Ongoing drama
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Bizarro, 7/28/26
Well, I’m excited to see that Bizarro’s Crash Test Dummies Stories weren’t just for Uncle Lumpy; now we’re fully into week two and things are getting dark. What do you mean you’re comparing your beloved to a brick wall, the very thing you and she are hurled painfully against over and over again day after day, and what do you mean she’s purring in delight at the comparison? Can’t believe they put this in the newspaper where anyone could see it, if anyone read the newspaper.
Gil Thorp, 7/28/26
Speaking of things that are still happening, the wedding of Gil Thorp is still happening in Gil Thorp, and today we learn that Marty Moon has finished his transformation from boring-ass high school sports radio reporter to multi-hyphenate content creator and influencer by becoming a DJ. Sorry if the first dance at your wedding is ruined by the DJ shouting “I’m [reggaeton airhorn] DJ MOON” every 15 seconds, but Marty has a #brand to maintain and/or establish.
Hi and Lois, 7/28/26
I really enjoy the drawing of Lois in panel one here, an asymmetrical close-up that lets you see how her face is assembled out of a series of curves. I also like how unsettled she looks in panel two. Does the suffering of some people bring profit to others? Is that truly the world we’re living in?
Archie, 7/28/26
A fun thing you realize reading Archie comics as an adult is that, despite the fact that their target audience is teenagers, a lot of them are actually about how teenagers are annoying and kind of stupid.
182 replies to “Ongoing drama”
Bizarro:
“I’m no dummy! — you’re just trying to ply me with blandishments!”
Zits: Today’s strip is tomorrow’s Pluggers: “All snack foods are single serving if you try hard enough.”
Gil Thorp: This wedding’s timeline is screwing me up: the bride and groom took off for the honeymoon in an ancient airplane a few strips ago, now they’re doing their first dance. Did someone drop the storyline on the floor and forget to sort them chronologically after picking them up?
@Baja Gaijin: Gil Thorp: I think they load the strips into a cartoonishly oversized blunderbuss and whatever order they hit the wall is the order they run.
Gil Thorp:
“Let’s start our set with a feelgood number, chosen by the happy couple themselves, which describes Gil’s personality to a ‘T’ — Nine Inch Nails’ ‘Head Like a Hole’ !”
JP: HEY, that’s OUR line!
JP2: ‘I’m passing on your pitch. Now if you’ll excuse me my brother Schmelon Schmusk has got something cooking over in ‘The Phantom’ and I wanna get in on the ground floor for the screen rights!’
Ph: I notice someone in the undistinguished background mass still has a spear. They could end this farce right now… just sayin’.
RMMD: So how’d the Dumblement Twins score that big honkin’ SUV they’re spying from? Did they scam it out of Summer after she got it from the stalker who wasn’t actually a stalker and then killed the actual stalker?
Hi and Lois:
Mr. Franchisee looks like a body double for Hi, only with alopecia.
H&L: They’re real hoarders. In fact, they haven’t been able to get to their bathroom in years so don’t go in the yard.
When Big Moose is giving you a “Man, is this guy stupid!” look, you know you’ve sunk pretty low.
Gil Thorp:
“Let’s someone hand the happy groom a pair of scissors so he can cut a rug!”
@2 Comically Challenged: That tracks.
JP Nobody get upset at the colourist – the polka dots added to Ann’s blue dress today are purposefully emphasizing her quick-change trick between yesterday’s wrap-top and today’s scoop-neck style.
MT And now we see that Mark and his dad somehow missed the bunkers and tiny cages dotting the gorilla ‘sanctuary’. Maybe Gail can escape to Phantom and give the Wambesi some prison-building advice?
Archie: Having found the keys, they turn around and push the car all the way back to the beach. I hope someone thinks t shift it into Neutral this time.
Archie : …Since when is Archie’s car a normal-looking convertible rather than a Ford Model-T-looking shitmobile?
…I’m actually asking seriously here, when did the “haha, Archie is driving an obsolete shitmobile from the late 19th century” sight gag stop being used? Because I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t like, the mid-1970s AT EARLIEST.
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Bizarro : TWO WEEKS of crash test dummy jokes? Is there any reason for it, or…?
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Snuffy Smith : why would anyone assume the lemonade was “frozen”? I don’t think it’s possible for Snuffy Smith’s hovel to have a working freezer, ice box or even cold room (cold hole-the-ground-that-serves-as-a-cellar?), at least not in the summer (in the winter, he probably doesn’t have a single spot in his home that’s not frozen).
…Heck, this joke would have worked better as a “Was this lemonade frozen or squeezed?” “Squeezed! I squeezed all the powder from the pack MYSELF”.
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Crankshaft : I wonder if this is Batiuk talking about something that did happen to him, like he was approached by someone offering to make a Funkyshaft-inspired video game, but refused them once he realised it was based on the perception of the strip from the people who make fun of it online (“this game is about being morose, getting cancer, and MONETISING your having cancer so you can steal other people’s awards!”).
The rest of the week should tell us.
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Hi & Lois : “These people are”? What’s with the demonstrative pronoun indicating closeness, and the present tense? Is Lois selling a home that’s currently inhabited, by people that are there on the premises with her while she gives the tour? ’cause if she IS, this strip would be better if the people in question WEREN’T selling their HOME, and got really agressive about it at Lois and her customers about it
(like, beating them up level agressive).************
Luann :
a) If the parts of Luann’s camp adventure we didn’t get to see (because remember, the parts we DID get to see, she immediately wrote letters to Phil about) were so exciting, why did we completely cut away from it? I mean, Bernice fuming about how much she hated her friends for having something to do this summer while she didn’t was good and all
as concrete evidence that she really IS a bad person, but if there was actually something interesting happening to Luann at camp…b) I could have sworn Luann’s luggage going TO camp was smaller than what she brought back. Either the Evansii got told that Luann’s “packing light” at the start of the storyline was packing too light for a DAY CAMP; or the implication is that Luann mistakenly
stoletook things from her campers.So, Archie left the top down on his convertible and he. . . unlocked the door with his key? Or locked it (with his key) when they arrived, so anxious to get out for some fun in the sun before the shrooms wore off?
