Family drama
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Mary Worth, 2/5/26
“Good lord,” you’re no doubt thinking, “how is it that, more than two weeks after Ian ended his war against Sunny the parrot by pathetically surrendering, this plot is still happening?” Well, it’s to set up a long-term plot point: if Ian refused to love the bird Toby acquired a few weeks earlier just because it shat in his shoes, could she ever trust him again? Somehow, after so many years of marriage, Toby has finally noticed that her husband is an asshole, and sure, maybe it’s over something that he’s actually right about, but he’s on thin ice going forward (until Toby remembers she has neither a job nor any marketable skills).
Judge Parker, 2/5/26
Ann’s triumphant return has, predictably, devolved into wall-of-text family dysfunction, but I am kind of curious why Ann’s dialogue in the second panel makes it seem like she’s trying to de-escalate but the jagged-edged word balloon indicates that she’s yelling. Maybe she’s worried a furious Katherine is about to deliver a potful of hot coffee right to her face? Don’t worry, Ann, that would be exciting, so it definitely won’t happen.
Mother Goose and Grimm, 2/5/26
Say, just out of curiosity, did, uh, Robin Hood famously have any kind of interesting relationship with the tax assessment and collection apparatus? You know, the kind of dynamic that might provide a punchline of some sort in a strip like this? A better punchline than what we got here, maybe?
171 replies to “Family drama”
JP-My god! She’s angrily pouring that coffee!
MW-Mary completely mishears the entire thing and tells Toby to divorce Ian.
MW-Well let’s see. Toby never bothered to call Ian once and tell him about the parrot.
Poor Mary, faced with an intractable conflict between two of her faves (enabling ridiculous behavior and gassing up terrible men).
Phantom:
“If I’d thrown you out in the opposite way, feet first, Chuma, we could have called this depiction ‘a pane in the *ss!”
JP:
I wonder if the State Fair ever comes to Cavelton; and, if so, whether they have a “Best Frowny Face” contest you can enter, with prizes. Each of these two would be am early favorite.
JP: Smashing the coffee pot into Ann’s face “History of Violence” style is something I hadn’t thought of and, of course, it makes sense considering the circumstances but if Catherine did have it in her to perform such an act Alan would have been on the receiving end a long time ago.
MW: I guess Josh was wrong yesterday – the pie and the salad were both for Mary. Toby’s lunch consists solely of a gin and tonic on an empty stomach (the slice of lemon counts as her calories treat for the day). How else do you think she a) stays so slim and b) come out with ideas like “Should I divorce my husband because my bird ate all his stuff?”
JP: Does everyone in the Parkerverse have the same face? I assume their version of the movie Face/Off was a lot more confusing.
JP:
Clearly, Robert Young needs to stop by with Sanka Brand Decaffeinated Coffee and then come back a few weeks later to see if that improves the mood here.
Judge Parker: This entire family shouting match and the subsequent murder/suicide could have been avoided wth decaf.
Mary Worth, you tricked us! Yesterday, Toby was getting the salad & Mary the pie.
You can’t count on anything these days.
Mother Goose and Grimm:
“If I’m able to wangle a deduction for you on account of them, that would be a real feather in my cap! So to speak.”
MW – You’ve done it now, Mary. By siding with Ian, Toby has activated her huge, misshapen left arm to destroy you.
MW: Now look here, Josh, we didn’t suffer through weeks of “I’LL REPORT YOU TO SCHOOL MANAGEMENT” for you to forget that Toby has a job playing ultimate Frisbee and teaching students to draw anime portraits at Santa Royale Community College.
Mary Worth Mashups: How about a few missing final panels? Any you like?
Mary Worth:
“Would you have given that up for a new pet?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Probably. You know, comme ci, comme ca.”
Pluggers: From the looks of him, pluggers are constantly finishing off jars of peanut butter to get the high of the “first spoonful.”
Six Chix: I don’t understand. I don’t think I want to understand.
MW Does Mary even know that Ian was dealing with poop and destruction? That kind of seems important context to giving advice here. Oh, who am I kidding – Mary knew Toby hadn’t told Ian about Sunny before he came back and didn’t blink at that. She’s moved beyond advice-giving and just sits back and watches now that she’s set up Charterstone for her own amusement.
Phantom Who knew that building codes in Ivory Lana included “windows made of sugar” for all of your don’t-slice-your-opponent-to-ribbons defenestration needs?
GA: Old and busted: “‘Baroque’ is ‘broke’! Ha ha ha!” Repeat for weeks.
New Hotness: “Acronyms are hard and confusing! Why, back in my day, we had Radar and Scuba and no need for acronyms!”
JP: Yep, in P2 Ann’s word balloon should be smooth, to indicate that her dialog is inspired by a desire to tone things down, and Katherine’s word balloon should be jagged, to indicate that her dialog is inspired by a 90-proof pot of coffee.
Luann: Is the joke that Luann doesn’t try to inflate every lame job she’s had? Is the joke that Les DOES inflate every lame job he’s had? Is the joke that Tara had a job that doesn’t need to be inflated? Is the joke that Fogarty is collecting basic information for a lesson, and none of them should be trying to impress her with inflated job titles? Is the joke that Fogarty herself doesn’t know this? Is the joke that Fogarty gives them this awful, outdated advice? Is the joke that Luann’s generation was raised by social media, and overhyping themselves is just day-to-day social interaction for them? Is the joke that Luann is so far behind her peers that she doesn’t even know that? Is the joke that Luann’s answer is actually correct, but for the wrong reasons?
