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More Spider-humiliation

Spider-Man, 1/21/10

I was too bored to even mention it at the time, but yesterday Aunt May passed out and our subterranean clergyman pretended to be a doctor and diagnosed her with “Spelunker’s Lung.” Today, the cave-priest admits to not being a doctor after all, but still insists that his diagnosis and prescribed remedy are accurate. He can’t be certain, but he’s certain she’ll die, unless she gets out of this cave! And Mole Man, emoting so very hard that his gloved hands break out of the third panel, will give up his one shot at love, so that his love may live.

Ha ha, “Spelunker’s Lung,” totally a made-up thing, right? Well, a little Googling seems to imply that this is one of several common names for Histoplasmosis. Let’s learn about this affliction from Wikipedia, shall we?

Histoplasmosis … is a disease caused by the fungus Histoplasma capsulatum. Symptoms of this infection vary greatly, but the disease primarily affects the lungs. Occasionally, other organs are affected; this is called disseminated histoplasmosis, and it can be fatal if left untreated.

Yes, that’s right: Spider-man was not able to rescue Aunt May from her underground marriage, so a microscopic fungus had to do it for him. Truly this is his greatest failure in superheroism yet!

Also, if information about this important newspaper Spider-man plot point is not added post-haste to the “Society and Culture” section of that Histoplasmosis Wikipedia article, along with descriptions of references to the disease in episodes of House and Dexter, then everything I think I know about the world is wrong.

Gasoline Alley, 1/21/11

Whoops, it looks like some history-challenged colorist has accidentally dressed Robert E. Lee and his men in Union blue. Hope you enjoy your thousands of angry letters lecturing you about the true history of the War of Northern Aggression, Tribune Media Services!

Family Circus, 1/21/11

From the action and the hairstyles on screen, I’d guess that Mommy has taken Jeffy to a porno, circa 1978. From Mommy’s tiny head and pencil neck sitting atop her impossibly broad shoulders, I’d guess that “Mommy” is some kind of quickly constructed dummy or mannequin, designed to fool Jeffy into thinking that he’s still being cared for long enough for the real Mommy to escape into the night.

125 responses to “More Spider-humiliation”

  1. Shawn S.
    January 21st, 2011 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    It’s up to all of us to make sure Wikipedia is properly edited by the end of the day.

  2. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 21st, 2011 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    “Channel this, you little goblin!” (Thel gives Jeffy a Moe Howard-style eye poke)

  3. Mel aka Mel
    January 21st, 2011 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    I see your “Spelunker’s Lung” and raise you one “Seal Finger!”

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seal_finger

  4. Cloudbuster
    January 21st, 2011 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    9CL: Dear Amos, please add more “For heaven’s sake, shut up!”

  5. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 21st, 2011 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff — NSFBG*

    Beetle Bailey — Be fruitful and multiply stupefy!

    *Not safe for Baka Gaijin

  6. Wombatz
    January 21st, 2011 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    Mole Man breaking out of the panel is of course an effect of his cheap 3D specs.

  7. Vinnie
    January 21st, 2011 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    9CL: The last panel describes my feelings for Brooke so succintly…

    Crock: You might be wondering what the hell the “sound barrier” has to do with shovels. This demonstrates you have spent more time thinking about Crock than its cartoonist. Congrats!

    MW: Jill becomes determined to find out the whereabouts of her fiancee, Wilbur Weston. The first place she’ll search, of course, is the closest Subway.

    S-M: Much like the rest of us, Mole Man tries to break the strip’s fourth wall in order to punch Stan Lee in the face.

  8. Brick Bradford
    January 21st, 2011 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    It looks to me like Scott and Adrian are near the cliff that claimed the late, lamented Aldo. I keep keep thinking that their inattentive driving will result in their careening to a fiery death on the same cliff. But I always was an optimist.

  9. The Modesto Kid
    January 21st, 2011 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    What’s with all the unattended/mannequin-attended kids in the theater? Is this late-70′s porn theater used exclusively for abandoning annoying melonheads?

  10. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 21st, 2011 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    Lockhorns — Alfajores and empanadas for everyone!

    Mary Worth — Why is Jill staring at a photo of Plastic Man and the Black Canary?

  11. Lake Neuron
    January 21st, 2011 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    They’ve already corrected the coloring at GoComics:

    http://www.gocomics.com/gasolinealley/

  12. bartcow
    January 21st, 2011 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    “Naw, you see, General Lee was such a coward that he dressed in Union Blue to avoid being shot at as he scrambled to find whatever scrap of fabric he could so he surrender in haste. That’s how much the South sucks. Your hero was a coward, and probably a Muslim.”

    “This is so totally not a strange way to commit suicide, by they way. Incidentally, I live on Foofa Avenue in Brooklyn. I usually go for isolated walks in alleyways after 7pm. While I’m financially in ruins, at least my wife left me and I got fired from my job. I have no reason to tell you this, I just thought you’d like to know a little bit more about me.”

    Too dark? That was too dark, wasn’t it? THIS IS WHAT THE COMICS HAVE DONE TO ME!

