Marital mirth
Post Content
Luann, 9/6/24
I won’t trouble you with the months-long “Brad and Toni consider having a child, then reconsider after caring for Toni’s niece Shannon” narrative. But it firmly established two principles of marital sex (ugh, “romance”) in Luann: 1) Sex is permitted for procreation only, and 2) the presence of a child in the home absolutely precludes any sex. That’s why Brad looks so giddy in the last panel: he knows he’ll have sex with his wife exactly once in the next eighteen years, so he figures it must be really great.
9 Chickweed Lane, 9/6/24
These people, on the other hand, are having sex all the time, on pianos, under restaurant booths, in showers, and most of all in lakes. All, with the merciful exception of Lolly there, who is underage and just talks about sex all the time while her swain Alistair mumbles and hiccups erotically in reply. Hugh may be a foul-mouthed brute, but he’s an articulate foul-mouthed brute.
Pluggers, 9/6/24
Married pluggers acknowledge and respect their spouses’ separate interests, and remain affectionate with no need to climb all over each other all the time. Pluggers are well-adjusted!
Crankshaft, 9/6/24
Apparently the Burnings referenced in the final days of Funky Winkerbean started when Les Moore bought copies of the banned Fahrenheit 451 for “Booksmellers” to give away to his students. Pretty on-brand that the insufferable Les triggered a civilization-ending apocalypse! Pretty efficient of a censor-arsonist to target bookstores: “Eh, choosing’s hard; I’ll just burn all the books!” And pretty surprising that Lillian’s walkup firetrap survived the blazes.
Or is it? We know Lillian is a spiteful harridan who ruined sister Lucy’s love life out of petty envy, and left her to die alone in hospice care. Is it really beyond her to torch competitors, the bastards, so she can maybe sell a few damn books once in a while? Don’t dig too deep, Skip Townes, you may not like what you find!
Why hello there, faithful reader! I’m subbing for Josh through Sunday the 22nd, with a sampling of the Comics Even Josh Won’t Read Because He Doesn’t Have To, as well as plenty of old familiars. If you run into any issues with the site or subscriber emails contact me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net and I’ll do what I can to help. Enjoy!
—Uncle Lumpy
164 replies to “Marital mirth”
Pluggers: Please, we all know that “the yarn store” is what pluggers call that diner where they spend all morning swapping tall tales with their buddies. This guy isn’t going because he can’t stand to hear those stories for the 80th time, and also because you get tired of omelets when you’re married to a chicken.
Oh, good, Uncle Lumpy…
*reads over*
Nope, he’s just as big as a hasbeen as Josh.
FC-“Thanks. I know a woman who likes to wear dog collars.”
MW-“Do you know that Ed is a Furry?”
Crankshaft-People are trying to keep copies of “Lisa’s Story” from doubling and spreading.
This is really great for you to step in for Josh like this. But I don’t believe that you’re really “Uncle Lumpy.” I believe that you’re a cleverly-disguised Rene Belluso from RMMD.
MW:
“You’ve been hanging out with Ed, have you, Stell? — have you been checked for ticks and fleas lately? ‘Cause if you have, you’ve come to the right place!”
@Guillermo el chiclero, Curtis: Nope, you’re right. We’re in Magic Bean Land, but it may be a College Fund for the kids, which will grow in time and allow Barry to pay for all his books first semester.
CS: Naw, it was one of those hippity-hoppity Thug 4 Life Music CD stores in disguise, and the parents found out about it and burned it down.
CS: This is truly a Greek tragedy. The action all happens offstage and a chorus of freaky-looking people with caricatures for faces tell you what’s happening. And somebody will have sex with their mother, which I assume most people in the Funkyverse do on a regular basis.
Crankshaft : What are the odds that Skip DIDN’T interview the owner of Booksmellers? That, instead of going to an actual source relevant to the article he’s writing, he just went to one of the three people he knows/is always writing about to ask them for a comment?
Like, Lillian (seemingly) has no idea this happened, and thus can just offer a generic “it would be awful if it happened to my store”, you might as well have interviewed Crankshaft
who would also be a more probable suspect for “unexplained fires burning several buildings”*************
Luann : this SUMMER-LONG “Toni and Bwad have to watch Shannon for longer than usual; an entire month” storyline was just…
I’ll just mention the part where these two “model parents” had to have Brad’s mom bail them out. And how ALL Toni did was inexplicably get into bed with Shannon and tickle her until Shannon peed herself.
CS: So, Les taught Fahrenheit 451 to his students, and then one of them set fire to some books. Too bad he didn’t listen to the school board!
9CL: Brooke is fascinated with the Idea of discussing one’s sex life with one’s mother- and father-in-law. Thankfully, there is no divorce and remarriage in his universe anymore, or else we’d be hearing, “Stepson, what are you doing?”
Luann: Back to the way things have always been.
RMMD:
“I’m gonna have to apologize to Wanda for pitchin’ that fit at the diner. On the other hand, she’s never apologized to me for that weird sticky white thing she’s had in the front of her hair from the time I met her, so I guess we’re even!”
