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Mary Worth, 1/14/17

OH SNAP GUYS THIS IS A METAPHOR! A metaphor for Iris’s current romantic dilemma, where she has to choose between Zak and Wilbur! It might not be obvious at first, but once you look at the details I think you’ll find it’s pretty clear:

• Zak is a simple grad student without much money, so his activities with Iris will be limited to things like bowling and cheap concerts for local bands. Iris is satisfied by her sexual encounters with Zak so consistently that they’ve almost become routine.
• Wilbur, meanwhile can afford the go-go world travelling lifestyle that only a lucrative syndicated newspaper columnist career can subsidize, voyaging to exotic Antarctica and Japan on a whim. However, due to Wilbur’s age and constant mayonnaise consumption, his heart could go at any time, meaning that any relationship with him could lack longevity. Zak, by contrast, is healthy and twenty years younger than Iris, and thus unlikely to predecease her.

It seems like a difficult choice! I don’t envy her!

Hi and Lois, 1/14/17

I really appreciate the amount of care that’s been put into the accoutrements of Thirsty’s sloth here. I’m particularly fond of the fact that there are two sock but only one shoe in evidence, that there’s a can of PBR on the floor and pint and shot glasses on the coffee table (no coasters, natch), and that there are multiple books strewn about, since just because you’re a slob doesn’t mean you’re a philistine. But the best for sure is Thirsty’s big smile as he naps on the Flagston’s couch. He hasn’t been this happy in years!

Gil Thorp, 1/14/17

“Aaron, your teammates overheard you talking about taking drugs. This is extremely serious.”

“But what if … I don’t offer you any explanation, and you wait until the end of the week when I reveal the truth in a dramatic fashion at the game against our biggest conference rival?”

“Enh, that’ll work.”

Marvin, 1/14/17

Ha ha! It’s funny because Jeff is happy to let Marvin stew in his own feces, as long as he doesn’t have to smell it!

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Hey guys, a couple reminders/updates for you re: the new site design:

That’s it for now! Enjoy, and email me with bug reports which we’ll hop on, and feature requests which we’ll consider!

Mary Worth, 1/12/17

It’s sad to me that Iris was so mortified by her inappropriate dress for that concert that Zak had to spend all his time consoling her and complimenting her outfit rather than really cutting loose and dancing to the stylings of “Maggio Nollaig” (a name that I haven’t mentioned here before but I swear to God I didn’t make up). Or maybe he means “dance” in a more specialized way. Like, maybe he means “flail about the severed arm of my enemy, which is definitely what you’re seeing at the bottom of panel two, since there’s no way that hand is connected to my body.”

Dennis the Menace, 1/12/17

It’s time to ask ourselves: who’s the real menace in the idyllic suburban neighborhood where the Mitchells and Wilsons live? Is it the innocent young boy who means well but who, like many his age, doesn’t have much of a filter or an understanding of social niceties? Or is George “Single Bead Of Rage-Sweat” Wilson, a bitter old man perpetually on the verge of an explosion, willing to take out his bottomless supply of rage on his wife, the neighbors, or even hapless robots who make the mistake of calling his home?

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Curtis, 1/10/17

Oh, look, it’s our favorite team of bullies, Derrick and “Onion”! Wait, what? When did “Onion” lose his quote marks? Did he finally get his name legally changed to Onion? Has that reaffirmed his sense of self-worth and caused a corresponding slip in his bullying game, resulting in the team’s extremely half-assed transition from “did you have a good weekend” to “your mom is fat and has a nickname like a noise a cow makes, even though you would never actually call a cow that?” These guys might as well turn to cyber-bullying because their IRL bullying is not worth the effort anymore!

Funky Winkerbean, 1/10/17

There’s no way around this: I’m about to combine two different kinds of terrible people you can be, namely “Oooh, I’ve lived in a glamorous city for a couple years and now I’m a big expert” and “Oooh, I’ve spotted a continuity error in a comic strip,” but: there haven’t been any Brown Derby Restaurants open in LA in years, guys. The last surviving example of the distinctive domed building has long been incorporated into a Koreatown strip mall; some other company long ago bought the rights to the brand name and operates several Brown Derbies in Northeastern Ohio (NATCH), but those locations are just in generic suburban structures, so that’s not where they are either. Because I choose not to view this as an outright error, though, I’m going to suggest that Cliff and his girlfriend have finally gone fully senile, and that this is their romantic delusion as they actually stumble into a grubby KFC somewhere in East Hollywood.

Mark Trail, 1/10/17

Damn it Mark, Woods & Wildlife Magazine is the only serious publication left dedicated to longform reporting on environmental issues, now that Rupert Murdoch owns National Geographic! I will not have you shifting its editorial focus to all those times you almost got blown up, just to grab fleeting web traffic!

Marvin, 1/10/17

I guess today’s Marvin punchline is a play on words about this? I hate to say this, but maybe the strip should stick to poop jokes.

Mary Worth, 1/10/17

Reminder: Even in a Mary Worth plot that’s about a hot sex affair between an older woman and a hip young person, the way that hip young person is going to talk about sex will be more awkward than you can possibly imagine.