord Lovat.

    The final paragraphs read: With German troops raking the beach with artillery and machine-gun fire, the young piper played on as his fellow soldiers advanced through smoke and flame on the German positions, or fell on the beach. The scene provided an emotional high point in the movie, “The Longest Day.”

    Millin said he found out later, after meeting Germans who had manned the guns above the beach, that they didn’t shoot him “because they thought I was crazy.”

    (0bit. written by John F. Burns, New York Times News Service.)

  262. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 1st, 2010 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#261): there’s a version in this week’s Economist that is just smashing reading.

    here: @AtomicDog (#255): of all of the All-Powerful McGuffins that they could have found, The Ultimate Nullifier would be the safest one of all. It can only destroy what the user understands, and in that case, any of the Melon-Heads would be lucky to nullify their own poop.

  263. bats :[
    September 1st, 2010 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    @Bill Peschel (#207): ya know, a coffin in the shape of a Hershey bar? I’d be fine with that.

  264. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 1st, 2010 at 4:20 pm [Reply]


    that last bit was in response to 255. Must have missed the Reply button.

  265. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    September 1st, 2010 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#77): Re: that glass dome… I’ve seen it before and after the fire restoration. It is beautiful either way.

  266. Farley's Revenge
    September 1st, 2010 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#195): Damn. Now I have to hunt down that particular Tom Lehrer CD and listen to the whole thing…

  267. Farley's Revenge
    September 1st, 2010 at 4:41 pm [Reply]

    MW: I see the small localized earthquake has shifted from Daddy Drunk to Dr. Mike. It’s a family thang, apparently.

    A question that keeps rearing its head(at least for me): Dr. Mike had abandonment issues. Mary talks him into tracking down the old man. Dr. Mike was so abandoned by the guy that he had his personal phone number and knew where he lived, but that’s another issue. Okay. So Dr. Mike and DD kiss and make up and the abandonment issue miraculously vanish. But wait! DD croaks and abandons Dr. Mike again, this time permanently! How is this an improvement or solving the issue? If anything, it seems this would exacerbate the problem because now Dr. Mike has to deal with the fact he’ll have to go hire Wilbur if he wants any suitable father-son frolicking to occur.

    I suspect the whole truncated death scene was a convenient way to get DD offstage so Mike could go peel Jenna off her table, get her dried out, and take her dancing on the beach again. All of this whole pathetic story was written for no other reason than to allow Mary to put up another “Mission Accomplished” banner at the next pool party.

  268. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    September 1st, 2010 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    @Charlene (#157): I wonder how much of a bonus Les got… $25k? $50k?

  269. Scott Bot
    September 1st, 2010 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

  270. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 1st, 2010 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    @Farley’s Revenge (#266): available on Youtube as well. ;-)

  271. commodorejohn
    September 1st, 2010 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    @Farley’s Revenge (#267): Mary needs an actual, semi-factual reason to put up a “Mission Accomplished!” banner? I always figured she had the same PR tactics as Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf or the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.

  272. Baka Gaijin
    September 1st, 2010 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    @Farley’s Revenge (#267): We’re due for a Bum Boat. We’ve had 2 pool parties in a row to start/end storylines. The banner will be tastefully hung above Billy the Singing Bass.

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#268): The advance was his editor not kicking him in the nuts. Repeatedly.

  273. Northernlurker
    September 1st, 2010 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    JP: Maybe it’s just me, but I’m finding April quite fetching.
    Um, I’ll be in my bunk.”

  274. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 1st, 2010 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#271): I’m sure that Baghdad Bob is still available for spokesperson work.

  275. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 1st, 2010 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#274): I fail at reading before posting.


  276. Rocky Stoneaxe
    September 1st, 2010 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#274):

    Reportedly al-Sahhaf is now living in the UAE with his family. Also reportedly his new job requires him to ask if “you want Falafel balls with that?”