Chix (sic): NO KILL I
MW: And BOOM there it is, Dr. Ed has a secret only his ex would know! What might it be? In the Moyverse it might be something really shocking that might shake their relationship, like growing up working class (shudder) or not liking seafood.
Real jump scare to open the page and see Luann and 9 Chickweed Lane.
Luann: “Ooo-aaa-la-la-la-la-laaaa! Caught in a
sadBrad romance…”9CL Nope, sorry Lumpy, you can’t trick me into reading that.
Plugger polycules are really more about sharing driving duties.
C’shaft It’s been so long since I’ve read this strip I’ve forgotten about their brand of humor, or humor substitute, as it were. Processed joke loaf, I believe it’s called.
Starting immediately with Luann and 9 Chickweed Lane? Haven’t you ever heard of easing yourself in? Diving straight to that depth of awfulness is going to give you compression sickness!
You’re a Plugger if you buy your yarn from a brick-and-mortar store instead of ordering it from Amazon like the guy on the couch…wait, he’s a Plugger too? Crap, I thought I had figured out what a Plugger is.
Thanks for taking the reins, Uncle Lumpy!
Luann: “If romance cures sadness, why do you always cry afterwards?”
9CL: The patrons of that diner must be relieved that the couple in “that booth” waited to get fucky.
Pluggers: Pluggers also practice “selective eating.”
CS: There’s burying the lede, and then there’s burying the lede in a lead coffin, sanctifying the ground, placing holy wafers around the burial site, and taking other steps to ensure the lede will never rise again.
But pluggers are into cross-species relationships, so they can be a little kinky.
Luann: In the final panel Piggynose is getting “excited” while Beaklips has that winsome look that implies, “Damn, fantasizing about Dirk’s manly manliness in bed isn’t working any more…”
Pluggers: Today’s strip could cover many tropes, like, “You’re a plugger if you’re too poor to pay for all the displays you knock over and break because you’re too fat to fit through the aisles so you lie on the couch wondering if today is the day you’ll poop.” There, I got three tropes in: poverty-stricken, obese, and disease-ridden.
Family Circus: The dog’s side eye at Billy says it all without saying anything: “I’ve dropped piles of poop smarter than that kid.”
MW: Oooooh! There’s going to be trouble in Paradise soon!…
**gleefully rubs hands together**
9CL: this is one of the most one-note comic strips ever. Woman is horny for her nerdy husband. Rinse lather repeat.
MW: Cue the Dandy Warhols’ “We Used To Be Friends.”
FC: That’s when Billy hit upon his new fashion choice, much to the chagrin of his parents, neighbors, school teachers, etc.
MW – I knew it! Ed puts ketchup on his hot dogs. The swine!
Luann: “Huh huh, now we get to do sex stuff, huh huh.” – a mature adult human, per the Evanses
9CL: This comic is a hate crime against art.
CS: There are a lot of people who might have interesting and relevant things to say about this incident: the owner and employees of the bookstore, the students, the parents of the students and other protestors, first responders, school management, and even… sigh… Les Moore. So naturally Skip Rawlings beelined straight to Lillian Mackenzie, the one person guaranteed to have nothing useful or insightful to contribute.
JP: We’re back to this again after two and a half months? It’s been quite a while; I’d say it’s been long enough for Marciuliano to have forgotten what the Neddy subplot was about, but he can lose track of his stories between panels, so that’s not saying much. Anyway, over in the untamed sylvan wilderness of Los Angeles, Neddy has managed to find Declan’s parents, which wasn’t really a problem to begin with considering they’re supposed to be extremely prominent, were never missing in the first place, and Neddy’s had access to a full CIA dossier on them for a quarter of a year. Ronnie is still stridently opposed to Neddy’s efforts to get Declan’s family to meet up and explore the possibility of reconciliation, because… I ‘unno, Declan might forever despise her for trying this, apparently. That may sound like a total non sequitur to a sane person, but this is Judge Parker.
MW: Oh hey, it’s Garfield! This is a fun little cameo, though America’s favorite Monday-hating feline is just here accompanying Jon, who’s visiting the vet to learn how much dog semen he has to drink to cure his moobs and turkey-foot hands.
RMMD: Wait, so now Truck’s admitting he destroyed the coffee cup and made a big mess (and then ran away) not as a reaction of pain but a decision of anger and fear? I know that turning the lowest of molehills into Kilimanjaro is just how this strip rolls, but let’s nonetheless put this in plain terms: Truck has become a rage-fueled, terrified, shame-filled wreck who is lashing out at his girlfriend and on the verge of giving up on life because his hand has been hurting a little bit for a couple hours of one day.
MW: See’s thought bubble: “How well do you know Doctor Ed…or should I say Mohammad Mahdi Khan-Pour Ardestani.”
Luann — Because nothing instills Romance like doing it on a lumpy sofa underneath an unframed tacked-up poster of a car from the seventies!
The presence of a one-armed man signals the start of thrilling intrigue, adventure and drama! Or it would, if this was “The Fugitive,” rather than Crankshaft. Get to the part where a dude dressed up as a plant shoots them all!
