Josh contemplates human frailty with varying degrees of sympathy
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Pluggers, 5/11/22
The historian Ronald Syme wrote that the Emperor Augustus, who died at 77, “outlast[ed] the friends, the enemies, and even the memory of his early days,” and I think about that a lot as I get older, about the way that, if you’re lucky enough to live to a ripe old age, you become something of an alien, as the world you grew up in recedes further and further in the past. And what do you get by way of compensation? Well, there’s more life, I suppose, which is not to be sneezed at. And old age maybe takes the edge off a bit by softening our vision and our minds, so we come to perceive the world through a comforting and gradually thickening haze. Unfortunately, modern society and so-called “advanced” medicine has allowed us to reverse this process, so that we can see, with abrupt clarity, the ruin that we have become. As usual, Pluggers, a strip I have been forced to respect more and more, has given me much to think about today.
Gil Thorp, 5/11/22
Speaking of seeing, Nolan Ryan could see, so I don’t know what to tell you, kid. God bless Scooter for sticking up for his tragically blind friend, but as a guy who was once a loser tween who blurted out some ill-thought-out defenses of his fellow losers, I can guarantee you that he will only feel more embarrassed in the coming innings, as Valley Tech sends Greggg flailing aimlessly at bunt after bunt after bunt that he can only hear.
Dustin, 5/11/22
“Can you imagine? It’s 2022! How would we even cash it?”
173 replies to “Josh contemplates human frailty with varying degrees of sympathy”
MW: “Why am I like this, Mary?”
[stifles guffaw] “Well, you’re a patsy, Toby. A doormat. A spineless pushover. God, I’ll bet you wouldn’t even turn away Wilbur.”
CS: Congrats, Batty. You’ve managed to create a story line that is so ridiculously stupid that I am incapable of snarking it. You’ve finally won. You’re the master.
RMMD-They are going to escalate things by using a mop.
JP-“I need to go to the garage and look at muscle magazines.”
FW-Les is checking to make sure the person he hired is doing their job.
Spider-Man-Sider-Man then stands on the dock trying to hail a taxi.
GT: Look, if the Yankees in 2004 were too stupid not to bunt against a gimpy pitcher on wet grass with a pennant slipping away, bunting against a Varsity pitcher with vision trouble isn’t going to work either. Besides, you think word would get around, you know, like other teams scouting?
Luann: Problem solved.
*pause*
Right, Evansii?
*longer pause*
Riiiiiiiiggghhhht???
Baldo: Arguably, the best drama currently in stripdom.
In this switch from Boomer Pluggers to Gen-X Pluggers, the mood has gone from “hell yeah, I’m a Plugger!” to “Good God, I am a Plugger!”
“And that’s hilarious because?” “He is absolutely guilty! It’s great, we have a betting pool going for how long we can go without suborning perjury, I’ve got big money on three weeks.”
@Inspector Gotcha, CS: And that includes whatever Brooke throws up.
MW: “You’re not like anyone else, Toby. YOU CARE…and that’s the difference.”
Judging from the comments bemoaning the stupidity of these storyline over lo! these past many weeks, it looks like Moy finally nailed it.
Pluggers: After pluggers get cataract surgery, the bad news is that they can see the mirror better. The good news is that with such a huge gut in the way, they can’t see it up close.
Gil Thorp: “And also, do you know who else was a clumsy problem drinker who went to jail for reckless driving? Babe Ruth!” “Really? Wow, so there’s a chance for all of us!”
Mary Worth:
— “Why do I care so much? Anyone else would ignore his infatuation or set him straight!”
— “But you’re not anyone else, Toby. You’re a love-starved egotist in a sad marriage who would do anything for the smallest drop of male attention.”
— “Say, you’re right! Gosh, Mary, it’s nice to have a friend who understands me so well.”
Dustin: And in other news, Dustin’s dad has is a mob accountant or something.
At least Pluggers are so fat that their belly prevents them from getting too close to the mirror
“He asked if he could pay with a check. (wry chuckle) Anyway, we’ve got the next few months to look forward to, what with me up nights and weekends trying to assemble a doomed defense and with no earthly hope of recompense. It’s a hoot. Anyway, how’s your spaghetti and watermelon?”
@Charterstoned: “This” not “these.” Jeesh.
MW: Are we supposed to think of Toby as being particularly soft-hearted? I just figured it was the usual Mary Worth blowing up a complete non-issue into a multi-week saga.
D: “It’s hilarious because despite equality before the law, the actual ability to get a fair trial depends on your money! What a joke the system is!”
FW: Priest: “Eternal rest grant unto her, O Lord, and let the perpetual li . . . Hey, you two assholes in the back, you wanna knock it off?!”
JP: “Mary Worth, report to Cavelton STAT!”
RMMD: “We make him sorry he ever hit me with his stupid broom. First we stub out our cigarette butts on the sidewalk. Then we drop these gum wrappers. While he’s busy cleaning that up, we knock over a trash can. We’ll teach him to “mess” with us!”
D: Sure, Dustin’s dad has a job that forces him to deal with the scum of society! But at least he gets enough money to get away from the children he hates and give a nice dinner to a wife with whom he has nothing to talk about!”
Luann: Get ahold of yourself, woman! And change your clothes for once. I bet that cheerleader outfit is getting rank.
9CL: *shows up late to ultrasound with Starbucks*
MW: “You don’t understand. What I’m trying to figure out is, how can I still get railed by Cal while keeping this Helen cat from going to The Management? And I guess there’s my husband to consider but whatever.”
Dustin: Waiter: “I’m sorry, but your credit card has been declined”
MW: Mary: “Another way to look at it isnow Ian won’t believe anything Helen tells him, so have at it!”
GT: Runner: “Who?”
GT: What are the odds this is one of the days Gil is actually coaching the baseball team, sober, paying attention to the game, AND willing to intervene?
