TRIUMPHANT RETURN (to discover that Wilbur is still [gestures vaguely] you know, his whole deal and whatever)
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Mary Worth, 7/27/26
Did you, Wilbur? Did you change? Did you change, Wilbur? Is that what you think? That you changed your behavior and general vibe, somehow? Is that your perception of the situation? That you changed? Interesting. Interesting!
Hello, faithful readers! I am back from my vacation, grateful as ever for Uncle Lumpy for filling in for me and grateful as ever to you for your very kind contributions to the Summer Fundraiser! You’ll all be getting your individualized thank yous soon enough, but first: today’s comics, full as usual with violence and mayhem!
Hagar the Horrible, 7/27/26
I honestly first read this as “their mood stabilizer” and assumed that the joke was that Hagar’s men, bored and antsy after who knows how long at sea, had turned on one another. But no, the joke is that Hagar is filled with deeper violent impulses than any of us imagined, impulses that cannot be controlled even with the best of 10th century pharmaceutical science, and has beaten his men bloody in a terrifying episode that it seems he’s completely forgotten about mere moments later. Quick, Lucky Eddie! Strike now, while he’s calm, and either rescue your fellow crewmen or earn your place in Valhalla!
Pluggers, 7/27/26
When it comes to rain, a plugger knows it’s either too much, which provides a perfect cover for strangling a frog, or not enough, which increases the risk that someone will see you strangling the frog and you’ll get in trouble for it. That’s why pluggers are so effective at frog murder: they time it just right.
Herb and Jamaal, 7/27/26
Wow, that’s really profound, when you think about it that way! So I guess what you’re saying is that just owning things is enough, and I don’t have to ever clean them? Uh, for my family, this helps my family.
61 replies to “TRIUMPHANT RETURN (to discover that Wilbur is still [gestures vaguely] you know, his whole deal and whatever)”
Hagar the Horrible:
“I sure am glad that Beany lent us Cecil to make this voyage!”
Pluggers:
You’re a plugger if you conclude from looking at the Morton’s container that when it rains, it rains iodized salt.
MW: Wilbur changed, sure. He went from a competent adult man who was a bit of a schlub to a narcissistic animal-abusing man-baby incapable of functioning without Mary’s assistance. But that’s not something you brag about, Wilbur. That’s not something you tell people.
Mary Worth:
“Maybe people can change…after all, Tommy’s alley-dwelling acquaintance ‘Vin’ changed inexplicably to ‘Reno’ !”
MW: Gotta hand to the Moy for her chutzpah, this is the retcon to end all retcons…
GT: Princess Leia is NOT amused!
RMMD: They’re going to ring the doorbell and say they’re from ‘Corporate’ and they need to inspect the house for rare African termites or something, aren’t they?
Luann: Well, I guess since the Evansii confirmed that they will not be backing out of having Bwadoni become parents, this gives them nine months to speed-run towards resetting everything for the big relaunch. They’ve got to get Luann and Phil ‘their own place’, get Gunther out of the garden shed and back in the crummy van with Bets livin’ the cosplay life, pair off Tiffany with either Ox, Les, or ‘Kip’, etc.
SF: Finally, FINALLY we get to the %&$@’ing point of this time travel nonsense, and it was just your run-of-the-mill argument over money. If you’re going to have a psychotic break from reality, you might as well have some fun, and this whole thing has been wholly un-fun because first everyone has just been sitting around quipping and worrying instead of enjoying themselves going to touristy places that were still around in 1986 but have since been lost through neglect, natural disasters, etc.
Further, we know how this is going to end. Mark my words, Ces is going to pad this out until Labor Day, when suddenly everyone is back to the present, there is zero evidence they ever ‘time-traveled’, everything is exactly the way it was before (with some attempt at pithy understanding that ‘it HAS to be this way’) and Hilary will quip that their trip was only supposed to be a week and yet somehow she’s already due back at school while Sally says ‘just go with it.’
MW “After all, I changed: I used to have a modicum of dignity before the writer turned me into a pathetic, jealous drunk in the name of…whatever the opposite of ‘fan service’ is…”
H&J: “Then again, maybe I wouldn’t need so much food, or cleaner, if it weren’t for my filthy family and their grimy mitts.”