  13. Col. Havoc
    January 21st, 2011 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    In today’s Pearls, Pig does his best impression of Josh on Jeopardy, falling short only as he substitutes Mark Trail for Rex Morgan, MD.

  14. Just Me
    January 21st, 2011 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    Hi & Lois – These people keep a giant jar of pickles, a bottle of liquor and apples in their freezer?

  15. commodorejohn
    January 21st, 2011 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    A3G – Whoa! Suddenly Tommie’s all breastacular in panel one. Did she pay a visit to Judge Parker while we weren’t looking?

    Crock – Somewhere, Chuck Yeager is crying.

    DT – “You not only have a big hate…?” How many times was that run through Babelfish?

    FC – In fairness to Jeffy, if my parents dressed me in a jacket and tie to go to a fuckin’ movie, I’d be pretty antsy too.

    FW – I thought these dogs were supposed to be trained to help veterans? This one seems to be trained to help Spider-Man.

    GA – Part of the reason I stopped reading Gasoline Alley is the simian expression of willful ignorance Slim wears when…well, pretty much any time. “DUH…THAT’S FAKE! I DUNNO WHY, I JUST DISCOUNT ANYTHING THAT COMES FROM A BOOK!” It makes me want to lock him in a cage in the zoo, but I am sadly unable to do so.

    H&L – Lois is taken aback to learn that one of her children is just as manically obsessive-compulsive as her.

    JP – Just keep an eye on yourself, Angel. As you’ve just pointed out, interesting people have a way of winding up dead around Sam.

    Luann – Rampage, Shannon! Rampage! Take these condescending twits down a peg! Tear their stupid library to shreds!

    MT – “I ‘caught some’ after Mark gave some of his ‘smaller lures!’ Actually no, I have almost as little idea what all this wink-wink nudge-nudge stuff is about as he does.”

    MW – Oh God. Are we seriously going to go with Jill stalking down her ex-fiance and forcing him into loving her? That’s the kind of lunatic dedication to a theme that you only ever find in Mary Worth, my friends.

    PBS – As do we all, Pig. As do we all.

    Phantom – Say what you want about this, it’s still a sexier hair-brushing scene than *shudder* Mary Worth.

    SM – FAIL. FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL.

  16. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 21st, 2011 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    Tom the Dancing Bug — Rhymes with “hate”!

    Tundra — Asked if he was guilty of stealing his boss’ pencils, the beaver replied: “Gnaw!”

  17. Roaddog
    January 21st, 2011 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    The Gasoline Alley follies continue….. First, Scancarelli plagiarizes Victor Buono on 1/9, then offers up an ignorance of Civil War history today. Hopefully Josh is prescient about the inboxes at Tribune Media Services getting inundated. This hack needs to be called to account. And yes, I understand the suggestion was somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but any way the folks at TMS get the message is fine by me.

  18. Spiff Bereft
    January 21st, 2011 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    FC: “…Ron Jeremy makes me feel funny.”

  19. Zork The Mighty
    January 21st, 2011 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    If a volcano was nearby, we could blame pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. Curse you, fine silica dust!

  20. Patrick
    January 21st, 2011 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    Jeffy is wearing a suit jacket and button-down shirt to go to the movies? I think Thel is anticipating an “accident” on the way home and has pre-dressed him for the open casket viewing later.

  21. John C Fremont
    January 21st, 2011 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    MT – Size does matter after all.

    9CL – “‘Tish, you spoke French. And for no good reason.”

    DT – Is that rain on Mordred’s mask, or was Dick just really, really very glad to see him.

    I am so very, very sorry for that one. Really.

  22. Dennis Jimenez
    January 21st, 2011 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    S-M – Mayhaps maybe May may die – I thought S-M was extreme, but necrophilia….

    GA – REL used great, great, great, great gampa Wallet’s white cotton girlie panties to wipe his troubled brow – do tell – ah do declare….

    FC – Hang in there Jeffy – that looks like Harry Reems – this film might start picking up….

    Adios Amigos – DJ.

  23. But What Do I Know?
    January 21st, 2011 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    GA — What Pvt. Beauregard Wallet needed to do for his memoirs is block out all the bad memories and replace them with good ones. Why, oh why, couldn’t Mary Worth have been born earlier!

    Wait, what did I just write?

    The Ghost Who Peeps — Is the warden supposed to be a woman or a man? I mean, I see the long hair and all, but look at those forearms. . .

    FC — No, Jeffy, you need to see this. This is what Daddy and I do behind our bedroom door when you’re asleep. How’s that make you feel? I guess you won’t be complaining about doing a little snow shoveling now. . .

  24. Irischano
    January 21st, 2011 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    Alternate Family Circus: “Mommy, I know you feel like you and Daddy’s marriage has lost it’s spark for good but surely you can find a better outlet to express your feelings than driving 20 miles to attend a matinee of this pandering tripe every day. For the good of your family and yourself, please stop.”

    [and some malapropism about popcorn]

  25. Yabels
    January 21st, 2011 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    In today’s “Circus”, Mannequin/Mommy’s shall resembles a flabby alien-Silly Putty-esque arm draped around her shoulders. It would appear that this porno theater is the only refuge for Mommy’s otherworldly affair to be consummated. Strange bedfellows indeed. Yet she has begrudgingly brought Jeffy along. She knows Jeffy’s low-level of intelligence will keep her secret safe, while also legitimizing the reason for these frequent trips to the movies in the eyes of her husband.