I’ve been trying to make a joke about Dustin’s dad chortling over the foibles of his poor clients while eating in a fancy restaurant, paid for by the money he squeezes out of them (cash upfront!) before putting up what will surely be a half-hearted defense that lands them a long prison sentence, but I have decided to sputter inarticulately with rage instead: fffshgrallfstttuuurggh.
“Gregg Hamm mishandles a dribbler” is one of the filthiest-sounding things I’ve heard in “Gil Thorp” — right up there with “Boat wrestling” and “Marty harps on an old one.” (Yeah, I’ve been reading this blog for a while.)
Pluggers – A Plugger enjoys his dementia as he lives more comfortably with his banal and useless life….
GT – You know who else was a bad fielder? Stephen Hawking….
Dustin – And I said, you’ll learn a thing or two about fraud when you experience my so-called barely-going-through-the-motions defense….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
Pluggers: “I … I’m a dog? I had no idea! Now I’m starting to wonder if I’m really such a ‘good boy’ as everyone has been saying.”
GT: Don’t feel badly, Gregg. We’ve all mishandled a few dribblers in our time.
Dustin: I guess Dustin’s dad is drinking red wine and Dustin’s mom is drinking … incredibly red wine.
@matt w: The point is the client is more a con man than a poor person. Not everything needs to be about the class war
Snuffy Smith : Anyone with a premium CK account want to check if that’s true? Also, anyone else WITHOUT a premium account getting paywalled out of the site after reading three comics in the morning?
********
Dustin : DustinDad laughing at how little effort he’ll put in defending his client in court
(putting zero effort in his job is okay when DustinDad does it)is distracting everyone from those wine cups; why is DustinDad drinking wine, and DustinMom drinking KoolAid?********
Funky Winkerbean : this WAS an appropriate moment for Les to smug at Funky with a “I read the ENTIRE newspaper, don’t you?”, why go with the weird (and morbid) “the only gossip I tolerate is celebrity gossip… WHEN THEY DIE”?
********
Gil Thorp : Nevermind every team in the division realising that Gregg Hamm can’t pick up a ball off the ground and throw it to the basemen, more immediately, if Scooter is too busy giving lip to the player on second base, he might screw up telling Gregg what pitches the catcher is signing to him!
********
Luann : if this is the last we ever see of Steff (note that Kip has mysteriously disappeared from the scene as well), I’m okay with it. But I was okay with the last we ever saw of Bets just her up and leaving Gunther dressed as a buttpirate in a fast food parking lot, and they almost immediately brought her back and undid the breakup, so I’m assuming Steff changes her mind and comes back by the end of the year, tops.
Aw, c’mon—Gregg can throw to the basemen OK, it’s just that he gets all turned around and pitches the rest of the game to them.
As a Gen X-er considering relocating, Pluggers is invaluable. I look at where people who actually write in live. I stick a pin in a map. I eliminate everything within a 20-mile radius. I may end up in Europe at this point, though.
“You’re a plugger if you’re developing a grudging respect for Pluggers” is the new “Comic book stories are what comic book publishers choose to publish,” albeit less smug and irritating.
Luann: Stef may be a [monogamous] slutty slut-slut, but she ain’t stupid.
FW: Batyuck doesn’t seem to understand obituaries, which tend to be published BEFORE the funeral. “Did you see the obituary” would be a reasonable thing to ask someone at the gravesite, not “have you started checking the obituaries?” Also, too, “it’s still early days”? WTF, does Tom have some objection to definite articles? No one talks like that—a normal human might say “no, her death was too recent,” but “it’s still early days?” I mean, I know the guy has this conceit that he’s some “master storyteller weaving a tale” but even best-selling authors work with an editor. Maybe TB should hire someone.
DtM: Dennis gets his menace advice from the evil doppelgänger he talks to in the oxidized, antique mirror his mom keeps under a sheet in the attic, which, considering the tepid brand of menace Dennis usually exhibits, is more of a portal to heck than hell.
@brendancalling: Not that this Funky Winkerbean storyline isn’t stupid, but “It’s still early days” is a known expression in some areas, meaning “Just getting started”. I used to have a boss who would use it a lot, as in “It’s early days, but we should be able to have that file completed by the desired date.” I took Les to mean “I just recently started reading obituaries”.
Pluggers: Still dead after all these years.
9CL – Less than a week in, and he’s already having to stretch for punchlines.
Is this just the beginning, and we will have to go around the horn and let all his new couples have baby storylines? Fleurry Spocket and Sven Thbbbzxkt? Arthur Peel and Nan-Lyn Peel? Hideous Crone Gemma and Nazi-wannabe Opera Singer?
He can’t write children. He can’t draw children. He struggles with raising them. But he was born a Catholic and has married everyone off, so this is what’s next. He’s never bothered to try and depict the home life of this couple, and I suspect he’s too lazy to start now, so look for lots of side by side conversations while wandering in the void. “So, how has having twins affected your and Amos’ lifestyle?” “Not at all! They mostly entertain each other and they eat whatever we leave lying around and really have just raised themselves while we boink on the other side of the room! And they constantly praise my incredible beauty! They learn fast….”
Pluggers: That’s actually…. not…. bad. Bravo, Pluggers, bravo!
Pluggers – I looked in the mirror today
My eyes just didn’t seem so bright
I’ve lost a few more hairs
I think I’m, I’m going bald
I think I’m going bald!!!
Ooh, it seems like only yesterday
We would sit and talk of dreams all night
Dreams of youth, and simple truths
Now we’re all, so involved
So involved with life
I walk down vanity fair
Memory lane everywhere
Wall Street shuffles there
Dressed in flowing hair
Go wild!
Once we loved the flowers
Now we ask the price of the land
Once we would take water
But now it must be wine
Now we’ve been
And now we’ve seen
What price peace of mind
Take a piece of my mind
My life is slipping away
I’m aging every day
But even when I’m grey
I’ll still be grey my way
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box: “He can’t write children. He can’t draw children.”
How is that different from the adults in 9CL?
