Various Christmas miracles
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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/24/24
Fellas! Did your asshole doctor tell you that the reason you feel like shit is because you spend all your time on the couch watching TV and that you should get some steps in, and then you had the bright idea of putting a treadmill in front of the TV, but then your shrew wife vetoed the idea because it would be “expensive” and “ugly”? Well, have you considered hiring some guys to stab you in your own neighborhood on the very first time you go for a walk? Sure, you’ll get stabbed, but your wife will feel terrible and buy you an ugly treadmill to put in front of the TV, so it might be worth it. You’ll probably give her a case of agoraphobia in the process, but it’s probably worth it.
Mary Worth, 12/24/24
I apologize earlier for issuing a red alert over “bowling hunk Christmas week storyline in Mary Worth,” because I didn’t realize that we’d actually hit the level of “bowling hunk first date literally on Christmas Day,” but here we are. What’s above red alert? Because this seems like it needs a higher alert.
Slylock Fox, 12/24/24
Slylock is shaking Santa’s hand and saying “Don’t worry, despite the recent unpleasantness, any surviving humans will be welcomed into the society of the Forest Kingdom and be granted provisional citizenship” and Max is feeding the reindeer and carrot and saying “Hey, buddy. I know you can understand me. You ever think about standing on your hind legs? You ever think about using those razor-sharp hooves to slice a man’s throat open?”
112 replies to “Various Christmas miracles”
Mary Worth Mashups: Which missing final panel do you like best?
JP. Guess they sent the red headed adoptee back to the same orphanage that took Chuck Cunningham
Seeing as Santa is a magical being, shouldn’t he have changed his form after the animal-pocalypse to fit in with modern norms? Like a Polar Bear or something?
Actually nah, Santa despite having to give toys to animal children now, feels disgust at the idea of being an animal himself, while the animals feel disgust at their magical icon being a filthy human.
Happy Holidays Everybody!
MW: Yes, Dawn. A jockey shirt is a good choice for a first date.
Rex Morgan: Ah, yes, the gift of home exercise equipment. It’s the one thing that people like less than socks, but 500 times more expensive!
Mary Worth: This guy wants to take her for a first date on Christmas? What a weirdo! I certainly hope this is one of those Hallmark movies where he turns out to be Santa’s son or something, because otherwise it’ll be one of those Lifetime movies where he turns out to be a deranged kidnapper. Or maybe he’ll be both, assuming Dawn is paying for the upgraded cable package.
Slylock: Santa is definitely up to something here. Everyone knows a left-handed handshake doesn’t count.
Mary’s phone has attained an Escheresque level of paradoxical orientation and sucked the whole universe into itself.
MW: Too bad we can’t hear the open resentment dripping from Mary’s “Oh, well… congratulations, dear.”
@BigTed: I was thinking more along the lines of “A Christmas Carol” where everything bad that happened in Scrooge’s life apparently happened on Christmas, including meeting his girlfriend and their subsequent breakup.
Treating Christmas as an opportunity for a romantic date?!?! I’m afraid to tell you that Dawn has gone full weeb!
RMMD – Just like Edward G Robinson in Soylent Green!
MW – Now, what attire is right for Shakey’s?
SFx – Don’t do it Rudolf! I have it on good authority that carrot’s been up Slylock’s ass….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
RMMD-Say hello to your new coat hanger!
MW-Mary then calls up Wilbur and has him guilt Dawn into joining Mary.
MW-“Mary, what should I wear to an organ harvesting?”
Six Chix-Poor in humor.
RMMD: “What’s this? Furniture in our otherwise (for some reason) large empty living room?”
RMMD: “Wow, that’s really sweet, but where is the couch…?” “No more couches. Only treadmill. Only. Treadmill.”
MW: You know it’s a hot date when Dawn opens up her all-pink closet! Seriously, did Bazooka Joe start a fashion line?
MW: No, no, Dawn! Pale mauve doesn’t go well with red flags.
RMMD: Oh, what’s the use? Merle’s just going to fall off the treadmill, land on the dog and have another thing to bitch about.
@Baja Gaijin: First’s the clear winner, but where is the second from?
MW – Dawn’s putting out on Christmas? Happy holidays, everyone!
