One-panel Wednesday
Post Content
Alice, 9/23/26
Faithful readers know that one of my favorite bits of Alice is the little … caption? extra text? … at the bottom, and its role in the narrative of each strip. Like today, you’re probably wondering: does it mean that Alice’s boyfriend is going to be doing all the driving again? Maybe she can take the bus or an Uber sometimes! Well, no: it turns out that it does mean that. The caption has spoken!
The Lockhorns, 9/23/26
The smile I can accept, but I’m really concerned with whatever Leroy is doing with the non-face parts of his body here. He’s … strutting? Dancing? It’s off-putting. Borderline grotesque. Knock it off, Leroy.
Beetle Bailey, 9/23/26
“What, the kids today can’t get horny from a drawing of a stacked blonde in a little black dress anymore? Huh? What is it that they want? Foot stuff? They like feet? Sexy lady feet, is that what they like? Fine, I guess we’ll give ’em feet.” –The Beetle Bailey division of Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC, apparently unaware that the way they draw fingers and toes is actually quite repellent
129 replies to “One-panel Wednesday”
“My biggest problem right now is that I can’t stand up while anyone’s looking. You know, for reasons!”
I’d like to switch Alice’s dialog into a Gearhead Gertie strip.
I like to think the caption is the TV speaking to them, Magic 8 Ball style. There’s no shows on it, just blurted out statements at their spoken questions and vagaries.
“What are we having for lunch?”
“CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN.”
If Daddy Daze isn’t going to show Grandma, she should be making Peanuts-esque ‘wa wa’ sounds and he should be translating.
Leroy mimes bellying-up to a bar. “Your money’s no good here, Mr. Lockhorn,” Lloyd tells him. The axe murders begin shortly thereafter.
BB: Since Buxley is a civilian contractor and not active military personnel would she be allowed to access the base psychiatrist?
FG: I wonder what Queen Dezzy is sucking out of that coconut shell.
JP: Ok, so Montoni’s it is!
Alice: I’m impressed that they didn’t feel the need to add the usual explanatory footnote like “Driver’s license: A plastic photo ID card stating the holder’s eligibility to drive various kinds of motor vehicle”. Without it, I think this strip might ask too much of the average Alice reader.
BB: “My biggest problem is I can’t help myself from looking up my patients’ skirts!”
Alice:
Wow. What a knee-slapper.
Lockhorns: Zombie Leroy is such a loser instead of eating brains he does the funky chicken.
Lockhorns: God in heaven, I think he’s twerking!
Lockhorns:
Frank Zappa of blessed memory captured Leroy’s ideation perfectly: “I’m a dancing foo-oo-oo-ool.”
BB “apparently unaware that the way they draw fingers and toes is actually quite repellent” Um, I consider myself a plain-vanilla naif and even *I* have more faith in Rule 34 than Josh. I bet there’s a *devoted* following and do *not* want to know more about it
Alice really is the new frontier of comedy, eschewing outdated ideas about joke structure and punchlines. Like what if, instead of a humorous misdirect, a joke was just a statement of fact that was reinforced through a caption? That might be funny, right? In a meta sort of way?
Luann you of all people should know that being a Degroot and being an obnoxious doof practically go hand in hand
MW The shouting will finally be overheard by Toby, because everyone in Charterstone can hear it before Nelly gets loud enough to get through Larry’s cut-rate hearing aids. The idiot plot continues, though, because Toby can’t muster the neuron firing to understand innuendo. “Why yes” she thinks “my husband *does* know a busybody widow – why would that be interesting? we all do
MT Among all the things Mark Trail doesn’t understand about caving, wow, geology is right up there… we have a previously-unknown underground river going through high-ceilinged caverns. Folks, I’m pretty sure the Smurfs had more realistic setups when going into caves to find dragons or magic flowers…
RMMD: Well, this is subtle foreshadowing. “Well, ancient man who is my father, I’m just gonna leave you all alone hunched over a drawing board under a hot light while I gallivant off to do who knows what! Sure hope I don’t come back to find you slumped over that same drawing board dead of a heart attack or stroke or seizure! That sure would put a cramp in my gallivanting since you’re the only one making any money around here! ‘Bye!”
JP: Gotta admit, I’m flummoxed. Which of these character pairs (Judgey Wudgey/Sophie, Randy/AnnDoris, Neddy/Sophie) are about to have their world turned upside down *yet again* by CIApril and the Past That Won’t Stay In The Past? Or maybe it’s a trick question and ‘The Walking Dead’ is about to begin in order to mess up everyone’s life.
BB-Problem one. Ms. Buxley is wearing underwear.
