He’d better have some opinions on who offers the country’s best yogurt to prove he’s not a phony
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Mary Worth, 6/3/26
Bad news, everyone: Tommy has managed to “seal the deal,” as they say in the sex-having community. He’s not like the other guys, as demonstrated by the fact that he refers to frozen yogurt as “fro-yo.” If he’d called it “frogurt,” he’d have a long, lonely night ahead of him.
Shoe, 6/3/26
Look, I complain a lot about how Shoe generally refuses to acknowledge that its characters are all birds, so I have to hand it to today’s strip: “Charles Squab” is a solid bird-themed pun. Unfortunately this scenario is out of date: the Perfesser, as the strip has repeatedly established and indeed makes clear today, does not have anywhere near the amount of assets that would justify in-person financial advice, and would have been pushed into checking his balances on squab.com, or squab.bird, or whatever the top-level domain in the Shoeniverse is.
Alice, 6/3/26
Why not look 70 at 70? Why not look however old Alice looks at whatever age Alice is? Have you ever given any thought to how old Alice looks, or is? I hadn’t, but now I can’t stop thinking about it, and whether those two numbers match up, and how you could even tell!
Gil Thorp, 6/3/26
COACH BABU: I can help Beth with the wedding.
GIL: Are you sure, Coach Babu?
COACH BABU: Only if I can plan the sangeet. Is there one?
GIL [nervously glances down at the convenient narration box explaining what a sangeet is, learns that it sounds fun and also inexpensive]: There is now!
83 replies to “He’d better have some opinions on who offers the country’s best yogurt to prove he’s not a phony”
Dustin: You’re a plugger if you’re massively obese yet somehow can’t shove a jelly-filled donut in your mouth without spilling the goo on yourself.
Beetle Bailey: Today’s strip would do much better were Killer to wear his cap with the wiggly knobs. They’d be jiggling up a storm in the final panel.
Bizarro: I love the wordplay.
MW: “Dawn…I’m not like most other guys!” Tommy then proves this by transforming into a werecat and eating her.
Judge Parker: At least the Judge is self-aware enough to realize he’s being “Barney Googled.”
Mark Trail: Cherry holds her fork about as naturally as Mary Worth holds her cell phone. Yes, that’s sarcasm you smell.
Rex Morgan: Ahh, the power of the punane draws The Mountain to Glenwood.
Six Chix: I thought yesterday was Depressing Chix day?
I’m 45. How many more years until both my eyes are visible in profile? I’m shopping for sunglasses, for…a friend. Yes, that will do.
Join me in my joy that I now know what a sangeet is, and I didn’t even need to find a docent to tell me! That was Rex Morgan? Screw you, I’m dropping a docent reference today!
Aw yeah. More information about sangeets can be found on the internet. We are so back.
Is Judge Parker looking at us, the reader, or Ces, the writer? Is he planning an escape to our world by becoming self-aware and smashing the fourth wall?
Ever wondered the true position of Guys in Guys V. Yogurt? Now we know, folks! I go now, to deck a Yoplait!
MW:
“Dawn, do you happen to know whether the famed cellist Fro-Yo Ma‘s parents happened to name him after that tasty treat?”
“Why have the colors and lighting shifted?!”
“Because all is despair, Cosmo! You know this. Now, who’s got a dead-eyed stare for me? Come on!”
MW:
“Dawn…I’m not like most other guys! For starters, I have an extensive criminal record and a history of use of controlled substances!”
Dawn and Tommy are already like an old married couple! Specifically the Bumsteads, who also hold conversations while their backs are to each other at ninety degree angles.
Between panels, The Perfesser’s finances have also washed away Mr Squab’s signboard down the drain.
Wary Morth:
Tommy’s right; other guys have more sense than to associate with Dusk, or for that matter anyone else from Charterstone.