Slylock Fox:
Well, let’s see:
1. debar
2. rentals
3. bar bit
4. farm fuse
5. smitten
How’d I do?
MW: Dirk’s idea of a Christmas date is attending a traditional Latin mass. Dawn has to wait outside because she’s wearing a pantsuit.*
*Actually happened to my mom when I took her to a Gr. Orthodox mass.
MW:
“It would never occur to me, Mary, to tell this guy that I just met at a bowling alley that, unsurprisingly, I already have traditional plans in place for Christmas dinner, because I’ve elevated self-absorption and tone-deafness to an art form!”
MW-Who is going to end up with the missing kidney? Dawn or Dirk?
Slylock Fox-In both panels Slylock has sold Max to Santa.
RMMD:
“What’s this? A treadmill?”
“Yep. And it has a closed circuit TV feature that plays Joe Neighbor’s video of those two bad guys accosting you, so as to motivate you to run on the treadmill to get away from them!”
@Hibbleton: I guess there was mass confusion?
MW: I mean I guess Christmas Day could be your first date, especially so since we don’t really know anyone’s religion here, but setting that aside I’d think you would want a date on a day where a full compliment of things to do were open for business.
@LTJpezcore1: You only need one gun range for a proper first date, son.
Boring, repetitive, primary purpose is to cause you to seek out distraction from the unpleasantness? It’s the perfect Rex Morgan, M.D. Christmas gift!
Also Rex Morgan, M.D.: “Your stocking stuffers are compression bandages to prevent post-surgery edema and a bedside urinal so you don’t have to get out of bed at night. You can get anything on Amazon!”
Slylock Fox and Comics for Kids: Interesting. In the Animalpocalypse, one shakes with the left hand, the right being reserved for wiping with mice.
MW: Good choice, Dawn. The mauve top with the various sized ovals is the best one out of all your mauve tops.
“Merry Christmas dad! I’m going to a Christmas date!”
“Merry Christmas, Dawn! I am also going to a Christmas date, then getting my kidney stolen”
“You fear this might happen?”
“No, the lady told me plainly that it is going to happen. But she promised me a smooch before!”
@Liam: Great minds etc.
MW: Dawn and Dirk (Are we stanning them as “Dark?”) can join Saul and Eve at CHINESE RESTAURANT on Christmas.
SFx: I thought for a minute that Santa had mistletoe hanging from his crotch. The big guy’s a playah!
FC: Billy’s reputation as a jailhouse lawyer would make him popular with other inmates doing hard time.
MW: “Save a place at the table for me for next year! But just one place, you get what I’m saying? I’m saying I plan to have a series of wild casual holiday flings with this guy and then dump him before things get serious! Mary, are you still there? Mary? Hello?”
@Hibbleton: He’ could make a butt load of money!
Hey, Fox. You know all of those petty crimes you “solve”? This man spies on children and breaks into millions of homes every year. Put together a solid case that will actually hold up in court and you will save your reputation.
Shoe: You’d think beings that live in trees wouldn’t be nostalgic for open fires but I guess even in avian newspapers; if it bleeds it leads.
Mary Worth: “Congratulations, Dear. I hope it turns out the way you want!”. Mary is much too refined to use the expression l “get laid.”
Mary Worth II: Dirk: “Let’s get this over. I just have time for a hanny in the back seat, then I have to get back home with these marshmallows or my wif– er, my landlady— will kill me!”
Ok, but why put the treadmill in the living room? Why didn’t they just put the treadmill in a spare room — it’s a suburban home, they clearly have one — and just bought an extra TV? Even a large TV cannot cost more than a treadmill! If they discussed this in depth, they could have avoided the stabbing and the bickering!
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: **SNORK**
Makes sense, but someone is still going to have to take Buster out to take a dump. I suppose it will be Tildy and she’ll get stabbed and this time the doorbell cam won’t get it on video and Buster will be put away. Problem solved. Although we all know Merle is never going to use that treadmill for exercising.
JP/RxMD: “No Holiday hostage situations and no CIA.” “Guess we’ll need another way to get gifts. Whose turn is it to be stabbed by muggers in broad daylight this year?”
MW:
“I hope it turns out the way you want! — physical, yet shallow and unfulfilling.”