@Anonymous:
“why is DustinDad drinking wine, and DustinMom drinking KoolAid?”
Because you can’t pair wine with spaghetti-and-watermelon.
CS: B-b-but the force of the explosion would have pushed the grill down towards the earth not up towards the…ah, fuck it. Someone, somewhere has inhaled enough petroleum distillates from charcoal lighter fluid to find this story cute.
Pluggers: I’d like to think that all pluggers have no idea that they’re horrible human-animal hybrids at all, and it’s just been their cataracts that have been keeping them from this horrible truth. Dogman is getting it even worse, as he’s also discovering he has a butthole for a mouth.
GT: I don’t care for baseball, or Gil Thorp for that matter, so I’m just going to enjoy the phrase ‘mishandles a dribbler’ quietly by myself.
Dustin: “Anyhow, I send him straight to a public defender’s office, so he’s as good as convicted. More blood, honey?”
GT: Gregg asks Coach Kaz for help;
“I pick up the ball and throw it to who?”
“Naturally.”
“I pick up the ball and throw it to Naturally”
“No! You throw it to Who.”
“Naturally.”
“Now you’ve got it.”
@Joe Blevins: @pugfuggly: Wow, a rare triple oversnark. Many apologies…!
@pugfuggly:
Blood honey sounds like something Klingons would drink.
Can anyone help me out with The Phantom? Are these events actually happening? Are we just in yet another re-tell of Moz’s prophecy (and if so whyyyyy?)
CS – Isn’t this the part where the old man angrily waves his fist and yells “get off my lawn!”?
CS: This story is approaching Monty Python levels of absurdity, and I mean that as a good thing. It seems Batiuk has finally learned a way to write comedy that works for him – which the usual deadpan malapropisms and understated assholery doesn’t really do. Don’t understate things, blow them up out of all proportion and you’re actually getting somewhere.
Of course, it’s nowhere near as funny as Monty Python. In fact, it’s only somewhat funny. But compared to the usual CS standard, it’s a clear improvement. If the comic continues along these lines, it may reach the “quite funny” level in just a decade or so.
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box: “ “He can’t write children. He can’t draw children.”
How is that different from the adults in 9CL?”
He can’t fall back on just having them boink each other all the time.
I hope…..
Dustin: “So I took it. I’m going to wait until I open my bank account from the money from that Nigerian prince before I deposit it, though.”
FC: Oh, Billy, you rebel you! Next, you’re going to drink milk straight from the container!
MW: “You’re not anyone else, Toby. For example, you’ve got an unusual mouth. I mean what’s up with that thing?!?”
CS: It’s a good thing there’s nothing else going on in this universe so they are freed up to report on Crankshaft’s grill.
FW: “But I’m only checking for the ones who’ve played Lisa in a TV or movie production. Fuck those stage plays. Oh, whose funeral is this again? I kid. I don’t care.”
DT: OK, let’s summarize Dick’s your way of working. When setting out to raid the headquarters of a criminal who he knows is armed and dangerous, he brings only his partner, and not a SWAT team or at least a bunch of uniforms. Then he sends his partner off with a henchman and goes after the crime boss alone, without backup.
That’s not realistic police procedure, of course. It’s not even the most basic kind of common sense. But people criticizing the comic for this are barking up the wrong tree. Since when was DT realistic? It has time travel, aliens from the moon who hybridize with earth humans, hideously deformed criminals who wouldn’t even be viable in real life – so why the cry for realism? No, we’ll have to accept that Dick is a Hero, and a Hero doesn’t need backup, he deals with the baddies single-handedly.
Also, going after Coffyhead alone has a big advantage: there won’t be any witnesses to when Dick sends him to his spectacular, gory death.
Pluggers stare in horror as they realize all that’s reflected in their mirror is a sterile, white room. Not their lovely yellow bathroom. Not even the pluggers themselves. Are their minds playing tricks on them? Did someone slip them an hallucinogen? Have their hearts given out as they are having their cataract surgery and is the final irony that they are able to see through the comforting illusion that is to ease them into their eternal rest?
9CL: Wow, I am so checked out on this story. I thought they were still at the concert hall, and Chedda was talking to a relative. I had to go back to the previous day to remember she was at the clinic. Anyway, Chedda, you’re part of a sandwich. The tofurkey, if you will.
Luann: Congratulations, Evansi, you’ve created the most caricatured character ever in your strip! There’s a lot of competition, so that’s pretty amazing.
In dustin: I think Dustinmom is supposed to be drinking rose’. FYI, you can deposit a check in your account by taking a picture of it with your iphone bank ap.
FW: Les regards the obituaries as a personals ad because to him, he’d rather exploit the dead for his personal gain than have to take responsibility for his own emotionally dead marriage.
MW: Toby, you know how to solve the problem but it’s clear that you don’t want to. You’re not a caring person; you’re a lazy doormat of a womanchild who doesn’t want to do anything but drink and play with her horsies while pretending she’s a great teacher. Also, Mary, shut up.
RMMD: Well, looks like Snake is either going to work on making himself a costume and identity on par with the Street Sweeper or he’s going to get a gun. Either way, will that stop the Street Sweeper from trolling drunks?
Good Lord, check out the eyes on that man-dog. Is he looking into his own reflection or a Nietszchean abyss? Or…are they the same thing?
D: Another thing Dustin’s dad thinks is hilarious: attorney-client privilege.
@Anonymous: Not so much a privilege – more of a quaint but often disregarded custom….
Excuse me, is Dustin’s Mom drinking orange wine? It’s certainly distinct from the glass of red that Dustin’s Dad is gulping down in between dominating the conversation. Is this the only trend she’s chasing or is she sneaking a little avocado on her toast while Dustin’s Dad sticks with all-American butter? Watch out, Dustin’s Dad, she’s becoming a millennial under your nose!
MW: You care… and that’s the difference. Most people would just bang the himbo and send him on his way at the end of the semester.
