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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/31/12

Nobody should be at all surprised that virulent anti-intellectualism makes good grades a romantic liability in Hootin’ Holler. However, I think we should take note of the variant of the common rhyme in panel two. Usually you hear “Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses,” but this isn’t the local version of the saying — and with good reason! Having long been isolated from flatlander optometry, Hootin’ Holler residents must make do with the few pairs of eyeglasses that have managed to come into the community via extended trading networks. Girls who wear glasses, far from being considered undesirable as mates, are viewed in awe for their ability to see at a distance or at night, and in some circumstances even read.

Apartment 3-G, 1/31/12

Well, being a nurse midwife is really more of a specialization you decide on when you’re getting your graduate degree in nursing, rather than just a course you take online from the University of Phoenix or whatever, but, uh, sure, Tommie, why don’t you go to it? “Are you serious? I’m going to get to pull people out of ladies’ hoo-hoos? Oh boy!”

Mark Trail, 1/31/12

“Yes, Mark, I too was on the verge of a violent life of crime! I’ve got a gun and everything. So your friend better come through with this TV movie deal or else I’ll probably have to kidnap you and hold you for ransom, ha ha! No, but seriously, get down in the crawlspace.”

Luann, 1/31/12

So, the past week in Luann has been dominated by an eternal teenage conflict: Gunther likes Rosa and Rosa likes Gunther and, uh, what now? Today we learn the answer. No couple in Luann can come together until a man defeats a romantic rival in passive-aggressive combat.

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Mark Trail, 1/23/12

OK, here’s a thing that has been persistently confusing to me about the current Mark Trail storyline: Tommy keeps insisting that he runs a “dog training business,” which, to an effete urban dweller such as myself, summons up an image of an obedience school where a Cesar Millan disciple explains to you how to establish an inter-creature dynamic within your household that prevents your adorable little Pomeranian from urinating on your newly restored hardwood floors. But Tommy only talks about Butch the blind dog and the rest of his business in terms of hunting, so I guess out in Real American “dog training businesses” are all about training your dog as a hunting companion, seriously, why would you even own a dog if you weren’t going to hunt with it? And so obviously a blind dog would be useless in such a context … unless Mark can prove that Butch has what it takes after all. Of course, the fact that Tommy is so transparently eager to get a 10-minute segment about Butch onto Animal Planet or the Outdoors Channel or Pointing The Camera At Nature or whatever basic cable channel Mark’s friend works for just goes to show that even Real America is desperately in thrall to the coastal media elites.

Hi and Lois, 1/23/12

It’s really quite sad that this is what Hi and Lois think a “quickie” is. And Lois isn’t even fully committed to it! You can’t drink tea at a coffee quickie, Lois.

Apartment 3-G, 1/23/12

Ha ha, Tommie is so boring that Lu Ann is going to call her “Margo” as she waves the MapQuest page she printed out all by herself at her. In the background, the actual Margo sees where this conversation is going and quickly decides to be anywhere else.

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Mark Trail, 1/9/12

There’s so much I have to learn about the dog-training biz, apparently. For instance, having a hunting dog that can see is crucial to the whole operation, somehow! It draws in the customers! Is a blind dog considered a bad omen? When people bring their cockapoo or Havanese or whatever down to Tommy’s Dog Training Service to make sure it doesn’t poop on the rug any more or try to eat the baby, do they see ol’ blind Butch and think “Jeez, Tommy trains his dogs to be blind, that’s what he trains them to do,” and then head elsewhere? Truly Mark is the only one who can help Tommy finally realize his dog-training dream and avoid gainful employment once and for all.

Gil Thorp, 1/9/12

Huh, so it turns out that last week’s off-hand “Sheilas” wasn’t a misguided attempt at hip slang but was actually supposed to indicate that Ransom Hale (wait, what?) hails from the Antipodes. Do people from New Zealand actually say “Sheilas”? Do people from Australia actually say this? Feel free to discuss that amongst ourselves while I try to figure out which of these young ladies is about to have a picture of Leonardo DiCaprio’s frozen corpse tattooed onto her lower back.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/9/12

Never mind the hilarious golf joke: I’m trying to figure out why exactly Truman Capote is impersonating a substitute rural doctor.