TRIUMPHANT RETURN COMICS
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Hello everyone! I am back from my vacation! Did you miss me? Did you realize you liked Uncle Lumpy better? Did you not even notice any changes? Feel free to only answer those questions in ways that won’t hurt my feelings. Anyway, I do want to thank Uncle Lumpy for his fabulous fill-in duties, and thank everyone who donated to the annual fundraiser (said donors will be getting individual thanks from me, this week!).
Mary Worth, 9/22/24
I also want to give thanks to the usually cold and unfeeling universe and/or the vagaries of the King Features editorial calendar. It seems strangely common that truly wild Mary Worth action, like the legendary Operation H-Town warehouse shootout, happens when I’m on vacation. But this year, I’ve gotten home just in time for the truly incredible panel in which Estelle decides to murder her fiance, and probably a bunch of sick animals too. Can’t wait!!!!
The Phantom, 9/22/24
An extremely long-simmering plot in The Phantom is that at one point the Phantom had amnesia, and ended up enlisting under the name “John X” as a patrolman in the Jungle Patrol, the paramilitary unit he ordinarily leads from the shadows as the perpetually unseen “Unknown Commander”. Before too long he regained his memory and had to juggle both roles, which was increasingly more trouble than it was worth, as fun as it was to intermittently show up as John X and make all the patrolwomen extremely horny. So our hero has finally decided to wrap up his double life by having the Unknown Commander order John X off on what’s widely understood as a suicide mission. This has the added benefit of modeling for the patrolpersons he commands the idea that they’re expected to nobly sacrifice themselves for unclear ends at any time, which could make his life a lot more convenient even ignoring the whole thing where he has one less identity to juggle now.
Beetle Bailey, 9/22/24
The throwaway panels assure us that Beetle is aware that he is a member of the U.S. Armed Forces, but it’s fascinating that in subsequent panels he contemplates various increasingly fantastical transportation modes only in terms of the convenience they would offer him, and not the incredible tactical advantage they would grant his platoon in combat. I guess there’s a reason he’s never been promoted: he simply doesn’t have the mind for military leadership.
Mark Trail, 9/22/24
WOW, Mark Trail, you had an opportunity to depict a GRAPHIC vulture vomit scene in the Sunday full-color comics and you chickened out? For shame, for shame!
36 replies to “TRIUMPHANT RETURN COMICS”
MW:
Uh-oh! — is Estelle having a tryst with Ohio Art’s entomological writing implement Bizzy Buzz Buzz?
MW: Estelle, you put up with Wilbur abusing your cat, letting you think he was dead, and repeatedly embarrassing you in public. But God forbid that Ed isn’t there for you to parade in front of your cousin like a trophy wife at a high school reunion because he’s (gasp) doing his job!
Phantom:
“I’m going to trust that our commander’s right about all of us…”
“Well, now, that’s a horse of a different color. Take a look at the second panel of today’s strip by contrast!”
MW-Estelle is going to report Ed to the school management.
FC-The clown who lives in the sewer just gives Billy his boat back right away and that’s it.
MW-“We lost the puppies. For newborn puppies they can run surprisingly fast.”
MW:
In an illustrated dictionary, Cousin Pam’s image would be next to the definition of rabble-rouser.
“I knew that stupid bitch would ruin things! Damn you, Mitzi!”
– Estelle, animal lover
JP: Well, it took a week of blabbering and dithering, but everyone, I am happy to report that the pancake question has been answered!!
Luann: Go clog a toilet, Luann.
Cranky Funkershaft (Title Panel only): Subtle…
MW: BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mary Worth could have come up with any veterinary emergency for Dr Ed. Making it involve the death of several puppies is so hilariously bleak that I can only salute it.
CS: The only thing Tom Batiuk has to fear is fracturing a vertebra from all this patting himself on the back.
DT: Why didn’t Ro-Zan make his move when he was a somewhat trusted guest rather than a completely discredited malefactor under house arrest? Because pointless self-sabotaging incompetence is all Mike Curtis knows how to write. Anyway, this is almost definitely a trap, but why bother? Ro-Zan should already be on death row or imprisoned without any chance of parole for treason and at least several murders; what difference does a count of corporate espionage make in this comic’s Slylock Fox-esque justice system?
H&L: Oh noes! A light breeze and a few falling leaves! Everyone, back into the house! Forget the food, just run!
Welcome back, Josh.
Talking about talking is peak Judge Parker.
MW: Holy moly. I’ve got a lot of disconnected feelings about this, so I’m just going to do it bullet-point style:
– This is an annihilation of Estelle’s established character. Estelle is supposed to love animals; it makes no sense for her to react to mass puppy death and a dying mommy dog with this petty fury.
– I don’t know if Karen Moy realizes that this is permanent. Estelle’s character will never recover from this. She will forever be mocked and abhorred for this absurdly selfish and nasty response.
– At least we’ve conclusively settled the Team Ed vs Team Estelle issue.
– Still laughed pretty hard.
– Why was Estelle lying about the excuse for Ed’s absence from the beginning? I’m not even asking for a good reason, just a reason.
– Why can’t the greatest and most dedicated vet in southern California keep any animals alive ever? You’d almost think Ed was deliberately cutting down his workload for the next 10-15 years.
– Misguided or not, Karen Moy still has 100 times the writing cojones of Tom Batiuk.