  277. Red Greenback
    September 1st, 2010 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    @Farley’s Revenge (#267): Arrggh, Jeez! Now I’m visualizing Mary sporting a flight suit with a very prominent crotch-bulge! Thanks, Farley’s Revenge

  278. Red Greenback
    September 1st, 2010 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    Er, not my crotch-bulge-Mary’s crotch-bulge, that is.

  279. dale
    September 1st, 2010 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#145):

    That Battenkill place needs to get a gooder proofreeder.
    “Battenkill Hunting Preserve are considered …”
    Also, they can’t settle on BattenKill or Battenkill.

  280. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    September 1st, 2010 at 5:30 pm [Reply]

    @Farley’s Revenge (#267): Agreed. I was just wondering in what universe abandoning one’s family to pursue some half-assed revenge fantasy and ending up a pathetic, self-pitying drunk is an easily forgivable act.

    But at least we know that in neglecting to return Jenna’s calls because he has to engage in pathetic self-pity, Dr. Mike is carrying on a fine family tradition. Apple, distance from tree—you know the drill.

  281. ScienceGiant
    September 1st, 2010 at 5:36 pm [Reply]

    @Farley’s Revenge (#267):

    “I suspect the whole truncated death scene was a convenient way to get DD offstage ”

    Which is the Monty Python and the Holy Grail equivalent of carving “Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!” on the cave wall. This isn’t dialogue from a dying man, it’s just Karen Moy dictating!

  282. Walker of Dog
    September 1st, 2010 at 5:36 pm [Reply]

  283. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    September 1st, 2010 at 5:37 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#145): I thought that was just something Mike Judge made up for King of the Hill.

  284. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 1st, 2010 at 5:41 pm [Reply]

    @Red Greenback (#277): futa Mary Worth, DO NOT WANT!!!!

  285. Charlene
    September 1st, 2010 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#268): At least a quarter million. If anyone receives more generous advances than first-time general fiction novelists, it’s misery-lit biographers – especially if the subject is a complete unknown.

  286. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 1st, 2010 at 5:46 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#208): An apa, or APA is an amateur press association, where (say) 35 people send in 35 copies (or so) of their contribution for the month (or whatever), and a central mailer (or OE — Official Editor — or whatever) sends collated copies of everybody’s piece out to everybody who contributed. It’s like a slow version of Usenet in the way that people comment on and to one another. I was in SLANAPA with Vardeman in the early 80s.

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#265): I remember (vaguely) the fire at the Northern Hotel. When I lived there, it had been several years since. They asked me if I wanted any other furniture for my room and I said a wardrobe would be nice, so they took me through some heavy doors they’d thrown across the hall in the east wing, and there it all was — still all burned and dangerous looking. One of the slightly less charred rooms had some pieces of furniture in it, and I selected a tall one for my clothes.

    When I moved out, things seemed to be coming to a close for the hotel, so I went and found Bill Stark, the manager, and offered him ten dollars for the awful piano they had. He allowed as how he’d rather just throw it in the trash than sell it that cheaply, and since I couldn’t offer him any more than that, I nodded and said I understood.

  287. zerowolf
    September 1st, 2010 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Wow what an awesome makeover, it makes you look 20 years older.

  288. zerowolf
    September 1st, 2010 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

    BB: I think it was the “raises” that was getting him into trouble, Ms. Buxley.

  289. zerowolf
    September 1st, 2010 at 5:52 pm [Reply]

    FW: That and I get a perverse joy in watching how uncomfortable you two are in eachother’s company.

  290. zerowolf
    September 1st, 2010 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

    GT: Ghost of what? Ghost of failed plotlines past?

  291. zerowolf
    September 1st, 2010 at 5:57 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Ok, I have to give them kudo’s for getting the spank the monkey innuendo past the censors.

  292. Alfred E. Neuman
    September 1st, 2010 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

    @zerowolf (#288) said: “BB: I think it was the “raises” that was getting him into trouble, Ms. Buxley.”

    Yeah, he may be an old general, but Halftrack still knows how to pitch a tent.

