Vote early, vote often
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Blondie, 4/23/24
Good lord, when’s the last time Blondie introduced a new character? Even Elmo has been around since at least 1954. Despite [gestures vaguely around] the evidence, I’m still a pretty big fan of democracy, so I urge you to log onto either of Meta Platforms, Inc.,’s two most popular websites and cast your vote for just the dumbest thing you can think of for Blondie and Irma’s new coworker, like a sullen zoomer named Braelyn or a hulking beast known as “Gortho the Destroyer.” We Can Do It! Keep Hope Alive!
Marvin, 4/23/24
This is, of course, a riff of the famous line from When Harry Met Sally that comes right after Meg Ryan has loudly simulated an orgasm in public, and I’m really not comfortable contemplating what this is supposed to mean about the sybaritic life of babies. Instead I’ll just point out that Marvin and the baby on the far left are eating recognizable food items, while the baby in the middle, the one experiencing incredible levels of delight, just has a bowl of lumpy brown goo in front of him. OK, now that I’ve written that sentence, I realize that didn’t really make me very comfortable either.
Pluggers, 4/23/24
Pain! Pain! A plugger’s life is nothing but pain! The pain leaves no room in their mind for any other thoughts or memories! Pain!
193 replies to “Vote early, vote often”
Mary Worth Mashups: I wonder what would happen were there one more panel?
RMMD:
Cobbling the words of James Osterberg, d/b/a Iggy Pop, Rex gushes “Now I wanna be your dog” to the no-nonsense veterinarian.
Pluggers: As an incipient (or current) (at least age-wise if not culturally) Plugger myself, I can assure you I also forget where the Advil is in addition to everything else.
Marvin: Evidently shit jokes were deemed too “lowbrow” for the early week audience.
MW: Wilbur has been outside far longer than he’s used to; he’s already started to smell like expired mayonnaise which is why Iris is clearly looking uncomfortable. And of course one last asshole move on Wilbur’s end by snubbing/mocking Zak.
RMMD: Rex’s indignation at having to go to the vet has him consider sending his dumbass children to a farm upstate and getting a new puppy.
PMP:. Love the artist’s cap accuracy. Tradition says men remove caps for anthem, women don’t. But as a feminist who believes in equal treatment, I take mine off. Gotta sister in today’s comic.
JP: Blythe/Helena obviously has something planned. Anyway, Pavel couldn’t kill her before she gives him account info. My guess is this is all being heard in CIA office who will burst into room And save the day! (CIA as heroes, lol)
Marvin: I realize Marvin’s age is flexible, depending on the day’s gag, but if your child is still young enough to be drinking from a bottle, a hot dog is not an ideal food to be feeding him. It’s a choking hazard and…oh, I see! Well played, Marvin’s parents — well played.
Blondie: We can now safely say that 2024 will be an important election year for America, because it’s time to choose… the name of a “new” infrequently-appearing piece of clip art in Blondie. This being a lame zombie gag-a-day strip, they’re probably going to pick something safe and boring like “Sandra” or “Pierre,” but hopefully we’ll get a week where Blondie and Player 2 Blondie interview all the internet-nominated runners up like Chef Cockbreath McGee and Mrs. Hitlerdidnothingwrong.
CS: “You fucked up my home with literally cartoonish amounts of property damage. I stand in line.”
MW: We thought Wilburman was a lazy superhero name, but that was before we learned the name of Zak’s gorilla villain persona – Gorilla. Karen Moy gets paid for this.
The voting for the name of Blondie’s new character is multiple choice. There’s not even a way to enter a write-in candidate.
@jroggs: Wilbur makes Doug Funnie look like Steven Spielberg and his villains gallery is primarily variations of his school bully or
Don Knottshis vice principal.@Pozzo: Also babies aside… a plain hotdog with no toppings? Seriously?
JP: Hey, the devil child is back! And Marciuliano even remembered her name! Unfortunately, Marciuliano has also decided to give her a text-box-official age of four. Remember, it has explicitly been several months between Helena’s big stupid plan now and Helena’s first big stupid plan with Sam and Gloria, and there was also a lengthy passage of time between that day and Sam’s first meeting with Pavel and Alina. Sam and Abbey found Alina knocked unconscious from the car crash, and when Alina woke up she fled from them into the woods and lost them. What I’m getting at is that it is now implicit canon that Sam and Abbey, two physically fit adults, were unable to keep pace with the blazing running speed of a concussed three-year-old. It is impossible to exaggerate the supernatural incompetence of this strip’s protagonists.
That’s not to say the villains are any better. Remember how Discount Hank Scorpio was supposedly determined to humiliate and break the Bowerns girls for defying his will or some shit? Remember how he was so insistent on doing everything exactly on his own terms and making them feel total despair before he killed them? Well, ever since Helena showed up on Pavel’s doorstep (voluntarily or involuntarily; this strip goes back and forth), Pavel has instead been bending over backwards to accommodate his hated nemesis. And now he’s going to let her boss him around on what he does with his own child.
There’s almost certainly a meta reason for this – Helena and/ or April are probably about to go on a violent head-twisting rampage and Marciuliano has to account for the safety of the demon spawn because she’s technically a blameless little kid. But it’s just pathetic that Pavel is probably going to do as he’s told, not to mention that this is yet another blaring warning siren that something is very wrong here that he is failing to notice. And of course he only has one guard with him despite knowing how absurdly capable and dangerous Helena is. How did this guy become the kingpin of a limitlessly powerful and wealthy crime organization, again?
Blondie: In the spirit of the strip, I sure the name of the new pastry chef will be something wildly unexpected like Pierre.
Very tempted to change my user handle to GORTHO THE DESTROYER, PASTRY CHEF. Very tempted.
@Pozzo: Marvin’s parents think they can get another shot at raising a child who isn’t a literal piece of shit by committing infanticide, unaware that they’re just terrible parents and even worse people.
