Archive: Better Half

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Beetle Bailey, 5/30/21

Hope you’re having a happy somber and meaningful Memorial Day, everybody! Beetle Bailey, America’s #1 only military-themed comic strip, is honoring our war dead by depicting our NCOs as brutes whose murderousness can only be deflected by their encouraging their ravenous appetites. Someone has desperately spray-painted “ALWAYS REMEMBER!” on one of Camp Swampy’s buildings, in an attempt to force these people to remember the real purpose behind today’s celebration (it didn’t work).

Hi and Lois, 5/30/21

Hi Flagston is so disgusted by his brother-in-law’s unit that he and Thirsty are spending Memorial Day giving what I assume is a shoutout to Popeye and, by extension, the forgotten veterans of the Merchant Marine, who had a higher rate of casualties during World War II of than any other service.

Marvin, 5/30/21

Speaking of stolen valor, I think it’s important that names like “M.U.T.T.” only be used for robot dogs, with the initials standing for “Multipurpose Unified Technological Terrier” or something like that. Insult Bitsy without treading on the prerogatives of the noble cyber-dogs, Marvin!

Dick Tracy, 5/30/21

“Oh, man, that sounds like white collar crime, which I definitely don’t care about. Next you’re gonna ask me to do something about wage theft! Ha ha, go call some lib who cares!”

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Six Chix, 11/24/14

All the turkeys are trying to get out of town this week! That’s because it’s almost Thanksgiving, and they’re justifiably terrified that they’re going to be killed and eaten.

Blondie, 11/24/14

But none of them ever imagined that, after they were killed but before they were eaten, Dagwood Bumstead might sexually fetishize their corpse.

Better Half, 11/24/14

As a financial advisor, it’s tough to keep coming up with “fun” ways to say “Welp, looks like you’re gonna die in poverty!”

Marvin, 11/24/14

“Constipated? Ha ha, it’s funny because Marvin has no problems making bowel movements! You can tell because he always smells like feces! Ha ha!”

Luann, 11/24/14

Hey, remember when Guther and Rosa decided to move to Peru for, uh, some reason? I had been thinking it was in order to do something noble but now we see that they’re just working in an extremely boring-looking call center.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/24/14

“We’ve swapped something you might actually want for something you definitely won’t!”

Mary Worth, 11/24/14

“My daughter? Oh, I definitely don’t love her. If I did, I’d have talked about her up top, when I was telling you about people I loved.”

Spider-Man, 11/24/14

Having lived in Los Angeles for nearly three months, I can assure you that panel two’s depiction of a Hollywood producer is 100% accurate.

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Better Half, 10/19/14

Once again, the Sunday Better Half panels offer variations on a theme! Let’s see: marital whimsy, marital whimsy, marital whimsy, marital whimsy, OH MY GOD STANLEY AND HARRIET ARE DROWNING IN DEBT AND GOING BANKRUPT, THIS IS TERRIBLE, THEY CAN’T EVEN AFFORD LEGAL REPRESENTATION, WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO

Mary Worth, 10/19/14

Haha, never mind, Mary’s not going to marry Hanna off, she’s just going to put her in a home, as I originally predicted. Sorry, Hanna, but when you signed that Charterstone lease you gave Mary power of medical attorney! Should’ve read the fine print!

Funky Winkerbean, 10/19/14

In case you were wondering if Les still spends every day in dread of the looming spectre of death: Les still spends every day in dread of the looming spectre of death.