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Crankshaft, 12/22/15

One of the many things about Crankshaft I refuse to get emotionally invested in is the slow-moving romance between the title character and Mary, which is why I didn’t bother to discuss yesterday’s strip, in which he asked her out to a movie and then angrily insisted that it was too a date. I was briefly roused to anger today (which I suppose represents a kind of emotional investment) when I saw they were going to It’s A Wonderful Life, because a very early and meaningful date I had with my wife was to see that very film at the delightful Senator Theatre, and I didn’t want Crankshaft tainting those memories. The anger quickly faded into pleasing contempt, however, when I saw that (a) Crankshaft fell asleep mere minutes into their date, (b) Crankshaft is dreaming some kind of version of It’s A Wonderful Life starring himself, only instead of imagining a world where he was never born he’s just visualizing what things will be like after he dies, and (c) the most anyone can come up with in terms of mourning Crankshaft is that they “kind of miss” his hateful misanthropy.

Mary Worth, 12/22/15

Maybe the whole thing with Olive’s parents is meant to be sex-positive? Like, they’re supposed to be a young-ish couple with a healthy sex life? Sure, it always comes across as gross and distasteful, but maybe any sexuality in Mary Worth is going to come across as gross and distasteful by default?

Judge Parker, 12/22/15

I love how everyone is clustering around Judge Parker Senior trying to calm him down after he found out he might have to do more work to earn his ludicrous payday and he got real scared and mad. There, there, Judge. Don’t cry. An award! See? See this piece of paper? An award! An award from some WASPy sounding literary organization! The award is named after a precious metal! Shhhh, go to sleep, shhhhhh.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/22/15

Uhhhhh, perfect??? Has that baby gotten a six-figure book contract from a museum for drawing horsies even once? Back at home, Sarah Morgan sits bolt upright in bed, wide awake, knowing that battle is about to commence.