  26. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 21st, 2011 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    9 – Last panel: “You’re picturing me with a bucket lodged over my head again, aren’t you?”

    Crock – Third panel verges on competent cartooning! Shock! Sensation!

  27. Lurker Bob
    January 21st, 2011 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    The latest from Wikipedia:

    A subplot of The Amazing Spider-Man comic strip where Aunt May married Mole Man saw May potentially contract “Spelunker’s Lung” while in Mole Man’s underground lair, though as the condition was diagnosed by the preacher who performed the wedding the diagnosis is questionable.[17]

  28. LUJBEM FEJF
    January 21st, 2011 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    Funny story…….Last year I self diagnosed myself with a silly named disease with the help of Dr. Wikipedia. After several days of having a metallic taste in my mouth after eating anything sweet, I stumbled upon the cause ….wait for it…..I had “Pine Mouth Syndrome”. Yes, I was syndromic. It turns out that a bad batch of pine nuts can lead to the “taste disturbance” for a coupe of weeks. Thanks to Dr. Wiki, I’m all better now, but a little sheepish when it come to pine nuts (they all come from China by the way).

  29. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 21st, 2011 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    Phantom – “My Queen, you’re looks are ‘fair,’ ’tis true,
    But Ghost-who-Peeps has come for you.”

    R=R – Pasquale, if it left any sort of physical manifestation, then it wouldn’t be a bleeding hallucination, would it?

  30. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 21st, 2011 at 10:50 am [Reply]

  31. He was born ready
    January 21st, 2011 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    Family Circus: I can’t shake the feeling that the man onscreen is Nick Offerman as Ron F***ing Swanson.

  32. kkarenb
    January 21st, 2011 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    FC – So the Keanes are parents who drag their kids to age-inappropriate movies and let them yakyakyak the entire time. How sweet.

  33. teenchy
    January 21st, 2011 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    @Lake Neuron (#11): One of the posters there attempted to answer the question I was going to raise – whether GA was set in Tomah or somewhere else. I was expecting a Wallet in the Iron Brigade, not the Army of Northern Virginia.

    As for that, how odd is it that an enlisted man is named for one of his commanding officers? And so well fed at war’s end? I’ll bet he’s one of those farb re-enactors Tony Horwitz wrote about.

  34. Comcis Fan
    January 21st, 2011 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    MW: Let ther denial and revisionist history commence!

    S4th: Start playing already! Les Moore yelled at his wife’s bomb-threat-calling-in ghost on a white airport phone, got on a plane, got off a plane, didn’t call his daughter, got on a plane and took a cab home faster than these people can set up a Monopoly game.

    FW: Mission accomplished, Rachel. Not only did the PTSD service dog help Wally get into the mood, he will lower the lights and spin Barry White tunes for you.

  35. Comcis Fan
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    *the* denial and revisionist history

  36. TheDiva
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    You forgot the most important thing about spelunker’s lung, which is that the fungus develops in guano. You’d think Mole Man would have chosen a cave that the bats haven’t been crapping in for his wedding ceremony. Maybe Jill Black sabotaged this wedding too?

    9CL: Soupcon? Try an entire bucketful.

    FW: So service dogs for PTSD-affected veterans are trained to provide mood lighting?

    Luann: Why is there a copy of The Grapes of Wrath in the kid’s section anyway? Unless it’s one of those “illustrared classics for kids” deals, which tend to be heavily edited at slightly bowdlerized anyway.

    MT: Uh-oh, looks like Mark’s got a serious case of lure envy.

    MW: Look, a wedding ring has finally materialized on Adrian’s hand! Or maybe it’s the dust speck the Whos built their city on.

  37. Maggie
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    I still think Spiderman’s greatest failure was getting knocked out by a falling brick, but this is pretty entertaining.

    Also, did anyone see Ziggy today? He’s getting mugged, which right off the bat is not exactly Laugh City. But additionally, it’s obvious Ziggy doesn’t have any way to carry a wallet or anything of value, so the guy is going to have to steal his shoes, which Ziggy just got. After years of not having shoes, you’re just going to take them away from him?? So upsetting! That strip regularly causes me as much anxiety as a David Lynch film. And I mean that.

  38. Smokefoot
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    Family Circus – I am pretty sure that what we have here is grandma’s body and mom’s head – a careless replacement, or genetics catching up to her from the bottom up?

  39. UncleJeff
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    FC: No, Jeffy. We can’t change the channels in the theater. Only in the video booths. Here’s some quarters. Maybe you’ll learn something from the other boys in the booths.

  40. teenchy
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    @Comcis Fan (#34):Not only did the PTSD service dog help Wally get into the mood, he will lower the lights and spin Barry White tunes for you.

    Was peanut butter involved?

  41. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commandos
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    GA: given yesterday, I truly hope that is the case.

    9CL: yup. more like a full tureen would be my guess.

    Bizarro: heee!

    FW: d’aaaw, day 2. (this has to be a guest writer, doesn’t it?)