BB: Who/what made Ms Buxley go to the shrink? For one, she’s a civilian. And she’s ALWAYS been the most rational person at Camp Swampy.
ALICE: I assume the lines emanating from the left side represent a TV. Just to show that there’s one other object in that masterpiece of minimalism.
MW: YOU, IN THE CAR; SHOW YOUR HANDS. My imagination is going places that no imagination should go.
MW: How come not one person has found the gossip hard to believe? Is Mary the Charterstone ride?
MW: there isn’t enough lubricant in Santa Royale to make it possible.
MW: when Mary is orgasmic does she scream “Oh Mary, oh Mary?”
Today’s Beetle Bailey guest artist: Quentin Tarantino.
MW – even by Moy’s usual “let’s drag this out until even comatose patients and pluggers get it” standards, this has dragged beyond all reason. And the “Bum Boat followed by real boat” talk with Dr. Thrall will also go beyond its usual two weeks.
RMMD – Dad, we’re going to lunch. We’d invite you but this conversation is already pushing the bounds of my tolerance for sharing space with you.
BB – Since Miss Buxley isn’t actually in the service and not eligible for the,session, this feels like the opening salvo in an arranged sex role-play.
LHs – along with Dennis’ saddle shoes, Leroy’s inappropriate-for-his-generation dress-shoes-to-relax-at-home schtick really bugs the hell outta me.
@pugfuggly: Perhaps Alice is a neo-absurdist challenge to our perceptions of humor, not unlike Marcel Duchamp putting an ordinary urinal on a pedestal and forcing viewers to reevaluate what constitutes “art.” Or maybe it’s just a really, really terrible comic strip.
BB: If you’re going to cater to foot fetishists, you’d think getting the anatomy of the foot right would be a priority. Or is there some kink group out there for three-toed women? Actually, if there is, don’t tell me. I want to live in blissful ignorance.
Alice — I read this seemingly innocuous dialogue as flirtatious and an invitation to mate. Move over, Miss Buxley!
Pop and Locked — Actually, Leroy is celebrating his newly found power to make one arm grow longer than the other
Lockhorns: In my experience the lines at Costco, while frequently long, also go very fast, occasionally aided by employees who will ring up your cart while you’re still in the queue so all you have to do at the register is present your membership card and pay. I’m all for celebrating the small wins, but this one seems so minuscule that Leroy’s delight in it is just embarrassingly pathetic.
Let me fix Alice:
Alice: “I forgot to renew my driver’s license”
Boyfriend: “Was that because your head is open and thoughts just fall out?”
Caption: IT WAS.
MW: Nice of Burt Mustin to come back from the dead for a personal appearance.
Dustin: I mean to be fair, with the examples in Dustin’s household it’s unsurprising he would mistake insults and contempt for affection.
MT: I’m impressed Mark can scold like that while being swept away to his doom.
MW: At this point I’m forced to believe Mary and Ian’s conversation consists entirely of reactions and interjections.
“You’re brilliant, Mary!”
“That’s excellent, Ian!”
“Ha ha!”
“Oh, Ian!”
Alice continues to be the newspapers’ unknowable box of mysteries. Is this just a life update from the creator? Or is it a window into a surreal otherworld? If the former, just get someone to drive you to the license renewal office, lady. Or drive there yourself; don’t commit any moving violations, and it’ll be fine.
If the latter, the weirdos in Otherworld really need to step up their game! Sure, I can’t tell if they’re in a living room on a tiny sofa, or an alien bus depot, scrutinizing a two-dimensional glow-box on the left wall. If I can’t tell the difference between “artistic choices” and “bad drawings,” though, you’ve probably missed the mark.
Alice: I’m glad they didn’t show us the driver’s license. I don’t want to know what front-facing Alice looks like.
JP: “… no bra….”
Curtis: And there’s the bedbugs we’ve been waiting for.
Legend of Bill: Sylvia is what Brooke wished Pibgorn was.
BB: Repellent to you, perhaps.
Josh: “The way these feet and toes are drawn is repellent, it will not entice the perverts!” Sweet summer child…
Does this mean there won’t be another The Lockhorns until Sunday? Huzzah!
***
Why did she take her shoes off in the shrink’s office? Why is she there in the first place if everything’s okay? Look, this is Beetle Bailey It shouldn’t have more than one “WTF?” moment per strip, and we’re getting two in one panel? WTF?!?
B. Bailey: “Look. Can we skip the word games and just get to the part where you message my feet.”
BB: I’m more concerned about the mere presence of bare feet. Is this part of standard of care for mental health now? Is Dr. Bonkus a psychia-podiatrist? I have so many questions!
