It’s hard for Mud to think clearly, up there where the oxygen is so thin
Post Content
Gil Thorp, 5/17/23
How is Gil’s arch-rival Luke Hernandez dealing with Gil’s secret baseball weapon, a blind pitcher teaching the Mudlarks to open their third eye and achieve cosmic oneness with the universe? Well, he’s flying to Korea with his assistant Coach Kim to try to recruit one of Kim’s relatives, who’s apparently some kind of baseball superstar. I’m assuming he’s going to pull a picture of Gil out of his wallet and show it to Kwan and say “See this man? He deserves death. He must be destroyed. You shall be the instrument of my vengeance.” Kwan doesn’t speak English, but just the power of Luke’s simmering hatred will be enough to get him onboard.
Mary Worth, 5/17/23
God, can you imagine how much Mary wishes she could just stare at her phone rather than listen to Jeff blather on about whatever it is he thinks is interesting or important? She’s just a little too old and polite to do it, but she envies the freedom of the young.
Hi and Lois, 5/17/23
I didn’t think we could get sadder than “Trixie is left on her own for hours on the floor to stare into the sun,” but I think “Trixie is left on her own for hours on the floor to stare at the TV, which is not turned on” might do it.
Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/17/23
Uh oh! Looks like word’s gotten out that Mud Mountain Murphy is extremely easy to trick. At his next concert, he’ll still be singing “Muddy Boots,” but he’ll also be asking if his fans would be interested in helping him launch MudCoin, his own namesake cryptocurrency, with the help of his new best friend here!
213 replies to “It’s hard for Mud to think clearly, up there where the oxygen is so thin”
In Plato’s myth of the cave, the prisoner freeing himself go from watching shadows of copies of real things, copies of real things, real things outside the cave and finally the sun, representing the Form of good or the One. However, Trixie is degrading, going from the sun to a reflection of the sun. This might be compatible with the idea of metempsychosis, where the soul already knows the forms before being born and learning is simply remembering. Now, this implies forgetting and… no, I’m not overthinking! Socrates would have appreciated this!
GT – Going back a few days, they call this kid “The Korean Terror”. They’re in South Korea – wouldn’t they just call him “The Terror”? Or, rather “[The Terror]”.
You know how loathsome Dustin’s dad is by how he would have reacted to this situation, when even MARY WORTH is like “chill out on youngsters!”
“Don’t let looks deceive you — they could be sexting each other right now!”
Run like hell, Mary Worth background couple! Run like hell!
MW: The woman is texting the man: “Look at that guy, having dinner with his grandma. How sweet!”
BG&SS: All of those lolling tongues are a sure sign of a shallow gene pool. Look for a hubby in the next holler, at least!
GT: Fortunately, the language of irrational loathing is universal. Kwan’s first words in English will be, “$%#** Thorp!”
They may not be talking to each other, Jeff, but I’ll bet they’re having sex.
Crankshaft : “Please, sir, just drive me home. I just wanna go home.”
********
Gil Thorp : So, is this inserting K-Drama into Gil Thorp? Which do you think it’ll be? Extraordinary Attorney Woo, Vincenzo? Something else? *Gasp* Is it going to be the original Korean version of the Good Doctor!?
“I’m not a designated hitter, mr Hernnadez-Matrinez. I’m a shortstop. I am a SHORTSTOP! I *AM* a shortstop! I AM A SHORTSTOP!”
*********
Hi & Lois : Where’s all this vivid, bright color coming from? LCD screens don’t give that good a reflection, and neither did CRTs back in the day!
*********
Rex Morgan M.D. : Nah, this is the part where Mud reveals he’s learnt his lesson and turns the guy down without hearing what he has to say. Which is a weird lesson to get from all this? Never change, even though changing helped you and was ultimately for the best, because the people helping you might have never-properly-explained ulterior motives?
**********
Sally Forth : “Please remember my nerdy best friend is only being a model child because she’s forcing herself to be so you’ll accept her under your roof. TEMPORARILY, of course, because the second the drama at her home is resolved, the second she moves back in to her own place!”
…You say Hillary Forth is being callous, I say she’s being smarter than Luann DeGroot
not a high bar to clear, I know. And the thing is, unlike Luann with Bernice, Hillary actually IS good friends with Nona!that part where her Brigadoon “we can only meet once a year” boyfriend and Nona turned out to have been cheating on her the entire time notwithstanding**********
Slylock Fox : EXTRA DIFFERENCE : In one image, the penguins are pulling the seal out of the water to rescue it. In the other, they are preparing to throw it to the shark as a sacrifice. Being able to tell which is which is a necessary skill one must develop.
RMMD:
“Fergus, I’m an ad exec. And I was thinking that, given your, um, rather considerable avoirdupois, perhaps we might feature you in a food commercial.”
“Ain’t that somethin’ — I just now happened to have composed a musical tribute to food, riffin’ on Miss Petula Clark! Here’s how it goes:
“My grub is warmer than the warmest sunshine
Softer than a thigh
My grub is greasier than the greasiest portion
Wider than a pie
My grub is lighter than the lightest chards that brine every night I flub
And there is nothing in this world that can ever change my gru-ub
[instrumental break]
Somethin’ happened to my tart the day that I met food
Somethin’ that I’d never dealt befo-o-ore
Foods are always on my mind, no matter what I chew
And every day it seems I want food more
“My grub is warmer than the warmest sunshine
Softer than a thigh
My grub is greasier than the greasiest portion
Wider than a pie
My grub is lighter than the lightest chards that brine every night I flub
And there is nothing in this world that can ever change my gru-ub
[instrumental break]
“Once I thought that grub was meant for anyone else but me
Once I thought you’d never plumb my whey-ey-ey
Now it only goes to show how wrong we all can be
For now I have to smell food every tray —
“My grub is warmer than the warmest sunshine
Softer than a thigh
My grub is greasier than the greasiest portion
Wider than a pie
My grub is lighter than the lightest chards that brine every night I flub
And there is nothing in this world that can ever change my grub
“My grub is warmer than the warmest sunshine
Softer than a thigh
My grub is greasier than the greasiest portion
Wider than a pie
My grub is lighter than the lightest chards that brine every night I flub
And there is nothing in this world that can ever
Change
My
Grub
[outro]”
Dear freind Fergus Mud
Kindly excuse my indignation at having app roach you in such a manner, but I have a good offer four you!
My names are Mr Brain Smith, and I am the manager of National Bank of Bullion in Burkina Faso. 18 months ago one of our depositors was died in accident, leaving $12,345,678.90 in his bank account. I want to make clear that this fellow was died in accident. I did not haved anything to do with dieing of this fellow.
Now our law in Burkina Faso is account will close 18 months after death of depositor unless hair can be found, and the money will go to corrupt government officials. I do not want money to go to corruption officials, do you? No? I can see by shake of beard that you agreement with me.
So I want you to posing as hair off this dead fellow, and after you get the money transferred to your account we will share it, 50% four me, 45% four you, and 5% four expenses. This totally legal and risk freedom!
You still agreement? Good! Now to get money I will need details to open bank account four you in Burkina Faso, because law says heir must have account in country. Four that I will need your signature bottom of this blank sheet off paper. Good!
