Finally, a website for fans of Luann
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Luann, 9/24/26
Hey, remember how Toni got pregnant, as a result of shower sex with Brad? Probably you’ve been trying to purge that information from your mind, but tough shit, I’m telling you about the current Luann storyline so you have to get into the right headspace by recalling all the backstory. Anyway, Brad and Toni told the whole family and friend group about this blessed event, and they’re being as normal about it as you can expect. If you want to be normal about it, you can visit Luann Fan dot com, where you can vote on whether you want Brad and Toni to find out if it’s a boy, find out if it’s a girl, or, somewhat confusingly, wait to find out — in other words, you’re not actually taking a guess about the gender of their future child, but rather taking a guess about their experience of learning the gender, or, alternately, of forgoing the opportunity to do so.
The voting is via a janky looking Google Form, and you have to kind of respect that the Luann creative team went this route rather than, say, partnering with Kalshi to provide the opportunity to bet on buy a futures contract about what and if Brad and Toni would learn about their baby’s genital configuration, with the help of a trusted CFTC-regulated futures market partner. I guess they’re happy with the other revenue opportunities the Luann Fan dot com website generates, like the upcoming sale of Books One and Two of The Saga of Brad and Toni. Order now if you hate yourself and hate life!
Dustin, 9/24/26
Do you think this little girl knows that Dustin is an adult? Sorry, I know I should be focused on the bigger picture here, which is that this strip is unpleasantly transposing the “attractive, supercilious woman treats a hapless man with contempt” bit it loves to do with Dustin at fern bars onto children; but I’m just really hung up on the question of whether the girl knows that the neighbor kid here is friends with a grown-ass man in his twenties, or if she thinks this advice he’s relaying secondhand came from another child.
Mary Worth, 9/24/26
Sorry to not keep you up to date on what’s been happening in Mary Worth, but all that’s been happening in Mary Worth has been Nelly telling everyone about all the time Mary and Ian have been spending together, or other people telling each other what they’ve heard from Nelly. This has been going on for, like, a while, but she’s really going at it with dogged determination. Are you hearing impaired? Don’t think she’s going to withhold this information from you; she’s happy to yell it as loudly as necessary.
33 replies to “Finally, a website for fans of Luann”
MW [shout] They’re spending a lot of TIME together if you know what I mean – I can’t say it explicitly because we are SHOUTING so that EVERYONE IN THE BUILDING CAN HEAR, because THAT”S THE WAY TO KEEP GOSSIP PRIVATE. [/shout]
MW Poor Larry has led *such* a sheltered life. First his family never explained the “birds and the bees” properly so he thinks babies are made when a man and women spend a “lot of time” together, like when they move in. Then after missing out on relationships because he couldn’t hear when a woman was interested in talking let alone more, he gets hearing aids in his twilight years but nobody told him (1) to change the batteries as they wind down and (2) he can talk at a normal volume because other people can hear him just fine
MW Wow, does this ever look like a couple of people _over_acting a deliberate bit to get overheard. Are they putting on a show for Charterstone surveillance, trying to dethrone Mary by ratting her out to the Morality Police??
Luann: That’s our Bernice, the human black hole sucking all the joy out of the room. You do you, girl
Crankshaft: I’m sure Crankshaft’s no stranger to a, ahem, “droopy laserbeam” until he ordered some little blue pills from Bean’s End.
Dustin-That’s so sweet. Dustin got the kid an ice cream after murdering that girl.
Pluggers: Two paper sacks could hold all of a plugger’s groceries in the olden days before he ballooned up into a candidate for Fat Bear Week.
Beetle Bailey: Why is Beetle’s bed pillow sitting beside the General’s Brobdingnagian desk? I guess he’s “sleeping around.” With Beetle, slumber is all that’s going on.
MT It sure must be interesting living in a world where nature is set up like theme parks, with an underground river flowing through caverns wide and tall enough you could run ride boats instead of _ever_ being, well, _underground_ like a rocky pipe. I wonder what else happens here? Does the sun show a literal smiling face? Is the Moon forever a crescent, and only in the sky at night?
MW: Having been only a minor character in the last few stories, Mary decides to follow the old Hollywood adage: “Any publicity is good publicity” and nods approvingly as she watches her surveillance videos of Nelly spreading false rumors.
I keep hoping the gossip has never reached Toby because she is snugly tucked away in Jeff’s love nest.
Mary Worth:
“Hold that thought for a minute, Larry — I want to share the news with two other residents of Charterstone who might not yet have processed the message. Greta! Max! — Professor Cameron and that busybody Worth are so cozy with one another that I saw them sharing a strand of spaghetti together, just like Lady and The Tramp — if you know what I mean!”
“Woof!”
