Ongoing drama
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Bizarro, 7/28/26
Well, I’m excited to see that Bizarro’s Crash Test Dummies Stories weren’t just for Uncle Lumpy; now we’re fully into week two and things are getting dark. What do you mean you’re comparing your beloved to a brick wall, the very thing you and she are hurled painfully against over and over again day after day, and what do you mean she’s purring in delight at the comparison? Can’t believe they put this in the newspaper where anyone could see it, if anyone read the newspaper.
Gil Thorp, 7/28/26
Speaking of things that are still happening, the wedding of Gil Thorp is still happening in Gil Thorp, and today we learn that Marty Moon has finished his transformation from boring-ass high school sports radio reporter to multi-hyphenate content creator and influencer by becoming a DJ. Sorry if the first dance at your wedding is ruined by the DJ shouting “I’m [reggaeton airhorn] DJ MOON” every 15 seconds, but Marty has a #brand to maintain and/or establish.
Hi and Lois, 7/28/26
I really enjoy the drawing of Lois in panel one here, an asymmetrical close-up that lets you see how her face is assembled out of a series of curves. I also like how unsettled she looks in panel two. Does the suffering of some people bring profit to others? Is that truly the world we’re living in?
Archie, 7/28/26
A fun thing you realize reading Archie comics as an adult is that, despite the fact that their target audience is teenagers, a lot of them are actually about how teenagers are annoying and kind of stupid.
70 replies to “Ongoing drama”
Bizarro:
“I’m no dummy! — you’re just trying to ply me with blandishments!”
Zits: Today’s strip is tomorrow’s Pluggers: “All snack foods are single serving if you try hard enough.”
Gil Thorp: This wedding’s timeline is screwing me up: the bride and groom took off for the honeymoon in an ancient airplane a few strips ago, now they’re doing their first dance. Did someone drop the storyline on the floor and forget to sort them chronologically after picking them up?
@Baja Gaijin: Gil Thorp: I think they load the strips into a cartoonishly oversized blunderbuss and whatever order they hit the wall is the order they run.
Gil Thorp:
“Let’s start our set with a feelgood number, chosen by the happy couple themselves, which describes Gil’s personality to a ‘T’ — Nine Inch Nails’ ‘Head Like a Hole’ !”
JP: HEY, that’s OUR line!
JP2: ‘I’m passing on your pitch. Now if you’ll excuse me my brother Schmelon Schmusk has got something cooking over in ‘The Phantom’ and I wanna get in on the ground floor for the screen rights!’
Ph: I notice someone in the undistinguished background mass still has a spear. They could end this farce right now… just sayin’.
RMMD: So how’d the Dumblement Twins score that big honkin’ SUV they’re spying from? Did they scam it out of Summer after she got it from the stalker who wasn’t actually a stalker and then killed the actual stalker?
Hi and Lois:
Mr. Franchisee looks like a body double for Hi, only with alopecia.
H&L: They’re real hoarders. In fact, they haven’t been able to get to their bathroom in years so don’t go in the yard.
When Big Moose is giving you a “Man, is this guy stupid!” look, you know you’ve sunk pretty low.
Gil Thorp:
“Let’s someone hand the happy groom a pair of scissors so he can cut a rug!”
@2 Comically Challenged: That tracks.
JP Nobody get upset at the colourist – the polka dots added to Ann’s blue dress today are purposefully emphasizing her quick-change trick between yesterday’s wrap-top and today’s scoop-neck style.
MT And now we see that Mark and his dad somehow missed the bunkers and tiny cages dotting the gorilla ‘sanctuary’. Maybe Gail can escape to Phantom and give the Wambesi some prison-building advice?
Archie: Having found the keys, they turn around and push the car all the way back to the beach. I hope someone thinks t shift it into Neutral this time.
Archie : …Since when is Archie’s car a normal-looking convertible rather than a Ford Model-T-looking shitmobile?
…I’m actually asking seriously here, when did the “haha, Archie is driving an obsolete shitmobile from the late 19th century” sight gag stop being used? Because I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t like, the mid-1970s AT EARLIEST.
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Bizarro : TWO WEEKS of crash test dummy jokes? Is there any reason for it, or…?
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Snuffy Smith : why would anyone assume the lemonade was “frozen”? I don’t think it’s possible for Snuffy Smith’s hovel to have a working freezer, ice box or even cold room (cold hole-the-ground-that-serves-as-a-cellar?), at least not in the summer (in the winter, he probably doesn’t have a single spot in his home that’s not frozen).
…Heck, this joke would have worked better as a “Was this lemonade frozen or squeezed?” “Squeezed! I squeezed all the powder from the pack MYSELF”.