    Hateeachothers: why on EARTH would the childless Lockhorns be watching Dora?

    Luann: panel 3 proves that Gunther is not an ass man.

    NS: editor on vacation, perhaps?

    PBS: heee! That’s Kyles mom from South Park, isn’t it? I would not be surprised if that was an actual couple/letter to the editor.

    NAoQV: should have seen that one coming.

    R&R and Lio both have literary references, Lio does it better

    standard oversnark disclaimer.

  42. Kinghasnoclothes
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    FW: Service dog or remote? Please, no more half smiles. Somebody has to laugh or scream in this emotionally constipated strip.

  43. Austria
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    FW: Of course. You’ve got PTSD and you get a PTSD dog, and what do you use it for? Ambient lighting.

    PBS: I love this strip.

    SlF: Penguins 2 and 4 are merely spacing out, while Penguins 1 and 3 are about to snap.

    Zits: I think this is a reprint too, but Pierce is there so I won’t complain too much.

  44. Thomas B.
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    Okay I can overlook the priest’s poor judgment in (1) agreeing to officiate an underground wedding; and (2) failing to run away when a giant subterranean monster interupts said wedding. But I simply can’t trust the medical advice of a man that can’t keep his shoes tied.

  45. Sequitur
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    @LUJBEM FEJF (#28): Rocky Mountain pine nuts.

    How do you tell if a pine tree is male or female?

  46. Tom D.
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    today’s Mary Worth, second panel: Is Jill coming to terms with her past by contemplating suicide? Man, that would be so awesome!

  47. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    SM: Phew! For a minute there, I thought that Aunt May wasn’t going to be returning to her lonely, boring life sitting by herself in her darkened apartment, ignored by the only family she has. But it looks as though everything is going to work out just fine.

    MW: Marriage has certainly been good to Adrian: She’s gone from an easily confused, blank-stared idiot-woman to a smug, self-satisfied bitch.

    Meanwhile, Jill comes to terms with the fact that she used to have much better breasts.

    MT: So if Special Customs Agent Morgan can show up at the fishing camp without tipping off the smugglers, why did he have to send Mark Trail in the first place? I could probably figure out a reason, but I’m too addled by Mark’s Sexy Phone Pose. Mmmmmm……. sexy phone pose……

    FC: While I am disconcerted by Thel taking Jeffy as her date to a Harlequinized soft-porn flick, I’m more disconcerted by the solo child viewers. Is there some sub-culture of elementary-school children who sneak off mid-school day to furtively enjoy the soft-focus pleasures of mustachioed swains slipping some tongue to blond beauties?

  48. Not Worth It
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    @Roaddog (#17): Don’t forget the ignorance of Revolutionary War history and Scottish dress customs yesterday!

  49. Neal R
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    MW – Who wears a wedding ring on the middle finger? Does make it easier to show it off, and flip someone off at the same time. What a concept! Is he holding her fingers?, or just remembering his childhood, milking cows.

  50. Hasty Penguin
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    I feel like today’s Funky Winkerbean would be cute if I wasn’t so convinced that the dog turned out the light and then promptly died.

  51. Neal R
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    MW – again. How old is Jill? That black and white photo must date to the 60′s.

  52. Not Worth It
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    Crock – Ostensibly set in: 19th century. Scientific terminology: 20th century. Functioning tools: Dawn of Humanity.

  53. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    @LUJBEM FEJF (#28): The WashPost had an article about problems with pine nuts and Pine Mouth Syndrome. Apparently, a number of US growers are promoting their pine nuts as an alternative to the Chinese pine nuts.

    @TheDiva (#36):

    You’d think Mole Man would have chosen a cave that the bats haven’t been crapping in for his wedding ceremony. Maybe Jill Black sabotaged this wedding too?

    I’d guess that if the problem is a bat crapping on a wedding, the culprit’s more likely to be Mary, not Jill.

  54. Braniff
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    FC: Mommy’s reply–”All right, we can go to a different theater in the cineplex. Who do you want to see–Cher, Bette Midler, RuPaul, Barbara Streisand, Meg Ryan or Shirley McLane?”

  55. Mr. Goboto
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    RxMD: So Berna doesn’t want to give her money to professional financial experts because they *might* steal her money, but Rex and June losing her money through ignorance or incompetence is a risk she’s prepared to take? I’ve changed my mind. Go ahead the money, “lose it.” Berna’s too stupid to keep her money no matter what she does with it, so you might as well enjoy another cruise or twenty.

  56. Mibbitmaker
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    A3G: What is Tommie, a trust fund baby?

    BBlues: Oh, let’s not (he’s a man, baby)!

    Crank: Batiuk’s secret revealed: Cranky’s increasingly pointless malaprops are meant as a plan to drive his readership insane! “MAKE THEM STOP! MAKE THEM STOP!!!”

  57. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    Anyone else notice that half the color comics today seem to feature fluorescent Oscar the Grouch green? Some kind of bulk discount, maybe?

    S-M: “Do you mean to tell me that if we stand around rephrasing the same thing, May Parker may expire?”