Archie – why did they even use the keys for the convertible? The accusation of teenage dumbness is really amped up here.
@15 Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women: Archie was hopped up on goofballs.
@Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women: Sorry – I apparently had the same thought and was writing just as you posted.
@Anonymous: On Luann – We cut away because that’s when the rain started, and with the Camp Mystic tragedy back in the news recently, no one’s taking any chances.
Bizarro: Nonsensical compliment aside, I’m really curious about those coffee cups. Where does the coffee…go?
GT: I really appreciate that second panel which seems to be taken from the perspective of someone who’s in the process of passing out from too much booze and/or mescalin.
H&L: Guys, you realize that if you buy the place, you can’t charge to have the junk removed. I mean, maybe you could, but I think that would be revenue neutral? Maybe I just don’t understand business accounting.
Archie: I like how everyone’s expression is shock except for Moose, who is incandescent with rage. He is going to kick the shit out of his three teenaged friends, and maybe Mr Andrews to boot. He’s a legit psychopath!
You’d have thought Moose would’ve been ecstatic at the idea of pushing the car, but he, not Reggie or Jughead who have far better reason, is obviously going to be the one who’ll put Archie in hospital in Panel Four.
BIZARRO: If I were a sci-fi author, I’d be all over Planet of the Crash Test Dummies.
GT: Gil’s circle is suffocatingly small. Couldn’t he have a REAL DJ or wedding officiator?
MW: Taking a week plus to reach a conclusion is usually annoying, but in the case of Wilbur, it’s actually believable that he thinks at the rate of one complete idea per day.
@Anonymous: Re: Bizarro: Wayno just rediscovered the band that sang “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm.”
@Bob Tice: Hey, there are only so many ways to draw a face, and only so many hours in the day, said the cartoonist as he mixed another gin and tonic.
Gil Thorp: Wait till we find out DJ Moon’s #brand isn’t a play on his last name, at least not directly. Assless chaps, is what I’m talking about.
Didn’t Marty Moon have a vaguely antagonistic relationship with Gil Thorp for most of the time Josh was reading the strip, or at least wasn’t afraid to call him out on his talk radio show? Now he’s DJing his wedding? I mean, this might be related to his extended/repeated fall(s) from grace over the years, but still.
@Anonymous: re: Archie, Wikipedia gives 1983 as having a story with the 1916 jalopy destroyed and then later replaced with a 1960s unreliable Mustang
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Archie_Andrews
Don Abundio, translated:
“You know the tradition that a captain must go down with his ship?”
“What about it?”
“The Admiral takes that very seriously…”
“And I suspect he knows something about this boat that he hasn’t told us”
Hi and Lois: “Junk luggers franchise” is both maddeningly vague and yet tantalizing. It’s about to send me down a rabbit hole of speculation and Wikipedia links about business plans…[Flips strip over] Ah, found your problem right here: “Property of Herb and Jamaal.”
Six Chix – “And your soda is drooling on the couch.”
Archie: Ha, it’s funny because they all died of heat exhaustion and smoke inhalation from Canadian wildfires!
Gil Twerp: So Gil hired Marty to DJ his honeymoon complete with bedside play by play?
“GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!”- DJ Marty Moon.
@Baja Gaijin: I think Gil and Mrs. Gil were going on a short celebratory flight with their “JUST MARRIED” banner (probably flying over the Coach of the Year ceremony a few times to rub Emily’s face in it) before moving on to the reception. Gil said something to Kaz about not cutting the cake before he arrived, apparently having forgotten that’s traditionally the new couple’s job anyway.
Hi and Lois – “I should warn you, these people are real hoarders. They’re not going to be impressed by fake hoarder wannabes like you guys. ‘Oh look at us, the back seat of our car has so much stuff in it there’s no room for passengers.’ Come on! Real hoarders have the whole car filled up to the roof except for a tiny space just big enough for the driver.”
Missing the fact that the keys are still attached to the car? It can happen, embarrassing but understandable. Pushing a car for several kms instead of calling a tow truck? How do you even breath?!?!
@Baja Gaijin, GT: You’re not the only one. The only thing to help is if Gil went back in time and reconciled with Clambake and Pops in person.
GT: Okay, everyone, let’s hear it: what song did they select for their first dance? Since Gil’s life revolves around sports and Beth’s (and everyone else’s) life revolves around Gil, I’m guessing something along the lines of “Get Ready for This” or “Whoomp! (There It Is).”
Archie: I was going to say that Reggie is a better friend than I’d assumed – he’s a rich kid, and instead of pushing the car, he could have called a Lyft and abandoned his friends – but then I looked at the group assembled here. Archie, Jughead, Reggie, and Moose?
This isn’t a group of friends! I don’t know what they were up to – please let it be a heist! – but “lost my keys at the beach” is an obvious fake alibi for their many crimes.
Bizzaro- The perfect couple, not only do they share bodily fluids, they share bodily parts.
The other boys, overexerted & dehydrated, beat Archie to a pulp right there on the street. Archie’s dad stands back and watches. “boy ain’t right” he thinks to himself.
Bizzaro – I must scream but I have no mouth….
GT – Grand Master Crap…
H&L – We’re from a shit hole country….
Archie – Fortunately, the gang’s crumpled Doritos (TM) bags and empty Big Gulp (TM) cups were safely secured in Archie’s locked convertible….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
@Baja Gaijin:
YES, it is like that ancient revered game, Three Panel Nancy. Photocopy classic Bushmiller Nancy Strips and cut them into panels. Randomly deal three panels to each player who then attempts to make a coherent story.
GT: Gil is flying to different exotic venues to recreate his wedding. Today he does Marty a solid by showing up at his DJ gig at (checks artwork) the island of Dr Moreau.
Crash test dummies based on female bodies have only been approved recently by the US government so this poor woman only has a concept of the hell that awaits her. Let’s see how lovey dovey she gets as she’s flying through a window into a real brick wall. Anyway, to the surprise of nobody you can find me on Bluesky.
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“Junk luggers” is the slang for twin siblings in a committed relationship with each other, apparently.
C’shaft: Please, Crankshaft was what, in his 70s when Pong came out?