And also please to give me detail of your life. Where do you live, who live with you? Alone? When are you away in work or holiday? Gooder!
Now last formality, please to give your credit card number and also put your house key on paper so I can trace outlined.
Thank. See you soon!
MW:
“Don’t let looks deceive you. She’s simply transfixed by the cornucopia of brilliant commentary on joshreads, and he’s going along for the ride.”
MW: When did Dr. Jeff have time to touch up his graying temples? I hope he tipped the Bum boat bathroom assistant accordingly.
RMMD: “Say no more. I’m in!”
JP: That’s pretty nice. Abby has opened up the Spencer Home for Children of Fucked-Up Parents.
GT: “Let me talk to him.” Luke pulls Kwan aside. “YOU COME AMELICA BE BIG STAR! RIVE IN LICE HOUSE, HAVE MANY KOOCHIE KOOCHIE GILRS, NUMBAH ONE!”
BTW, we would love to see the reaction of the Milford City Board of Education when Luke slips this trip into his expense report.
Mary Worth “C’mon Mary. How can two people be happy who haven’t spent 15 minutes discussing how they are going to have exactly the same meal that they always have? By the way, I still think it’s permissible to call clam chowder and strip steak ‘surf and turf’, no matter what the menu says.”
ZITS: Is this strip a rerun, or is the cartoonists’ thinking just in a holding pattern from the 90’s tech boom?
The man had stopped eating, but still held his microphone-spoon poised above his bowl, angling it for optimum reception. The woman held a phone in her right hand, the camera on reverse angle to capture the older couple at a nearby table.
“Did you pick up anything else after the guy mentioned STRIP STEAK?” the woman asked as she awkwardly attempted to wrestle some spinach onto her fork. She was right-handed, but the Agency had given her a cover and she was disguised as a leftie.
“All I got was SALMON and STRIP STEAK before I lost reception,” the man in the olive green polo shirt replied. “I think I got the electronics wet when I tried the soup. Sorry.” He kept his head down, but he was paying close attention to the conversation of the older couple.
“Well,” the woman in the puffy sleeves replied, “my angle isn’t the best on this camera, but I think I’ve gotten some good profile shots. It might be enough to get a make on these two. By the way, the man seems to have noticed us. Keep pretending to eat.”
“Well, if I do that, I’ll REALLY ruin the device. And the soup is terrible. It tastes like spinach in dishwater!”
“You can try my spinach if you want. Why don’t you ask the waiter to bring another utensil? That way, your microphone-spoon can dry out some. We might be able to pick up more of their conversation later, especially if they stay for dessert.”
“Why did the Agency put us on this case, anyway?” the man asked petulantly. “When they mentioned a yacht cruise, I thought we were going to be disguised as tourists, and maybe have some fun on this assignment. Instead, I’m sitting in a one-star frozen-seafood restaurant trying to hear two boring people talk about the menu.” He raised his eyes slightly and murmured, “You got some spinach on the front of your blouse.”
As she dabbed her breasts with the napkin, the woman reminded him, “We signed up for this. The Agency took us on because they know we’re the best at what we do. We fit in almost anywhere. You’re the schlub who eats with his elbow on the table, I’m the bored companion who looks at her phone even while she’s eating. We’re Mr. and Mrs. Every American. No one would think that we’re international spies working on the biggest drug cartel operation in the world. Our friend at the next table is beaming about his new boat, and he has absolutely no idea that the bilge is lined with cocaine.”
“I know. We have to figure out a way to get aboard. The question is, how much does the guy REALLY know? He used the code words, STRIP STEAK., so it’s reasonable to assume that he’s in on it. I wasn’t sure at first, but then I heard him mention the CLAM CHOWDER.”
“Yes, and she gave the SALMON signal. The Agency told us it would be those three food items in combination. But I want to be sure. I think it’s too early to move in. Let’s keep listening to see what else they say. Here’s Jerry with your new spoon. Keep eating and try to look natural.”
The waiter, Jerry, noticed that the couple had barely eaten anything. “Is everything all right? If you don’t like the spinach, perhaps you’d like to try some SALMON or even a STRIP STEAK. We have a SPECIAL going on right now. If you order the STRIP STEAK, I can give you some CLAM CHOWDER at no extra charge. The STRIP STEAK is very good, and the CLAM CHOWDER, also. The SALMON is particularly pure–I mean, fresh! And if it’s too much to eat, I can wrap the leftovers in many small baggies.” The waiter eyed the couple meaningfully, and when they didn’t respond, he looked around more nervously. “Would you like to try the STRIP STEAK?”
“No thanks,” the man in the olive green shirt replied. “Just the spoon will be fine.”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and moved away, and the woman hissed, “Man, I thought he’d NEVER leave! He was blocking my view of that couple the whole time. I hope we didn’t miss anything important.”
@Ukranazi Stepan: You had me at “app roach.” The rest was just jealousy– how come I never get a chance at a big legal payoff like this?
My sister has a baby a little older than Trixie and all I can notice is how barren that floor is – no toys anywhere. I know you’ve got a tee time to make but at least draw the kid a ball or a teddy bear, come on.
MW – “What ARE you looking at, Jeff?”
“That MAN over there. He’s HOLDING his SPOON in an even stranger MANNER than WE and our friends do!”
Mary Worth: Dr. Jeff: “Hey, Buddy! How big is your boat?!”
RMMD: That was a nice redemption while it lasted, but once again it looks like Mud’s getting dragged back into the world of confidence schemes. Judging by the new con man’s attire, at least this won’t be another religious-themed scam, unless this guy is supposed to be the High Priest of Margaritaville or something.
CS: Haha! What a whimsical case of child abduction!
JP: We interrupt the boring drama about Charlotte for some boring drama about Sophie, who is home from college for the thirtieth time. Remember that time Judge Duncan threatened to kill her? Of course you don’t, because that never happened, but damned if Sophie isn’t going to milk that brief unpleasant hug she received from the judge for all the pity it’s worth. Sophie’s also seemingly annoyed that Lil Dunk is still hanging around, but if she’s hoping to chase off a teenage boy, going braless in a snug-fitting tanktop probably isn’t the best tactic.
GT: I feel like there’s a non-zero chance that Luke is going to launch into a baseball-themed version of ‘Gangnam Style’.
MW: “Don’t let looks deceive you…she’s got her We-Vibe app open.”
RMMD: Loving the look on Mud’s face in that last panel “I’m sorry, did you say… lucrative?” /cash register sound, eyes turn into dollar signs/
I see Jeff ducked into the mens room for a quick Just For Men touchup on the Paulie Walnuts grey hair-wings.
Seriously, Brigman. How about a little consistancy in Jeff’s hair game?
Red Morgan, MD: For a moment it seemed this stranger was going to tempt Mud down that “personal enlightenment and spiritual fulfillment” road again, but, nah, it’s only about a blow job.
Gil Thorp – Coach Hernandez dealing in some illegal human trafficking, which will certainly end with a raid on the baseball field during a game by armed federal agents, will certainly do as much as the pitch clock in making baseball more exciting.