I think it’s a lore joke. Remember last summer, when Tara was trying to get Luann to work at a summer camp, but it never materialized? That’s where Tara became an archery coach. Lesson #1 of Career Paths class: if you want a career, you have to, you know, try to get one.
MG&G: Well, I suppose that whole “giving to the poor” thing counts as a charitable donation.
Frazz : “Caufield is testing MY PATIENCE with his mind-bogglingly idiotic comments.”
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Mary Worth : Toby doesn’t care and has already forgotten that Sunny actually destroyed several of Ian’s prized possessions, and that was what he was angry about (being repeatedly called a “Pompous Axx” and then laughed at exasperated him).
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Mother Goose and Grimm : This joke would work better if the tax collector had been turned into a pincushion from Robin’s arrows, while the Merry Men surrounded and loomed over him.
Or is that too graphic and edgy for the comics’ page?
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Safe Havens : …Is Dee talking about wearing the corpse of one of her kind as a scarf!?
(Seriously, furry comics should probably not have the characters talking about wearing fur, even in this “well, instead of fur, we are wearing FABRIC made out of VEGETAL SOURCES” context)
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Slylock Fox : EXTRA DIFFERENCE : In the panel on the right, the mermaid leads a double-life as a mild-mannered, timid girl of this sleepy harbor town. In the panel on the left, the mermaid is an eldritch abomination that eats the human flesh of the unfortunate fishermen of this spooky village.
Both would bang Lucky Eddie if they ever met himDT: The plotting has gone over the cliff. Dick’s old partner and presumably old friend is the big bad? And the breakthrough clue is a random dog nip at the wrist causing the watch to fall off? It is on you Dick – what a cheap watch strap! So basically DT is extraneous to the main plot.
Czar was holed up in the hotel, so the Mirror encounter with DT didn’t really mean anything.
The assassination, and botched escape all occurred without DT. DT’s only role is to recognize the wrist watch.
GT: Ok – a reset look – I thought Gil was taller. The coaches are younger and leaner. Look how they all look better without those bags and jowls!
Hi and Lois: Actually you sue about anything. It may not have any merit and get tossed out of court risking a counter suit for vexious litigation, but if you have the money go for it.
JP: Ann realizes she has overplayed her hand. She thought the family card was a free pass but she’s blown it now by not reading the situation probably. Now she is cowed by the counter attack and is all jazz hands and about to suggest Katherine switch to decaf coffee.
Actually this scene is a good subtle point and explains how her many many criminal schemes failed! She would blow the set up or failed to close the deal or somehow just sour things. Meanwhile Charlotte has finished her hot chocolate, meal and has washed up the dishes and plates. She is now quietly reading the mail left on the kitchen table. “hmmmmm, rebuilding the stables is expensive, and feeding the horsies takes a lot of money as well…”
Luann: OK – so the strip is drifting aimless like Luann, we get it.
Mary Worth: Will Toby actually answer this question? If pressed, who will she choose, Pompous Axx Ian or Squawky Sunny?
Phantom: Judge, jury, and defenestrator! The Phantom clearly has been working out. It takes a lot of strength to throw someone through a modern tempered glass window, and horizontal blinds. Or did the striped shorted one, have his doggie hold General Chum at bay while he carefully raised the blinds?
RMMD:
Terry’s wife Erika posted on his Facebook account yesterday that he had gotten out of ICU sooner than expected and that he was continuing on his road to recovery. Great news.
Phantom: Very forward thinking of General Chuma to install candy glass windows, just in case a purple-suited colonizer decided to show up and shove his face into one before hurling him through it.
“How could Ian have been so against Sunny?!?”
“Well, Sunny destroyed his awards, his mementos, his shoes, insulted him endlessly, and you never asked him before bringing Sunny indy your house.”
“OK, but apart from that?”
CS: This is so stupid it genuinely pisses me off. No, Jeff, you do not lose your precious Marshall tickets if you don’t have your phone in your hand. You needed your phone in your hand to even get to this point, because you would have had to enter a code at some point, not answer Tuesday’s equally stupid, equally wrong CAPTCHA joke. And they typically give you 10 minutes to do even that! You don’t have to retrieve virtual tickets instantly; they’re accessible any time after you pay for them. Which you must have done, if you’re being asked to collect them. Which means your transaction is already complete. Which means Panel 3 is a lie. And you’re sure as hell not going to miss out on good seats to Marshall Crenshaw, whatever you do.
If I wanted to see old, angry, bitter imbeciles confounded by day-to-day technology, while boring me to death with their tedious nostalgia, I’d read Pluggers, you hack.
Besides, since when does anyone in this universe use the phone or the computer for anything? Next week in Crankshaft could easily be Mason Jarre and seventh-trimester Cindy Summers driving in from Los Angeles to collect the $46 their movie theater earned last week. So they can immediately spend it at Montoni’s.
Mother Goose and Grimm: I shot the Sheriff, but I didn’t kill no IRS agent — Congress took care of that for me.
@Banana Jr. 6000: “Remember last summer, when Tara was trying to get Luann to work at a summer camp, but it never materialized? That’s where Tara became an archery coach.”
Maybe this whole lame “class” is a setup to go into a flashback so the Evansii can finally use the strips they had to cancel when they coincided with the Texas flood camp tragedy.
Every Robin Hood film needs to spend the first half on an origin story, and the one in Mother Goose and Grimm seems as good as any.
Judge Parker: “Frankly, what we don’t need right now is you. What we do need is some Irish for this coffee. Pass me that bottle of Jameson, your father is very particular.”
MW: I really hope that the next three days worth of panels are just awkward silence as they chew. Finally, on the last panel of the Sunday strip, Mary simply says “Ok, then…”
JP: Hey, hey! There no need for jazz hands!