“I have a new client who is hilarious. We’re gonna have him do a tight five on the stand, and then a twenty minute version of The Aristrocrats for closing. He’s going to jail for sure, but I think we can use the trial transcript to get him a Netflix special.”
PSA: If comment sections make you despair for humanity, avoid the comments in today’s Pearls Before Swine.
FUNKY WINKERBEAN: Les: I mainly check the obit;s for celebrities…you know, like my friends Cindy Summers and Mason Jarre. And that Marianne woman who was
stupidgracious enough to give me her hard-won Oscar. And all the awful, awful Hollywood people who made sure I was well-compensated for the movie they bent over backwards to produce. Man I can’t wait for all those jerks to kick the bucket. I’m such a good and lovable person!”FUNKY WINKERBEAN (2): As a reminder Les and Funky could have easily have tossed these vapid little musings about mortality in casual conversation at Montoni’s, but, for once, they wanted a less depressing backdrop.
Pluggers – Not all Pluggers drive Cataracts, some drive Lincolns.
@Rube: “Early days” is a British usage that I mostly associate with period mystery novels. Which may suggest that Les will have an accent soon and wear wellies while carrying his torch to Lisa’s grave in search of her killer.
BB: Beetle also sleeps through sex with Bux, but he pays for it. So she’s good.
GT — Wait, doesn’t Scooter play shortstop? Shouldn’t he be standing on the other side of second base?
Oh, and you know what else Nolan Ryan had? A 100 MPH fastball and a nasty breaking curveball. Does Greggg Hammm have any of those?
REX MORGAN M.D.:
OtoconThug #1: “What do we do then, Snake?”Snake: “Well first I disguise myself as a box and then when The Street Sweeper least suspects it, I hit him with CQC.”
Gil Thorp: You know who was a pretty good Fielder, though? Cecil. Which is pretty ironic, if you think about it, since he was always more of a hitter than a defensive player, and his personal life is pretty much a trainwreck. Only father to hit 50 homers in a season along with his son, though. Sorry, what were we talking about again?
Dustin: Ha ha, it’s funny because the indigent don’t deserve representation!
REX MORGAN M.D: We know “Snake” is a dangerous bad guy because he’s watching 60’s Batman on his Ipad like all hardcore gangstas do!
Pluggers have pulled a reverse Picture of Dorian Gray, in which instead of the compounded consequences of their life choices being hidden away in a portrait in the attic, it’s been clear on their face for everyone, especially the younger generations to see.
Sadly, even with their renewed eyesight, they will not dive into good literature that would help them understand this revelation on more than the surface level, and instead turn their attention to comics like Dustin to feel a smug superiority to future generations already prematurely aged by the consequences of decades of Boomer and Gen X Plugger economic and political choices.
Luann/Sally Forth: Congrats to Sally Forth for being more inane than Luann. That takes some doing.
Gil Thorp: I am stoked to find out how Scooter is going to help Gregg field bunts without anybody figuring out that he is blind. I am hoping it involves the “Cold, colder, ok getting warmer, warm, hot, burning up!” game I used to play when I was a kid.
MORE Gil Thorp: The three panel comic strip is obviously the perfect medium for telling a story about sports, as the spectacle of a blind pitcher chasing a baseball around the infield by following it directly, the same way the dumber of my two cats chases a laser pointer, is limited only by my imagination.
EVEN MORE Gil Thorp: So, this has to expose Blind Gregg, right? All that’s left is for a smug Gil to stand with his arms crossed and say that he knew Gregg was blind all along but they really needed his fastball, and then the crowd at Goshen to show up with dark glasses and canes, holding up signs saying “IF YOU CAN READ THIS YOU AREN’T PITCHING”
@Anonymous: Yeah, what’s with Comics Kingdom paywalling like that? No warning.
Rex Morgan, MILF Diver: The Street Sweeper will be no match for The Dildo Bros. when they catch up with him.
@ken:
Hahaha have you seen a plugger’s phone?
Luann: No problem here. Stef will simply move into Kip’s room, and encourage his roommates to pull the train.
@Old School Allie Cat: “Pluggers – Not all Pluggers drive Cataracts, some drive Lincolns.”
This was a great scene from The Sopranos, where Uncle Junior is trying to tell this joke to the plugger-esque Bobby Bacala.
Of course, mobsters are one of the few groups in America not required to be politically correct, so the punchline came out as “I drive a rin-kin continental!”.
No reaction from Bobby. “Oh, you don’t get it, do you?”
“No, I get it. Guy drives a Lincoln. What’s wrong with that?”
Luann: Poor Stef. Her roommates won’t let her have sex for more than four hours a day. And to add insult to injury, they want to use the privacy hut for the rest of the day. No wonder she hates those egotistical prudes!
@Victory Garden, Luann: “But my Kippie looooooveeesss the smell of me, right?” {Kippie is uncomfortably held by her while he is wearing a hazmat suit.}
MW: So, NOW Toby admits that Cal has the hots for her? Was she oblivious or devious? If the latter , I have some respect for her.
FW: Les doesn’t need to read the obits; he’s a walking, talking, moping obituary all by his little self.
GT – You know who else mishandled a dribbler? Your mom. When you were a baby.
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box:
Exactly the joke I was referencing. Although, I remember it from Elementary School, not my time in the mafia.
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box: That is possibly my favorite scene in that series, just ahead of the ‘interior decorator‘…
Pluggers: Pluggers are old and decrepit #3845.
“You know who else was a bad fielder? Frederick Barbarossa, the Holy Roman Emperor! Quick, while he’s confused, pick him off!”
FW: So has Les joined a celebrity deadpool?
Flunking Wrinkled Brains: “When I wake up,first thing I do is check the obits, if my name’s not listed,I get out of bed.”–Nathan Burnbaum.
Mark Trail Mix: But……has Mark won over the evil beavers? That’s the question,he’s always had trouble understanding them.