  293. zerowolf
    September 1st, 2010 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

    GA: Let’s see, I could put the bus in neutral and stay on the road until it stops or I can veer off into the woods. Exit stage left!

  294. Uncle Lumpy
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:10 pm [Reply]

    @dale (#279):

    That Battenkill place needs to get a gooder proofreeder.

    That Battenkill place needs to get a gooder soul.

    Seriously, in my brief research on the subject, they were the pick of the litter. BLAM! Oops, there goes that litter.

  295. Mardou Fox
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:15 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#226):

    Free Cue now, indeed!

  296. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    @zerowolf (#291): I was thinking Red Hot Chili Peppers myself, but firmly closed off that mental pathway in short order.

  297. Aviatrix
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:19 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#294): I wonder how it works. Is the place just packed with big ungulates roaming about minding their own business and getting shot at? Or do they keep them all in a stable somewhere and let out whatever species you have contracted to bag? Are there little painted footprints to follow on he ground or do you do your own stalking? Gotta love the verb “harvested” used in one of the testimonials, referring to the game killed.

    I wonder what it would cost to go there and take pictures of the animals. That could be a pretty cool trip. So long as you didn’t get winged by one of the other guests.

  298. Uncle Lumpy
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:19 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#286):

    Cool! Did all the usual usenet detritus (trolls, spam, flamewars, factions) accrete to apas, or did the relaxed pace (once a month!) of the form promote gentility? Did the editor just assemble and distribute, or did s/he, y’know, edit ‘n’ stuff?

  299. zerowolf
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:21 pm [Reply]

    MT: If you are wise, you’ll not put Dick Cheney on that list.

  300. Jamus The Bartender
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Well, live and learn, huh?

  301. Jamus The Bartender
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

    Doonesbury: Wow. Yeah, I mean, I like the folks I work with, but I don’t know if i’d stop a bullet for them. Work for one on a Friday night, MAYBE…..

  302. Jamus The Bartender
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:32 pm [Reply]

    reFOOB: Some people pay good money for strict discipline, Michael, remember that.

  303. Jamus The Bartender
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    Luann: What? Paula Abdul’s still pretty hot.

  304. commodorejohn
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#286): Huh, fascinating. Kinda reminds me of an old-computer newsletter/mailing list I used to be a part of.

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#284): Well there’s an image I will never, ever, ever be able to get out of my head. Think I should end it all now, or should I wait for the full-blown Lovecraft-protagonist gibbering insanity to set in?

  305. Uncle Lumpy
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:39 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#297):

    I dunno — I got the impression that they stock standard game (whitetail) but custom-order specials. I suspect most of their business is corporate team-building from New York, and that they don’t get too many specials or high-end “hunters.” Compared to a couple thousand to shoot a bear in a cage, Canada beckons, eh?

    I’ve been thinking about the morality of canned hunting (I don’t mind hunting per se), and it seems to hinge on a) whether the animal was there to start with or introduced solely as a target, and b) the size of the cage: 3′ x 5′ obviously sick and wrong, Wyoming-size probably OK. So assuming the animals were there to start with, at what size cage does canned hunting become OK?

    I think the answer is, “when the fence has negligible effect on the animal’s odds of survival.” Of course, the fences at the big-game places are there precisely to change those odds so they’re out, but I’m thinking the bird places might be OK?

  306. Jamus The Bartender
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:40 pm [Reply]

    Sally Forth: Oh, and….Hilary…listen. There is still the possibility that Aunt Jackie and Uncle Ralph are gonna give you a little niece or nephew come April. Won’t that be great? I mean, the kid’ll actually be your cousin, but you’re old enough that by the time the kid can talk, you can ask to be called Aunt Hilary. Won’t that be nice? And your mom’s gonna be a living train wreck, which is always fun to watch.

  307. Jamus The Bartender
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:42 pm [Reply]

    My Cage: Schadenfreude. Your cue to quality comics.