Questionable Malcontent:
We finally find out why Lizard gets snake pupils: she’s not human, she’s a Deep One from Innsmouth, and when she’s drunk enough, as in panel one, her mask slips and her real batrachian features emerge.
Meanwhile, Moray is, of course, a shoggoth. Tekeli-li!
GT: “I know my specialty is an Arnold Palmer, but how hard is it to put wine in a bowl full of punch…”
“No, it’s not a sangria, Gil.”
MW – So…there’s a Yogurt shop at the summit of Mount Shasta….
Shoe – It’s like your fluid sexuality – you’re not getting any….
Alice – Big Bro isn’t gonna stand for that back talk to the tele-screen….
GT – So…a good ol’ ‘Merican chivaree or hootenanny isn’t good enough these days….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
MW “I’m not like other guys, Dawn, in that most guys don’t have my horrible gastrointestinal issues. If I skip my yogurt for even a day I can say goodbye to pooping for a week!”
Shoe I would have gone with “You’re pissing it away” but not bad.
MW: If Dawn thinks that most men aren’t into frozen yogurt, why would she invite Tommy out for frozen yogurt? I suspect her subconscious is a bespectacled female Wilbur, saying, “Wait a minute…this is starting to look like a potential HEALTHY relationship…abort, ABORT! SELF-SABOTAGE ROUTINE 12! HIT HIM WITH AN UNPROMPTED MARRIAGE PROPOSAL!”
Alice: “Wait, do people sometimes PREFER to look at people who look younger? How stupid. Why?”
MW: Were it not for yogurt, Tommy and the Westons would have no culture at all.
Today’s Mary Worth makes a lot more sense if you realize Tommy is taking a piss : why else would someone blurt out ” FroYo? That’s cool. I’m in!” unless they were surprised in a moment when they’ thought they were alone?
Ok, there is actually something in the chutzpah of seeing a hit tv show’s joke about how uncool frozen yogurt is and just going ‘fro-yo, that’s cool’.
GT: In the first panel, it looks like they’re playing beach volleyball. But the second and third panels helpfully clarify that they are indoors. Inside a room with walls apparently made of sand.
Shoe: And as the wide perspective helpfully reminds us, these trees have no plumbing. “Down the drain” means “fucking wherever.”
MW: Tommy is not like most other guys. He is smooth and cultured.
S4th: Credit where it’s due, this was actually a cute moment that managed to not be offputting.
DT: Yup, Mumbles is dead. Or at least he would be dead in the real world if a ‘non-lethal’ round went off right frikkin’ NEXT to him! His new name is ShrapnelFace.
RMMD: “And by ‘here’ I mean this stool. Bring on the food, Mae Mae, I’m gonna be here a while!”
MW: When someone pulls out the tired, “I am NOT like other guys!” (I’ll throw women in there, too) it’s usually:
a. A big fat lie
b. Referring to something WAY more interesting than yogurt, fro or no.
@oldgold: “MW: Tommy is not like most other guys. He is smooth and cultured.” And contains many bacteria which will contribute to the health of your digestive tract.
@MKay:
“b. Referring to something WAY more interesting than yogurt, fro or no.” He is both colder and firmer than you would expect.
MW: If they come across a disheveled Johnny Long crawling out of the woods, we can finally get some closure on the last story.
Zits: I was worried for a second that Jeremy had just had a spontaneous orgasm.
DtM: Henry has secretively been experimenting with wearing women’s clothing for a while. He’s actually got on some silk panties right now. He’s holding that blouse right at crotch level wondering if any of the salespersons know about his embarrassing fetish.
Beetle Bailey: Killer isn’t even being subtle about it anymore. He’s a sexual predator and he’s going to embrace it.
MW: Also, what world does Moy live in where most guys hate frozen yogurt? Maybe at its inception, when it really was just frozen yogurt, but these days fro-yo is near indistinguishable from ice cream.