@pugfuggly: “Now, is tragic figure….”
When the episode first aired, I was working for these four Ukranian computer software developers, who offered me a translation of the dialogue during the infamous “dig your own grave – give it some of that old Siberian action” scene.
“You think this is cold! Nya! I wash my balls in icewater you Guinea whores! I’ll piss on your graves yet!!”
Oh, and Tony cracks up when Bobby walks in wearing his hunting outfit, but not just because of how he looks in the outfit. Apparently, below camera level, Bobby has a giant dildo sticking out of his pants, which Gandolfini did not expect, hence his genuine laughter at seeing him.
GT: Well if the teams get bonus runs for baseball trivia Milford is still very much in this thing.
Pluggers: Hey, you choose to live without owners who might take the option to put you down, you live with the aging process.
love is… flat feet.
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box: Ha ha, nice. god I love that show.
MW – “Why am I like this, Mary? Why do I care so much about hurting Cal?”
“Because somewhere in that ditzy head of yours, tiny wheels are spinning to try to figure out a way you can still bang him. I can see the smoke coming out of your ears, Dear.”
Dustin
Reality Bites #1: Any law firm larger than one operating out of a mini-mall would have done a check on a client’s ability to pay beforehand and set up a payment system (wire transfer most likely.)
Reality Bites #2: A coworker of mine had worked in a Boston law firm years previously that represented a number of clients who were accused of being in Organized Crime. Their payment system was a paper bag full of cash every Friday. She knew because she was once asked to witness an attorney pulling the money out and counting it to make sure the payment wasn’t “light.”
Luann: The Privacy Hut will be popular, since you can get away from the other three jerks for four hours at least.
Cranky: So, four years ago, was there a strip where Cranky’s grill was literally blown off the face of the earth? Has Baithook been saving this gag for four years? No doubt others are researching this as I write, or even before I wrote.
Okay, I had to cut my comics reading a little short because Comics Kingdom decided to paywall everything after a certain number of clicks, annoying since they run ads. Anyway, here’s what I got.
FC: Needless to say, there’s a lot going on here, what with Jef Keane ragging on his brother for artistic inadequacy on a strip which said brother has never drawn.
FW: “Started checking the obituaries?” I’m sure Les has at least three apps on his phone for that express purpose.
Mannequin on the Moon I can think of few combinations less wholesome than an Oz fixation and a cuckold fantasy.
MT: Does winning over the woodworkers entail turning them into Pikachus?
MW: It depends on your criteria, of course. Being insensitive to Cal’s feelings could at least provide more grist for the strip if he were to wage a vendetta on Toby’s boytoy second husband in twenty years.
Juggs Parker:
GallantAbbey pours her wine into a glass before slugging it down and doesn’t pass the bottle. Meanwhile,GoofusSam drinks his from the bottle, backwashes it back, and offers it to the girls.If you’re annoyed at CK limiting you to three strips, do what I do. Save each strip in its own bookmark and stick it into a “comics” folder. When you open a folder under the Bookmarks menu (at least in Firefox), at the very bottom is an option: “Open all in folder.” I’ve got 20+ in this folder.
My opinion on the alienation of old age is, the world can never leave you behind if it’s only told you you don’t belong from day one. And that’s why I’m never going to die.
@Artist formerly known as Ben: I’ve been using the Seattle Times – has nearly all the strips usually discussed here and I have dedicated links for a couple they don’t.
@White Rabbit: “Luann: The Privacy Hut will be popular, since you can get away from the other three jerks”
… and have a private jerk all to yourself! With a convenient excuse already established for the resulting smell, and the stains!
@Kevin On Earth: Gil Thorp is seldom shown coaching, but this season he’s so far below the minimal standards for attentiveness that he must want his name taken off the strip. You start listing the things that should have tipped him off to Gregg’s blindness before he threw a pitch in a game – required physical, fielding practice, batting practice, walking, inability to read the board in classes, etc. – and instead of running out of things Gil missed, just end up shaking your head and muttering.
Pluggers are so lonely they’ll stand in front of the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary, just so they can see another face, even one that’s going to kill them. Pluggers are also so pathetic that the she-demon doesn’t even show up to rend their flesh from their bones, so they’re left listlessly chanting her name until someone else needs to use the bathroom and interrupts them.
Dustin: So, the client is charged with two counts of this, four counts of that, and 16 counts of something else.
Can you guess what our mathematical malefactor plans next? Slylock Scudder knows the score!
// Slylock Scudder predicts: A crime spree! 256 counts of… probably check kiting.
@cheech wizard: Sounds like a sound plan. If this is a permanent thing at CK I’ll probably do something like that.
9CL And exactly what delayed Hugh? It’s not like he was hung up at work and couldn’t get out of the office. They live together. They work together. They eat at the diner together. But they decided to go separately to the doctor to find out something they already know, that she is pregnant. If I was Xiulan, I would definitely want to know why he is wearing the same yellow turtleneck the nurse was wearing yesterday.
Dustin: “Speaking of deadbeats, leeches on the back of society really, how’s our son today? Ha ha! I’m a great dad!”
Well, I hit the Comics Kingdom paywall, too, although I was able to access more than three strips and did get through most of my list. I saw Vintage A3G but not the other vintage strips I follow.
Frazz – Take the most inane subject you can think of, blather about it for a full week while you flail your arms, and smugly insult anyone who isn’t into fanatical exercise. Congratulations! You have just written Frazz.
9CL – Throughout this pregnancy reveal, Xiulan has repeatedly said, “I’m a mom.” I would think that most women, on discovering that they’re pregnant, think that they’re going to have a baby, and start thinking about the baby. Instead, it’s “I’m a mom. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.” What a wonderful start – having a narcissistic for a “mom.”
FW – Mr. “It’s Called Writing” has sure written some clumsy conversations this week.