Mary Worth – In the past Mary would have wanted to meddle, but writer Karen Moy, who has been made well aware by the Internet about what a “Karen” is, has decided Mary won’t be the one to interject. Luckily the Internet hasn’t settled on the name for a male Karen, and since Jeff isn’t a K name, he’s perfectly suited to butt into another couple’s lives, with Mary serving as a “reluctant” fixer.
Rex Morgan, MD – MudCoin is great, because not only is it the only cryptocurrency regulated by the Crypto Reserve Board (which just happens to be run by the issuers of MudCoin), but it’s the only coin accepted for buying timeshares on cruise ships that exclusively ply international water with stops at countries without extradition treaties.
@Charterstoned:
Ha haaaa, brilliant as usual!
Dr. Jeff is so broken he doesn’t understand how a couple can possibly exist together without monologuing at each other about other people’s love lives.
MW: Regarding the couple who are ignoring each other, the Bum Boat is so popular that singles are seated together. The policy got off to a rocky start but worked out in the end once Wilbur was banned.
GT: <He’s wearing a cowboy hat. He must be extra American>
Phantom: I’m starting to think the prophecy that…Mozz? shared with the Phantom was edited for time.
MW: This is why they go to the Bum Boat so much. Just to sit in judgement of the other customers -and not even lowering their voices so the targets of their reviews can hear just enough that they cannot be ignored.
MW: This couple received nautical warnings about an large irregular looking boat that was driving erratically.
MW: Suddenly, Mary’s meddle sense is tingling! Little do that innocent couple know the horror that is about be unleashed upon them…
BB: I didn’t know Dagwood was into rap music. Or perhaps he just enjoys reading gossip about the singers’ personal lives?
9CL: “Not the coarse, undignified groveling of a primitive Mohammedan, mind you, but rather an elegant and refined geste worthy of the eurotrash poseurs who populate this comic strip.”
DtM: The idea of Alice standing on a scale wearing only a bath towel while muttering obscenities after having just stepped out of the shower is …fan service done right.
H&L: That television screen exists in an alternate reality, since it matches absolutely nothing it’s reflecting, including Lois’s ass being in the way.
MW: “They must be bored and unhappy, unlike me, who spends his dinner of clam chowder and strip steak watching other people eat and interact.”
RMMD: That dude is going to persuade mmm to model for his line of country-Hawaiian casual wear.
BB: The irony here is, of course, that “Dagwood Bumstead” is not a boring name by any means. Dagwood may be living a humdrum, boring, middle-class life, but his name is unique, and just as distinctive as the stage names of those celebs. Not as flashy or distinguished, and it has a different feel to it, but it sticks out just as much as “Pilot Inspektor”.
Peanuts Begins: In a second attempt to demonstrate his love to Violet, Charlie Brown produces a different piece of wood.
Spoiler Alert:
Flower Shirt is the owner of a footwear cleaning service and he wants to use Muddy Boots as an advertising jingle.
@Hibbleton: “DtM: The idea of Alice standing on a scale wearing only a bath towel while muttering obscenities after having just stepped out of the shower is …fan service done right.”
And who says she’s wearing a bath towel (if she’s so upset about her weight, she’ll want to avoid adding even an ounce to it)? Mmm…. [snaps out of reverie]
I’d say Dennis is much more of a tease than a menace today. That’s simply not his job!
Mary Worth – Rando Diner doesn’t care that his wife is playing Tetris as he enjoys whatever his go-to meal at the Bum Boat. This guy knows that, unlike Jeff, his order for a piece of ass back home will be accommodated.
MW: “Just wondering how many beers you have to drink before you start holding your spoon like that.”
MW: Dr. Jeff is drawn oddly in the first panel, like they accidentally left in a scene with his stunt double.
Frazz: Today’s out-of-touch topic of smugness: how people listen to and appreciate their music.
Luann: Why do the Evanses hate the title character so much? She sounds like Ralph Wiggum.
CS: “I can get you into the strip joint that I go to regularly.”
Dustin: I think both Dustin and Megan are barking up the wrong tree. There are plenty of women out there who are dating, or married to, jobless doofuses.
I think it’s more a case of Dustin setting his aim too high (just as when he’s looking for entry-level senior management jobs requiring no qualifications). The ambitious, upwards-mobile, gold-digging types he likes to approach probably won’t settle for a doofus without a job. He could start by going to a different kind of bar, perhaps, ones that don’t charge you $20 for a beer.
9CL: It’s a good thing these two are carrying on the proud and completely normal tradition of parents making out in front of their child. I wonder if Amos is going to hand down the dictionary of dirty words and Victorian slang to Alistair.
@nescio: “MW: Dr. Jeff is drawn oddly in the first panel”
I agree. There’s something very odd about how Dr. Jeff is drawn to Mary, despite her coolness towards him.
Oh, you meant literally drawn? Well, that too.
@Charterstoned: This is superb.
Dustin: Megan has a point. Dustin has plenty of undesirable qualities beyond his inability to hold down a job.
FC: Billy must have some awesome blackmail material if he’s gotten his dad to do his homework for him.
H&L: The Flagstons’ home is remarkably unfurnished, but props to whomever on the creative team realized that TVs are no longer standalone consoles.
RMMD: Wouldn’t it be a trip if Hawaiian shirt guy is just the recently escaped Rene Belluso, in another one of his clever disguises?
@taig: Maybe a little smug, but the principal seems to be self-aware enough to acknowledge that a lot of the stuff he ended up listening to because of this method wasn’t that great.
Mary Worth Panel One:
Apparently Lee Harvey Oswald was not shot by Jack Ruby. He escaped prison, changed his identity, got a medical degree, and now inhabits the comics pages under the nom de plume of Dr Jeff Cory.
Does it make me a bad person that I would invest in MudCoin? Message me details, please.
@gardenornament: And who says she’s wearing a bath towel (if she’s so upset about her weight, she’ll want to avoid adding even an ounce to it)? Mmm…. [snaps out of reverie]
***
Before snapping out of your reverie, did you figure out if it was carpet or hardwood? C’mon, we need to know.
Moving to the northern hemisphere, Manley seems to be getting back on track with his side drawing of Sophie.
I say they should be more specific. It should be The South Korean Terror.
Or did Luke Hertinez go north of the 38th parallel for his recruiting?
@Tom: True. I should give the character the benefit of the doubt, instead of assuming the message was, “I listened to a lot of junk back in the day, but at least an app didn’t tell me what to listen to.”
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: Luke’s friendship with Dennis Rodman helped.
SFx:
Left panel: The penguins have just rescued the seal from that shark, and are smiling happily at having done a good deed.
Right panel: The penguins are about to throw the seal to the shark. They’re smiling happily at the prospect of not becoming shark food themselves.
9CL, CS: These strips show the importance of character development. Both of these today could be reasonably pleasant, slightly absurdist attempts at gags, if we liked the characters involved. All of these adult characters, however, have been previously established to be repellent and incomprehensible, so what might otherwise be cute just comes across as loathsome.
MT: Now you may be asking – “Sid, why is Young Orson playing the role of a Protective Mother Bear? Shouldn’t that role have gone to a female?”
