Tuesday catchups
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Mark Trail, 2/11/25
Oh, sorry I didn’t update you on the “Mark helps return a displaced manatee to the sea” storyline, or even [checks archives] tell you about it in the first place, but today’s strip pretty much recaps the high points so I don’t have to, in a real reversal of this blog’s original mission statement. The whole thing about the guys in bear costumes is actually a story that was ripped from the real-life headlines, except the real-life guys were actually just doing some light insurance fraud rather than trying to prevent the return of a manatee to the sea for murky climate-change-denial reasons. Anyway, I’m showcasing today’s strip because I’m furious that Mark is doing “flight” wordplay about guys in bear costumes, and you can tell that foreground bird in the last panel is upset that it’s been dragged into this thing as a fig leaf. “They’ll be hibernating for the winter … in jail” was right there!
Luann, 2/11/25
On the note of returning to some of my old favorites, I’ve decided to start reading Luann again, I guess because it’s worth it to inflict deliberate pain on myself just to feel something? Anyway today’s strip is about Brad trying to bake Toni a cake but the whole thing is actually an elaborate metaphor about his dick that’s both fully transparent and also doesn’t hold up to any degree of scrutiny, so I’m glad to see the vibes have not shifted too much.
Crankshaft, 2/11/25
Also, Crankshaft is back, in your life and mine! God, look at how completely dead Crankshaft is behind his eyes in panel three here, I love it, put it in a spoon and feed it to me like I’m a little baby that loves Crankshaft’s pain. Do you think the implication is that, now that marijuana is legal in Ohio, it’s not clear what “under the influence” specifically means? Or is it simply that the mayor may have gotten blotto after drinking too many Budweiser beers? Sorry, it’s neither: Crankshaft isn’t “implying” anything, he’s merely saying vaguely wordplay-shaped sounds while his soul screams endlessly inside, begging for a death that will never come.
Dustin, 2/11/25
Wow, Dustin’s mom has decided to divorce his dad! Obviously a big move but I think we can all say that it’s not a particularly surprising one.
97 replies to “Tuesday catchups”
Pluggers: Claude Manx is stealing Ed Crankshaft’s schtick.
FC: Thel sighs. “You’re eating your napkin.”
When Mark Trail punching two guys in bear suits doesn’t make the blog, what have we become? What have we become?
Dustin: Ah, yes, because we need yet another joke about how Ed is an asshole who ruins everything around him.
Luann: Brad’s genitalia is rendered permanently useless by the fact that the universe doesn’t want another Shannon to exist.
MW: This is perhaps the most comical line in the series. Dawn thinks that her father is an ideal role model, she’s been passed around like a locker room towel, and she got dumped by a creepy geek…and yet she insists she’s worth more than what she is. She might be worth more than Dirk the Dick but she’s not exactly the poster child for surviving domestic violence or any sort of empowerment.
So, bravo, Moy: you actually made me laugh.
Jared Not the Subway Perv: “OK, that’s done. Threesome?”
MW: This is being framed as some sort of empowering self-esteem-boosting moment for Dawn, but really, isn’t Dirk the one breaking up with her? I guess the moral of the story is you don’t need the courage and self-respect to leave an abusive relationship if you’re bad enough at bowling.
Luann: Metaphor for Brad’s dick? It all makes sense now. TJ is holding the knife for Brad’s upcoming impromptu circumcision.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: Jared is so going to post on Reddit about how he saved the day by empowering Dawn to pull a Fred Flintstone inspired move on Dirk.
MW – Dirk flounces. The end.
This has to have been the longest relationship Dirk’s ever had, I would assume, given the fact that he’s,how you say, completely f@#$ing insane..
MW: I wonder what’s next. There’s no way this storyline is over
Kelrast curve?
MT:
“You fought two men in bear suits?”
“Yep. I just had to grin and bear it. So to speak.”
MW: Jess thinks; “This is so not worth it.”