MW – Oh, for fuck’s sake. Toby can’t talk to Cal because she “cares,” which makes her different from every other human being on earth? Does she think that talking to him means storming up to him with steam coming out of her ears and screaming, “Listen, you moron! Stay away from me!” It’s possible to have a conversation while being compassionate and considerate of the other person’s feelings. That’s how a mature, rational adult would handle it. But no, let’s drag Ian along so Cal sees you together. That’ll surely solve the problem.
Paywalled Comics Kingdom needs an eye roll emoticon for voting.
Well, I am disappointed…several of the vintage strips at comicskingdom are now locked behind a paywall…including the ones I’ve been enjoying for a while. It was inevitable, I guess…no hard feelings, as they are a for-profit company and can do as they like…I’m just sad that I can no longer follow my favorite stories! :-(
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box: Brilliant.
@I speak Jive: 9CL – Throughout this pregnancy reveal, Xiulan has repeatedly said, “I’m a mom.”
I noticed that too, it does feel off and self-centered. And she passes on the opportunity to announce to Hugh “you’re going to be a dad!”, which is suspicious given that he apparently had no idea she could even be pregnant based on his initial reaction on being told, where he is more concerned with her referring to her urine than he is with her news.
Hugh doesn’t announce “sorry I’m late” or anything he just apologizes for being “a bit delayed”. Maybe he’s taking a test of his own and is having his usual problems with peeing into a cup without being safe at home on his own potty?
9CL – You aren’t a mom until you have a baby. Anyone can get pregnant these days, apparently even men. Raising a child is a different story altogether.
Edda’s pregnancy story was taken up by Amos’ letters to her twins telling what a hot mom they will have. And by her finding out she was having twins, and that there was some complication that meant they could both die but that God himself had promised everything would be fine.
What is he going to do with Chedda’s pregnancy? We don’t know anything about her home life. Will being pregnant interfere with her running her airline? Or producing that TV show? Or being a touring musician who occasionally actually performs at her own concerts when it isn’t too inconvenient for her?
Bets are that Brooke has given none of this any thought beyond “first comes love then comes a church marriage then nine months or more later a baby can respectably be birthed” and the plot will resemble most other recent plots where it’s clearly just made up as he goes.
@jenna: Yep. Either the colorist misunderstood what was meant by the term “orange wine” or Dustin’s mom has decided to pair her watermelon & overcooked spaghetti with a dessert wine (either vin santo or tawny port).
MW – Look, Toby, this shouldn’t be hard. Cal likes Frisbee. Dogs like Frisbee. You couldn’t understand why Saul Wynter was sad when his dog died, so why don’t you just bring that callous indifference to this whole Cal thing and have done with it?
@Little Guy: Yesterday’s Baldo was better – she had proudly handed the too quickly finished quiz to the teacher and the teacher just stared at it like she had been handed a turd. It takes talent to nail that expression.
Pluggers: It’s funny because pluggers are ugly.
MW: “Why am I like this??” Toby cries. It is gratifying to see her engage in serious soul-searching in the midst of her latest existential crisis. Toby, sincere introspection will give you much-needed clarity and wisdom, and you will no longer need to cry your way through your daily encounters with ordinary people.
How to say you’re a Plugger without saying you’re a Plugger:
“As usual, Pluggers, a strip I have been forced to respect more and more, has given me much to think about today.”—Josh
@Daisy: Update: Now I discover that *all* the comics are blocked on my computer (although I was able to access them on my phone); it was just on my PC that they were blocked with a paywall. Maybe they screen visitors by IP address and then block the most frequent users to entice them to subscribe? Just an uneducated guess. I shudder to think that an innocuous site like “Comics Kingdom” has become part of the dark web!! IS NOTHING SAFE ANYMORE??? That’s it…I’m going through my house and triple-locking all the doors and drawing the curtains and blinds shut and silencing the phones. I’m in full survival mode now.
@Hibbleton: Ah. The mirror of ssenemal.
@Anonymous: #24
Yes – I did!!! I’m not a subscriber, so to them, I’m a freeloader, I guess. :-p
@Daisy: re CK: My “situation” is the opposite – I was paywalled out this morning while checking the vintage comics on my phone, but can access them on my laptop by entering through an A3G bookmark I set up a few years ago. Also no spinning crown that way. I only go there to read several vintage comics. As others have mentioned, Seattle Times is the way to go for most of the CK comics and many of the GoComics that are discussed here. I get a lot of enjoyment from the vintage comics I follow, but no way am I going to pay money to those chiselers to read them.
@Daisy: Thanks for mentioning reading CK on your phone. I just now managed to read Vintage JP, Juliet Jones, and King of the Mounties on my phone.
I access Comics Kingdom on my Kindle like @Arabella: does, through a bookmark to Vintage A3G.
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box: Your mention of Amos writing the “Dear little ones” letters reminded me that Edda was really looking forward to telling her children all about every detail of how they were conceived. I wonder if she’s done that yet. It would explain a lot.
@Arabella: #119 Thank you for that – I’ll be checking the Seattle paper from now on. I absolutely agree, too, about paying for a subscription to CK. :-p
@I speak Jive: #120 You’re very welcome! At least I know I wasn’t singled out…these are treacherous times we live in, after all! *grin*
I’ve lost any and all sympathy for Toby at this point. She knows what her problem is and how to solve it but it’s very clear that she’s not wanting to put any effort in solving it. Hell, she sounds like she enjoys the fact that Cal has a crush on her considering that she told Ian (who informed her of said crush in the first place) his crush on her was genuine unlike Jannie’s flirtations with Ian with a big idiotic grin on her face. Toby’s not a caring and sensitive person; she’s an egotistical bitch who can’t/won’t do anything to help herself because she’s so used to being coddled and infantilized to think that her behavior is perfectly fine if she doesn’t take responsibility for her actions.
Pluggers has been replaced with Struldbruggers
@I speak Jive: 9CL – “Edda was really looking forward to telling her children all about every detail of how they were conceived. I wonder if she’s done that yet.”
