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Archive: Gil Thorp

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Soapy Friday

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Mary Worth, 8/4/23

Greta and … Max? What about Greta’s prison love, Holly? Man, if you had told me that Mary Worth’s grimdark tale of dogs being held hostage in hellish conditions to satisfy sadistic whims would in ony a few weeks resolve itself into “Ho ho, is it a doggie love triangle?” I … well, I wouldn’t have been that surprised, actually.

Judge Parker, 8/4/23

Good news, everyone! That little kidnapped girl has been reunited with her family some fairly menacing guy who she seems to like and I guess works for her wealthy father. Anyway, it’s a real shame that Sam and Abbey are going to spend a good chunk of what was supposed to be their sex vacation trying to find and give money to a bear.

Gil Thorp, 8/4/23

“I’ve been betting on these poor boys. Big money, too! That’s legal, right?” [Coach Kaz whispers in his ear] “Uh, no further comment, this press conference is OVER, get those cameras OUT OF HERE”

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Crows are terrified by merchant capitalism, it’s true

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Gil Thorp, 8/2/23

God, can you imagine being part of an institution so dehumanizing and destructive to your identity that it strips your very name away from you, leaving you nothing but a number for identification? And then also, in a mostly unrelated matter, you were prison? Ha ha, I kid, but seriously, it’s a good thing Marty is sober now because in the old days there is absolutely no chance that he’d be able to keep track of two sets of numbers while doing the play by play.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/2/23

I was going to question why Silas’s general store, literally the only retail outlet in town, would even need to advertise, but then I realized that the residents of Hootin’ Holler need occasional reminders that they have access to a place where money can be exchanged for goods; it’s only recently that the community has taken the first tentative steps beyond its traditional subsistence agriculture/chicken theft economy.

Blondie, 8/2/23

Sorry, guys, Marx says that the struggle of class against class is a political struggle, so you are definitely discussing politics.

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Need to break out of this “Oops! All prophecies!” narrative loop

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The Phantom, 8/1/23

The current Phantom storyline, broadly defined, has consisted of Old Man Mozz prophesying for our hero multiple different versions of how his plan to spring pirate, but for good/sexual-tension-with-the-Phantom-haver Savarna from Gravelines prison might work out. They all work out bad, in the long run, due to various Dramatic Ironies, but our hero has decided to go for it anyway, or at least I think so, because we’ve had long versions of the story play out in the strip before that have just turned out to be Mozz’s narrative and not the “real” action in the strip, and maybe this time will work out the same. But my point is that this night, and its consequences across branching timelines, has been going on more than two years at this point, so I wouldn’t say it’s ended too soon at all! I think we could pretty much wrap it up, if I’m being blunt about it.

Gil Thorp, 8/1/23

Good news, Toby! Thanks to the Supreme Court’s unanimous decision in NCAA v. Alston, college athletes can now profit from endorsement deals, so on the off chance that this year’s last place Conference USA program decides to juice interest and alumni donations by recruiting the kids who played in “that child prison football game that they ended up having all the Congressional hearings about,” you’ll be able to do sponcon on your Insta and TikTok accounts, probably for vape cartridge manufacturers. Everybody wins!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/1/23

Can one law enforcement officer truly keep on top of fishcrime, beastcrime, and mancrime? Truly this is an impossible task!