MT:
Why does Mark always look like the Bogie character did after he had spent too many days piloting The African Queen?
Crankshaft : this was written a year in advance, so I wonder if this is meant to represent something that was happening roughly around this time last year…
If it *IS*, I hope this storyline reflects Batiuk completely misjudging how the events would play out, like that time in March 2021 he had Les talking about going into “quarantine” when Lisa was undergoing chemotherapy that felt as if it assumed the events of the previous year’s same month were going to blow over, and be completely forgotten, very quickly.
Too far?***********
Dustin : really weird to see this strip give video game addiction to one of DustinDad’s peers, since I was under the impression it believed that kind of hobby is entirely the domain of younger losers like Dustin.
On the other hand, considering the other two guys talk about smoking and gambling, I’m reading the joke as “those guys got successfully browbeaten into quitting because what they had are VICES, while DustinDad’s eating habits are a GOOD thing, so it’s righteous that he stood his ground”.
***********
Hagar the Horrible : Eddie, the other guy will get a year’s time to get prepared TOO.
***********
Luann : Oh, this is meant to be a “Bwad can’t please his wife”-subtext thing! I was reading it literally, and was kind of annoyed they were doing a “Guys don’t know how to cook, only women can” thing, which was weird because we never see Toni cook, and irritating because we always see TJ doing it, especially since HE’S A PROFESSIONAL CHEF.
Yeah, “Bwad can’t rise to the occasion, TJ tries to help him but only makes things worse” makes more sense if it’s about marital prowess rather than cooking!
**********
Mark Trail : maybe the “flight risk” pun is meant to tie into Mark saying they were “ducking” responsibility?
…You have bears trying to liberate a manatee, and you go with bird puns? This strip, I swear…
Dustin:
The comic seems to be saying “Instead of making some sort of agreement with your wife, just give into her shrewish nags” and sadly this seems to be true, because Marriage is built on compromise. In turn, if you keep your wife happy, it prevents future arguments, and in turn prevents divorce. (or something like that)
Dirk’s sudden exit isn’t exactly surprising given how clumsily handled this storyline was. There was nothing about Dirk that made it seem like he had any redeeming qualities from mocking Dawn’s appearance (rather low hanging fruit considering she has one of the worst hairstyles in the series) to verbally berating her. He even deflects his behavior by blaming his parents rather than admitting fault and apologizing which Dawn completely falls for.
We all know the reason why Dawn wanted to keep the relationship working is purely because of her pride and how much of a failure she is at relationships, just like her dad. But there was literally nothing worth saving except for his Bargain Bin Zak good looks.
Mark Trial: He sounds VERY enthusiastic about Mark fighting guys in bear suits.
“Did you wrestle? You wrestled with them on the ground didn’t you? So hot, so very very hot! I mean, in the bear costumes I mean, must have been sweltering. -phew- “
MW: Apart from the scene Dirk created, the real embarrassment will kick in when he realizes he left with his bowling shoes still on.
MW: Wait, that’s it? That’s the end? That was Dawn’s journey to self worth, with no therapy needed? That’s really upsetting.
Luann: Damn you, Josh. Why’d you have to point out that limp innuendo? I didn’t even notice on first read.
MW – Dirk flounces well for a guy with multiple broken bones in his foot. I hope Dawn is impressed.
MW: considering his badly broken foot Dirk stalks rather well.
MT: Wasn’t this an episode of “Scooby-Doo?”
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: you beat me to it.
@LTJpezcore1: No, of course it isn’t the end of the story! There’s at least another week of recapping the story, and then another of Dawn acknowledging Mary’s wisdom.
Tonic will be begging for more fakery, just as she begs for more when TJ sneaks into her bed faking being Bwad and she doesn’t have to fake her orgasms.
Dustin: Clearly the artist has forgotten how/can’t be arsed to draw men wearing non-white dress shirts. Either that, or Dustin’s dad works on an even higher level of asshole than we thought. This is going to bother me all day! That’s sixteen hours, two minutes and thirty seconds longer than I want to think about Dustin!