DT: “Or it tells me that the companies give him early access to their products in return for promoting them publicly, like countless other influencers.”
Dustin: “Okay, Dad, you want to do this? Then tell me, what did you accomplish today? Swiping the last bear claw in the break room donut box? Hiding your fifth burger run of the day from Mom? Maybe sitting down with a client long enough so you can dismiss him as a criminal and a loser who doesn’t deserve assistance, even though helping him is literally your entire job?”
JP: Nice to see the extras from Annie are still finding work.
MW: Looks like Tommy figured out the best thing he can do for his continued sobriety is stay far, far away from the Westons.
RMMD: Honey, you’re in Rex Morgan. Nothing ever happens on this street, in this town, in this universe.
@pugfuggly: We’re on the same wavelength. I want to know why they have to-go cups, when they’re staying at the coffee shop!
Marty Moon’s too busy being Lou Bega to notice that the bride and groom just passed out mid-dance.
Gil Thorp-“I’m Marty Moon here at the honeymoon suit.”
RMMD-“Somebody’s coming out.” Well it’s about time Rex is finally doing something that we’ve been saying for years.
MW-Dawn, it’s been five minutes since you sent the text.
FC-“We want bottle water. If you want us to drink from the tap then we might as well drink from the toilet.”
Sex Organ,V.D.: “REX!!!! THERE’S A SUSPICIOUS CAR OUTSIDE!” “Which one,June?” “THAT ONE MARKED SCAMS ‘ R ‘ US!”
BIZARRO: “…because I’m gonna slam inta ya later tonight, if you know what I mean?” (“How romantic!”)
@Liam: Gil Thorp-“I’m Marty Moon here at the honeymoon suit.”
__________________________________________
“…….and…..its in the hole!”
As Marty . . . excuse me, DJ Moon . . . began to play Gil’s song, the ghost of past music apparated into the room. A waltz that a graduating class danced to before most of them were sent to the Western Front to die. The Lindy Hop, played the night before the market collapse heralding the Great Depression. A conga, a line formed of more young men who would be sent into the next war and the lovers they left behind. A sock hop of frenzied dancing in the shadow of nuclear Armageddon. Early Hendrix for young men again about to be sent out to die in a jungle. Some Michael Jackson. The music wavered in the throbbing air, vaporous notes and staffs, before fading in fear from the greatest tragedy it had seen yet – the marriage of Gil Thorp.
@pugfuggly: I think the idea is that the homebuyer will be able to profit by either A. Offering his services to the seller or B. Getting a discount on the home for the time and trouble of removing the junk, and then removing it himself for a nominal cost.
DON’T BE A DUMMY! FASTEN YOUR JOCK STRAP!
.
This has been a public message from the Advertising Council ©2026 Vince and Larry Inc.
Gil Thorp:
“Honey! I’m leaning too far! Who angled this stupid panel?”
(WHUMP!!!)
“Oh no, I crushed my wife… that means… I’m single again!”
@Baja Gaijin: Goofballs!
H&L: “Does the suffering of some people bring profit to others? Is that truly the world we’re living in?”
For anyone in law enforcement, the medical profession, and charity/NGO work, the answer is yes.
@TheDiva: By my reckoning, Ed Crankshaft was born no later than 1919. The arcade machine Pong came out in 1972, though it became far more popular with home versions (and millions of clones) in 1975. That would make Ed about 56-60 at the game’s height.
I’m more annoyed that Batiuk has found a way to cram yet another content creation story, and two more content creators, into this world. Will Ed Crankshaft somehow win a Game Award to go with his CFL game ball?
I’ve been sitting here for the past 5 minutes trying to understand today’s Bizarro and it’s just not clicking. I get the connection between crash test dummies and brick walls, but how is it a compliment? Is there a joke here? Am I not awake enough to get it?
ARCHIE: Jughead: “Ugh, see! this is why I don’t like displaying effort!
@CanuckDownSouth: There was a story, where Archie tells Reggie that his old Jalopy wasn’t insured.
Reggie insists Archie go to insure it. Just to see Archie get laughed out of the building.
Archie says he doesn’t have the money for it, but apparently Archie’s shit-mobile is such an antique, that the employee is so in awe of it, that he insured it for free.
Low and Hi-Less : The competition for local radio commercial time between 1800 GOTJUNK and 1800 KARS FOR KIDS goes on.
How in the world is today’s Archie actually LESS funny, than that one Family Circus cartoon.
Thel (while driving): Why is that silly man honking his horn?
(Shows she left her purse on top of the car, while its still in motion)
The Familliar Mucus: “Honestly! How do you kids expect to.have your fat rendered properly if you keep running in here every time it starts to melt?!?”
@TheDiva: Given panel #1, I suspect “DJ Moon” is going to be dropping his own phat rhymes on this mutha.
@TheDiva: Based on the way Marty is dressing (did bro do a costume change or something? He was in his Tony Orlando cosplay when the guests were arriving), I figure the phrase “Annie are you ok? Are you ok, Annie?” is going to be used a lot.
Archie: Question. If four teenagers are capable of pushing a car home, from however far the beach is.
Why couldn’t they just walk to the beach in the first place?
Or in a desperate scenario.
“Hey Veronica, can you please call someone to tow my car home and have your Chauffeur give, me, Reggie, Jughead and Moose a ride back to my house? I’ll owe you a date.”
@Ettorre: Missing the fact that the keys are still attached to the car? It can happen, embarrassing but understandable. Pushing a car for several kms instead of calling a tow truck? How do you even breath?!?!
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Watching Moose beat the tic-tac-toe board out of Archie’s hair?: Priceless
©2026 MasterCard (Official credit card of The Comics Curmudgeon)
@GarrisonSkunk:
“Rex there’s a suspicious car outside!”
Buck is shown thrown out of a red car. With Archie, Jughead and Reggie glaring.
Moose: Duuuh…. stay out of Riverdale!
Archie: Now to the beach where nothing can go wrong!
What A Frazzhole! : Oh, the problems of those too smug for TV!
@TheDiva: Seven Nation Army….followed by “CHAAAARGE!”