  308. Jamus The Bartender
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:45 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Wow. Got a whiplash there. Usually…and I know this, because…well, I didn’t wanna bring this up, but my dad also died of a bad liver. So, thankfully we got to miss the whole “getting hold of relatives ” thing and dealing with the funeral home and such. So…yeah, this Mary Worth kinda hit home for me. Except my dad didn’t become a vigilante or anything.

  309. Jamus The Bartender
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    FW: If Les asks these two for a threesome, I take back every nasty thing I ever said about Funky Winkerbean. The only thing that would make it better is if Les didn’t come. To the threesome.

  310. Aviatrix
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:48 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#305): Assuming that the hunting preserves have to stock their compound in an environmentally sustainable way — breeding them or taking them from areas where culling is required — the preserve might even be better. The guides makes sure that the customers aren’t targetting pregnant does or wounding animals that stagger off and take days to die. Given that a guy is going to shoot a bear one way or the other, shooting it in a 3 x 5 cage strikes me as moronic and without challenge, but not more cruel than doing it after stalking it through the Rockies for three days.

    If you really wanted to level the playing field, the hunter would be dropped off naked in the forest and could bag whatever game he or she wished after fabricating a weapon and any protective gear he chose out of available materials.

  311. Trey Le Parc
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:48 pm [Reply]

    #183 Calvin’s Cardboard Box: You’re far more literate than I. My observation is based upon nothing more than a sketchy concept of heaven gleaned from my misspent youth in Catholic schools and cribbed notes from the bar scene in “The Shining”.

  312. Jamus The Bartender
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:48 pm [Reply]

    FC: It looks like Billy found something Reed Richards from the Fantastic Four built to redirect Galactus’ planet eating energies as an offensive weapon to drive him off-planet. Or a new kind of juicer. Either way.

  313. commodorejohn
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#305): I dunno. If I were going to pontificate on the subject, I’d say that the distastefulness stems not from the size of the cage, but from the nature of the thing. It seems (to my admittedly inexpert view) that the concept is for people who want the Big Moment of the hunt without any of the work involved in getting there, be they on-the-go businesspersons or lazy rednecks; it is to hunting what hiring a prostitute is to a romantic/sexual relationship. In other words, it’s not actually hunting at all, just recreational killing. From this, I’d posit that all caged hunting falls into this category on a technical basis, though you could probably put its distastefulness as inversely proportional to the amount of work that remains. Just my two cents.

  314. Jamus The Bartender
    September 1st, 2010 at 6:56 pm [Reply]

    @Hank (#206): Thank you. SO don’t wanna mess that one up. I mean, Clint’s getting older, but no less meaner. Did anyone see Gran Torino?

  315. zerowolf
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:17 pm [Reply]

    A3G: If Luann ends up looking like Marie Fredriksson from Roxette, I’ll take back all my snark.

  316. Poteet
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:20 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#305): @commodorejohn (#313): The scorn felt by the people I know for the bird version comes in part from the nature of the “game.” Pen-reared pheasants are so unequipped to survive, once released in a “hunting preserve,” that most of them quickly become predator snacks, and many never learn to forage for food properly. Whereas wild pheasants like the ones on my land *modest cough* are taught by their mommies and can learn to become savvy predator-evaders. And at least they learn how to eat properly.

  317. Poteet
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#316): Sorry, I meant to say “the bird version of canned hunting.” Ugh, I don’t even like to type the words.

  318. Will
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:23 pm [Reply]

    BB: Obviously Miss Buxley needs a raise in order to fix her botched boob job.

  319. Uncle Lumpy
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:27 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#313):

    Well, that comes down to their pricing model: “pay per hunt” OK, “pay per kill” not. That was where I was going with my Wyoming-size cage – there’s a size at which the fence becomes irrelevant, and “caged” hunting = hunting in all important respects.

  320. Uncle Lumpy
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:30 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#316):

    Yeah, that’s pretty loathsome — I was talking about somebody who owns land with wild birds on it and lets people hunt it for a fee.

  321. Uncle Lumpy
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:33 pm [Reply]

    Coming home from my paper route one day, I found a sick pheasant and took it home to nurse back to health. Put it in a cardboard box in the back yard, made sure it had water and birdseed, the whole deal.