FC: Jeff substituted Barfy for himself when he updated the original strip.
@But What Do I Know?: Toni lost the “Should we make this look like a home adults live in, or should we make it look like a basic dorm room” fight.
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: I would personally campaign for Batiuk’s Pulitzer if he did that.
Dennis the Menace: I like how “many questions” seems to be emphasized. “I stopped before they incriminated themselves. I was not a cooperative citizen.”
Luann: I’m not sure what strip Uncle Lumpy’s been reading, but a) caring for Shannon does not seem to have dampened Brad’s enthusiasm to have kids, nor does it seem to have stunted Toni’s burgeoning willingness to consider it; and b) it’s well established (within the bounds of a PG-rated strip) that Brad and Toni get it on on the regular.
I only read the comics here so I don’t have enough context to… oh thank the gods, it’s Pluggers! I don’t know what’s more disturbing, that I got excited to see Pluggers or that it’s the rare comic that displays a healthy marital relationship, especially around the whole “wife wants to drag the husband out shopping” trope.
When is the last time that 9 Chickwood Lane had a strip that wasn’t about how every single character is hornier than a 14-year-old boy in the women’s underwear section of Wal-Mart?
CS: “I need a quote from you about the book store that was set on fire last night.”
“Oh my!”
“Could you elaborate on that?”
“Oh my God!”
“Got it. That’s gold! Thanks.”
@James: Amazingly, less that two weeks ago.
Luann – Brad thinks he’s about to get lucky, but that poster tells us (as in the old urban legend) that it’s “no go.”
Dustin “Our bills are large, but fortunately we can afford everything with your draws from the law firm.”
“Uh, about that….apparently time spent in the break room isn’t billable, and after they pay for my donuts, I owe them $3000.”
Don Abundio, translated:
“May I have the next dance?”
“Maybe! Will you put some money in my purse?”
“How about later?”
“You can watch your purse while I stare at your tits!”
@Uncle Lumpy? Whatever:
Please state your specific grievances. It’ll be more interesting than reading complaints about the artwork in newspaper comics.
Vintage Beetle Bailey: Could this be the first appearance of Miss Blips and Miss Buxley? Inquiring minds want to know…
Mary Worth: Yes! Just how well DO we know Dr. Ed? I for one am hoping that an illegal dissection scandal is in the plot line for Stel to uncover.
It’s always fun when Uncle Lumpy comes to visit! Welcome back!
Frazz: Look, Caufield, the next person who asks you will be the first, so quit your sniveling and man up.
RMMD: “I’m gonna have to apologize. But my finger lockin’ up made me so mad — and scared. So I did what any man would do — I acted like a two-year-old. That’s understandable, right?”
MW: “We go way back. But, you know, I guess we just got a little bored with each other. The beatings became kind of pro forma, and after a while they just got stale. I mean, how many times can you get a kick out of nipple clips? So I’m glad to see him happy again. I still have a pair of fur-lined handcuffs around somewhere if you would like them.”
So this town burns Ray Bradbury, while Lisa’s Story, Atomik Komix, Dinkle’s Jazz Messiah, and The John Darling Show are all major successes. I knew the people in the Funkyverse had bad taste, but sheesh.
Luann: Brad subconsciously knows exactly where this night of “romance” is actually going, which is why he put up that poster of the Chevy Nova… which in Spanish means “it doesn’t go.”
You’re a Plugger if you’re a professional soccer player who injures yourself badly enough you miss a few matches because you coughed too hard. Or poked yourself in the eye with your flight’s boarding pass. Or hurt your jaw eating a carrot.
Crankshaft Without Crankshaft: Of course, we did not actually see the store go up in flames, because there’s no “burning building” clip art in the Crankshaft Reusable Art Portfolio and Dan “Copypasta is the Best Pasta!” Davis sure isn’t going to draw any.
The Phantom: The Toasted Ghost?
Judge Parker: Meanwhile, let’s see what the other two dummies are up to.
@Hannibal’s Lectern: In Dan’s defense, he is putting as much effort into the art as the author puts into the writing, and I don’t see why he would want to do anything to elevate this stuff.
Luann: Hey, did the Evanses forget about that TJ guy? Somewhat shady fellow, with an off-putting rictus grin and hair like Eriq LaSalle in Coming to America? Variable ethnic appearance, depending on which Photoshop skin tone was most easily clickable that day? Lived with Brad and Toni and did all their cooking, cleaning, and various other chores for them, up to and including babysitting Shannon? THAT guy. Where is he? Are Brad and Toni keeping him in a gimp box now? (If you got a mental image of what that might look like, I’m sorry.)
Wallace the Brave was cute.
“Wow. I thought the crime was going to be about your arm.”
“What about my arm?”
“Your missing arm.”
“My what?” Glances over, starts to scream.
MW: Like the gullible sap that I am, I got all excited; “Oh boy, a plot twist!” But then I came back to earth. I’m sure it’s just that Ed has bouts of existential angst.
9CL: I don’t think Alistair’s mommy is too thrilled with Lolly. Of course, any actual catfights would just consist of outrageously long entangled legs, so why bother?