Pluggers’ grandchildren try to explain to them that “frogstrangler” is a problematic term even if “some of my best friends are frogs”
HtH: Judging from the size of his ship/ Hagar seems o be mon the low ed of the Viking affluence scale.
HJ :Sarah is unaware that the important part of cleaning a refrigerator is inside. Bentley, like Herb. must be a former quality control technician. His commitment to consistency is unshakeable.
Rationalist science tries to control the berserker rage and switch it on and off according to the need of capitalist profit. But you cannot control a mystical state! If Odin demands blood, you give it to him!
Dr. Zook’s prescription was trepanation followed by several rounds of Hail Marys and Our Fathers. Hagar being illiterate and still indifferent to the White Christ of the southerners, he was unable to remember the prayers and found his rage merely doubled by the headache.
@The Quiet Man: I must admit to some curiosity (read “gaping at the auto wreck”) about what plan the twins (read “Beatty”) will come up with for this surveillance. I fully expect they’ll try to pull it off while still dressed identically and without changing their distinctive hair color.
MW Sure you’ve changed – before you acted like a jerk when alcohol lowered your inhibitions, *now* you don’t need booze for that at all
MT So in a world with primate sanctuaries all over the map, and animal hospitals able to deal with dozens of sick gorillas, sure, “rehoming” them is also easy – your local petting zoo could take one in, right?
JP Is there some new all-postpubescent-women-must-wear-skirts rule in this comic?
HtH: Did the doctor prescribe a beating for the crew? Why is Hagar’s sadism his responsibility? We may be witnessing the birth of malpractice insurance here.
MW: Wilbur has more than proven that drunk or sober, he’s still a dumb douche. How many weeks before THAT lightning bolt strikes?
PLUGGERS: Pluggers obsess about the weather because they want to mow their lawns every other day.
GT: Kaz’s joke is bound to bring Keri marching in with a protest sign. Because the bride and groom can’t expect their wedding to be about THEM!
RMMD: They’ll be completely unrecognizable in matching Groucho glasses.
DtM: Dennis has spilled the jar of kerosene all around Mr. Wilson’s chair. Just out of frame, Mr. Wilson’s lit pipe is falling to the floor. Mrs. Wilson, nihilist that she is, looks on in silent appreciation.
Phantom: My guess is that Not!Elmo is going to fit Purple Stripeybutt with the Tchotchke Anklet, only for Kit to overwhelm it and destroy it and all connected A.I. through sheer willpower.
Herb’s wife thinks that love is stronger than germ theory. This is the path to explosive diarrhea and a job in the Department of Health and Human Services
Of course Wilbur’s changed! He’s parting his combover on the other side, he’s talking a pensive walk at sea level instead of drinking on top of a cliff, and he’s starting wearing a mustard coloured polo to hide the inevitable stains.
“Dr Zook is a poor doctor, but a great scientist! His time machine brought us miraculous things such as this spy glass and the term ‘mood stabilizer’!”
Phantom/RMMD: “Hello! We want to give you and your family these free ankle bracelets for you to put on this instance, for reasons!”
I was going to make fun of how the plugger is holding the umbrella and I picked up an umbrella to test it and that is how I hold an umbrella! Going to sit with this.
Today’s Mary Worth is what this Friday’s Crankshaft is going to be: the strip claiming that Ed is a good guy deep down, and he’s being unfairly bullied by these Internet-addicted children. Just like Wilbur Weston thinks he’s changed, Ed Crankshaft’s going to think he’s a victim. When’s one of the worst human beings in human history, and would be widely despised by everyone. Especially anyone who ever had him as a bus driver, which is a huge number of people in this small town.
Luann: This is inappropriate in two different directions. It’s implied that this is the first time Phil and Luann are meeting after she came back from Get Luann Out Of The Strip For Six Weeks Camp. And now they’re going to make out right in front of Luann’s own mother, her own friends wouldn’t even let them make out in a car in private. The only explanation is that somebody declared Phil and Luann’s relationship acceptable over that time. Which is not how the world works, unless Luann is fundamentalist propaganda.