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Crankshaft : I wonder if this is Batiuk talking about something that did happen to him, like he was approached by someone offering to make a Funkyshaft-inspired video game, but refused them once he realised it was based on the perception of the strip from the people who make fun of it online (“this game is about being morose, getting cancer, and MONETISING your having cancer so you can steal other people’s awards!”).
The rest of the week should tell us.
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Hi & Lois : “These people are”? What’s with the demonstrative pronoun indicating closeness, and the present tense? Is Lois selling a home that’s currently inhabited, by people that are there on the premises with her while she gives the tour? ’cause if she IS, this strip would be better if the people in question WEREN’T selling their HOME, and got really agressive about it at Lois and her customers about it
(like, beating them up level agressive).************
Luann :
a) If the parts of Luann’s camp adventure we didn’t get to see (because remember, the parts we DID get to see, she immediately wrote letters to Phil about) were so exciting, why did we completely cut away from it? I mean, Bernice fuming about how much she hated her friends for having something to do this summer while she didn’t was good and all
as concrete evidence that she really IS a bad person, but if there was actually something interesting happening to Luann at camp…b) I could have sworn Luann’s luggage going TO camp was smaller than what she brought back. Either the Evansii got told that Luann’s “packing light” at the start of the storyline was packing too light for a DAY CAMP; or the implication is that Luann mistakenly
stoletook things from her campers.So, Archie left the top down on his convertible and he. . . unlocked the door with his key? Or locked it (with his key) when they arrived, so anxious to get out for some fun in the sun before the shrooms wore off?
Archie – why did they even use the keys for the convertible? The accusation of teenage dumbness is really amped up here.
@15 Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women: Archie was hopped up on goofballs.
@Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women: Sorry – I apparently had the same thought and was writing just as you posted.
@Anonymous: On Luann – We cut away because that’s when the rain started, and with the Camp Mystic tragedy back in the news recently, no one’s taking any chances.
Bizarro: Nonsensical compliment aside, I’m really curious about those coffee cups. Where does the coffee…go?
GT: I really appreciate that second panel which seems to be taken from the perspective of someone who’s in the process of passing out from too much booze and/or mescalin.
H&L: Guys, you realize that if you buy the place, you can’t charge to have the junk removed. I mean, maybe you could, but I think that would be revenue neutral? Maybe I just don’t understand business accounting.
Archie: I like how everyone’s expression is shock except for Moose, who is incandescent with rage. He is going to kick the shit out of his three teenaged friends, and maybe Mr Andrews to boot. He’s a legit psychopath!
You’d have thought Moose would’ve been ecstatic at the idea of pushing the car, but he, not Reggie or Jughead who have far better reason, is obviously going to be the one who’ll put Archie in hospital in Panel Four.
BIZARRO: If I were a sci-fi author, I’d be all over Planet of the Crash Test Dummies.
GT: Gil’s circle is suffocatingly small. Couldn’t he have a REAL DJ or wedding officiator?
MW: Taking a week plus to reach a conclusion is usually annoying, but in the case of Wilbur, it’s actually believable that he thinks at the rate of one complete idea per day.
@Anonymous: Re: Bizarro: Wayno just rediscovered the band that sang “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm.”
@Bob Tice: Hey, there are only so many ways to draw a face, and only so many hours in the day, said the cartoonist as he mixed another gin and tonic.
Gil Thorp: Wait till we find out DJ Moon’s #brand isn’t a play on his last name, at least not directly. Assless chaps, is what I’m talking about.
Didn’t Marty Moon have a vaguely antagonistic relationship with Gil Thorp for most of the time Josh was reading the strip, or at least wasn’t afraid to call him out on his talk radio show? Now he’s DJing his wedding? I mean, this might be related to his extended/repeated fall(s) from grace over the years, but still.
@Anonymous: re: Archie, Wikipedia gives 1983 as having a story with the 1916 jalopy destroyed and then later replaced with a 1960s unreliable Mustang
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Archie_Andrews
Don Abundio, translated:
“You know the tradition that a captain must go down with his ship?”
“What about it?”
“The Admiral takes that very seriously…”
“And I suspect he knows something about this boat that he hasn’t told us”
Hi and Lois: “Junk luggers franchise” is both maddeningly vague and yet tantalizing. It’s about to send me down a rabbit hole of speculation and Wikipedia links about business plans…[Flips strip over] Ah, found your problem right here: “Property of Herb and Jamaal.”
Six Chix – “And your soda is drooling on the couch.”
Archie: Ha, it’s funny because they all died of heat exhaustion and smoke inhalation from Canadian wildfires!
