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Mary Worth, 11/25/11

My God, Toby is just not going to let go of this whole Mary-Worth-getting-pickpocketed thing, presumably because it’s the first time in her entire life at Charterstone that she’s gotten to feel even vaguely superior to Mary. Mary Worth, herself no slouch when it comes to dwelling on things beyond reason, is trying to move on — “Hmm, yes, it’s hard to keep track of things when it’s noisy, live and learn, I’m just going to close my eyes and enjoy this tiny spoonful of pie now” — but Toby, desperate to keep the focus on how much better she is at being robbed, is lurching into some weird faux-Buddhist territory. “Mary, the only way to not have one’s material possessions stolen is to possess nothing. Let’s give everything we own away to the poor, or, better, just set it all on fire in the courtyard!”

Mark Trail, 11/25/11

Oh ho, Mother McQueen, you’ve just tripped yourself up! We all know that there were at least two gold bands made: the one Mark found on a goose in Lost Forest, and the one a hunter found on a goose he shot near the Canadian border years earlier. This means one of two things: either Mother McQueen is lying to her new young friends so that they don’t find her gold mine, or that nobody, including the people who publish Mark Trail, can be bothered to keep track of the details of the plots in Mark Trail.

Apartment 3-G, 11/25/11

“I can’t wait to show Lu Ann the nursery for the baby she doesn’t know she’s having yet! Then, once her mind has accepted that, I’ll take her through this door into the traditional Linski Impregnation Chamber. She is the best!”

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Mark Trail, 11/18/11

“We’re going to follow this Watergate business as far as it goes, even if it means putting a bucket-harness on a semi-tame bear in hopes that he’ll lead us to a hidden gold mine” is something I assume Woodward said to Bernstein at least once.

Archie, 11/18/11

Many of us are too young to remember what an culture-shaking sensation Trump: The Art of the Deal was when it was published in 1987; fortunately, this Archie comic from the 1990s gives a little taste of the awe and reverence in which that tome was held, by showing us how shocking it would be for a mere lunch lady to publish her own version.

Hagar the Horrible, 11/18/11

Hagar’s dog has been out until 3 a.m. having sex, hopefully with other dogs.

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Mary Worth, 11/14/11

For someone who had a careful list of all her credit card information on hand in case of theft, Mary sure seems shaken by the fact that her credit cards were stolen. In an ideal world the purpose of the list is to make her feel smug and prepared, and perhaps even allow her to assert her superiority over those who don’t have her foresight. She should never have to actually use it, how gauche!

I’d like to believe that Mary’s thought balloon in the second panel heralds some rethinking of her world view, and an understanding that we do not live in an ideal world, that bad things sometimes happen to good people, or even to the best people (i.e., Mary). But probably it just presages her transformation into a brutal masked vigilante who will hunt down criminals wherever they hide, which, I should emphasize, will also be pretty great.

Mark Trail, 11/14/11

Gosh, Kelly, I’m not sure what it is that Mother McQueen might want to melt, in relation to making her gold goose bands? Gold? Does gold melt? Gold does melt, right? Will someone answer Kelly? Someone? I mean, she is talking to someone, right? Otherwise she’s just talking loudly to nobody in particular while in the process of sneaking around at night, which is clearly ridiculous. C’mon, whoever she’s talking to, get her on the right track!