@Ukranazi Stepan: TJ a heterosexual, aren’t you cute.
Pretty sure that pun in Crankshaft is just the alcoholic’s version of “too much blood in my coffee stream.”
On Josh’s return to Luann: One of us! One of us! Gabba-gabba-hey! Now put on the gimp suit!
@Ukranazi Stepan:
Since when are Tony Daytona Edda Burber, Brad DeGroot Amos Van Hoesen, and TJ Nolastname Seth Appleby?
….
Luann essentially being 9 Chickweed Lane isn’t that new, that threshold was crossed when it had a character hand another a jizz-stained towel from a tent that was pitched exclusively for the purpose of constant fornicating.
JP: Sophie does have a history with older redheaded men.
When I was reading Luann regularly, my secret shame is that I was shipping the couples, going all the way back to her infatuation with Aaron. If you’re going to use a metaphor like that, don’t use a couple that’s already married. Instead, pick a couple where they clearly want each other but are in denial, and follow up with the woman talking to a friend with her own kitchen, using her own cooking metaphors. The gold standard may arguably be the Cheers episode where Frasier and Lilith lust for each other on live TV.
Dustin’s dad hasn’t quite got the hang of the new, daily five minute self-denunciation break at the gov’t job site.
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: Mary needs her regular undeserved ass patting or she’ll get upset and summon the unholy spirit.
MW: ‘I’m worth so much more!!’ [Dawn pulls out gun and empties whole clip into Dirk’s back and the whole bowling alley cheers and starts singing ‘Ding Dong the Witch is Dead’ and cheering Dawn for freeing them from the tyranny of this handsome bowling hustler]
You think that’s too much? Seriously, look at Dawn’s face here! How is it that the only emotion Brigman knows how to draw convincingly is hair-on-fire homicidal rage?
Luann: Good grief, deep down I knew Kip was going to go back to Stef last week and we’d get a new storyline this week, but did it have to be these two nimrods? I’d rather have The Odd Couple in the garden shack over this…
JP: Reena! So glad you’re here! We were in danger of running out of ways to quip about this deadly serious yet idiotically contrived situation!
Mark Trail: I like that Mark is on the phone, talking and thought-ballooning about the time he fought two guys in bear suits. Even better, though, is the way Man-Bear #2 has its paw raised in… a salute? Rage? It mostly looks like a guy saying “What up, bro?” to an acquaintance, so let’s go with that.
MT: Man, I really hope that the story preceding this strip was actually about Cherry and Doc going to Wal-Mart or some shit, and all of this happened off-panel, so the reader could experience this just as we are.
Luann: So if this metaphor holds, is TJ performing a circumcision? Is this what you’re showing us, Luann?
C’sft: I like how the speech balloon in the last panel is coming from Ed’s forehead, as if it’s his brainworm that is delivering that zinger.
Dustin: I love how that punchline is delivered as flat and emotionless as possible. He’s attained a higher level of assholeness, not restrained by emotion or desire.
Mark Trail – Somewhere in comic strip purgatory, Les Moore is smiling smugly thinking of how many better, terrible puns he could have written for Mark to say.
Luann – The cake is a metaphor for this whole comic strip.
Crankshaft – As a catchup for people not following the strip since Funky Winkerbean ended, Crankshaft is slowing being Barney Googled out of his strip for the benefit of Funky Winkerbean characters, as well as self-inserts and self-interviews by Batiuk. He’s getting the leftover scraps of bad, forced puns.
Dustin – DustinMom didn’t give up so much as she learned to accept the doctor’s prognosis for DustinDad’s cholesterol and blood pressure not as a warning, but a beacon of hope. In the next five years she will still be attractive enough, and wealthy enough thanks to a life insurance payout, to find a mature man past his midlife crisis stage ready for a relationship. The only thing hampering that plan is that men like that don’t mind women with grown children, but Dustin will not grow up.
