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Funky Winkerbean, 5/4/13

Oh, man, Darrin’s bio-dad is just not going to give up on his mission of assholery, is he? I have literally no idea what he thinks is going to happen if he goes public with the knowledge that Dead Lisa had sex as a teenager and had a kid and gave it up for adoption. Will the Westview citizenry gather in the town square and ritually burn all copies of Lisa’s Story, as is the accepted fate for Whore Literature? Fools, they already bought the books, and Les already got paid! You bought the book too, Darrin-bio-dad! You bought it in hardcover!

Mary Worth, 5/4/13

Haha, awesome first date strategy, Tom. “I know how to eat better! I just didn’t bother because I didn’t care if I lived or died! I wanted to commit suicide the slowest, most passive-aggressive way possible. But after one trip to the grocery store, one awkward dinner with your mom and some random old lady in our apartment building, and 10 minutes of orange food prep, I know I want to live! You’re the only one keeping me alive, Beth! NEVER LEAVE THIS ROOM OR I’LL KILL MYSELF WITH A VEGETABLE PEELER I SWEAR TO GOD”

Herb and Jamaal, 5/4/13

Herb’s mother-in-law lives with his family and works at the soul food restaurant he runs with Jamaal, but we don’t really know much about her social life. Did she always live in this town, or did she uproot herself from her social networks to come here? Does she have a circle of friends her own age that she spends time with? Are they the ones that she apparently got hella drunk with last night?

Spider-Man, 5/4/13

I mean, we’re all imagining Kingpin speaking in a gravelly, menacing voice, dramatically stretched out over two panels, right? “Now, and only now, it’s time — to awaken Spider-Man! …in the dullest, most pedestrian way possible, by splashing him with water out of a mid-sized Rubbermaid container. HAHA, I was soaking my sore feet in this all afternoon, the water is totally gross! Take that, wall-crawler!”

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Herb and Jamaal, 4/16/13

Ha ha, people sure do enjoy putting silly comments and cat pictures on their Facepages, and then we all read them on our … wait, what are Herb and Jamaal looking at exactly? A briefcase? Do they have the Internet on briefcases now? For looking at our Facepages? I guess Herb and Jamaal, as usual, are way, way ahead of the curve. (BTW I haven’t mentioned in a while but if you want you can follow me on your briefcase on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, or Google+! WARNING: I WILL POST SILLY COMMENTS AND OCCASIONAL CAT PICTURES)

Mary Worth, 4/16/13

Not even the Mary Worth narration box can commit itself to something interesting happening to Beth this week. “WHEN BETH CAN’T BRING HERSELF TO CALL TOM, SHE DECIDES TO GO TO THE STORE … WHERE FATE MAY HAVE OTHER PLANS FOR HER! THEN AGAIN, IT MAY NOT! WHO CAN TELL! PROBABLY SHE’LL JUST COME HOME WITH A BAG OF GROCERIES AND WATCH TV THE REST OF THE NIGHT WHILE HER MOTHER TRIES TO READ! ONCE IN A WHILE SHE’LL SIGH HALF-AUDIBLY!”

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Herb and Jamaal, 4/13/13

The only thing Herb and Jamaal loves more than eschewing concrete nouns is rerunning the exact same joke every few years, so you’d think the last thing it would do would be to make a joke about a very specific television program that aired only a couple of weeks before the strip was published. I guess a mildly accurate recounting of the Bible from the same cable channel that brought you Ancient Aliens generates enough excitement to break longstanding strip traditions! Anyway, obviously Hip Young Reverend Whose Name I Forget is referring to the actual Bible in the punchline, but wouldn’t it be a bazillion times funnier if he were talking about this, which is a real thing that exists?

Apartment 3-G, 4/13/13

Oh, man, New York’s hot, devil-may-care governor is so intensely interested in having sex with Lu Ann Lu Ann’s art-classes-for-veterans’-kids charity that he isn’t even bothering to talk to anyone else at this party. This quickly establishes his personality (i.e., we now know he has sent a non-negligible number of pictures of his penis to lady constituents via various electronic communications platforms) and also saves the strip artist from the terrifying prospect of drawing a crowd scene.