@UncleJeff:
And then the man in the back said “EVERYBODY ATTACK” and it turned into a ballroom blitz.
GT: She’s pulling him down? He’s pushing her? I’m no Fred Astaire, but that’s not how you dip your partner–it’s how you break bones.
A&J: The pitch pipe is a nice touch. And this arc is a lesson in how to draw a woman attractively in a newspaper-friendly manner.
Crankshaft: Is there an underserved market for mowing video games I’m not aware of?
Gasoline Alley: Ava has absolutely zero competition for fridge space.
BG&SS: Jughaid is serving actual frozen concentrate lemonade instead of some powdered crap? That’s way too much quality! He’s operating on 1950s principles and the stand will be enshittified by General Foods before he knows what’s happened.
FC: By comparison, look who’s too good to hydrate from the hose, or even the tap! Does tomorrow’s strip introduce the kids to Monster energy drink?
H&L: So the current owners will leave their 2000 sq ft of crap here and the buyers will remove it? For free? I’m not used to H&L comics making sense but this is a head-scratcher by their standard.
DtM: “Cool! Why don’t you practice on Mr. Wilson for awhile?”
@ValdVin: re H&L — that’s kinda a deal these days. When I closed out my parents’ property, I sold it as-is so I didn’t have to take care of 30 years of hording and ancient furniture.
Archie: The fact that Archie left the keys in the door lock of a convertible with the top down is the cherry of dumbassery on top of this cake of stupidity.
GT-:It’s actually nice of Marty to identify himself in panel one. With the current artwork on display, it might be nice if all the characters identify themselves on their first appearance in that days strip.
@Paul1963: reminds me of a Married With Children episode. Al, Bud, and Jefferson are pushing the Dodge with Kelly steering. They get to the house and Al says “Ok, Kelly, put it in “park””. Kelly says “Been there the whole time, Daddy.” Jefferson has to restrain Bud from killing his sister.
@ValdVin:
Crankshaft: Is there an underserved market for mowing video games I’m not aware of?
Grand Theft Auto clone where you drive a schoolbus… or a reverse Crazy Taxi, where you have to wait out the clock to be too late to your destination each time.
@ValdVin: I remember an obscure Commodore 64 game called Hovver Bovver (or maybe Hower Bower). You had to mow the grass and not run over the flowers. If you did, the neighbor would pursue you, and you could sic your dog on them. It was very creative as Pac-Man clones go, and is one of the funniest games I’ve ever played.
@45 TheDiva: on Rex Morgan: How could you forget the exciting “boys taking all the eggs out of the refrigerator” thrilling storyline?
Biz: Forget the brick wall stuff. I want to see how two dummies without mouths are going to consume that (presumably expensive) coffee.
GT: This comic strip really makes you feel like you’re there. Specifically, panel two is the perspective of someone who just had the drink that was “one too many.”
H&L: You know, it was shocking at first when Hi divorced Lois, shaved his head, and started a new life with his second wife. But I’m glad Lois has come to peace with it and is even helping her ex-husband find a new home.
Archie: I kinda thought that Jughead’s whole thing was being laid-back and detached, taking everything in stride. But, no, he is capable of becoming so shocked and angry that his whoopee cap literally flies off his head.
BIZARRO: Well, if I ever find Miss Right, I’ll try this one out, and tell her “I feel like I’m talking to the Grim Reaper”. Yeah, that’ll make her swoon.
GT: I don’t read the strip often, so maybe I’m wrong, but it seems as if Coach Thorp and DJ Moon have buried the hatchet. I can remember an October 2000 story arc where the two were in a back alley scuffling over a VHS cassette, and Coach Thorp wished his opponent a happy Halloween while planting his fist upside Moon’s face. Good times.
H&L: Lois must be selling off Fred Sanford and Son’s old place.
ARCHIE: The blond guy looks ready to start punching faces. Good thing he’s tired out from pushing that car 8 miles.
DtM: How many couches can you lift the cushion up, and there not be any visible coins, popcorn kernels, peanuts, etc. underneath?
Bizarro: Bizarro is trying to transition from a “random gag a day” strip to some kind of fantasy novel set in a world of living crash-test dummies. Before long, these single panels will be accompanied by long blocks of text describing the creation myth of the setting or the coming war that requires the male dummy to leave the Crash-Shire on a great quest.
Gil Thorp: I’ve already mentioned it a bit in prior days, but is it creeping anyone else out how this whole storyline is just bouncing back and forth between Gil having the greatest time of his life with his replacement bride and Mimi suffering in lonely despair as, I guess, punishment for not respecting the Great King Thorp?
Hi And Lois: “Oh no, these people want to buy the thing I’m selling! That shocks and upsets me for some reason!”
Archie: Okay, I gotta admit, this a good joke, at least in concept. But it needs a longer format to really shine, be the punchline at the end of a long zanny epic about the guys trying to get the car from the beach to home, preferably while suffering cartoonishly.
According to my background of Archie canon, Big Moose is going to treat Archie to a stompin,’ Reggie will join in on general principle, and Jughead will go inside and scoop up the whole fried chicken and the bone-in ham from the Andrews’ refrigerator.
JP: After tossing a couple of raw fish into Neddy and Ronnie’s expectant, pleading faces, the dyke producer will compliment Ann on her new patterned dress. Ann admits that, in her nervousness, she threw up all over the front of the outfit she was wearing yesterday.
JP: They ought to do a series on Ann’s magical dress. Compare today and yesterday’s strips.
LUANN: Maybe ask Phil how HE is? Just a two-week camo, eh. Hope her job with weenies has been waiting for her.
Staffing Cuts (literally): in PHANTOM, two great guards get pierced by a drone, in FG toned Hawkmen get de-winged. Who needs AI to eliminate jobs!
GA: a) we’ve been led to believe young Ava is bright, yet either she doesn’t know what “self” means or she is the least egoistic person on planet. b) we’ve been told her parents give her good advice as well as enrolling her in extracurricular activities, surely they’ve posted her doodles on the fridge
Archie. After nearly 80 years of Archie believing that Betty is somehow a downgrade from Veronica, it took today’s strip to drive home that he’s annoying and kind of stupid?