Well, the truth is that we put out a call for a PMB, but got zero response. Zilch. We did contact one BearMom of twins, but she said her paws were full, taking care of her young ones, and did we know how hard it is to get good Cub care these days? And she didn’t wanna bring them to the Mark Trail set and expose them to the “tawdriness” of Show Biz! But I hear she makes a good living posting their antics on BikBok. Go figure…
As far as the non-mom female Bears, none of them want to be type cast in a matronly role. They all think they’re Cindy Bears or somethin’ …. forever ingenue. So you see why Young Orson is portraying a Protective Mother Bear here, and that there’s nothing wrong with that…
H&L – Come on, Trixie. You can’t hold up your end of the conversation with thought balloons. Give her a “BA!”
@Batiuk’s Attic: “Does it make me a bad person that I would invest in MudCoin?”
Not bad, but probably a bit reckless.
GT – Look at the youthful joy in those young people’s demeanor in panel one! Nobody leaves that kind of paradise…even if you could get travel papers…which you can’t….
MW – Don’t be deceived, Jeff. She’s jacking him under the table with her silk stockinged feet, as they read the News Max livestream….
H&L – And stay tuned for the cataract fuzzy world channel….
RMMD – There’s big money for a guy who can clog a toilet like you in South Korea! What can I say – they’re a fun loving people….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: “Moving to the northern hemisphere, Manley seems to be getting back on track with his side drawing of Sophie.”
Yes, it’s nice to see Juggs Parker returning to form. And to see Sophie wearing a tank top without a bra again. Now we’ll just need a profile shot of Abbey and all will be well.
@gardenornament: I’d say Dennis is much more of a tease than a menace today. That’s simply not his job!
***
I diff to begger. I think Dennis is trying to lure Gina into shedding all her clothes to step on the scale. That’s menacing in my book.
6Cx: So that’s why the lemonade has a such a rich yellow colour!
6Cx: Thanks for that cartoon, Wednesday Chick! Now I won’t be able to drink lemonade for a month or so.
Today, on a very special episode of Crankshaft…
MW-“We’ve been talking nonstop since we sat down, Jeff, and I’m bored and unhappy.”
RMMD-“Have you heard the teachings of Mary Worth?”
RMMD-Does somebody want to climb the mountain?
JP-Quite awhile. Abbey has certain needs that only he can take care of.
Luann-“Yes. Yes you are,” she says patting Luann’s head, “Sugar cube?”
Archie-Add Betty in a bikini to the lawnmower and it’s great.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: “I think Dennis is trying to lure Gina into shedding all her clothes to step on the scale. That’s menacing in my book.”
Yes, that would indeed be menacing, but I think it’s more likely that he’s trying to teach Gina some really choice curse words. “Last time, she said X!&¤## and @#%&! Remember to say that the next time you step on a scale!”
That’s also menacing, especially considering that Gina will tell her mother that it was Mrs. Mitchell who taught her to curse like that.
@taig: @Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: Luke’s friendship with Dennis Rodman helped.
***
Good point. Perhaps he should have gone into Bill Veeck mode and recruited Kim Jung Un, someone who would have a strike zone only a couple inches high. Let G. *(&@#$! Thorp’s blind zenmasters trying to get a pitch in there.
Oh, heck in a handcart! So sorry! I took number 69, which I like to leave open for others.
@gardenornament: That’s also menacing, especially considering that Gina will tell her mother that it was Mrs. Mitchell who taught her to curse like that.
That could lead to an even better phone call than when Ralphie’s mother had to call Flick’s mom. (That was Flick that Ralphie narced on, right? Or was it Schwartz? I know it wasn’t Scut Farkus.
GT: Luke is really committing to the “Ugly American” thing: he insists on wearing a cowboy hat everywhere, and it’s better than even odds that “talking” to Kim’s family will involve speaking English, but loudly and slowly (extra-offensive pidgin syntax optional). I hope he also holds his fingers in those V-brackets that are the universal comics symbol for “this is in a foreign language, trust us.”
MW: That couple is enjoying a companionable silence as they eat, Jeff. Meanwhile you and Mary insist on filling every second of your time together with tedious inanities. Who’s really bored and unhappy here?
RMMD: I like to think Rene escaped from the brig, got his hands on his disguise kit, and is back at it. You can’t keep a go–er, a persistent con artist down!
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: Change it up some. Give it to #71.
@Charterstoned: Change it up some. Give it to #71.
***
But I’m 71! Man, I really fucked up the list today. I have to get up earlier. (Actually, I got to the office early enough but spent the first half-hour, when I could have been bogarting posts in the 30s, by doing real work. Sorry. That won’t happen again.)
@Steph: Your sister has a baby that’s 69 years old?
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: The only time I ever got COTW was when I took a break at my desk because what I was doing was stultifying. Necessary, but not the most creative part of my job. Break first, work later.
(I knew you were #71. That’s why I suggested it. You deserve the numerical recognition.)
9CL: Can newborns get into therapy? Asking for a friend.
Dustin: Dustin’s like a walking MRA Reddit.
JP: Perfect segue there, Sophie, 10/10 no notes.
Luann: It’s easy to make raw confessions to someone who isn’t listening and probably wouldn’t know what you’re talking about if she did.
Pluggers are deeply insecure.
Gil Thorp: Totally on-brand for Luke and Gil to treat baseball like it’s some kind of war. This is like a scene in an action movie where the villain hires some elite, foreign super-assassin to kill the heroes. “And once Gil Thorp has been eliminated, nothing shall stop us from ruling the world!” “You can keep the world, Hernandez. I just want a chance at Thorp…”
Mary Worth: Honestly, Jeff, a couple looking at their phones during dinner is infinitely more normal than staring at other people in the restaurant so you can gossip judge about and judge them with your date.
Hi And Lois: I really can’t think of any way to frame this as not-horrifying. Who wrote “the family leaves the baby just sitting alone in an empty hot room with no electronics on and the sun beating through the window” and thought they could make it a cutesy “kids say thw darnedest things” type thing?
Rex Morgan: This guy is actually just Rene in a new costume. He escaped from the authorities by putting on another disguise and just walking out of custody, and now he’s gonna trick Mud again by pretending to be a man who will help him overcome the “trauma” of being conned. Mud and Rene have repeated this situation roughly ten times now.
If the current Gil Thorp storyline ends in a bloody gun battle on the baseball field between the Korean geondal mafia and Milford’s hometown fentanyl dealers, all will be forgiven.
Newspaper comics’ takes on early childhood development are wild. There’s Marvin’s “babies poop because they hate you,” Daddy Daze’s “chicken fingers are a safe and appropriate food for pre-verbal infants,” and Hi and Lois’s “infants at the crawling stage like to sit still and stare at things, while touching nothing and getting into no trouble.” The only reasonable conclusion is that comics writers are producing these strips in an attempt to influence public opinion and regain custody of their own children, who were removed for massive neglect. That, or lizard people.
MW:
“What are you looking at, Jeff? — that couple over there?”
“Nope. Esme! — she must be in port!”
RMMD – “I’d like to speak to Fergus here about an incredibly lucrative opportunity. I’m prepared to pay you handsomely if you never play ‘Swingset On the Moon’ again.”