“If you are happy and well-adjusted, why are you visiting a psychologist?”
“They said there must be something wrong in my head if I am dating Beetle Bailey”
“That’s very offensive for him”
“It was HE who said it!”
“Anyway, I am here just to score some drugs!”
“I am not the candy man! Problems like ADHD and depression are serious and requires a combined approach of CBT and medication that must be designed ad hoc for each case!”
“Sorry, I didn’t want to offend you…”
“Nah, I’m just pulling your leg! What do you fancy trying?”
I see the bottom caption as basically the Greek chorus: it expresses the view of the author and makes the moral of the story explicit for the viewers with deficient understanding. This tool was abandoned with more developed art, but these days readers lack any media literacy and are probably reading while doomscrolling, so I have to admit its utility
Beetle Bailey
Dr. Bonkus’s speech bubble appears to be coming out of his ass, and if Ms. Buxley is happy and well-adjusted right now, she probably won’t be after listening to an old man’s ass-problems.
Shamans and holy men would dance in ecstasy to celebrate their communion with the Divine. Now we dance to celebrate small materialist victories in our bourgeois existence. TFW Entzauberung der Welt!
Alice:
For a second I was wondering “where exactly do Alice and her boyfriend need to go? Do we ever see them anywhere?” Then I remembered that this is Alice. Of course we never see them anywhere, together or individually. Nobody is anywhere in this strip! Everything takes place in an existential void!
Lockhorns: Move over Elaine, Leroy’s here to get this party going!
9CL: I know, I know, it’s just a cartoon… but crawling across an open grand piano would be painful and dangerous not sexy and alluring.
MW: “What!? Nanny and the Professor? Never watch it.”
THERAPISTS–
– BB: Taking notes from the successful
– ARGYLE S: Using the ink blot test (took me 20 seconds to get it)
THRIFTING- Good for the envIronment and the budget in these times. But not for everyone.
– CURTIS: not for the naive, I predicted this yesterday
– JP: Not for those born into privilege. Perhaps Ann could hold a bridal shower for herself, or ask Katherine for her stored items
– JUMP S: Consult before donating
– S4th: Ted has the thrifting brain?
BB – Why would Miss Buxley be seeing a shrink when she has no psychiatric issues? Unless she supplements her secretarial salary by working as a prostitute and is acting out one of Dr. Bonkers’ Woody Allen-esque fantasies. That would explain how she can afford those chic outfits and high lifestyle, since inside access to a camp full of horny soldiers would certainly be a gold mine for that sort of enterprise. It would also explain why she’s frequently seen on “dates” with Beetle, whose personal sex appeal has to be down there somewhere with Sarge, Zero and Otto.
9CL – Brooke ran across the photo of Harry Truman playing the piano with Lauren Bacall posed on top, then took off from there. This week’s strips are exactly like the photo, if Harry Truman had an Easter Island head and Lauren Bacall had a chinless gorilla face.
Crankshaft – It’s been three weeks, and this shit wore thin on day two.
Frazz – Mrs. Olsen – 1, Caulfield – 0.
Jump Start – Never, NEVER touch the little woman’s boxes of holiday stuff.
Rex Morgan – This has gone from talking about a kidnapping plot to talking about making a sandwich. ZZZZZ
BB-Special guest writer Quentin Tarantino.
MW-And in tomorrow’s forecast there is a 100% chance of more of the same.
RMMD-It’s more or less official the dad is the sole breadwinner in that house.
RMMD-“More drawings mule!”
@Victor Von: “Or drive there yourself; don’t commit any moving violations, and it’ll be fine.”
That’s actually a misconception.
Many who drive without a license, believe “As long as I don’t cause an accident, I’m fine!”
But the law is, you can’t drive without a license, period.
@Guillermo el chiclero: Re JP – I’m all for it if April bursts in and vaporizes that insufferable robot waiter.
Alice-Enjoy taking the bus.
He’s not celebrating that he chose correctly. He’s celebrating that he was right and his wife was wrong. Loretta knows this of course, but in her usual low-key psychological warfare she’s trying to downplay his accomplishment and convince outsiders that he’s the only insane one.
BB: “Shoes off the furniture, lady.”
JP: That’s right, Ann has never owned a plate or a fork in her life. Always on the go, go, go.
DT: Didn’t we have a story recently starring a redhead and a blonde villain? Roxie Raygunne or something? Is this them again? Please girls, let Stockpot enjoy his three hot dogs and Moxie in peace.