JP: “It feels like, well…you’re being written out of your own story.” Is this Marciuliano’s subtle way of telling us that the strip is about to become about the adventures of Ann, Bogdan, and traumatic brain injuries?
Alice: Given the impossible perspective of Alice’s eyes, she seems to be an early work of cubism. That would date her back to 1910, making her 116 years old. You can’t tell she’s a day over 100, though. Clearly, she’s well curated.
Mary Worth: FroYo? Well, now we know what they make at Foofram Industries, where Hi Flagstone and Thirsty Thurston work!
I have given up hope the atrocious art in Gil Thorp will ever improve.
GT: I’ve been wondering what this wedding-planning storyline has to do with sports and whatnot but as he been gradually offloading all of the hard work and effort on to other people while he stands to reap the benefits and recognition, I can see that he’s simply figured out how to apply his “coaching” style to other aspects of his life.
JP: Save this meta stuff for Sally Forth. Just give us our crime-fightin’ judge, Ces, or, you know, anything nominally interesting nominally more interesting that this self-pity blather!
Phantom: So I guess those images of Extremely Jacked Python we saw a few weeks ago represented how Phantom thinks of his former foe, but today when we see him in person, he finds that he is more realistically a Very Fit Python.
SlyFox: Fine, no sand on Harry Ape’s feet, whatever, but does no one question the wisdom of Leena Lynx wearing a “diamond-studded bracelet” in the pool? How do we that it didn’t simply fall off in the water and get sucked into the pool filter—how do we know if she really had a “diamond-studded bracelet” in the first place? I mean, when did she make this so-called “report” when she hasn’t even gotten out of the pool yet! She’s just screaming racial epithets at some guy while Slylock happened to be in the vincinity!
Yesterday’s post title used “cultured,” today’s has “yogurt” — is Josh sending coded messages? Or has he cut a sweet new sponsorship deal, and soon all the site ads will be for fermented milk products?
Mary Worth: The logistics of this spontaneous date bear investigation. They are sweaty in SoCal heat, stuck on a mountaintop.
Did they bike? Walk? More sweaty activity. Did Dawn drive? How can Dawn afford a car in today’s economy, let alone Tommy?
Maybe they will give up the FroYo quest at the trailhead, Dawn will Klarna some DoorDash, and have a casual hookup in the ensuing 45 min. wait.
Shoe: Frustrated accountant looking at the receipts; “I can’t even read these chicken scratches!”
“What do you expect? We’re birds! Dirty, disgusting birds!”
Mary Worth: Hi, I’m not Cthulhu, but I play him on TV. Have you ever wanted to smother a comic strip character with a pillow because you can’t stand to see him this way? Well, good news! Today’s Mary Worth was written for you. Available now for just nine convenient payments of $13.97, this treasured feeling can be yours forever. Act now and we’ll add a commemorative pillowcase with the face of your favorite smotherable Mary Worth character in needlepoint, and also Dawn. (Some restrictions apply. Offer void where prohibited by law.)
Alice: Oh, I don’t know. It’s 7:35 a.m. and I feel like one of my eyeballs is hanging out in space, I kind of get it. (It’s hard to eat Shredded Mini-Wheats with a mouth like that.)
Shoe: Charles Squab is who you go to for financial advice when you make chicken feed for a salary. Literally.
“Hey, Coach Babu, did you see that . . . well, I guess pop-up box that just appeared? The one that explained a sangeet?”
“Uh, what are you talking about, Coach? Are you getting enough water?”
[ONLY YOU CAN SEE ME GIL]
“That box! Right there!”
“Sure. Hey, can we get the medic over here?”
[THE FIFTH SUN RISES, GIL. TAKE UP THE BLADE]
“OK, box. Epee or sabre?”
[MAYBE WE SCREWED UP ON THE CHOSEN ONE, GUYS.]
