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Dennis the Menace, 10/4/10

The Mitchells’ pastor ought to be concerned about young Dennis’ decision to turn away from the Christian God and instead offer his worship to Skynet, the superintelligent computer network that will soon destroy us all.

Jumble, 10/4/10

As usual, I’m too dumb to actually solve the Jumble, but I do want to point out that “vomiting” would fit into the solution blanks nicely.

Luann, 10/4/10

After setting this foolproof plan in motion, TJ will head off to his job as a master cat burglar/puppeteer.

Mary Worth, 10/4/10

Let’s hope Jill Black at the hospital has some knife fighting experience, if that oh no nobody’s horning in on MY meddle expression on Mary’s face in panel two foreshadows things to come (and please, please, let it foreshadow things to come).

Slylock Fox, 10/4/10

Shady’s new membership in the Bloods is about to be revoked with extreme prejudice after the other gang members find out he obsessively hoards golden kitty-kat figurines.

Crankshaft, 10/4/10

“Also, we might occasionally be allowed to experience joy!”

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Luann, 9/21/10

Brad, I will say words to you now, so squint up your eyes and make the “I hear you” face. If you tell the girl “Now that Dirk is back you and I should wed”, you should not tell her “Dirk must not be the boss of us”, too. You are the one who wants to make him the boss of you, so you two can wed! It is wrong to say both things! It is like you and you in some kind of big talk fight! Stop it — got that?

The pants of this girl rule your mind!

And don’t just say all kinds of stuff when you get mad! Think hard, and try to make it sound like you want to make sense when you talk! Girls like it a lot when you try hard to be smart for them! I know it hurts, but you have to do it — keep your mind on the pants!

What, once more? You say not so fast this time? Here you go: pants!

And oh, yes: nice truck. Why do you two have to stand in front of it all the time like that? And talk so much? By “so much”, I mean “at all.” And by “in front”, I mean “where we can see you.”

Apartment 3-G, 9/21/10

Whoa! After years stuck in the early ’60’s, A3G stomps on the accelerator — no sooner does Tommie get a makeover than a woman of color shows up! I’m pretty sure that’s a first, and if they keep up this pace, I hope the gals watch out for flying cars ’round about next week or so. Ted Forth’s gonna be so pissed.

Pluggers, 9/21/10

You bet, ’cause you know if it were, this guy would be right there with his épées, vaulting pole, and rowing shell.

Thanks to everybody who contributed yesterday — don’t forget that if you want to send Josh a check or something, I’ll be happy to send you his address. Just email me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net — I mean what the hell, it’s not like it’s my address or anything!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Funky Winkerbean, 9/13/10

Oh, Cayla, this is just getting pathetic, now. Do you think that this new hairstyle will win Les’s heart back from Susan? I mean, have you seen her hair? Les doesn’t prefer Susan to you because she’s young and hip and sexy. He prefers her because she’s a dead-eyed emotional wreck who loves death. You can’t get that from any salon!

Mary Worth, 9/13/10

Speaking of misguided optimism, check out how excited Dr. Mike looks in panel two! He clearly believes that the way to a woman’s heart is through a heartfelt story about how he’s relationship-shy because his father spent decades as a drunken failed vigilante. Perhaps he thinks that he’ll seal the deal by casually suggesting that they have sex in the very bed where his dear old dad finally “found peace.”

Gil Thorp, 9/13/10

What’s really sad is when you see a couple who’ve lost that spark and are really just going through the motions. Gil used to really put his heart into it when he made up contentless answers to Marty Moon’s bullshit questions. Now they’re not even making eye contact!

Also, is it really traditional to put decisions on high school sports captains to a popular vote? That seems like a good way to end up with teams captained by Justin Beiber and Jesus.

Luann, 9/13/10

This is what’s known in the business as “fan service.” Specifically, it’s providing a service to those fans with a keen interest in Brad/Dirk scat-themed slash fiction. They make up a small but intensely loyal group, and it’s nice to see them finally get a shout-out.

Shoe, 9/13/10

I’m on the record as finding the “Shoe birds desperately flirt in a smoky bar” strips crushingly depressing. Today’s installment, in which a depressive is romanced by someone with a presumably domestic-violence-themed restraining order against him, nicely demonstrates why.

Jumble, 9/13/10

Alas, it appears that the Man isn’t ready for Jumble Jeff’s guerilla art installation. But Jeff, why isn’t your “street tag” LUJBEM FEJF, as it is on this blog? Are you afraid that hoodlum graffiti aficionados can’t handle anagrams? You do them a disservice, sir. Jumbles are for everybody!