@The Quiet Man: RE: Rex Morgan M.D.: That scenario is unlikely to happen because….
a) That would be a “medical issue” and we don’t do those here.
b) “Foreshadowing” itself is too subtle for this comic. (At “best” Hank Jr is going to come home…4 weeks later…and find Hank Sr. slumped over his station and fear the worst, but ha ha, it’ll turn out he just took a nap at his desk, which is just as well since anything more pulse-pounding that that 2 seconds of drama might induce a heart-attack in the reading audience for real!)
@TheDiva: I know Lockhorns doesn’t do continuity but it would be, uh, innovative if in tomorrow’s panel, Loretta crushed Leroy’s joy by having a load of Costco items delivered in less time than it takes to make a round trip to the actual store.
“I forgot to renew my driver’s license. It doesn’t really matter, though. They told me I needed to wear glasses to drive, but the Dadaist optical shop closed down and the folks at Lens Crafters told me not to come back because I was giving them nightmares.”
ALICE: This is just an oblique, expressionistic way to talk about their sex life isn’t it?
Does “Alice” want to know what a four way hot dog is?
_______________________________________________________________________________________
YES,SHE DOES
SlylickFox And Comix For Kinky Kids: Isnt it cute the way Cassandra’s tail forms a question mark when she asks for customers’ orders? Has the Playboy Club™ been recreated for the Animal Revolution? I want to see Sly figure out which of Weirdly’s creations stole his Playboy Key™.
@2+2=7: I didn’t say it would be a medical story that would involve the titular character. Perish the thought! Augie Doggy will find Doggy Daddy dead, and then we’ll just cut to a wall ‘o text saying ‘Welp, life moves on! Little do the Morgans know that they could have had an original ‘Horrible Hank’ commission if they’d cared to ask. Ah well, let’s see what Truck/Buck/Fergus is up to!’
BB: Josh gets it.
9CL: Blind Music Lover (whispering to neighbor): “What’s wrong with the piano? It got all muffled, as if some skank was crawling across the soundboard.”
Neighbor: “Well, you’re not going to believe this, but, uh—“
Blind Music Lover: “Suddenly I smell fish. Do you smell fish?”
Alice – The caption at the bottom of Alice strips is a very bored Guardian Angel having to chronicle the various activities of her life for final judgement. a m
The Lockhorns – Costco’s reputation will never recover from having LeRoy Lockhorn as a member.
Beetle Bailey – Dr. Bonkus was already overworked and under resourced as it was before the current regime eschewing things like “mental health” in favor of prescribing testosterone to all cis-male troops and forcing AI into his sessions. His military benefits don’t even give him access to shady services like BetterHelp to just have someone to vent to.
Mary Worth: The rumor will continue until every minor character of the last 15 years hears it — or Moy returns from vacation.
@I speak Jive:
Rex Morgan – This has gone from talking about a kidnapping plot to talking about making a sandwich. ZZZZZ
________________________
“STOP STEALING OUR BIT!”- Willburp Weston, Dagwood Bumstead, and Depressed Chick.
THE LOCKHORNS: Ha! Leroy is doing the “George Jefferson dance” (which is just as well since he looks like white Sherman Helmsely anyway.)
Alice: This comic strip feels like it was guest-directed by Ingmar Bergman, but the costumes suggest Fellini.
‘horns: The Lockhorns can afford a Costco membership? No wonder Leroy is strutting.
BB: Miss Buxley’s feet look like little Dilbert heads. There. I said it. Now you have to think about that.
One of the advantages of not keeping different comics straight in my head is that I can enjoy the irony of Alice not having a driver’s license despite being obsessed with auto racing.
Also, Leroy just got laid.
@TheDiva:
And now we’re just discussing The Lockhorn’s sex life (particularly the moment when Leroy finally manages to get it up.)
Sex Organ V.D.: “You go ahead, Son, I have to finish my commission drawing for the ad for the HBO ” H.R. Pufinstuf” reboot spin off, ” Wild Wild West Witchipoo”!
@2+2=7: And now we’re just discussing The Lockhorn’s sex life (particularly the moment when Leroy finally manages to get it up.)
__________
Does Leroy fantasize Lorretta as the Costco checker?
@Asenath: Mary Worth: The rumor will continue until every minor character of the last 15 years hears it — or Moy returns from vacation.
_______________________
Who will shout it down Aldo Curve so Aldo hears it?
BB – “OK, Doctor…” [glances at door] “…Suck-Knob.”
Alice: Alice’s creative team is in heated competition with that of Hi And Lois to see who can make the superior anti-joke. Currently, I’d say Alice is in the lead with it’s use of a totally mundane nuisance with no humorous qualities at all as a punchline, but Hi And Lois can still clinch leans more into the titular couples’ abject misery.