MW. Tommy storylines are always about battling addiction while Dawn’s are about bad choices in men brought on by being the daughter of Wilbur. Flash forward to three weeks from now, when both are sprawled on a couch in filthy sweatpants, twenty pound heavier, screaming about needing their yogurt fix.
MW;
“Oh, is that what you call it, Tommy? – I’ve always referred to it as ‘zen-gurt‘ !”
JP … and with that knowing look, April and Randy are dropped, Charlotte becomes a normal kid, and Sophie comes by the next day – ‘Norway? why would you think I was off in Norway?’ – as they kick off a courtroom storyline. (Hey, we can dream.)
RMMD Oh, I’m not just relocating to town, I’m spending so much time in the restaurant that I think I’m growing literal roots here. Seriously, I can’t seem to get up, I’m stuck. Happened around my third refill, what *do* you put in your coffee here?
Shoe:
“I lost money dabbling in derivatives, but that’s water under the bridge.”
Huh. Men, I’m sorry that society is pressuring you into not being able to enjoy a delicious yogurt. Perhaps it’s time to start selling it in tactical packaging with manly flavours like beer and beef.
***
Alice gives off strong Phyllis Diller vibes, which would make her (checks Wikipedia) 109 next month. Good for her.
***
I will forgive all of Gil Thorp‘s sins from the past decade or two if the strip devotes an entire week to just doing a full Bollywood number.
@Asenath: All excellent points, but I’m confident the strip will ignore the logistics. Tomorrow they’ll be sitting in the Fro-Yo shop, probably at the kind of small table that hasn’t been seen since Normal Rockwell died, holding their spoons unnaturally and sharing platitudes. Such is young romance in the Worthiverse.
“But I thought my assets were all in guano, which is, you know, sort of solid, sort of liquid? I’ve been hoarding it in my house, waiting for the day an American schooner would come along and claim it!”
“Damn it, I told you the Americans haven’t made a claim under the Guano Islands Act since 1997, and even that was overturned. Why didn’t you invest in crypto like I recommended?”
“Well, there’s shit, and then there’s shit.”
Gil is a bit stuffy and conservative, but he is very open-minded. You propose him a non-European ceremony he doesn’t have to put any effort in? I’ll approve it!
I could joke that 70 and 30 refers to temperatures, but I absolutely refuse to learn Fahrenheit
GT I don’t know what’s more off-putting: something about the first panel makes it sound like Gil has been spouting off about wedding drama and expecting people to step in and help because he’s The Important One (dude, how about *you* help with the wedding planning?) or how Babu acts like everyone should know what a sangeet is (fun or not, the fact there isn’t an English word for it should tell you the likely familiarity to expect, does she enjoy getting people to guess whether they’re agreeing to an easily-added bit of festivities or something expensive and onerous??)
FC-Let’s hope it was better than Mommy’s production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
MW-I figured Dawn would be into chocolate soft serve.
MW-No completion of that thought from yesterday?
Shoe! — Really, you can’t work “nest egg” into a financial planning consultation involving birds?
@CanuckDownSouth:
Alan Parker suddenly bolts straight-up in his bed covered in cold sweat! He looks at the glowing iridium dial of his Little Ben clock. 2:10 a.m. A feckless moron son, a daughter in prison, himself in prison, a feckless moron nepo-baby failson, CIA assassins, whatever that mess of a family Sam had, bizarre pop culture references he didn’t and does want to get! What a nightmare—except for Bodgan—what a weirdly endearing figment of imagination! Well, there’s no going to back to sleep now! He grabs a pack of Pall Malls from the bedstand and lights up. He makes his way to his desk a pour a snifter of brandy. He looks at the calendar. June 4, 1956. Come sunrise he’s going to solve some crimes, even though that’s not in any way a judge’s job. All is right with the world.
GT: “I really appreciate it. That’s sweet Babu.”
“I am not your sweet babu!”
Alice: I know this one! It’s because seventy ate-y ninety!
