He’d better have some opinions on who offers the country’s best yogurt to prove he’s not a phony
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Mary Worth, 6/3/26
Bad news, everyone: Tommy has managed to “seal the deal,” as they say in the sex-having community. He’s not like the other guys, as demonstrated by the fact that he refers to frozen yogurt as “fro-yo.” If he’d called it “frogurt,” he’d have a long, lonely night ahead of him.
Shoe, 6/3/26
Look, I complain a lot about how Shoe generally refuses to acknowledge that its characters are all birds, so I have to hand it to today’s strip: “Charles Squab” is a solid bird-themed pun. Unfortunately this scenario is out of date: the Perfesser, as the strip has repeatedly established and indeed makes clear today, does not have anywhere near the amount of assets that would justify in-person financial advice, and would have been pushed into checking his balances on squab.com, or squab.bird, or whatever the top-level domain in the Shoeniverse is.
Alice, 6/3/26
Why not look 70 at 70? Why not look however old Alice looks at whatever age Alice is? Have you ever given any thought to how old Alice looks, or is? I hadn’t, but now I can’t stop thinking about it, and whether those two numbers match up, and how you could even tell!
Gil Thorp, 6/3/26
COACH BABU: I can help Beth with the wedding.
GIL: Are you sure, Coach Babu?
COACH BABU: Only if I can plan the sangeet. Is there one?
GIL [nervously glances down at the convenient narration box explaining what a sangeet is, learns that it sounds fun and also inexpensive]: There is now!
56 replies to “He’d better have some opinions on who offers the country’s best yogurt to prove he’s not a phony”
Dustin: You’re a plugger if you’re massively obese yet somehow can’t shove a jelly-filled donut in your mouth without spilling the goo on yourself.
Beetle Bailey: Today’s strip would do much better were Killer to wear his cap with the wiggly knobs. They’d be jiggling up a storm in the final panel.
Bizarro: I love the wordplay.
MW: “Dawn…I’m not like most other guys!” Tommy then proves this by transforming into a werecat and eating her.
Judge Parker: At least the Judge is self-aware enough to realize he’s being “Barney Googled.”
Mark Trail: Cherry holds her fork about as naturally as Mary Worth holds her cell phone. Yes, that’s sarcasm you smell.
Rex Morgan: Ahh, the power of the punane draws The Mountain to Glenwood.
Six Chix: I thought yesterday was Depressing Chix day?
I’m 45. How many more years until both my eyes are visible in profile? I’m shopping for sunglasses, for…a friend. Yes, that will do.
Join me in my joy that I now know what a sangeet is, and I didn’t even need to find a docent to tell me! That was Rex Morgan? Screw you, I’m dropping a docent reference today!
Aw yeah. More information about sangeets can be found on the internet. We are so back.
Is Judge Parker looking at us, the reader, or Ces, the writer? Is he planning an escape to our world by becoming self-aware and smashing the fourth wall?
Ever wondered the true position of Guys in Guys V. Yogurt? Now we know, folks! I go now, to deck a Yoplait!
MW:
“Dawn, do you happen to know whether the famed cellist Fro-Yo Ma‘s parents happened to name him after that tasty treat?”
“Why have the colors and lighting shifted?!”
“Because all is despair, Cosmo! You know this. Now, who’s got a dead-eyed stare for me? Come on!”
MW:
“Dawn…I’m not like most other guys! For starters, I have an extensive criminal record and a history of use of controlled substances!”
Dawn and Tommy are already like an old married couple! Specifically the Bumsteads, who also hold conversations while their backs are to each other at ninety degree angles.
Between panels, The Perfesser’s finances have also washed away Mr Squab’s signboard down the drain.
Wary Morth:
Tommy’s right; other guys have more sense than to associate with Dusk, or for that matter anyone else from Charterstone.
Questionable Malcontent:
We finally find out why Lizard gets snake pupils: she’s not human, she’s a Deep One from Innsmouth, and when she’s drunk enough, as in panel one, her mask slips and her real batrachian features emerge.
Meanwhile, Moray is, of course, a shoggoth. Tekeli-li!
GT: “I know my specialty is an Arnold Palmer, but how hard is it to put wine in a bowl full of punch…”
“No, it’s not a sangria, Gil.”
MW – So…there’s a Yogurt shop at the summit of Mount Shasta….
Shoe – It’s like your fluid sexuality – you’re not getting any….
Alice – Big Bro isn’t gonna stand for that back talk to the tele-screen….
GT – So…a good ol’ ‘Merican chivaree or hootenanny isn’t good enough these days….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
MW “I’m not like other guys, Dawn, in that most guys don’t have my horrible gastrointestinal issues. If I skip my yogurt for even a day I can say goodbye to pooping for a week!”
Shoe I would have gone with “You’re pissing it away” but not bad.
MW: If Dawn thinks that most men aren’t into frozen yogurt, why would she invite Tommy out for frozen yogurt? I suspect her subconscious is a bespectacled female Wilbur, saying, “Wait a minute…this is starting to look like a potential HEALTHY relationship…abort, ABORT! SELF-SABOTAGE ROUTINE 12! HIT HIM WITH AN UNPROMPTED MARRIAGE PROPOSAL!”