MW: Dirk is taking Dawn to serve Christmas dinner to the homeless, which will tick off Dawn enormously. Like a true Weston, she lives to be served.
GT: Meanwhile in Milford, Jami Thorp has lost a few years and is a little kid again. The wonder of Christmas I guess. I’m sure it’s festive in the drunk tank with Marty Moon.
Bread, @Bob Tice: Are those items “found in this scene”? I think not. 1 point for creativity but ultimate fail for ignoring the rules.
RMMD: A new fear — your very survival may depend on whether your self-care clashes with the décor.
MW: “Now, let’s see, which lavender clown outfit should I wear on my big date?”
Slylock: Meanwhile, Frosty bides his time and awaits the Rise of the Snowpeople.
Rex Morgan, MD – The COVID highs of both Peak TV and home exercise equipment sales have slumped, so the rival industries vying for our free time are combining forces to hold onto enough of a customer base and keep them alive a little longer so they can can figure out the future of both industries.
But like Merle, laziness will inspire executives to use a small bump in profits to take the path of least resistance (stock buybacks instead of investments that involve risk and effort) until they are metaphorically stabbed by the next inevitable recession.
Mary Worth – “Christmas Dayte” sounds like a rejected Hallmark script that a struggling screenwriter sold to the Mary Worth creators to make rent through the cold months of the year.
Slylock Fox – Santa and Slylock reach a intelligence sharing agreement to decide who is naughty or nice.
@1 Baja Gaijin:
Wow, with the first one it seems you’ve already seen tomorrow’s Mary Worth.
RMMD — TV Show(s) plural? How long is Merle planning to walk on that thing? I can’t imagine him going more than thirty minutes. . .
And why do people say “my” shows? They don’t belong to you–just ask Netflix/Hulu/Disney etc.!
Sounds more like Pluggers. Motto: “It’s
funnydepressing because it’s true!”@15 Ukranazi Stepan: It’s from Luann at The Fuze. I think the leadup to this panel had Luann saying something incredibly stupid for a five year old no less a college-aged person, Bernice replied with a mercilessly-cutting remark, and Tiffany picked up a shovel to go clean up that mess.
@49 Sequitur: Really? To be fair, there’s only so much you could do with the Christmas dinner sans Westons. I guess setting a jar of mayo where Wilbur would have sat could have worked too.
@Liam: Dawn having a body part stolen could be very dangerous for her health. She’s already missing an asshole.
Barney Google and Snuffy Smith Spanish to English.
@Baja Gaijin: That’s another huge problem with the “Wilbur goes to Florida to interview hurricane victims” nonsense. He’s doing this over Christmas? The time of year people need advice and deal with family stresses the most?
Luann actually is good today. I was not expecting an actual punchline, just Nancy nodding along with the kids.
It was only used once, in the episode “The Conscience of the King,” but Star Trek apparently had a “Double Red Alert” which demanded the same response from the crew as a regular old Red Alert, but faster and more urgently.
In answer to your question, Josh, I think “barfing rainbows” comes after “red alert.”
9CL — Oh, look. The twin teenage girls are watching their parents having sex in a public pool. Merry Christmas, everybody!
It can’t be said often enough: Get help, Brooke.
Don Abundio, translated:
“There’s a strange-looking craft over there, Abundio”
“We should go check on them”
“Hey, do you two need any help?”
“You’ve helped us already”
“We’re playing Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions!”
@55 Banana Jr. 6000: “FEMA turkey dinners are the best turkey dinners!” Wilbur crowed.
I think by now Wilbur’s cavorting on Guadalajara’s beach with an incredibly hot Mexican version of Leroy Lockhorn’s tall big-haired party dance partners. Scamming will be discovered on The Feast of the Epiphany.
MW: So Wilbur left his daughter alone on Christmas rather than have her join him in Cancun, because of course he did, but no worries, because Dawn has a date! I suppose they could go to the movies–Nosferatu, a story of a woman whose desperate loneliness results in her being preyed upon by an unimaginable evil, is opening tomorrow and seems very appropriate.
RMMD: The lesson? Old people should never go outside, ever! Merry Christmas!