    In the morning it was gone! My Dad said it probably got better and flew off. I suspect it’s on a farm upstate somewhere where it has room to run and play.

  322. Aviatrix
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#319): I looked at a number of websites and the mammal ones are all pay-per-kill with different prices for the different species and sizes. Some of them have a daily rate on top of that, or a daily rate if you don’t “harvest” something in a given day. I note only that the proper way to pose with your kill is to prop your weapon up against its corpse and then sit behind the animal, holding up the head by the antlers so it ‘looks’ at the camera.

  323. wossname
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:37 pm [Reply]

    @Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™ (#252): Love the beginning! Beautiful depiction of the Lonnie/Fred relationship. But when you get to the middle — Bonnie? You mean Bonnie Johnson the shopaholic? In black lace? Now you’re scaring me.

    @Aviatrix (#310): Great concept for a fair version of hunting. And @commodorejohn (#313), “[canned hunting] is to hunting what hiring a prostitute is to a romantic/sexual relationship” sums it up beautifully.

    I’m not completely anti-hunting either – I’d rather eat a deer that had a natural life in the woods and then was suddenly killed by a good shot than a cow that spent its life crammed into a miserable feedlot and was incompetently slaughtered. But I agree with what’s been said here re canned hunts. I think Steven Colbert did an interesting report on them after Cheney was linked to them – I’m just too lazy busy to research it.

  324. Poteet
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:44 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#320): Yes, pheasant-hunting is varied in this region, and includes fee hunting for both wild and pen-raised birds.

    I’m biased. As a conservationist in Iowa, which has less of its original landscape than any other state, I see some habitat as better than no habitat. So if someone uses hunting fees to maintain good grassland habitat that shelters native prairie species as well as pheasants, that to me is far better for wildlife than turning the land into corn and soybeans. Most of Iowa is already what we call “a rowcrop desert.”

  325. Mel aka Mel
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:45 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#321): Do you remember what you had for dinner that night?

  326. Poteet
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:47 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#324): And we do need a better term, because of course real deserts are wonderful wildlife areas.

  327. Poteet
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

  328. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:50 pm [Reply]

  329. Aviatrix
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:50 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#322): Ooh, I now envision Lonnie, with a whiskey bottle propped up against him and Mary and Mike crouched behind him grinning.

  330. Lulu vonCorpse
    September 1st, 2010 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

    Family Circus: I notice that the hose is not long enough to reach the baby pool. This leads me to believe that Daddy Keane filled up the baby pool by the house, then dragged it out to the fence, so that his brethren from hell would be AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE.

  331. mr 12 oz can
    September 1st, 2010 at 8:02 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#139): ill have to ask him im intrigued now too but ill have to admit i thought it was a dog at one point too because i never use to read it

  332. gnome de blog
    September 1st, 2010 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#316):
    When I was in my teens we used to go pheasant hunting down along the Oregon-California border where my parents grew up. The season down there lasts, effectively, one hour – which is how long after first light on Opening Day it took for all the cock pheasants in Oregon to hightail it to California where the season wasn’t open yet. The hens didn’t bother because you couldn’t shoot them anyway.

  333. wossname
    September 1st, 2010 at 8:08 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#324): Iowa has less of its original landscape than any other state? That’s astonishing. Iowa doesn’t have big cities, right? (OK, Des Moines, but that’s not sprawling all over the place with suburbs for 100 miles in every direction, is it?) I rode through Iowa on the way to Sturgis a few weeks ago and found it pleasantly empty and full of cornfields. Or is that the problem — agriculture wiping out the original landscape?

