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Dick Tracy, 6/23/15

So, the recently cancelled Little Orphan Annie comic strip was distributed by Tribune Media Services, which also distributes Dick Tracy, which allowed last year’s fake time-travel crossover story to happen. And now apparently Annie is just going to straight-up become a supporting Dick Tracy character, which is a positive thing you can bring up when one of your hippie friends starts complaining about out-of-control media consolidation. See, you thought this beloved Depression-era scamp was going to be gone from newspapers forever, and who brought her back? Obama? Nope, it was our friends at the various private equity firms that ended up owning the Tribune Company after its protracted bankruptcy proceedings were finally resolved! Let’s give a big hand to Angelo, Gordon & Co., Oaktree Capital Management, and other lesser stakeholders for giving this kind of creative corporate synergy a home for a while, until they abruptly shut down all unprofitable content-production operations entirely in 2017.

Anyway, let’s make the time we have left with the characters count with maximum insanity, shall we? Seems Annie and her friend, Dick Tracy’s half-moon-person granddaughter Honeymoon, are starting to go through puberty, and will have to deal with bullies in their own way, which I sincerely hope involves equal parts deadly moon powers and hired thugs paid for by Warbucks money.

Mary Worth, 6/23/15

“Ha ha, yep, we both know what really matters in life! It’s love or whatever. Say, Terry, you haven’t thought about running for Congress, have you? Running for Congress and letting me take a bullet for you? Come on I really really need this”

Six Chix, 6/23/15

Wait, is the joke that random people just show up at country weddings who don’t know the bride and groom, or that the country is haunted by bipedal, sapient cows? See, this is why I refuse to go anywhere that doesn’t have a high enough population density to support Thai food delivery.

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Mary Worth, 6/17/15

Hey, fellas, just so you know, when you suddenly and abruptly move into your ex’s apartment building and announce that the two of you are getting back together, and she flees in terror shouting “I can’t do this!”, it’s not that she doesn’t love you or that she’s afraid of you or anything. It’s just that she loves you so much that she couldn’t handle it if you ever broke up again. So keep wooing her! Persistence is key! Make sure she knows that the two of you will be together always, until one of you is dead!

Beetle Bailey, 6/17/15

“Why would we ever attempt to lab-grow fleshy, disease-prone bio-bodies for our sexual needs,” thinks Spc. Gizmo wearily to himself, “when we could be fucking clean, efficient robots?”

Marvin, 6/17/15

I find panel three here, in which Marvin stares directly into the reader’s eyes, extremely chilling. “Go ahead, comics blogger, make fun of the endless poop jokes,” he seems to be saying. “But poop jokes are what people want. Poop jokes, for lack of a better word, are good.”

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Slylock Fox, 6/1/15

Despite the violence that must’ve accompanied the animal takeover of the world in the Slylockverse, it’s actually amazing how much of human culture has been maintained. The animals live in human homes in human cities, drive human cars, even wear clothes, albeit modified a bit to accommodate their anatomy. No doubt they see themselves like the first Germanic groups seizing power from the faltering Romans in the fifth century — they came not to destroy civilization, but merely to enjoy the benefits of it that had previously been denied to them. Thus it’s no surprise that the animals’ new leadership would leave up the statues of the human warriors of old; after all, they see themselves as those men’s cultural, if not biological, successors. But that surly rabbit teen — he doesn’t know anything about the Before Times. He’s grown up in a world run by animals, and he looks around and sees all these statues of hairless apes and he doesn’t get it, man. Why should he have any respect for these dead symbols when the only humans he’s met are opportunists like Slick Smitty or freaks like Count Weirdly? Slylock might look into that angry face and wonder what exactly and his fellow revolutionaries unleashed; but the future, the baffling future in which the animals would have to blaze their own cultural path, would belong to Ronny Rabbit.

Mary Worth, 6/1/15

“Adam’s been great, Mary! So great that I’m going to take one of these roses, which you’re cutting wearing thick garden gloves so you don’t prick yourself on their many thorns, and I’m going to grip it with the palms of my hands as tightly as I can while I think about how great he is!”

Apartment 3-G, 6/1/15

“Yeah, it’s a threat! I’m gonna come back to this … random street corner … where I just kind of bumped into you by chance … and hope you’re here! So if you’re trying to avoid me, you’ll just have to pick one of the thousands of other street corners in this town! I’m very threatening!”