Gil Twerp: So Gil hired Marty to DJ his honeymoon complete with bedside play by play?
“GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!”- DJ Marty Moon.
@Baja Gaijin: I think Gil and Mrs. Gil were going on a short celebratory flight with their “JUST MARRIED” banner (probably flying over the Coach of the Year ceremony a few times to rub Emily’s face in it) before moving on to the reception. Gil said something to Kaz about not cutting the cake before he arrived, apparently having forgotten that’s traditionally the new couple’s job anyway.
Hi and Lois – “I should warn you, these people are real hoarders. They’re not going to be impressed by fake hoarder wannabes like you guys. ‘Oh look at us, the back seat of our car has so much stuff in it there’s no room for passengers.’ Come on! Real hoarders have the whole car filled up to the roof except for a tiny space just big enough for the driver.”
Missing the fact that the keys are still attached to the car? It can happen, embarrassing but understandable. Pushing a car for several kms instead of calling a tow truck? How do you even breath?!?!
@Baja Gaijin, GT: You’re not the only one. The only thing to help is if Gil went back in time and reconciled with Clambake and Pops in person.
GT: Okay, everyone, let’s hear it: what song did they select for their first dance? Since Gil’s life revolves around sports and Beth’s (and everyone else’s) life revolves around Gil, I’m guessing something along the lines of “Get Ready for This” or “Whoomp! (There It Is).”
Archie: I was going to say that Reggie is a better friend than I’d assumed – he’s a rich kid, and instead of pushing the car, he could have called a Lyft and abandoned his friends – but then I looked at the group assembled here. Archie, Jughead, Reggie, and Moose?
This isn’t a group of friends! I don’t know what they were up to – please let it be a heist! – but “lost my keys at the beach” is an obvious fake alibi for their many crimes.
Bizzaro- The perfect couple, not only do they share bodily fluids, they share bodily parts.
The other boys, overexerted & dehydrated, beat Archie to a pulp right there on the street. Archie’s dad stands back and watches. “boy ain’t right” he thinks to himself.
Bizzaro – I must scream but I have no mouth….
GT – Grand Master Crap…
H&L – We’re from a shit hole country….
Archie – Fortunately, the gang’s crumpled Doritos (TM) bags and empty Big Gulp (TM) cups were safely secured in Archie’s locked convertible….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
@Baja Gaijin:
YES, it is like that ancient revered game, Three Panel Nancy. Photocopy classic Bushmiller Nancy Strips and cut them into panels. Randomly deal three panels to each player who then attempts to make a coherent story.
GT: Gil is flying to different exotic venues to recreate his wedding. Today he does Marty a solid by showing up at his DJ gig at (checks artwork) the island of Dr Moreau.
Crash test dummies based on female bodies have only been approved recently by the US government so this poor woman only has a concept of the hell that awaits her. Let’s see how lovey dovey she gets as she’s flying through a window into a real brick wall. Anyway, to the surprise of nobody you can find me on Bluesky.
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“Junk luggers” is the slang for twin siblings in a committed relationship with each other, apparently.
C’shaft: Please, Crankshaft was what, in his 70s when Pong came out?
DT: “Or it tells me that the companies give him early access to their products in return for promoting them publicly, like countless other influencers.”
Dustin: “Okay, Dad, you want to do this? Then tell me, what did you accomplish today? Swiping the last bear claw in the break room donut box? Hiding your fifth burger run of the day from Mom? Maybe sitting down with a client long enough so you can dismiss him as a criminal and a loser who doesn’t deserve assistance, even though helping him is literally your entire job?”
JP: Nice to see the extras from Annie are still finding work.
MW: Looks like Tommy figured out the best thing he can do for his continued sobriety is stay far, far away from the Westons.
RMMD: Honey, you’re in Rex Morgan. Nothing ever happens on this street, in this town, in this universe.
@pugfuggly: We’re on the same wavelength. I want to know why they have to-go cups, when they’re staying at the coffee shop!
Marty Moon’s too busy being Lou Bega to notice that the bride and groom just passed out mid-dance.
Gil Thorp-“I’m Marty Moon here at the honeymoon suit.”
RMMD-“Somebody’s coming out.” Well it’s about time Rex is finally doing something that we’ve been saying for years.
MW-Dawn, it’s been five minutes since you sent the text.
FC-“We want bottle water. If you want us to drink from the tap then we might as well drink from the toilet.”
Sex Organ,V.D.: “REX!!!! THERE’S A SUSPICIOUS CAR OUTSIDE!” “Which one,June?” “THAT ONE MARKED SCAMS ‘ R ‘ US!”
