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Funky Winkerbean, 12/4/16

Just to remind those of you who don’t have the backstory to Funky Winkerbean occupying valuable real estate in your skull: After Cindy was fired from the TV news for being old, which, I can’t emphasize enough, is totally illegal, she went to work for some Internet thing called “Buddyblog.” This company mainly exists within the Funkyverse narrative to give Cindy an opportunity to openly insult young people for no reason, but it’s not exactly clear what it is exactly. The name implies that it’s a blog, but obviously that’s a media form that’s way past its lucrative prime [BITTER, HOLLOW LAUGHTER] and mostly it does video stuff which it … posts on the Internet, I guess? Do you think it’s streamed live? If it’s streamed live, Buddyblog’s dozens of viewers are probably about to get their most exciting episode yet, if you consider off-script rage from an interviewer “exciting.” You can really tell how seriously Cindy takes her new gig by the way she just checks the Google Alert she set for “‘mason jarr’ + cheating” while she’s on camera.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 12/4/16

Hey, Slylock doesn’t just use his powers of ratiocination to solve mysteries, OK? Sometimes he uses his powers of ratiocination to determine just where in physical space his enemy is, the better to kick his enemy’s ass. I am pretty disappointed that all we got here was a description of the thought process that led to the fracas, and not the actual vulpine vs. canine battle that we long to see.

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Crankshaft, 12/3/16

One of the ongoing Crankshaft plots that I find particularly unpleasant is “Crankshaft’s elderly neighbor has joy brought into her life by tween twins who alternately are baffled by her and condescend to her, which she ignores because she’s very lonely and figures this is as good as it’s going to get.” Anyway, like most old people, Ms. McKenzie is great at providing some backstory! Today, for instance, we learn that the present-day Montoni is not just some huckster who slapped his appropriately ethnic name on a storefront to help sell deeply mediocre pizza; in fact, he inherited his business from his immigrant parents, who ran it as a genuine Italian restaurant before he took over and cut costs by rebuilding the menu around deeply mediocre pizza. As you can see, Montoni still keeps some single-serving pasta Lean Cuisines in the freezer in the back, to placate the few customers who still remember the what the place was like before he ruined it.

Mark Trail, 12/3/16

Mark and Abbey: Still fleeing from a paroxysm of volcanic destruction, in case you’re wondering! It’s good to know that even in moments of high tension, the strip still sticks to its core values: our heroes may be fleeing from an unstoppable river of deadly, fast-flowing molten rock, but doesn’t mean that Abbey needs to cut corners by contracting “we are” to “we’re”.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/3/16

OH MY GOD REX AND JUNE DECIDED IT WAS “FINE” FOR THEIR PRECIOUS LITTLE SARAH TO TAKE THE BUS TO SCHOOL WITH THE NORMAL CHILDREN AND THEN SHE WAS IMMEDIATELY HIT BY A CAR

THE LESSON IS: THE WORLD IS FULL OF DANGERS YOUR CHILD MUST BE PROTECTED FROM BY A MOB CHAUFFEUR

AND IF YOU CAN’T AFFORD A MOB CHAUFFEUR THAT’S PROBABLY BECAUSE OF A MORAL FAILING ON YOUR PART AND MAYBE YOUR CHILD DESERVES TO BE HIT BY A CAR, A CAR SAFELY TRANSPORTING OTHER, MORE WORTHY CHILDREN TO THEIR DESTINATION

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Funky Winkerbean, 12/1/16

Oh, so, if you’re curious, serial star Cliff Anger did time in prison because he tangled with Joe McCarthy during the Red Scare! You might be tempted to read something into this regarding Current Political Events, but in fact Funky Winkerbeans are written a year in advance, so it’s really just a chance to say “What if this cranky ancillary character who seemed like a loser … were also a martyr?” Anyway, Cliff took a job on tramp steamer in the summer of 1940, and that tramp steamer heroically sailed right through the Atlantic and the Baltic when those seas were an active war zone just so that Cliff could hang out with his good buddy and political idol, Joe Stalin. Unfortunately this was a full 18 months before Stalin became a stalward ally in America’s war against fascism, so Cliff had to pay the price.

Shoe, 12/1/16

What’s hotter than bird-on-bird sexual encounters initiated by sad drunks in a depressing fern bar? Bird-on-bird sexual encounters initiated by sad drunks in a depressing fern bar that make up part of a satanic ritual, apparently!