MARVIN: The baby’s lunch is courtesy of the Mary Worth line of heat and serve mush meals.
MW: Wilbur would feel even worse if he knew that “Kong and the Cougar” actually IS Iris and Zak’s favorite bedroom game.
DtM: Is it me, or is Dennis channeling a Borscht Belt comedian? “Take my teacher…please!”
H&L: Quit whining, Foofram. Dithers is lucky if he gets vending machine leftovers for his birthday.
@Bob Tice: Further pinching for Pluggers: “There’s nothing left alive/just a pair of glassy eyes…”
@Needless Exposition:
Even after Doug and Roger became on more friendly terms near the end of the Nickelodeon run, and even into the Disney run. He still has most of his villains based on Roger, because personal fantasies apparently need a consistent canon.
You’re a Plugger if you are a drug addict but not one of the bad ones!
RMMD: “Okay, let’s see: Sodium Nitrite, Monosodium Glutamate (MSG), High-Fructose Corn Syrup, Carrageenan, Sodium Benzoate, Xanthan Gum, Yeast Extract, Ascorbic acid. Whoa! I’ve never seen artificial chocolate before.
Judging by Blondie and Tootsie’s comments, I’d name the pastry chef “U. B. Fatter”
Marvin: There’s a better joke using a baby saying “I want what he’s having!” but I guess you can’t depict breastfeeding in a newspaper comic.
They definitely bowdlerized today’s Pluggers by substituting Advil for [popular prescription opiate that goes unnamed lest it trigger comment moderation].
With help from the late Akira Toriyama. I have a feeling what “GORTHO THE DESTROYER, PASTRY CHEF” would look like.
https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/dragonquest/images/f/f9/DQMTDP_Sugar_baddie.png/revision/latest?cb=20231115163255
@The Rambling Otter:
Oops broken link, sorry.
I know the good folks over at Marvin Inc. have their particular brand on lock, but must admit I never could have predicted this scene, an illustration of the Bristol Stool Chart depicted as the lunches on offer in a cafeteria for babies.
@Hibbleton:
Spoilers : it’s actually going to be an Indian teenage girl named Prasha, Deeva, Tanvi, Maya or Naya. YOU DECIDE!
Why are the last two name choices so similar@Nancy: Just some pleasant, forgettable, Indian women’s names, alas. I was all set to vote Fruhlinger. We’d have gotten to see Team Blondie trying to letter Dampfnudeln mit Vanillesauce.
Pluggers: Marcia Coons’ name should’ve inspired a gang of playful raccoons to appear, trying in vain to open the Advil’s child proof cap with their cute little hands. You know five fluffy raccoons wearing aprons and fighting open a bottle of painkillers beats a chicken with an anxiety attack every time.
MW: Wilbur’s subtle innuendo about Zak re gorillas have smaller penises than humans isn’t lost on Iris.
“You’re wrong about that, too.” She says with a smile.
Pluggers: Chickenwoman reaches for the starkillers.
GT: Since Leo is not a plugger, I will assume the rest of the week will be devoted to his quest to find the Advil
MW: There’s no way Zak didn’t hear this slip of the tongue and there’s also no way Wilbur can play it off as saying something else. I expect to see Wilbur’s feet sticking out of a park trash can (or recycling bin since Zak can do no wrong in Iris’s eyes) a-la Beetle Baily. I also expect to be disappointed tomorrow.
RMMD: Vet: “You know what else would have been helpful? Not leaving a pan of chocloate brownies on the edge of the counter where a dog could eat it.”
@The Rambling Otter: Exactly. I kept thinking that Doug would still simp over Patti if she shot his parents and robbed him at gunpoint but would villainize Roger because he bruised his arm pulling him away from a burning building.
@The Rambling Otter: Here’s my vision of Gortho, courtesy Yukinobu Tatsu.
@Kevin on Earth: Wilbur usually saves his mocking of Zak for when he’s not in the same vicinity, just like a true coward. And even then Zak would take the high road because he’s far more courteous and respectful to Wilbur than he deserves.
Blondie: A wacky name for a pastry chef, eh? How about Sidney Doughboy? This is “Blondie”. Lower your humor expectations, then bury them under a mountain.
RMMD:
“How much is that doggie in chagrin, though? —
The one with the waggedy tail?”
“Respectfully, Madam DVM, now is not the time to be singing!”
@jroggs:
This is in no way a defense of Karen Moy, but actual comics from DC and Marvel have gotten away with villains named Cheetah, Rhino, Lizard, and Vulture.
@The Rambling Otter: @The Rambling Otter:
Oooh it works now.
I wasn’t getting an image in the link for some reason, then I clicked refresh, and now it’s appearing every time.
Weird.
MW: Miserable Wilbur is the BEST Wilbur!
@jroggs, JP: “You insult my daughter? I kill everyone with your DNA!” Then Wurst shows up and kills Pavel and everyone in the compound. Somehow, he kills all of Pavel’s henchmen hundreds of miles away. He lets the daughter live, and gives her to Toni Daytona’s brother under Witness Protection.
Yes, that’s</i? how we get Shannon. I know she's been in the Evansiiverse for decades, but no one has aged, so time flows differently. Also explains Mr. Gray.
MW: To paraphrase the great Crow T. Robot: You know, it’s economical not to have a story line, because then you can just draw people saying things.
Blondie: I know that this whole strip is just an excuse to promote their contest or whatever, but that is some especially inane conversation, even by Blondie standards. “It would be nice if we had a pastry chef, then we would have more pastries. Like donuts and…pastries? VOTE NOW!”
Marvin: Do you think that Marvin is impressed by the volume (or character?) of the belch, or the odor emitted? As a stench-based strip, I fear the latter.
Pluggers: Yeah…’advil’.
Blondie: I vote for “Electric Acres” as the new Bakery Chef.
