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Blondie, 1/17/19

To me, the best part of this comic, which posits that Dagwood is an animal test subject in some vast, mysterious laboratory, is that he’s failing to validate whatever experiment is being conducted. Blondie might imagine him fulfilling some higher being’s expectations for coffee’s effect on human motivation, but in real life there he is in bed, stubbornly refusing to be chemically motivated. It’s beautiful to me, though surely like all experimental subjects he’ll be disposed of soon enough.

Dick Tracy, 1/17/19

One of the people working on a Dick Tracy-derived performance that involves multiple layers of nostalgia, each resonating with a smaller and smaller audience, feels so unfulfilled by the exercise that he needs to drink himself stupid in order to carry on with it! Hopefully this is not a disturbing look behind the scenes at the strip.

Mary Worth, 1/17/19

MICHAEL [to himself]: “Oh, snap, this chick doesn’t need my help with the assignment, she must really be good at English lit. But how am I gonna get her to sleep with me then? I know, I’ll bust out some big words. Chicks who love English lit love big words!”

MICHAEL [aloud]: “Are you an English literature aficionado?”

Dustin, 1/17/19

Maybe I’m wrong about Dustin not adequately covering both sides of the Boomer-Millennial divide. Sure, the comic makes fun of today’s youths and their habit of just dozing off in the middle of the work day, but it also points out that today’s old people hate their families so much that it’s literally killing them.

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The Phantom, 1/16/19

Been a while since I kept you updated on the thrilling story of Heloise in The Phantom after she personally defeated the Nomad, the terrorist mastermind her father could never catch, by knocking him unconscious with her phone. Heloise handed the Nomad over to the cops, and then, presumably to escape revenge from the Nomad’s fanatical followers, fled with Kadia (the Nomad’s daughter, who didn’t know until just now that her dad was the Nomad) to the consulate of her home nation of Bangalla. Now they’re about to be rescued by the president of Bangalla himself, and let’s just say that country’s official self-presentation as a thriving post-colonial democracy governed by the rule of law isn’t quite buttressed by the head of state personally spiriting a family member of the shadowy leader of a paramilitary force out of the United States to avoid unpleasant questions from law enforcement. Bangalla may insist that the main heritage of their British colonial past is an elected parliament and independent judiciary, but in fact it appears to be President Luaga’s insistence on wearing morning dress 24 hours a day.

Gil Thorp, 1/16/19

I turn to the comics not just for amusement, but edification, and to that end I am pleased to have Learned Something from today’s Gil Thorp. Specifically, I have learned about the Robb Report, which began as a mimeographed newsletter selling Rolls Royces and Confederate memorabilia and somehow morphed into an odious ‘lifestyle brand’ publication mainly consisting of pictures of Rich People Things, which, isn’t that what we have Instagram for? Anyway, it was well worth learning all that so I could appreciate the absurdity of Robby saying, confidently, to presumably dozens of radio listeners, that on his report, “the richness is in the words,” proving that despite his claims to be a wordsmith he doesn’t actually know how “richness” is used in contemporary English. It would be better if he claimed “the richness is in the frosting,” and this whole thing with the billboards was just an attempt to drum up interest in his website of cake recipes.

Mary Worth, 1/16/19

Let’s try, if we can, to avoid thinking about Jannie’s increasingly hilarious vaping technique and instead focus on Ian’s grading strategies. What do you think his emotional arc is over the course of the semester? Is his plan from the get-go to lull his students into complacency with good grades in the opening weeks of the semester only to smash their hopes and dreams later? Or does he begin each class convinced that this year the students are actually going to appreciate his talents, and only turns on them when it becomes clear that isn’t the case?

Family Circus, 1/16/19

“They said that blondes have more fun but that doesn’t seem to be true at all! Now people just realize I’m related to Billy! I hate Billy!”

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Dick Tracy, 1/15/19

I’m not sure who asked for a Dick Tracy storyline about the little foibles that arise when you’re an old man who knocks up a much younger woman who’s filming a documentary about you, but whatever, they are going for it. Today’s installment, “So You Were Briefly Jealous Of Someone You Thought Was A Sexual Rival But She’s Actually His Goddaughter,” is unsettling par for the course.

Six Chix, 1/15/19

I’ve tried pronouncing “robo-twheat” every way I can think of — does it rhyme with “sweat”? does it rhyme with “sweet”? OK, I guess I can really only think of those two ways — and neither makes sense. Is it robot wheat? That’s the grey stuff outside the window? Robot wheat? Why would you not pay attention to robot wheat? I think if robot wheat suddenly grew (or began functioning, or whatever the hell it is robot wheat does) right outside my window, I’d feel like I should maybe pay attention to it.

Mary Worth, 1/15/19

Oh hell yes, Jannie’s swift heel turn is really doing it for me! Is she vaping? Just leaning sexily against the wall and vaping, driving all the boys wild? I cannot wait for her to meet Mary and get an earful about the addictive qualities of e-juice.

Gil Thorp, 1/15/19

AHHH YES MARTY MOON-B/ROBBY HOWRY SUPERSTAR ANTI-GIL TEAMUP, I AM EXTREMELY EXCITED

Beetle Bailey, 1/15/19

We all knew that, of course, one day the long-running comic strip Beetle Bailey would come to an end, and we probably all knew that there would be a fairly spectacular final strip, but I don’t think any of us guessed that it would involve the main character being killed and eaten by an enormous bird.