September 23rd:
“After all the stability we had with Uncle Lumpy this month, we’re right back to Josh’s manic snarking.”
“And happy about it. Guess that’s our normal.”
Curtis: “Lottery tickets, baby! We’re gonna be rich!”
DT: When Curtis draws a lot of those things, you notice how much they look like cockroaches.
Uncle Lumpy: “Well, since Josh is gone, I’ll just take a peek at the strips he’s been ignoring and –*OH MY DEAR LORD IN HEAVEN*!
A clue that a picture was generated by AI is extra fingers on a hand. And a clue that a comics blog post was generated by AI is praise for Pluggers. Nice try, Uncle Lumpy Bot!
@taig, Luann: Is that Brad talking to Toni, or Toni talking to Brad?
9cl: are we to believe the guy who couldn’t tinkle unless the bathroom looked exactly like the bathroom of his childhood talks dirty?
@Little Guy: I intended that to be Toni talking to Brad, but, I’ll be damned, it works either way.
Crankshaft – I hate to think that one of the reasons Batiuk was able to survive so long as a newspaper cartoonist was that he had some access to visions of the future, and that through use of ESP and magic he managed to manifest a whole career for himself. The narrative jumps in the strip were calculated to bring longevity to his career, even as cancer and CTE cost him some of the key characters in his work along the way (a narrative form of sacrifice for the dark gift he is given).
When The Burnings do happen (which Batiuk presaged as the current culture war) there will be a hidden book store above on Ohio garage where his work will be preserved. The only cost will be that the collected works of Ray Bradbury will have to be lost in the cultural carnage to keep Les Moore’s smug visage preserved as an example of 20th Century pop culture.
The only way people like us can fight back against this is to set up our own secret bookstores with ample copies of Bradbury and other great literature referenced by characters in the strip. Also, copies of Josh’s book The Enthusiast and printed and bound archives of this blog to let the people who find Batiuk’s work know that not everyone was smugly satisficed with it like Les.
@Schroduck: “Starting immediately with Luann and 9 Chickweed Lane?”
Some people like to tackle the worst chore first and get it over with. Uncle Lumpy is clearly in this group. Now that these three abominable strips are out of the way, I look forward to enjoying his take on *other* comics that Josh ignores.
Lalo Y Lola Spanish to English.
REX MORGAN M.D.: Truck: “If I can’t play the guitar, I’ll end up becoming a bum sponging off my girlfri….wait a minute.”
@Tom T.: CS: I think maybe you’ve got it
@jnoble:
9C: Rinse lather repeat. Ad infinitum.
Thanks for subbing, UL.
CURTIS:. Ah, this arc is winding down to perfect ending. Dad wasn’t mugged nor did he buy cigs with $5K Curtis gave him from Hobknockers. Instead, he saw family being evicted for medical debt or church that had just had a major uninsured fire. Only thing lacking is for that family or church to invite Greg and family to a potluck.
Agrees with my philosophy:. Blessings must be shared with others in need, or they become curses.
Therein, as Curtis I would have given Dad half and kept rest in college account. If Dad, I would have given half to needy group and helped them plan how to raise the rest. Instead, as working class blacks, they entirely embraced community. And they’ll get loved for it.
Q:. What would Dustin and his Dad have done?
Dick Tracy: What happened to his swirly, spiral eyeballs?
9 CHICKWEED LANE: Ok I don’t normally read this thing, or pay much attention to it when it’s mentioned here, but now that it’s front and center on the page, all I can say is that I don’t care for Woody Allen: The Comic Strip.
@Lord Flatulence: Junji Ito sued Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
@taig:
“Post coitum omne animal triste est sive gallus et mulier” — Galen
And Brad is no rooster.
@Schroduck: Well Uncle Lumpy wanted to provide an apt demonstration for why Josh is avoiding these strips….
MW: INTRIGUE ON A SOAPY FRIDAY!!!! Well…Intrigue as much as Mary Worth can provide but intrigue nonetheless!!!
I’m not happy that I know this, but Lolly is not underage. She is 20. The reason she hasn’t fucked Alistair yet is because they aren’t married. This may be a horny, sex-obsessed comic but it’s a *Catholic* horny, sex-obsessed comic.
@Professor Well Actually:
“9cl: are we to believe the guy who couldn’t tinkle unless the bathroom looked exactly like the bathroom of his childhood talks dirty?”
This is the same Hugh that took years to impregnate his wife, because he somehow thought that the deed was accomplished by getting into the pond (of course) and then letting his wife crawl onto his back and wrap her legs around his chest. There was a never ending sequence of panels where he was in the water with a confused look on his face while his wife swam around underwater and looked for worms.
9CL – Be glad that he didn’t cover the strip where Lolly (the aged up twin in the first panel – she was eight years old last month) – decides to seduce her fiancee by sitting on the piano with her legs spread at a 180 degree angle and inviting him to finish his sheet music so she could show him what is spread open behind it.
I guess I covered that one. So you don’t have to!
It’s impressive how the couple in Luann (Boni and Trad?) manage to be both smug and judgmental and horny at the same time. That is art.