GA: Isn’t this how we knew it was going to wrap up? It wasn’t as if Mayor Melba was held prisoner by the CIA/Pavel while Imaswine carried out his evil plan of… renaming the town.
MW:
Later that day, Iris settled herself on the sofa and heaved a deep sigh. The therapist watched her but said nothing, knowing his patient would reveal more if she initiated their conversation. The lengthening silence became uncomfortable, but still the therapist waited. Finally, Iris looked up, and with a wry smile and a shrug of her shoulders, began. “I did it again,” she said simply.
The therapist nodded encouragingly. “Go on,” he prompted. “What did you do?”
“I let him get away.”
“Who, Iris?”
“Wilbur.”
“Isn’t Wilbur the man you left for your husband…?” The therapist asked as he quickly looked over his previous notes.
“Yes, but I know now that was a mistake. And now that I’m married, there’s no going back.”
“What makes you think it was a mistake, Iris? I thought you were happy with…Zak.”
“I thought so, too. It was exciting at first, to be wanted by a handsome man so much younger than I am. I guess he made me feel…less OLD.”
“And now…?” The therapist leaned forward, anticipating an important revelation.
“I’m just…so TIRED!” Iris wailed. “Zak has so much energy, and I’m struggling to keep up! He wants to keep at it, over and over, every day!”
“You’re finding his sexual demands on you to be…excessive?”
“That’s just it! We don’t HAVE sex. We lift weights, we go jogging, we spend hours working out at the gym—but then he has to ‘recover’ and he has no more energy for doing…IT. We both look fantastic, but I’m wondering, what’s the point of it all?” The therapist watched Iris as she smoothed her firm thighs with her hands. She was becoming agitated, he thought, approving.
“And Wilbur? What do you find attractive about him?” The therapist frowned.
“Oh, well! Wilbur is just COMFORTABLE. He’s not really attractive, and he’s pretty clumsy in bed, and he smells like mayonnaise and fish food.” Iris smiled wistfully. “The thing is, Wilbur can sit STILL. He doesn’t remind me to work on MY posture because his own posture is so horrible. He doesn’t suggest a new hairstyle to make me look younger because HE has so little hair of his own. We can enjoy fatty foods, watching television, and going to karaoke night without ALWAYS working up some kind of sweat. And when I saw him today, I realized that Wilbur—WILBUR!—offers me the kind of life I actually want to LIVE. He’s not working for some athletic reward—he IS the reward, the best he’s going to be, with no expectations that either one of us will ever improve or should strive for more.”
The therapist noted Iris’s heightened color, her taut nipples, her slightly parted lips as she ran her fingers through her silky blond hair. She was magnificent in her distress!
“Our time is up, but I think we’re on the verge of a breakthrough. We should continue this tomorrow. Let’s say 11 am sharp, Iris.”
Iris nodded and took up her purse to leave, turning back as she reached the door. “What’s wrong with me, that I should want a fat, balding man who sings off-key and sits around eating mayo sandwiches all day, instead of a young, virile stud like Zak? Can you help me?”
“We’ll work on this together, Iris. I think some COGNITIVE THERAPY will do the trick. See you tomorrow. Don’t be late.” He bent his head as if to read his notes, but over his horn-rimmed glasses surreptitiously watched her swaying hips and perfectly molded buttocks as she moved gracefully to exit his office. The door clicked shut, and Dr. Wilmer Beston quickly removed a mirror from his desk drawer and carefully smoothed his combover. Then he punched his intercom.
“Yes, Dr. Beston?” came the prompt voice of his assistant.
“Add an appointment for the patient who just left for 11 tomorrow morning, and cancel my appointments for the rest of the day after that. She will need an intensive therapy session. While you’re at it, order lunch for tomorrow from that place with the picture of the pig on its take-out bags.”
“Yes, Doctor.”
“That will be all.” Beston stood, smiling as he hitched up his pants over his protruding stomach and smoothed his maroon golf shirt. He picked up a thick magic marker from his desk and held it like a mic, softly crooning into it. “Muskrat, muskrat, candlelight…!”
@Lauralot: Maybe it’s about the presentation. I think if we’d had an initial off-panel, “Ook ook, not so fast, Wilburman, ook!” and a dramatic close-up on One Paunch Man’s eyes as he said, “Sweet shower radios! It can’t be… Gorilla,” before the big reveal, then it might have worked. But when they just tack on the villain’s name with a schlubby douchebag mumbling some socially awkward goodbye, it never had a chance.
Well, great. Half of Blondie’s demographic are already some of the few people still using Facebook and have been fully radicalized, and the other half are about to be after their grandkids show them how to find it and sign on.
Blondie: I look forward to reading the adventures of Pastry McPastryface.
Marvin: It looks like Mr. Armstrong reads this blog. Those look like late-night cuisine posts.
Pluggers: Ironically, she got the back pain reaching for that bottle of Advil.
@Nancy: Hell, I really wanted to nominate “Cakey McCakeface.”
@taig: ONE minute late, damn your eyes,
Are you advocating for a scratch-and-sniff Marvin comic?
Anyone else having trouble getting a current Pluggers on gocomics?
RMMD-“Ah. I see you used the Mary Worth brand. That stuff is poisonous to man and dogs.”
RMMD-“I know what ingested means. I’m not one of the people your father hires.”
MW-Isn’t Zak the person Iris is going out with because he’s rich?
You’re a Plugger if your back starts cursing like a sailor.
I might be sold on ChatGPT after this:
You
Write something snarky about today’s Mary Worth.
ChatGPT
Sure, here’s a snarky take on today’s “Mary Worth”:
Today on “Mary Worth,” the drama unfolds at a glacial pace as characters continue to have conversations that could easily be resolved with a simple text message. Meanwhile, Mary’s sage advice reaches new levels of predictability, leaving readers wondering if they’ve accidentally stumbled into a time warp where rotary phones still reign supreme. But fear not, loyal readers, for tomorrow promises more riveting dialogue about the importance of sunscreen and the perils of overcooked pasta. Stay tuned for another thrilling installment of “Mary Worth: Making Mundane Moments Monumental.”