B. Bailey: Cookie is carrying Sarge’s breakfast, four jumbo jumbo jumbo eggs.
Dustin – “Guys, guys, we’re lawyers! Doesn’t anyone else here understand how to win a ‘who’s the bigger asshole’ contest?”
Damned loving wives, nagging their poor husbands into giving up their unhealthy addictions. But not Dustin’s dad! He’s not going to let some shrew keep him from dying in his 50s, goddammit!
Don Abundio, translated:
“It’s just a cheap department store, but I buy all my clothes here”
“I’ll show you why”
[Sign: INFORMATION]
“Who’s the best-dressed actor in the whole world?”
“You, Juan!”
“Strangely enough, they’re the only ones who appreciate the brilliance of my sartorial choices!”
H&L: Trixie is staring at the non-existent dark and light shadows on the desk because drawing them in would make the non-joke somewhat pithy.
Luann-We’re not talking about a cake are we? The innuendo is rather heavy.
MW-“I’m Wilbur Weston worthy!”
FC-“Your father is the same way,” Mommy says.
C: Sure, they’ll arrest small town politicians for being under the influence of alcohol, but what about big Washington politicians being under the influence of lobbyists and special interests?!?! Looks like those clowns in congress did it again. What a bunch of clowns!
Luann-In the dark TJ will slip in and pretend to be Brad.
MW and RMMD: Surprise! These two arcs are connected through a wormhole or something. Dirk storms out, Goatee Guy is thrown out, and it’s lust at first sight.
They were made for each other.
Wow, today’s Mark Trail was right up there with Gil Thorp in making me go “Does it really say this or did I have a stroke last night?” The dialogue was so insane that it took me a minute to be nauseated by the eight-year old level art.
D: The second guy from the left has it rough. The other two guys had to give up very destructive habits like gambling and smoking, which will benefit them long term. He only wanted to play some games to unwind! What’s wrong with shooting some Nazis or outsmarting Gandhi with nukes?!
“Toni will be disappointed”. Will she? If she were able of experiencing disappointment, why would she still be with you?
Those criminals will be put in jail for their crimes! Unfortunately, wearing bear costumes will awaken their fursona, meaning they will also be put in horny jail!
LUANN: Well Brad and Toni are trying to get a bun in the oven….
LUANN (2): Brad letting TJ “take over” to “finish the job” totally fits though.
“They wanted to duck responsibilities for their actions, but now they will have to bear the consequences” was right there, come on!
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: “Hellloooooo darkness my old frieeeeeeeend….”
@Needless Exposition: Mary: “The hell he is. Taking the credit is my job! I already got the Bum Boat reservations and everything!”
@Needless Exposition:Regular Undeserved Ass Patting was the name of my high school powerpunk band…
Crankshaft: “Say, do you smell that toast burning?”
MW: I’ll believe this wretched storyline is over when I see Mary and her doctor at the Bum Boat.
C’shaft: Crankshaft’s dead-eyed expression is a reminder that his puns (using the term in the loosest possible sense) are not deliberate attempts at wit but the result of his precipitous cognitive decline. This man is regularly responsible for childrens’ safety!
Dustin: Speaking as a straight person: are the straights okay?
Luann: Brad’s not fooling Toni, or anyone else.
MT: Jules Rivera is doing all these ripped-from-the-headlines stories, and she didn’t give us “bear costume insurance fraud”? I feel cheated.
MW: Stung by Dawn’s parting shot, Dirk turns and screams back at her, “Oh yeah???!!! I would have won! Even with you on my team, I would STILL HAVE WON!”
CS: “Yeah, he was not only blindly ambitious, he was blind drunk.”
JP: Did I miss the part where Sophie was revealed to be some sort of tech wizard? Because she doesn’t seem like she could change batteries in a flashlight.