CS: Aha, the 4 am interview (per the Moon phase), that always works!
@taig: Thanks for making me look up Junji Ito.
@66 Activist: Q:. What would Dustin and his Dad have done?
Dustin would get it all in cash, put the cashroll in his front pocket, then go to the bar to pick up chicks, possibly successfully. Dustdad will steal the money and spend it all on donuts. Fresh donuts no one in the office has already touched, coughed over, or spit on.
@2+2=7:
Then you definitely don’t want to know about this:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inside_Woody_Allen
@Lord Flatulence: You’re welcome! Surely, you’d agree he’s less horrifying than 9CL and Luann.
Phantom: Quick, Stripey. Just let robodog sniff your butt and he’ll become your friend.
Luann: I’m calling bull on this strip because there is absolutely no way any of the hyper-repressed and puritanical characters in Luann have any comprehension of how sex even works, let alone a desire to have it. This comic must take place in a world where humans reproduce through genetic vats.
9 Chickweed Lane: On the other end of the spectrum, I’m always deeply annoyed that the only newspaper comic that seems willing to acknowledge sex in a remotely positive and normal way is one of the worst written and most hideously drawn of them. Like, c’mon, man, you’re carrying things for the horny old folks.
Crankshaft: Thus begins a Lovecraftian horror story in which Townes uncovers the terrifying mystery of how the Funky Winkerbean cast took over Crankshaft’s comic.
Pull wool over my eyes since in Pluggerland, yarn stores must be where sheep are sheared so someone’s heading to a boudoir.
CRANKSHAFT: When Skip quit his big newspaper gig in a fit of righteousness, he was presented as an interpret reported standing up for journalistic freedom and integrity. But the way he’s beaming all giddy about this arson to an unrelated, uninvolved person he’s interviewing, maybe the newspaper was gutted because it was run by a bunch of tabloid-y hacks. (Leave it to this strip and it’s awful, awful characters to make your sympathies lie with a hedge fund.)
Dear god, is that what the men of 9 Chickweed Lane look like nowadays? Hugh looks like Xiulan pieced him together from a Chia Head stuffed on top of a used scarecrow.
Pluggers: “We’re going to the yarn store. Want to come?” “Gosh yes. I promise I’ll make good use of the first ten minutes that you are gone, doing that.”
@Maude R. Fawker:
Pluggers: “We’re going to the yam store. Want to come?” “No, and please pay more attention to your kerning.”
C’mon, Uncle Lumpy, do Pibgorn next! There’s a fresh installment up that is not even one month old!
Mary Worth – I’ve been wondering since this arc started just what will happen to get Mary involved. It seemed like it would be Estelle’s bridezilla act, but now there’s the startling information that maybe Dr. Ed is not what he seems. Mary will have a meddlegasm if she gets to deal with two problems with the couple.
Crankshaft – “Oh, my.” That’s exactly the kind of literate, thoughtful, comprehensive statement one could expect from a best selling mystery writer.
Frazz – Does Caulfield read book reviews to decide what he’s going to read next? Should reviews be as long as the book they’re reviewing?
Sherman’s Lagoon – Watch out. The Beatles’ attorneys are almost as bad as Disney when it comes to protecting their property.
JP – No. Don’t do it.
For all you Mudges out there who plan to resume ignoring Crankshaft again once Uncle Lumpy’s done with it, I’ll let you know right now that Lillian is the arsonist and will admit it once Skip has coaxed the confession out of her, Columbo-style. Also, Ed Crankshaft last appeared (excluding Sundays) in the comic strip named after him on August 3, after once again setting his grill and himself on fire. Perhaps he died of smoke inhalation in the meantime. What am I, Social Services?
@Uncle Lumpy: We’re going to the yam store.
I’LL TRY TO REMEMBER TO USE all-caps WHEN YOU ARE ON DUTY.
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: Don’t forget the murderous talking chimp.
MW: For crying out loud…vanilla-pudding Ed has a sordid backstory??? OHMYGAWDOHMYGAWDOHMYGAWD!!!
There’s as much melodrama in these insipid stories as there is real cream in Mel-O-Cream donuts.
@Bob Tice: #5
If that’s the case, expect petty crimes, scams and hijinks aplenty for the next couple weeks!! :-)
It’s time for an oldie but goodie.
@Voshkod, Luann: Even Batty could only manage smug and judgmental in FunkyShaft.
@Little Guy: Brooke can hit all three, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen them in the same strip.
Zits: {start rant} All 3 of my kids have weighted high-school GPAs well over 4.0 (all are straight-A students with multiple college-level classes taken). They all have extracurricular activities they enjoy, friends, and have well-balanced lives. The oldest has his associate’s degree already, and his sister will have one next spring. Yet, like Jeremy, it isn’t enough to get into a “good” school or score a big scholarship.
I would like to blame somebody, but I’m not sure who. All I wanted for my kids was something a bit better than I got. To say the least, it is depressing.
{end rant}
It’s always great to have Uncle Lumpy in the hotseat, but for me, there’s always a tinge of foreboding that at some point I’m going to be reminded that Luann and 9CL exist. This time we’ve got them both over with straight away, so I can just look forward to the Turtle Carl post.