Alice: “Wait, do people sometimes PREFER to look at people who look younger? How stupid. Why?”
MW: Were it not for yogurt, Tommy and the Westons would have no culture at all.
Today’s Mary Worth makes a lot more sense if you realize Tommy is taking a piss : why else would someone blurt out ” FroYo? That’s cool. I’m in!” unless they were surprised in a moment when they’ thought they were alone?
Ok, there is actually something in the chutzpah of seeing a hit tv show’s joke about how uncool frozen yogurt is and just going ‘fro-yo, that’s cool’.
GT: In the first panel, it looks like they’re playing beach volleyball. But the second and third panels helpfully clarify that they are indoors. Inside a room with walls apparently made of sand.
Shoe: And as the wide perspective helpfully reminds us, these trees have no plumbing. “Down the drain” means “fucking wherever.”
MW: Tommy is not like most other guys. He is smooth and cultured.
S4th: Credit where it’s due, this was actually a cute moment that managed to not be offputting.
DT: Yup, Mumbles is dead. Or at least he would be dead in the real world if a ‘non-lethal’ round went off right frikkin’ NEXT to him! His new name is ShrapnelFace.
RMMD: “And by ‘here’ I mean this stool. Bring on the food, Mae Mae, I’m gonna be here a while!”
MW: When someone pulls out the tired, “I am NOT like other guys!” (I’ll throw women in there, too) it’s usually:
a. A big fat lie
b. Referring to something WAY more interesting than yogurt, fro or no.
@oldgold: “MW: Tommy is not like most other guys. He is smooth and cultured.” And contains many bacteria which will contribute to the health of your digestive tract.
@MKay:
“b. Referring to something WAY more interesting than yogurt, fro or no.” He is both colder and firmer than you would expect.
MW: If they come across a disheveled Johnny Long crawling out of the woods, we can finally get some closure on the last story.
Zits: I was worried for a second that Jeremy had just had a spontaneous orgasm.
DtM: Henry has secretively been experimenting with wearing women’s clothing for a while. He’s actually got on some silk panties right now. He’s holding that blouse right at crotch level wondering if any of the salespersons know about his embarrassing fetish.
Beetle Bailey: Killer isn’t even being subtle about it anymore. He’s a sexual predator and he’s going to embrace it.
MW: Also, what world does Moy live in where most guys hate frozen yogurt? Maybe at its inception, when it really was just frozen yogurt, but these days fro-yo is near indistinguishable from ice cream.
JP: “It feels like, well…you’re being written out of your own story.” Is this Marciuliano’s subtle way of telling us that the strip is about to become about the adventures of Ann, Bogdan, and traumatic brain injuries?
Alice: Given the impossible perspective of Alice’s eyes, she seems to be an early work of cubism. That would date her back to 1910, making her 116 years old. You can’t tell she’s a day over 100, though. Clearly, she’s well curated.
Mary Worth: FroYo? Well, now we know what they make at Foofram Industries, where Hi Flagstone and Thirsty Thurston work!
I have given up hope the atrocious art in Gil Thorp will ever improve.
GT: I’ve been wondering what this wedding-planning storyline has to do with sports and whatnot but as he been gradually offloading all of the hard work and effort on to other people while he stands to reap the benefits and recognition, I can see that he’s simply figured out how to apply his “coaching” style to other aspects of his life.
JP: Save this meta stuff for Sally Forth. Just give us our crime-fightin’ judge, Ces, or, you know, anything nominally interesting nominally more interesting that this self-pity blather!
Phantom: So I guess those images of Extremely Jacked Python we saw a few weeks ago represented how Phantom thinks of his former foe, but today when we see him in person, he finds that he is more realistically a Very Fit Python.
SlyFox: Fine, no sand on Harry Ape’s feet, whatever, but does no one question the wisdom of Leena Lynx wearing a “diamond-studded bracelet” in the pool? How do we that it didn’t simply fall off in the water and get sucked into the pool filter—how do we know if she really had a “diamond-studded bracelet” in the first place? I mean, when did she make this so-called “report” when she hasn’t even gotten out of the pool yet! She’s just screaming racial epithets at some guy while Slylock happened to be in the vincinity!
Yesterday’s post title used “cultured,” today’s has “yogurt” — is Josh sending coded messages? Or has he cut a sweet new sponsorship deal, and soon all the site ads will be for fermented milk products?
Mary Worth: The logistics of this spontaneous date bear investigation. They are sweaty in SoCal heat, stuck on a mountaintop.
Did they bike? Walk? More sweaty activity. Did Dawn drive? How can Dawn afford a car in today’s economy, let alone Tommy?
Maybe they will give up the FroYo quest at the trailhead, Dawn will Klarna some DoorDash, and have a casual hookup in the ensuing 45 min. wait.
Shoe: Frustrated accountant looking at the receipts; “I can’t even read these chicken scratches!”
“What do you expect? We’re birds! Dirty, disgusting birds!”