GT: Jeez, Gil, quit being so pissy about that game and let Jami watch the last minute of the movie. “Look, Daddy! Teacher said every time a bell rings, an angel…” *CLICK* “Time for bed, young man!”
@ValdVin: I liked it, too.
Too bad the kids are so stuffy they won’t laugh, but I’m glad Nancy still cracks up.
For an industry association through work, we have a planning meeting at Cowboy Jack’s off Silver Lake Road. I pause after “Cowboy Jack’s off . . . ” and this crowd laughs. That’s why I love them.
@astroboy: MW: Dawn and Dirk (Are we stanning them as “Dark?”)[…]
I nominate “Dawrk”.
MARY WORTH: Dawn might be missing out, but Mary gave us the best gift of all: her delicious passive-aggressive condescension (That implied pause between “Oh well” an “Congratulations” at finding out that Dawn’s spending the holidays with a strange man was so pregnant, it could be having octuplets.)
C’shaft: So he’s not even going to watch the damn tape, but just stuffs it in an old stocking as an offering to his deceased loved ones–mostly Timmy, who gets a nice full-color framed photo on the mantle, while Helen is relegated to an old wallet-size Sears studio print crammed into the corner.
GT: Come on, Gil, there’s like thirty seconds left in the movie! Let Jami stay up until Clarence gets his wings, it’s Christmas!
(Also, how many kids of Santa-believing age are watching It’s a Wonderful Life over, say, Elf or any of the half-dozen iterations of the Grinch? Hell, my mom is in her seventies and she’s streaming Red One tonight.)
JP: “And only one family member in jail. It’s a new record for us!”
Luann: Frank was supposed to be reading the next line, about new-fallen snow and all, but the syndicate deemed it too racy.
SF: A pre-dawn encounter with Santa; well, the Moon and stars/snowflakes seem to be the same between panels!
MW: Ooh la la, looks like Dirk will be seeing pink tonight! (Obligatory post #69)
REX MORGAN M.D.: Mr Lewton returned the favor and “gifted” his wife with the sole responsibility of caring for the dog again. Merry Christmas everyone!
@Baja Gaijin: Number 3 is perfect. My present came early!
The continued existence of Elves, whether Wood, High, Drow, or Jolly, is tolerated by the Forest Kingdom.
For now, anyway.
@Dennis Jimenez: Just like Edward G Robinson in Soylent Green! Oh man, +5 for the deep reference!
When I was growing up we always opened our presents on Christmas Eve. So, in that spirit (and the fact we’re about to have a ridiculously long blog) I hereby give Baja Gaijin his Christmas present now!
@Flipper: Congratulations on your upcoming special scrote.
Rex Morgan: So this whole story arc was just a Very Special Episode teaching wives to not badger their husbands about exercising or they could literally die? Yeah, that fits. Honestly not at all surprising from this comic.
Mary Worth: Oh, man. You can physically FEEL Mary’s seething rage when she hears that Dawn isn’t coming to her Christmas dinner in favor of going on a date. “Oh. Well… I hope you have a good time leaving this poor old woman alone. Making me waste that food I made for you. Have fun sinning with pre-arranged-marriage sex. Slut.”
Got the reference!
MW – Glad I’m not the only one who reads Mary’s words in P2 as muttered seethingly through clenched teeth. “I warned you, dear. Oh, yes, I did. I told you over and over that while while your father was away, you were to come to me for food and sympathy. And now you dare disobey my wishes? You’re going to just run off with the first beauhunk who comes along? Oh, I’ll save a place for you all right. A very special place in my lair. And then you will learn not to mess with The Meddler!”
How is Shylock’s tail attached? It looks like it’s coming out of the middle of his cape.
@Baja Gaijin: Hey thanks for including Libby and Odin! I understand why Mary didn’t invite Pierre – after that incident at the wedding where he scooted across the food table! Fortunately not everyone saw it, and Mary strategically moved a tray of chocolate brownies.
And you see that Buster is alive and well! We didn’t stay long at.the Solstice Festival. It was gettin’ a little too rowdy As I feared, Rex Morgan Enterprises wanna hire Buster away to be an under-used regular house.actor!! I don’t think that would be a good career move for him – we hardly ever see the Animal Companions of the starring family! One who lives with tertiary characters would be virtually invisible…. like Edward’s Dog.