GT: Okay, I was wrong yesterday when I suggested that Gil wouldn’t tell Marty about Gerads being drunk. My reasoning was sound; it looks like being the better person, but by witholding information from Marty about his source, it’s actually being a petty dick. What I hadn’t considered was that by telling Marty “Yeah, your exclusive interview was with someone who didn’t even know what day it was”, he gets to be a petty dick to both of them! And by couching it in mock-polite language, he still gets to tell himself he’s the better man!
JP: You know, if I was a comic strip writer, and I’d attempted to fix the diversity issues in the strip I inherited by giving both my younger female characters a POC sidekick who uses their genre savviness to warn them against whatever they’re doing, I’d probably avoid actually juxtapositioning the two situations directly.
Luann: I think I’ve got a bit of a grasp on these characters based on comments here, so am I right in assuming that “stability” means “constantly bitching about what a terrible dad Jonah is, right in front of her, pretty much constantly”?
MW: Look, when we’ve had “Is Stell unreasonably jealous of Drs Ed and Shelia?” teased twice and both times have resolved it with “Oh, they used to date but now they don’t, that’s fine!” I refuse to be even slightly interested in Shelia’s “How well do you really know Ed?” I’m not convinced it indicates he has any kind of secret, even a lame one. Tomorrow’s strip will probably be a bit more inane conversation and then Shelia thinking “Sounds like she actually knows him pretty well. Which makes sense, what with them being engaged and all.”
@Horace Broon: If I were the Boss of Judge Parker and creating magical POC sidekicks for Neddy and Sophie, I would give them fully-realized characterization and not just make them both vaguely Brown.
@Ukulele Ike:Yeah, that too.
@Ukulele Ike:
But that might give the boomer readers the vapors
@Abomynous:
Re: Pibgorn. Alas it’s not a newspaper comic (for obvious reasons) and therefore out of scope for CC.
@taig: He’s a welcome relief.
@Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol:
If your kids are that smart, disciplined, and well-adjusted, any small, mid-“level” college will give them an excellent education, save you big bucks, and possibly have scholarships available. Look for opportunities to engage with faculty outside of class, and get through (or place out of!) the cattle-car intro classes and the second-year “quantitative methods” sequence as quickly as possible.
@Uncle Lumpy: Thanks for the encouragement, Lumpy. And thanks to everybody for affording me a few minutes of self-pity. I do appreciate it.
Zits just hit a bit too close to home today, that’s all.
@Horace Broon: Re: JP: Ces: “I resent your implications! I have created fully-realized characters, not a collection of interchangable vaguely “ethnic” tics and cliches tied to this archetype, isn’t that right Reena*?”
Reena (?): “Um…I’m actually playing “Ronnie” right now. I’ll be “Reena” again when Winter Comes to (Insert City Here).”
*They even have similar sounding names! Mr Marciuliano was NOT trying that hard, was he?
I haven’t been here in a while so I was surprised to see Josh discuss the hellmaws… and then I saw “Uncle Lumpy” at the bottom.
@Voshkod: And at that exact moment, Band Director Becky walks in and cheerfully waves hello with BOTH ARMS. Although she looks a bit asymmetrical…
To paraphrase Helen Kudlick, “We welcome Uncle Lumpy to the program.”
In the English-language Slylock Fox, we get a seal to draw. In the Spanish version, we get a cat. Did someone forget how to say “seal” in Spanish?
Lillian’s the one who torched the bookstore. Eliminating the competition, as it were.
Pluggers: “We’re going to the yarn store. Want to come?” “No thanks, I really need to organize my sock drawer.”
@Peanut Gallery: Makes you wonder whether Batuik is a fanboy of the 1927 film The Unknown, in which knife-thrower Lon Chaney has his arms chopped off to earn the
sick fetishlove of dancer Joan Crawford.@Peanut Gallery: “I couldn’t stop her! She had such a disarming smile!”
“Truck never throws a second cup of coffee at home!”
@Voshkod: “Well, forewarned is forearmed.”
“Hmm,” Becky muses. “Four arms, eh? Indeed, why stop at two?”
@Lord Flatulence: “We’re going to knock over the yarn store” “Should be easy, after all, its made of yarn.”- Walter Matthau, George Burns “Plungers Going In Style” (1980).
@Peanut Gallery: She could play two flutes at once, if she had two mouths.
@Ukulele Ike: She could play Vishnu in the Westview Holi pageant. If there were such a thing.
9CL: Pretty sure a “lunch” you have when the stars are out is a dinner, although the conversation topics would put me off my feed at any time of day.
C-Shaft: So there’s been some kind of pro-censorship copycat crime where a bookstore carrying Fahrenheit 451 was burned down just like the firemen in the book would do? Way to shoot your message in the foot. Gotta say even with my previous years of experience reading Batiuk’s strips I was not prepared for this level of stupidity.
Luann: Your sense of timing remains undefeated, Smirk Boy.
Pluggers: Want a Plugger husband who’ll go to the yarn store with you? Marry a cat!