A bit generic, but it works.
@48 Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: Yes, GoComics boo! It came through on the Seattle Times website.
LUANN – Were past the point in any Luann storyline where we start looking towards the end of the week when this shit will mercifully end, already.
Maybe then we can get some good Betz ‘n Gun action!
My bet’s on the gun.
Pluggers: If she looks harried its probably because the Internet is rife with posts saying Advil is either totally fine or poison for chickens.
Frazz: The spider wasn’t named Sisyphus, so I guess it’s not about futility? Anyway, was Frazz thinking about the song before, during, or after his first marathon?
Luann: Jeez, ladies! Let Luann wallow in her mediocrity, OK!
CS: “Ha ha ha! Do you think I’d be hanging out with you losers if I had that? {Pause} Now I’ve made myself sad.”
Blondie – Steve
Blondie-Mary Worth!
If I were still on any of Zuckerberg’s sites, which I’m glad to say I’m not, I’d vote to call the pastry chef “Weelbur”.
@Baja Gaijin: Oh, the Hindentanic. Oh the Weelburity!
MW: Awwwww, Wilbur wishes he were Jane Goodall.
Zits: Connie, Jeremy was already complaining about the weight of his backpack yesterday. Now you want him to load up with more stuff?!?
FC: Jeffy then eats the spider.
Marvin: When Harry Met Sally is a quarter century old, so nobody cares if they screw up the most famous quote in the entire movie.
I look forward to more Marvin movie quotes. Next up: “We’ll always have parrots.”
@Baja Gaijin: Panel 3. I like to think Wilbur accidentally caused all those disasters.
The worrying thought about today’s Marvin is that the baby is consciously quoting a very old movie (released 1989). This movie is so old it’s not even shown on cable anymore, leading to the thought that Marvin, A BABY, willingly sought it out on VOD, or worse, preternaturally REMEMBERS it from the original release. Yes, I’m pretty sure Marvin the strip was already in existence at that time, which means that the unnatural infant has remained in Pre-K, despite having a memory and life experience of a 35 year old.
@59 Ukranazi Stepan: [SNERK!]
@62 taig: And yet he’s alive EVEN THOUGH HE SHOULDN’T BE!
@63 Buck Ripsnort: If I’m implying from your implication correctly, excessive pooping keeps one young, very young.
BLONDIE – Pibgorn. They should hire Pibgorn as the pastry chef. She can befriend Dag by massaging his prostate, as she is doing in the current PIB installment. Then she can screw his kid and get pregnant with some kind of demonic hybrid child that feeds endlessly on the souls of the children.
Blondie – Blondie: “On the other hand, maybe I don’t want to be tempted to eat more pastries. It all goes straight to my tits!”
Tootsie: “Me too!”
Don Abundio, translated:
“Do you ever talk to yourself?”
“Do I talk to myself, Don Abundio?”
“Yes. I do everything the voices tell me to”
[Disembodied voice: “Grope her, you worm”]
The people at Blondie: “Why are so many people submitting the name Josh Fruhlinger???“
@Buck Ripsnort:
Well, I wouldn’t say that “Baby Herman” from Who Framed Roger Rabbit, was charming in any sense of the word, but compared to your Marvin theory, Herman seems like an absolute saint.
Marvin – From the looks of what the middle kid is eating, I’d say Marvin already had what he’s having.
Blondie – Malicious Tart….
Marvin – When Marvin met Pigpen….
Pluggers – If you can’t find your glasses, remote, keys or Advil, it’s probably senility, dementia or Alzheimer’s….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
Blondie – I voted for Doughy McDoughface
“It’s the damnedest thing, Barb. I had a really bad headache before I started eating this fried chicken, but it just cleared up. And I was about to down some Advil!”
MW – Optical illusion puzzle: in what direction is the man walking?
Blondie: So, is “Bakey McBakeface” too dated for an option, or….?
Pluggers: In my experience it’s not remembering where the Advil is so much as it is locating it among all the other over-the-counter and prescription remedies surrounding your sink.
Watch out, Blondie and Dagwood! First your introduce a new character, then that new character becomes the most popular character in your strip and you find yourself relegated to once-a-year holiday appearances! You might protest that something like that hasn’t happened since Thimble Theatre/Popeye and Barney Google/Snuffy Smith in the 1930s, but for you two that shouldn’t seem any longer ago than last week. Anyway, might not be long until we’re reading the Adventures of Cakey the Pastry Chef (* and the Bumsteads).
Pluggers: I was going to say “an alcoholic”, but I guess most Pluggers are that already.
OK, so given that Blondie is a veritable font of unoriginality, we can assume that, given the stereotype, the new pastry chef will be French, and that he will therefore be named Pierre Pastré.
Pastry chef wanted. Must have slim waist, tiny ass and big boobs. Also, name must end in “-ie,” though will consider “-sy” for highly qualified candidate. Inquire within.
Blondie: Gortho the Destroyer will be so busy worrying about what the people on this blog will vote to name her that she isn’t even picking up on the fact that she’s just a mildly altered clone of Blondie. A shame, since clones don’t have souls.
Marvin: At this point, this strip is the equivalent of a lame comedian having a panic attack on-stage as he desperately tries to come up with something that isn’t toilet humor, failing to do so, and eating his cue cards in a terrified breakdown.
Pluggers: Pluggers are, of course, all drug addicts who can’t survive the day if they aren’t burying themselves in painkillers.