@Charterstoned: (I knew you were #71. That’s why I suggested it. You deserve the numerical recognition.)
***
Thanks for the consideration. However, I might have to change my name to Scratchy Scrotum LXXI. Sadly, since the only children Madame Ovary and I have are spayed and neutered, the honorable Scrotum name will not be carried beyond LXIX.
@a.: Don’t forget 9 Chickweed Lane and its “Babies will pretty much raise themselves while you hump, including teaching themselves to read.”
Intelligent Life: And the crossovers continue with Ming the Merciless from Flash Gordon.
@ectojazzmage: “Mary Worth: Honestly, Jeff, a couple looking at their phones during dinner is infinitely more normal than staring at other people in the restaurant so you can gossip judge about and judge them with your date.”
Mary is looking for prey. It’s in her nature; she can’t help it.
MW: What is *Sally Forth doing at the Bum Boat? Did she finally bring to fruition one of her fantasies – namely, to escape her toxic mother and neurotic family but in a cruel twist of fate only to end up in Santa Royale, ground zero for toxic personalities and neuroses?
*the lady at that table honestly resembles Sally in profile…except for the brown tint to her hair…
Gil Thorp – Well, you can always tell a Milford man.
Mary Worth – Meanwhile the woman at the other table is texting her date about the creepy man staring judgmentally at them. “Make sure he doesn’t follow us to the parking lot,” she adds.
@Rube: “Don’t forget 9 Chickweed Lane and its “Babies will pretty much raise themselves while you hump, including teaching themselves to read.”
It’s strange that we have his B-side couple with their first baby, and they are already planning for his first piano recital. Edda had her babies and then left them with Seth and Fernanda and ignored them. An extended sequence then made it explicit that Seth and Fernanda would both go to sleep so they could have narrated sex dreams with each other, and the twins would sit and listen and take notes and then go to the Pedestal section of the void, where the Dictionary of Dirty Words was stored, and look up what they’d just heard. It’s as if parents spending time actually raising the boring old already-conceived kids and not just working on conceiving the next ones is something that never occurred to Brooke before. Maybe the multiple flash-forwards to The Twins wearing skimpy costumes and performing piano duets for rapt audiences were supposed to substitute for actually raising them?
Luann is easier to talk to than a turtle because she’s got less brains than a turtle. This makes her a perfect match for Piro, who I am more convinced than ever had a traumatic brain injury due to a rollover in an SUV, with the resulting surgery leaving a star-shaped bald patch on the side of his head.
@Ukranazi Stepan: #10
Ha!!
mary worth -i was gonna say dr jeff found his invasion of the body snatchers pod when he went to the bum boat latrine .He looks ten years younger and his gray stripe has disappeared . But as you know a pod person would not that be curious . i guess hes just too scared to tell mary she has a pieace of salmon skin hanging between her teeth .
@Voshkod: If the current Gil Thorp storyline ends in a bloody gun battle on the baseball field between the Korean geondal mafia and Milford’s hometown fentanyl dealers, all will be forgiven.
***
I know that The Hammer has popped in here, and he seems open to ideas. He even said he may accommodate a request to bring back Mike the Mayor with his butter knife.
Henry, you here? The Voshkudo-man has an excellent suggestion.
@Ettorre: #1
And in the saddest of ironies, the brilliant Plato was reincarnated as a never-aging infant in a middling long-past-its-prime comic strip about a boring family in Averagetown, USA, forever consigned to gaze at the sun’s reflection in a TV screen. “The Cave” in reverse. Forever.
Apropos of nothing, other than I’ve shared this on Facebook and with my friends with immature minds, so of course I should put it here. Just got this message from our townhouse association:
“The board has approved having DC Annis perform sewer drain jetting/ cleaning ”
I guess if you’re born with a name like Annis, it limits your entrepreneurial directions (says a man named Scrotum).
MW: “Don’t let looks deceive you….They are younger and much more attractive than us, and are probably going to fuck like minks tonight!”
Phantom: “Don’t make my tiny little men angry.”
MW: Disgraced Russian oligarch Yuri Neverhadenov finally tracked Jeff Corey’s boat to its berth in Santa Royale. “Finally,” he thought…”FINALLY thees boat iz MINE!” Cherished infant daughter vants toy boat for to play with in giant bath tub on superyacht. Deez boat eez perrrfect!!!” Yuri calls in his personal Mi-26 helicopter with its crew of disaffected Wagner Group soldiers to airlift the boat onto the landing strip/polo field of his uberyacht. Yuri is happy, infant daughter is happy. Jeff, on the other hand, is baffled. “Now where did I park my boat,” he wonders…
RMMD: Did you say lucrative? Hot damn! I don’t have to go kiss Buck’s ass after all! Hey, Harwood. Go tell Buck Wise that Mud Mountain said to go fuck himself, and that goes double for Truck Tyler! Yee-haww!
RMMD: No, Mr. Murphy. I’m not a record label executive. I’m a pro wrestling promoter. If you’re as strong as you look we’ve got ourselves the next Earthquake McGoon.
Lois listened to the newscaster and tried to hide her despair. “It’s been six days since the sun stopped moving in the sky, and scientists are still without answers. Fearsome Arctic katabatic winds are sweeping the dark side of the Earth, while temperatures are soaring under the unending daylight. Governments are reporting waves of refugees moving toward the areas of the globe that may remain habitable, those lands fortunate enough to be at sunrise or sunset on the day the Earth stood still. The President has declared martial law.” She looked over at Trixie, grinning and drooling as she watched the immobile sun on the television and out of the window. I never should have given her that damn monkey paw binkie, she thought.
MW: “They must be bored and unhappy! Not like us. We’re having a great time. We really love each other. I feel bad for everyone around us, actually. Because they’re not us. Because we’re so happy. Because our relationship is so great. Right? Right? You agree, right?”
MW: If this scene ends with that couple having a loud, public breakup and Mary and Dr. Jeff looking on with
sadistic gleecompassion like that time they watched a mother tell her daughter she and her husband are getting divorced, I’ll forgive the previous storyline.CS: “Hey kid – wanna go run over some mailboxes? I’ll let you drive!!”
Jeff knows his lady well. Nothing pleases Mary more than prying into the lives of people around her and dispensing her godlike wisdom, even at a distance. Well played, Jeff.
“What are you watching,Angus?” Ba ba ba “The Moron Channel?” Ba ba ba “It’s me reflected on the screen? Why I aughta…” (Neighbor calls child services to report a man beating up a baby)
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: #71
I think it was Schwartz…poor kid!!
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: #74
Honestly – what’s the point of going to work if you can’t spend the morning on Comics Curmudgeon??? :-)
“Mr. Fergus, I would like to offer you the opportunity to get in on the ground floor as an investor in my fully functional, self-tested shrink ray!”
9CL – Just days after coming home from the hospital, mom is slim, fashionably dressed, and fully rested and energetic. She and dad are jumping each other because all they can think of is boinking.
Yeah, that’s the experience of every parent of a newborn.