    FC: Whose tentacle is that draped across mommy’s shoulder? If it’s an alien conqueror, it’s surprisingly (European) flesh colored.

    A3G: If Tommie is about to say that Blaze is renumerating her through sexual favors, we’ll have to reassess him as well as her.

    9CL: Edda is so lucky that Amos chooses to shut her up with kisses, rather than duct tape.

    C-Shaft: I don’t even want to understand this one.

    S4th: If he’s just going to make up rules to screw over the other players, Ted shouldn’t be playing with Sally and Hil. He should play against Calvin Spiff.

    SFx: At least it looks like the fish was good and drunk when it died.

    Drabble: Kick ‘em when they’re up, kick ‘em when they’re down…

    HtH: Like every mother, Helga dreads having her children grow up to be happy, I guess.

    Phantom: This scene might have some erotic charge to it, if the warden didn’t look like Ossie Davis in drag.

    MW: Jill Black combs through her belongings and finds a sweet and nostalgic picture of her and her ex-groom. “Bingo!” she says to herself, “Perfect cover for the sex tape.”

    DtM: “After all, you and mom have already had me neutered like Ruff.”

    6C: You can’t fool me. That’s not a caterpillar. It’s Mr. Hankey dressed up as a beatnik.

  58. Not Worth It
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    Luann – Clearly, Gunther finds the Bookworm costume humiliating and detests reading to children. Bets on whether he owes the library’s “bookie” a gazillion dollars or whether he’s just a depraved masochist?

  59. Walker of Dog
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    @Neal R (#49): Scott’s grip is extra-manly, and Adrian’s bones and skin are demure and ladylike. Scott has accidentally punched his fingers through Adrian’s hand.
    I blame Adrian.

  60. Mibbitmaker
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    @Neal R (#49): Adrian must have watched The Office last night (though that was an absence of an engagement ring).

    DtM: Dennis has a point — he regularly rolls around in shit too, y’know!

    H&L: An armory waits for NO food!

    Luann: I just read Luann. It was DUMB!

  61. Charles
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    Fw: I suppose I should be appalled that Batiuk apparently conceived this story, promoting an organization that trains dogs to deal with the specialized needs of vets wracked with PTSD, in order to show the dog doing nothing but helping Wally get laid, but since it’s Funky freaking Winkerbean, it’s pretty much par for the douchebag course.

  62. Walker of Dog
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    @Mr. Goboto (#55): Agreed – Berna clearly needs professional assistance. How is she going to manage her lottery winnings when she can’t even dress herself properly (ugh) or remember to water the office plants?

    @Charles (#61): Wally’s going to get laid – for real? I had assumed there were no Westviewians left with functioning genitalia.

  63. bats :[
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#Y255): I agree with you. Isn’t anyone allowed to be happy in the Staniverse. If Aunt May and Melvin can get married, then Peter and MJ can ignore her (like they do anyway), but I won’t have to feel sorry for a lonely old widow. Get May treatment, tidy up the Melvin Cave (heavy-duty air filters, too), and get on with the wedding!

    Marmaduke: I actually read this today! And liked it! Probably because it didn’t look like the cartoonist was drawing it during an 8.5 magnitude earthquake, as is usually the case.

  64. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    @He was born ready (#31):

    Family Circus: I can’t shake the feeling that the man onscreen is Nick Offerman as Ron F***ing Swanson.

    In that case it would seem that Leslie Knope has turned into Leslie Yup.

  65. LUJBEM FEJF
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#45): I don’t know, how do you tell if a pine nut is male or female? @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#53): I’m certainly keeping a look out for domestic pine nuts. We do still have pine trees here don’t we? Just not ¢.25 an hour labor to get those little nuts out.

  66. Mibbitmaker
    January 21st, 2011 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#57): re: A3G: ….To the tune of “Everybody’s Talkin’” by Nilsson.

    GT: And, between panels 2 & 3, Lini left, wildly prancing, dancing, and skipping off into the distance, wrists flailing, singing a bouncy show tune, making homophobes everywhere chuckle derisively.

    MT: “Foolish lips sink ships, Kelly!”

  67. Red Greenback
    January 21st, 2011 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    Happy birthday, Bob Weber, Jr!

  68. Mr. Goboto
    January 21st, 2011 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    @Walker of Dog (#62): Agreed. If fact, I’d argue that her brother Dexter has a better financial plan than she because even if he spends all their money on gizmos and gadgets, at least they have some gizmos and gadgets in the end.

  69. UncleJeff
    January 21st, 2011 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    FW: Wally Winkerbean heard the door bell ring.
    He pulled up his pants, told his groupie to “take 5″ and strode across the living room.
    There at the door stood the ghost of General George S. Patton who demanded to know why a highly-trained-by-the-USA canine assistant was being used to help a moping slacker get laid while there are still hundreds of injured and paralyzed veterans still waiting for their requests to be fulfilled.
    Patton then floored Wally with a mighty slap to the face, attached a lead to Buddy’s collar and led the dog down the sidewalk…first allowing Buddy to hike a leg and pee on Wally’s prostrate body.

  70. Esther Blodgett
    January 21st, 2011 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    Crank: Constructing a barrier of any kind over a cat’s litter box = asking to find a cat poop in your favorite shoes. Just sayin’.