FC – Jeffy looks like he can’t understand the concept of any of this.
Mary Worth – Another vote for “First date on Christmas day!!???”
However, I’m completely distracted by Dawn’s arms in the second panel. They would have to be several feet long.
6Chix – Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!
Speed Bump – Sid got a great gig for that camel.
9CL – So they’re cavorting at a public swimming pool? I guess I wasn’t paying attention to the detailed backgrounds with all the other people hanging around.
@Baja Gaijin: Mashups – I like the first one. Love the cats sitting on the table.
@BigTed: Re Rex Morgan – The gift worse than socks is underwear. I guess socks kind of fall in that category, but I’m thinking unmentionables.
@Ettorre: Why didn’t they put it in a spare room? My guess is that only the living room and bedroom are wired for cable. If they put it in the bedroom, he would trip over it every time he got up during the night to use the bathroom.
@Sequitur: We always opened our gifts on Christmas Eve, too. My grandparents lived with us, and one reason was that my grandfather always slept late. The Christmas Eve tradition came in handy after I was married, because we could spend Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas day with Mr. Jive’s family. It was still a lot of running around.
Who likes puns? Bob Tice likes puns.
So we now look at Back in the Day.
@Sequitur: Looks like Mary forgot to take the price stickers off the wine glasses she picked up at World Market.
A Christmas poem.
Dustin: Adding this to the pile of evidence for my theory that Dustin has some undiagnosed sleeping disorder.
DT: If you were thinking “This story is stupid, but at least it doesn’t have any pointless references to other comics,” I regret to inform you that I’m almost certain that’s Superman’s pal Bibbo Bibbowski sitting further along the bar in panel 2.
JP: “This may be our best Christmas yet, because we’re not having any absurd but traumatic drama this year! True, our closest friends are, but they’re not us, are they?”
MW: Okay, so where is “Dawn spends her Christmas on a date with a guy she knows literally nothing about” going? My bet: “You’re going to love Nuthin’ But Veal, Dawn! To guarantee it’s fresh, they kill the calf right in front of you!”
Phantom: Then why did you raise the idea in the first place, O Ghost Who’s Forgotten How This Conversation Started?
A gift for
DadBaja!Luann: Mrs. D enjoys the classics.
I think I finally realized why I don’t like the current version of the art in Mary Worth: it makes everyone, but especially Mary, look like they’ve had a lot of Botox.
I don’t know who these people are in Rex Morgan and I’m not going to look them up, but this guy was stabbed at the beginning of the month and it sure looks like his wife (?) is trying to open up his stitches.
Above comment was by me, Jeff McMahon.
@TheDiva:
#67. LUANN:. I’m very disappointed in today’s strip as no one is wearing their new t-shirts. Guess they all just re-wrapped them and will be trading, I mean regifting, tomorrow
@Anonymous: I nominate “Dawrk”.
As a tribute to Mad’s Maddest Artist, Don Martin, and his creations, Fester Bestertester and Karbunkle, how about DAWK?
@Sequitur: #74: I figured it would be the usual Christmas card with Mary serving a turkey (or ham) to a drooling Dr. Jeff
JP: Sam and Abbey have finally learned the secret to having a trouble-free year: not being a meaningful part of a single storyline for the entire twelve months. Sure, everyone else’s lives are more messed up than ever, but that’s their problem.
MW: “I hope it turns out the way you want?” What the hell kind of unnatural ominous thing is that to say to someone going on a first date? At least make a Christmas-themed pun out of it, like “I hope you get your stocking stuffed,” or “Make sure Frosty puts on his top hat before sticking his carrot in,” or, for Dawn specifically, “Ho ho ho! …No, I wasn’t doing a Santa laugh, I just wanted to see if you’d appear in my bathroom mirror after I said your name three times.”
Luann: “I heard a noise, so I went to the window and puked.” Actually, that’s drastically overselling the joke, because at least “puke” and “yark” and “toss cookies” are funnier-sounding ways to reference vomiting, while “throw up” is probably the least amusing option. Not that it matters. Try this stunt with your own little relatives during the holidays; if they’re even paying attention to you instead of running around yelling and bouncing of the walls doing anything else, they’ll probably just be confused and ask you why you stopped reading. Kind of like someone reading Luann for the first time and reaching their first Abrupt Plot Pivot Monday.