“Woof!”
Crankshaft : Yes Batiuk, that’s how it works, a laser, which is a beam of light, work the exact same way as a spray of liquid.
***************
Dustin : Right, view it as the equivalent of Dustin’s relationship with the random bar women, not the relationship with his sister (even though the dynamic is (distressingly) similar)
(though mostly because EVERYONE’S dynamic with Dustin is “reply to whatever he said with a vicious, overtly insulting remark”)**************
Luann : You can also vote on hair color and personality, which means you can make sure that Bernice’s prediction is completely wrong by voting early AND often!
(You can also vote on which last name the baby gets, and, improbably enough, on FIRST WORD)
*************
Mary Worth : the last time I came across people shouting scandalous rumors at each other about a cheating couple like this, it was a comedy sketch about dinner theatre, and that specific part was about how “stage whispering” is usually louder than normal speech, and how theatre actors tend to speak louder and more unnaturally than normal speech because they project their voices “to reach the guy all the way in the back row”.
************
Moose & Molly : ….hey, would this still be funny if, instead of Molly binge eating in secret, it was Moose drinking alone? …wait, no, the scenario I’m describing is the premise of Andy Capp, so apparently some people DO find the role-reversed version of this strip funny.
Dustin:
“Forget about my hypothesis, ‘Sherman’ — where’s ‘Mr. Peabody’?”
DUSTIN: “My friend Dustin says the reason you don’t like me is that you’re a lesbian.” Get the little incel started early.
RMMD: “Never a bad meal at Jordan’s, and better yet, almost no chance of running into that windbag, Truck Tyler.”
MW: “A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes”*
Except at Charterstone, where the lie has to find its orthopedics, cane and hearing aids and make five trips to the bathroom before it gets going.
*Mark Twain/old proverb
Luann:
It’s not entirely clear why more male babies are born than female. The traditional answer is that sperm containing only one X chromosome is lighter and therefore faster, but some research indicates female babies are more likely to die during pregnancy. In any event, thanks to factors such as males only having one X chromosome, they are more likely to die due to things like fatal birth defects, which evens the odds. What I’m saying is, if Luann Character I Don’t Know The Name Of really wants to give a thorough answer that stifles the joy Luann is feeling, she needs to start talking about the possibility of Brad and Toni’s baby dying.
@Anonymous: re: CS – Batiuk has discovered General Relativity’s Equivalence Principle but still doesn’t understand how the much faster speed of light gives a very different parabola than the water’s path
Luann What about noses? Are little pug noses genetically dominant as well? You know the type…
Dustin I like how that last panel implies that [blond child whose name I can’t remember] got Dustin a frozen dessert before breaking the news that hes a moron. Just to let him down a bit easier.
MW “In fact she’s ‘upstanding’ just across the room I’m looking at her right now!”
MW: If everything is in bold, nothing is in bold.
Luann: Somehow, having the Evansii delve into the world of genetics is more scary than “The Island of Dr. Moreau” and “GATTACA” combined.
Dustin: “Teasing is a sign of affection!” is a horrible thing to tell kids, reinforcing toxic attitudes about social and romantic relationships that often bear tragic fruit in adulthood. Frankly I’m kind of surprised Dustin hasn’t gone all in on the idea.
Luann: As I approach a half-century upon this Earth, I’ve been worrying a lot about the course of my life, if I’ve done the best I could with it and if anything I’ve done/will do has made a lasting impression, however small. But at the very least, I can say with pride that I haven’t spent any of my finite time on this earth filling out a poll for the Luann baby.
MW: Larry here is patient zero for the game of telephone that this rumor will become. Eventually Mary will hear that “Barry Forbes very much harried Nina Carson by mending a plot of thyme.” If you know what I mean.
Luann: I voted for Brad and Toni’s baby to be the Antichrist who will bring about the End Times and condemn the Earth to a thousand years of war, pestilence, famine and death. Anything to break up the usual Luann relationship drama plots.
MW: My theory is that Nelly was once upon a time Mary’s arch-rival in the Charterstone meddling game who suffered a catastrophic defeat at Mary’s hands — and that this entire storyline will turn out to be a feverish hallucination of a straitjacketed Nelly safely ensconced in Arkham Asylum.
C’shaft: “Hello, Skynet? Yeah, I’ve figured out the best place for the first strike…”
GT: “Jefferson Jeffs” is totally what they went to after realizing their original mascot was racist, isn’t it?
Pluggers eat a lot more than they used to and are aggressively denying the fact.
RMMD: “And as soon as I remember who you are and what our relationship is.”
