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Archive: Crankshaft

149

Someday they’re gonna reveal who’s under the boxes and I promise it will be extremely underwhelming

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Mary Worth, 12/10/25

We all know, of course, that Mary Worth takes place in a world similar to but not exactly like our own, where America’s most famous 20th century actor is the handsome Saul Lewman and Sonia Sotomayor served out her career as a Superior Court Judge in Santa Royale County. But I’m sorry, the proposal that the greatest stage actor who ever lived in this universe is someone called “Sir Richard Wellbottom” is simply too much for me to believe. This man would be haunted by the cruel nickname “Dick Goodass” and would never find the strength to perform on stage!

Crankshaft, 12/10/25

For years there was a running bit in Funky Winkerbean about a guy/monster/entity that looks like a person made out of pizza boxes who haunted Montoni’s, and as near as I can tell I never bothered commenting on it or even thinking about it all that much in my years of blogging about the strip, but post-Funky, this being has migrated to Crankshaft for some reason and I just want to be on the record as agreeing with this little girl. It isn’t right! This shouldn’t be in the newspaper! It’s dumb and weird and nobody cares!

Herb and Jamaal, 12/10/25

The full quote here is “When they study our civilization two thousand years from now, there will only be three things that Americans will be known for: the Constitution, baseball and jazz music. They’re the three most beautiful things Americans have ever created.” Why do you think this strip left out the “only”? Is it because it wants you to believe, against all evidence, that in the distant future there will be four things Americans will be known for: the Constitution, baseball, jazz music, and the comic strip Herb and Jamaal? It could happen! You never know!

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Ceci n’est pas une course automobile

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Gearhead Gertie, 11/20/25

Gearhead Gertie’s loved ones are trying to break through her epistemological bubble that only allows her to think about NASCAR nonstop through the power of art. They started simple, with representational paintings; unfortunately, she was quickly able to assimilate that concept into her warped worldview by conflating the signifier and the signified and treating NASCAR-related objects as meriting display. So now they’ve escalated to more abstract pieces. And it’s working! This museum is beginning to rewire Gertie’s damaged psyche, but right now the only way she can process that is by mapping it onto visions of the destruction of her precious race cars. Excited to see if this leads to a breakthrough!

Beetle Bailey, 11/20/25

A thing I learned recently that I really enjoyed is that a lot of heterosexual ’80s metal guys thought that Judas Priest’s Rob Halford, whose stage costumes very much came out of the gay leather daddy subculture, looked cool and badass in a completely straight way and spent the better part of a decade emulating his look. Just thinking about that for no reason as this new recruit, outfitted by the culturally savvy Beetle Bailey team in the a classic “tough guy” outfit, looks positively delighted at the thought of Sarge’s forceful discipline!

Crankshaft, 11/20/25

“Also, it wasn’t really that hard to figure out. He only changed one letter!”

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It’s not the clam’s fault it’s very quiet

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 11/16/25

Poor Slick Smitty. He thought he had found a way to beat Slylock at his own game by not technically lying as part of his scheme. Even Slylock had to chuckle ruefully and acknowledge that the sign said “see the signing clam,” not “hear” it! Sadly, if you flip your screen upside down, you will learn that Slylock was able to “convince” Smitty to return his customers’ money, presumably by threatening him with the full force of the Forest Kingdom’s monopoly on violence, even though he violated no law, because that’s just how the new regime rolls when it comes to humans. The clam presumably remained enslaved.

Crankshaft, 11/16/25

Look, not to get close to finding Crankshaft relatable or anything, but a thing about getting older is that you’ll think “C’mon, this aspect of culture is relatively recent,” and then you look it up and it’s actually like 10 or 15 years old, and there are plenty of people who are full-on adults now who would never remember a time it didn’t exist. Anyway, I was about to go on a quest to figure out when the whole pickleball craze took off, got as far as some suggestions that the game (which has been around since the ’60s, and was invented by the last Republican to serve as Lieutenant Governor of Washington) became popular as an outdoor activity during the COVID-19 lockdowns, then dug into my archives and discovered that these teen twins were tweens or maybe even younger in a 2021 strip and decided, you know what? I’m gonna let this one go. I’ll allow it. Ha ha, to a young person, ping pong would seem like a pickleball variant, wouldn’t it?

Dick Tracy, 11/16/25

“Oh ho ho,” quite a few of you said, last week, “I’ll bet Rojo Ozob is some kind of villainous clown, what with ‘Ozob’ being an anagram for ‘Bozo.'” Well, you were right. There he is, plain as day: a villainous clown, realistic, tough-looking, and maybe even a little sexy. I hope you’re all happy. God have mercy on your souls.