@Banana Jr. 6000:
Besides, since when does anyone in this universe use the phone or the computer for anything?
Crankshaft buys thousands of dollars worth of Bean’s End crap every
dayyear, and he does it by computer.The biggest hiccup HE’s ever had was that time he accidentally paid the invoice number instead of the amount charged (“thank goodness it was early in the year before the invoice numbers got in the eight digits; instead, I paid 7493 $ instead of 3599 $!”)
…Crankshaft is better at using a computer to pay for stuff than his son-in-law, despite being in his 90s (and also an idiot).
@The Quiet Man: Interesting theory. It’s taking way too long to get started, though. It’d be much easier to simply have the story happen this summer instead of last.
Mother Goose and Grimm-“We’re straight just merry.”
Mary Worth: Of all the possible lame dialogue, this is the lamest. But it is much improved if you imagine it being delivered by the Intelligent Life characters, and given the depiction of Mary’s head in panel two, you don’t need much imagination for that.
MW-Wilbur turned into a massive depressed wreck over a dead fish I’m pretty sure Toby would have divorced Ian over a parrot.
@Baja Gaijin: Definitely #1,
MGG – Well, if you can call being bled to death by a doctor who is supposedly treating you a punchline, maybe. But this isn’t Rex Morgan, MD.
@Banana Jr. 6000: There’s a reason a flashback story would start with Ms. Fogarty. One of the running jokes in Luann is that the characters can never escape the tiny social group they exist in, i.e., everybody turns up in everybody else’s storyline. They’re also all awful, but that’s not really a joke, it’s just a fact.
Mary Worth: Now that I think about it, this seems like a brilliant depiction of the “reverse victim-offender status” so favored by abusers and their parrots.
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: That’s supposed to be a joke? If so, it’s a really dark one. I think the central theme of the strip is that Luann desperately needs to leave her tiny social group. Staying in it sure as hell isn’t doing her any good.
MW – You’ve been married to a faux elitist pompous windbag for years…. I was going to make some sort of point about commitment, but now the best I can offer is given Ian’s age and general health profile, he can’t last too much longer. Why settle for half his net worth when you could have it all….
JP – This could be a ‘60s ad for Sanka….
MG&G – Sorry…you have to have earned income in order to benefit from charitable contributions. Frankly, your whole operation smacks of some kind of money laundering scam….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
@Anonymous #32: Good point, and much more concise than what I said. Crankshaft should be even more computer-averse than Jeff, considering he’s 107 years old, and was once illiterate. But now he creates AI-powered gardening tools in his spare time. And Jeff had an office job, so he should have gotten some familiarity with computers over the last 25 years. The Funkyverse is insultingly stupid all the way down.
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: By which I meant, “Luann being unable to escape her tiny social group is a joke?” The phrasing came off harsher than I intended. Sorry about that.
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: Good old DARVOPAG. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender, Parrots Are Great
Blondie: Dagwood is now imagining a well done mailman? At what point does his gluttony lead to institutionalization?
MW: Mary has her smart phone accidentally set to translate.
“You would have ended your long marriage over a new pet?”
The phone blurts out: Are you that much of a shithead?
FG: Hubba-hubba! Queen Hotsy-Totsy has entered the building! Even Ming has wood!
DT: Lizzy is doing a Thel Keane sweater puppies display.
MW: Two weeks? This shit’s been going on for four months!
MW – “But Mary, that’s just it. Maybe my marriage isn’t so happy.” (Slap!) “Toby, look at me. Look deep into my eyes! You are happily married… happily married… happily married…
JP – Do you suppose “Hey, hey, no need to get so worked up” is the same thing Ces says when we rip into his scripting for Judge Parker? Food for thought.
Don Abundio, translated:
“Tonight’s dinner is rice”
“And… what else?”
“Nothing else”
“Maybe he’ll give me more notice next time!”
Robin Hood writing off his arrows is like Al Capone writing off Tommy guns.
Damn it, Ann, Katherine has broken out the red coffee cup. Can’t you take a hint?
MW: Tonight at dinner as Dr Jeff goes on about how pathetic Toby is, Mary thinks to herself:
“How can I be with someone who doesn’t see Toby as I do…an innocent animal who just wants love and care?”
How could Ian be against a destructive animal that you let roam free in the condo, Toby? How? HOW? OH! OH! Damn it, Karen Moy, you almost got me! Oblivious to how their own actions affect other people? Whining to Mary with no self-reflection at all? You’re trying to turn her into a second Wilbur!
Now this is professional meddling, folks. Mary cleverly emphasizes “happily married”. The fishing expedition has begun.
Chix (sic):
Answer: Purrr, Purrrr. Chirp! Chirp! Chirp! VrrrRrr! BZZZZZZZZ. HUMMMM
Question: What is pillow talk for schizophrenics?
FC: Thel holds up PJ gumming a kaiser roll. “Figure it out, Einstein.”
“The obvious play at this point, Toby, is to keep introducing birds into the apartment until Ian up and leaves. Now, I know a guy who can get you budgies by bushel, parrots by the pound, and bulk mynahs.”
“But Mary, I want to keep Ian!”
“What? Really? Oh, then, uh, you’ve been happily married for years, right? Just keep doing that, keep your weight down and put out.”
@Banana Jr. 6000: Easier, yes, but a bigger risk. After all, next summer will probably bring yet more floods, fires, maybe even a famine (this world is overdue for one) that will make it ‘inappropriate’ for the Evansii to run those strips. Better to run them now when the only thing going on is blizzards ‘reducing the surplus population’ on the other side of the continent.
…too much?
