Wilbur’s no plugger — his dreams are too big
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Mary Worth, 1/12/23
Are we all disappointed that Wilbur didn’t somehow make a spectacle of himself at Iris’s wedding? Yes, of course. But today we at least get a little consolation prize, which is learning that Wilbur made peace with Iris “in his heart,” which I take to mean that he did not make peace with her “in a conversation in which he apologized for his various misdeeds.” And why would he, since doing so would ruin the “bad boy reputation” that will draw Iris back to him once she and Zak inevitably break up!
You know, despite his occasional drunken implosion or jealous rage, Wilbur is actually a fairly cheerful and optimistic guy. Why wouldn’t he be, after all? He shouldn’t be alive, but he is! Everything after this point is just gravy!
Pluggers, 1/12/23
Ha ha, it’s funny because pluggers are in too much physical pain to perform even basic grooming tasks, because they’re old and decrepit!
178 replies to “Wilbur’s no plugger — his dreams are too big”
Bizarro: And you’d better give the genie a “happy ending” if you want him to give you your happy ending/wishes.
Dustin: If DustinDad needs “loose fitting inexpensive clothing,” he needs to go to a Plugger’s garage sale. TJ Maxx won’t have anything that fits. (TK Maxx for those of you in the UK)
Mary Worth: That’s so Wilbur! [cue laugh track and closing credits.]
MW: Knowing what a sloppy drunk Wilbur can become, his friends should have kept closer tabs on him at this reception. He’s clearly had way too much mayonnaise.
RMMD: June leaves. Takes out a man’s wallet and starts counting greenbacks while speaking to herself and smiling; “That was a lot easier than rolling a drunk.”
MW – Oh, Wilbur! You old diamond in the rough, you! I mean, Mary – you are hearing this – is it possible that he’s just an irredeemable asshole?
“I’ll be there to pick up the pieces, then Iris and I will eventually get married… Although seeing as I just stated that strategically, most marriages end in divorce, we’re doomed to split as well. Making this entirely pointless for me.”
Oh man, just realized that the prophet Elisha is what happens if you give a Plugger the power to call down death on his enemies (small children).
RMMD: “Rex, just pour me a scotch and go away; you wouldn’t believe the day I had! No, seriously, you wouldn’t believe it—it was all Medical and patients and stuff!”
We need a “Mary forehead-slap” emoji.
@Old School Allie Cat:
MW: “That’s not my asshole; it’s a quirk! Got another one of those around her somewhere; lemme see ….”
MW-Here’s the worst thing about Wilbur. He would wait for Iris to possibly divorce Zak and then he would break up with whoever he conned into at the moment just so he could date Iris again. George Costanza would call that mean.
RMMD-Heart attack in aisle four!
MW-Mary then picks up a knife and jams it into Wilbur’s hand.
JP-“I think you want to run off and have wild adventures with Ted Forth.”
FC: The root of Jeffy’s imbecility becomes clear. The idea that some fantastical stories are to be treated as fairy tales while others are to be regarded as literal truths has broken his young mind.
Weelbur shouldn’t be alive.
And it is a pity that he is.
Wilbur has found a more subtle way to ruin Iris’s wedding – by showing up in the most hideous suit he can find so he ruins all the photos.
@Old School Allie Cat:
There are redeemable assholes?
GT: Well, this could be titillating, if there were any chance that the plot would develop beyond today.
MW: “Most likely to give Mary Worth a facepalm moment.” Did anyone NOT have Wilbur?
@Liam:
MW-Mary then picks up a knife and jams it into Wilbur’s hand.
I presume Ian is the one wielding the garrote. A little harsh, even by CC standards.
Mary’s aged twenty years during the course of this wedding.
As have we all.
MW: Wilbur, as usual, is wrong factually and morally. First, most marriages don’t end in divorce; only about half of them do. Second, only about forty percent of first marriages end in divorce. (Anyone remember whether Iris is a widow or a divorcee?) Third, dude, talk about making it clear that you actually haven’t reconciled yourself to the fact that Iris doesn’t want you anymore and that any “help” you offer her will be a transparent attempt to get back into her pants.
On the plus side, this does imply that Estelle is still free of him, so that’s good.
@matt w:
If that Plugger tries to summon a bear to vex his child taunter, that’s just going to lead to that kid getting to mock TWO pluggers for being bald.
Pluggers: This one doesn’t sound quite right. A true Plugger will tell you about the time they had the most painful ingrown hair you’ve ever seen.
Wilbur once again expressing how sexually intimidated he is by Zak with one breath, planning fanatasies with the next in which he doesn’t so much reconquer Iris as happen to be present when she’s forced to settle for him, and doing the whole thing with a smile on his face. Get ready to have your previously-rocked world resteadied, he thinks, followed by a wink and a double thumbs-up. Honestly, this is the consistently amazing psychosexual weirdness you just don’t get at Rex Morgan, MD.
MW: Actually, it’s only about half of new marriages which end in divorce. Over time, the amount of non-divorces keep accumulating until the yearly divorce rate among all marriages is relatively low. In other words, Wilbur better get moving if he wants to sabotage this union before it sets.
MW: Wilbur, Wilbur, even if Iris and Zak do eventually divorce she’ll end up so effing rich from the settlement that you’ll be even more out of her league than before. You’ll be competing with Cher and Madonna’s former boy toys.
MW: I really think it’s time that Wilbur got his own strip. Not some silly serial drama, but a hilarious gag-a-day comic where the punchline is that Wilbur is a drunken, horny loser. Here’s a sample:
MARY: Wow, is it cold outside! Mother Nature sure isn’t being kind to us today.