Lockhorns: So, like, did Leeroy really wait until he was all the way back home and his wife had called company over to his victory dance? Or has he just been dancing nonstop since he got that good checkout line?
Beetle Bailey: In real life, telling your therapist in your very first meeting that you’re actually perfectly happy and well-adjusted and don’t need therapy is probably just gonna result in them scribbling something on their chart for an uncomfortably long time before asking you a question that makes you come unzipped. I could totally believe that Miss Buxley really doesn’t have any problems to talk about and her therapist really does accept that without proding. Buxley is entirely devoid of any personality or interior life or real purpose to her existence beyond being “the girl”. She’s less a character and more a doll for Beetle to walk around on chaste dates and Halftrack to receive news from. Why would this therapist waste his breath trying to explore her nonexistent humanity? Better to just use her sessions as a journal or lunchbreak, depending on the mood.
@Liam:
She’s wearing edible panties.
Beetle Bailey: A TV website with a lot of content space to fill recently ran an article ranking the top walk-on characters on “MASH,” the 50-year-old sitcom about the Korean War. Number 1 was Dr. Sidney Freedman, the compassionate Army psychologist who had to keep his own sanity while dealing with traumatized soldiers and doctors who had seen too much. If such a character were sent stateside during a time of relative peace, would we really begrudge him a patient with Hot Lips looks and Klinger-style formalwear — whose worst issues were that her boyfriend sometimes had to stay late on KP duty, or that she had nothing to at work because her mentally iffy boss had been completely forgotten by the military establishment? At this point, the shrink’s own problems seem to come down to nothing more than a horribly ill-fitting uniform, so let him complain about that until the rest of their 50 minutes are up.
Lockhorns: Unfortunately, the fastest lines at Costco are self-checkout, which don’t allow alcohol. So Leroy had to start over in a much longer one, because he knew he couldn’t get through the month without several giant bottles of Kirkland Signature American Vodka. I mean, look at him — he’s obviously so happy because he just got very drunk at an affordable price..
@TheDiva: Ah the medium is the message. Finally thst makes sense…
MW:
Love to love you, baby
Oh, Ian
Love to love you, baby
Oh, Ian
Love to love you, baby
Oh, Ian…
— Donna Summer, “Love to Love You, Baby” (adapted)
Beat-Off Buckley: “So unlike everyone else in this strip, you’re perfectly happy with no emotional problems. And you’re here to what? Rub it in my face? Better you should rub your FEET in my face!
No seriously, you’re already sticking your dirty, sweaty toes at my face, that’s obviously the whole reason for this set-up, right?”
@Buck Ripsnort: BUXLEY, not BUCKLEY, dammit!
@The Rambling Otter: I’m pretty sure the thinking is less “I won’t be punished for driving without a license if I don’t get into an accident” and more “as long as I don’t drive unsafely, the cops won’t have reason to pull me over and check if I have a good license, and thus I can get by until my renewal”.
@TheDiva: There’s a really fantastic analog horror series titled Gemini Home Entertainment which is about an eldritch alien force invading Earth. The footsoldiers of that force are insectoid creatures called woodcrawlers which possess/merge with their victims to slowly convert them into materials for the wider alien scourge to use. While possessed and before their conversion is complete, the “fake people” act in bizarre, disturbingly inhuman ways, moving stiffly and if they talk at all it’s just in vague, disjointed lines parroted that the woodcrawler has heard and is mimicking like a parrot (e.g., imitating a child calling out for their parent).
Mary and Ian’s interactions are starting to remind me of that. Hosts of nightmarish bug things shuffling around, saying canned lines of generic dialogue as they both wait to be fully converted and work to isolate and capture more victims. Which probably says a lot of bad things about Moy’s writing!
GIL THORP: Um…is Gil Thorp doing a malicious gossip storyline too? I checked back a bit to see if I missed something. But nope, we just smash cut, apropos of nothing, to Keri just suddenly implying that Dorothy is in some abusive toxic environment. The basis on this seems to be simply that “Dorothy moved away” and even under the most generous interpretation of “wokeness”, that’s hardly sufficient to qualify as “mistreatment.”
GIL THORP (2): Also this sound suspiciously like a Life is Strange subplot. Has
ChloeKeri been asking for Dorothy because she needs her around to reverse time?JP: No plates or utensils? What was in the box marked “KITCHEN” she carried in on Sunday? Embroidered dish towels? Her Betty Crocker cookbooks? Her extensive knife collection?
I like the mid-century head kerchief detail.
Mary Worth: Ian and Mary parked again somewhere with hands out of sight! Nelly would have a field day!
RMMD: Is that a commission from Dr. Jeff about Mary?