JP: Who wants to bet that coffee’s got a bit of Irish in it? Katherine may be more subtle about her drinking than her husband, but there’s no way she deals with this family while sober.
MW: Every so often, Mary hints that Toby may not be an entirely innocent party in this–“Are you sure it’s wise to cancel social engagements so you can watch sitcoms with your bird?” “Would you really leave your husband and only source of support over a pet he didn’t like for fairly understandable reasons?”–but it comes to nothing. Maybe she’s wary of alienating the only other person who will talk to her besides Jeff.
Mary Worth
Perhaps Mary should shut her salad-and-pie hole.
HtH: Before The Little Ice Age started in the 14th century, atypical warmth created a boom in agriculture leading to an obesity epidemic in Northern Europe. It’s always neat to find a Hagar strip with such meticulous care paid to historical accuracy.
Beetle Bailey: I hate to be the one to tell the chaplain, but military bases have non-denominational chapels, not churches. That First Amendment thing means not shoving Christianity down every PFC’s throat.
(Then again, I haven’t been keeping up with the current regime, so this may have changed.)
@Pozzo: What a concept
MW: I really hope that Mary is going to metaphorically swat Toby upside the head with a clue by four, but given this strip’s bias towards “animals are better than people” I doubt she will.
That parrot made me sympathize with Ian. Ian!
C’shaft: So we’ve gone from “slight exaggeration of inconvenience” to “inconvenience that never happens, ever, you’re just making up fake things to be angry about and it’s even less funny than when you were angry about things that actually do happen.”
DT: So Frank Grimes got out of Springfield and into another city designed to drive anyone unfamiliar with its bizarre internal logic entirely mad?
Dustin: Women like men who don’t make broad blanket statements that begin with “women like men who are…”
GT: Whoa, is that supposed to be Coach Luke? He needs to get off the Ozempic!
Luann: Out of the three, Les is the closest to doing what you’re actually supposed to while job hunting–emphasizing skills and responsibilities over job titles. Luann, meanwhile, is flat-out lying on her resume, as nobody at WeenieWorld trusts her with food prep.
RMMD: That’s exactly what this story needed–MORE sitting around in waiting rooms!
MW – “How could Ian have been so against Sunny – a simple creature who formed an attachment to me?”
“I see. BTW, who’s that hayseed who’s been hanging around doing chores?”
“Jethro? He’s just … a friend.”
“Hey, hey! No need to get so worked up! You think you are competing for an Oscar or doing prestige TV? Please, this is Judge Parker!”
JP: Too bad Katherine hasn’t seen the film noir classic “The Big Heat”. She’d know what to do with that coffee.
@Banana Jr. 6000: And even when you do have an expired code, the site allows you to request a new one rather than tanking your entire transaction. Because businesses want you to spend money with them (shocker!) and they don’t go about making it impossible for shiggles.
Alas, one of Batiuk’s favorite “jokes” is that the minor annoyances and inconveniences of the world are deliberately and maliciously orchestrated for the sole purpose of making an individual’s (read: his) life difficult. It’s Crankshaft’s entire raison d’etre: a bus driver who forces riders to walk through puddles, backs up traffic and destroys property because it’s paradoxically his job to do his job as badly as possible.
MW: Everyone’s overlooking the most insane thing, so far, about this storyline: Toby’s feathery eyelashes have grown at least three inches from panel 1 to 2. It’s like cancerization but with birds. Kudos to Mary for keeping her shit together, and lunch down, as she witness this Cronenbergian transformation.
@Charterstone: Dune: “carcinisation” … dammit
DT: The guy left a personalized gift watch, given to him by the detective in charge of the case, at the crime scene. He should be pretty easy to locate — just follow the trail of monogrammed handkerchiefs.
@TheDiva: Hey now, don’t forget Wilbur! He always talks to Mary – when he needs reassurance that everything he does is perfectly normal and it’s all the ‘chicks’ fault for not being magnetized by his endearing quirks!
@Tabby Lavalamp: Indeed, you may have uncovered Moy’s next move. Introducing ‘The Adventures of Wilbur and Wilbette and their Wacky Wailing Animals!’ with special annual cameos by Mary Whatserface!
JP – “Look, I know I’ve been gone for a long time. Last time it was what – 30 years? But hey, Dad practically disappeared from this strip for decades and his name is on it! Our birthright and legacy have been stolen by that lawyer and his horse-fucking wife! We’ve got to take it back! Are you with me on this or not?”
MW: In a sudden “Judge Parker” and “Mary Worth” cross-over panel, furious waitress Katherine Parker approached the table where Mary and Toby were eating. She glared at Mary and slammed a steaming red mug down on the table. Her word balloon was scalloped, with sharp points that emphasized her prickly persona.
“I’ve been listening to you for a hour, and I’m done,” the waitress snarled. “You come in here and think just because this stupid strip is named for you, you can tell people what to do! Well, I’m sick of hearing the two of you go on and on about the damn parrots. I don’t know which of you is more batshit crazy, but I can’t listen to one more minute of this tripe. So here’s your coffee and your check. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!”
As the furious waitress departed, Toby wondered aloud if 18% was enough for a tip.
Luann: Les’ answer reminds me of Ed Norton on The Honeymooners. When asked what he does, Ed answers: “I’m an engineer…in subterranean sanitation!”
MW: This is one of the hazards of marrying someone who was born when you were, like, 40. If Toby were Ian’s age, she’d just be happy he’s not out to kill her parrot anymore. But no. She can’t let it go.