WILBUR: Mother Nature? Is there a Father Nature in the picture or would she be available for drinks tonight? /wiggles eyebrows/
MARY: WIL-BURRRRR! /slaps forehead/
Pluggers: are in too much pain to even notice that their grandkids have developed unholy powers of levitation. Say goodbye to your eternal soul, Gramps!
MW: “How are you doing, Wilbur? Are you okay?”
****
“Absolutely! To take my mind off things, I’ve just joined S.C.A.R.F.!”
****
” ‘S.C.A.R.F.?!? What does that stamd for?”
****
“Swallow Completely All Reception Food!”
Mary? Hon? Quick tip: you have an entire table. You don’t have to sit so close to Wilbur that you’re practically in his lap. If you don’t want to smell like Eternity For Men By Calvin Klein until the heat death of the universe, maybe scooch your chair over a few inches. Or feet. Or, better yet, sit at any table in the world other than this one and leave Wilbur to, I dunno, eat the centerpiece (or, to be accurate, the edge-of-the-table-piece).
Thank God for the horrible, constant pain that is the only thing preventing Pluggers from making a comb-over! Truly among the crimes of oxycontin we can add crimes to taste!
I actually don’t know whether most marriages end in divorce (if they do now or if they ever did), but Wilbur is an old journalist with a secure column, so spouting dubious factoids is part of his job! (If he were younger, he’d spout them on Twitter)
Wilbur makes a dumb comment. Mary facepalms in a cartoonish way. Freeze-frame. Cue the Wilbur theme (“If you like Piña Colada…”). End credits
MW: “No, I meant are you medically okay? Because there are multiple signs that you are not, starting with your facial expression and your lack of bladder control.”
Mary Worth – Of course Wilbur, who writes an advice column for a living dealing with the subject of relationships, is 35 years behind the times on divorce statistics, and even then wrong. The divorce rate is much younger among the younger population, and the more affluent, both of which would include Zak.
Pluggers – Grim stuff. I guess we can be glad this Plugger isn’t addicted to opioids?
Wilbur: “Who’s that hottie who looks remarkably like a younger Iris?” (Eyes change to heart symbols, tie rolls up and flaps round and round.)
Wilbur’s pretty resilient. He’s already planning to mend Iris’ broken heart the first time Zak calls her Nan and wants yummy in his tummy. And Estelle’s left with the piano and Pierre the failed Frenchie chick magnet and Libby. Meow!
Pluggers: It’s invisible to children, but pluggers know communism is always there, attacking our joints with its little black tentacles.
DtM: Okay, I’ll give Dennis this one, wearing blackface is pretty menacing.
9CL: One, what a pile of gibberish. Even following this strip daily, it’s barely possible to sift through these linguistic mass graves Brooke keeps digging. Two, Amos’s biblical understanding is abominable. God ordered the whales and seagulls to start the “hokeypokey” on the fifth day (Genesis 1:21-23). Three, and this is maybe a small one, but why does Sister Steven wear a crucifix necklace that hangs low enough to reach her groin? Actually, don’t answer that.
JP: The impending threat of meth gang, corrupt cop, and killer junkie judge death squads has been put on hold for now, as it’s suddenly time for Abbey to ignorantly and arbitrarily analyze her ex-husband Sam’s mental health. It turns out Sam is doing things he doesn’t want to do because he doesn’t do the things he doesn’t do. Fascinating. Sam, of course, will be allowed no commentary on this matter himself.
Luann: It’s very odd that Luann is so negative about romance novels that she was openly mortified to learn that her friend and mother read them in private, yet she is willing to bring out a romance novel herself in public. But hey, what’s a little severe character inconsistency among friends? Also strange that Nancy and Bernice gave Luann that copy of Peek of Passion (which they were very eager to read and have not yet done so) instead of Hard Days, Harder Nights (to which PoP is the sequel). Drawing another book cover for the first book would just be too much work, though, especially with the intricate detail Greg put into the sequel’s unillustrated brorange cover.
GT: “Lesbians! Bisexuals! Non-Binary! Getcha score cards! You can’t tell who is dating who without one!”
Gang, Luann comments are fucking LIT UP this morning. I’m not sure if it’s an Incelebration or a meeting of the Senior Anti-Sex League, but I nearly spit coffee all over the counter this morning.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE how this commenter puts spaces between the letters of “sex,” “lusting,” and “ass.” But really, the whole diatribe is a work of art. I call that work of art “tell me you’re a virgin in as many words as possible.” But wait… it gets better. By which I mean worse. Ladies and gentlemen, shadowdwellr6352 and their aversion to human bodies:
Here’s one who thinks the word “pregnancy” is a dirty word:
… because having consensual sex is EXACTLY like kneecapping, amirite? And if we keep allowing people to have consensual sex for pleasure, there’s going to eventually be an outbreak of kneecappings? I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’m more interested in a nap then breaking someone’s patella after I have sex.
Um, what?
I would only ask this sex-averse shut-in to explain the multi-billion dollar p0rn industry, if sex is “a lousy spectator sport.”
Note to self: do not go on a date with Sue Ellen, if you value your life.
These comments explain SO MUCH about the “Luann” fanbase. It’s truly bizarre.
@brendancalling: With all due respect, calling someone who says “[Sex]…is much more fun for participants…” a “sex-averse shut in” because they’re less enthused than you are about talking about the subject is a little bonkers.
@Tom: If you did deep dives into the TruFan comments section on the daily you wouldn’t say that. You’d find the whole thing entertaining. It’s been a total shitshow in the comments ever since this arc started.