  334. mr 12 oz can
    September 1st, 2010 at 8:14 pm [Reply]

    mary worth- wow who knew lonnie was jewish hes buried the next day . also how was lonnie a vigilante he never caught the killer and i dont believe he tried to solve anymore crimes .
    mark trail- oh like mark aint gonna investigate the gunshots when they start shooting the deer hippo and moose.
    fred basset -you know fred if you were human and took 2 young boys into the woods youd be in big trouble . be good now fred
    gil thorp- theres no way this strip could be in more then 25 papers

  335. gnome de blog
    September 1st, 2010 at 8:17 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#310):

    If you really wanted to level the playing field, the hunter would be dropped off naked in the forest and could bag whatever game he or she wished after fabricating a weapon and any protective gear he chose out of available materials.

    I’ve been advocating that for anyone who wants to enter a wilderness area for any reason. I’m more liberal than you, though. I’ll let them have flint and tinder and a hand-axe so they can at least make it through the first night. That’s after they pass a test on fire safety.

  336. Aviatrix
    September 1st, 2010 at 8:39 pm [Reply]

    It’s getting close to time to kill this thread, but I can’t decide whether I should use a rifle, a bow or a spear.

  337. commodorejohn
    September 1st, 2010 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#336): Oh, definitely a bow. They’re just that cool.

  338. Carl Barks Fan
    September 1st, 2010 at 8:55 pm [Reply]

    MT: I once worked for a gentleman who had a “Wild Boar Reserve” in Nova Scotia where he raised about 100 “Pure Bred European Wild Boar” in a fenced-off, 200 acre enclosure. And offered hunts, after which you paid according to the weight of the animal you killed. Figure it out: one boar every two acres, inside that fence. Plus the animals were fed to fatten them up. Plus the herd was culled throughout the year. All you had to do to get a “trophy” was stand in one spot and wait.

  339. Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™
    September 1st, 2010 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#323): It’s been so long since we saw her, I forgot Jenna’s name. I remembered a Bonnie back there somewhere. Who knows? Maybe it’d work out better.

  340. Aviatrix
    September 1st, 2010 at 9:43 pm [Reply]

    @Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™ (#339): I totally pictured Bonnie, too. I thought that was what the “three pounds of cleavage in a one-pound casing” was all about: her shapeshifting abilities.

  341. Farley's Revenge
    September 1st, 2010 at 9:47 pm [Reply]

    @Red Greenback (#278): Glad you clarified. Seriously. I was about to reach for the brain bleach.

  342. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 1st, 2010 at 9:55 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#298): There were flamewars, factions, typographic cuteness, trollish persons… I’m not sure if I ever saw anything really spammish, but there were some who were in their own little world who weren’t really open to input, so maybe they get partial credit. The slower pace didn’t keep flames from happening, they were just more slow-motion. It was also easier for, say, an intended peacemaking comment to cross the mails with an extra-flamey comment, and this kept things going longer. I like to think that at this remove, if I met an old antagonist from back then, we’d just shake our heads and say, my, how young we were. But who knows?

    Monthly was an average deadline. One I was in came out every six weeks (“See you all next hexaweek!”), and there was one came out twice monthly. Too hectic for me, especially with all the drawings I put in. After a while, I was setting my margins to leave about a third of the page blank and drawing stuff to fill the blank space.

    The editor’s job was mostly to receive a stack of, like, 35 printed copies of each contrib and reshuffle them into 35 complete issues, mail them back out, and keep track of who owed money for postage. Some fine souls actually accepted ditto masters and got them printed up, passing along the next-to-nominal fee set by the University of Arizona (I have a specific individual in mind here). Oh yeah, they also had to promote a cover from somewhere, and they needed access to a mega stapler. I was the editor (officially, I was Monkey Number One) for an animation apa for a while, after dittoes had more or less passed into history. I never ran copies for anybody, or if I did, it was a special favor. The same apa now goes out on CDs. I get asked for a contrib once in a while on special occasions, like anniversary issues.

    @commodorejohn (#337): Dad got a deer with bow and arrow one year. It was as tasty as the ones he got with the muzzle loader he made (and cast ammunition for (and I got to help)).

  343. UncleJeff
    September 1st, 2010 at 9:56 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#321): What did you have for supper that evening?

  344. UncleJeff
    September 1st, 2010 at 9:57 pm [Reply]

    Sorry Mel aka Mel.
    Would that be what you would call “comment poaching”?

