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Mary Worth, 9/16/10

You know, in between all the drive-bys and the vigilantism and the reconciliation and the dropping dead, I think we lost sight of something important about this storyline: it was originally about two people who were afraid to love, not just one. We’ve stayed with Dr. Mike through every excruciating moment of his Journey to Wholeness, so we can truly appreciate the love-capable orange-suited human sitting before us. But Jenna’s thought balloon makes her problem seem much shallower. Mike had to watch his father die before the icy crust around his heart finally melted; Jenna, meanwhile, was just waiting for the right guy in a hideous outfit to buy her a basket of taupe oblong food-things.

On the other hand, I’m not sure if I can handle a six-to-eight-week emotional archaeological expedition through the ruins of Jenna’s past, so maybe we should let her think dreamily about how she finally snagged the piece of arm candy that best matches her furniture and move on.

Archie, 9/16/10

Hey, check it out! Svenson the janitor has just gotten hip and grown a goatee. Welcome to the brotherhood, sir! Don’t let anyone tell you that this facial hair configuration went out of style in 1998. It’s a timeless look!

Apartment 3-G, 9/16/10

Oh, God, New Tommie’s had more than just a little styling done to her hair; it looks like there’s been some unlicensed rhinoplasty work done as well. Check out that last panel: her nose looks to be rapidly caving into her face, Michael Jackson-style. Either that or the “myself” she likes again is her true identity, Lord Voldemort.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/7/10

In all my years of reading the strip, I have encountered few scenes in Snuffy Smith more harrowing than panel two here. Lureen looks rightly terrified at the slavering mob of women who have assembled at the Gossip Fence, the traditional gathering place for female-oriented rituals in Hootin’ Holler. Little does she know that any woman who manages to successfully bed the hamlet’s most eligible bachelor is by iron custom torn to bits and devoured by all the other women in the town. This is how the community maintains its uniform hideousness: by weeding all the even vaguely attractive people out of the gene pool.

Archie, 9/7/10

Mr. Weatherbee, with his black shirt and white jacket, always seems to be waiting for an ’80s fashion revival that never arrives; today, he’s really attempting to force the issue by donning a piano tie. GIVE IT UP, MR. WEATHERBEE. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

Spider-Man, 9/7/10

I love the fact that Spider-Man, true to his intense laziness, just automatically associates computers with video games and nothing else. “Wait, you can use the keyboard-television for things that aren’t Farmville?”

Pluggers, 9/7/10

Seriously, pluggers are shockingly lazy and just straight up don’t give a rat’s ass about what you think.

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Mary Worth, 8/4/10

There are few things in this life that I enjoy more than Mary Worth’s version of squalor. Some great previous examples include Mary’s journey past the Charterstone gates into the hellscape of “downtown,” Vera’s sad post-disinheritance apartment, and Wilbur’s not-son’s hilariously run-down hovel. But Lonnie and Fred’s crash pad is pretty great too, with its combination of decay (crumbling plaster, torn curtains) and disregard (picture askew; pink curtains, black wall, and baby blue chair placed in close proximity). And of course Fred carries this slovenliness over to his own person, with his wispy combover and unbuttoned, untucked shirt. (At least his undershirt is tucked it; he’s not a monster.)

The question is: what exactly is the relationship between Lonnie and Fred? I would actually be thrilled if they were a couple, because it would strike a blow against the stereotype that all gay men are classy and well dressed and have an innate interior design sense. Some of them just drink off-brand beer right from a can, a can that they set down on their hideous end table without using any kind of coaster.

Archie, 8/4/10

What … what exactly is happening in panel three? Has Archie opened the door only to be killed by Leroy’s elaborate wind chime-based booby trap? Or is “He really enjoyed making wind chimes” the phrase that triggers his post-hypnotic suggestion? What we see is Archie’s own self-perception, as his consciousness falls down a rabbit hole of wind chime hallucinations; meanwhile, his body stands silently in the Lodges’ foyer, awaiting instructions to kill.

Jumble, 8/4/10

Wow, I’m pretty sure this is the only puzzle game in the newspaper that’s ever depicted a guy who may well be on the verge of being beaten to death in a dank alley somewhere. You don’t get this with Sudoku, kids!