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Family Circus, 5/30/05

A one-panel comic is all punchline, and a skillfully crafted one can derive much of its power from making the reader imagine the scenario that played out to lead up to the presented conclusion. I’d like to think that in the half-hour or so immediately before today’s Family Circus, Daddy took the measure of his eldest’s pitching ability and pounded homer after homer into the next subdivision, barely breaking a sweat and sporting that smug little smile as he systematically broke Billy’s self-confidence and will to live. “When you came along, Billy,” he thinks, “I lost my youth and privacy, I was no longer first in my wife’s affections, and I was ever more firmly shackled to a white-collar job I hate and a soulless suburban home I loathe. Every day I look at your fresh young face, full of life and vigour, and I’m reminded that I’m getting older and closer to death. But by God, at least you can’t get a fastball by me yet.” Then — pow! — another run scored for Team Grown-up. Finally, as the ache in Jeffy’s knees begins to become almost unbearable while he waits for the strike that will never come, Billy attempts to salvage some shred of dignity while begging for mercy. I like to think that Daddy replies with a sneering “Screw you, kid — bunting is for pussies” before sending Billy scrambling with a line drive aimed right at his grossly oversized head.

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Family Circus, 4/3/05

Adorable mispronunciation? Classic Family Circus. Little kid lying face down, face twisted in pain, wondering what happened to the promised unconditional love and help from his big brother — love that they both knew, deep down in their hearts, he couldn’t provide? That, my friends, is a classic glimpse into dark, tormented soul of Jeffy Keane. I’m not sure what the context is for this little family drama, but wherever there’s Bette Midler blasting on the boom box, something non-alcoholic in the pitcher, and unsupervised little kids flinging themselves off of hills, you know there’s fun to be had.

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Family Circus, 3/14/05

I’ll make a deal with those people who think that the Ten Commandments should be displayed in front of courthouses and other government buildings in the United States: I’ll go along with the idea, as long as we can alter the existing ten, and add new ones, based on the wacky utterances of cartoon characters. Sound fair? Here’s some suggestions:

The third commandment: “Observe the sabbath day, to keep it holy, as the LORD your God commanded you. Also, the LORD hateth Mondays; so shall you hate them as well.”

The sixth commandment: “Neither shall you commit adultery, unless advised to do so by Mary Worth.”

The eleventh commandment: “If thy husband, or thy girl-child, or thy coworker or boss shall engage you in banter, thou shalt show your appreciation for the verbal byplay with a facial expression that is ‘sly.'”

The seventeenth commandment: “Shun thee the harlot; for she is a gig, she is roadside. She shall be nothing more to thee than a sexual playtoy, though thou probably should not mention that to thy dentist. Once she has journeyed to that place, there is no way for her to return.”

The twenty-third commandment: “More zippers, mule!”

Incidentally, what exactly is going on in this panel? Is dad quizzing Dolly on the Ten Commandments? Is he going to get all “false witness” on her ass the next time “Not Me” shows up?