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Mary Worth, 9/20/19

Oh my god just when you thought Dawn had gotten over Hugo it turns out that Dawn didn’t have to get over Hugo because he couldn’t get enough of her hot Westontude and he’s flown back from Paris to be with her (or maybe just didn’t get on his plane and got an Uber back from Santa Royale International to Charterstone; the timeframe for Dawn’s moping over the course of this week’s strips hasn’t been exactly clear). It’s perfectly possible that this story will bring America’s lovelorn comics readers the message that if you’re just sad about something intensely enough, you can change the fabric of reality itself, but it’s also possible that this is just all in Dawn’s mind and tomorrow we’re going to smash cut to her cry-masturbating on the couch.

Blondie, 9/20/19

Now, you’re probably wondering: if Mr. Dithers didn’t want to hug his employees, why did he tweet about “Hug Your Boss Day” just this morning? Well, he’s quite aware that he inspires a toxic melange of fear and contempt in his employees; so, by inducing fear that they might have to demonstrate physical affection for him, but then relieving them of that burden, he’s actually left them feeling more motivated and positive at the end of the workday. Say what you will about the old robber baron, but he’s a wily management genius.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/20/19

The big development in this week’s Funky Winkerbean is that Linda is going to learn if Bull (who, if I’m remembering right, was very briefly on the practice roster of the then-St. Louis Cardinals but never actually played in a game) qualifies for the NFL supplemental disability plan. And now that the week is over, we’re finally going to find o–wait, what? It’s only Friday? Uh, shoot, OK, no problem, we can do this in two strips, absolutely, nobody’s going to notice.