My mother had a ’66 Mustang. She decided to sell it for a “practical car.” I think she got $300 for it.
5 years later was she mad at herself. By then she could’ve sold the hubcaps for that!
I did keep the removable wastebasket. Drowned Gypsy moth caterpillars from the early 70s infestation in it.
That bucket’s prly worth $300 by now.
Gil Thorp would choose a magical, deeply romantic song for the bridal dance. My bet is “Muskrat Love” by the Captain & Tennille.
DT: ”Certainly, Detective Tracy. Um, you know I get paid for doing this stuff, right?”
As a former teenage boy myself, it was probably less “oh no, we can’t find the obviously located car keys” and more “wouldn’t it be hilarious if we pushed this car all the way back from the beach,” followed by “I know we’re already exhausted and it’s only halfway but we must commit to the bit.”
@The Rambling Otter: Your remark about the beach presumably being near enough Archie’s house to walk too and it still be daytime is making me wonder where the hell Riverdale is supposed to be, similar to my earlier ponderings on the location of Bangalla. Thus, I’ve gone down yet another wiki walk and discovered the bizarre fact that the very first Archie stories identified this Riverdale as actually being the REAL Riverdale, an actual neighborhood in the Bronx of New York City!
Needless to say, as the series developed, this began to make no sense whatsoever due to a whole variety of factors, including the writers basing their “New York” setting off their own youths in the Midwest and a tendency to give Riverdale whatever features suited the current story regardless of past continuity. Eventually a fan wrote in to the comic asking what state Riverdale is in and got this rather zen answer:
“Riverdale is more of a state of mind than an actual physical location. It could be anywhere that kind people live and just have fun, like Archie and his friends. It could be in the Midwest, or along the Eastern Seaboard, or even a town in Canada, Mexico, or England.”
Me personally, I’ll take that answer as meaning Archie is, in fact, trapped within the Matrix, waiting for the day Laurence Fishburne arrives to offer him some pills that’ll awaken him to the machine-ruled horror he truly lives in.
@Voshkod: And that’s when the vampires attack, right?
@Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol: #73: When my sister and I had to ready our deceased parents house for sale, other than a few antique pieces of furniture, we donated the rest to a homeless shelter. Other stuff we gave to their neighbors and friends, like a Sears chest freezer still half full of frozen meat.
@Ukulele Ike, GT: “Afternoon Delight”.
@Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol: M:WC did a similar gag — possibly even the same episode — where the Dodge was breaking down daily, and Al kept pushing it back from work. Bud asks “Why don’t you just walk to work?” and Kelly cuts in, “Don’t be silly, it’s too far to go without a car.”
@Liam:
#48. Your GT comment deserves at least a ride on the float. I’m still giggling.
The writer of Bizarro seems to go into a “phase” at times.
Just look at all of the many “Where’s Waldo” comics he drew in the past.
@Austria:
#59. BIZARRO: Read comments. No one gets it
Hi and Lois panel 2: I’m just glad to see that Henry is still finding work.
@Ken: Wow, these are better jokes than I ever noticed in Married: With Children.
@Voshkod: It’s like in Sinners with the music in the speakeasy summoning images of musicians from throughout time. Sadly, Gil Thorp’s version will probably be missing the part where vampires attack and eat everyone.
@Morgan Wick: Anyone who dares to challenge Gil in his position as dictator of Milford is either financially and emotionally ruined or forced to submit into being his “friend” (i.e., servant).
@Anonymous: Honestly, if your proposal for Crankshaft’s current story is right, I’d be surprised. Not at the story itself, but at the fact that Batiuk will have taken this long to write a plotline that’s just him angrily attacking his critics.
@CanuckDownSouth: The fact that Anonymous guessed the comic was so out of touch that it took until the 1970s to update Archie’s car, only for it to turn out that it actually took until the 80s and the new car was STILL woefully out-of-date is pretty hilarious.
You are disconcerted that Moose is about to Hulk Smash everyone. I am disconcerted that Jughead’s hat was able to detach from him. We are not the same.
Dirk Twacy Hollistic Defective: “Detective,let me also give you a card for my escort service sideline Babbage’s House Of Boobage. Standard 69% discount for police officers with valid I.D.”
@Sonneta: Bizarro: Wayno just rediscovered the band that sang “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm.”
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Monty Python’s Lonely Knights Club Band
@Activist: Re: Luann: This is something that I also notice during the Camp First Grader storyline: Luann is incredibly self-centered. I know the sycophantic seven year-olds that make upon the TruFans usually see Luann as a “nice considerate girl”, but she is very self-absorbed. But I guess many elementary school-aged children are since they don’t have that much responsibility and are still at the age where the adults are expected to do everything or them and…(intern whispers in my ear)…what?!? She’s how old?
@ectojazzmage: Oh Silly. Riverdale is located right next to Springfield, where Bart Simpson lives.
@Austria: I’ve been sitting here for the past 5 minutes trying to understand today’s Bizarro and it’s just not clicking. I get the connection between crash test dummies and brick walls, but how is it a compliment? Is there a joke here? Am I not awake enough to get it?
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Its the crash dummy version of “She’s built like a brick S***house.”
Dick Tracy Clerihew Time
Charles Babbage
Relished boiled cabbage.
Invented the mechanical computer;
Considered his gender neuter.
GIL THORP: I’m sorry, but this is looking more and more like Milford High decided to perform Tony and Tina’s Wedding for the drama class this year.
@2+2=7: @ectojazzmage: Oh Silly. Riverdale is located right next to Springfield, where Bart Simpson lives
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The monorail certainly put them on the map! (R.I.P. Phil Hartman).
Archie: We’ve seen Archie and his pals at the beach before, which I always assumed was an excuse to publish drawings of bikini-clad Betty and Veronica (they’re all probably 18 by now, right?). But could the mythical Northeastern suburb of Riverdale, which is literally named for a river, now be in easy car-pushing distance from the ocean? (Sticking Big Moose at the back probably got them an extra mile or so, but it still can’t be very far.) I guess the writers have finally caught up to that “surfing” fad that teenagers are into these days, what with their “Surfin’ Safari” music and Gidgets and Moondoggies and the like. Next they’ll discover beatniks and hippies and disco and grunge music and social media — and by the time the gang all turns into AI-based influencers, the strip will have caught up on teen culture and can go back to jokes about how Jughead likes hamburgers.