RMMD: slap sideburns on the guy and he’s Truck.
MW: Wilbur is profoundly repellent to women yet he remains arrogant and cocksure. I guess that’s an endearing quirk.
Luann: she’s going to write a romance novel, isn’t she?
How does humanoid dog creature hair/fur work? I ask because that kid who is mocking the plugger’s hair appears to be bald in comparison save for three stray hairs poking up.
Don’t make fun of a Plugger’s odor. It might be too painful for them to properly wash. Probably not, but maybe.
In Plugger Land, kids routinely emerge from the thick fog (in a forest? a swamp? an English moor?) to mock old people in obvious pain because their hair is uncombed. It’s sort of a low-stakes Grimms’ fairy tale for the elderly.
MW – Wilbur’s new column: “I Shouldn’t Be Married!”
All over America, elderly wives are reading Mary Worth and glaring at their husband across the breakfast table. Try to trade up, you bastard, it’ll never work!
Also Mary Worth: Get you an advice columnist who doesn’t understand current divorce rates, I always say!
@brendancalling:
I was at the local library today, picked out a book (by a Susan Something) at random from the shelf – the title was misleadingly like a detective story – and the first page I opened to had “he slid his fingers into the liquid heat of her feminine centre” and “she reached for his masculine core.”
One assumes this is what appeals to that gaggle of incels.
@pastordan: “Also Mary Worth: Get you an advice columnist who doesn’t understand current divorce rates, I always say!”
Mary Worth has a character who writes an advice column. Dustin has a character who gives advice over the radio. Both of them are portrayed as horrible human beings who no sane person would ever pay attention to. Is this deliberate satire, or just obtuseness on the part of the writers?
Luann: this empty headed twits reaction to romance novels makes no sense.
@pastordan: COTW
Pluggers: “Never fear, painful guy, Underdog is here!”
MW/Pluggers: Don’t make fun of Mary’s aneurysm, it’s the only thing she deserves for defending Wilbur all these years.
GT: “So let’s put your belt buckle here…hmmm…so would you say your marriage is unfulfilling, Mimi?”
Mary Worth: You can always rely on Wilbur to keep things Mary Worth-standard weird and uncomfortable. Also like Mary’s slight smile in the second panel. She’s pretending to be annoyed by Wilbur’s antics, but you just KNOW she’s happy she’s got a new potential drama well to mine, and is going to passively encourage him to embarrass himself. “Y’know what’d REALLY impress Iris, Wilbur…?”
Pluggers: “Oh yeah, kid?! Well, my hairstyle may suck major ass, but I’m also in crippling pain constantly because of my poor lifestyle choices! Bet you feel stupid now huh?”
Pluggers: The whole point here is to elicit a chuckle of self-recognition, of course. Which is precisely why it is so disrespectful to realize that any Pluggers can be improved by replacing the characters’ eyes with little plastic googly eyes. So, so disrespectful.
MW: wouldn’t the ruffles around the neckline of Mary’s dress draw attention to her wrinkled neck?
@Rube: Dunno about the Dustin writer, but I’m beginning to suspect the latter with Karen Moy. Given her track record with Sunday inspirational quotes, that might make me the obtuse one.
@Ukranazi Stepan: Namaste.
@Ukranazi Stepan:
I once bought a novel in the bargain bin, it was about a werewolf who is a detective. I thought “That sounds cool”
It was terrible. Kind of sexist, and I eventually got to a sex scene… the very first I ever encountered when reading a book, but even then I knew that it was a TERRIBLE sex scene, for those standards.
I’m not a prude, I’m not against sex scenes, but this one was so terribly written… that I felt disgusted to my core and threw the book in the trash. I “could” have traded it in to the used bookstore literally around the corner from my house, but I didn’t want anyone else reading this piece of shit.
@Professor Well Actually: MW: wouldn’t the ruffles around the neckline of Mary’s dress draw attention to her wrinkled neck?
That’s no dress. It’s the proof we needed that Mary is actually a Dilophosaurus. Wilbur had better be careful not to irritate Mary too much….
@brendancalling: Ummm, the reason why they’re adding spaces around certain words is to keep the comment from being blocked. It’s our social media overlords who are being puritanical, not Luann fans (at least when it comes to spelling).
Pluggers: It’s not so bad. The Plugger was referring to his back hair.
@The Rambling Otter: I once bought a novel in the bargain bin, it was about a werewolf who is a detective. I thought “That sounds cool”
It was terrible. Kind of sexist, and I eventually got to a sex scene… the very first I ever encountered when reading a book, but even then I knew that it was a TERRIBLE sex scene, for those standards.
I’m not a prude, I’m not against sex scenes, but this one was so terribly written… that I felt disgusted to my core and threw the book in the trash. I “could” have traded it in to the used bookstore literally around the corner from my house, but I didn’t want anyone else reading this piece of shit.
What are the chances that Karen Moy found your discarded trash novel when she was dumpster diving, and is planning to use that exact sex scene for Iris and Zak’s honeymoon night?
@The Rambling Otter: In “Naked,” David Sedaris has this chapter about finding an actual dirty book (ie, not a standard bodice ripper) in the woods as a kid, and he and his sister gleefully reading the horrible text, which had hilarious misspellings like “nopples.” Still makes me giggle.
MW: Too bad Wilbur doesn’t understand foreshadowing. Iris and Zak are not going to get divorced. Zak is going to die leaving a rich widow behind. Wilbur can swoop in and marry Iris and become rich at the same time. Then Iris will die from a painful thyroid condition leaving Wilbur single and rich. Then he can set his sights on Nan.