@Uncle Lumpy: Yeah, it’s a buyer’s market nowadays. Not just because the college-age cohort is shrinking; college is less mandatory for American life than it used to be. A lot of smaller schools aren’t doing well.
DtM: Apparently Dennis walked into the teacher’s lounge and saw his teacher in the middle of a cloud of pungent smoke. She said, “You didn’t see anything,” and gave him the gold star. A true menace would have held out for $20.
GT: Oh Luke. You never needed John Barleycorn’s help in making an embarrassing scene.
JP: The Neddy storyline returns with a double shot of cameltoe! Although what it really needs is to not do something like introduce two brothers and forget one of them exists when their dad is murdered.
MW: Dr. Sheila doing yeoman’s work here trying to make Dr. Ed seem interesting but the odds against her are astronomical.
Phantom: Well we know it’s got the whole “make a lot of noises that sound like Mork from Ork swearing” thing down.
Ziggy: Well in analog terms it would be no more or less creepy than me watching mammals in general, but I get what Wilson is going for and I’m not sure I like it.
It’s moon watching time (tsukimi) in Japan. Have a special tsukimi burger from Mos Burger, Japan’s home grown answer to McDonalds.
@Hannibal’s Lectern: Speaking of, I was confused a few minutes ago. Coincidentally I was thinking “Wasn’t Dan Davis the guy who wrote Garfield Minus Garfield?”
That was Dan Walsh, I was mixing his name up with Jim Davis.
But the upside, is that after I went to get my Garfield Minus Garfield book to check the name, I started reading it again. Laughing my ass off xD
@Baja Gaijin: At the first bite, ALL the insides would goosh out and land in your lap. Maybe I’d try it on a large plate with a fork and sharp knife and a very large stack of napkins. And a sink nearby.
@124 The Rambling Otter:
I hate it when that happens. Reattaching an ass is harder than one would think. You have to get the crack just right and it’s hard to see back there.
@125 Ukulele Ike:
Why not try chopsticks and just stab th’ sumamabitch.
@125 Ukulele Ike: Mos Burger considered your quandary and thoughtfully provided instructions on its website. No gooshing.
@127 Sequitur: No stabbing needed. Wait, this is the one with the sausages not the ground meat patty. Stab away! PS: I’ve eaten a Mos burger with chopsticks though not that one.
@James:
They broke ground on the Empire State Building, rumors swirled of the Volstead Act’s repeal, and a young man named Bill Crosby was burning up the charts.
@Artist formerly known as Ben: But the irony! See, they’re doing the same thing as in the banned book. So ironic it belongs in an Alanis Morissette song!
Was Sergio Mendes in anybody’s dead pool? He was 83. RIP.
@Baja Gaijin: Speaking of, I recently tried that new McDonalds Burger “The Big Arch” or whatever it’s called.
But living in Canada, the box the burger comes in also gives the French title for the burger.
Which is called “The Grand M”
A million times better sounding imo.
Curtis: I like how Big Daddy Greg spent the five grand on something completely different than what he was supposed to without even consulting his wife.
Curtis: Greg blew it at a race track, didn’t he? Can do. Can do. This guy says the horse can do.
Curtis: By his come on look and bedroom eyes I’d guess Greg spent it on penile enhancement procedures.
@taig: Excuse me, I have to pick something out of my Chardonnay.
@Sequitur:
Protip: Put your head up it.
MW: Estelle will call the wedding off when she finds out that Ed hangs his roll of TP with the free end facing inwards.
@132 The Rambling Otter: I’m jealous you can go into any Loblaws or Metro and pick up All Dressed potato chips.
@Baja Gaijin: If you have to explain, you’re losing. I just read that on a political site somewhere.
@138 Ukulele Ike: That’s for jokes, not for people who don’t know how to eat foreign-market food without making a mess.
@Baja Gaijin: Ooooo! And Mackintosh’s Toffee!
@Baja Gaijin: Hell, I can’t eat a NYC sausage/egg/cheese without making a mess. That’s why I always get it with bacon instead, which you can browbeat into conforming to the roll.
I take most of my meals at home, while sitting the the bathtub.
@Ukulele Ike:
It comes from the brand Down Under,
Where men chew and their fillings sunder.
@taig: Fair.
@135 Uncle Lumpy:
Ah! Standard operating procedure.
I for one am SHOCKED and APPALLED that someone referred to 9CL as first of all having a positive and normal attitude about sex but second of all claiming it’s the only comic that does. Arlo and Janis still exists, two boomers who like their kids and grandkid and who also have sex basically all the time. I refuse to countenance this A&J erasure. Ok, I’ll give you “positive.” But “normal”? No. These jackasses engaged in public toe sucking on a crowded sidewalk in front of their small children.