Gil Thorp: Marty Moon must have gotten access to the good DJ drugs, since his laptop seems to be floating in front of him. But that doesn’t explain why he used crescent moons in his logo — “DJ MCCN” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
Archie: In the video for “White & Nerdy”, Key & Peele are riding in a convertible with its top down through a suburban cul-de-sac.
Weird Al is moving his lawn and comes over to the car to say ‘hello’.
The two “gangstas” panic and hit the locks on their doors so Weird Al can’t get in their open car.
DT is giving us a week of computer nerds and their fancy chairs.
A&J is giving us a week of Janis cosplay as a sexy mermaid, complete with side boob.
Jimmy Johnson knows us and loves us.
@Comically Challenged: @Baja Gaijin: Gil Thorp: I think they load the strips into a cartoonishly oversized blunderbuss and whatever order they hit the wall is the order they run.
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“Hey! The Lockhorns had Gil Thorpe nuetered! Now THAT’S funny!”- Joel Robinson (adapted)
@BigTed: But that doesn’t explain why he used crescent moons in his logo — “DJ MCCN” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
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Marty’s sure to hear from Heathcliff’s cat lawyers, crescent moons are his jam.
@UncleJeff: Arlo and Janis has a 2000 copyright date. Wasn’t Janis still wearing her long hairstyle back then? (I’ll admit it took a couple of days for me to notice the hair.)
Archie: Josh: “teenagers are annoying and kind of stupid”
So, in other words, Dustin. Except the title character gets occasional hand jobs from either of the two girls rivaling for his attention?
Archie: Archie is fascinating to me. Not as a strip; it’s one of those ones where I’m not actively repelled like Luann, I just don’t find it interesting enough to read every day. But as a cultural phenomenon, I’m fascinated that the Archie franchise includes proper horror comics, what I understand to be a pretty dark live action drama, and even Mark Waid’s more grounded and realistic take on “teen humour comics” and not only is it all spawned from a dumb “wacky hijinks” strip, they haven’t even buried that strip and pretended it doesn’t exist! It’s still the lynchpin of the whole deal!
Crank: Goodness, this is even dumber than I could have imagined yesterday! I can’t wait to see how dumb it’s got by the end of the week!
DT: I can’t believe I missed this guy’s name was Charlie Babbage on Sunday. When do we meet his partner, Addie Lovelace?
JP: Remember, if you keep pointing out that you’re rehashing an old plot, that makes it okay! It’s called “lampshade hanging!”
Remember when this started, and Ronnie briefly implied that there was trouble in paradise between her and Kat? I wonder if we’re going to get any more on that, now everyone’s in the same city? I don’t expect it’d be interesting, but it’d probably be more interesting than this.
(It’s too much to hope for that Ann might actually point out “So you were hanging out with Neddy and going along with all her crazy schemes for years, and then you decided to marry the woman who plays Neddy in the movie, and looks just like her, even though she’s kind of awful? Okaaay….” And I guess if the subtext did actually become text, it would probably stop being so funny.)
SH: So Catboy knows the whole story, but Elephant-Girl doesn’t? Samantha just told her to get Old Maria as her OB/GYN with no context whatsoever? Sure, why not?
@Dr. Larry Erhardt: Arlo and Janis has a 2000 copyright date. Wasn’t Janis still wearing her long hairstyle back then? (I’ll admit it took a couple of days for me to notice the hair.)
Teh bewbs!!!1! Teh bewbs!1!!!
Luann: “Ok, Phil? You sound like my dad. So drop those pants NOW.”
@Dr. Larry Erhardt: According to Jimmy Johnson, he’s redrawn the artwork from the 2000.
Luann-If you want to read about Luann’s summer camp adventures be sure to buy the graphic novel.
@Dr. Larry Erhardt: Admit it, Doctor.
You were distracted by the side boob.
@Ukulele Ike: Gil Thorp would choose a magical, deeply romantic song for the bridal dance. My bet is “Muskrat Love” by the Captain & Tennille.
Two words: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaafternoon Delight.
Super-Fun-Pak Comix: Someone happening upon this comic would certainly be entitled to believe the cartoonist thinks differently than most people, and for that reason I am HERE for it.
@ectojazzmage: Honestly, if your proposal for Crankshaft’s current story is right, I’d be surprised. Not at the story itself, but at the fact that Batiuk will have taken this long to write a plotline that’s just him angrily attacking his critics.
Oh, no no no, this would just be the most recent story that does that. The first one I’m aware of is the Funky Winkerbean story where a group of parents weren’t sure about the school play being about death and cancer, which was just strip after strip of “People who don’t like works about death and cancer are all morons.” The most recent was when Ed complained to Battom Thomas that The Oldies didn’t always have a joke and kept forgetting about the title character, and Battom Thomas explained that he didn’t care even slightly what Ed thought.
@UncleJeff: You were distracted by the side boob.
Was there something in addition to that?
RMMD: “Somebody’s coming out. And they’re using that old ‘porch tree in a pot’ disguise! Do you think the Morgan’s may be on to us?”
JP – “Ronnie, Neddy, Ann! So nice to see the six of you.”
@Dr. Larry Erhardt: @ectojazzmage: Vampires? Have you mistaken Gil Thorp for one of those strips where things actually happen, like Flash Gordon?
Besides, Marty’s infamous garlic puffs are protecting the entire . . . I assume high school gym . . . where this is taking place.
@TheDiva: Gil seems like the kind of guy who would pick Jimmy Soul’s “If You Wanna Be Happy.”
@Horace Broon: Archie is pretty interesting for the fact that as dated and dull as the central comic still is, it’s otherwise managed to adapt surprisingly well to modern times with spinoffs and adaptations. The Mark Waid reboot was indeed genuinely good and a very fun read during it’s run. The horror comics tend to be legitimately hilarious black comedy pieces that really lean into the absurdity of their premises. Riverdale as a show was awful, but in a lovable, harmless way where a lot of the fun was seeing just how insane and bizarre it got as it went. The Sabrina and Katy Keene shows that arose from Riverdale were both genuinely good in their relatively brief runs, and were only cut short as casualities of Covid’s effects on Hollywood rather than through any fault of their own.
