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Marvin, 3/3/22

Man, Jeff’s facial expressions here are a real journey — and not, to be clear, a journey I enjoyed. In panel one he’s very excited, and if you didn’t know what this strip’s whole deal was, you might think he likes to cook and is happy to help out with tonight’s dinner. But, nope, it turns out he’s just thrilled to let his wife know that her cooking sucks in a new, hilarious way! His facial expression in the final panel is positively post-orgasmic. Obviously these two don’t have sex anymore because the last time they did they created Marvin, so I guess this is the only way Jeff can get off.

Crankshaft, 3/3/22

I touched on this last week, but, like — a year ago? two years ago? who can even say — there was an excruciating two weeks of Crankshaft strips where this one-armed guy with a beard, who apparently was the last employee at the local newspaper, went to New York and gave a long, indignant speech about corporate media control to the manager of the hedge fund who owned the newspaper and then quit. It was so boring that I never talked about it on this blog, and I’m reasonably sure we had never even met this character before, but I guess we’re finally getting the payoff to it because as I predicted the mysterious meeting was about launching a community newspaper, which is all well and good. But said meeting was organized (and the project funded?) by the historical society lady, and our ace reporter is about to learn that his new paymaster can be as controlling as any hedge fund. Is the Fire Department running a prostitution ring right of the firehouses? That can wait, because this lady’s rival for the PTA presidency is about to be destroyed by the free press.

Dustin, 3/3/22

“Ha, it’s funny, because we’re on the verge of financial ruin due to your mother’s neglect! Anyway, I’m just gonna keep eating this tiny cookie like a dipshit.”

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Marvin, 1/20/22

Today’s Marvin is a good Rorschach test for readers. Where did your mind go immediately after reading this? Are you a pedant who looked up when “Who Let The Dogs Out” was released in an attempt to try to figure out the question of how old Jenny and Jeff are (it climbed the charts in mid-2000, meaning they’ve gotta be in their late 30/early 40s, unless Jeff put the song in a mix “ironically” after the fad had faded)? Or are you a pervert, who assumed that Jeff played “Who Let The Dogs Out” on their honeymoon, during sex, to his wife’s horror? Because my brain is so quick to go to the worst possible places, I sadly fall into both categories.

Crock, 1/20/22

I guess the joke here is that smoke signals, a primitive method of long-distance communication, have been “hit with a virus,” just like a high-tech computer might be, but obviously that’s only a conclusion you would draw if you are, like me, cursed to read the daily comics and attempt to figure out what’s actually going on with them. I assume most people would instead take the more obvious reading, which is that the Lost Patrol are all dying of some terrible disease.

Mary Worth, 1/20/22

Sorry, Wilbur has only one panel to spare on self-reflection as to how he ended up in his current predicament. Now he’s got to move ahead and deal with more important questions, like where on this island he can find sandwiches, or, if they’re not available, cold cuts and condiments he can use to make sandwiches.

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Marvin, 1/17/22

Man, say what you will about Marvins where the joke is about pooping or peeing, but at least I have some grip on what’s happening in those (Marvin is pooping or peeing, and it’s disgusting). This one, I … am a little lost on? Like technically there are a near-infinite number of vacations you could label a “no skiing” vacation, but I guess that’s supposed to be where you go to a ski lodge but don’t ski, and just drink hot cocoa by the fire instead? But also, did Jeff just forget about this long-planned vacation coming up, because I feel like Jenny shouldn’t have such a sunny smile in panel two if he did. It’s weird! It’s not totally insane or anything, but the whole thing’s a little bit off! That’s why I propose an alternate interpretation: Jenny has set aside the coming weekend for her and Jeff to finally kick the cocaine habit, and Jeff’s not super jazzed about it.

Mary Worth, 1/17/22

Oh, hey, so, uh, in other news, Wilbur is alive, everybody! Wilbur … is alive? Somehow? Did we ever establish where this cruise was happening? Because if it was a west coast cruise, it’s not like there are tons of islets within drunken floating distance of the cruise lanes. That’s why I’m hoping that Wilbur has actually reached one of the upper levels of hell for comic characters, which is that you have to be the hilariously disheveled guy on a tiny desert island with two palm trees in a New Yorker cartoon. Or, better, that’s his corpse, and for the rest of the week we get to watch crabs eat it.