  71. Chip Whittle
    January 21st, 2011 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    Apartment 3-G: “You were smart, Tommie. Not smart in the ways that detect sarcasm, but, smart. Yeah. Let’s go with smart.”

    Bound and Gagged: “I love this time of year, two weeks after the Christmas treees have been thrown out! Wait, did the cartoonist screw up his calendar again? Oh well, happy Thanksgiving everybody!”

    Crankshaft tries to get in on some of those fat Slylock Fox paychecks by challenging us to find at least six ways nothing in this panel makes sense.

    Funky Winkerbean: Aww, that’s sweet. And it shows that soon Buddy the Rescue Dog will know how to turn on the gas without lighting a match!

    Mandrake: Well, what is the point of creating an alternate dimension that turns somebody into a ping-pong ball if you aren’t going to hit him? Wait, did I just write that sentence?

    Mary Worth: I’m glad that Jill is coming to terms with Carnie Wilson and J.R.”Bob” Dobbs.

    Popeye: Sure, the track grade is tough, but the Toonerville Trolley made good time getting into Krazy Kat today.

    Slylock Fox just barely missed out on celebrating National Penguin Awareness Day.

  72. Mibbitmaker
    January 21st, 2011 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    MW: Meanwhile, Jill Black plots a revenge murder (with torture)…

    MG&G: That joke’s older than The Exorcist!

    RMMD: Alittle more like guarantee, Berna.

  73. bats :[
    January 21st, 2011 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    @LUJBEM FEJF (#65): I believe the Navajo market reservation-grown pine nuts (they won’t be cheap, but they won’t be imported, either). You might look online for other tribes that live in pine-forest areas.
    Don’t any pine nuts come from Europe or the near East anymore?

  74. Not Worth It
    January 21st, 2011 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    @Esther Blodgett (#70): Anybody ever see this kitty litter commercial which touts the litter as so odor-free that the cat can’t find the litter box and has to hire a bloodhound? I don’t own a cat, but I have a feeling if I did, and it couldn’t find its litter box, I wouldn’t be writing enthusiastic letters of praise to the litter company.

  75. Esther Blodgett
    January 21st, 2011 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    DT: I’ve been holding this in for a long time – I’ve just got to say it: It’s a freakin’ mask! It can’t possibly have facial expressions! Now stop it!

    On the other hand, it seems a gay porno is about to break out, so at least the story is finally moving forward.

  76. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 21st, 2011 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    @LUJBEM FEJF (#65): My Spanish teacher in 9th grade said that he and other kids used to go out with a blanket and a bat, (I pause here while everybody thinks of creative ways to finish the sentence) (okay?), spread the blanket under a piñon and whale away at the tree, selling the nuts for pocket cash.

    I was first aware of piñon nuts because there was a vending machine in the little laundromat we used. Five cents for a small handful. Shell ‘em yourself.

  77. Mibbitmaker
    January 21st, 2011 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    S4th: Ted Forth, loving husband and father.

    S-M: You got it, o victim of cruel & contrived plotting.

    Zits: “Oh, why couldn’t I have been born in Westview?!!”

  78. Mark B
    January 21st, 2011 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    I’m more and more convinced the Shannon is Dirk’s daughter. Same lack of impulse control. And that year that Toni spent ‘abroad’ during high school? Same year Shannon was born. Just sayin’.

  79. Calico
    January 21st, 2011 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    FC-I like that the X-Rated theater is filled with little kids.
    Nice pornstache, too.

  80. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commandos
    January 21st, 2011 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    Trussst in me, jusssst in me.

    lol-mythology FTW!

    memetic mutation at its finest.

    please let this be a ‘shop, and not an actual tramp-stamp.

    squee-induced brain mush. (you have been warned!)

    dancing boobies.

    otter haz a snowball.

    adorableness comes in 4-packs.

  81. Calico
    January 21st, 2011 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    @LUJBEM FEJF (#28):
    I read about this last year on some news site – funny!
    Maybe the nuts were old or getting rancid.

  82. Calico
    January 21st, 2011 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    @Not Worth It (#58):
    Next step for Gunther is making a fetish video with Octomom.

  83. Esther Blodgett
    January 21st, 2011 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    @Not Worth It (#74): Same brand has a print ad that shows a cat, similarly unable to find its fresh-smelling box, standing upright with its legs crossed, front paws covering its furry pee-pee. Like you, the ad monkeys do not own cats. Cat do not – ever – “hold it in.” Unless it lives in a perfectly round house, to a cat every room has at least four toilets.

  84. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 21st, 2011 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

  85. Not Worth It
    January 21st, 2011 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    @Esther Blodgett (#83): Is there a companion website to this one that focuses on ads? Because if there’s anything more disconnected from reality and prone to ridiculous dialogue and crappy art than comic strips…. It could be titled “The Commercial Crank: Josh Watches the Ads so You Can Get Up and Get a Drink.” Send me royalties please!

  86. Jim North
    January 21st, 2011 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    DT: Hey c’mon, Dick . . . words can hurt like bullets, you know.

    Luann: Nothing teaches kids to enjoy reading better than condescending to them.