Even before all these relatively recent works, Archie and it’s related works (especially Sabrina, lest we forget the 90s sitcom that ran for a whole decade, though my wife and I also rather nostalgically love Tania del Rio’s manga-influenced reboot of it from the early 2000s that we both read as kids) have had a lot more luck than most comics of their nature and genre in terms of at least producing media that is both consistently released and worth looking at. I think the only newspaper or newspaper-adjacent comic that competes with Archie in that field is the undying juggernaut that is Garfield.
None of that can be said for stuff like the Funky-Verse or Mary Worth or Blondie or what have you. Hell, the only non-Archie-or-Garfield related newspaper comic I can recall having so much as an adaptation is the animated Dilbert show from way back, and Dilbert definitely isn’t ever getting back into the limelight after the myriad ways Scott Adams has imploded his career, personal life, and reputation.
“Last Tango In Milford” needs more Marlon Brando as Marty Moon.
@Liam: Luann-If you want to read about Luann’s summer camp adventures be sure to buy the graphic novel.
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Knowing Luann, I’m sure its less graphic then Don Knotts’ novel “Up In Barney’s Room”.
@ectojazzmage: I can think of a couple more adaptations than that, but certainly nothing I’d call an actual multimedia franchise like Archie and Garfield, and none that are particularly recent.
Skipping Ye Olden Days when Barney Google’s goo-goo-googly eyes were topping the hit parade and Blondie apparently appeared in a series of 28 B-movies, the main ones I remember from my own childhood are various Heathcliff animated series, one of which also featured Marmaduke, and Dennis (which wasn’t called Dennis the Menace over here because we already had one).
(As Randy Milholland insists on reminding me every Thursday, there was also a Popeye series of sorts when I was a kid, but we shall say no more about it.)
Oh, there was also — and I swear this wasn’t a dream I had — a live action Andy Capp series starring James Bolam off of The Likely Lads. It ran for one series in 1988, and was never seen again.
Archie: Jughead keeps himself cool by panting and sticking his tongue out. The dog soldier hybrid breeding program was in its infancy when he was conceived.
GT: Marty Moon is a sports comment guy, society journalist, event DJ, and recovering alcoholic, but as you can see from the cardboard & sharpie sign, graphic design is his passion.
@ValdVin: RE: CS More like oversaturated. Ever since Powerwash Simulator hit the market a few years ago there’s been a glut of “chore” type games. Including yard mowing simulators.
None of that is a joke.
@Horace Broon: I knew Andy Capp from the “Andy Capp Hot Fries” you get at the gas station years before I knew about the comic strip. That’s the only one I’ve got for comic characters outside of the funny pages.
C-Shaft: A video game developer who’s basically a dead ringer for the teenage Funky Winkerbean wants to create a game based on…what? Explosive barbecues? When time is a flat circle you run the risk of running into things like this.
DT: Not that a common-or-garden porch pirate case isn’t worth pursuing, but I’m having severe doubts about whether the high tech federal sting was necessary in cracking it.
Dustin: I’m quite sure that the other associates at Dustdad’s law firm could weigh in on whether he accomplished anything today.
HtH: The Saxons have home field advantage but they also have a unit of archers doing friendly fire on their hand-to-hand combatants, so who know?
Luann: Good(???) sign for Phil. This feels like the kind of strip where every woman winds up marrying her father, whether it’s funny or not.
MW: Dawn is serious about voting for her favorite iCarly episode!
Phantom: Everyone who thinks that the story of the Gingerbread Man would have been improved by the little guy making a lot of empty death threats, this strip’s for you.
RMMD: With respect to yesterday’s installment, the Ginger Twins apparently know what surveillance is but are shaky on the concept of “undercover.”
@Peanut Gallery: oooooooo
@Alter Ego: Yeah, it’s Judge Parker. The fundamental things apply.
@Horace Broon: I was vaguely aware of the Heathcliff show (emphasis on vaguely), but not most of those others. It’s pretty interesting to learn about them, especially Blondie’s long-running film series (clearly from the pre-television days, since something like that would be a tv show instead of a string of movies now). Led me down some more wiki walks and research that yielded some interesting information about the histories of these doofy newspaper comics we all rip to shreds together each day. Certainly proves that there’s always something new to learn.
GT: Remember when Marty Moon fell off the wagon and turned into a werewolf? I hope Gil’s wedding falls on the full moon.
@Comically Challenged: I heard that Powerwash Simulator is very chill and relaxing. I wouldn’t mind playing it sometime.
H&L:
Can you imagine living in a world where a couple with at least in theory enough money to purchase a house, would describe their employment as being a lugger. I’d love to be the bank loan officer in charge of evaluating their loan application.
@Artist formerly known as Ben: Still better than “GingerDeadMan with Gary Busey. A slasher movie about an evil cookie.
Can’t make this stuff up.
@ectojazzmage: You had to sit through the Blondie B-movie, a newsreel, and a couple of crappy MGM cartoons before you could see Garbo in Nintochka. But hey, maybe it’s Dish Night.
HtH: Good to see the Viking on the far left having the tip of his nose chopped off. What with all this hand-to-hand broadsword combat lately, we really need more disfiguring facial mutilations.
Featuring FAY HELM as “Mrs. Fuddle!”
REX MORGAN M.D.: “Does anything ever happen on this street?” Boy is she going to be in for a shock when she finds out what comic she’s in.
REX MORGAN M.D. (2): How the hell did the gruesome twosome even know where the Morgan’s live? I mean the point of this mission in the first place is to
pad out the storylinedo reconnaissance, but these two already know the Morgan’s address. They couldn’t have learned it from Rene, who’s whole backstory involves being estranged from the family. (Plus I’m pretty sure Renee has never been to the Morgan residence. In fact, neither have we, as I’m positive this is the first time we’ve seen this house since the Great Writing Change of 2016. Again this chicks are doing “surveillance”, yet they seem to know more Mogan backstory then we do.)@2+2=7: Maybe they followed June or Rex home from the clinic one evening?