SECONDLY lemme just barge in here as a 9CL obsessive: Lolly is in her mid 20s and super horny (the natural resting state of all 9CL women). She is old enough to drink and rent a car or a hotel room. She is old enough to be in, if not graduate from, college. She is old enough to have had at least one serious relationship. She is old enough to have learned that it’s pretty gross, actually, to discuss your erotic life with your intended’s parents (who are also your fictive aunt and uncle). Until a few days ago she thought Alistair was 16. This did not prevent her from being horny for him and enjoying the occasional frottage session with his person. Then came the big reveal that Alistair is ACTUALLY 19 for, uh, reasons, yeah, that’s it, nothing incredibly gross going on here! He just doesn’t like to count or do basic math and nobody else noticed. It is 100% normal that his mom lied about him being five for several extra years so he wouldn’t grow up too soon and would be her widdle baby longer.
Alistair, thinking he was 16, asked Lolly to “wait for him” and marry him “when he’s 20.” Did she quote the Bible? OF COURSE. Surprise! He is, again, actually 19 so they’re getting married in like a month so there’s no actual waiting. But he doesn’t want to have sex until they’re married even though LITERALLY no other character has waited until marriage to have sex. They ALL put out before marriage.
I have now deleted SEVERAL paragraphs on that subject.
But I am going to say that Alistair’s English father lied to his Chinese mother about how Christian marriages and marriage laws in the USA and England work, so they had sex before they were married because she thought they were married. But that’s ok, that’s normal behavior I guess? Anyway the important thing is that they have a lot of public sex and had a kid and play musical instruments.
Anyway I’m looking forward to Lolly and Alistair interrupting their wedding ceremony to run out into the cemetery attached to the church to fuck in the grass then return to the ceremony disheveled and grass stained like Lolly’s parents did. Tradition! Actually I’m not looking forward to this at all and hope a series of pianos falls on each character in turn but not like in a sexy manner.
Lockhorns – “Dude, at least I don’t have a giant coffee cup on my head.”
I really like Arlo & Janis.
But…for crying out loud, make a decision already!
@141 Ukulele Ike: Maybe they need to serve their sausage/egg/cheese in a specially-designed paper bag like those Japanese hamburgers? On a serious note, those paper bags are great for containing the wayward juices and sauces.
@Chry: Yeah, I am getting pretty tired of this, too.
@BeeKey:
My God, I thought I was a 9L obsessive. Hats off!
@145 BeeKey:
I stopped reading 9CL over three or four years ago. Reading your comment (unusual because I avoid 9CL comments like the plague) it seems I definitely made the correct decision.
@taig: Yesterday’s Wallace the Brave provides an excellent synopsis of the current Phantom storyline.
@152) richardf8:
An executable roar, ROAR.EXE. For some reason I found that really funny.
RMMD: Truck never got a chance to apologize, as at that moment he was elbowed into the path of an oncoming dump truck by a bald, overweight man, smelling of mayonnaise, who wandered off muttering “Eshtelle come back to me! I’m your hero!” before stunned onlookers could stop him.
SF: Shut up, Ted.
@Rube: At 63, with grown children and three grandchildren, I too would hesitate to build a house out in the boonies to live in for the rest of my life. I moved into my Brooklyn brownstone at 33 and told the Ukulele Lady “I am going to DIE in this house.” But if I could get cheap land on the Down East Maine coast, I would consider it. Although I’ve never spent a winter up there.
@Baja Gaijin: Call me a snob, but I never eat takeout sandwiches still in the paper bag. I’d rather take them with me to the bathtub.
@Baja Gaijin: If you are a good boy and pick me every Friday, some day I will teach you how I do my non-goosh Sheboygan-style grilled bratwurst sandwiches.
@155 Ukulele Ike:
Oh ho! You enjoy greasy droppings spurting on your weiner!
@Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol: It sounds like your children have been setting themselves up to have successful lives that will last long beyond college, and presumably you can take some credit for that. Congratulations, seriously.
Six Chex And A Horta Named Libby….
NO
LAUGH
I
“What does it mean,Spock? It doesn’t want us to laugh at it, or a promise that it won’t laugh at us?”
@The Rambling Otter: @Baja Gaijin: Speaking of, I recently tried that new McDonalds Burger “The Big Arch” or whatever it’s called.
——————————-
Made from100% impure Archie Bunker!
@The Rambling Otter: But living in Canada, the box the burger comes in also gives the French title for the burger.
Which is called “The Grand M”
————————————————
Look under the box! That’s where Jimmy Durante buried the loot before he kicked the bucket!
Does Uncle Lumpy still insist people call him Clarence?
@Sequitur: Laughing my ass off xD
————————————–
Reminds me of that scene in “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” when Eddie makes the weasels literally laugh their asses off.
@BeeKey:
Y’know, the last time I read 9CL was during the Seth marriage debacle when one of the many, many things wrong with the storyline was the small children he was babysitting being able to quote his wet dreams verbatim. So when I saw some recent strips with no context I was wondering what the hell happened and why those same kids were suddenly adults. Was it a permanent timeskip or just Brooke playing loose with flash-fowards/flashbacks like always?
After reading this I have learned not to ask questions I’m unprepared to have answered, because it is always worse than I thought.
(semi-related but did Brooke know he was gonna pair Alistair and Lolly up *before* he informally referred to them as cousins? Seriously, it was less than a week before the timeskip began, what was the plan there? Thank god they aren’t literal cousins from what I recall.)