    Marvin: Jeez, Marvin is still ogling his naked mom? How disturbing.

    MW: “At some point a person has to come to terms with his or her past.” “No, Scott! You don’t! Mary said so!

    S-M: Couldn’t they just get her some kind of breathing apparatus? I mean hell, she’s ancient, she probably should have been sucking down oxygen from a tank years ago anyway.

    SF: Hmm . . . Ted raises an interesting point. Further, every property that has houses or a hotel on it is going to need electricity, right? Proper amenities like that and water are essential, right? Thus, whenever someone lands on a property and has to pay rent, a cut of that rent should go to whoever owns the electric company and/or the water works, right? Right?

  87. Buchholz Surfer
    January 21st, 2011 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    Random Lines From Today’s Funnies:
    Oh, I adore Mark Trail! But don’t tell your mother I said so. Deep down he wants my hugs. Nothing but wall-to-wall middle class comfort and security. It was DUMB. I had to make room for my snowballs. At some point, a person has to come to terms with his or her past. Hi-dee-ho, boys! Try to listen to yourself, honey. Congratulate the wounded warrior. And get out of these wet chains, ha hee! I caught a few small ones, but nothing exciting!

  88. Beef
    January 21st, 2011 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    Ooh, ooooh, Spidey, I wanna play to! “Does’t thou sayeth, should said elder remain within the subterranean realm, she shall forsooth and for certain, free herself of life’s tenuous embrace and flee towards that realm un’kenned?”

  89. commodorejohn
    January 21st, 2011 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    @Jim North (#86): Nothing teaches kids to enjoy reading better than condescending to them.
    Hey, it’s the entire basis of modern children’s literature!

  90. Jim North
    January 21st, 2011 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    @Buchholz Surfer (#87): Hahaha! Oh, man, those first three lines together are the best damn thing!

  91. Uncle Lumpy
    January 21st, 2011 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    Chinese vs. Italian pine nuts.

  92. Walker of Dog
    January 21st, 2011 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    MW: Two risky activities: Jill dredging up her fond memories of dead Lonnie and fishnet tube tops, and Scott thumb-wrestling Adrian while driving.

    FW: The dog got mucus on the light switch. Also, Wally asked him yesterday – yesterday – to install a dimmer. Bad Buddy.

    FC: Ah, the 70s. A simpler time when you could take your kid to the adult theater without a bunch of blue-noses getting up in your face about it.
    Now hush, Jeffy – the big snuff scene is coming up.

    A3G: Blaze is no Trey the architect. His substandard model of the Citigroup building is poor compensation for all of Tommie’s backstage degradations.

    Phan: Move over, Michelle Obama’s arms – there’s a new pair of awesome lady-triceps in town.

    S-M: Peter picks up Aunt May by her head, which comes off in his hands. Superhero Fail.

  93. The Ridger
    January 21st, 2011 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    FC: What puzzles me is the huge number of children in the audience here. Clearly this was billed as a “family film” (meaning it’s geared for Jeffy’s age group) but going by what’s on the screen, he won’t be the only kid bored. What gives?

  94. Hamsterpants
    January 21st, 2011 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    Thanks for nothing. Now I have to think about “Family Circus” porn. And you KNOW it’s out there. And I refuse to Google it. Because I am ostensibly working. And if They find out I’m surfing “Family Circus” porn at work, I’m not afraid of getting fired, I’m afraid of being pitied by IT.

  95. LUJBEM FEJF
    January 21st, 2011 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#91): Thanks Lumpy! Very interesting stuff. Although not enough snarking.

  96. The Ridger
    January 21st, 2011 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    JP: Is it possible that that driver is insinuating the Sam killed both Dixie and Dewey? That would be so awesome if it were true. And Sam would have to kill the driver, which might be exciting (except we’d probably just hear about it happening off-screen…)

  97. Maggie the Cat
    January 21st, 2011 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    A3G- Tommie: “Paying me? Well, not exactly… More like an exchange of services.”

    Margo: “Well I guess that Justin Beiber hair is working out for you, then.”

    MW- Meanwhile, Jill is slitting her wrists over the framed photo of herself and Scott. Yeah, she’s moving forward, to the afterlife.

  98. Anonymous
    January 21st, 2011 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Mmm Mmm “Crusty Crunch”, the Cereal Sensation that’s sweeping the nation!
    Look for it today at your local Supermarket!

  99. Calico
    January 21st, 2011 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    @Just Me (#14):
    I was wondering that too. Strange frozen food indeed.
    With Chip being a teen and all, I thought they would have copious amounts of frozen pizza, bagel bites, ice cream, corn dogs (“Pogo” ™ in QC), and Hot Pockets ™.

  100. Calico
    January 21st, 2011 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#98):
    That cereal name sounds curiously disgusting.
    I think Dean Booth or Bats did a mashup when Margo had a box of cereal in hand once – “Colon Blow.” LOL

  101. Calico
    January 21st, 2011 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    @Not Worth It (#85):
    I was thinking abut doing a “Bad Ad” site, but didn’t want any corporate bottom feeders to harass me. Maybe one day…

  102. els
    January 21st, 2011 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    Why is this movie populated almost entirely by children, two of whom are sitting by themselves? “I picked up some movie tickets for you guys; Bambi was sold out, so you’ll be going to Debbie Does Dallas while mommy gets a facial. Enjoy!”