She has. It was a thirty second conversation. Thus, longer than the actual conception. Amos was not present for this discussion. Thus, like the actual conception.
9CL: I agree with the weirdly timed “mom” commentary (mommentary?). Suddenly Every Cell is Precious and It’s Definitely A Baby!!! and all that. I don’t know. It’s skeeving me out. Write a pregnancy arc, sure! I don’t think I went around saying “I’m a mom” when I was pregnant. I think I would, at the most, say “I’m having a baby!” And then cross my fingers and hope that that ends up being the case.
Lord, Brooke, don’t try to write a miscarriage, please (this just occurred to me). It would be worse than that one comic whoever that was.
@Victory Garden: Ctrl Alt Del is the name.
@Needless_Exposition: Right, I’ d forgotten about that. As Wikipedia notes:
In 2008 Buckley published the critically-panned strip “Loss”, the culmination of a storyline in which Ethan and Lilah were expecting their first child. In the strip Ethan discovers that Lilah’s pregnancy had ended in a miscarriage, a significant tonal shift in a comic typically known for humorous situations. In an interview with Joystiq on August 29, 2008, when asked about the comic, Jerry Holkins of Penny Arcade said that “Tim Buckley is the antichrist, and I think [that] storyline was the first horseman of the Apocalypse”, while Mike Krahulik stated “I think he’s an art criminal.” “Loss” later became an internet meme in its own right, with Aryehi Bhushan of Varsity referring to it in 2017 as “infamous” and “the internet’s largest meme juggernaut”.
Locked out of CK, too, after a few reads. I can find most on the Washington Post site, and I don’t have to feel guilty ’cause I pay for the WP online service and they pay CK for the strips. A disadvantage is they’re pretty small on the screen. Also, no Phoebe and her Unicorn, which I don’t understand at all, but fortunately it’s accessible on GoComics, at least for now.
Speaking of comics (that’s what we are doing, right?) two strips got audible chuckles out of me today: Red and Rover and Arctic Circle.
@I speak Jive:
I hit the wall, too, but, weirdly, was able to read the strips by blowing up the “buy a print.”
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box:
“s this just the beginning, and we will have to go around the horn and let all his new couples have baby storylines?”
If Brooke ever gets to Thorax and Esme, that will be the final straw.
MARY WORTH: Ok, you know what? I don’t even care if you’re a crazy-eyed yandere anymore, Helen; you go right ahead and report Toby to “school management”, because someone this vacuous and indecisive has no business being an instructor in any case. Getting her dumb-ass fired would be doing the school a favor, bullshit rationale or no.
@Unca $crooge:
9 Chickweed Lane never goes around the horn. The Horn is its Alpha and Omega.
@2+2=7: Toby is a terrible teacher for adult students. If Santa Royale wasn’t child-free (every child who’s come over has always been a visitor), she could have been a preschool aide. But, nope, they made this softheaded bimbo a college instructor who just gives her students constant platitudes and no constructive criticism. They’re adults, Toby; they can handle it when someone tells them their line work is shaky as shit.
FC: I’m not sure which possibility is sadder: the idea that Billy could no more remember the phrase “lined paper” for ten minutes than he could actually follow instructions, or the idea that Big Daddy Keane, professional cartoonist, really does call it “paper that has lines on it”.
JP: There are many conversation starters you can use to try to break an awkward silence. Very few of them are guaranteed, but any variant on a sarcastic “Well, this sure isn’t an awkward silence” should not be in anyone’s top 500.
Incidentally, it’s been so long since Sam and Abby have been in the strip, I don’t even remember what they’re mad about. (This is in no way a request for information, I’m perfectly content with this situation.)
MW: Mary is just straight out admitting that she assumes everyone she doesn’t know personally — and most of the people she does — is a hollow emotional void, huh? I mean, I’m not exactly surprised to learn this…
Or maybe she means “most people don’t care” in the sense that most people stopped caring about this storyline weeks ago.
LUANN: I hope they don’t get rid of the Privacy Hut though. I loved their “BookIt” program. The chance of getting a free pie every Friday is a good deal and…what is everyone looking at?
LUANN (2): I don’t get why finding a place to hump is that hard? Why doesn’t Stef simply do it in that trans-dimensional wormhole that Kip seemed to have suddenly disappeared to?
@Unca $crooge: #130
When I tried that on my computer, it opened up an email window addressed to KFSReprint@hearstsc.com with the message “I am interested in buying a print of the 2022-05-11 00:00:00 edition of [insert name] comic.” Hmmm.
@Horace Broon:
Ces Marciuliano: “Hell, do I even know what they are pissy about anymore? (Giggles). Oh listen to me talk, as if these people need a reason for overwrought histrionics. I can be so silly sometimes…OOH, LOOK AT THAT….”(insert train of thought being derailed by some pop-culture flotsam on TV and/or something shine here.)
Pluggers: I am glad Dogman had his cataract surgery. Now maybe he can see well enough to find his dentures.
I don’t wear my glasses around the house because when I do I can see my wrinkles in the mirror.
FW: Still on the obituaries? My late mother worked at the Somewhere headquarters of a fraternal organization. Back in the old days, the funeral notice would usually include the logo of different groups like Oddfellows, Masons, or Elks. Mom would go through the local papers looking for the logo so she could update the records and send a sympathy note to the family.
Pretty sure Less isn’t sending out sympathy notes!
@2+2=7: Whoa, I loved when my children got the Privacy Hut “BookIt” coupons!
@I speak Jive: (on 9CL) It’ll only get better when she actually has the baby (babies?), shows up late to a concert, and tells the paying audience to fuck off, because she’s a mom, and the best damn mom ever in the whole world at that.
FW: The reason they’re standing around talking at the graveside service, is that they’re waiting for the guest of honor, who’s not quite dead yet. This being Westview, the service will contain the lines, “Ashes to ashes and dust to dust/If dementia don’t get you, then the cancer must.”