Frazz: This Mrs. Olsen sounds like a garbage person who doesn’t exercise fanatically.
Luann: Luann thought Tara said “Dillion.”
CS: You know what’s not sparkling in this strip? Wit.
JP: Sam should really look into pole vaulting classes at this point.
Dustin: Dustin doesn’t have time for this. He’s got a date with a “Helen K.” to get ready for!
FC: I’m sure this was relatively topical in 1978, two years after the Muppet Show first premiered. The epistemological question I have is this: Does Jeffy believe the story of Adam and Eve’s fall is silly enough to merit Muppets, or does Jeffy think that Muppets are Satan?
MW: Wilbur and Mary have that table to themselves and they’re sitting shoulder-to-shoulder.
MW: I am envisioning the entire planet – all 6+ billion human beings – face-palming and shouting in unison, “OH, WILBUR!!!”
So…is Wilbur prescient about an impending divorce or is he just being the usual jackass we’re all accustomed to?
MW-That’s our Wilbur!
@brendancalling:
Was the sister Amy?
JP: Since Sam and Gloria sped away from the Judge’s lake house, has there been any mention of the dozen, perhaps more, dead bodies strewn across the Judge’s lawn? Has anyone thought to turn on the TV to see what is being reported. It seems Sam might want to know if they were police officers and/or gang members?
@Liam: Yes, I think so! It’s a great book.
Pluggers: Pluggers are decrepit old meatsacks #5295.
MW: When the guests at the buffet line ask, “Hey, who ate all the bacon wrapped shrimp?” and the guests at the bar ask, “Hey, who drank all the single malt scotch?” and Wilbur will ask, “Why is everybody staring at me?”
MW: Wilbur has put his foot very obviously in his mouth this time. Even Mary is facepalming.
@brendancalling:
When I was a kid, watching “Arthur” Arthur and Buster were in Arthur’s attic, and they find an old dusty book. Buster wanted to read it so Arthur lend it to him.
Later in the episode, it’s revealed that Buster as Asthma.
Arthur: It’s that dirty book I gave him! It made him sick!
I LOVE when kid shows get away with lines like that.
@gardenornament:
Should Mary go and tell Iris what Wilbur said?
Of course she won’t…
Luann: Please don’t tell me that Luann is going to write a romance novel now. Normally, you’d think she’d be the least qualified person in the universe to do that, at least if it involves any ess-ee-ex scenes, but in this comic you never know.
I wouldn’t be surprise if Luann’s bodice ripper (published pseudonomously, of course) becomes a huge success and nets her millions. Of course, her mother and Bernice will drool over it and speculate about who the author may be. If they ever find out, it will be the mother of all turn-offs.
@The Rambling Otter: Once, when my kid was really little, we were watching an episode of “Sesame Street” together. They were doing the “Elmo’s World” segment; in this particular episode, Elmo prompted the kids watching to guess what was in his closet. Then he opened the door and a bunch of balls fell out—basketballs, footballs, soccer balls, you name it—at which point Elmo exclaimed “Balls! Elmo’s closet is full of BALLS.”
I absolutely love it when kid’s shows get away with that kind of stuff.
Wilbur, you’re old. The statistic of “most marriages end in divorce” is technically true if you count all the people who have been married who are still alive, but it comes from a huge boom that happened when the US legalized no-fault divorces and a kabillion wives forced into unhappy marriages were able to escape them in 1969. Since then, globally, the reasons people get hitched have shifted towards forming more stable marriages, and the majority of unions entered since I think 1980 have lasted until death them did part, if they’re not lasting still. I’d put money on Zak and Iris’ relationship outliving Wilbur no matter how many cliffs Zak stumbles off.
MW – Don’t forget – She’ll have all that boy toy settlement money….
Pluggers – It’s worth it, though – just to get them to talk about something other than their bowel movements….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
MW — Mary looks as if she’s gotten a hold of one of those Alice in Wonderland mushrooms that make you grow larger.
MW: That half of all marriages end in divorce statistic doesn’t take into account people who have been through multiple divorces. For example, Elizabeth Taylor’s eight failed marriages cancels out eight lifelong marriages in the statistical count.
Blondie: Now if Dagwood had been singing MacArthur Park, it would be funny. “Someone left the cake out in the rain…”
MW: Wilbur quotes the Johnny Mercer tune from the 50s.
@gardenornament: LUANN-“I wouldn’t be surprised if Luann’s bodice ripper (published pseudonomously, of course) becomes a huge success and nets her millions.”
I would be stunned by this development, as it would be a fatal blow to the Stasis Quo that rules this strip. Could we even still do “Luann and Bernice lie around her filthy room and stare at the walls” gags after she became a hugely successful author?
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box: “I would be stunned by this development, as it would be a fatal blow to the Stasis Quo that rules this strip. Could we even still do “Luann and Bernice lie around her filthy room and stare at the walls” gags after she became a hugely successful author?”
She would of course have to lose all the money somehow. Perhaps somebody else steals her manuscript and publishes it in their name instead?
As for being a successful author, the creators have shown before that they are perfectly willing to let Luann succeed at something and then immediately drop it, never to mention it again.
Pluggers: Well, most of your hair is made up of dead cells anyway. Think about it: Every time you comb and style your hair you’re like a hair mortician. It doesn’t hurt when you style your luscious locks because your hair is already dead. Hair salons are essentially morgues. RIP, hair.
Luann:
A. One wonders if the writers are planning their own romance novel, perhaps based on the popular Luann characters, and warming up their fans to buy the book? What would it be? Judging from the books I see my local library buying, I’d suggest Luann and the Unprincipled Amish Earl Gunther.