Mary Worth: Hi, I’m not Cthulhu, but I play him on TV. Have you ever wanted to smother a comic strip character with a pillow because you can’t stand to see him this way? Well, good news! Today’s Mary Worth was written for you. Available now for just nine convenient payments of $13.97, this treasured feeling can be yours forever. Act now and we’ll add a commemorative pillowcase with the face of your favorite smotherable Mary Worth character in needlepoint, and also Dawn. (Some restrictions apply. Offer void where prohibited by law.)
Alice: Oh, I don’t know. It’s 7:35 a.m. and I feel like one of my eyeballs is hanging out in space, I kind of get it. (It’s hard to eat Shredded Mini-Wheats with a mouth like that.)
Shoe: Charles Squab is who you go to for financial advice when you make chicken feed for a salary. Literally.
“Hey, Coach Babu, did you see that . . . well, I guess pop-up box that just appeared? The one that explained a sangeet?”
“Uh, what are you talking about, Coach? Are you getting enough water?”
[ONLY YOU CAN SEE ME GIL]
“That box! Right there!”
“Sure. Hey, can we get the medic over here?”
[THE FIFTH SUN RISES, GIL. TAKE UP THE BLADE]
“OK, box. Epee or sabre?”
[MAYBE WE SCREWED UP ON THE CHOSEN ONE, GUYS.]
MW. Tommy storylines are always about battling addiction while Dawn’s are about bad choices in men brought on by being the daughter of Wilbur. Flash forward to three weeks from now, when both are sprawled on a couch in filthy sweatpants, twenty pound heavier, screaming about needing their yogurt fix.
MW;
“Oh, is that what you call it, Tommy? – I’ve always referred to it as ‘zen-gurt‘ !”
JP … and with that knowing look, April and Randy are dropped, Charlotte becomes a normal kid, and Sophie comes by the next day – ‘Norway? why would you think I was off in Norway?’ – as they kick off a courtroom storyline. (Hey, we can dream.)
RMMD Oh, I’m not just relocating to town, I’m spending so much time in the restaurant that I think I’m growing literal roots here. Seriously, I can’t seem to get up, I’m stuck. Happened around my third refill, what *do* you put in your coffee here?
Shoe:
“I lost money dabbling in derivatives, but that’s water under the bridge.”
Huh. Men, I’m sorry that society is pressuring you into not being able to enjoy a delicious yogurt. Perhaps it’s time to start selling it in tactical packaging with manly flavours like beer and beef.
***
Alice gives off strong Phyllis Diller vibes, which would make her (checks Wikipedia) 109 next month. Good for her.
***
I will forgive all of Gil Thorp‘s sins from the past decade or two if the strip devotes an entire week to just doing a full Bollywood number.
@Asenath: All excellent points, but I’m confident the strip will ignore the logistics. Tomorrow they’ll be sitting in the Fro-Yo shop, probably at the kind of small table that hasn’t been seen since Normal Rockwell died, holding their spoons unnaturally and sharing platitudes. Such is young romance in the Worthiverse.
“But I thought my assets were all in guano, which is, you know, sort of solid, sort of liquid? I’ve been hoarding it in my house, waiting for the day an American schooner would come along and claim it!”
“Damn it, I told you the Americans haven’t made a claim under the Guano Islands Act since 1997, and even that was overturned. Why didn’t you invest in crypto like I recommended?”
“Well, there’s shit, and then there’s shit.”
Gil is a bit stuffy and conservative, but he is very open-minded. You propose him a non-European ceremony he doesn’t have to put any effort in? I’ll approve it!
I could joke that 70 and 30 refers to temperatures, but I absolutely refuse to learn Fahrenheit
GT I don’t know what’s more off-putting: something about the first panel makes it sound like Gil has been spouting off about wedding drama and expecting people to step in and help because he’s The Important One (dude, how about *you* help with the wedding planning?) or how Babu acts like everyone should know what a sangeet is (fun or not, the fact there isn’t an English word for it should tell you the likely familiarity to expect, does she enjoy getting people to guess whether they’re agreeing to an easily-added bit of festivities or something expensive and onerous??)
FC-Let’s hope it was better than Mommy’s production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
MW-I figured Dawn would be into chocolate soft serve.
MW-No completion of that thought from yesterday?
Shoe! — Really, you can’t work “nest egg” into a financial planning consultation involving birds?
@CanuckDownSouth:
Alan Parker suddenly bolts straight-up in his bed covered in cold sweat! He looks at the glowing iridium dial of his Little Ben clock. 2:10 a.m. A feckless moron son, a daughter in prison, himself in prison, a feckless moron nepo-baby failson, CIA assassins, whatever that mess of a family Sam had, bizarre pop culture references he didn’t and does want to get! What a nightmare—except for Bodgan—what a weirdly endearing figment of imagination! Well, there’s no going to back to sleep now! He grabs a pack of Pall Malls from the bedstand and lights up. He makes his way to his desk a pour a snifter of brandy. He looks at the calendar. June 4, 1956. Come sunrise he’s going to solve some crimes, even though that’s not in any way a judge’s job. All is right with the world.
GT: “I really appreciate it. That’s sweet Babu.”
“I am not your sweet babu!”
Alice: I know this one! It’s because seventy ate-y ninety!