C’shaft: “The first issue of Spider-Man” is astonishingly vague for an aging nerd who’s convinced he could have retired on his back issues of Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen if only his mom hadn’t thrown them out when he was at college. Is he referring to Spider-Man’s historic first appearance in Amazing Fantasy #15, which sold for a historic $3.6 million, or the web-slinger’s first solo comic Amazing Spider-Man #1, which is estimated at a mere $8-400k in value depending on quality? I’m just saying, if you’re going to insist on going back to this well then specificity is your friend.
Dustin: The abuse Dr. Hateful heaps on Dustdad doesn’t make my sympathetic towards the latter, exactly, although it does open me up to the possibility that somewhere in the infinite variety of the multiverse such sympathy might be possible.
GT: So far Gil’s “assign positions at random” experiment has resulted in one of his starting pitchers landing entirely on his wrist and bending it at an angle it was definitely not built for, and severe strain to the throwing arm of one of his infielders. Somehow this will make them better at baseball.
JP: “The next thing you know she’s the sole survivor of a violent shootout, and we’re stuck raising her! I will not have my daughter saddled with the next Neddy and/or Sophie!”
Luann: Oh, all three of them are full of something, all right, but it ain’t potential.
MT: What subpar Bond movie BS is this?
MW: You have to hand it to Iris. It takes a lot of skill to say “It was nice seeing you again, Wilbur,” without your pants spontaneously combusting from the magnitude of the falsehood.
Blondie I dunno, Patty Sirray?
CS: Ok, it’s one of the series’ very worst episodes, but the scene in “Homer vs. Dignity” where Homer eats a mint condition copy of “Spider-Man” #1 is waaaaaay better than this. I’m sure Tom Batiuk remembers the episode. It features one of history’s few pop culture references to Funky Winkerbean.
FG: Yesterday I wondered what Dale was up to. Now we know she’s cucking Fria with her husband Prince Ronal.
Pluggers: Pluggers are medically decrepit # 7382.
@Peanut Gallery: To which “orifice” is the young woman referring in panel one? My Spanish is rusty.
FG: Dale is out on the town with Prince Ronal. Flash is away, and the mice are playing like crazy. Nice puppet theater, by the way — they got Fria’s donut hair and hatchet nose just right.
Blondie: You mean I have to join those accursed social media platforms to vote? Not gonna do it!
@Guillermo el chiclero: Late by ONE MINUTE twice today. I’m going back to bed.
Blondie’s despicable use of multiple choice voting means that the new pastry chef won’t be named Josh Curmudgeon.
Evil bastards.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: Are you advocating for a scratch-and-sniff Marvin comic?
Given it’s always the same odor, I would imagine that the comics syndicate could just send you a little bottle of ‘Eau de CaCa‘ and you could apply it yourself. Kind of like 3D glasses.
*sigh* another “yep, I’m totally a plugger” strip
@Guillermo el chiclero: They’ve done the candlelight dinner and taken in a show. The traditional next move for Ronal should be an invitation to a cozy late supper featuring a “cold bottle and a hot bird,” but in Frigia the bird usually arrives cold, too.
Then tip a lot of Madeira into Dale and maneuver her woozy ass into the sack.
Blondie – Tits Beignets….
Blondie – Sugar Buns….
RMMD: Now we know what Dawn Weston is up to. She’s adulting as a veterinarian’s assistant over in Rex Morgan.
Blondie – Paris Breast….
@pugfuggly: Given it’s always the same odor, I would imagine that the comics syndicate could just send you a little bottle of ‘Eau de CaCa‘ and you could apply it yourself. Kind of like 3D glasses.
I prefer Morning Breeze and Liquid Ass.
Tootsie: “yeah, sounds great, sure thig, I’m pretty sure the shrooms have kicked in, whoops did I say that out loud, I’m not wasted at work I’m not wasted at work I’m not wasted at work, the ham rolls are going to eat my head.”
@82 TheDiva: on Mary Worth: I dunno. It could be nice to see you’re going home with Zak and not Wilbur.
Middle kid eats what Marvin makes.
@Baja Gaijin: “ If I’m implying from your implication correctly, excessive pooping keeps one young, very young.”
I have to believe that his source is full of shit.
If Blondie needs a pastry chef, instead of a new character, why not hire her daughter Cookie?
Tootsie’s real name is Irma?
I’m so mad the Blondie thing is a write-in. I was going to try to claim that a “fruhlinger” was a famous Eastern European pastry that deserved a namesake.
@Auntie Velvet:
*isn’t a write in.
FC – Next panel: The spider weaves “Some Moron” into its web.
Non Sequitur – Sid placed quite a group in this one. I hope someone is keeping an eye on the zebra and the crocodile.
Rex Morgan – Genius Sarah probably set the hot pan directly on the counter, so the counter is probably ruined, too.
Crankshaft – The landlord apparently didn’t do ant repairs or paint the apartment before Jeff moved in.
It must be rough being a comic strip character whose name, and indeed their very existence, is in flux based on the whims of a few bored online voters. Somewhere in its box, Schrödinger’s cat is/is not sympathetic.
@I speak Jive: *any repairs.
The type is too tiny on my phone.
@I speak Jive: Someone used a full link in a comment, so phones get blown up for today’s post. :-(
Blondie – I didn’t check out the voting, but I just wanted to remind everyone that BGSS readers named Tater Smif a long time ago.
E. Claire Applepie?
@taig: Yeah, I know. I found that turning the phone horizontally makes it much easier to read, but I hold it vertically to type.
@Ukulele Ike: Translating it as “orifice” makes about as much sense as what I’ve been able to get out of Bing Translate (“Is there anything else to offer you?”) or Google Translate (“Is something else offered?”). I guess it’s possible that she’s asking whether he wants to change the channel.
Then in the next two panels the word balloons are screwed up and it just becomes surreal.
Non- Sequitur: That’s not a real court! A real court has an owl presiding! Is this a case of Gabby Gator creating a hostile work environment for Zebadiah Zebra?
Here is a direct link to the name survey for Blondie’s new character, if you want to see the choices.