Where are the sleepless nights, the wearing whatever you can pull on quickly, the wondering if you can find time to take a shower? Where is the hoping you have something in the freezer that you can heat up fast so that maybe you can eat supper? Where is the diaper over the shoulder all the time so you won’t have to change your clothes when the baby spits up on you? Where is the trying to recover from childbirth while caring for a helpless newborn twenty-four hours a day?
I guess the rest of us have been doing it wrong.
Crankshaft – Yeah, take the scenic route. Crankshaft could drive directly to the kid’s house, drop him off, and have the rest of the day free. Instead, he’s going to waste both his own and the kid’s time on a pointless extended bus ride. Of course, this is the guy who didn’t bother to show up when he thought he wasn’t on the pitching roster, so we’re not exactly dealing with Mensa material.
FC – I guess it was too much trouble to put a laptop in there.
Six Chex and a Cat Named Marvin Presents ” Grandson Of Sam” A Poopie Pants Production A Robert Unwise Film
GT: “Let me talk to him. Which one of you is him? What’s going on outside? Is it important? Hey, just because the readers don’t know what’s going on doesn’t mean I do!”
Gil Thorp-Join us as Gil gets involved in kidnapping and human smuggling to get the player he wants.
The Familiar Mucus: “Hey Dad, how come you don’t draw Kittykat walking on the table like Garfield?”
Six Chix-Have your dog tell Tuesday Chix the secret to joke telling.
RMMD: Hank’s hoping this new grifter knows how to swim.
SFx: It rarely snows in Antarctica. I think this scene of penguins saving a seal from a shark may be as fake as Disney’s lemmings jumping off a cliff.
@jroggs: JP: “Sophie’s also seemingly annoyed that Lil Dunk is still hanging around, but if she’s hoping to chase off a teenage boy, going braless in a snug-fitting tanktop probably isn’t the best tactic.”
Abbey: “Yes, speaking of Eric… maybe you should wear a bra when you’re around him. You know how teenage boys are…”
Sophie: [blank stare] “What’s a bra?”
I had the same thought. But, sadly, Jeff will still end up with blue balls.
Dirk Twacy: Hollistic Defective “Who’s your furry friend Fosdick?” “Oh, that’s just Anyfur, a criminal master of disguise who can imitate any species.” “Eh, you’re nuts, the pair of ya.”
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX:
@Tonio:Jeff knows his lady well. Nothing pleases Mary more than prying into the lives of people around her and dispensing her godlike wisdom.
_________________
“I’ll have the problems she’s having.”
@I speak Jive: “Crankshaft – Yeah, take the scenic route. Crankshaft could drive directly to the kid’s house, drop him off, and have the rest of the day free. ”
Yes, I don’t really get Ed’s attitude. We know that he hates his job and hates kids, so why prolong the agony? It would have made more sense if he’d first have to spend an hour or two preparing for the task, but getting the bus ready can’t really be much work, can it?
Mary Worth – Don’t let looks deceive you, Jeff. Those two are swiping on a swinging dating app. At the end of the night they’ll present each other with well-tended queues of attractive potential hookups. Speaking of which…
@Liam:
Six Chix-Have your dog tell Tuesday Chix the secret to joke telling.
________
The secret is ….steal from THE SIMPSONS and AIRPLANE! and just tweak it enough to make it your own…observe….”Honest, mister, this is Country Time™ Urine-aid, there’s never been a drop of real urine near it!” “That’s ok, son, I can’t drink it anyway, I developed this drinking problem..I don’t have a mouth, just a real long neck.”
Crankshaft: Ed needs to take the kid for an extended ride to make sure there’s enough time to prep the oubliette and ransom note.
GT: So, what is this going to be? An expose of the Korean Baseball Organization trafficking kids to American pro baseball?
Some kind of riff on the upcoming Shohei Ohtani trade talks/free agency?
Somethingsomething Victor Wembayana?
The baseball season is almost over in American high schools. Why is Luke recruiting now?
LUANN: I’ve spent time with turtles over the decades, watching them basking on logs, rescuing them from roads, helping to locate and observe tagged individuals, seeing them in zoos and nature centers. One of them peed on me. But never once did I ask myself “why am I wasting my time with turtles?” That can’t be said of LUANN.
MW – “Don’t let looks deceive you. That’s my Secret Service detail.”
Hi and Lois – “What are you watching, Trixie?”
“Those comics snarkers out there. I feel sorry for them! They must be bored and unhappy.”
Don Abundio, translated:
“I’d like to go out with you more. The problem is there’s nowhere we can eat”
“That’s ridiculous! We could go to a cafe!”
“A cafe would be nice…”
“But I won’t eat in any place that doesn’t allow horses!”
@I speak Jive: I’m a non-parent, but when I followed 9CL, even I knew that the Edda/Amos First Baby Saga was to actual parenthood what PETER PAN was to actual childhood, with huge enormous gigantic apologies to J.M. Barrie.
So Brooke is doing it again. I used to say this on CC once a month, and I’ll say it now for old times’ sake. Brooke, get help.
@gardenornament: Oh dear, an effort to apply rationality and logic to CRANKSHAFT. Be careful, that way lies crazy.
Gil Thorp: “Let me talk to him. Now, listen to me, Kwan, inside of us, we both know you belong with Kim, and that’s why you’re getting on that plane, because if you don’t, you’re gonna regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday, soon, and for the rest of your life. The South Korean juvenile leagues don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday, you’ll understand that.”
JP: At first I thought Abbey had three arms in P2 but holding two drinks would be illogical. If such a thing were possible, she’d be holding a drink, a phone, and a cigarette.
ME: Jeff reminds me of Mike Pence. Well meaning, but clueless and damned boring.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: Rando Diner doesn’t care that his wife is playing Tetris
She’s playing Tinder.
@Garrison Skunk: “I’ll have the problems she’s having.”
This site so desperately needs a Like button.
Mother Goose and Grimm-What’s the matter, girl? Fallen off the wagon again?
Marmaduke-Sure. Let’s go with calling how Marmaduke violated you as friendly.
Is… Is international recruitment into High School Sports a thing? I don’t think it’s a thing. I mean, international recruitment into College sports is definitely a thing, but I think even then if you’re any good at all, they try to suck you into professional leagues. How is a high school even going to be able to afford to pay to have this baseball wunderkind imported to the US anyway? There’s no way a high school is going to be able to pay for this on ticket sales versus their hated local rival.
@K. Ivan Ruppert: Also, professional baseball is a huge deal in Korea. What’s the upside for this kid to go to some Podunk American high school when he could be getting scouted in his own country?
Mary Worth: Why does he suddenly look like a 20-year-old with wrinkles? From now on, the character of Dr. Jeff Cory will be played by comedian John Mulaney, post-rehab.
Hi and Lois: Wait, they put a TV in the empty room where baby Trixie sits all day? So much stimulation is bad for her development! Luckily, Lois isn’t compounding the problem by picking her up, or touching her at all. That’s good parenting! (According to Hi, Lois, and B.F. Skinner.)
Pluggers: Hold on, now it’s okay to wear a baseball cap sideways? That’s 30 years’ worth of plugger “kids these days” jokes down the drain!
DT: So in Dick’s dream, he teams up with a character based on himself to foil a jewel robbery at the premier of a film about another character based on himself. In the words of Kryten from Red Dwarf “Oh, for a really world-class psychiatrist!”