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: Just out of curiosity as I don’t actually read Luann, but… is T.J canonically gay? Or was that just one of Josh’s running gags/interpretations back in the day like with Beetle and Sarge and Herb and Jamaal?
Dustin’s mom knows that fat people die younger, so not insisting on diet and exercise is a good way to get some peace in her old years
Dustin: Everybody has pointy noses except Video Game Guy. Discuss.
I thought DustinDad’s younger pointy-nosed coworker with a full head of hair was actually Dustin at first glance which made the whole conversation awkward. More importantly, I learned today that I am still unfamiliar enough with Dustin to not recognize its principal characters, which solidifies today’s entry as the most joy Dustin has ever given me.
MARK TRAIL: I guess those guys will have to grin and “bear” it huh?
MARK TRAIL (2): Mark: “Yeah Nicholas Cage kept screaming at me that my actions weren’t going to bring back my ‘goddamn honey’ for some reason.”
@Liam: Well, Dawn’s ideal man seems to be someone who acts like her father but looks like a Zak clone.
@2+2=7: And of course her beard will pay for it because she has no idea that Jeff has been out and proud in both San Francisco and Southeast Asia for decades.
@LTJpezcore1: But for the Youth Camp, it’ll have to be changed to “Friendly Back Petting.”
MW – “I AM WORTH SO MUCH MORE” – Is this the “Dawn”-ing of a new apprentice “Worth”-y of the crown as meddler in-chief of Charterstone?
(No. Dawn will be back dating a loser after the next, long-delayed Toby and Ian storyline).
DT: D’oh, he forgot to plug in the bomb!
GT: I love that one of the film nerds is wearing a beret. You rock that Erich von Stroheim look!
JP: Ronnie (Reena? I can’t keep these vaguely ethnic friends straight) needs to cultivate the habit of just turning around and going back out the door when Sophie’s in the middle of family drama, like that meme of Grandpa Simpson at the burlesque house.
MW: So you see, with a little public shaming and a token display of backbone, abusers will just give up and leave you be! They certainly won’t retaliate in a disproportionate manner in an effort to maintain control of the relationship, or attempt to hurt you if you challenge their authority or attempt to leave them. It’s just that easy!
Seriously, Wilbur’s repulsiveness is memetic, but I’m starting to think that for a really infuriating Mary Worth storyline you need Jared. Creepy, chinless, self-righteous Self-Proclaimed Nice Guy Jared.
RMMD: Cut, cut! Beardy, your accent is slipping. The proper Runyonesque declension is “you was,” not “you were.” And while “lady” may be appropriate in certain circumstances, in this setting you would most likely refer to a young woman as a “doll” or “tomato.” Now, try it again!
MW-I assume we now get a smug Mary saying “I told you so” in the most awkward form ever.
Dustin: I thought the punchline would be “I gave up my wife”!
@The Rambling Otter: Mostly a joke. I think waaaaay back in the misty origins of this strip TJ was supposed to be a ladies’ man (or someone who fancied himself as such) but these days he just hangs around the main cast cooking and making snarky comments on their lives.
Crankshaft: It’s funny, I got a public service ad raising awareness about driving under the influence of marijuana at the bottom of the page!
MW: Dirk stomps out and returns fifteen minutes later with the entire Swedish Bikini Team on his arm. “In your FACE, Dawn!”
DT: Totten didn’t plug it in? Seriously? What would his old boss at Special Forces say? “BAD Nazi. No pickled pig’s foot for you.”
@Needless Exposition: Annnnnnnnd now I’m cleaning coffee off of my computer screen…
Okay Blondie crew, you’ve shown you’re not racist. Now can you dial it back a bit?
Just want to say I am happy to see the range o’ comics expanding once more. Things were getting kinda stale with the same half-dozen comics (and the same complaints about the same half-dozen comics) being featured again and again and again.
