TERRIFYING TALES OF TRUE CRIME
Mary Worth, 11/2/11
OMG MARY JUST GO PICK-POCKETED RIGHT THERE IN HER ELEGANT LUNCHING ESTABLISHMENT!! Look at these thugs, with their futuristic whited-out glasses and leather vests and knitted belts and man-necklaces! We all know what that ensemble means: Filthy thieving hippies. Brazen ones too: it looks like after they purloined Mary’s wallet, they walked right around Mary and Toby’s table rather than scurrying off in the other direction, to get the kicks that hard drugs no longer provide.
Sadly, this probably means that there will be no pool party for us, as Mary will be far too busy filing police reports and canceling her credit cards to engage in any such frivolity.
Apartment 3-G, 11/2/11
Every once in a while you realize that the only reason that Lu Ann and Margo have managed to survive this long as roommates is because they function on such entirely different levels that they don’t actually understand what they’re saying to each other. For instance, Margo uses the phrase “bridge-and-tunnel man” to refer to a guy into a certain sexual act so perverse that even she finds it mildly distasteful.
Say what you will about Apartment 3-G’s weirdly New Jersey-focused romance plot, but it has yet to indulge in a single Jersey Shore gag.
It used to be that you could say, “Crankshaft may be a miserable, hateful human being who will soon die alone and unloved, as he deserves, but at least we’re never forced to contemplate what sort of ugly and pathetic libidinous impulses lurk below his crusty, misanthropic surface.” Used to be.