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Blondie, 5/20/09

You know, it used to be that Elmo served as a foil to draw out Dagwood’s barely concealed child-like side, with his penchant for cute little songs and whimsical nostalgia for mass unemployment and the like. But lately, it seems like he’s increasingly forced to stand in for The Kids Today, and specifically for the worst thing that The Kids Today do, which is texting. I suggest that Blondie should just take a solid week that consists entirely of Dagwood shouting “I HATE TEXTING! I HATE AND FEAR IT EVEN THOUGH I ONLY HAVE THE VAGUEST IDEA OF WHAT IT IS OR HOW OR WHY ONE DOES IT! IT MAKES ME FEEL OLD! I’M NOT OLD BUT TEXTING MAKES ME FEEL OLD! IT IS WORSE THAN GENOCIDE!” Once that’s out of his system, the feature can go back to what it does best (i.e., sandwich-based hilarity).

Pluggers, 5/20/09

Boy, the plugger chicken-lady sure is obsessed with her various surgeries, isn’t she? I look forward to this little plugger-plot escalating creepily. “Pluggers always like to keep their old stuff around — you never know when it will come in handy” will be the caption as the chicken-lady opens up a closet full of her jarred organs.

Gil Thorp, 5/20/09

Wow, so it looks like the current Gil Thorp storyline will be not so much “the Internet is terrible” but “don’t put pictures of stuff you don’t want people knowing about, such as pictures of you breaking the law, on the Internet, you stupid jackass.” This is actually a pretty useful lesson for today’s teenagers to learn, so it’s kind of too bad that none of them read Gil Thorp.

Dick Tracy, 5/20/09

“Get it? Because … that’s something you’d say in a poker game? And there’s sort of a card motif going on here? Anyway, long story short, I beat this guy to death.”