@TheDiva: Has Batiuk ever shared anything about his political leanings? It just struck me that he comes across something like a Libertarian in the modern vein, constantly complaining how everything bad that happens in the world is the fault of a government overregulating everything (businesses could operate so much better if they didn’t have to have all these rules!), yet seemingly not ever contemplating what strategy might effectively create the world he wants to live in and instead thinks merely cataloguing and ‘bearing witness’ is sufficient.
Yes, I read way too much political commentary for my own good, why do you ask?
Pluggers: I’ll wager the fat bastard double-dips without washing the spoon first.
Pluggers: A spoon? A real plugger would just use his fingers, if not his tongue.
@The Quiet Man: #59: Right now the only things big in the news are Savannah Guthrie’s missing mom and anti-ICE protests.
Dogs Are Good II: Birds Are Good
Phantom: Screaming his terrible war-cry KATASSH!!! and with a mighty bound, General Chuma was free!
RMMD- I see that Sara is using the down time in the waiting room to hone her pocket picking skills.
Robin Hood can overcome corrupt law enforcement apparati and bring a powerful monarchy to its knees but is powerless in the face of the modern bureaucratic state — feels right, actually.
@Ukulele Ike: “We’ve hit a dead end, Chief. The perp neglected to leave his Social Security Number.”
Mary Worth: I think even Mary is kinda over this one. Sure, it could just be her usual heternormative meddling, but the way her dialogue in this strip is written is giving me vibes of “Jesus, this is bad even by our standards, get the fuck over it, Toby”.
Judge Parker: Reminder, all this drama and turmoil over Ann’s criminal past is over her doing some boring white collar shit like embezzling and tax evasion, yet the characters are wigging out more over that than they did over the murderous drug cartel that was running their town a few years ago. They must have a really big deal family code over doing your finances correctly.
JP: Ann needs a better defense than just putting her hands up. We don’t know just how hot the coffee is that Katherine is about to throw in her face.
MW: Maybe Ian thought he had his hands full with the even simpler creature he was already living with.
Robin Hood stands over the body of a tax accountant impaled by an arrow. “That’s how I make a deduction!” he declares triumphantly. How hard was that?
@Lauralot: Hmm, Toby being bullied, harassed and harangued by a woman who was bitter because Ian strung her along in an inappropriate relationship? Yeah, he does kinda deserve to live with a mated pair of manure spreaders, come to think of it.
DT: Why the hell was The Mirror wearing an easily tracable, custom wristwatch, gifted to him by the chief of detectives, during his crime spree???
@Guillermo el chiclero: @Artist formerly known as Ben: Lee Martin’s go-to for Grahame’s face was boiling* coffee. Katherine’s been fussing with that damn pot since Monday. It’s lukewarm at best and Ann won’t even have trouble getting the stains out, so long as she pre-treats her laundry.
*1953 American coffee was complete shit. Remember your parents’ electric percolator?
MW – no, Mary, she’s going to throw away the marriage because it turns out the man she’s married to is a creepy and possessive *asshole* who displayed *alarmingly abusive* behavior when he discovered that his wife had a single shred of care for a creature that isn’t him, specifically.
Judge Parker: Ix Nay with the jazz hands, young lady. That’s Wilbur Weston’s schtick!
@The Quiet Man: I think the flooding in Texas last year was a specific enough disaster that the Evanses can just tell their summer camp story a year later. It’s one thing to postpone a summer camp story because it’s too soon after a real-world summer camp disaster; it’s another thing to kill a story permanently, out of fear that something bad might happen at a summer camp someday. If that’s how we’re thinking, what kind of world do we live in?
@TheDiva: No, it’s much simpler than that. Crankshaft’s just an asshole.
You know how I want this Mary Worth storyline to end? Toby’s head sprouts parrot wings, flies off her shoulders, and right into the goddamned sun, as she caws particularly stupid caws. Ideally intercut with frames of Ian making his trademark angry/indignant face.
@Ukulele Ike: She might get the coffee stains out, but the blood from her shredded hands and face when Katherine smashes the whole damn pitcher into her maw… that will be much harder.
@Guillermo el chiclero: Exactly! It’s the perfect time for wacky shenanigans with our favorite fugitive from an asylum and her enabling friend at the reincarnation of Camp Runamuck! Don’t we all need some levity right now?
9CL – Polly and Gee met, spent two days in a boinkfest, and immediately got married. Now she says she’s not happy. Quelle surprise.
Mary Worth – Toby is simple minded and as immature as the 9CL twins, only without the boinking. Thinking about her and Ian and boinking just made me throw up in my mouth.
Okay, can this story END? It’s reached the nadir of stupidity and annoyance. I hope.
@Baja Gaijin: Mashups – I sincerely appreciate your mashups, but I loathe this story so much that it deserves nothing less than the flaming meteor or flaming poop.
@Bob Tice: Good news. Wishing Terry Beatty the best.
@Banana Jr. 6000:
I think the flooding in Texas last year was a specific enough disaster that the Evanses can just tell their summer camp story a year later.
The Evansii are the same people who had Toni and B-Wad set to marry on 9/11 because that event was the impetus for both of them becoming firefighters. Romantic!!!
They walked that back after the readership was suitably horrified.
What I’m saying is, if you’re waiting on the Evansii to read the room… don’t.
DT: Talk about pulling a deus ex machina out of your ass. According to my copy of “The Celebrated Cases of Dick Tracy”, which covers the Tracy saga from the very beginning, his first and only partner was Pat Patton. When Pat got promoted to chief his partner was Sam Catchem.
@Old School Allie Cat: Good point.
sex Organ V.D.: “No, The Count’s caddy brought me in the Count’s golf bag. Don’t let the nine iron hit you in the golf balls,Rexy!”
Come on Katherine, nobody in this family has ever left behind any privilege.