People can change! But not comics strip characters! Stuck where they were when they were first created decades ago! Unless the syndicate hires a younger writer who decides to give a modern spin to the strip
Hägar the Horrible: Who wakes up in the morning and thinks “Let’s write a joke about mental illness and violence, with Vikings”? Who wakes up and thinks “Let’s start that joke with ‘We need to hold Dr. Zook accountable'”? Cartoonist, heal thyself!
@Ettorre:
People can change! But not comics strip characters! Stuck where they were when they were first created decades ago! Unless the syndicate hires a younger writer who decides to give a modern spin to the strip
We now call this getting “Fritzi Ritzed”.
Mary Worth: Very nice, very subtle tribute to Nancy‘s “three rocks” meme in panel two there.
Wilbur may be thinking about the concept of “Cambridge change,” where a change in anything means that everything now has a new property. So when Tommy stops being a druggie, Wilbur loses the property of “being such that Tommy is a druggie.” In this way, everything is connected to everything else, which means everything is connected to Wilbur! Gross.
Sure, we enjoy chuckling at the most obvious anachronism, such as ‘mood stabilizer’ or the spy glass. But we are connoisseur of mangling of history! For example, ‘Dr’ Zook? The first university was Bologna, opened in 1088, AFTER the end of the Viking age! Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder!
@Old School Allie Cat: Sometimes a new writer gives a character a new personality (e.g. Mark in ‘Mark Trail’). Or they even give the character A personality (e.g. Rusty in ‘Mark Trail’)
Pluggers: According to the Dictionary of American Regional English, “frog strangler” (or more commonly “toad strangler”) is a well-attested Southern expression for “torrential rain.” At least it was in the 1960s, when DARE’s data was collected. Pluggers delight in dying variations on folk expressions, can confirm, gosh, this is all starting to make too much sense now.
Gah…comics mocking muscles rusty and contracted…shouldn’t have taken that week off while Josh was away…
MW: Wilbur DID change. He finally switched out that nasty maroon polo shirt for a nasty mustard-colored t-shirt. (If there’s also a diaper involved, I don’t want to know about it.)
@Banana Jr. 6000: On Luann – Yeah! With all these ‘teehee’ baby-making shenanigans, I’d totally forgotten that Luann was off at Totally-NOT-Camp Mystic being the bestest counselor who ever counselor-ed. What happened to the kid dealing with incontinence? The other counselors who liked to talk with their eyes closed and mouths wide open?
Luann left the place a smoldering ruin, didn’t she? ‘Gee, I only used a *little* lighter fluid at the bonfire…
@Banana Jr. 6000:
On Crankshaft : Sure, Batiuk could go the “feel sorry for Crankshaft who is being unjustly bullied! Being turned into the object of mockery for the Internet is a serious issue!” route, but he could also be going “these two school-age idiots are not realising that antagonising Crankshaft, who will VERY SOON hold a position of authority over them (as their bus driver), is a REALLY bad idea” route (ie, the “Crankshaft gets revenge on those two little shits” route).
I mean, both are kinda grating, but I feel as if the latter is more “honest” with what kind of character Crankshaft is (ie, a child-hating cranky old man who treats inconveniencing others as a competition), at least.
I really don’t want to hear a Plugger’s description of Jim Henson.
@matt w: That kind of thinking went out with MySpace. Every user was automatically a friend of Tom the creator, which meant every user was one step away from every other user.
Or something like that. I may not be remembering the details correctly.
@Anonymous 35: Yes, that is another possibility. But it will be a pretty weak revenge when it’s what he already does to every child, anyway.
It’s never bothered me before, but Hagar’s longship is just an oversized canoe! It can seat five guys! Viking longships should carry up to 80 warriors.
Are the Horribles and their neighbors just extremely dedicated cosplayers? Is it all a tradwife influencer thing, just following a very different “tradition?” And how much murder is involved? All important questions!
MW-Wilbur changed the same way a leopard changes it’s stripes.
RMMD-Under the covers with June? I like where this is heading.
MW-“Maybe people can change. After all I did.” No. No you did not.
FC-“So we’re stuck in this circle forever then?”
Dustin-“Meg, you have an OnlyFans page. Am I OnlyFans material?”
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: And tomorrow’s Pluggers will use the phrase “wicked smaahhht.”