@Baja Gaijin: Speaking of mashups: In 3, the Yellow Kid has been mashed up with Zippy. This is going to be one hell of a date.
Dennis once more is visiting Santa (seventh time this year, I believe), but the guy in the background with the halo distracted me. Why is he on the “down” escalator? Was there a screw-up in the paperwork? An unguarded comment about boredom in heaven? A bit of sacrilege with a lady angel? Something profane on the guy’s hat? Dennis better take care with his future menacing.
FG: What, I’ve got to fight Kala? I was hoping to just watch the fight from the sidelines and hum Captain Kirk’s fight music. Dunta dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dunta-dun!
@Dennis Jimenez: MW – Now, what attire is right for Shakey’s? I appreciated this comment from a nostalgia standpoint, having grown up in a town that used to have a Shakey’s (we’d still have one, except one of my high-school contemporaries ruined it for all of us by blowing up the pizza oven — and in the process taking out a retaining wall).
FC: Mommy’s stocking is the fishnet hose with leather thigh boot.
Pluggers: Just wait. Next Christmas Eve we’ll get a cartoon showing us that pluggers diligently finish their Christmas shopping early, not waiting to the last minute like those irresponsible young ‘uns.
@Sequitur:
Those puns are so atrocious that I want to Tara part a print version of that strip!
@100 Bob Tice:
Q: Can you tell me about how children who only say, “No” come into this world?
A: Sorry. I don’t know nothing about birthing “No” babies.
A true Plugger bought this year’s gifts last Dec 26 when things went half price. (See also: Valentine candy on Feb 15) Now if he could just remember where he hid them away
MW: Dirk wants to have his first date with Dawn on Christmas Day, which is as much of a red flag as you could ask for. Aptly enough, Dawn is picking out a clown suit for the occasion.
RMMD: His present to her is a subscription to a dog-walking service where the walkers are strapped.
9CL: The folks at Chickweed Lane wish you and yours a skeevy Christmas.
C-Shaft: Ralph hangs a VHS tape where there presumably is or soon will be a lit fire, in a sacrifice to the gods or ruined electronics.
DT: “Besides which I had to run home and start typing out The Old Man and the Sea before the idea got cold.”
GT: Damn, Jami Thorp’s Benjamin Button syndrome is so severe it looks like he’ll be an embryo by spring.
JP: So for Abbey a good Christmas is one where tragedy and turmoil don’t strike your family, just the family of your closest friends. Actually, yes, this sounds just like Abbey.
Phantom: Outside a compilation of Gilda Radner’s greatest Emily Litella performances I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many “never minds” in a condensed sequence.
SSmith: Well Barney’s fate was to lose his comic strip to a new character and be forgotten for decades until some squawking on a Web 2.0-era comics blog prompted him to be brought back a few times a year. Snuffy seems face. Who’s going to take over from him? Granny Creeps is the only one that even counts as a dark horse.
@104 Artist formerly known as Ben: on SSmith
Perhaps it’s time for Lukey and Elviney to take over and get “Sniffy Smith Lite”.
You know, a lot of people might think that asking someone out on a Christmas date on Dec 23 might get a “I already have plans,” but bowling hunk knows already that Dawn has no life, so this is bound to end well.
@105 Sequitur:
Actually, now that I think of it, a strip with Lukey and Elviney would be a hillbilly “The Lockhorns”.
@Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol: I was sad to see them pass – my high school occupational aptitude test said I was best suited as a banjo player there….
@108 Dennis Jimenez:
Ah, yes. The coveted Orchestral Banjo Virtuoso aptitude.
You betcha.
GT: Ms. Merrill has put more effort into drawing that scene from “It’s a Wonderful Life” than she has into a week’s worth of strips.
MW; Not a single person here guessed that Dirk was asking Dawn to attend Christmas Mass and go home with him to have Christmas dinner with his mom and Aunt Shirley who explains to Dawn that Dirk got his muscles helping his paraplegic ma and because of that bowling is the only outside activity he has time for.
@Val Dart:
As would Keebler elves except, well, there’s a long and tragic story involved there.