@Guillermo el chiclero:
Talk about pulling a deus ex machina out of your ass.
____________________________________________________
…but enough about “Marvin”!
The best part of coming home from jail is Folger’s™in your face!
@Ukulele Ike: #90: Can’t relate to those old percolators because my mom and dad always drank instant. If my mom wanted tea the same hot water could be used for both. My only childhood memories of electric percolators was the TV ad where the little glass bubble on top of the percolator would pop in tune with the background music. Poppa-poppa-pop-pop! Pop-poppa-pop-pop!
Crock: Yeah, well, there’ll be something to be said for Otis getting bigger and finally growing a pair of arms.
DT: If Dick finds out he can’t even trust people with the last name “Gould” it’s going to prompt a major theological crisis.
Dustin: Dustin’s expression doesn’t bespeak lack of confidence so much as justifiable resentment of the dialogue he’s forced to speak.
GA: Gertie, being a mere whippersnapper of 70 or so, has never heard of Morse code. More concerning is that Walt can’t handle the abstruse concept of “buy one, get one free.”
Luann: As much as “weeniemaker” sounds like something Luann would do, doesn’t she just wipe down the tables while others are weeniemaking?
MT: I could go back and remind myself what the Grungey Boys’ beef with Mark is, but don’t feel compelled to do so. As hokey as the strip was in the Elrod days, its one-off bad guys had more gravitas than the recurring villains do now.
Phantom: Two members of the kitchen crew turn their heads, stunned and honored to be present at the birth of a new onomatopoeia.
@Artist formerly known as Ben: As much as “weeniemaker” sounds like something Luann would do, doesn’t she just wipe down the tables while others are weeniemaking?
Maybe Luann *is* trying to make her job sound more impressive than it actually is. And “Weeniemaker” really is the best possible way to interpret it. The joke is that Luann’s career is an unpolishable turd.
I don’t mean to keep beating the “Good Lord, Luann is a huge loser” drum, but the strip isn’t giving me anything to the contrary.
At this point in Mary Worth I am firmly against that parrot, but mostly against “Toby” here.
Nancy: Caroline Cash borrows the Three Rocks from Bill Griffith, who bought them at Ernie Bushmiller’s estate sale.
MG&G:
“You know the Rat Pack’s movie vehicle, ‘Robin and the 7 Hoods’? Well, in that one, Robin tried to take his hoods as deductions, and he ended up getting sent up the river for tax evasion!”
@I speak Jive: re: 9CL: Married less than a week and Polly’s already bored with fucking. I hope she finds something else on which to base this marriage, maybe a nice hobby. I understand stamp collections can be intriguing.
Edda: “Bored with FUCKING? It’s like I don’t even KNOW YOU.”
Luann-Luann, if you have brain one in that head of yours you would shut up.
Ziggy-Oh Magoo.
@The Quiet Man: Has Batiuk ever shared anything about his political leanings?
Well, the hero of one of his FW stories was literally Bill Clinton and he still occasionally cribs from Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth” for his stories on (what Tom and absolutely nobody else calls) “climate damage”).
It’s not at all hard to guess he’s a Clinton-era Boomer Democrat
@Guillermo el chiclero: Hmm, which is worse – besmirching an old character to play the old partner was a criminal all along game, or jamming in a never-before-discussed-over-DECADES-of-story supposed “old partner”?
@Dr. Larry Erhardt: I like Cash’s art much better than James’ but her intro run so far is far too meta more my liking. I mean, Nancy has always been meta—Nancy and Sluggo have been aware that they are comic strip characters since the Bushmiller days, but it wasn’t the whole point every strip, which is that Nancy is a lazy, sassy, selfish hoe and we love her for it.
@Guillermo el chiclero: @CanuckDownSouth: So this Jerry Gould supposedly left the Neo-Chicago police force to become a private eye in NYC. I simply cannot imagine Archie Goodwin or Saul Panzer being this much of a fuckup. Even Orrie Cather would laugh his ass back to the Neo-Loop.
What’s worse, Jerry’s wimpy case of the shakes and cold sweats, or the fact he’s staying in an American Colonial-theme B&B with eagles on the mirrors? Probably orders the “Patrick Henry” for breakfast, but asks to substitute the corned beef hash from the “Thomas Paine” for the bacon.
HtH: I’m sorry, I will accept this strip pulling a lot of things out of its ass for the sake of a joke and never mentioning them again, but I refuse to believe that Hägar’s sack-thing has pockets.
Pluggers: You’re a Plugger if you put even less effort into your fake-but-recognisable brand names than Tom Batiuk. (Well, recognisable to Americans — I had to look it up. In my part of the world, Jif is lemon juice, and also used to be cleaning products before they were renamed Cif.)
Nancy-Let he who is without snark cast the first stone.
@Guillermo el chiclero: I’m not a coffee drinker but I did make coffee in a percolator for my parents.
I don’t think I’ve ever used a Mr.Coffee-style coffeemaker (except for cleaning the carafe) and I know I’ve never used a Kerrigan.
@Ukulele Ike:
Better watch out if Inspector Cramer gets on the case!
@UncleJeff: I believe I typed “Keurig”. Damn spellchecker.
@The Quiet Man: Tom Batiuk has written pages and pages and pages about his political beliefs, but nothing that would tell you what they actually are. It’s just like everything else with this guy.