B. I’m always irritated by the locution “billion with a B,” but it’s particularly grating here, when she’s talking to someone who couldn’t tell you the difference between a billion, and five.
@gardenornament: #74: If that does happen Frank will have the perfect excuse to tell Luann, “Now that you’re rich I don’t have to pay for your college anymore” and for Nancy to say, “Now that you’re rich you can find your own place to live”.
@Guillermo el chiclero: MW: That half of all marriages end in divorce statistic doesn’t take into account people who have been through multiple divorces. For example, Elizabeth Taylor’s eight failed marriages cancels out eight lifelong marriages in the statistical count.
I don’t quite see this. The statement is that half of all marriages end in divorce, not that half of all people who get married get divorced.
FC – Original caption: Could the snake really talk, or was it like Kukla, Fran, and Ollie?
MW – I’m really put off by the disgraceful lack of festive decorations and favors on the table. There’s one vase of flowers.This is a wedding reception! Zak and Irene couldn’t even spring for little paper cups of pastel almonds? However, maybe Wilbur already scarfed his almonds down in one gulp, then looked at Mary and said, “You don’t want yours, do you thanks (gulp).”
Pluggers – The plugger kid is making fun of a decrepit older person. I’m getting a Caulfield and Mrs. Olsen vibe from this. Next the plugger kid is going to hang out with the school janitor and make more disparaging comments about the old plugger behind his back.
Gil Thorp: Every line today is UNSPEAKABLE FILTH.
I can’t have been the first to notice, but I ain’t reading through 87 comments by you early risers.
@I speak Jive:
I want them to do a “Sand Ceremony”—”Look, Zak, there are two colors of sand, and … [shake, shake] … now there is just one color of sand!”
Dawn stays in the reception hall late into the night in awe of the miracle she has witnessed.
Wilbur picks sand out of his shrimp cocktail.
@brendancalling:
Thanks for taking one for the team again. And here are the words of wisdom from Incel #1:
Morcock69 about 7 hours ago
Tara – “By the way, speaking of “romance,” how is your yummy brother?”
Luann – “Oh, still “married.”
Tara – “Yes, but is it working??”
DtM – ” I don’t think the hamster’s head is detachable, just so you know.”
@jroggs: ….a crucifix necklace that reaches her groin…
Like all good nun grammar school teachers, she uses the chain to beat the children.
…..unillustrated orange cover….
Nancy always invests the the privately-printed, leatherbound, vellum editions of her favorite pornographic authors. There’s nothing more delicious for self-spanking sessions!
FC – The entire story of Adam and Eve takes up about two pages of the Bible, and this book has about 200. So I’m guessing this isn’t the biblical account at all, but some sort of steamy contemporary porn, which is why Thel’s enjoying it so much. Good thing Jeffy’s still illiterate.
MW: has Wilbur ever, in the history of the Worthverse, been shown as being successful with women? If not why is he so bizarrely confident in his attractiveness?
@cheech wizard: Right after I got a paper route in Minneapolis in 1967, I sold enough subscriptions to join all the other miscreant paper boys on a train trip to Chicago. We stayed at the Sherman House and dumped stuff out the window all night long.
On the day I arrived, some of us decided to go to a movie. We picked The Bible because we heard there was nudity. As I recall, there was some – Adam and Eve briefly showing their junk – but then they ate the apple and put clothes on, and we were bored from then on. I think we all left at the intermission.
(Sort of like The Last Emperor when the wet nurse hauled one out every 10 minutes but only for the last half-hour, enough to keep me attentive for the remaining two hours, figuring I’d see a boob again although I never did. Now that’s great screenwriting.)
Mary Worth: Has anyone figured out why Wilbur was invited in the first place? I imagine the conversation went something like this:
Iris: “Should we invite Wilbur to our wedding?”
Zak: “Yeah, why not? That little guy’s funny.”
Iris: “Are you sure? He treated me terribly, he’s an awful drunk, and he’s loud and embarrassing at public events.”
Zak: “Eh, I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
Iris: “Also, he’s technically my ex-boyfriend, and he’s made it very clear that he still wants me back.”
Zak: “Yep, he’s a persistent little bugger.”
Iris: “So you’re not threatened by him?”
Zak: “Threatened by Wilbur? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ha ha ha ha! That’s hilarious!”
Iris: “But…”
Zak: “Oh, you were serious? Ha ha HA HA ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ha ha ha ha! Sorry, babe, it’s still kind of funny. But no, it’s not a problem.”
Iris: “Okay, fine, we’ll invite him. Now, as long as we’re opening up about people from our past, let’s talk about Nan.”
Zak: “Oops, was that my phone? Big business emergency, gotta go!”
Luann – I have read a lot of “romance” novels – from standard Harlequin to some of the free, self published e-books on Kindle. There is a whole subset of the genre that is exceedingly chaste – for reasons of religion, mostly. Lots of Amish lust going on out there, but a variety of Christian denominations as well. They’re reasonably well written.
The trend that I have found kind of odd over the last 20 years is that more and more of the mainstream stuff has women with young children, or women who are pregnant damsels in distress. I find that permutation kind of weird, but what do I know? The Harlequins of my youth were mostly heiresses falling in love with commoners, Greek tycoons, Russian Consulates, all kinds of exotica and erotica. Oh, and lots of firefighters, doctors, cowboys. But now these guys aren’t just a thrill ride for Mom, they’re a ticket out of single motherhood and a role model for little Tyler, or Logan, or Bethany.
One of the more ridiculous self-published books I read involved shapeshifting plus-size werewolves. I laughed, I learned, I did not lust.