JP: No, seriously, Ces, if you just want to pretend that whole thing never happened and never mention it again, nobody is going to complain.
S4th: Didn’t we do pretty much exactly this bit when Faye was staying with them?
MW: Actually, they look very happy and content. They don’t see the need to spout every banal thought that enters their head.
@Poteet: Luann: One of them peed on me.
Some turtles are into that.
@K. Ivan Ruppert: In a world driven only by sports, international relations have changed. The Korean War was over a hacky-sack phenom born in the DMZ. World War II started in 1936 after Jesse Owens took the gold. Fidel Castro was the star of the 1947 Yankees. This is the world of . . . Gil Thorp.
@Philip: It’s called meddling by proxy.
@I speak Jive: 9CL: Except that Xiulan is wealthy (remember how she demanded “a billion laundered US dollars” as a wedding gift from her dad?) and can therefore afford to hire someone else to cover all the messy / inconvenient aspects of parenting. She only hangs out with the kid when she feels like it (similar to Edda and Amos with their own children, in fact).
Come to think of it, I think Juliette is the last character to actually spend any significant time around their own offspring. Everyone else treats them like an optional accessory.
@K. Ivan Ruppert: There have been cases where recruiters brought African and European basketball prospects into this country and put them in academically-suspect “academies” in return for promises of their future pro ball earnings.
DT: My favorite Al Capp “Fearless Fosdick” was a woman telling FF she’s his biggest fan and instead of asking for an autograph, asks FF to shoot somebody “for my boy”.
FF obliged
@K. Ivan Ruppert: Easy! Cuts to the arts and music programs.
@Lord_Flatulence: Tummy brain aches require Munchausen meddling by proxy….
JP: Sid! For heaven’s sake, is this what they’re calling a cameo now? One panel with the head cut off and the other a silhouette? How will my fans even know it’s me? Well, except for the well-toned body, of course. I even agreed to let that kid brush me again. He’s getting a little better at it since he went back to not talking so much. For a while it was constant jibber jabber.
I’ve recovered from my “adventure” at Churchill Downs, but still no progress investigating the Derby Week Horse fatalities. My only lead, a guy with an eyepatch who had been conducting Equine yoga classes, has vamoosed. Also no sign of that Dog and two Cats who freed me from captivity.
Don’t worry – they haven’t scared me off the case. I’ll be in Balmer this weekend for the Preakness to continue my investigation. I’m getting a new hat, of course, with a fresh array of seasonal fruits. I hope I get to have *this one* for my evening snack…
REX MORGAN M.D.: Josh, you worry too much! Clearly Hawaiian shirt there is a just a gonzo porn producer (“Imagine you becoming a big star as “Mud” Murphy stars in Knockin’ Da (Muddy) Boots!”)” And you were worried something skeevy was going on….
@Drew Funk:
“You played baseball for Gil $$@#/+-ing Thorp, you can play it for me.”
Is Lois’s real estate career dead?
Dennis, your mom isn’t swearing. She’s assigning blame when she says “Oh, sugar!” and “What?? The fudge??”
Mark Trail Mix: “Those invisible cubs are mine,Trail,surprised?!?, you got a problem with that?!? I was in your last lecture on bears, I remember you saying ‘Dont annoy the bears’, ‘Dont feed the bears’, ‘Dont force the bears out of their habitat’, even Don’t moon the bears , but NEVER ‘Dont have sex with the bears ‘!!!!!, It’s a little late to add that now!” “I thought it was self evident to not sex the bears.” “Well you were WRONG!”
@Asking For A Friend:
Is Lois’s real estate career dead?
_____________________
As dead as Mason Jarr’s acting career.
@Asking For A Friend: @Garrison Skunk: Lois works as a real estate agent lady when the writer requires it, and hangs around the house all day when the writer requires it. Is this how real real estate agenting works? I have no idea.
GT: Maybe “Do you want to be a pawn in the sad rivalry between two middle aged men?” sounds more convincing in Korean.
MW: Let’s see, the woman is staring at her phone, as is standard for MilliZoomer characters. The man doesn’t have a phone, but his free hand is…under…the…table. Um, “bored” and “unhappy” might not be the right descriptors, but I have a feeling they’ll be asked to leave.
RMMD: Lucrative enough so that he won’t have to rent out the front of his shirt for Amazon advertising anymore?
@Horace Broon:
DT: So in Dick’s dream, he teams up with a character based on himself to foil a jewel robbery at the premier of a film about another character based on himself.
_________________________________________________
Next he’ll dream he’s a how-to-kill writer turned Vermont Inn keeper.
@Garrison Skunk: re MT: What th–? l see we shoulda had The Talk with Young Orson…
9CL: Pretty sure “more” in this case would mean seeing Hugh’s face as well, so nobody’s going to appeal for it.
C-Shaft: Huh? Does he mean just enough time to flatten Keesterman’s mailbox.
JP: He’ll leave when Abbey is done with him, Sophie! They’ve just got a few more pages of the Kama Sutra to go.
Phantom: I’ll have to keep “You’re unable to put the Bandar on edge,” in my pocket for the next time I want to put a sick burn on someone who happens to know what the Bandar are.
Pluggers: That very much will not make you look taller. Sorry to disappoint those who expect the cat Plugger to be the smart one.
SFx: The shark is angry because the seal is backing out on a bet over whether Antarctica would have one of its exceedingly rare snowfalls today.
Snuffy – It irks me that so many supermarket cashiers are required to ask that question. What would they do if you said no? It’s pretty late to do anything about it when you’re checking out! So I always say yes. But one time I got a cashier who seemed to have more of a casual attitude, so I decided to test it.
“Did you find everything you were looking for?” the cashier asked.
I answered, “No.”
And he said, “Doesn’t surprise me.”
@Ukulele Ike: Is this how real real estate agenting works?
A married mom of my acquaintance who works in residential real estate operates about like you stated it. She’s frazzled as hell but the job allows her to multi-task better than most alternatives so she has stuck with it. It’s also arguable she’s not as successful in the job as if she devoted 60 hours a week to it, but their situation (like any) is too complicated to do more than speculate as an outsider.
Pluggers – You’re a plugger if you steal that stupid cap from Curtis.
9CL: Twue wuv.
Pibgorn: So, my internet has been down for the past month and still is. Can anyone fill me in on the many plot twists and depth of character Brooke has brought to us lately?
Slylick Fox and Comix For Kinx: In the first picture a bunch of penguins are saving a walrus from a shark, in the second, a bunch of waiters are throwing a drunk Willburp out on the street.
@156 Ukulele Ike:
Lois probably works “by appointment only” which gives her a lot of down time.
9cl — is it bad of me to hope that Chedda’s and not-Amos’s baby will somehow be a Baptist football jock?
MW: Does Jeff exist purely to reassure nagging old busybodies that “Yes, you too can retain your shrewish meddling nature and still find a man”?
He eats STRIP STEAK so he’s sufficiently manly, but it’s not T-Bone so still feminine enough that he’ll still join you in judging other couples at a lousy low-budget dinner?
@161 Peanut Gallery:
One time the cashier asked me that question and I said “No.”