Blondie-The disappointing thing is that there is a picture of the new character on the Facebook page. I would rather come up with the punny name first and then have the artist draw the character around it.
Crank: Is “Jff n Pm used to live in Author Avatar #4’s old apartment” new information? I mean, I don’t know why that coincidence would surprise me; it’s very clear there’s only a couple of dozen or so “real” people in the Funkyverse, so presumably there’s also only enough real buildings for them all to be in. You think the Random Service Personnel Who Exist Only To Make Our “Heroes” Lives Difficult On Purpose For Some Reason need apartments? They get stacked in boxes when not in use!
JP: Not only does Helena barking orders here not make any sense, it’s also totally unnecessary; it would completely work if Pavel didn’t want to kill her in front of his own kid. I guess Ces might be worried that even the slightest pangs of concience might affect Pavel’s protrayal as a ruthless villain who won’t let anything stop his revenge, but he must realise that ship sailed a long time ago.
FG: One thing I’m always charmed by in Flash Gordon is the way that, despite Mongo’s 1930s-World-of-the-Future technology, television and radio transmissions are only ever used for communication and not mass media. I don’t even think we’ve even seen a Mongovian cinema! So yes, the closest thing they have to news programming is shadow puppets, that makes sense.
GT: Gil’s absolute favourite part of being a coach is when the Mudlarks lose and he can Show Himself To Be The Bigger Man by being gracious about it. Unfortunately, this year the baseball team looks halfway competent, so he has to work at it a bit harder than normal.
BLONDIE: So is nobody going to comment on the fact that the women in this strip all have the exact same face? Bad enough that they’re not allowed to express emotion, but that last panel looks like someone made it with CTRL-C, CTRL-V and then changed the hair color. It’s more blatant than Brooke McEldowney’s art, and that’s saying a lot.
@taig: Nuts. I was hoping for a redhead, so the three of them could cosplay the Power Puff Girls.
Here are the extended descriptions of the proposed names of the new Blondie pastry chef:
Prasha (Love/Resourceful)
Perfect for someone who pours their heart into every recipe and is always finding innovative ways to create delicious masterpieces.
Maya (Dream/Illusion/Compassion)
Reflects her dreamy creations, compassionate nature, and ability to turn culinary fantasies into reality.
Tanvi (Delicate/Beautiful/Graceful)
A name that embodies her delicate touch, beautiful presentations, and graceful demeanor in the kitchen.
Deeva (A divine being)
Signifying her exceptional talent and the divine flavors she brings to every dish.
Naya (Leader/Guide/Wisdom/Freshness)
Represents her leadership in the kitchen, guiding others with wisdom, and always bringing fresh ideas to the table.
@I speak Jive: @richardf8: re Non Sequitur: We’ve been pushin’ the ensemble groups lately – they offer more visual impact and are typically discounted! And this group today has a special bonus – Ol’ Rex starring as The Judge! He’s showing his softer, gentler side here. I know you were expecting Oliver “Wise” Owl to recreate his signature role, but sometimes it’s good to “shake things up” … especially when things have been slow for Rex. Oliver can always get eyeglass commercials.
Yeah, they did a clever pairing of the Croc and Zebra! Sort of a “prompt” to get the audience involved in the scenario! Don’t worry about these two – they are good buds in real life. You often see them hanging out after work at The Watering Hole.
MT: Okay, so a low-flying helicopter has something hanging out the side projecting…. um, Jules, you might want to recheck the laws of aerodynamics.
@Lord Flatulence, Blondie: What? No write-ins? I wanted to suggest “Chip Gizmo” or “Luda”.
@Lord Flatulence: To the Hindu, “Maya” as dream/illusion is not considered a GOOD thing. Maya distracts from seeing the world as it truly is; it distracts, it “pulls the wool over one’s eyes.” Beware of Maya, she’ll have her hands in Blondie and Tootsie’s till.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: “Morning Breeze” and “Liquid Ass” were rejected for the Bakery Chef naming contest.
@Little Guy: How about “Luba,” after one of the central characters in Gilbert Hernandez’s Heartbreak Soup comics? Luba’s chest was bigger than Blondie and Tootsie put together.
@Ukulele Ike: Wow, you’re right.
RMMD: Oh jeeze – Candy’s still an afterthought in the panels today! And livin’ in LaLa Land after they dosed her with Benadryl. Man, they have really screwed up her Big Chance to demonstrate her dramatic chops here… wait! Is she… sniffing Rex’s crotch? GoodGodAmighty!
See, folks! This is what happens when you try to work without an agent who’ll protect your reputation!
@Lord Flatulence: So, they picked a name that might make them reach beyond ‘a whiter shade of pale’ in the color palate? Bold if true.
@Dr. Larry Erhardt: “Somewhere in its box, Schrödinger’s cat is/is not sympathetic.”
How do you know? I tried to ask the cat and ended up shooting it. Ironically, that made the cat sympathetic, in a way it never could have been if I’d just left the box alone.
Zippy – As Andy Warhol once said, “In the 1930s, everybody will be in a Dorothea Lange photo at least once.”
If the team behind Blondie wants to wake up the strip with a person of color, why don’t they go with Aunt Jemima?
Pluggers: Pluggers wallow in self-pity, and no one likes to be around them.
MW: It’s a shame about Zak’s torn ACL, at least judging by this drawing that depicts his femur oriented 90 degrees from his tibia.
Blondie: “That’s would be great!” “I agree!” “Good call!!” Blondie and Tootsie morphed into Edda and Amos so gradually we never even noticed.
@Voshkod: Follow the link in the comic to see her picture. She’s actually kind of orange.
@The Rambling Otter: You’re one of those otters that live near Loon Lake, where the BWCA extends into Quetico, right? Pretty sure Sequitur will be paddling up that way to chat about that link. Meanwhile, feel free to bookmark the link in my username. It’s a handy dandy tool for embedding links nicely. Still up to you to get the URL right, though.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX:
Write something snarky about today’s Mary Worth.