DT: Please please let there be a good twist and not just DT wanting to gun down someone.
JP: Where is this all going Randy? Do you really want jealous CIApril?
Bizarro: Does a whale tail count as a fish tail?
Don Abundio, translated:
“Wanna dance, Yum Yum?”
“Sure, Don Abundio…”
“That’s why I brought a date who’s a great dancer”
“This message has been brought to you by Arthur Murray dance studios”
MW- “Huh? What’s that? The hairy confessor and the fuzzy bottomed kiddo? What the fuck are you talking about?”
Crankshaft:
1) “Can you light this grill from a safe distance with your laser?”
From a safe distance?! Ed has been secretly replaced with an imperfect robot copy.
2) It’s in Ed’s vicinity, so I hope Pepper’s AI isn’t adaptive, otherwise this will turn into a “machines running rampant and destroying things” story very quickly.
H&L: Is it the code that brunette, with shortish hair, not as thin as the last random teenage girl, and glasses equals ‘comic strip unattractive’?
MW:
L: “Which busybody widow?”
N: “The most busybody one!”
L: “Ah. Mary!”
Crank: Following on from my confusion on Monday as to whether the unfunny joke was “Ed forgot he ordered a pizza and set up the grill” or “Ed ordered a pizza and is going to grill it”, I now know the answer is neither! Ed wanted Pepper for
perfectly sensibleconsistent with past strips grilling reasons, and while they were completely opaque on Monday, there was in fact, no joke there at all!(The real joke is that we’ve established Pepper is part of a machine conspiracy to destroy the “fleshies” and that it has a high-powered laser, and neither it nor Batty has put those two facts together. Although now would be a really great time to do so!)
DT: I was going to snark about Dick having magically divined that Widescreen had another henchman by reading ahead in the script, as so often happens in Eric Costello stories. On reflection, however, I guess Mrs Kvetchman probably told the cops how many losers were living there. You win this round, Costello!
FC: Well, Dolly, maybe that’s because, due to the cursed magic of comic strip time, you were always five, and your birthday just means you think you remember being four yesterday. Or maybe it’s because you’re spending your birthday wandering the deserted hallways talking to nobody, without even a “5 Today!” badge. Who can say?
HtH: Look, I know Walker-Browne LLC think all of history happened at once, hence the appearance of Ivan the Terrible, Lady Godiva and Merlin in this strip, but if they’re going to add Moses, could they at least do some research on the visuals?
MW: Okay, you and I know that this is going to end with the reveal that Mary and Chinbeard are planning Toby’s surprise party, but I’m starting to wonder if Moy knows that yet, or if Brigman is just going to have to keep drawing new Charterstone residents being told the same rumour until she figures it out.
OTF: Every computer professional reading this thinks about the idea that tech companies whose clueless CEOs are “pivoting to AI” have dedicated people to fix the LLM’s mistakes, and that these people have job security, and for the first time in a long time, laughs at an On the Fastrack strip. The laughter might be a bit manic, though.
QC: Not directly connected to today’s strip, but I just realised that I never officially retracted my rant about nonsense science last week following the reveal. So, the reveal was a) hilarious and b) established that pressing the button only did anything once a week, and also at least implied that they were testing the WOOMs for … something … somehow. Which is all I ask, really. I still think they were a bit too quick to dismiss the WOOM! machine being responsible for Moray’s condition, but in my ranking of how much comedy nonsense science still feels like the strip has a basic understanding of what science even is, Questionable Content is back in its proper place, well above Safe Havens.
BB: Bigfoot style (derogatory).
Why is the shrink located where he can look up her dress?
@Jym Dyer: I was just going to say that I hope Miss Buxley isn’t going commando.
FG: So Adrane, how are you and the Earth girl at pole dancing? It’s dollar night at the titty bar and the soldiers just got paid.
@Professor Well Actually: #92: If she is I figure her hoo-haw is drawn just as repulsively as her feet.
@The Quiet Man: Horrible Hank will never die. He is the Walt Wallet of Rex Morganville. RMMD never does tragedy, and the death of this beloved comics artist would be too much tragedy for the Morganverse to bear. The whole town runs on boomer nostalgia, and Hank’s unique gifts in reproducing “Tales of the Creep” comics covers from the 50s cannot be replaced by any imitators in the younger generation (Rene, Hank Jr), or, heaven forbid, supplanted by newer artists with different tastes and styles. Anyway, we’ve already had a bunch of fakeouts where it was hinted that Hank had died or was just about to die, but as you can see he’s still here, and I think he’s pretty much here for the duration.
@treetown: JP: Where is this all going Randy? Do you really want jealous CIApril?