I don’t want to use the word “gaslighting” but do you ever suspect that Mary Worth has become a prolonged psychological experiment to determine if a daily comic can make people start to question reality?
***
As it turns out, “frog strangler” is a real phrase and it’s American. As a representative of the English-speaking rest of the world, it’s my duty to revoke your use of the language and inform you that from this day forward the official language of the United States shall now be Lithuanian. Prašau, stenkit?s nesugadinti savo naujos kalbos.
Gah, the first snarkable Arlo and Janis in years and I miss it by one day!
Look out, Janis—it’s Crazy Eddie!
@The Quiet Man: Well, that’s just Luann serving her proper purpose in a fundamentalist world: becoming a useless man’s long-term partner, so they can make babies together. The fact that Luann went to summer camp with her own goals and ambitions is of zero relevance. Remember when this was about paying for a new apartment?
@Tabby Lavalamp: The year 2026 has presented us all with so many things that make us question reality that Mary Worth would be… well, about as irrelevant as it really is.
@Uncle Lumpy: knowing Jimmy Johnson’s sense of humor it might BE Lucky Eddie. Or maybe Arlo wearing a funnel as a hat.
MW – Wilbur changed from an insufferable prick to a semi-sufferable prick….
HtH – The beatings will continue until the mood stabilizer improves….
Pluggers – A Plugger welcomes a heavy rain event. Then people can’t tell he’s pissed his pants….
H&J – If you can’t have the filthy refrigerator you want, why not try wanting the filthy refrigerator you have….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
Liagar? Who the hell is Liagar? I read this comic for Hagar, butcher of men and ravager of castles, not Liagar the Mediocre, the Viking so forgettable there’s not even a Wikipedia page about him.
“Tommy, I have decided to believe in you! If I can change, you can change and become just like me!”
“Really?! Then it’s back to drugs for me!”
MW: Wilbur’s walk of self awakening backfires when he absentmindedly strolls into a pool of quicksand.
MW: Wilbur, the last time we saw you, you were ignoring an International Workers’ Day worth of red flags in order to get physical with a serially homicidal woman who probably wasn’t mentally competent enough to consent to it, and who was attracted to you based on your resemblance to her own brother. I don’t think you’re the model of self-improvement you and Karen Moy think you are.
Mary Worth:
“But my brother Orville says I am ‘flighty.’ Go figure.”
Vikings knew of only two things that were poor substitutes for mood stabilizers – beer and mead. The artwork would work perfectly if the storyline were about a drunken brawl.
C’shaft: “Man, I LOVED you in ‘Fifteen Horrifying Highway Collisions’!”
Dustin: “You are establishing a paper trail for when we run off and frame him for our murder, right?”
GT: Geez, how long has Kaz been telling stories about Gil’s unexamined racism?
MT: Ugh, is Gail going to become another lame recurring villain like the tech-bro guy and the pesticide-spraying landscape artist?
Phantom: “Or will you just spout more trite Orwellian slogans at me?”
RMMD: What are you going to do, where a fake mustache and some glasses like–never mind, that’s exactly what you’re going to do.
Pluggers – Joseph W. Thomas’s other Pluggers suggestion (mercifully, not shown): “This is a real chicken-choker.”
Hagar – So if it’s Hagar’s mood stabilizer, why is Dr. Zook to blame? These days, when a comic strip is awkwardly worded, incoherent garbage, I usually figure it’s AI that needs to be held accountable.
@Uncle Lumpy, @brendancalling: Lucky Eddie is the guy with the mermaid fetish; Crazy Eddie is where Janis bought that TV!
Dustin Wimmen, am I right? They don’t know much, but they know how to spend men’s money.
Don Abundio, translated:
[Sign: RUGS]
“These fairways are getting overgrown”
“And that green, it’s a disaster”
“Ah, the groundskeeper’s been here at least”
“Can you get me a cart?”
Hagar the Horrible : the real humor here stems that when Dr Zook told them “Berzerker rages? Try this fly agaric mushroom powder, it should help”, he was telling the truth, it’s just that there was a misunderstanding when Hagar and Eddie asked for medecine to “help with [their] berzerker rages”.
I guess Vikings had Visine™,the boat got the red out of its eye.