@Someone Somewhere: re-FW: Les should’ve cut the paper a break on the spelling error. They’re down to one elderly staff member and he’s missing an arm.
JP – This happened quite a while ago, but aren’t Sam and Abby not talking to each other because of the video the mayor filmed? It was drone footage taken the night of the B& B fire that showed a woman who apparently looked like Abby carrying fire starting materials into the B & B. Sam must think that Abby started the fire so is distancing himself. He hasn’t tried to talk to her about it, so he must care, unlike other people. Maybe if Ian Cameron dropped in they could reconcile.
Flunking Wrinkled Brains: So Crazy Harry’s last name is Lime?
Do “Crankshaft” fans prefer being called “Crankees” or “Crankers”?
@Pozzo: Boat wrestling was in JP. (One of Neddy’s friends got a full boat wrestling scholarship!) GT, however, gave us “Liz Ritter all but forces Stormy Hicks to go to the Bucket.”
@146 Garrison Skunk:
Cranksters.
@Inspector Gotcha:
MW: “Why am I like this, Mary?”
_______________________________
“Because we had the portion of your brain that makes intelligent statements cut out, Toby.” “Brain and brain,what is brain?”
@Someone Somewhere: FW – Would you want to get a sympathy note from Les?
Dear Whoever,
My deepest sympathies. You surely know that my wife, Lisa, is dead. I took her to her chemo treatments and even did the grocery shopping. It cut into my free time, but I did it, even though she wouldn’t have sex with me while she was undergoing chemo. I worried about her constantly and hoped that she would beat cancer, but it came back. The doctor screwed up by misfiling her test results. Maybe I should have done something about that, but I was busy. Then she died, and I had to go to her funeral and all, plus she left a small child for me to raise without any help. It’s been tough, let me tell you. I wrote a book about it, and I even let an actor I know make a movie. I didn’t like the direction the first movie was going, so I sabotaged it. The second movie was okay, though – my good looking actor friend played me. The actress who played Lisa even won an Oscar, which she gave to me because I was so inspiring.
I’m enclosing a copy of my book, “Lisa’s Story,” so you can see what I went through. If you want it autographed, just come to one of my book readings. Usually you have to buy the book there, but I can make an exception for you.
Regards,
Les Moore
@Garrison Skunk: Got the reference!
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box:
Fun fact: I Think I’m Going Bald was an intentional parody of a KISS tune since the two bands were friendly and touring with each other at the time but I forget which song it was
@jnoble: that would be “Going Blind,” and it’s awesome.
@Rube: He’s been reading them for years, and has a collection that’s stuck together.
When you check the thesaurus for the synonym for “reality,” Luann shows up as the antonym.
MW: I think Toby has supplanted Wilbur as the most unlikeable character for me. I remember several stories ago when Saul Winter and his chihuahua were first introduced (at a pool party, I believe) and Toby kept referring to him as “old man Winter,” which was rude and immature to begin with, but then the last straw was when she showed little to no sympathy for the poor man when his beloved pet died. She showed her true colors then, and hasn’t shown any capacity for growth in character, so do I care about her latest little problem? No, I do not. This is utter drivel. Oh dear Lord – is…is Toby morphing into the “Edda” of Charterstone???
GT – The Valley Tech baserunner’s response should have been pretty easy: “Hey Scooter, you know who didn’t win the Golden Glove in 1957? Ray Charles.”
@Everything Is Better With Monkeys: You might have to cross Rome off your list too.
@158 Peanut Gallery:
He may need to stay away from this blog as well. ‘Mudgeons have submitted ideas to Pluggers and had them published.
Pluggers: The good news is they can see better. The bad news is they can see better.
@Joe Blevins:
Pluggers: “I … I’m a dog? I had no idea! Now I’m starting to wonder if I’m really such a ‘good boy’ as everyone has been saying.”
________________________________________
“This puts my attraction to Cassandra Cat in a whole new creepier light.”
“And that’s hilarious because?” “Oh, it’s not, he just also happens to be really funny. If his whole personality were defined by his rap sheet, Dick Tracy would get involved and he’d never even get to speak to a lawyer.”
@I speak Jive: Probably not! And your example is so perfect; are you sure you aren’t Less Moore?
@Someone Somewhere: I thank God that I’m not. I’m even more thankful that I’m not Lillian McKenzie.
@164 I speak Jive:
I know who you are. Barbara Billingsley!
@Sequitur: Shhhhh!
@166 I speak Jive:
I won’t breath a word.
If only you can get The Beaver to shut up.
@Sequitur: I’m worried about the Beaver.
@168 I speak Jive:
Gosh, Mom. The Beaver does seem to be messed up and stuff.
MW: Vapid Toby Face Scoreboard Day Seventy-Eight — Vapid 46, Non-Vapid 86
Great. Fabulous. Now it looks like I’ll have to try to subscribe to COMICS KINGDOM, and I seem to recall enough grousing about their crummy website and crummy service, here on CC, that I suppose they will be hacked and my credit card number will be used to purchase a new Lada Vesta somewhere in Chelyabinsk.
GA; Oh my gawd. Two days ago I said to myself, I said, that littlest freak with the flying-tail helmet is going to be kidnapped by the fugly shoplifters, isn’t she. Then I said to myself, I said, no, that would be way too much even for GASOLINE ALLEY.
I hate when this happens.
GT: Other writers –
*Word gets around not to bunt off Gregg or get beaned*
*Word gets to the coaches*
*Word gets to Gil*
*Gil has a word with his players, finds out Gregg is blind*
Rubin –
*Word gets around not to bunt off Gregg or get beaned*
*Never bring it up again, satisfied that a plot hole has been filled*
Luann: Revised P3: “Again, Boo-Freaking-Hoo! HEY STEF! Get your Kip-loving ass out here! I have a T-Shirt of mine for you. You think YOU’RE the only one who had failure issues with family disconnect?”
FW: No, Batty, it started with Lemmy at the end of 2015. Check it out.