MARY WORTH: “MARY WORTH AND IAN CAMERON ARE ‘SPENDING A LOT OF TIME TOGETHER’ IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! WHICH IS THAT THEY’VE LITERALLY BEEN SPENDING TIME TOGETHER AND THIS ISN’T A EUPHEMISM AT ALL, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! I SHOULD, INSTEAD, BE SAYING THINGS LIKE ‘MARY WORTH AND IAN CAMERON HAVE BEEN SPENDING LOTS OF TIME AT A COLDPLAY CONCERT, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! WHICH YOU SHOULD KNOW, BECAUSE YOU’RE OLD!”
MARY WORTH (2): Also I love that a repeated focal point of this ridiculousness has been the gossipees (?) saying variations on things like “I’m surprised at Mary Worth. She usually seems like such a upstanding person.” They apparently are not surprised about Ian though because he comes across as a shameless whore who’ll do it with anything that moves. (All of the Charterstone residents are upstanding people as well, since they know they are contractually obligated to praise Mary at all times, and they honor that commitment, even when they are slut-shaming her.)
Ian is married, but is he very much married? I hear he and his wife had a big fight about a parrot.
Luann: The Saga of Brad and Toni vols. one and two? In this economy?!
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV:
Volume one seems interesting because that HAS to be a montage of the story going from “Bwad is an idiot who’s going to both wash out of firefighter academy AND strike out with this attractive (but evil) girl who’s in love with her abusive boyfriend (and rooting for him to beat up Bwad)” to “OF COURSE BRAD BECOMES A HEROIC FIRST RESPONDER, *AND* GETS THE GIRL!”
Volume Two is probably just the “greatest hits” of the constant loop of “Bwad and Toni get horny, and decide to ‘try for a kid’, but give up after being reminded Shannon exists”, so it’s easier to pass on it.
Questionable Discontent:
I’m seriously impressed at Jeph Jacques. Normally, given enough time, even a bad writer will end up telling a good story, just by the laws of chance. But not Jephthy. Jephthy has a unique ability to turn literally any and every even remotely interesting tale into the lowest-stakes, most boring, most thematically irrelevant resolution possible. Such as this current so called story, which began with a WOOM noise and Moray turning purple, and after three or four pointless weeks, it turs out that the enpurplement was due to Emily playing with her phone. It takes real effort to make every story so pointless, and I’m here to say that I respect it.
People are so hung up on the “AI uprising” that they never considered the “Parrot Uprising”
Have you seen those youtube African Grey Parrot videos? They don’t merely repeat words, they are holding literal sentient conversations with their owners.
One parrot Cosmo, threated to poop in her owners’ coffee if she didn’t put her in a videochat with her parrot friend Gizmo.
I am not making this up.
I’m glad Mary Worth is really putting in the shoe leather to show us this rumor spreading. A lesser comic strip would have four days’ worth of strips like this before deciding that we get the gist, but Mary Worth is dedicated to showing us each link in the rumor chain until every single Charterstonian knowns. Wake me up in three months when Wilbur lays flowers on Aldo’s grave and says, “Oh, by the way, Aldo, you’ll never guess who Mary’s been cavorting with…”
GT: Borys can fly? That really seems like an unfair advantage.
Pluggers are going backwards in time to when paper bags didn’t exist, and have never been asked “paper or plastic”.
Zits: Having to look up John Belushi? Jeremy lives in an imaginary place where my boomer age peers don’t have a stranglehold on way too much pop culture.
Hagar and Honi actually share some nice daddy and daughter time. I could enjoy more of this.
Blondie: “Turkey (or chicken)” with hot onion rings? I appreciate hitting the meter and the right number of syllables but I expect better from a gourmand like Dagwood.
“Bacon cheeseburgers” was right there! Dagwood made Oscar Hammerstein weep.
Geared Gertie: A “Days of Thunder” reboot? Thanks for the warning, Gertie.
RMMD: Phew. That woman resembles Mary Worth juuust enough to give me a fright for a sec.
MW: Somewhere in that same building, Wilbur hears the news and raises his fist to curse God. “It should have me with Mary,” he bellows. “It should have been me.” The only person not concerned is Dr. Jeff. He knows Mary doesn’t put out.
Also Luann: “Brad and Toni led an expedition of sperm-harrowers in the shower and conquered Luann‘s fear of sex. Unfortunately, all their offspring were squat and nasty, which made them fit right in with the usual cast of characters, until they were murdered by Toni’s niece in a fit of jealous rage. And that is how Iceland came to be founded.” Huh. Maybe the Saga of Brad and Toni isn’t so bad after all?
Both Beetle Bailey and Gil Thorp made me laugh today. Is that what they call a “micro-fortune”?
Luann: Oooh! I can vote on hair color?
Can I vote for naturally green? To imply that Toni cheated on Brad with a forest Nymph (Or an anime character)?