@Professor Well Actually:
Dunning-Kruger Effect: Wilbur incorrectly believes that his experience constitutes success with women.
MW: I’m just fixated on Wilbur’s big goofy grin in the first panel…I’m sure he must have stoked up on various mood-enhancing substances before Iris and Zak’s big day…he looks like he could stand up, flail his arms about and shriek “I’M SOOOO HAPPY FOR IRISH AND HER BOY TOY! I CAN’T WAIT TIL THEY EVENTUALLY SPLIT UP AND I CAN MAKE MY MOVE ON STELLE…uh…IRISH AGAIN!!! *HIC*”
@Old School Allie Cat:
Mmm … starchy!
@Professor Well Actually: Well, he scored with Iris and Estelle, so there’s some method to his madness. I’m not counting the hot salsa chick, because that was a con set up by her boyfriend, but maybe he still realized some benefits there.
David Attenborough: “The Wilbur parasite, having been successfully removed from Estelle thrashes about in the wild. For now, it appears satiated on catered food and Long Island Iced Tea, but it will always be there looking for a moment of weakness so it can slither in and attach itself to a new or previous host draining the life and sanity out of them.”
@cheech wizard: #93
“FC – The entire story of Adam and Eve takes up about two pages of the Bible, and this book has about 200. So I’m guessing this isn’t the biblical account at all, but some sort of steamy contemporary porn, which is why Thel’s enjoying it so much. Good thing Jeffy’s still illiterate.”
That, or she has a copy of Rutherford Hayes Platt’s “The Forgotten Books of Eden,” large print illustrated edition. Thel is secretly pleased that she has access to the pseudepigrapha, unbeknownst to her pastor, and can read them openly to her biblically ignorant kids without them suspecting a thing.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: I swear to god, lately Morcock666 has been the voice of sanity over there
MW – There’s no sign of Estelle at the wedding, so it looks like she and Wilbur are irrevocably on the outs. Meaning Mary will promptly seize the opportunity a wedding affords to fix him up with some poor sap who doesn’t know what she’s getting into and keep him isolated from the rest of the female population. The needs of the many, as Spock said. The webs Mary spins are metaphorical rather than physical, but we can hope she still begins her efforts with a sign reading “Some pig” dangling above Wilbur’s head.
Don Abundio, translated:
“Take that!”
“Hey! I didn’t no nuttin’!”
“I know…”
“It’s just my schtick!”
[Sign: “MADAME ZELDA / I WILL SLAP YOU”]
JP: “Sam Dear, sitting behind a desk is not what you’re meant for. You should be living a life filled with danger and adventure. I’m reminded of that when looking at these papers you signed when we first hitched up.”
“Pre-nupt?”
“No, life insurance.”
@brendancalling: Yikes! Thanks for taking one for the team!
@Old School Allie Cat: A romance involving plus-size werewolves at least sounds a bit original.
But if they hadn’t been plus-size, it would have been rather run-of-the mill. It seems that nowadays, the romance and urban fantasy genres have more or less merged. I guess it’s at least partly due to the success of the Anita Blake books, but it’s hard to find an urban fantasy story that doesn’t at least have a strong erotic element. If you’re unlucky, you think you’ve picked up, say, a werewolf mystery story and it turns out to be mostly werewolf erotica.
@cheech wizard: “FC – The entire story of Adam and Eve takes up about two pages of the Bible, and this book has about 200. So I’m guessing this isn’t the biblical account at all, but some sort of steamy contemporary porn, which is why Thel’s enjoying it so much. Good thing Jeffy’s still illiterate.”
Thel must have felt very lucky when she found that book. Erotica with lots of nude ilustrations, and it’s all perfectly above-board since it’s from the Bible. Not even the pastor or HTT Grandma can object to her reading!
@Old School Allie Cat: @gardenornament: I can’t see the sexual appeal of werewolves. Never really got the vampire thing, either. Now, mummies on the other hand… there’s just something about musty wrappings and subverted graverobbing that really pops my sarcophagus lid.
MW: Oh, that Wilbur, what a character, and not in any way a vicious, calculating sociopath whose only saving grace is that he’s really bad at it! Like, I know Batty has dramatically underestimated how unpleasant Ed Crankshaft is, but it feels like at least on some level he knows that he’s writing the comic strip equivalent of Fawlty Towers or Blackadder the Third (only not as funny, obviously), where the whole point is watching a nasty person being nasty and either getting away with it or suffering as a result. But Moy genuinely seems to believe that Wilbur’s a loveable loser with endearing quirks, and she’s right on both nouns, but neither adjective.
FC: I’m sorry, I refuse to believe that Jeffy doesn’t think the Muppets really talk.
GT: “We used to date, which I guess is why she gets resentful when I bark orders at her!” Proof that Wilburtude knows no gender or orientation.
Heath: “I’m in the mood for sushi” is code for “If we act now, we can kill the brain-controlling fish before they know what’s happening!” Sadly, no code can hide your thoughts from the brain-controlling fish, because they control your brain.
JP: Um … the life he’s living now is one where he gets involved in shoot-outs and car chases. Is he doing it because he gets bored sitting in his play office pretending to be a lawyer? Sure, probably! But he is doing it.
love is... holding each other for support during the attack of the butterflies.
FC – “Which came first — this book, or the one in the bottom of daddy’s dresser drawer called Adam and Steve?”
@Little Guy: I’ve been paying close and careful attention. The non-binary one is torn between two heteronormative relationships.
Zits: OH NO! The van is going to get crushed by a big rig! This leads to the next exciting storylines – when does title pass in a vehicular sales transaction? Is a verbal agreement to purchase enforceable in “unforeseen circumstances”? Was the crash “unforeseen” since they knew about the malfunctioning parking brake?
