Six Chix, 12/3/17
Congratulations, Six Chix: You’ve created a snail-inhabited Christmas cartoon where I have literally no idea what’s going on! Like, the fact that there are anthropomorphized snails in the foreground implies that we’re in a parallel universe where snails are the intelligent, dominant species and have built a civilization that rivals our own. And yet outside they see not a snail-Santa driving his sleigh, but rather a snail in chains apparently used as a beast of burden. Then there’s the combination of obvious alarm about Christmas’s lateness on the part of our snail-speaker — whatever snails’ other evolutionary advantages in this reality, they’re clearly still comically slow — and “not again!” implying that this isn’t the first time the delivery of presents around the globe was entrusted to an individual wildly unsuited to getting the job done in a timely fashion.
Finally, there’s the real question underlying all of this: if there’s such a thing as snail Christmas, that means there was definitely such a person as Snail Christ.But how do you crucify something that doesn’t have any arms?
“The gold was just lying around here. Kind of like the dismembered body parts of all the people I ‘murder[ed] in the bookstore.’ Wait, did I say that last part out loud?”