RMMD: By the way, Doug. I just bought this dump with a fraction of my movie earnings. You work for me now. One more thing, by tomorrow morning get all of your stuff cleared out of MY office.
MW: Years ago I stumbled on a magazine article (probably in a doctor’s waiting room) where actress/model/person famous for being famous/Princeton grad Brooke Shields was giving health and beauty advice. She claimed the calorific and fat content in frozen yogurt was only slightly less than ice cream, almost negligible. So you might as well enjoy your ice cream. Joke’s on you, Dawn.
“Most guy aren’t into yogurt”. We didn’t need confirmation, but here it is: Dawn doesn’t know anyone from the Middle East. Or any boy who poops regularly
Fro-yo sounds great Dawn. Just give me a second to relieve myself against this rock here. There, that’s better. Hope you enjoyed that sneak preview. As I was saying, I’m not like most guys.
GT – Coach Thorp’s wry smile suggests he thinks his assistant means a “shivaree,” which he wholly approves of, because a bunch of people banging on pans and hollering outside their window sounds a lot more entertaining than having sex with Beth, which frankly has been getting kinda boring lately.
DT: Continuity! Where is the continuity person? In the previous strips the chief and grenadier were stage right shooting and pointing towards the left. Now the shot is seen landing with Mumbles facing the right side. Yes, this is a reverse angle but couldn’t the artist just flip the image? Without a wide angle shot it breaks the flow. Plus the grenadier has an odd grip – not having launched any grenades would someone grip what looks like a revolving magazine??? Finally, physics – look at the arc of the grenade as it lands near Mumbles. That is a far steeper arc than the way it was launched.
Dustin: Isn’t Ddad some type of good lawyer? Why is he snacking out of a machine? Doesn’t his office have a box of donuts brought into the break room?
GT: So Mama Thorp is out because Gil is marrying down?! Now we’ll have a high school musical wedding?
JP: Finally, Judge breaks the intellectual fourth wall. He realizes that he is BEING written out of the strip – it only took years of Sam Driver, CIApril, Needy Neddy, the two ditzy girls and now Charlotte. I guess since all of those strips bombed (unlike the Fritzy Ritzy to Nancy transformation) the creators are going back to the ole Judge. Oh, man that is a big burger! No wonder the Judge sneaks out for them. He is getting value for his money!
MW: Most guys don’t have action posable arms – look at my akimbo pose!
Phantom: Remember kids, always use Phantom brand locks, a brand you can trust! Oh, the skull does not have any unsavory connotations with groups from WWII. We were here first.
Slylock Fox: Max was too busy staring at Leena Lynx’s bust that he left himself wide open for the dreaded rear admiral!
Alice: I’m not sure I want to be hearing about body positivity from someone who looks like Picasso’s night terrors.
GT: “Um, sure! I, the whitest white man to ever exist, and my fiancee who’s ethnicity is vague but unimportant to the writers and myself, are absolutely including this specifically northern Indian custom in our wedding festivities.”
MW: I’m guessing Moy still thinks of frozen yogurt as “ice cream for health nuts,” but in my area the places that serve it are mainly build-your-own-sundae deals that allow you to pile on as many toppings as you like and then price the ensuing concoction by weight. I want to see Tommy and Dawn talking about how important it is to stay healthy while eating fro-yo covered in hot fudge, sprinkles, gummi worms, and at least three different kinds of crushed candy bars.
@cheech wizard: He’s also familiar with the musical Oklahoma! and assumes said shivaree will end with him shanking Coach Permawave in a fight and being subsequently absolved in a hastily assembled sham trial.
GT – Reading Gil Thorp is just like watching Clutch Cargo, only without the animation.
MW – All my life I’ve been searching for the perfect pickup line, and I’ve finally found it. Put your hands on your hips and jauntily bellow, “Hey, I’m in the mood for some frozen yogurt!“
Alice – LOOK ASKANCE AT ALICE!