Blondie: For unleashing this nightmare on the world, Alex ought to be indicted and tried for crimes against humanity.
@brendancalling:
HAHAHA!
I love it!
@Horace Broon:
Except that Moy literally has Mary facepalming at Wilbur’s horrifying actions. So, she must have at least some sort of awareness that Wilbur is indeed “Bad”
@gardenornament:
If you’re talking about that novel I mentioned earlier, about the werewolf detective. He was in human form during the sex scene and most other scenes.
JP: Can’t Sam and Abbey be sent back in time to the days of the vintage strip? Back when Sam was brave and had some sense, and Abbey was kind and compassionate. If Hillary Forth can get a picture of herself in the future from a giant green tree man, then Ces could certainly have Sam and Abbey time travel.
@Millie:
Abbey was something of a secular saint back in the day, always taking in waifs, urchins, strays, foundlings, vagrants, orphans, and the like. Place was crawling with ’em.
W@The Rambling Otter: I think they usually tend to be in that kind of book. Easier to relate to and no bestiality vibes.
MG&G: Has Mother Goose & Grimm dropped off the Comics Kingdom list? Or what? Grimm was one of the great comic dogs!
@White Rabbit: “Has Mother Goose & Grimm dropped off the Comics Kingdom list?”
It seems to have followed Crankshaft over to Gocomics.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: Is that Morcock69 or Wilbur from MW?
@White Rabbit: Mother Goose and Grimm is now based at GoComics, but can still be read daily at Seattle Times, as before. It’s one of the few comics that usually gives me at least a smile.
MW: Banging on your own eyes until you see fireworks is a common reaction to having to speak to Wilbur.
Pluggers: Well the young Pluggerling is already bald unless you count his fur, so…
C-Shaft: Lena can rest assured that whatever idiotic thing Crankshaft has done, it will never be as big a deal as her allegedly subpar baking skills.
DT: No footprints in the sand, no splash in the water. Apparently God is carrying this guy. Maybe he’ll be okay after all.
Phantom: “Her shooting an arrow at the tower won’t alert anyone of anything. In fact it won’t do anything except bounce off. I’m not sure why she’s doing it. I guess she just likes shooting arrows.”
WofI: That doesn’t explain why the richest and most powerful man in the land is content to dress like an altar boy every day.
Blondie-Cut to a scene of the carpool getting into an accident. “So let me get this straight your friend started singing “The Macarana” and you all felt compelled to do it?”
CS: With traditional traditional cartoon conventions, the second panel would indicate that both Ed and his bus are now radioactive. Did he perhaps drop off some kids at the local radium mine?
@gardenornament:
I can understand Batiuk jumping Cranky to GoComics to escape the snark community (hahaha as if) but MG&G? I don’t recall anyone ever snarking, at least not harshly over it.
@Artist formerly known as Ben: “Phantom: “Her shooting an arrow at the tower won’t alert anyone of anything. In fact it won’t do anything except bounce off. I’m not sure why she’s doing it. I guess she just likes shooting arrows.””
Alternatively, it will kill a guard, but will not alert anyone of anything. The next day, the prison will go into lockdown when a outbreak of death by spontaneous arrow impalement is discovered.
@jroggs:
I can’t see the sexual appeal of werewolves. Never really got the vampire thing, either. Now, mummies on the other hand… there’s just something about musty wrappings and subverted graverobbing that really pops my sarcophagus lid.
I have no interest in werewolves, but I do prefer men who have some body hair. That may just be from having grown up in the 70s. Vampires are all a little foppish for my taste. Unless we’re talking “What We Do In The Shadows” which is a whole other thing. I dig a good swearwolf.
I have never considered mummies for a rendezvous, but you know, as a wholesome Amish woman, I’m so busy feeding the men folk after the barn raising, mending torn breeches, and livestock midwifery, I don’t have much time for such notions.
@The Rambling Otter: More than the website, it involves a change of syndicate. Presumably Andrews McMeel is offering better money than King Features, or some other sweetener.
SFx: First officer Rat was quite pleased to give Mr Pig and his daughter a tour of the cockpit when the plane was stuck on the tarmac for hours due to the latest FAA computer debacle. Little Peggy Pig was at her best behaviour, staring with wide eyes at all the screens and blinking lights.
Mr Pig, a long-time aviation aficionado, was only too happy to finally see a real-life cockpit from the inside. “Everything looks just like in the flight simulator programs! Don’t say anything – I think I recognize all the controls. That’s the TOGA switch, and that’s the elevator trim, and that button there turns on the hijacking alarm. No, not that one, it’s that one there, right where I’m pointing – OOPS!”
Little Peggy found it quite exciting to spend the next eight hours with the nice people from the TSA until Ma Pig could drive over and pick her up. When Mr. Pig was finally released from interrogation and could be reunited with his family he was, understandably, less happy.
SFx: Which kind of animal is that pilot supposed to be? Looks like some kind of rodent. This must be a first in that case – a post-animalcolypse rodent in a position of authority and not as a member of the criminal classes or lumpenproletariat. There’s a role model for Reeky and his friends!
I’ m betting that while there’s been a luncheon, the cake has yet to be cut and served. Plenty of time, Wilbur…plenty of timeto be a jackass!
It’s taken far too long for a Wilbur-induced facepalm to occur in “Mary Worth.”
@Midtown: Mother Goose and Grimm is now based at GoComics, but can still be read daily at Seattle Times, as before. It’s one of the few comics that usually gives me at least a smile.