ChatGPT
Today on Mary Worth: another riveting episode of “Watching Paint Dry: The Soap Opera Edition.”
Write something snarky about The Far Side.
ChatGPT
The Far Side: where the humor is as timeless as your grandpa’s collection of dad jokes, but with more cows and aliens.
Write something snarky about Shakespeare.
ChatGPT
Ah, Shakespeare: where every love story ends in tragedy, every villain gets a soliloquy longer than a CVS receipt, and where “To be, or not to be” is the question you ask yourself when you realize you have to read his plays for class.
@Just John:
I forgot one
Write something snarky about Scratchy Scrotum LXIX.
ChatGPT
Ah, Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: Because apparently, 68 iterations of it just weren’t enough to satisfy the discerning reader’s appetite for cringe-worthy titles.
@Lord Flatulence: Here’s Luba, For people who don’t like to do searches. She carried that little hammer around to deal with any Palomar townspeople who tried to get handsy.
@127 Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars!: Not meaning to second guess an animal star professional but could Candy not be drugged but extremely bored by the storyline to the point of catatonia? I could see that happen.
Marvin is sitting there looking at his hot dog lunch, at best it was cooked this morning so it’s long cold now; do his parents think he can use the microwave? He can’t. it hasn’t even been cut up, the odds of him choking on it are incredibly high but nobody responsible for his care or feeding seems to have considered that. he looks around the table: a sandwich, a simple but sensible option for a child starting to gain mastery their hand and mouth coordination; Some sort of brown sauce, probably some sort of fruit and vegetable puree formulated to provide a healthy serving of vitamins and minerals. “I want what he’s having,” he thinks, through a hollow smile “a childhood shepherded by adults who care about my health and wellbeing.”
I don’t know about anyone else, but days when a comic strip serves as a public service announcement rather than a lame attempt at humor makes me feel those six seconds were well spent.
Thank you, Beetle Bailey.
Blondie – Everyone is assuming a woman will fill the slot. I’m for a male German pastry chef – Herr Pie….
In case you missed it, the folks at Sally Forth are also asking us to help name Kev’s new sort of almost maybe girlfriend. The link currently takes you to the Bismark waste treatment website, but I’m sure they’re busy fixing it.
@Dennis Jimenez: (Cary Grant meme) ……OUT!
Blondie – I think it should be a cybernetic beefcake with a thick Austrian accent who specializes in strudels and croissants. They can call him: The Laminator.
GT: Gil’s strategy is to be able to forfeit the entire season with the excuse, “Not my fault. My whole team was out for injuries.”
@richardf8:
#146 BLONDIE:. While I think it’s great everyone is considering a woman for this high profile role, thank you Richard for reminding us that historically a man would have been chosen. I’m hoping the top two candidates will compete against each other in a bake off. Free samples.
PMP:. While no one objects to inattentive people mangling the words of the national anthem, they would be aghast if anyone respectfully knelt.
@Ukulele Ike: #92: That reminded me of the old standard “Have Some Madeira, My Dear'” that Tony Randall once performed while a guest on the Tonight Show.
@Just John: Write something snarky about Scratchy Scrotum LXIX.
ChatGPT
Ah, Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: Because apparently, 68 iterations of it just weren’t enough to satisfy the discerning reader’s appetite for cringe-worthy titles.
***
I guess that means I nailed it, because there will not be a Scratchy Scrotum LXX.
Blondie: The new pastry chef has pink and blue highlights in her hair, which if Walker-Browne has any interns under 40 may indicate she’s pansexual. Dear Lord, can you imagine the puns?
Pluggers: When you see Henrietta Beak without her glasses you know she’s in her superhero identity, Pain Reliever Finding Woman. (Still better than Wilburman.)
C-Shaft: “Ha-ha. Just kidding. The only thing you left was a stash of nasty stroke mags. Absolutely depraved stuff. Had to get rid of them all after six months.”
DT: As he grills Blowtop Sam will show off every bit of Bob Fosse choreography he ever memorized. Within an hour Blowtop will be begging to talk to Dick again. Rare is the crook who can stand up to the old Meh Cop/Broadway Cop routine.
Dustin: The frequency of Dustdad’s visits to the doctor can only be explained as hypochondria. Calling him fat is a distraction.
H&L No, the real birthday gift is that Hi convinced his wife to come to the office in an S.E. Cupp disguise, thus catering to some predilection of Mr. Foofram’s that we’d all be happier not knowing about.
JP: Did this beeyotch just drop the b-bomb on Pavel’s own daughter? If he doesn’t decapitate Helena with a hunting knife as soon as Alina is out of the room his reputation is really going to suffer.
Luann: Luann’s just repeating everything Bets and Tiff told her five minutes ago. She’s full of potential, all right. Potential to be a pliable hostage.
MT: Mark has been reduced to heckling a flying plasma screen TV, so I don’t think the pilot not hearing him ranks among his top five problems.
MW: Aww, buck up, Wilbur. Maybe you can step on some kids foot and indirectly save him from being crushed by a surprise rockslide.
Phantom: Devil can drink a lil blood from a mercenary’s jugular as a treat.
@Just John:
Write something snarky about Just John
ChatGPT
Just John thinks the sun shines out of his own selfies.
This is fun.
Write something snarky about Baja Gaijin.
ChatGPT
Baja Gaijin: where cultural appropriation meets a sunburn.
Write something snarky about Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars!
ChatGPT
Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars, where the red carpet is rolled out for every paw and claw, but the humans are just there for the pooper scooper duty.
Write something snarky about Lord Flatulence.
ChatGPT
Lord Flatulence: where every decree comes with an odor.
