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Spider-Man, 1/23/16

NEWSPAPER SPIDER-MAN UPDATE: Spider-Man lost his battle with Namor, just like everyone assumed he would, and Mary Jane, in a last-ditch effort to save his life, agreed to be his undersea wife, which Namor requested way back at the beginning of this storyline and was totally heartbroken about when she said no. Yesterday Namor declined her offer, however, which I think we all assumed was for noble reasons … but noooooOOOOPE, he just wants to straight-up kill the shit out of Spider-Man. Truly he is Earth’s most selfless, and hilarious, ruler.

Mary Worth, 1/23/16

I’ve genuinely given up on trying to figure out where this plot is going to meander off to next. Maybe Olive is going to try to play matchmaker? “Sounds like you have a lot of restraint, Mr. Dill. Speaking of restraints, guess who here enjoys consensual, erotic B&D play?” [winks in Mary’s direction]

Gasoline Alley, 1/23/16

Gasoline Alley has transitioned to a storyline about talking animals fleeing in terror from a raging forest fire, and yet somehow is still about God-damned scrapbooking.