@2+2=7: Hear hear.
@2+2=7: Phone book?
@The Rambling Otter: Never saw that movie and I had forgotten it existed, which I suspect gives me something in common with Gary Busey.
@ectojazzmage: “Ack” says Cathy at this total snub.
Judge Parker: Why does my mind’s eye see three instances of Sponge Bob saying “ight, imma head out”?
@Just John: Okay, that was Monday’s, I failed to notice.
@Artist formerly known as Ben: Poor Gary Busey.
He always shows up on those”Top 10 Reasons You Should Wear a Helmet” listicles.
Low and Hi-less: “You can tell they’re Hoarders, by the way they leave NO KILL I etched in the floor with acid wherever they leave.
LUANN: Poor Luann and her short-attention span already forgot about that letter-writing device the Evans tried to set… (Luann, of course, already checked out of this conversation because she was distracted by jiggling keys.)
LUANN (2): Luann: “Phil, I can’t wait to tell you about all the bedding and camp supplies I stole!” (I’m just saying that Luann has a lot more stuff then she left with. For instance, she has a suitcase now when she explicitly traveled “light” and took a backpack to camp. Whoops!
LUANN (3): “I can’t wait to tell you about camp Phil. I can wait tell my ‘caring’ parents and my bestest friend ever who lives in the same house with me, however, because we obviously have a warm loving dynamic!” (Maybe she found out about their plot to change the locks over the summer and move Bernice into Luann’s room as part of their “Operation: Real Daughter” conspiracy?)
LUANN (4): Phil my boy, if this story culminates with Luann dumping you, then she did you a favor because that face is what you’d have to stare at whenever you end up grunting inside of her (shudder.)
(Also have you ever wondered what “Belle Batsfrey crazy-eyes” would look like with an even worse art style? Just a question that came to me for some reason, I don’t know why.)
@I was told there would be no permanent record.: Can you imagine living in a world where a couple with at least in theory enough money to purchase a house, would describe their employment as being a lugger.
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Their fortunes changed for the better when they found that copy of the Declaration of Independence with Thomas Jefferson’s sketched naked drawings of Adams and Franklin on the back stuffed behind an old painting someone threw out.
@Ukulele Ike: @2+2=7: Phone book?
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Naw, text book, it’ll be quicker.
@ectojazzmage: especially Blondie’s long-running film series (clearly from the pre-television days, since something like that would be a tv show instead of a string of movies now).
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There have indeed been a number of attempts at a “Blondie” sitcom, including one co starring Jim Backus as J.C.Dithers.
Archie-“Those aren’t my keys. Those are keys we stole from a person.”
BIZARRO: Today’s strip by special guest writer, JG Ballard
OK, that’s WAY too esoteric a reference, and now it’s underneath 160 other comments, no one will read it anyway.
GT: Today’s strip settles it. GT is no more appealing if I DO understand what’s going on.
@Hibbleton: Bwahaha!
@Horace Broon: Yes, there was a live stage musical based on the comic strip Andy Capp. It featured music and lyrics by Alan Price (former keyboardist for The Animals) and a book/lyrics by Trevor Peacock.
The original cast starred Tom Courtenay as Andy Capp, Val McLane as Florrie (Flo) Capp, and composer Alan Price playing the role of Geordie.
Original run:1982 with a revival in 2016
A whole article on it here: https://www.planetslade.com/andy-capp-reg-smythe10.html
MT: “Rehoming” gorillas???!! I suppose this story might have made even less sense if it were about a hippopotamus sanctuary, but I’m not at all sure.
JP: I am also having flashbacks of that first series, and it’s not fun at all.
LUANN: Even being forced to stay nineteen years old for about a decade is no excuse for behavior like this.
@Poteet:
We’ve got a gorilla for sale
Magilla Gorilla for sale
Won’t you
Buy him
Take him home and try him
Gorilla for sale
See in the window, Magilla Gorilla
Full of charm and appeal
Handsome
Elegant
Intelligent, sweet
He’s really ideal
Don’t you want a little gorilla you can call your own?
A gorilla who’ll be with you when you’re all alone
The Magilla Gorilla Show!
@Baja Gaijin: re GT: I hate weddings where the wedding party takes off in a plane/goes cruising around town in a limo/gets lost taking pictures/whatever while the guests are waiting to eat or for the bar to open up. Especially if the wedding and reception are in the same venue.
@ectojazzmage: “Dilbert definitely isn’t ever getting back into the limelight after the myriad ways Scott Adams has imploded his career, personal life, and reputation.”
My Mom and Sister have been binging on “Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman”
I don’t mind watching it, per say… but seriously, what Dean Cain has been doing lately is so very un-Superman-like that it’s just kind of painful.
Herb and Jamaal: “Maybe the trouble is that tribble on your head.”
@Poteet: MT: “Rehoming” gorillas???!!
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“He’s a gorilla,he has no home.”- George Costanza (adapted).
@The Rambling Otter: I’ve never played it myself, but the gameplay I’ve seen of it is very satisfying/mesmerizing. I definitely see the appeal.
@Buck Ripsnort: If it helps any, I got the gag, even though I’ve never read that novel or seen Cronenberg’s adaptation, and I don’t plan to. (Now I feel a little like that awful “GOT THE REFERENCE!” lady from Funky Winkerbean.)
@matt w: And he finally got that weird mouth deformity fixed.
@GarrisonSkunk: I had to look that one up.
There’s cancelled, and then there’s cancelled!
@Peanut Gallery: Pretty cool, Jim’s real life wife, Henny played Cora Dithers.
@Peanut Gallery: There’s cancelled, and then there’s cancelled!
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At least “The New Blondie” didn’t get turned off as quickly as “Turn On” did.
@Bob Tice: @Dr. Larry Erhardt: Wasn’t Janis still wearing her long hairstyle back then?
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How did she wear her tail back then?
@Dr. Larry Erhardt: Janis got her hair cut in February 1999. She then looked like this. Eventually it morphed into the cooking pot hairdo, in the 2000 time frame. It took a number of years before it was changed into the shape that is still used today.