In all seriousness: yes, Batiuk gives off 90s latte liberal vibes, as #113 said. Stories have included (1) combatting “climate damage”, even though his own wasteful consumption habits are on display; (2) using Bill Clinton as a deus ex machina to end a story about immigration enforcement he couldn’t finish, and sure as hell isn’t going to now; (3) the post office bombing story was a broadside at AM talk radio, but it’s better remembered for what appears to be Les Moore running down the street yelling “USA!”; (4) “school levy” stories, where Westview High School tries and inevitably fails to raise tax revenue. This is acknowledged as a bad thing. Even though it’s hard to blame the town for not wanting to waste any more money on that dump.
Luann-Luann, the adults are talking and trying to hit on each other. Shut up.
MG&G: Robin Hood needs a better accountant. Merry Men Ltd. is clearly a nonprofit enterprise, all those expenses including the Men qualify as whatever medieval England’s equivalent of a 501(?)(3) is.
@Liam:
It says a lot that Luann seems to believe someone with the same exact job as her
(except for the fact that Weenie World doesn’t let her anywhere near the kitchen)is a total loser with an embarassing job.@Horace Broon: You’re a Plugger if you get your peanut butter from the current Family Circus cartoonist. Yeah, I know he doesn’t actually spell his name like that, but doesn’t it seem like he should?
@Banana Jr. 6000:
My favorite story was about the gay student at the prom whose face we never saw.
Mary Worth – As much as people like to dump on incels with AI girlfriends for not being able to handle relationships with independent people, Toby’s willingness to consider divorce because Ian isn’t immediately warm to a new bird that shat in his shoes and tore up a beloved possession shows she and other people who say “I prefer animals over people” share some similar issues.
Judge Parker – “You come in here and think just because you’re blood you can tell this family what to do!” Katherine yells, “Well, while you were gone we switched our allegiance to the Crips!”
Mother Goose and Grimm – I’m no accountant, but the poor attempt to redo a joke originally about child tax credits and the Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe can be written off as a loss.
@Banana Jr. 6000: Thank you for providing that information.
So he’s completely left behind by modern events and thinks doing the same thing over and over, only more emphatically, will make things better? I should have guessed. All the more reason to wish he’d just call it a day and off somewhere to let someone else have a try.*
*Which also goes for Ces, Brigmoy, the Evansii, whoever’s writing Dick Tracy, Jules, Beatty**…
**I’m as pleased as everyone else that Beatty has come through his operation safely and apparently with no complications. Still, wouldn’t it be nice if this gave him a ‘life’s too short’ moment and he went off to do something more fulfilling for him and his family and we got some new, hopefully less schlubby comic?
@CanuckDownSouth: Especially since this was a perfect opportunity for the deepest of deep cuts, ‘Pat’ (not Patton) who was in the original ‘Plainclothes Tracy’ run of test strips. Howie Noel seems to know Tracy’s history up, down and sideways, so if this idea didn’t occur to him (barring him not having any story input whatsoever) he really missed a trick.
@Ukulele Ike: She’s not bored with boinking – she’s bored with boinking the same person after a few days.
All of Brooke’s characters should be under psychiatric care, but Polly is possibly the most extreme case. Any psychiatrist who takes her on is looking at years of therapy. They’ll spend at least a year on the “Dear Little One, let me tell you again how hot your mother is and every detail of how we fuck” letters alone.
Purple Stripeypants: HEY!
KOOL-AIDGeneral Chuma!@Nekrotzar: Well… in (superhero I will not mention) The Joker does his taxes.
“Fighting ***man is one thing, but the IRS? I may be crazy but I’m not stupid.”
@The Rambling Otter: Testing: Bruce Wayne
Edit: Okay, my earlier comment was moderated, I didn’t use his superhero alias but instead said Bruce Wayne, I was thinking “If that’s blocked too… I really would start to question things.”
@Baja Gaijin:
The “sheesh” baboon makes its perfect return. I salute you, sirrah.
@Liam:
Seriously, Luann, this is where you pretend to have to go to the can. And get a Dr. Pepper. Nah, Dr. Pepper rules, you probably drink, like, Sierra Mist.
@Ukulele Ike:
Ships in bottles, bro.
(Has anybody made one since 1983?)
@Bob Tice: Long ago, I announced on CC that I was going to start keeping track of how many days it would be on JP before there was NOT at least one character with a Frowny Face (I did capitalize the phrase, as I recall). I did keep track, and mighty dull it turned out to be, so dull that I cannot remember exactly how long the Frowny Face stretch continued unbroken. But I’m pretty sure it was at least a couple of months. Or did it just seem that long? But it was definitely long.
Anyway, the Parker/Spencer/Driver Clan should absolutely win any kind of frowny face contest that the greater Cavelton region might hold. Seriously, these folks are champs. They were champs even before Alan took up drinking as an extremely frowny hobby.
FG: Tomorrow, just as we’re getting some good eye candy from Queen Witchy Wonder, her chief lap dog General Tahl (that’s Kiran for turd in the punchbowl) will show up and spoil the whole party, and Ming’s erection.
JP: I will confess that I am genuinely enjoying this family argument. Of course it is nowhere even near up there with THE LION IN WINTER or AUGUST: OSAGE COUNTY. But it’s better than JUDGE JUDY or any dialogue that ever happened at any time for any reason in LUANN.
Late Thread Cuisine: You’ve heard of bread bowls? These ain’t they.
@A Grave Mind: I know that trick! Build the ship model, then blow the bottle around it.
@Guillermo el chiclero: Nooooooooo! (I was worried Tahl would be the one who stepped out of the Kiran magical tendril manifestation, then remembered he wears normal clothes. Hope his jaw is still good and broken, and he’s no better at telling Bok from the other Dragonmen than anyone else.)
If we get a Friday Hooch Dance out of Azura, it’ll be a good week after all.