So, um, just to be clear here, since I don’t remember the last time it was actually mentioned in the strip, Randy and Ann are … siblings. Brother and sister. Both biological children of Judge Alan Parker and his first wife. Related.
If you knew that and it was part of the bit, then I apologise.
@Ukulele Ike: I’m very possibly losing track, but wasn’t Ann suddenly brought into the strip as a new character even though she is Randy’s sister? And the Parkers had allegedly not been in touch with her for a couple of decades because of her scams and other bad life choices? So she could have had a long-term side gig as a hitwoman, for all we know. Bogdan Body Bits from yesterday seems as good a choice as any for what’s in those boxes.
@Rita Lake: As far as RMMD is concerned, 1950s horror comics is the Roots Country of the visual arts.
@Poteet: I believe Ann appeared in JP many, many years ago, maybe in the ‘60s or ‘70s? One of us with more of a taste for deep-dive research into the soap strips than I could ever muster said as much when she was re-introduced.
In those days, “bad life choices” may have included earning a degree and pursuing a career rather than getting married and doing the kinder, kuche, kirche thang.
FC: Dolly is taking her demotion in the Keane family rankings fairly well.
LUANN: Are they ever going to actually have dinner? Never mind, TJ’s original menu was so awful that it’s better not to know.
As an aside, I know someone who was having her first baby and didn’t want to deal with questions, advice, hoopla, and worry (she was in her late thirties with a health condition), etc. So, because she lived far away from most of her family, she only told three or four close relatives that she was pregnant and swore them to secrecy. The rest of the family found out after the baby was born safe and healthy. Nice surprise, worked out well. That woman is going to look better and better over the next several months, especially when the DeGroots throw their gender reveal party, gaaaaah.
LUANN: If you find yourself unable to say something nice to your sibling without couching it in an insult, you are not nearly as nice of a person as you think you are.
9CL: I see Brooke defied my expectations by not getting bored and cutting back to “Amos & Edda as sex-obsessed kids” already. Let’s see if he can keep this dreck going for 3 more days. The upside is that at least there’s no pretentious dialogue so far this week.
@Ukulele Ike: The weirdest part of all this is that, as I understand it, “getting married and doing the kinder, kuche, kirche thang” is exactly what she did, but Ces has retconned that part.
Back in the early days of the strip, I believe Ann was a nursing student whose plotlines mostly revolved around a Dawn-Weston-like ability to find problematic men. Eventually, in 1968, she chose a square-jawed, honest-decent-and-true lawyer named David over the latest ne’er-do-well and was, if not actually married out of the strip, at least left with a strong implication of such. What happened between then and her reintroduction as the partner-in-crime, possibly wife, and definitely not murderer of a con man named Don is anyone’s guess. All we know is that Alan seems to remember that she left with one of the aforementioned ne’er-do-wells, rather than a square-jawed lawyer (I have a vague recollection that he actually named said problem boyfriend as David, just completely rewriting her entire past, but ICBW).
It was nice of the army to give Miss Buxley a job after the dog-woman project that created her was shut down.
Alice sucks ass.
@Poteet: #97: Ann actually was an original character from the strip’s 1950s beginnings. She was married off to a promising young man and quietly disappeared from the strip in the late 60s like the oldest Douglas boy from “My Three Sons”.
@Ukulele Ike: Wow! That is genuinely interesting! Sorry, did not mean to indirectly imply that you aren’t always interesting. You are. JP, not always so much.
@Guillermo el chiclero: Good grief! So in a sense, Ann is having her revenge. She’s baaaaack.
@Group Captain Lionel Mandrake: Today’s Beetle Bailey guest artist: Quentin Tarantino.
____________________________________
Who DOES know how to draw a squirrel, as can be seen in the “Pulp Fiction” extras!
@Horace Broon: So Ann is actually about ninety now??? I sense a really interesting back story involving the Devil, her soul, and whatever is in those boxes.
Beat Up Bailey: “My EYES are UP HERE, Doctor!” “Sorry,my dear, I suddenly have a compulsion to draw little Dilbert faces on the soles of you feet,mind if I do so, and perhaps a Dogbert face on your—– ” “DOCTOR,PLEASE!”
JP: Found online, confirms the collective knowledge above. “In its early years, the comic strip could just as easily have been called Judge Parker’s Family. Ann Parker, the judge’s headstrong 19-year old daughter was very prone to poor choices in her boy friends. More often than not they turned out to be conmen or dangerous criminals.”
@Ukulele Ike: “Suddenly I smell fish. Do you smell fish?”
“Good evening, ladies.” /alternate entire joke
@Jym Dyer: Why is the shrink located where he can look up her dress?
