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Dennis the Menace, 3/22/20

Do you think this lady, who’s acquainted with Mr. Wilson well enough to know his name but not well enough to know that he doesn’t have kids, is … hitting on him? Like, I guess I don’t know how suburban retirees flirt, but if you told me that complimenting each other’s lawns was a standard opening line, I would definitely believe it. Anyway, for once I actually like the fact that Dennis is being very pleasant and not menacing at all, because it makes Mr. Wilson come across like not just a cantankerous old coot but actively deranged.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/22/20

The previous iteration of the movie version of Lisa’s Story was going to be called Lust for Lisa, but now Mason is making it, which means it’s going to be “told the right way,” and it’s really only sinking in for me just how incredibly depressing that’s going to be. Like, we’ve all had 20 years to absorb this shit, but Mason is going to pack it all into two hours. Can you imagine the opening scene where Les and Lisa visit the Bethesda fountain (named after a healing fountain in the Bible, and used to good dramatic effect in an infinitely better work) and wish for Lisa to not die of cancer, and then she dies of cancer anyway? This is the level of darkness you expect from the most tiring of European art house films, and I for one can’t wait for everyone to hate it.

Panels from The Lockhorns, 3/22/20

One thing I sincerely respect is that The Lockhorns does nearly twice as many panels as any other single-panel strip, since instead of just running one giant panel for Sunday it does five little ones! Anyway, I genuinely enjoyed these two both on their own and in juxtaposition to one another, as they give us two different textures of intra-Lockhorn marital complaint: on the one hand, Leroy finds marriage to be, allegorically, like the worst kind of physical torture humanity has ever dreamed up, and on the other had it makes Loretta sad that Leroy is such a drunk.

Mary Worth, 3/22/20

Look, Dawn, Jared has seen things, OK? Life! …and death! He knows that he could go at any moment and he’s not going to go out having never awkwardly kissed a girl, damn it!

Panels from Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/22/20

“I never have to talk to your dumb aunt again, and now that I have a bunch of books to stick my nose in, I don’t have to talk to you for hours either! Win-win! See ya, don’t bother trying to have a conversation with me because I definitely won’t be listening.”

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Mary Worth, 3/20/20

I think as we accelerate into this pandemic, more and more comics are going to be taking on unexpected resonance that wasn’t intended when they were written and sent to the syndicate months ago. Surely the original intent of this strip was “oh my GOD Dawn is CHEATING ON HER HOT, ABSENT FRENCH BOYFRIEND by MAKING FLIRTATIOUS INCIDENTAL PHYSICAL CONTENT with ANOTHER MAN like the WHORE SHE IS” but what I’m getting out of it today is “oh my GOD Dawn is SITTING ONLY A FEW FEET FROM JARED and even TOUCHING HIM even though they HAVEN’T WASHED THEIR HANDS and sure she’s young and probably would be ok if she developed symptoms, but what if she brought the coronavirus back to CHARTERSTONE and infected VULNERABLE OLDER ADULTS like Mary and Ian and Dr. Jeff and … you know, let’s not be too hasty about panicking here, hmmm.”

Mark Trail, 3/20/20

I think it maybe did too much for your self-esteem, buddy. Look at that smug expression! Any more self-esteem and you’re gonna sprain your entire face!

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Crankshaft, 3/12/20

QUICK RECAP ON WHAT’S UP IN CRANKSHAFT: Hannah did indeed end up giving birth in the Valentine when everyone was snowed in, and Crankshaft had apparently had to help someone give birth in a previous storyline years ago so he’s basically a midwife now, and he did it again and everyone is fine except Crankshaft then horribly threw out his back while shoveling them out of the theater. Anyway, as I’ve discussed previously, the orthographic conventions of Peanuts are burned very deeply into my brain, and I strongly associate “AUUUUUUUGH!!” with spiritual anguish, like Charlie Brown losing yet another baseball game, but I will also accept it as a signifier of intense physical pain, especially if that pain is afflicting Ed Crankshaft, one of the least likable protagonists in the comics pages, which is really saying something.

Mary Worth, 3/12/20

Jesus Christ Mary, will you stop relentlessly monitoring Dawn’s sexuality? God, she obliquely confesses just once that she’s thinking about sleeping with a married man and now you won’t get off her back. Let her live, Mary, let her live!