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Mary Worth, 4/29/14

Good news! After being somehow hypnotized by Mary into trying to take Wilbur back, Iris is accompanying Wilbur back to Jerry’s Sandwich Shop, and she promises that the date will not end in shouting and recriminations, this time. By the way, the “crime” Wilbur refers to is not the awkward end to their last Jerry’s encounter; it’s the vicious man-on-sandwich violence he perpetrates there, lunch and dinner, every day of the week.

Heathcliff, 4/29/14

In 1993, the Butthole Surfers came played a concert in my hometown of Buffalo, and the Buffalo News (hilariously, to me) refused to print their name, referring to them only as the “B------- Surfers” throughout their review. I realize this makes me sound like an old person, but it is interesting to see the evolution of what’s considered “kid-friendly” by the print media industry. Anyway, I find this panel’s depiction of a group of children cheering as Heathcliff spray-paints “POOP” on a wall completely believable, as little kids think the word “poop” is endlessly hilarious and are also probably too young to be properly terrified by a literate cat who walks on its back legs and can operate a spray can.

Dennis the Menace, 4/29/14

“No matter what your thoughts on the matter, our marriage is inevitable!” “I’m not sexually attracted to you!” Brrr, Dennis the Menace has reached Lockhorns level of emotional menace.

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Mary Worth, 4/25/14

Oh, Mary! How could we ever doubt the nobility — and the complexity — of your intentions? It seems Mary never had any intention of meddling Tommy into a job at all. I mean, she’s not against Iris’s son finding gainful employment — whatever gets him out of Charterstone is fine by her! No, Mary is after something much, much more difficult than helping an ex-con with dumb hair find a fulfilling career: she’s trying to find love for Wilbur Weston. She recognized when Iris had reached the state of emotional desperation necessary to be receptive to Wilbur’s advances, and has even left the possibility open that Wilbur himself might help solve a difficult problem and thus boost his self-esteem. Truly, Mary never tires of challenging herself with seemingly impossible meddle-quests.

Blondie, 4/25/14

Speaking of awkward and weird, Dagwood is reading a broadsheet paper that features the 1754 Join, Or Die cartoon on the front page, for some reason? And he expects it to be of interest to an actual, literal five-year-old? Also, Elmo is only five, and yet his parents are never seen and he seems to wander freely back and forth through the neighborhood between the Bumsteads’ house and wherever it is he lives? This seems like a lot of trouble to go through to trash-talk Dan Piraro.

Apartment 3-G, 4/25/14

OK, we can all agree that Tommie and her pet deer needed to get out of the apartment and see some changed scenery, but the look of sly satisfaction on Jack’s face indicates that she’s stumbled onto some kind of BDSM scene here that I’m not sure is really what the doctor ordered, you know?

Dennis the Menace, 4/25/14

Bringing Joey into his mother’s bedroom and narrating the action as she stands paralyzed in terror by the unstoppable march of time and its effects on her body? I deem Dennis’s behavior today: pretty menacing!

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Mary Worth, 4/17/14

WHAT A TWIST! It turns out that it’s not just Tommy who’s too darn lazy to get off his duff and get a job; his mom is a shiftless bum too! “I don’t want a lot of talk about putting in the effort of learning how to bake, Mary,” she thinks to herself. “Just hand over the goddamn muffins! mmm, just gonna visualize Tommy lounging around back at the apartment while I go to town on this. He sure isn’t learning how to bake! Stay strong, Iris!”

Better Half, 4/17/14

It’s true, Stanley, a cool way to lose weight would be if you were just a smooth spheroid with no openings or internal structure, just a blob of living matter with no mouth or way to digest nourishment, yep yep yep not horrifying at all no sir

Funky Winkerbean, 4/17/14

Wait, but … but … Les already solved this, in his book about John Darling? OH MY GOD NOT EVEN JESSICA READ LES’S BOOK