  345. Farley's Revenge
    September 1st, 2010 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

    @Jamus The Bartender (#301): In a combat zone, coworkers are more than coworkers, they’re family. They may fight, they may not get along, but they would fight for and, if necessary, die for their brother or sister.

  346. Aviatrix
    September 1st, 2010 at 10:02 pm [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#344): If it was a captive comment it’s okay, so long as you paid your trophy fees.

  347. Farley's Revenge
    September 1st, 2010 at 10:09 pm [Reply]

    I think it was Steven Colbert, when he was still on The Daily Show, who coined the term “quailtard” for those birds being offered as skeet targets.

    “Deer snipers”: What we call those who pile up deer corn, then go sit in a blind and drink beer/go back to their trucks and drink beer as they wait for the deer to come up for the free buffet.

  348. commodorejohn
    September 1st, 2010 at 10:15 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#342): Heh. Truth be told, homemade firearms are…well, almost as cool. Maybe it’s just the homebrew enthusiast in me…

  349. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 1st, 2010 at 10:16 pm [Reply]


    Sorry I’m late. Got my haircut today and finally got around to seeing Inception. Anyways…
    GT: The Ghost has chosen his idiotic verbal tic, and he’s sticking with it.


    H&L: Lois narrowly avoids letting her baby drown in a rainstorm. Mother of the year?

    Archie: Don’t feel too bad, Forsythe. It seems to have rejected Jeffy Keane.

    DtM: Dennis the Lo-Impact insult comic.

    FC: Billy’s picked up a Cyberman head. The Keanes are screwed.

    OBH: Lady, I can see why you want to be Margo. But we can’t all finger-quote like her.

    Marvin: Finally, Marvin without Marvin.

    Phantom: The Ghosts-Who-Love-to-Sing-And-Dance are lined up for their big number.

  350. It is I - Liebenbaum
    September 1st, 2010 at 10:26 pm [Reply]

    As I cram a wrench up my ass because it feels so good when I stop, I read Funky Winkerbean for the same reason.

  351. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 1st, 2010 at 10:28 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#226): If Margo is Lucy Liu, does that mean that Lu Ann is Cameron Diaz now?

  352. Marlon M.
    September 1st, 2010 at 10:30 pm [Reply]

  353. Poteet
    September 1st, 2010 at 10:33 pm [Reply]

    @gnome de blog (#332): HAR!

    Years ago, I used to think pheasants looked kinda stupid with those big bodies and little heads. Then I moved to rural Iowa and came to respect them. One winter day I saw a rooster running carefully under the small trees and shrubs that made up a narrow fencerow while a hungry hawk followed above, waiting for the pheasant to panic and fly or run out in the open. Never happened.

  354. Poteet
    September 1st, 2010 at 10:39 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#333): You got it. Most of Iowa (about 85%) was tallgrass prairie, and because it could be plowed, it was. Iowa ranks #50 for surviving original landscape, and Illinois is #49. Hope you had fun in Sturgis. Were you there for the motorcycle meeting? Is it true that all the young maidens are sent to stay in North Dakota during that time?

  355. bats :[
    September 1st, 2010 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

    @Carl Barks Fan (#338): would be interesting with a boar spear. And I don’t know how gregarious wild boars are (not much, I don’t think), but if they’re anything like javelinas, one gets into trouble and the next thing you know, you’re sitting on top of a tree (or a cactus), hoping the swinish cavalry gets bored and wanders off in a couple of hours…

  356. Aviatrix
    September 1st, 2010 at 10:49 pm [Reply]

    And now it’s time to lean your weapon against this thread and hold its head up for the camera.

  357. Molly
    September 2nd, 2010 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    Re: Drop Ceilings.

    My old two-family dwelling in the Bronx has a drop ceiling. I’m sure it’s because the ceiling was unfinished and awful looking. Someone in the mid-70s probably thought it was a great idea. I guess it kind of is. I live in an office!

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