@TheDiva: Wilbur is meant to be a joke but we’re apparently supposed to sympathize with Jared being a sulky, self righteous creep who was just too good for a shallow bitch like Dawn. Granted, Dawn is a shallow bitch but at least she didn’t manipulate a
domestic abusemugging victim into being dependent on her.Incidentally, for those who are wondering, the last time Josh commented on a Luann strip was in 2014.
@Needless Exposition: *dependent on her caregiver. Seriously, though, we all know that Moy was doing a hasty rewrite because of just how creepy Jared came across.
Luann – For what it’s worth, I’d rather have his cake in my mouth than his… well, you know.
@The Rambling Otter: LUANN – “is T.J canonically gay?”
No, he isn’t. He’s just a confirmed lifelong bachelor who lives with his married male BFF and cleans and cooks for him, and who always is shown as clueless when sexual innuendo is floating around. Dates back to Ann Eiffel trying to flirt with him at Weenie World, and TJ not recognizing that he was being flirted with.
The problem is that if he came out the Trufans might feel something, anything, other than dull resignation to this strip never going anywhere, and lowered expectations are what keeps this strip in circulation.
@2+2=7: re Luann: TJ “finishes the job” of Brad and Toni getting a “bun in the oven.” He’s going to be their sperm donor! No physical contact needed or implied. What are friends for, after all?
Chix (sic): Xunise admires the novelty doorstop she received from her bank. “Bingo! This is definitely a strip!”
LUANN: From Josh’s write up:
Well that’s because Brad forgot to zip up his fly before he started baking and he’s just letting it all flop out there.
@Ukulele Ike: Dirk shouldn’t have a single friend.
MW: Both times we’ve seen Dawn’s and Dirk’s rage face, Jared has been standing behind in close proximity.
Did he goose Dawn mid-sentence? “I’m worth [woo!] SO MUCH MORE!
@ValdVin: Only to find themselves rammed by feral hogs from “Mark Trail”.
MW: Not only is Dawn pissed, she has yellow eyes. She’s gone into Scut Farkus Terminator Mode.
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box:
T.J. may not be canonically gay, but he IS canonically a criminal (serial arsonist, to be precise) with a massive personal fortune he acquired through repeated (insurance) fraud, right?
@2+2=7: LUANN: Well Brad and Toni are trying to get a bun in the oven….
Brad may be, but Toni definitely isn’t. She only played along so he’d get off her back about it. I mean even I noticed that, and I’m normally clueless as hell.
LuAnn: Glad to see Josh get pulled back in. I was coming here today specifically to comment on the strip because I was sure Josh wouldn’t. Clearly the next home improvement job Toni should take on is sound insulation between their room and TJ’s.
(Don’t blame me… I’m NotGregEvans)
Mark’s facial hair is looking so unkempt that the bear guys could have just held up a mirror and Mark would have caught sight of his reflection, mistook himself for the bad guy, and punched himself out.
DtM: calling your decrepit neighbor late at night to mock their dementia, very menacing
Mother Goose: I’ve never seen anyone use the word guitar as a euphemism for penis before
Beetle Bailey: The army isn’t paying you by the hour, if he wants to spend all night obsessively washing dishes I wouldn’t complain
Pluggers are dumbasses, #14833
MT – I have to admit, I’m not much for the new MT. Give me the old days – cabins and game lodges engaging in erudite conversation – Doc swilling back his “special” maple syrup – Andy making WOLVES his bitches. But I find panel two interesting in the absolute lack of color in Mark’s pie hole….
Luann – I have the feeling faking it it an important characteristic for anyone in any kind of relationship with B-was….
Crank – A little product placement – Metamucil would have been a better fit….
Dustin – Don’t forget humor, though – she’s succeeded in leaving you completely bereft of that….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
@The Rambling Otter: In Luann, TJ is Brad’s sassy, gay, best friend.
Love how the only acknowledged consequence of gambling, smoking, and poor diet is “Your wife will bitch about it, and that’s really annoying!”