Luann: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Look who’s inflating her job history. “Weeniemaker”? Really? Luann just wipes table and trays. The peeps at UniWeenie, International know letting her near things that get hot will only end in property damage and lawsuits. So. Many. Lawsuits.
@Baja Gaijin: Cuisine – There’s nothing revolting about the individual parts of that, but it doesn’t work together at all. It’s bizarre. The garnish of onion ring slices are a nice touch – a timely nod to the Olympics, I guess.
I’d expect something like this from Betty Crocker or Weight Watchers (made with “imitation” cheese), but I expect better from Better Homes and Gardens.
@Baja Gaijin:
They aren’t bread bowls, they’re meat bowels.
Hi and Lois-“The lawyer’s not for you. It’s for Uncle Beetle.”
Dennis the Menace-“And the parts you didn’t want the world to see are seeing them. Nice tits by the way.”
@Dead Goon Bugs:
Somebody had to say it.
@Baja Gaijin:
I’m sorry, but…guys. Leave me with the tray and don’t look at me
@Ukulele Ike:
I enjoy that this dress’s lines seems even somewhat skankier than the last, which was thought impossible. You’re doing God’s work, Schkade.
MG&G:
Let me get this straight. Your entire income is the result of illegal activities. And you donate 100 percent of said income to “the poor” who are determined by you and are not affiliated with any legitimate charitable organization. And you want to write off the expense of your employees who you have no record of paying any sort of wages too. And that’s when I quit my job at H and R Block.
@89 Lord Flatulence: In a surprise crossover, The Mirror is unmasked to be…a grown-up Jeffy Melonhead.
@97 I speak Jive: Maybe something flaming will end up in a future mashup…
@128 Philip: Huh? The old woman who lived in Shoe. Where, in his cloaca?
@143 I speak Jive: That’s the truth. The recipe has no unusual ingredients for such a meal yet, look at it. Rather, don’t look at it. I’m not responsible for spontaneous peristaltic reversals for anyone who willing clicks that link.
@144 Dead Goon Bugs: SNERK!
@146 Liam: I’m glad someone said it.
@147 A Grave Mind: I can leave the tray with you but I can’t look away. Disbelief in what my eyes see, can’t overcome it.
@A Grave Mind: Technically not a dress — Azura is “clothed” by the Kiran black tendrils. Which create the peek-a-boo effect and at the same time save her a fortune at the dry cleaner.
Mary Worth-“Oh god am I going to have to hold a funeral for a parrot,” Mary thinks to herself.
Surprised MG&G didn’t make Robin look like Dick Gautier, I’d think “When Things Were Rotten” would be right up their alley, no offence meant to Mel Brooks.
MW: Tomorrow’s strip: A close up of Toby’s dead-serious face as she simply says “Yes.”
@A Grave Mind: Ships in bottles, bro.
(Has anybody made one since 1983?
____________________________________
Marvin did……Oh! “SHIP”!, never mind,Cheddar.
I am positive they have done that Robin Hood joke before. Even if they actually never have, I am nevertheless convinced they did.
The Familliar Mucus: Jeffy invents bread-less crust.
Beatup Bailey: Never before realized Rev.Stainglass was one foot taller than the church’s front door.
MW: Christ, she is STILL going on about this? He’s since changed his mind on the matter, so just enjoy your win already, lady.
LUANN: These characters are all exhausting.
GA: I’ve noticed that when Gertie first joined the cast she was drawn realistically to look like an actual person but now she’s just Baleen in blackface.
Judge Parker: The problem here is that the liquid in that coffee pot is definitely not coffee. If it were, the surface of the liquid would be horizontal as she tilts the container to pour it. Look at that angle – we’re dealing with a significantly higher viscosity here. Given the color, I’m thinking either maple syrup or molasses. Why would someone pour molasses from a coffee carafe into a coffee cup? I don’t know, but whatever comes next can’t be good.
@Classic David: 1 part molasses, 6 parts Navy rum makes for some nice sippin,’ a real taste of the Islands.
A squeeze of lime would be the perfect grace note, but Katherine and Alan aren’t the type to dilute their booze with a lot of goddam fruit.
Questionable Discontent:
The “sympathy” I am supposed to feel for “bullied” Emmett is considerably affected by the fact that from Jephthy’s own description in any sane society they would long since have been incarcerated in a juvenile delinquent correction facility.
@Classic David: Poured molasses can be lethal. Just ask the victims of Boston’s Great Molasses Flood of 1919.
(Yes, really. Killed 21 people)
Dennis – Dennis is criticizing the modern world’s addiction to smartphones? Menacing!
Next, Dennis introduces this woman to the real-world joys of skipping stones on the neighbor’s pool and annoying Mr. Wilson. She goes back to the smartphone.
@Anonymous:
#125, I could be wrong, but it seems to me Luann was at senior center talking to P or Mrs. H when Lu announced she had to leave for work as it was a very special day– she was being trained on making weenies. (Prior to this, all conceptions were immaculate).
Does Mary know that this innocent animal was for some unexplained reason destroying Ian’s possessions in approximate order of value to him, and the reconciliation has lasted because he for some unexplained reason stopped? Does Toby? Does the author? If I go back and check, will those strips still be there?
@Baja Gaijin: Bwahaha!
I suspect Luann may have done, incompetently, a few other kinds of extremely temporary work over the long years. But my memory refuses to be cudgeled, pointing out that just having to follow LUANN strips from one panel to the next is painful enough.
Does it make me a Plugger or a Coffee Achiever™ if I wonder how Josh could miss commenting on that nicely rendered coffee pot in Judge Parker Brothers?
@Ukulele Ike:
Better watch out if Inspector Cramer gets on the case!