GT – Thank goodness for that helpful hint or I never would have figured out how to pronounce “sangeet.”
That’s actually very consistent characterisation. Tommy is the kind of person who would say “I’m not like other guys” and Dawn is the kind of person who would say “I’m not like other girls”. They are both garbage and they deserve each other
Don Abundio, translated:
“It’s louder than ever!”
“Shall we try it again, babe?”
“It’s true! Kissing you reduces my tinnitus for a second!”
MW –
If you like pina coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
If you’re not into yogurt
If you have half a brain…
“Cosmo, if you want to pay off some debt, you could sell foot pics on OnlyFans”
“I know many humans do it, but I have bird feet with claws and floppy skin!”
“You think there is not a fetish for that? Sweet summer child…”
C’shaft: Cheer up, Eugene! I’m sure the assisted living facility has regular trips to the decaying waterfront where you can wallow in nostalgia to your heart’s content!
Dustin: My suspicion that the Kudliks’ endless diet wrangling is some kind of elaborate D/s play for them gains credence. There’s no way Dustdad could have gotten that stain from that donut unless he was actively trying to get punished for it later.
JP: If Ann needs a job, she could help repair the fourth wall that her dad just hammered through.
MT: I did not expect Mark Trail to call me out this hard on my social anxiety, but here we are.
FC – PJ always looks happy, no matter what the other melonheads are doing. He’s either secure and mentally healthy, or he’s gotten into Mommy’s special juice on a daily basis.
Gasoline Alley – Can we please skip to the appearance of Snuffy Smif and the other Hootin Holler gang? It’s going to be excruciating, and I’d like to get it over with.
JP – BEING written out of his own story? That ship sailed years ago.
Rex Morgan – It’s official! Mae Mae has been promoted from a beloved guest character to a beloved regular character.
9CL – Reminder: Polly married the French Canadian guy, Guy. They boinked furiously for a few strips, and he hasn’t been seen or mentioned since. What happened to him?
@TheDiva:
No need, he’s already replacing it with a wall of text.
MW:
Guys aren’t into yogurt? Didn’t Dannon have an ad campaign un which various centenaruans in the Caucusus Mountains were shown as chomping down ion yogurt, with their longevity being attributed to their doing so — and weren’t many of those denizens guys?
Alice: Well, Alice, that depends on whether “look 70 at 70” means looking like, say, Harrison Ford in 2011 or Jane Fonda in 2007 (when they were 70) or looking like Wilford Brimley in 2004 or Irene Ryan in 1972 (when they were 70).
GT: Is Coach Babu related to Babu the restaurant owner in “Seinfeld” or maybe Apu from “The Simpsons”?
I have a feeling that if she keeps planning Gil & Beth’s nuptials, we’re headed for a big Homeland Security/ICE revenge raid at the Milford High gym (where, of course, the wedding will take place).
@I speak Jive: Mae Mae has been promoted from a beloved guest character to a beloved regular character.
Normally that would mean bumping one of the regular characters, but as @Charterstone: Dune pointed out just yesterday, that’s a fait accompli with Rex absent from his own strip for over 100 days.
@Ken: You’re probably right, but we could jumpcut to Wilbur instead.
In some ways, Shoe‘s failure to commit to the avian bit is a blessing. I’m pretty sure the “drain” metaphor in this strip is nonsense. The characters all live in plumbing-free treehouses, and birds just poop wherever they stand, but I’m relieved that I don’t have to see that to read the strip!
@nescio:
Duuuuuude. Brilliant!
Alice: It’s good to know who Alice is always talking to! It’s the narration box in the lower-left corner, who just parrots Alice’s thoughts back to her like a first-gen chatbot. Alice thinks it’s her friend, or perhaps just a helpful hallucination, not like the hallucinations of amorous aliens that often surround her.
@Bob Tice:
True, but that was Soviet Georgia. What else they got? Cucumbers, bad bread and bathtub vodka?