The cashier was an assistant manager helping out on the registers during a busy time and he asked me what it was I couldn’t find. I told him and doggone it that product was on the shelf the next time I was in the store.
So I guess that sometimes that question can get results.
@gardenornament: They’re going to end up dating anyway… almost as sure a bet as Neddy failing at something.
@Sequitur: Amazing!
Of course, if Lureen told Silas she couldn’t find the Extra Virgin Olive Oil, he’d take a bottle of linseed oil, cross out the label, and write Olive Oil in black crayon.
Dustin: I’ve always wondered how these women know that Dustin is jobless from first sight. Does he wear a sign around his neck? Is there some kind of secret website that tells the local single women what men to avoid? Why doesn’t he just do what other men do and lie? Mr. Ditch-Digging Backhoe Operator probably tells the ladies he owns a big construction company. Mr. Semi-Enclosed Cubicle Office Drone tells women he runs a whole department for some major corporation.
@Daisy:
Just don’t be thinking that you can post. I hit a sore point with Josh awhile back and he blocked my IP address at work. I appealed to his good nature and Uncle Lumpy to no avail. So my posts are from home. But by the time I get home, my snark has diminished and I have to spend the day reading all the comments that the wonderful snarkers post.
Maybe it is a good thing seeing as how I am not as witty, charming, or brilliant as the rest.
@173 Guillermo el chiclero:
It could be because Dustin is always hanging out with that total ignoramus friend of his. It’s like hanging out with Rufus. The girls see those two and don’t want anything to do with them.
I found Scratchy Scrotum’s Christmas gift: a floor fan from Japan.
@174 Anonymous:
Back when I was working (I’ve been retired over six years) my boss knew I was posting on this site. IT told my boss. One day my boss passed by my desk and asked, “Josh Reads? Really?” I said, “Really!” It was never brought up again.
I remember Dingo (RIP) had a lot of trouble with his employer for looking at this site on his work computer. I’m not sure if that was ever resolved.
@176 Baja Gaijin:
Wow! Talk about a blow job!
@Tom T.: Bwahaha!
He or she was a large snapping turtle being carried off a highway, and if the peeing made a bad day a little better for the turtle, so be it, I guess:-).
Late Thread Dustin Mashup: What if DustinSis was advising another comic strip loser? Is is any more humorous?
@Sequitur: Ah. Like Catherine Deneuve in Belle de Jour.
@180 Baja Gaijin:
Toss up. They’re both doofuses.
Weird. igmur made me verify I was over 18 before they let me see your mashup.
@181 Ukulele Ike:
*snerk*
@182 Sequitur: Me too. Maybe some of the content below the mashup is triggering the message? Maybe Imgur’s modbot knows about Wilbur?
@Old School Allie Cat: Dusty Rhodes the AMERICAN DREAM. Not The DREAM
@184 Baja Gaijin:
For the first time linking to your mashup, there was absolutely nothing under your mashup. Just your mashup.
@186 Sequitur: Huh. I wonder why? I see things under the mashup. Or am I hallucinating?
@Sequitur: #175: I dunno. He gets shot down in flames even when he’s by himself.
@186 Sequitur: Try now. I just refreshed the tab. No “are you 18” question.
Cranky’s Wrath: “So,Joey, ever seen a grown bus driver naked?”
@Asking For A Friend:
Yes it is. Lois quit because she’s not like Blondie who can run a business and take care of the domestic stuff.
@Poteet: Luann is the comic strip version of a post turtle.
@Bryan: Yes, there could be a dozen nannies taking care of Alistair somewhere in that void. Who knows?
It’s puzzling why she wanted a baby so badly. All she’s done since the birth is plan the baby’s future musical career in between boinking sessions. Do doctors no longer tell new parents no boinking for six weeks? I’m sure the doctor would read them the riot act if he knew they were going at it within a week of the birth.
@Peanut Gallery: Re “Did you find everything?”
Once when the cashier asked that, Mr. Jive said something to the effect of “I could if you didn’t move things around all the time.”
GT: “Let me talk to him. I’m fluent in <html>.”
MW: Unbeknownst to Jeff, Mary has launched her own line of app controlled teledildonic sex toys, the best selling being the round headed Wilburrrrrrr!!
@I speak Jive:
Ha! I was tempted to call that a power plugger move, but I’ve been memorizing the layout of the store since long before I reached pluggerhood. Every so often they reshuffle everything and it throws me off for months.
@189 Baja Gaijin:
Yes! I got a video of a monkey snapping beans!
@196 Sequitur: He looks so angry when he snaps. I wonder why?
@197 Baja Gaijin:
You might be angry too if someone made you snap a giant bowl of beans.
@Peanut Gallery: Hmmm. I do see your point.
@Sequitur: Snapping is a breeze, as long as you don’t have to string them.
(is stringing green beans a thing any more? Or has bean technology advanced to point beyond that?)
@200 Ukulele Ike:
Pastis JokeDetector3000 – *Warning. Warning. Pun detected!*
Now, pay attention.
@Sequitur: (Basil Fawlty voice) Seems exhausting.
The green beans that arrive for sale in the city seem to be stringless. Lately I have been defying my Greek wife’s greens method (steam full length beans until barely done, drizzle with olive oil, a dash of salt, and a shower of fresh lemon juice) and cutting them to inch-length, simmering with a chunk of salt pork and chopped onion for an hour or more.
Mountain-style, delicious, and any leftover beans and broth make a great base for a vegetable soup.
RMMD – “I’d like to speak to Fergus about an incredibly lucrative opportunity. You know, ever since Rosemary Clooney died, we haven’t had anyone who quite conveys the extra value you get when you buy Coronet.”
@Peanut Gallery: I know the layout of the store, but every time I finally have it down pat the store moves everything around. It never fails.
@204 I speak Jive:
Must be a Walmart. We’ve got five of them and they’re all laid out different and constantly changing where things are. We also have four Kroger’s and they have kept everything the same for years.
Except for what’s called the “Neighborhood Walmart”. It’s a Walmart with just the grocery and pharmacy. They never change anything. Makes it easy to shop.
MW: You stay here, Jeff. This looks like a case for… THE MEDDLER!!!
@206 JustSomeGuy:
Then, suddenly, she is in her MEDDLER costume looking like The Church Lady from Saturday Night Live.
“These two are probably agents from, maybe… SATAN!”
Dustin: Dude should negotiate a one-way ticket to Anywherebuthere-istan out of his folks. Between the d-bag dad and 2@ sister, he has gotten enough negative energy sprayed at him for multiple lifetimes.
LUANN, Thursday: As the immortal Dorothy Parker put it so well, Tonstant Weader Fwowed Up.
Mud’s change is “sincere” in that he’s a mercurial dumbass who is easy to manipulate and will basically agree with the last person he talked to. Which means he’s STILL too good for Buck.
The Sally Forth episode I think I missed.
@209 Poteet:
Bernice will deny the whole thing.
I would’ve been more fun had there been, rather than a very odd, mirror-like screen, a channel that is dedicated to the ritual of Sol Invictus and therefore shows nothing but the sun progressing through the sky. Gotta be an audience of that.