_______________________________________
“Its good to be the shrink”- Mel Brooks, adapted.
@Abram Beazer: It was nice of the army to give Miss Buxley a job after the dog-woman project that created her was shut down.
_______________
Project Poodle Prostitute was a rare win/win for Camp Swampy…successful in both results and name alliteration!
Gassed Up Alleycats: “Do we share a universe with that Dick Tracy fella, Rufus? I seem to recall some wealthy dowager who was nuts for anything Lincoln!”
@Poteet: Well, y’know, in the same sense as Randy’s probably pushing 100 and even Sophie (introduced in 1992 at the age of nine) must be about 43…
@Horace Broon: #116: Randy’s actually the younger sibling. When the strip started Ann was, as just mentioned, about 19. Randy was preteen to early teen, around Chip Flagston’s age.
Alice: Like Matt Damon said in that movie, if you stare at Alice for 30 seconds and can’t figure out what the joke is, you’re the joke.
BB: I dunno. Would being a foot guy be considered a problem? Just reading the signs here.
9CL: Calling Steinway for an exchange on my baby grand because this one has an annoying strawberry blonde growing out of it.
C-Shaft: Why is he using the words “grill” and “safe” in the same sentence? Who is this man and what has he done with the real Ed Cranksaft?
DT: Uh, guy? You might be the last survivor of your brother/cousin/whatever’s cybercrime gang, but I still don’t see you having a four-way with the waitress and those two ladies in the next booth over.
Dustin: Based on his own experience, I’m surprised that Dustin didn’t suggest that maybe the girl is Hayden’s sister.
GT: We haven’t yet seen what “Peanut” is asking her dad for, but let’s keep things in perspective. If Dorothy’s stepdad were a bona fide monster, some options might be open that remain closed if he’s just an asshole, which is all we have evidence of.
JP: At Montoni’s, Ann Parker loses her temper and beats the sassy server robot until sparks fly out, thereby becoming the most beloved character in soap comics.
Marvin: I’m disturbed by what Armstrong seems to thing a playdate is.
MW: Larry will later tell his friends about a merry hairdresser climbing a busybody willow, but he’ll be at a loss to explain what it means.
Phantom: In his Tokoloshe-induced nightmare, Chatu tries to break back into his cage, be it ever so humble.
@ectojazzmage: The footsoldiers of that force are insectoid creatures called woodcrawlers which possess/merge with their victims to slowly convert them into materials for the wider alien scourge to use.
Hey, that’s in Curtis today!
@Artist formerly known as Ben: Oh, as if Edda or any of the Amoses would deign to perform on a baby grand piano!
Remember, Prototype Amos lost his virginity on a Bosendorfer (rampant). The largest model in their line has 97 keys, instead of the standard 88. (It was built for Ferruccio Busoni in 1909, when he was transcribing Bach organ works for piano and wanted extra bass keys that could cover the pedal parts.).
And of course when Rootchie got himself a 97-key monster piano, simply everybody had to have one.
Incidentally, the Bosendorfer company, dating back to 1828 Vienna, was acquired by Yamaha back in the aughts. So if you’re in the market, look for a used instrument over twenty years old, because the new ones probably suck.
HEAR THAT, Prototype Amos? Ya got your cherry popped on a cheap Japanese facsimile Bosendorfer!
@Ukulele Ike: Going rampant on a Yamaha just doesn’t have the same panache…
@Ukulele Ike: From what I understand, Busoni’s stated reason for needing such a YUGE piano was that he was translating to piano Bach concerti written for pipe organs with deep bass notes. I almost wish Amos and Edda had gone rampant on a pipe organ, since it feels like that would have helped their chances of being struck by lightning.
@lynn: Either that, Daddy should be saying “ba ba ba” and Grandma should be translating.
Schlockhornys: Leroy is doing the “Leroy Shuffle”,its like the ” Curley Shuffle”,but with triangle feet and less “Hey,Moe!”s.
@JeffMcm: Alice sucks ass.
________________
Thats what she gets for sucking things she finds in a rabbit hole just because its labeled “SUCK ME”.
” Go ask Alice,when her ass is ten feet tall” -lyrics,”White Rabbit” (adapted)
@Voshkod: “Oh, don’t be such babies. Tell you what, I’ll just leave the right eye here and you can fit it with a monocle. I’ll come back tomorrow to pick it up and leave the left eye.”
Alice, even if your license is 6 months out of date, you can still just renew it online. And even if it’s more than 6 months, you just go down to the DMV and renew it. It only takes 1 illegal driving trip (or just have your boyfriend(?) drive you the one time). This isn’t that hard, Alice.