BIZARRO: “…because I’m gonna slam inta ya later tonight, if you know what I mean?” (“How romantic!”)
@Liam: Gil Thorp-“I’m Marty Moon here at the honeymoon suit.”
__________________________________________
“…….and…..its in the hole!”
As Marty . . . excuse me, DJ Moon . . . began to play Gil’s song, the ghost of past music apparated into the room. A waltz that a graduating class danced to before most of them were sent to the Western Front to die. The Lindy Hop, played the night before the market collapse heralding the Great Depression. A conga, a line formed of more young men who would be sent into the next war and the lovers they left behind. A sock hop of frenzied dancing in the shadow of nuclear Armageddon. Early Hendrix for young men again about to be sent out to die in a jungle. Some Michael Jackson. The music wavered in the throbbing air, vaporous notes and staffs, before fading in fear from the greatest tragedy it had seen yet – the marriage of Gil Thorp.
@pugfuggly: I think the idea is that the homebuyer will be able to profit by either A. Offering his services to the seller or B. Getting a discount on the home for the time and trouble of removing the junk, and then removing it himself for a nominal cost.
DON’T BE A DUMMY! FASTEN YOUR JOCK STRAP!
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This has been a public message from the Advertising Council ©2026 Vince and Larry Inc.
Gil Thorp:
“Honey! I’m leaning too far! Who angled this stupid panel?”
(WHUMP!!!)
“Oh no, I crushed my wife… that means… I’m single again!”
@Baja Gaijin: Goofballs!
H&L: “Does the suffering of some people bring profit to others? Is that truly the world we’re living in?”
For anyone in law enforcement, the medical profession, and charity/NGO work, the answer is yes.
@TheDiva: By my reckoning, Ed Crankshaft was born no later than 1919. The arcade machine Pong came out in 1972, though it became far more popular with home versions (and millions of clones) in 1975. That would make Ed about 56-60 at the game’s height.
I’m more annoyed that Batiuk has found a way to cram yet another content creation story, and two more content creators, into this world. Will Ed Crankshaft somehow win a Game Award to go with his CFL game ball?
I’ve been sitting here for the past 5 minutes trying to understand today’s Bizarro and it’s just not clicking. I get the connection between crash test dummies and brick walls, but how is it a compliment? Is there a joke here? Am I not awake enough to get it?
ARCHIE: Jughead: “Ugh, see! this is why I don’t like displaying effort!
@CanuckDownSouth: There was a story, where Archie tells Reggie that his old Jalopy wasn’t insured.
Reggie insists Archie go to insure it. Just to see Archie get laughed out of the building.
Archie says he doesn’t have the money for it, but apparently Archie’s shit-mobile is such an antique, that the employee is so in awe of it, that he insured it for free.
Low and Hi-Less : The competition for local radio commercial time between 1800 GOTJUNK and 1800 KARS FOR KIDS goes on.
How in the world is today’s Archie actually LESS funny, than that one Family Circus cartoon.
Thel (while driving): Why is that silly man honking his horn?
(Shows she left her purse on top of the car, while its still in motion)
The Familliar Mucus: “Honestly! How do you kids expect to.have your fat rendered properly if you keep running in here every time it starts to melt?!?”
@TheDiva: Given panel #1, I suspect “DJ Moon” is going to be dropping his own phat rhymes on this mutha.
@TheDiva: Based on the way Marty is dressing (did bro do a costume change or something? He was in his Tony Orlando cosplay when the guests were arriving), I figure the phrase “Annie are you ok? Are you ok, Annie?” is going to be used a lot.
Archie: Question. If four teenagers are capable of pushing a car home, from however far the beach is.
Why couldn’t they just walk to the beach in the first place?
Or in a desperate scenario.
“Hey Veronica, can you please call someone to tow my car home and have your Chauffeur give, me, Reggie, Jughead and Moose a ride back to my house? I’ll owe you a date.”
@Ettorre: Missing the fact that the keys are still attached to the car? It can happen, embarrassing but understandable. Pushing a car for several kms instead of calling a tow truck? How do you even breath?!?!
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Watching Moose beat the tic-tac-toe board out of Archie’s hair?: Priceless
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@GarrisonSkunk:
“Rex there’s a suspicious car outside!”
Buck is shown thrown out of a red car. With Archie, Jughead and Reggie glaring.
Moose: Duuuh…. stay out of Riverdale!
Archie: Now to the beach where nothing can go wrong!
What A Frazzhole! : Oh, the problems of those too smug for TV!
@TheDiva: Seven Nation Army….followed by “CHAAAARGE!”