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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/8/11

Rex Morgan plotlines are actually pretty varied, but in many of them there comes a point when the wacky ancillary characters get in over their head and the Morgans have to bail them out. Inevitably, Rex uses this occasion to act like a put-upon dick. Panel three today, with Rex’s best “oh Lord, the humans and their problems, why can’t I just be left alone to read my newspaper in absolute silence” expression yet, should as far as I’m concerned be hanging up in every art museum in the world.

Mary Worth, 4/8/11

“That little girl with bone cancer who needs her pain meds in Room 287? Fuck her! I’m living in the moment.”

Momma, 4/8/11

The title character in Momma is a cruel, passive-aggressive narcissist, whose parenting style is so monstrous that there’s absolutely no question as to why the her children are so dysfunctional. But the strip has one saving grace, which is that it’s always clear that she’s very, very depressed.

Jumble, 4/8/11

Silly math teacher! You have to go to work every day to try and fail to inspire a group of sullen, hateful teenagers with your love of the beauty and wonder of mathematics. No amount of coffee will make your soul whole!

Panel from Apartment 3-G, 4/8/11

“So if you’re drunk, I’m thinking we could have a pretty good time.”

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Dick Tracy, 4/5/11

Fans of the last few years of Dick Tracy have one important question now that the strip is under new artistic management: will each storyline end with the villain being killed in a unnecessarily gruesome fashion? We’re still at the very beginning of this story, so we can’t say for sure, but surely it’s a good sign that “Pouch” here got his name by having some kind of “pouch” lurking in the his repulsively slack neck-flesh. It has a snap, this skin-pouch! So delightfully gross!

Apartment 3-G, 4/5/11

Margo starts this strip with such a great quip that it’s sad how quickly she devolves into the state in which we find her in panel two. A quizzical, confused facial expression, an ill-fitting yellow sweatshirt (does she think it shows off her bosom to her advantage? because it does not), and a lurching attempt to escape from a sudden foliage attack — not her best moment. Still, “that bushy-haired, bearded guy who’s always winning Grammys,” ha!

Mary Worth, 4/5/11

Have you ever wanted to see two medical professionals psych themselves up to a sordid quickie in a hospital linen closet by quoting No Fear marketing copy to one another? Then today’s Mary Worth is for you, my friend.

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Funky Winkerbean, 4/1/11

Ha ha, let’s all laugh at some privileged, sheltered high school student passing out after she had her nose rubbed in the grim reality of future life in Funkyworld. She was probably taken off guard because the promised horror was economic in nature rather than medical. I take issue with her teacher’s unqualified statement about these doomed post-Millennials or Gen Z-ers or whatever we’re calling them being “the first generation” to suffer an economic decline: I think Americans who came of age in, say, the 1930s might have something to say about that, or their grandparents who went through the now largely forgotten dramatic boom-bust cycles of economic panics that marked the second half of the 19th century. And then there are all the generations in earlier eras of history, who lived through actual civilizations collapsing completely! But, to be fair, if any more explanatory dialogue, like the phrase “since World War II,” had been added to that enormous word balloon in the second panel, there wouldn’t be any room for the drawings.

Momma, 4/1/11

Momma, don’t you read Funky Winkerbean? Francis is unemployed, unkempt, and sleeping in a pile of his own filth — this is the new mainstream of American life!

Mary Worth, 4/1/11

If you thought that the “Dawn is a desperate Internet junkie” plot was unrealistic, wait until we get into the “Dr. Drew is irresistible to women!” plot. The Dawn plot did end rather abruptly (by this strip’s standards — why, the static, boring rehash of how her problem was solved took less than a week!) and so I have to imagine that these two narrative strands will ultimately come together, hopefully in a manner that will once again result in Dawn smacking the crap out of the libidinous younger Corey.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/1/11

Our storyline’s villains, Flattop and the Mustache, are attempting to take an easily influenced Dex under their wing and reap his rightful share of the lottery winnings. Unfortunately for them, they don’t understand just how easily influenced he is. At the moment when he’s most in need of guidance, his eyes will settle on the waitress’s “Ask me about our pie” button and, like a baby duck imprinting on its mother, will decide that she has all the answers — about pie, and everything else. She’ll end up representing him in court, and her closing arguments will entirely consist of a description of the available desserts. The jury will award Dex the entire amount of the winnings, plus millions in damages, plus, just for good measure, free pie for life.