Write something snarky about The Rambling Otter
ChatGPT
Ah, The Rambling Otter, where every sentence takes a detour through a stream of consciousness before finally reaching its destination… if it ever does. If you’re looking for a leisurely stroll through a labyrinth of tangents, it’s your go-to.
@The Rambling Otter: See, this one missed the ‘otter’ part of things. Sad.
Since the Girlfriends of Wilbur’s Past seem to have done their job in extending Wilbur’s pity party, Moy’s most likely preparing to balloon his ego to unnecessarily high levels. Or she decides that Wilbur needs to fall off the wagon which hopefully leads to another embarrassing stunt. Either way, it looks like our next feature will be Good Luck Schmuck.
@Voshkod: @The Rambling Otter:
This one’s better:
The Rambling Otter: Where coherent thoughts go to drown in a river of babble.
@Lord Flatulence: Nailed it.
@Voshkod:
Well, it did use the word “stream” possibly coincidentally.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: Anyone else having trouble getting a current Pluggers on gocomics?
Yes, Pluggers has been plugged up (and not by constipation.)
I decided to go all the way and suggested:
“Say something snarky about The Comics Curmudgeon”
ChatGPT
I could, but then again, making fun of someone for being a curmudgeon is like mocking a cat for being aloof—it’s just in their nature.
Also, not related but just for fun, I asked ChatGPT to write a Haiku about David Tennant.
ChatGPT
Time Lord in Blue Box
Tennant’s wit and charm allure
Galaxies adore
Then I get an network error.
“There was an error generating a response”
I was given an option to click “Regenerate”
I LOVE YOU CHATGTP
BLONDIE: Yet another opportunity missed because I refuse to inflict myself on social media or vice versa. I’ll live with the sadness.
@Nancy: Thanks! Per #164, now I’m not even sad.
@Guillermo el chiclero: That’s where I heard it first also! But the original is by Flanders & Swann.
And there are more Lascivious versions.
Blondie fan fic! The two perpetually hot housewives, who went into business to escape their unsatisfying home lives, interview “Kreme” Phillip, fresh from prison where he sublimated his urges by mastering French cooking. Blinds down and “Closed” sign on door …
Write a snarky haiku about ChatGPT:
Type a request, then
Hit return. You get some snark
Or a big gumball.
Late Thread Cuisine: In honor of Wilbur Weston.
@Baja Gaijin: A fitting tribute.
@170 taig: It’s hard finding an entrée with a combover.
Write something snarky about beaver.
ChatGPT
Beavers: nature’s architects or just furry little tree-chompers with delusions of grandeur?
Write something snarky about Dick.
ChatGPT
Dick: the name that’s a punchline in itself. Because if you’re named Dick, well, chances are life’s already dicked you enough.
Write something snarky about Maude R. Fawker.
ChatGPT
Well, Maude R. Fawker certainly lives up to her name – always ready to fawk things up with her impeccable timing and remarkable knack for causing chaos.
Write a limerick about Nantucket.
ChatGPT
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose wit was as sharp as a tucket.
He’d sail on the sea,
With a grin full of glee,
And his tales? Well, you just couldn’t duck it!
@Poteet: Actually, you don’t even need the social media. Just go to https://bit.ly/ournewcharacter to see the choices and vote.
@Baja Gaijin: It’s fitting because not only do both Wilbur and the dish have combovers but Wilbur is also a coward…or a chicken as some would say.
@174 Needless Exposition: You got the reference!
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV:
ChatGPT
I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV… because apparently, ‘Eldritch Horror’ is the new black for primetime. Who needs good old-fashioned heroes when you can have tentacles and madness on your side?
@Baja Gaijin: Wilbur Headcheese!
@Ukulele Ike:
It’s customary to say that an unusual phrase “would make a great name for a rock group”, but if Wilbur Headcheese plays a gig in my town I’m not going.
@Baja Gaijin: Wilbur: “What am I, chopped liver?”
Iris: “Worse. Pureed liver.”
@Ukulele Ike: Oh yeah, the Max Headroom spin-off that was mercifully cancelled at the very first commercial break during the initial episode.
@Artist formerly known as Ben: But I play lead euphonium! Rhythm euphonium doubles on balalaika. And our bassist simultaneously plays the drums, with his feet. It’s something to see! Like a freak show!
Line up at the stage door for autographs.
I suggest a big German pastry chef named Fraulein Gertie.
@Lord Flatulence: I just realized these names were probably chosen so that they’re all about the same length, and therefore any one of them can be written into the blanks in the word balloons of strips that have already been drawn.
@177 Ukulele Ike: AAAAAHHHH!!!!!
@179 Peanut Gallery: Good one!
@180 taig: Another good one!
OBVIOUSLY Blondie’s new pastry chef should be Irma – Dagwood’s original fiancé, forced on him by his cruel parents.
@Peanut Gallery:
What am I, chopped liver?
ChatGPT
Certainly not! You’re not chopped liver; you’re just as important and valued as anyone else. What’s on your mind?
Blondie: For the new pastry chef, I suggest Wilbur Weston
@JustSomeGuy: Blondie: For the new pastry chef, I suggest Wilbur Weston
The whitish glaze on the danishes will always be mayo.
@Lord Flatulence: Thank you! Turns out I couldn’t vote without providing personal info, but it was fun to see the choices and wonder which one will win.
LUANN: I like/love/enjoy many people, real and imaginary, who are not seething with passion and/or genius, so why do I find Luann so especially bleaarrgh? Since it’s late at night anyway, I’ll think about the inner essence of Luann for justa…coupla..minut…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Blondie: Don’t even bother Dean Young. You won’t be able to surpass the Beetle Bailey fans who voted to inflict “Chip Gizmo” on the world back in 2002.
If Marv wants to have what Burp-baby appears to be eating, he only needs to dump the contents of his full diaper on the table in front of him, and dig in. Bon appetit!
Disappointed no one pointed out that Pluggers know that anyone telling you life isn’t pain is trying to sell you something.