That explains it. I’d been reading it in the Post-Intelligencer.
CS: Keesterman put a ten-pound glitter bomb in his mailbox.
MW-Wilbur’s an anal plug.
Never make fun of a plugger
They’re infirm and they don’t deserve that
Pluggers have all kinds of ailments
And it’s hard to avoid getting fat
Never make fun of a plugger
It’ll backfire in unforeseen ways
Whatever you say about pluggers
Will be said of you, one of these days
Yes, never make fun of a plugger
It’s really a dumb thing to do
Because pluggers are old and unhealthy
And someday you’ll be like that too!
MW: Mary must be having a heart attack or stroke, her lips turned purple in the second panel. Too bad June Morgan is not around to get Mary a glass of orange juice and a peanut butter and honey sandwich. And hand her a business card for the Morgan clinic.
@gardenornament: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aeroflot_Flight_593
MW-Has Wilbur stood outside of Iris’ house in the pouring rain screaming out her name?
A “kid” with three strands of “hair” is making fun of his grandfather’s lush mane? What the hell kind of world do these dog-cat-chicken creatures live in anyway?
@Voshkod: Yes, I’ve heard of that disaster. I think Mentour Pilot who covered it on his YouTube channel. Fortunately, the plane in Slylock Fox is clearly still on the tarmac so the pigs won’t crash it.
@gardenornament: Will that matter when they’re all detained at Goatanamo Bay (Bay of Pigs is too on the nose.
@Voshkod: It will matter to the rest of the passengers who’ll still be alive, I guess.
@142 Peanut Gallery:
Hey, great lyrics. Do you know there a song out there about that?
(Let it load a few seconds then press the button. It’s only a minute long.)
MW: I’m not normally a violent person, but if I were a bride and I overheard an ex say that kind of predatory crap at my wedding, I’d ask the groomsmen if they wouldn’t mind beating the snot out of him before tossing his ass out of there. I’ve done my fair share of post-breakup “comfort” but dude, it’s her friggin’ wedding. There’s a time and a place, and that ain’t it.
I see Willber agrees with Frank Burns- “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”
MW-Wilbur, when you were near death struggling in the ocean did you decide to devote your life to evil if you survived?
@oldgold: No point turning the TV on in Cavelton ever since Toni Bowen left for <Pace Salsa Commercial guys’ voice>New York City!</Pace Salsa Commercial guys’ voice>.
MW: Too bad that there’s no audio for this strip. I’m almost certain that Mary is saying “Wilbur” in a Mr. Ed voice.
@150 Sequitur:
OOPS! I accidently deleted that song. However, I have replaced it with one that has lyrics written out.
You’ll need a new link to see it. Here’s the link.
@gardenornament: 74 “I wouldn’t be surprise if Luann’s bodice ripper (published pseudonomously, of course) becomes a huge success and nets her millions.”
Will she then get a job as a janitoress at the local grade school and hang around with the most insufferable students in order to make fun of the teachers? And brag about how superior her lifestyle is to anyone who doesn’t embrace it?
@The Rambling Otter: They don’t leave to escape the snarking. They leave because it’s a better platform.
@richardf8: You know, it’s time we looked in on ol’ Toni Bowen, preferably while she’s showering.
@Ukulele Ike: Hmmm, whatever happened to those cameras of Randy’s?
@Sequitur: Wow, great performance! I am honored and impressed!
Dilbert: I know Adams is a Nobel-caliber knob but this dickriding for Musk is multiple letters below beta in the Greek alphabet.
Joy of Tech: I better pull the trigger on a new Macbook before this stupidity happens. Did they learn nothing from the “Touchbar”
@Liam:
And then Iris would jump at the chance to lick wedding invitations with toxic glue.
@162 Consul, the Almost Human: Welcome back! I haven’t seen you around here in a while.
@Baja Gaijin: Thank you! I’ve posted recently but mostly lurk until something pushes my buttons.
@161 Peanut Gallery:
Thanks. Did you catch the misspelled word? Well, it was more of a leaving a letter off.
I think I’ll leave it.
If Pluggers hurt too much to comb their hair, I’m afraid to ask if they are capable of wiping.
@mw:
“Then
he can set his sights on NanFabiana can come and sweep him away. ““Divorce means sex” – rule #69 in the George Costanza Book of Morals.
Six Chex and a Cat Named Mr Salty: switch to bagels, pig boy
@167 Everything Is Better With Monkeys:
Oh, they use a back brush for that.
Just heard. Lisa Marie Presley passed away at age 54.
One can’t be certain but it appears that Mrs. Worth upgraded her wardrobe at Miss Brenda Starr’s consignment sale.
MW: Predicting it now.
Wilbur is going to hook up with babysitter Nan.
@Charterstoned: I just looked up images of the real Dilophosaurus, which was a lot bigger than the one in JURASSIC PARK. The real one was twenty feet long and had powerful jaws. So yes, Mary could indeed be a Dilophosaurus, and her long Dilo neck is even showing in the first panel. Don’t say anything TOO stupid, Wilbur, or Mary might decide to improve Charterstone by turning you into a snack.
Early Morning Posts
9CL-Stop please. For the love of god just stop.
RMMD-“I think I’m coming down with something. What are the symptoms of ‘Con the Grocery Store’?”
MW-“I’ll love for however long until you change your will and leave everything to me then I’ll bump you off.”
FC-Dolly’s finally making her move.
Spiderman-When they are done there the theater will be closed forever.
@Guillermo el chiclero: With Adam Rich, Plugger Age is becoming lower and lower.
Wilbur Weston, the distilled delusional essence of White Male Privilege.