  103. flodnak
    January 21st, 2011 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Peanuts reminds us that even before PowerPoint, slides could be used for evil.

  104. Caroline
    January 21st, 2011 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    Damnit, Spidey, I’m a subterranean minister, not a doctor!

  105. The Modesto Kid
    January 21st, 2011 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

  106. Mark B
    January 21st, 2011 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    I did notice that about Luann. Maybe the reason Shannon is so angry is because she’s aware on one level that the people who are supposed to be helping her are continually lying to her. I’d be pissed off too.

  107. sporknpork
    January 21st, 2011 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    Wow… um… Thelma looks kinda fat here… like really fat… like arm-skin-pouring-over-the-back-of-the-theater-seat fat.

  108. Cooler King
    January 21st, 2011 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    FW: I fully expect to see panels from these recent Funky strips incorporated into those Sarah McLachlan animal cruelty PSA’s by the end of the week.

    FC: This is another one of those strips where Jeffy ends up pantsless, isn’t it?

  109. exapno
    January 21st, 2011 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

    @The Modesto Kid (#105):

    Holy smokes…….both nasty AND a fantasy fulfillment at the same time….

  110. ArchieNemesis
    January 21st, 2011 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#76): That’s pretty much how native Americans in California harvested pine nuts a few hundred years ago. The nuts were a staple of their diet.

  111. Dark Corner
    January 21st, 2011 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#26): Yeah, there’s been something fishy about the “Crock” art of the past couple of days. I’m beginning to wonder if they’re taking the MT and FC route of recycling art from 30 years ago (back when the “characters” had pockets and rudimentary cross-hatching).

  112. Victor Von
    January 21st, 2011 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    “It says so here in Gramps’ papers!” Which papers? His towel papers? Geez, those Civil War records were more detailed than I knew.

  113. LaurenM
    January 21st, 2011 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    That’s not a porno, that’s Blue Valentine! That’s clearly the scene where Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams dressed up in their finest country club-wear and kissed chastely on a grassy knoll. Seems rather risque for the Keane Kompound, but ever since Jeffy made his parents go bye-bye and replaced them with mannequins, he’s been getting to see all the R-rated movies he wants.

  114. ladililn
    January 21st, 2011 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

    *checks article*

    Yep, it’s been done! Likely by some enterprising CC-goer (or, more frighteningly, not).

    In the January 20, 2011, edition of the Spider-Man newspaper comic strip, Peter Parker’s Aunt May is diagnosed with histoplasmosis.[17]

  115. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 21st, 2011 at 7:51 pm [Reply]

    @Not Worth It (#85): I would be all over a blog like that.

  116. Alison
    January 21st, 2011 at 8:56 pm [Reply]

    Heartbroken Mole Man is going to let the love of his life leave him, for her own sake. This is more heroic than anything Spider-Man has done since this strip was created. Let’s just change the title of this strip to “The Amazing Mole Man” already.

  117. Daniel
    January 21st, 2011 at 9:57 pm [Reply]

    Thel’s expression of total contempt is downright Joan Crawfordian

  118. Sgt. Stoned
    January 22nd, 2011 at 12:09 am [Reply]

    MW: Jill’s ex kind of looks like Clark Kent, which would explain his standing her up at the wedding. Probably had to rescue somebody.

  119. Bill Murray
    January 22nd, 2011 at 12:39 am [Reply]

    Scott, paying attention to the ring near Adrian’s finger rather than the road, pays the Bora Bora vacation forward, by running down Jill’s erstwhile husband, played in Jill’s imagination by a picture of Seth Rogan. Judd Apatow is not amused

  120. Crankenstank
    January 22nd, 2011 at 2:04 am [Reply]

    Beauregard Wallet, of course, being Walt’s name before he changed it after his deal with the devil for immortality.

  121. MonkeyShines
    January 22nd, 2011 at 6:20 am [Reply]

    That’s right, kids, be it mountainous subterranean behemoths or microscopic spores, there’s no size villain that Spiderman can’t fail miserably to defeat!

  122. Braniff
    January 22nd, 2011 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    @The Modesto Kid (#105): I have to wonder–are there any other fanfiction posts which are as livid as this one in its depiction of the Family Circus? This one’s a hoot!

  123. sully
    January 22nd, 2011 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    *Note to the Family Circus colorists: When choosing a tone for what one supposes is a coat hanging over the back of mom’s movie theater chair, avoid flesh-tone, thereby not confusing the garment with the arm of some guy copping a feel of Thel’s famously generous bosom.

  124. ChardSwissnym
    January 25th, 2011 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    I am late to the dance here, but what is that wrapped around Mommy’s chair in Family Circus? Is it a scarf made from human flesh? Is FC taking a more surrealist turn?

  125. FOOB-a-rama
    April 28th, 2012 at 1:06 am [Reply]

    This FC comic has to be from the early 70′s, I have it in one of my old Fawcett collections of FC comics.

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