Originally I went into this Mary Worth storyline feeling like Moy was going to try and manipulate the situation so that Ed would suddenly turn from Estelle’s perfect partner into making her wish she was back with Wilbur. But this is even worse than I thought it was going to go because after this, it’s clear that Estelle has completed her transformation into being a narcissistic sociopath like the other Charterstone residents.
After all, no one else seems to be as bothered about Ed not being able to show up except for Estelle because she spent ages bragging about him to her cousin. She wants Ed to be there to show off to Pam that she’s not a dried up prune of a widow. Because she’s perfectly okay with him making gobs of money for her fancy wedding but when she can’t show him off like a fancy toy, she gets upset.
MT: The most disturbing factoid is that turkey vultures have adapted to live indoors, soaring over heat vents. Keep your furnace under sixty degrees in winter, if you don’t want acidic carrion vomit everywhere.
So, uh, Zero is smart enough to make a dad joke now? Like, he’s aware of wordplay, not simple-minded and criminally literal?
As much as I hate the dumb hick trope, this is not better.
@jroggs: I don’t think Moy herself realizes that Estelle has gone from being a happy volunteer cooing over Rottweilers to “Ignore those stupid dogs so I can get one up on my estranged cousin.”
Welcome back, Josh! Hope you are all rested up from – uh – whatever. Thanks for giving some Curmudgeonly love to my fave, Phantom.
Should I be concerned that the ads running on this page are in Chinese?
MW: Yep, life is what happens when you’re making other plans. Or death. The death of puppies, even. Sorry, don’t mean to be a downer, but that seems to be what happened.
Ph: Nothing like the Bengalan dusk, when the setting sun bathes the world in warm glowing light, and everything looks like it’s covered with a thin layer of piss.
MW: I’m still only 60% certain we’re supposed to believe Estelle is being way over the top here. In a typical real-world situation, the partner who got stood up would be sympathetic about her veterinarian partner having to deal with a traumatic situation (for him and the pet owner), but, as I’ve learned, Moy is somewhat distant from the real world.
BB: Segways were invented in the late 1990s and marketed in the early 2000s, so this strip is surprisingly current.
MT: I think every nu-Mark Trail comic would be improved by vulture barf.
This strip contains no less than TWELVE ellipses, including one absurd exclamation mark ellipsis and Ed’s text message that reads as if he’s dictating a speech to text message and it somehow faithfully captures his tearful trailing off at the end of four unfinished sentences in a row, with the only two periods appearing in a) a quotation and b) a sentence that seems meant to sound awkwardly cut off. And then the last panel comes in to really forcefully show us the writers do know how to use periods effectively and it’s not just a holdover stylistic choice from pre-1980s comics writing where they desperately try to avoid periods because back then they thought it didn’t work with uppercase lettering. That’s the last straw!
MW: Cue up the Casey Kasem dead-dog-dedication tirade…
Frazz: It does matter if your solutions are all stupid, Caulfield.
Luann: Why exactly are you ironing her shirts, Nancy? You know she’s just going to get them all wrinkled up any thanks to her Inner
BeautySlobiness.CS: Just once, I’d like for Pam to slap Jeff’s hand away and yell at him to stop being so patronizing, but then I remember that Batiuk writes this strip, and women are only there to be patronized.
Zits: Jeremy knows how to play his mom.
FC: No. I hate that Jeffy had to ruin yet another pair of pants.
MW: “Your Fiance the Veterinarian.” Cousin Pam is not buying this ONE BIT. Ed is going to have to text some pictures of the disemboweled Mitzi on the table, so that Estelle can save face.
RMMD: True to form, Truck is going to be a pain in the ass every little step of the way.
Welcome back, Josh. I hope you enjoyed your vacation.
I don’t care for the “ha ha” in Beetle Bailey. It changes the throwaway gag from “Zero does not know what ‘infantry’ means” to “Zero is injecting a bit of levity into the proceedings, ha ha, just a little wordplay from Camp Swampy’s resident wit.”
MW – There’s no period after “last,” so Estelle can’t be that mad.
MW: But . . . but . . . puppies, Estelle! PUPPIES!
CS: How very damn profound, Jeff. I’m surprised Les hasn’t asked you to be a guest lecturer in his class.
CS: Well, golly Jeff. That tuition money was sure well spent.
MW: Under BBC murder mystery rules, after witnessing Estelle’s jealous rage first hand, Detective Pam realizes that it was Estelle who murdered Jimmy all along.
MT: Of course turkey vultures can eat carcasses infected with rabies and not get sick, rabies only infects mammals. Step up your factoid game, Mark!
BB: For fuck’s sake, just steal a Jeep.
MW: Josh returns just in time for Estellle to become a Marvel witch.
Oh boy we got a good one. Yes John Lennon used that line in a song. But he got it from… Mary Worth.
CS: So Jeff went to Kent State (like TomBat), studied the great political speeches, and the best he can come up with to be “profound” is an FDR quote so trite that Robot Chicken did a sketch about it.
I realize a hand ailment isn’t likely to be fatal, but I hope Truck dies.
On a softer note, the bleeding heart in me doesn’t wish Wilbur upon Estelle, as much as she deserves it. Perhaps a lesser punishment for her would be to re-connect with Artheur.
Welcome back, Josh!
MW: If you had asked me which Mary Worth character would exhibit incandescent fury over a dying dog that had just miscarried her litter being prioritized over them, I would have guessed Wilbur. I think we all would have guessed Wilbur.
Phantom: “Refusing to say comforting words of farewell to his ardent and grieving groupies” is the cherry on the manipulative asshole sundae that has been this arc.